Yiff Your Way To Internet Safety with the Boy Scouts Of America

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Delcat: Hey, Zeiss, I'm bored. Can we read comic books together? Bondin' experience and junk?
Zeiss Manifold: Sounds good to me. What's on your shelf?
Delcat: Hm, let's see...Bone, Sandman, Preacher, animoo junk...hey, what's this? I don't remember this being here before.
Zeiss Manifold: What is this?..."Powerkegger Pals"?
Delcat: Hey, sounds like a good time to me. Lemme pull this out, here.

Spoiler:

Delcat: Oh God I swear I don't know how--HARLEEEEEEEY
Zeiss Manifold: NOT AFFILIATED WITH MAJOR-BRAND CEREAL
Delcat: That really looks less like "POWERPACK" and more like a giant "FUCK" with a "WERPA" stuck in the middle.
Delcat: Hey, I thought the Boy Scouts disallowed this kind of malarky.
Zeiss Manifold: I like the angry little computer. What, did the Master kick him out of his dorm?
Zeiss Manifold: The tiger's hand confuses me. Thumbs usually act like that only on Iguanodons, and those aren't mammals by a long shot.
Delcat: Two seconds after this panel, he tosses Blankie out the window onto the tiger's head, with fatal results.
Zeiss Manifold: Shorn off all his fingers, it did.
Delcat: Well, that's just his everyday fursuit. His Sunday Special is a lot more detailed.
Zeiss Manifold: If these guys start wetting themselves, I'm leaving.
Delcat: I like the bear's I'M WITH YIFFY expression/hand signal.
Delcat: Does this mean I'm going to have to tranq you and tie you down for the day we do Incontinent Student Bodies?

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Aren’t computers great? They can process words, accounting too, and their pixel screen displays for you, computer graphics locked into your memory-memory-memory
Delcat: Shit, the logo's even worse squished down like that. I'm reading FLOWERFUCK PALS.
Delcat: "Mommy, there are strangers in Halloween costumes in the living room! They smell like Grampy!"
Zeiss Manifold: It's like the bear's eyes are the only part of his face that moves. He's like a breathing, ursine cat clock.
Zeiss Manifold: Are we going to come up with nicknames for these guys?
Delcat: Well, the wolf is already named Yiffy. You pick next.
Zeiss Manifold: I name the tiger Crunchy.
Delcat: Aaaand let's compromise on the bear. Pissy? He looks like a babyfur.
Zeiss Manifold: Stenchy.
Delcat: Perfect. So Stenchy, Yiffy, and Crunchy are telling a bunch of minors to Google "zoo". What could possibly go wrong?
Zeiss Manifold: The kid on the left, though, is only interested in the internet as a method of pricing Jell-O Pudding Pops zip zoobidy bop.
Delcat: "Can we find out about sports?"
"Can we find out about dinosaurs?"
"Can we find out about the maximum capacity of the human anus?"
"what"
Zeiss Manifold: MORE MORE MORE
Zeiss Manifold: EVERYTHING YOU WANTED AND MORE
Delcat: and MORE

Spoiler:

Delcat: I thought the most important rule of the Internet was #34.
Zeiss Manifold: Jesus Jones is Stenchy scary. This is looking more and more like a hostage situation.
Delcat: He looks like the Disneyworld-obsessed pedophile from the serial killer covention in Sandman.
Zeiss Manifold: And Crunchy does look like a certain cereal OH GOD NO
Delcat: So where does Yiffy stand? What's his role in this?
Delcat: Wait, actually, you know what he reminds me of? The furry victim in CSI. Any second now he's gonna start hoorfing up musk and ipecac.
Zeiss Manifold: He's the obligatory "FGSFDS" guy
Delcat: Okay, no name, address, telephone number, or school. That leaves SSN, credit card information, license plate number...
Zeiss Manifold: Debit card, PIN number...
Delcat: ZEISS YOU JUST SAID "PIN NUMBER"
Delcat: BEND OVER THE DESK WHILE CRUNCHY PUNISHES YOU
Zeiss Manifold: NO NOW I'M GOING TO GET THE HIV VIRUS
Delcat: AND IT'LL DEVELOP INTO THE AIDS SYNDROME IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL
Delcat: man I can barely even read this with the other panels showing through, they must have printed this on paper you could spit through
Zeiss Manifold: It was drawn on rolling papers.
Delcat: Rice paper, more like. Learn about the Internet, then have a delicious Cheeto-flavored snack!

