The Human Centipede 2

Ladies and Gentlemen, a sequel that needs no introduction, that needs no "NSFW" tag. The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence.

I had a lot of bile prepared for this movie. Not because I despised the first movie or anything, I actually didn't have very strong opinions on "First Sequence". I didn't think it was good, but I thought it was more stupid and childish than squicky, horrifying, uncomfortable, etc. The movie felt like Tom Six was sitting around with his buddies one day and said, "y'know what would suck? Having your mouth sewn onto another guys ass." Which is actually exactly how Tom Six came up with his inspiration for the movie. The Human Centipede played more like a concept than a fully realized movie, Tom Six didn't seem to know what to do after the people were actually eating each others shit. So the last half of the movie just kinda became this surreal, weirdo sitcom. And if you don't know why I think it played like a sitcom, just try watching that centipede training montage with a laugh track and The Golden Girls theme song playing over top and then you'll understand what I'm talking about. Dr. Heiter was a lot of fun, if only due to some of his goofy, exuberant line-readings ("YOU willbe THE MID-uhl PIEEEECE!"). I know at least one person on this site liked the first one (I think it was WD40). Maybe I just didn't get it, but I thought the first movie really wasn't deserving of any of the hype it got (both negative and positive).

But then I saw the teaser for the second movie...



Good god, I hated everything. That smug smirk. That smug voice-over. His pimping of that "100% medically accurate" bullshit. Claiming this movie was going to be the "sickest movie of all time". That "100% medically INaccurate" tagline that means fuck-all. I didn't know much about Tom Six, but this teaser cemented my opinion that he's an arrogant hack, butthurt that his movie was shown up by A Serbian Film within a month, so the Human Centipede: Full Sequence was going to be little more than a poo-flinging tantrum thrown by a man-child who's completely and utterly proud of the fact that his greatest life accomplishment has been creating Two Girls, One Cup: The Movie. I knew morbid curiosity would drive me to watch it at some point, and I knew I would end up spending the night all alone in my apartment, with all the lights turned off, my face buried in my pillow, an empty bottle of pills in my hand, a KFC Famous Bowl, and Pink Floyd's "The Great Gig in the Sky" playing, while I asked myself what I'm doing with my life and why I make myself watch movies like this.

So I watched it yesterday. Was it as bad as I expected? Well, my bank records show I haven't spent any money at KFC in at least two years, so I guess that's a "no". Is it bad? Yes, it definitely deserves to be snarked here. Is it worse than the first one? Well, yes and no. More on that after the movie...

I watch Phelous' review on it on TGWTG.

Needing brain bleach doesn't even BEGIN to describe how bad it is.

'Twas me who liked First Sequence.

Well, I say 'liked'. This film is weird like that.

I will sing the praises of any film that can drag an actual physical or emotional response from me. (Well, that is, drag the emotion it is trying to drag out!) And Human Centipede does.

The 'feeding' sequence, which you rightly identify is the bit the film is desperate to get to, and really doesn't know what to do with once it's over, is still such an uncomfortable sequence to watch that I can't not give it credit.

What I thought at the time, when I first saw it, was that the director knew what he was doing, and staged it in a way to exploit his audience's reactions perfectly. What I've since come to believe, having seen interviews with Tom Six and having seen clips of HC2 (Which I genuinely want to see, if only out of morbid curiosity, but can't now because it is banned in the UK) it is pretty clear that the first film's power came from accident rather than intent. Your description of Mr. Six is pretty much bang on the money. He is Uwe Boll/Tommy Wiseau level godawful.

Snark away, Doobs. All I've got to go on is the odd trailer and a few very vague synopses. I genuinely want to find out what else this film brings to the table.

Yes it took me awhile to get back to this. Between finals and trying to have a life, reviewing Eraserhead: Now With Poop Eating became a bit less appealing. But now I got some time to cool my heels, so now let me stick them into the pile of warm shit that is The Human Centipede Two: Full Sequence.

I can only hope they make The Human Sexipede Two, and bring back Evan Stone to be in the second one. Because Evan Stone is a god.

More random thoughts on this movie, apparently a threequel is in the works. I can only hope it is called The Human Centipede III: Fullerer Sequence and, as one critic suggested, features Tom Six sewing his head up his own ass.

