"a sad story" - classic alleged Potterfic

"a sad story" (capitalisation correct) by the amusingly-named "not-prgnant-thnk-GOD" (apparently contraception has the side-effect of vowel decay) is a Harry Potter fic in name only. Voldemort and the wizarding world's war are barely mentioned and never featured, and Vernon has gone from merely unpleasant to a psychotic fuckmorton. Can Harry escape to happiness with Mary Sue? Well, if he could it wouldn't be called "a sad story" now would it?

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This is um...just a story i wrote out of boredom (and if any who have read my odda stories

Odder than this? I roll to disbelieve.

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Harry was once again lying in a pool of blood, his own blood.

Blood?! Blood. Crimson copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. And bits of sick.

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Who would have thought that Harry would die this way?

Certainly not Voldemort, or he wouldn't have been going to so much trouble to kill him over the course of the books.

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"I did not say that you could speak! Do you understand?"Harry didn't reply, his Uncle kicked him again."Answer Me!" Vernon yelled, spraying Harry with spit."Yes sir"

Make your mind up!

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He said as he grabbed Harry by the neck and dragged him to the garden
Shed. He padlocked the door with at least 20 locks.

Where some people have a garden shed, the Dursleys have a garden vault.

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'How did this
happen?' Harry thought to himself.

Harry speaks for all of us.

Flashback time! Evil!Vernon, in his quest to crank up the angst to "so tragic it's actually funny" levels, kills "Hegwid". Thusly:

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Harry carried Hedwig cage over and handed it to his Uncle. His Uncle
then pulled out a shotgun, with a silencer on it, and shot Hedwig in
less than a second. White feathers scattered the floor.

Vernon Dursley, the fastest gun in Surrey. And since when could you silence a shotgun?

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Harry had never gotten beaten before, except for Dudley, but he had always managed to escape.

Then he hadn't been beaten by Dudley either, if he always managed to escape.

Subsequently he goes for a walk: in between starving him, beating him up and murdering his owl, Vernon hadn't thought to lock him in his room. Why didn't he just go to the police? Oh, I forgot, badfic. Mary Sue puts in her first appearance:

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When he laid his eyes on a black figure lying in a pool of something, trying to get up.

It was blood. Blood. (etc.)

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"Why would the famous Harry Potter want to help a commoner, I'm sure you have bigger problems" she said."Why do you think I wouldn't help you" Harry said, he really didn't need any more reminding of Voldemort.

Mary Sue, who we later learn is called Maria, in a cunning twist buys the negative publicity about Harry. But only for five minutes, because who wants a story where there's meaningful conflict?

Savour this mention of Voldemort, because it's the only role he has in this fic.

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They had begun to fall in love.

We don't see any of this, no, actual plot progression is for lesser writers than the mighty not-prgnant-thnk-GOD.

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:::::::: Maria's POV::::::::

Or not:

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"I can't wait to see Harry" Ron said, he was in the car driving to Harry's house.

Make your mind up!

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Vernon got the last word "It's too late, my dear"

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She came out with the lifeless body of Harry. Blood covered her, her and his blood.

And bits of sick.

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"No! Not yet!" she pleaded "Harry I'm pregnant, you're going to be a father, that's why you can't leave me"

ZOMG ANGST

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The chaos erupted and the world crashed around the two.

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

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"Harry I'm pregnant, you're going to be a father, that's why you can't leave me"

Because establishing how Maria got pregnant and not throwing it in at the end would make too much sense. The whole 'x lying in pool of blood' coming up over and over again seems like the author crying for help, but darned if I know what kind.

[gun wank]
On reflection, you could put a silencer/suppressor on a shotgun, but the phrase "grossly impractical" comes to mind. With the internal baffle type you'd have to have it larger than the choke diameter (and be ineffective) or exactly choke sized and shred itself over long term use. It would also have to attach to the choke or in place of it (both stupid). The gas attempting to escape between the balls as the gas deflected sideways into the baffles would probably make your pattern wildly unpredictable too, not to mention not be quieted that much. The rubber diaphragm/single use silencers might work better: once. Oddly enough, a few shotgun suppressors do exist, but they're extremely long (pressure drop control, maybe), requiring our friend Vernon to have arms about 6 feet long to shoot the bird while holding its cage. Apparently one showed up in No Country for Old Men, which isn't something to combined with Harry Potter.

tl;dr Silencers on a shotgun are even more stupider than they would sound on the basis of "do they even make those?"/"would that work?"

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Harry was once again lying in a pool of blood, his own blood.

There was blood, blood
A veritable flood
What a bore, what a bore
What a bore, what a bore
There was gore, gore
Spilling on the floor
To make the readers snore.

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He padlocked the door with at least 20 locks.