Spoiler:

Delcat: GOSH I MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE I MEET ON THE INTERNET, IT'S A SHAME THE INTERNET ISN'T A FORM OF COMMUNICATION OR ANYTHING
Zeiss Manifold: MY INTERNET TASTES LIKE A CHEESEBURGER
Zeiss Manifold: MY INTERNET TASTES LIKE A TACO
Zeiss Manifold: Those kids are wayyyyyy too excited about all this
Delcat: "Most people on the Internet are good! ...and batshit insane. ...and actually pretty evil, when I think about it, fuck."
Delcat: The kids totally flubbed their line there. It reads like someone trying to sing karaoke and read the words at the same time. "BETTER TO BE--fuck--BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN--SAFE THAN SORRY"
Delcat: "OK, guys, what do YOU want to learn about first?"
"Goatse!"
"The game!"
"Chris-chan!"
"Why are we even here?"
Zeiss Manifold: "We're here so you can learn to SAY YOUR LINES RIGHT YOU DAMN KIDS"
Zeiss Manifold: Meanwhile, the fgsfds syndrome spreads.
Delcat: I think Yiffy just has lazy eye.
Zeiss Manifold: Gee, Yiffy, you look kinda cool. HEY, STOP TOUCHING THAT KID
Zeiss Manifold: DEL WHY ARE THE FURRIES TOUCHING CHILDREN
Delcat: "I'M JUST SCRITCHING HIM A LITTLE IT'S FRIENDLY"
Zeiss Manifold: "CHECKING HIM FOR TICKS AND ALL"
Zeiss Manifold: "But wolves don't check for ticks!"
Delcat: And, in a roundabout way, we learn about monkeys. HOORAY!

Spoiler:

Delcat: ZEISS ZEISS YIFFY IS ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT MY AREA
Zeiss Manifold: ...Monkeys?
Zeiss Manifold: Boy, Garth Marenghi was gullible right from the start.
Delcat: Okay, let me try this. "monkey" into Google, and...
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: Monkey - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia…A monkey is any cercopithecoid (Old World monkey) or platyrrhine (New World monkey) primate. All primates that are not prosimians (lemurs and tarsiers) or...
Monkey Mag UK | FREE Mens Magazine | Girls, Videos, Entertainment
Monkey, Weekly FREE Mens Magazine featuring cute girls, babes, pictures, nude celebrities, funny video, girls on girls, boobs, booty & cover girls.
monkey.kontraband.com/ - Cached - Similar -
Zeiss Manifold: Aye yi yi, aye yi yi, searching for the big Monkey Mag
Delcat: I might mention that somewhere on the third page, my Winamp shuffled up "Bad" by the Tiger Lillies. I'm starting to fear its sentience.
Delcat: I don't see a "monkey-info-for-kids.dot" anywhere, Zeiss. I think this is false monkey advertising.
Zeiss Manifold: Last panel: YIFF HEIL
Delcat: Of course, they do seem to be using the MONKEY SEARCH app, which I admittedly only have the unregistered version of. It only lets you search Old World monkeys and select capuchins.
Delcat: That kid views the world through Russian-tinted glasses, I must say.
Zeiss Manifold: Ah yes, the infamous Cyrillic Lemur.
Delcat: "We can use some MONEY! We can use it to buy DRUGS! And NEEDLES! And a GUN!"
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"Hey, we're already in a shitty PSA comic, we might as well go the whole nine yards."
Zeiss Manifold: That basically covers every bad PSA comic topic except for venereal disease, and...we still can't rule out that it'll come up later.
Delcat: Dude, those fursuits are like a clap Chernobyl waiting to happen. Pray they don't fall asleep at the zipper.

-TO BE CONTINUED-

Nice sporking, folks. I like the way furries have completely ruined all kids' stuff with anthropomorphic characters. Maybe the Great Conformity Machine will have to find something else to slam stuff into kids' heads with...and in another generation or two, that will become somebody's fetish as well.

Please don't tell me I was the only one who thought a furry asking to use the internet to search for "information" on animals in the zoo was going to look up animal porn and Discovery Channel nature documentaries...