So anyway, on with the show....

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Well isn't that just polite of Tom Six. He's included this handy little disclaimer letting us know that a movie about a mentally impaired man stapling people ass to mouth might just be a teensy bit screwed up. Thank you Mr. Six. Though I must say, the idea of a movie where poop is a major theme being termed "for mature audiences" is pretty amusing.

This disclaimer bothers me. What's the point of it? Does Tom Six actually think people might go to "The Human Centipede II" believing it might just be a charming, family, musical adventure?

Now that I think about it, about five or so years from now, after the hype has cooled down, I think The Human Centipede: The Musical would be a brilliant addition to Broadway. Best. Chorus line. Ever.

Spoiler:

Yeah, I hope you liked the first movie a lot, because this movie is pretty much all about the first movie. Reusing footage is pretty popular, because the main character is the biggest Tom Six fanboy ever. See, this movie is a "meta" film. The entire movie is a "commentary" on the first film, I think. Really, I don't know what it's commenting on. That the moral outrage at the first film was silly? That seems a bit of a weak premise for a meta film. But then, the first movie in this series was based on a joke between him and his buddies. It seems Tom specializes in weak premises.

Tune in for Tom Six's next series, The Cereal Killer, where a man dressed like the Captain Crunch kidnaps people and sews them together ass to mouth and jerks off while watching them pass sweetened corn goodness into each other like a grotesque meat-train of crunchitized fun. Tom Six was inspired to create this movie when, one morning, he was eating Captain Crunch, and the hard little squares cut the roof of his mouth a bit and it was kinda annoying for the rest of the day.

Spoiler:

Barely a minute in, and this movie is already banking on the hope that you enjoyed the fact that the majority of the dialogue in the first movie was Dr. Heiter and whimpering. Particularly the whimpering part.

Seriously, I had forgotten how annoying that all was until this movie made me rewatch the end of HCI where OMGSPOILER!!!!!!!!!

Spoiler:

.

Now my head hurts. And I'm not even a minute in.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, meet our villain/hero, Martin. And yes, this is another horror movie that centers entirely around the villain, and everyone else is just a meatsack waiting to get tortured and/or killed by him. It's Martin's world, we're all just lucky that he lets us go without asses sewed to our mouths in it. (more on this later)

By the way, you're not going colorblind. This movie is shot in black and white. Not sure why, it doesn't really add anything. It's not like it makes the poop-eating classy or anything.

Martin works as a security guard at a parking lot. Did I mention he's also The Human Centipede's biggest fanboy? He has a scrap book and everything.

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Meet Ian, our first victim. You can tell he's going to be our first victim because he's with his girlfriend and he's completely dislikeable. How is he completely dislikeable? Just take a look at the first lines he speaks...

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fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck FUCK! 'Ee did not know I took the car! He'll be absolutely FUCKIN' furious! fffffffk. FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCKK!

Martin takes his trusty crowbar and stares awkwardly at the guy and his girlfriend. Because Ian is not the villain in a shitty horror movie, he was born with a birth defect that causes him to be a raging asshole towards complete strangers. So, Ian verbally abuses Martin for a little bit, when...

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Martin shoots him in the foot, then knocks both him and his girlfriend out with a crowbar and stores them in a van. Whatsoever will he do with them? Surely it can't be anything having to do with their mouths stitched to another persons anus!

Moar review later....

Wooooooooo that was quite a work out. Especially when you consider that Martin is an asthmatic. Propping a crowbar up on your shoulder then letting gravity konk someone over the head with it is very physically straining. It also causes blood to come gushing out of your temple in a fountain, yet doesn't kill you or cause brain damage. Apparently.

Well, after all that hard work, I think it's time for Martin to relax and watch a movie. It's also time for Tom Six to remind us that there is a Human Centipede: First Sequence!

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... Ummmmmm. Tom Six does know you don't rewind DVDs, right?

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MY MOVIE WAS AT SCREAM FEST MY MOVIE WAS AT SCREAM FEST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, this is Martin's fangirl scrapbook filled with clips, articles, all the media and hype surrounding the first Human Centipede. Believe it or not, this isn't just a prop. Tom Six keeps this scrapbook under his pillow, so he can look at it every night before going to bed with Mrs. Six. He can't get an erection otherwise.

