A Different Kind of Elf by Haunted Halliwell
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- A vampire joins the fellowship and meets an old love. Legolas/OC
We already have five reasons to hate this fic, but let's press on, shall we?
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- Preface
She was running through the forest to the place she called home. Tears streaming down her face, blood covered the collar of her blue dress. She tripped, her long blonde hair in her eyes. She heard the monsters coming closer. “Help me!” She cried in Elvish. The creature swooped down on her. That was the last breath of Eve.
The End. Well, that was quick.
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- She left home, her family, her friends, even her love to save them.
How noble. She must have realized what an insufferable 'Sue she is.
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- Her power grew and so did her hunger. She taught herself to control it. She paid many visits to her mother and her niece.
Wait what? One moment we're talking about some sort of power and the next we're talking about dropping in on the folks. Transitions are your friends! So are new paragraphs!
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- She was no longer the sweet loving girl she once was. Now she was a killer and she liked it.
This would be much more interesting if I were being shown this, not told it.
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- Her once blonde hair was blue/black, her perfect teeth were pointed.
And this relates to her personality, how?
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- She was trained in all weapons. Kung fu and gymnastics also.
WTF? This is Middle-earth you idiotic fanbrat! Where the hell will you find China or Europe in Middle-earth?
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- Her closet that once had silver and blue was now black. Her once long blue dresses had turned into a skirt with attached corset, black pants, a black shirt, and her dark blue cloak. Where she was once funny she was now sarcastic. Her blood was toxic, her speed was over normal, and fear turned into fun. This is Eve.
So, becoming a vampire means you start shopping at Hot Topic. Got it.
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- "Their near I can sense them" Eve said to Aragorn.
"Their rapping grammar and spelling at the same time."
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- "Good I do not know how much longer I could have sat here." Aragorn said.
"There they are" She said.
Apparently Hot Topic also carries magic eight balls too.
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- "Do not scare them Eve." Aragorn warned
"I was not going to" Eve replied as she watched one of the hobbits get up and go to the bar then sit back down. Then another one got up to go to the bar. They watched one of the hobbits ask the bar man their name. The bar man replied that they are Strider and Nightfall. "What can you hear?" Aragorn asked
"I can hear... I can hear... thousands of English teachers crying out in pain."
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- "Nothing" she said "wait his name is Baggins, Frodo Baggins he is the one that carries the ring." They watched as the hobbit Frodo stood up and made his way to the bar.
Wait! Hold on now! Stop! She can tell that without him saying anything? Is she psychic?
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- "How is he?" Aragorn asked. "He has already dealt with at least three of the nine." Eve answered
"The nine" Aragorn said in disbelief.
Which means that you cannot join the fellowship!
And from here on it is the movie script with random lines stolen by the 'Sue.
If you're wondering if she bursts into flames in the sunlight, she doesn't, but neither does she sparkle, so that's one thing working in her favor.
She sings Pippin's song:
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- As Eve watched everyone sleep she thought about when she was still an elf and started to sing softly to herself. "‘Home behind the world ahead. And there are many paths to tread. Through shadow. To edge of night. Until the stars are all alight. Mist and Shadow cloud and shade all shall fade. All shall fade." She sang.
"You have the voice of an angel." Sam said.
"Thank you Master Gamgee you are very kind." Eve said
"You sound like an elf."
"I do? Well that might be because I was one, long ago."
"What do you mean you were one?"
"Well I was cursed. But you must not think of it now, you need your rest." Eve said
"S'pose your right." Sam said as he rolled over and fell asleep.
Her explanation for chugging blood:
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- "Well I don't eat what you do." Eve said as she pulled a bottle of crimson liquid from her bag and took a sip.
"What is that?" Frodo asked
"A health potion" Eve said exasperated.
She's got badass gloves:
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- "Yes now can you cut this up?" Aragorn asked Eve.
"Of course." Eve replied. She looked it over than put some gloves on and sliced through the skin on the belly.
