The Human Centipede: Love At First Bite

So I saw another thread on here about 'The Human Centipede' a few days ago, but that one seemed to be an obvious trollfic, then I remembered another fic I had seen a while back. I tried to google it up but nothing shown, I thought maybe it had been lost forever. Until, of course, I was 'lucky' enough to catch it on the 'updated fics' section. YES!
Apparently, I couldn't find it because it had been removed by fanfiction.net, but now, our author has reuploaded it, so, without further ado, here is 'Love At First Bite' (which sounds more like a vampire story, but whatever.) I cannot stress enough that this is not work safe, but it is however, loltastic.
I only saw two chapters of this when it was originally posted, so I don't know how many chapters there are going to be, hopefully lots. It did have a shitload of flames at the time, however, so I'm not sure if fanfiction.net took her story down, like she says, or whether she took it down herself to get rid of the flames, since she seems to be pretty defensive about critisism of any kind. As a comparison, this reminds me a lot of 'My Inner Life' only with Doctor Heiter instead of Link and Ruby as the Mary Sue.

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When Doctor Heiter kidnaps young American tourist Ruby, will things go his way, or will he succumb to the feelings he has for her? This story was up a few months ago but it god removed! No flames like last time please! Heiter/OC

Bolded for emphasis, holy shit. Now on to chapter 1!
The first chapter starts with a massive authors note that is longer than the rest of the chapter, hmmm, this wasn't here last time. Here she complains about how everyones mean for flaming her stories, warns us that her story will contain 'graphically' depictions of sex, and moans about how Ruby is 'totally not a Mary Sue'.

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And for those of you who ask, because I know you will ask, why write such a story on 'The Human Centipede', well I personally believe that no human being is beyond redemption and that all it takes is true love. I also believe in the old saying: love knows no boundaries. And if Ruby can make a mad scientist feel kindness then there is NOTHING that can stand in the way of the POWER OF LOVE.

All he needs is love! I can change him!!!!

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A few days ago, I was just another American tourist in Germany. I had enjoyed the Oktoberfest, laughing at the funny Bavarians in Lederhosen, driving down the Autobahn. I still remember the joy as I looked from the top of a snowy mountain, onto the towns and cities below.
Now I was begging for my life in terror.
My name is Ruby, and this is my story.

Basically, Ruby's crying in a room, with doctor Heiter screaming at her that "You will be used in mein centipede whether you like it or not!"
Then Heiter tells her to come out of the room, AND SHE DOES JUST FUCKING THAT.

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"Gut, mein Frau," he said, "Perhaps you are not so stupid as I thought originally."
Suddenly, I saw someone come up behind Doctor Heiter, like a shadow.
"Look out!" I shrieked, and as the policeman reached for his gun.

Look out you psychopathic surgeon! There's a policeman behind you!

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I was worried, I had acted out of instinct and now the policeman was on the floor. He would have been my only chance...
"Well, that was easy...," Heiter laughed, before looking back to me, "Danke Frau. You know what, forget the centipede for a few moments, I have another 'experiment' I want to try on you..."

Spoiler: HE MEANS SEX LOL
THEY'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE SEX.
YES, HE CHANGES HIS MIND ABOUT MAKING A CENTIPEDE AND TAKES HER BACK TO HIS ROOM FOR SEX.

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"Oh no," I said defiantly, "And what would that be?"

SEX

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"Hahahahahaha, do not be scared mein Frau, this is an experiment you are sure to enjoy..."

UNLESS YOU DON'T ENJOY SEX

Oh, end of chapter 1 already? The long ranting authors notes made it look so much longer... ah well, I guess I can fit in the next chapter then, on to chapter 2!

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This chapter is one of the most graphically detailed things I have ever written, it is a LEMON, and if you DO NOT LIKE these sorts of things, then LOOK AWAY. AVERT YOUR EYES.

Oh goody, a sex scene! You can always tell if someone has actually had sex by the way they write a sex scene. Let's see if we can spot the virgin in this chapter!

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He lead me to a door, he got out a set of keys and unlocked it. It was a bedroom. He lead me inside.
"You are still a virgin, are you not, Mrs. Ruby?" he asked.

"Because either way you won't be one by the end of this story."

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"Well, yes, I am," I replied sheepishly. I thought it was an odd question to ask, but Heiter musn't have spent a lot of time around people, as he didn't seem to know the social norm.

Tee hee look she's shy about sex, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Mary Sue is so sympathetic and lovely <3

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"Then we will begin by the lactation of the phallus! That's sucking my dick, in laymans terms," he smiled.

Holy fuck no

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His smooth lust-snake stood before me, fully erect, like a cobra waiting to strike.
"It's beautiful," I said, admiring it's beauty. I had never seen such a thing up close, as, where I come from, down in California, all talk of sex is banned. We are quite a southern conservative state, you see.