Random factoid, did you guys know that the guy who played Dr. Heiter in the first movie is named Dieter Laser? That's the best fucking name ever! This guy needs to give up acting and get himself a job as a comic book villain or something...

Martin needs a place to craft his centipede, so he decides to go rent what I think is supposed to be a storage space. Just when I began to wonder where a security guard who lives with his mother was going to get the money to rent what seems a pretty sizeable place, the landlord's stomach gets ruptured by a sudden jump cut.

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I know Martin. It breaks my heart whenever a soon-to-be segment of my human centipede gets his guts sucked into a dark void of editing too.

So the landlord is dead, and because, like all of Martin's victims, he is an irredeemable asshole that speaks a strange derivation of English where "fuck" is used as punctuation, he has no friends or family or anyone who loved him enough to check after him or wonder why he never came home from showing that strange little fat man his dream dungeon. How fortunate. Now Martin can take the keys and have his dungeon for free, without ever having to worry about the police checking into all these disappearances or anything.

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Damn, these victims must have some pretty thick skulls. How does he keep hitting them over the head hard enough to make a very audible splodey noise without killing them?

Moar revuu later...

Oh holidays, how you delay the rate at which I bitch about shitty body horrors.

So, after watching Martin kidnap, bind, gag, and bludgeon a handful of innocent (though rude) people, I think now would be a good time to remind us why Martin is actually very sympathetic. I mean, we can't have people actually thinking our villain is a bad person, now can we?

Martin is lying in bed, his mind haunted by visions of the past. We can tell because in the background we can hear a baby crying, while we hear a rape-y, fatherly voice say...

Daddy McRapeyvoice wrote:

Stop dem tears. Yeh jus' makin' daddies willie 'arder.

.... snrk.

Aww, that's not fair of me. I shouldn't snicker. It actually took me three repeats of this scene to understand what was going on in Martin's head, what was torturing him so. My main complaint here is that I think Tom Six was far too subtle, it ruins the movie to have to pause scenes, and replay them over and over again to try to pick apart the meaning. Tom Six could've done this better. Maybe if he would've given the guy in the flashback a southern accent and had him saying...

Daddy McRapeyvoice wrote:

BEND OVER MARTIN IMMA RAPE YA! DID I MENTION I'M YOUR DAD AND YOU'RE A CHILD AND YOU'RE GOING TO TOTALLY GROW UP TO BE ALL DAMAGED AND HUMAN CENTIPEDE OBSESSED AND STUFF?

See, only marginally less subtle than the actual line, but it gets across the point so much clearer, don't you think?

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Martin is lying in bed, his mind haunted by visions of the past. We can tell because in the background we can hear a baby crying, while we hear a rape-y, fatherly voice say...

Daddy McRapeyvoice wrote:

Stop dem tears. Yeh jus' makin' daddies willie 'arder.

are you fucking serious oh my god

what the hell tom six

what the hell

no wonder every blacksmith for miles around is missing their anvil

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Ladies and gentlemen. Martin's mom. He lives with her. She is a bitter, emasculating, psychologically abusive old harpy. Did you really expect any likeable characters in this movie?

Let's take a look at her first line, how much do you want to bet she curses in it?

MotherMartin wrote:

*sniff**sniff*. My god. 'Ave you shit yehself again? You swine!

Martin craps himself, he's just such a sympathetic creature isn't he?

So Martin is an overweight, balding, greasy man child that regularly shits himself. Congratulations Tom Six, the villain of your horror movie is Chris-Chan. I hope you're proud. Though, knowing you, you're going to be proud of your movie-shaped pieces of fecal matter whether or not I hope you are. Carry on, as you were.

Spoiler:

Has Tom Six ever mentioned that the first movie was 100% medically accurate? Because it totally was. He talked to a doctor and everything. Go meet Tom Six, I hear he has "100% MEDICALLY ACCURATE" tattooed to his forehead, his dominant hand, and across the top of his penis.

I hope you really like all those pictures of Chris-Chan in his underwear, because Martin spends the majority of the film dressed just like this. Because the only set of clothing he owns is his security guard uniform, I guess. Well, he also has a doctor's coat (I don't know why), but that doesn't appear until later.