There were locks, locks
As big as cinder blocks
On the door, on the door
On the door, on the door
There were bolts, bolts
In fics written by dolts
On Harry Potter's door.

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Harry didn't reply, his Uncle kicked him again. "Answer Me!" Vernon yelled, spraying Harry with spit.

About a man I'll write my fic,
Sing rickety-tickety-tit,
About a man I'll write my fic,
Who beat up his nephew for kicks.
One day to prove that he was a real prick,
He sprayed Harry Potter with spit.
With spit, with spit,
He sprayed Harry Potter with spit.

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The 5 of them; Fred, George, Charlie, Ron and Mr Weasley took out their wands and made the way a bit clearer, they saw two grown men, beating and kicking a figure on the floor.

And so it was that one day Harry Potter met his end,
He was murdered by a Muggle right in front of his best friends,
He had bruises by the thousand and fractures by the score,
And he won't cast spells no more!

The impact filled his eyesight with a thousand points of light,
He tried looking for his wand but it was nowhere in sight,
It had fallen down a plothole at the end of chapter four,
And he won't cast spells no more!

Mary, Mary, Mary Sue will mourn for him,
Mary, Mary, Mary Sue will mourn for him,
Mary, Mary, Mary Sue will mourn for him,
'Cos he won't cast spells no more!

EDIT: Because I didn't remember Irish Ballad as well as I thought.

Well done, sir/madam! Well done indeed!

Is it wrong that I hear this being played on a banjo, sung by someone with a slight nasal twang to their voice?

I don't remember this fic... but wow, the wangst, the sueage, it BURNS damn it.

PS. @The Unoriginal: I like the poetry.

Thank you, thank you... personally, I imagine the last one being sung by drunken frat wizards during a rowdy wake.

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She came out with the lifeless body of Harry. Blood covered her, her and his blood.

Blood covered his blood? Damn, that's a lot of blood. I thought the human body only held about seven liters.
Also, unless she's hella strong, she's dragging him by his arms or something. Less tragically graceful, eh?

grmblfjx wrote:

Also, unless she's hella strong, she's dragging him by his arms or something. Less tragically graceful, eh?

The author's just being really lame, this is clearly the intent and logic has no part of this.

Just glanced at the work in question...this author is either stupid or insane.

Or a troll.

Notice how there's only one other story on the profile?

I've taken the liberty of posting my own review of "A sad story":

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"Sad story" is right....it's sad to think how much good bandwidth was wasted on this act of linguistic terrorism you have the nerve to call a fanfic. Your characterizations stink like month-old fish, your command of the English language is at best open to debate, your storyline is unforgivably depressing, and your dialogue would embarrass a fifth-rate romance novelist.


Just be grateful J.K. Rowling isn't in a position to sue your sorry self for what you've done to her characters.

Chris91 wrote:

I've taken the liberty of posting my own review of "A sad story":

Er, not really necessary, as it's a golden oldie on an account with one story. AKA the ship has probably sailed.

Forgive the necro-posting, but I thought y'all might be interested to know that this morning I finally got a response to my review of "a sad story". The sender is a fanbrat who identifies herself as Flame Dawn, and as you're about to see from the text below she's mortally offended that I would dare suggest it's anything less than a masterpiece:

Flame Dawn wrote:

It seems that you are one of those people who conclude without evidence. From what I have gathered, you cannot be considered a worthwhile writer yourself. If you cannot honour J. K. Rowling by writing an immaculate, faultless story, I would recommend you not to insult others for their efforts. The story itself may not be praiseworthy, but the effort and time taken to create one can certainly be appreciated. If I may be permitted to be straightforward, your story itself lacks imagination and depth, nor does it possess eloquence or poignancy. So, if you please, I would only like to state one thing - be either worthy of being praised, or of giving praise. Since you are neither, I am afraid I must say that you do not have the power to depreciate others for having the courage to do what you yourself cannot.

Furthermore, on all official, decent writing sites, reviews are expected to be straightforward, respectful yet encouraging

Ah, I love the smell of judgmental immaturity in the morning.

Two years later, she replies to your review? o.O

Some people are just slow on the draw.

Wow...the reply to the review, belated as it came, was way more eloquent than the fic itself. Makes you wonder why the hell she didn't put any effort whatsoever into the story....or wasn't this reply written by the Suethor (Chrishemsworthinadressgah!)?

In any case, the mind surely does boggle.

It was written by one of the story's (few)fans.

Thank you, dear, I was too lazy to do the research.

It still begs the question: someone who is able to right a pretty coherent flame like that should not be a "fan" of this, uh....story.

Just sayin'.....

The Scientist wrote:

Thank you, dear, I was too lazy to do the research.

Glad I could help.

I guess I was afraid of finding out that this story has, uh....fans.