Does California count as the south? Anyway, what does that matter, he's got a SMOOTH LUST-SNAKE.

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I dropped down on my knees in awe of it's stunning radiance.
"Go on, Ruby," Heiter commanded, "Blow my burrito! Los! Geht's los!"

Anyway, she sucks his dick, as commanded, and then we have this horrible metaphor:

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After a while he finally spilt his seed, washing over me like so many bombs that were used on London in the Blitz.

BANG

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I swallowed his thick milky seed, which tasted of strawberry gumdrops.
"It's delicious!" I said, drinking every last drop.

Also, this is justified as he is a 'man of sciece' so of COURSE he would flavour his sperm!

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"As a man of science, I have flavoured my gametes with a wonderful flavour!"
"What's a gamete?"
"It's sperm, you silly girl, here, do you want some more?"
"Why, yes please!"

Also, he has the ability to change the flavour of his sperm at will!

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His cum spurted out again, but this time, it tasted of caramel.
"Do you like that flavour more than the last?" Heiter inquired.
"Why yes, it is delicious too!"
And with that, Heiter smiled weakly, before collapsing back on the bed.
"Ha, I've never done that in so long..." Heiter laughed.

I can't imagine why, Mr. Heiter. I mean, why would anyone not want to have sex with you? You're not crazy at all!
Anyway, they're both exhausted after a blowjob for some reason, and fall asleep immeadiatly after. I guess you won't be losing your virginity after all, Ruby. Another day, perhaps.

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I got up onto the bed with him too. I leaned back, the viscous vessel of his seed lay scattered across the floor.
"Hopefully next time we will get to some real sex..." Heiter said.

Hopefully not.

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"P... Please don't use me in the centipede..." I said, as he held me in his arms.
"I... I don't need to make a centipede anymore, mein Frau," he whispered softly, "I... I was trying to fill a hole by making the centipede, I was. But I could never fill that hole, now I know why..."
He paused for a moment.
"Why?" I asked.

Because Mary Sue gets anyone she wants!

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"Because... what I really needed... was love... what I need is... you," we sat on the bed together for a while, not saying anything, holding each other until we fell asleep on the bed.

lol you're fucking kidding me. That happened even quicker than the story about Pyramid Head. You've got to be shitting me. That's the end of chapter two and all that's been written so far, maybe it will be updated in future (I hope so, these awful sex metaphors are hilarious ) And it probably will, considering the author only put this back up yesterday.
Anyway, I'm going to leave you with a picture of the authors avatar on fanfiction.net. Before you click the spoiler tab, guess who it's going to be a picture of. Go on, guess.

Spoiler:

"Story not found"... That was quick! Dammit, I wanted to read it!

Dixie wrote:

"Story not found"... That was quick! Dammit, I wanted to read it!

That's strange, it's still up for me.

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"I... I don't need to make a centipede anymore, mein Frau," he whispered softly, "I... I was trying to fill a hole by making the centipede, I was. But I could never fill that hole, now I know why..."

Obviously it's because Mary Sue's cakehole wasn't available at the time.

Also, shouldn't that be 'meine'? I'm a little fuzzy on the case system but I'm pretty sure that anything without an ending (or whatever you call the letters on the end that mark the case and gender) is only ever used for masculine and neuter.

Oh man, I lost it at 'lust-snake'. That has to be added to the Fanfic Tropes thread, if it hasn't been already.

That avatar is also all sorts of special. I think it's the sunglasses.

I'mma call troll on this one, though I enjoyed your snark. There are just elements in this that make me think the author isn't taking it srsly either.

Also the profile pic, which is just adorable.

ETA: Yeah, in chapter 3 they have bratwurst for breakfast and she asks him to spunk on it. It is then described as 'sultry sperm', and it is chocolate flavoured. Then Ruby calls the human centipede 'kawai'. Then they bone and she says:

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he plundered my village like a true viking

So magnificent as it is, I'm definitely calling troll.

Yeah, definitely a troll, but I haven't laughed this much at badfic, purposely terrible or not, in a while.

"Lactation of the phallus!"

There's a new chapter! The human centipede gets seperated off screen, as it were, and I anticipate some kind of orgy at some point. Also Heiter has a bouncy castle, which is wonderful. My favourite line is the last one:

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This was going to be an experience unlike any other I had experienced...

To quote Vanilla: SHE MEANS SEX LOL

I'm guessing that this author and the Peter Chimera wannabe have not actually seen the movie, just read stuff online about it. At least this author gets some of the details right. Unfortunately, they're all the wrong details.

One of you write this up?

Not me, man...I ain't touchin' this with a 10-foot pole.

'Twas not I, I can't imagine ever being bothered enough.