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Meet Martin's therapist, the Exposition Fairy! He looks like Karl Marx and his sessions only last two minutes. Outside of work his hobbies include having butt sex with hookers and fantasizing about molesting the mentally handicapped.

It is in this scene that we meet Martin's pet centipede (GET IT?) and Martin utters what I think is supposed to be his catchphrase or something. I use the term "catchphrase" loosely, because Martin only speaks in grunts, it's just that this particular grunt is the only one he ever really repeats. It goes a little something like...

Martin wrote:

EEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeee

So yeah, it's pretty pointless. A character trait that really adds nothing to the character.

So what do we stand to learn from the Exposition Fairy?

Well we learn that centipedes are a phallic symbol (oh god, what does that say about the guy who made this movie?), that the mentally handicapped who suffer sexual abuse often mutilate their own genitals (FORESHADOWING!!!!!!), and that British psychologists haven't advanced intellectually since the days of Sigmund Freud. Yay for psychological dialogue written by someone who has clearly never been to a psychologist!

So Martin is mentally handicapped, yet he's still allowed to be a security guard and own a gun? Man, the UK sounds backwards!

Not only that, but Martin's mom blames him for his father being in prison. Slutty little baby Martin was asking for it, with that tight diaper and that smouldering, come-hither look he was always giving his old man. Tricky little vixen.

The Exposition Fairy has an annoying habit of putting on his glasses, only to take them off two seconds later. He must have that overwhelming compulsion where he has to remove his glasses every other sentence that affects so many actors these days. So sad.

Over dinner, Martin's mom mentions that she's decided to kill them both. There is no comment and it isn't even acknowledged that she said anything. Did she mention that the tests came back positive? She most definitely has breast cancer. Martin's mom is fed up with all this loud, nonexistent music going on upstairs, so she bangs on the roof with a broom. How much are you willing to bet that the man living up stairs is a nice, quiet young person that will sincerely apologize, give them a nice fruit cake, and turn his music down?

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Of course not, it's the UK! So of course their upstairs neighbor is a shirtless, over-inked, skinhead with steel toed boots and a violent temper. Martin's ribcage becomes very well-acquainted with said steel toed boots.

Seriously, in the UK, do you guys feel like you need to stand less than an inch away from someone's face when meeting them for the first time? Are you afraid the person you're talking to might forget you're there? Is getting your spittle all over their face as you scream curses at them considered a sign of respect?

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Seriously, in the UK, do you guys feel like you need to stand less than an inch away from someone's face when meeting them for the first time? Are you afraid the person you're talking to might forget you're there? Is getting your spittle all over their face as you scream curses at them considered a sign of respect?

Seriously? No. But if you were to watch UK soaps, you'd get that vibe. I don't watch soaps and haven't since Den gave Angie the divorce papers, (Eastenders, Christmas Day 1986). I only watched that day because too much Xmas pud left me disinclined to shift my ass off the sofa. But from what you see in promo's and such, EastEnders, Coronation Street and Emmerdale are all about violence, vengeance and people screaming abuse at each other from an inch away.

In real life most people here are polite and helpful. There are a lot of Chavs, who's default reaction seems to be aggressive and foul-mouthed, but the vast maojority of people would rather get along and play nice, rather than screech swear words at each other in the street. But that majority don't get shows on TV like The Only Way is Essex, or Geordie Shore.

Sadly, if you watched soaps and trash reality TV, your understanding of the UK wouldn't be a hundred miles from this 'film'. At the minute, vulgar, ill-mannered, thicko yobbishness is in.

And even the chavs don't stand that close when they yell at each other. There's no room for the body language that way.

If anyone can imagine Mr Six's attitude when he was making this movie, I have a feeling it was this "Yes Mr Stielburg? No, this movie is going to be focusing on ass to mouth sex and forcing 3 or more people to give each other rimjobs in order to survive" " ... What? I don't even..."

Summercorn wrote:

Seriously?

Yup. The UK is such a far off, strange, and foreign country the only way I can understand your odd culture is by watching crappy, Swedish horror movies.

Though I did learn from the Spearhead that you guys are all crushed underneath the feminazi vaginocracy that will soon conquer my own country.