"How did you do that?" Frodo asked
"The fingers on these gloves have razors for nails. Easy to cut something with a razor." Eve explained.
Add eye color-changing and psychic to the list.
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- Eve gasped and her eyes turned red.
"What do you see?" Aragorn asked
"Sauramon in his tower speaking to Sauron." She said
"What does he say?" Aragorn asked
"The power of Isenguard is at your command Sauron lord of the earth. And Sauron is responding."
"What does he say."
"Build me an army worthy of Mordor."
And a Minibalrog is born.
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- "His treachery runs deeper than you know. The foul craft Saruman has crossed Orcs with goblin men he's breeding an army of the captains of Isenguard. An army that can move in sun light and cover great distances at speed. Saruman is coming for the ring." Gandalf said.
"I'm getting the distinct feeling that this is bad." Eve said.
No-Fucking-Duh.
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- "This evil cannot be concealed by the power of the of the elves. We do not have the strength to fight both Mordor and Isenguard." Elrond said "Gandalf the ring cannot stay here."
"Eve go and meet our guests." Gandalf said
More transition fail.
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- She walked out to see Boromir ride up. "Hello my lady." Boromir said. "Welcome to Rivendell Boromir son of Denethor." Eve said. Boromir rode off as another horse road up.
"Hello welcome to Rivendell, uh your name is." Eve said.
"Legolas of Mirkwood." Legolas said.
"And your name?"
"Eve Valkyrine,
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- wait did you say Legolas as in Legolas son of Thranduil?" Eve asked.
"Yes how do you know my father?" He said
"Have you forgotten already, Legolas." She asked
"Eve is that you?"
"Yes"
"Forgive me I did not recognize you, you changed your hair, and your name."
"Yes I was Cuilwen. And a blonde." She said
"But then I discovered this fabulous little shop called Hot Topic..."
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- (throat clearing)
"Yes master dwarf." Eve said annoyance dripping from her voice, for it was the third time the dwarf had cleared his throat.
"I wanted to know where my room is." It said
"First what is your name?" Eve asked
"Gimli son of Gloin." Gimli said.
"Your room is up the stairs down the hall turn left and your there." She said
"Thank you." Gimli said.
Welcome to Rivendale hotel, where good characterization goes to die.
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- In her room Eve was trying to decide to what to wear for the meeting the next day when there was a knock at the door.
"Come in." Eve said and Arwen came in.
"Arwen nice to see you" Eve said in elvish.
"And you." Arwen said also in elvish.
"What brings you here?"
"I sensed you needed some help."
"You are very good." "I know, now what do you need help with?"
"I can't decide what to wear for the meeting tomorrow."
What is this, the prom? Not to mention, I have no idea who is supposed to be speaking here. The paragraphing is off and there's no markers to show who says what.
So the girls do girly things like play with dresses like the little girls that they are; Arwen does her bridge scene with Aragorn, and we get this little snippit:
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- "You said you'd bind yourself to me." Aragorn said in English. "Forsaking the immortal life of your people."
"And to that I owe." Arwen said in English.
English. :wurmple:
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- Eve found Aragorn in the sword shrine room, he was talking to himself. "What should I do." Aragorn whispered.
"You should let her stay with you." Eve said.
"How did you know what I was talking about?" Aragorn asked
"Well for one thing I'm psychic, and for another I heard you talking." Eve answered.
"Oh, do you really think she should stay?" he asked.
"Yes she is happier with you." she said
"You should get some sleep before the meeting."
I'm really confused. What did she think that scene was about?
Yadda yadda... plagiarized movie... yadda yadda...
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- "I trust you with my... Afterlife. You have my...Pick a weapon." Eve said as she stood up and walked over to stand behind Frodo, next to Legolas.
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- "Ten companions so be it, you shall be the "Fellowship of the Ring"." Elrond said.
"Right, where are we going?" Pippen asked.
"Oh no where special just Mordor." Eve said laughing at the look on Pippins face.
Well, I feel like killing some small animals.
Garo 'lass.
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