Martin kidnaps a pregnant woman. No, no screen caps this time, it's gotten fairly monotonous by this point. If you saw any of the other kidnap scenes, you know how this goes. Martin shoots at the person, they fall, Martin knocks them out with the softest crowbar ever.

Doesn't Martin have a manager or something? Is he the only security guard that works at this parking garage? It seems awfully convenient that everyone using this full parking garage comes in an orderly, one by one fashion so that Martin has plenty of privacy to shoot and kidnap his victims. It's also awfully convenient that this parking garage appears to be located so far from civilization that no one outside said parking garage will hear the gun shots. Why isn't anyone noticing that people keep disappearing on Martin's shift? I guess all of his victims are such unlikeable assholes that not even the cops care that they disappeared. There have been rail-riding vagrants with more loved ones than any of Martin's victims!

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Meet Martin's next victims. They're drunk bitches in a horror movie, thus, they deserve to have horrible things happen to them. If every male character in this movie is that star football player meany dickhead that always shoved Tom Six into lockers and called him "faggot", than goddamn it every female character is going to be that cumdumpster rich cheerleader whore bitch slut that said "no" when Tom Six asked her out.

Martin starts jacking off with sandpaper. Not because Tom Six is a tantrum-throwing man child who's trying way too hard, but because "mentally handicapped people who were sexually abused often mutilate their own genitals". Or some shit.

But, much to Martin's dismay, one of the cheerleaders that Tom Six had an embarrassing crush on in high school sees him beatin' the meat. Because god knows he doesn't have any coworkers or managers or anything to walk in on that. It's ok, though, because Martin shoots and kidnaps them to make them a part of his grotesque experiment. Karmic justice has been served, all is right with the world.

Spoiler:

God, where did Tom Six find a pregnant woman desperate enough for money to be in this schlock? I mean, I'm pro-choice, I don't think a fetus counts as a "human life", but yet the idea of forcing your eventually child to star in some pathetic horror movie leaves this kinda coppery taste in my mouth.

I can't imagine this kid is going to be sitting in some future club, trying to get sex by telling people "I was the fetus in the pregnant woman's stomach in the Human Centipede II".

After reading this thread, I've come to one inescapable conclusion: Tom Six shouldn't be allowed to watch movies, let alone direct them. He is evil incarnate.

Bumping this because I'm bored and also the film isn't as banned in the UK as I thought it was... I now own it, legally.

Dunno if it's a cut version or if the banned status was never applied in the first place (I never checked it, and should have. I really can't be bothered now because the point's a bit moot)

So I've seen it, and... well... yeah, it's horrible... BUT like with the first film... I can't not give the film credit for the things it does right.

This film doesn't have the same "punch" as the first... It can't, everyone knows what the punch is at this point, but it does still exhibit the same filmaking skill that the first one does.

Yes, I said it: Skill.

Both films have terrible concepts and feature horrid things, but that doesn't mean they're not shot well, acted well, edited well and directed well. The "feeding" scene from the first film has power... It's a gross-out power, but it's power. This film can't deliver that, and that's the film's strength (in fact, when it gets to the 'feeding' scene it self-parodies - having Walter desperate to see it and breaking the film's convention by having coloured brown splashes on the camera lens) what this film does instead is build on atmosphere and character.

Yes, I said that too: Character.

Both films have given us superb and memorable performances in Walter and Dr. Heiter. Even the self parody given by Jenny/Ashlynn Yennie is well done.


I'm gonna have to withdraw my statement that Tom Six is comparable to Uwe Boll & Tommy Weiseau - The man can direct. He can direct very, very well. Either that or he does nothing and has somehow assembled an absolutely superb crew - I really can't fault the film on just about any part of it's execution and presentation.

This actually makes me angrier at Tom Six - He's clearly got a lot of skill... But he's obsessed with, and stuck up his own, ass.

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Yes, I said that too: Character.

See, I didn't like any of the characters. I found the entire movie an exercise in trite hatefulness. There isn't a single character with any amount of dimension, just varying depths of awfulness.

And I would disagree that either film has power, but I think at this point it's more about difference of opinion between us than anything. But I never found the whole poo-eating concept that powerful, in fact I find it very weak and very lazy.

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But he's obsessed with, and stuck up his own, ass.

This I can agree with.