Great work you two, I lol'd lots.

It looks to me like they are using a search engine called "Monkey Search." As in, a search engine for monkeys, or about them.

Either way, that's pretty rad.

I love the expression of the black girl at the last panel of the third page. She seems totally fed up with their patronizing ways.

I about died laughing. What really disturbs me is that the tiger and wolf are so... buff. And they're shirtless. And hanging around with a bear. Hmm...

What keeps getting me is the line at the bottom of each page, saying "Household DANGERS: Guns & Computers". That's just... odd on at least three different levels.

COMPUTERS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE WITH COMPUTERS KILL PEOPLE

grmblfjx wrote:

What keeps getting me is the line at the bottom of each page, saying "Household DANGERS: Guns & Computers". That's just... odd on at least three different levels.

COMPUTERS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE WITH COMPUTERS KILL PEOPLE

The copy we grabbed was off Ethan Persoff's site, and given some of the other stuff on there, I highly doubt that the warning is serious. (The "gun" bit refers to an NRA promotional comic that was included in the same update).

And now I'm sitting here wondering how many kids from my generation ever got a crush on Tony the Tiger from the Frosted Flakes advertisements on TV...

NOTHING IS SAFE! NOTHING! :panic:

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Garth Marenghi is the Christ child, film at 11.
Delcat: "Well, we got this comic for free."
"And see where it got you?"
Zeiss Manifold: "Baloo"? The Boy Scouts are just bending over for a lawsuit at this point.
Delcat: Stenchy's hand motions don't match up at all with his eye motions. It's like they actually drew people in mascot suits instead of whimsical animal characters.
Delcat: ...Zeiss, did they...did they have models?
Zeiss Manifold: I think they used a Team America puppet as reference for the first panel. As for the rest, I'm not sure.
Delcat: "Monkeys are funny! They throw shit and rub their genitals!"
"Yes, just like the Internet!"
Delcat: Third panel: "Hey kid, I'm just gonna slap speech bubbles all over your face and then fail to connect one of them, hope you don't mind."
"MY EYE"
Zeiss Manifold: Every face in this comic looks like someone was holding a gun to the models' head.
Delcat: Boy, this sure is informative. Did you know that we're supposed to be talking about topics we all like on Wugwuh, Zeiss?
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: "This meeting will now come to order."
"NO U"
"LOL HAX"

Spoiler:

Delcat: WHAT THE FUCK THE ADULTS KNOW ABOUT THIS AND AREN'T CALLING THE COPS
Delcat: ZEISS DO THE FURRIES HAVE GUNS
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 1: "...OR I'LL CUT YOU."
Delcat: Panel 3: CAKE GOES IN HERE
Delcat: or watermelon, judging by those oversized lips. SENSITIVE, BOY SCOUTS.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 5: Internet harassment can be prevented via using a cardstock keyboard.
Delcat: I feel like we should be checking Urban Dictionary for the definition of "feeling chimpy". I think it denotes the act of shoving a banana into your urethra and letting someone pick nits out of your pubic hair.
Delcat: ...or so I heard.
Zeiss Manifold: "Feeling Chimpy?" Something sounds off with that. Are you sure they haven't logged on to Stormfront?
Delcat: It says a lot that Tarzan is more literate than 98% of chatters in the history of the Internet. He isn't even /r/ing pics of Jane.
Zeiss Manifold: "Hi King Kong I like monkeys too DO YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT TELL ME HOW MUCH"
Delcat: Honestly, inappropriate masturbation is perfectly kosher here. I mean, it's a MONKEY chat room.

Spoiler:

Delcat: Stenchy sure does like to hold up that finger. I wonder where it's been.
Zeiss Manifold: It's like they're all racial cariactures of races that don't exist.
Delcat: Bears are used to portray Russians in cartoons sometimes. Do Russians like fingers a whole awful lot?
Zeiss Manifold: I don't need the comic to figure that googling "finger russians" is a bad idea.
Delcat: Hey, look, guys! Someone is being a dumbass on the Internet, and these kids are ignoring him in the hopes he'll go away! WHY CAN'T YOU?
Delcat: On the other hand, this guy IS reaching Unskilled levels of creepiness.
Zeiss Manifold: The hell is Moe doing here? Is he like these kids' collective bad conscience?
Delcat: Of course, the REALLY creepy one here is everyone ELSE on the chatroom. monkey-info-for-kids.dot is about as generic as you can get, and yet these guys somehow know information on the exact zoo the kids want to visit? WHEE-OO, WHEE-OO, STRANGER DANGER!
Delcat: Jungle Boy is undoubtedly a government plant, unlearned in the secret codes of Monkey Chat.
Delcat: Assuming that Kaa is another horrible furry abomination, how is he typing with his lack of limbs? Does he have voice recognition software? If so, why doesn't it read "I LOCK DUN KEYS OH FORK I HAT THIS THING"
Zeiss Manifold: I hope Kaa doesn't show up. This thing is bad enough without hypnofetishists.
Delcat: "I don't know, Stenchy, this guy says we can trust in him, just in him. Ssssss."

Spoiler:

Delcat: OH GOD HE WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE POWER SWITCH HE JUST FUCKED UP THE OS SO BAD MY GOD
Zeiss Manifold: And Googling "tiger" turns up...nothing objectionable, actually. THE INTERNET.
Delcat: So, what did they see? Tubgrl? Celebrian? /b/? Chris-chan? Wugwuh? The Penn and Teller's Bullshit episode on the objectionable practices of the Boy Scouts?
Zeiss Manifold: Y'know, if I actually followed Crunchy's policy in my youth, I'm pretty sure my Mom would have just got annoyed at me and stopped caring whether I was looking at dickgirl trilobites rubbing horseradish all over themselves or whatever.
Zeiss Manifold: "What, again? Stop bothering me with this silly horseradish business!"
Delcat: Dangit Zeiss I told you to stay out of that folder
Delcat: Panel 3 honestly terrifies me. That looming, sightless bear, intoning to GET OUT OF PLACES THAT DON'T SEEM RIGHT. It's almost Lynchian, really.
Delcat: And "They CONTROL their computer" sounds like something a Linux fetishist would whine about.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm pretty sure I saw him the appendix of House of Leaves, now that I think about it.
Delcat: We really need that second-to-last panel as a banner at the top of Wugwuh. It might flummox these danged underage n00bs, at least briefly.
Zeiss Manifold: That chimp looks like he's hatching a plot against the kids. Are they really safer here?
Delcat: As a side note, this entire premise is just stupid. Researching animals online before going to a zoo is like reading a page of spoilers before going to a movie--they're going to tell you everything you read anyway, so the only real point is to be a complete douche and yell it out early.
Delcat: "THE PANDA IS CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!"
"God, will someone shut that little shit UP? I paid seven-fifty for this!"

Spoiler:

Delcat: Hey, I thought we were doing that evolution Chick tract NEXT week.
Delcat: Due to funding cutbacks, the infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters experiment has been reduced to a single monkey with a Windows 95 and a one-button mouse. Reportedly, even he thinks Dr. Thinker is incomprehensible.
Zeiss Manifold: We don't know if infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters can replicate the works of Shakespeare, but one little guy can make a good attempt at the "Linda does the laundry" scene.
Zeiss Manifold: ...Actually, the first page of Google results for 'tiger' brings up some art magazine with a semi-nude woman on the cover. I can't imagine any kid going "OH GOD TURN IT OFF" at it, though, unless...they were being conditioned to be furries.
Delcat: NOT THE HYOOMAN!
Zeiss Manifold: Attempts to make a 2girls1cup reaction video starring Washoe were met with mixed results.
Delcat: I never know who I'm talking to on the Internet, eh? ZEISS, WHO ARE YOU??
Zeiss Manifold: Oh, just someone you've never heard of...
Zeiss Manifold: ...named MEISS ZANIFOLD

Spoiler:

Delcat: GASPY!
Delcat: Well, I'm a potted plant with limited sentience, so that works.
Meiss Zanifold: NOW DELCAT
Meiss Zanifold: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ZOOS
Delcat: Do you mean the people or the large animal exhibits?
Meiss Zanifold: WHY, JUST ZOOS IN GENERAL IS ALL
Delcat: WELL, THEY BEAT MONKEY CHAT
Delcat: At least we've all learned a valuable lesson from this.
Meiss Zanifold: BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEATING MONKEYS
Delcat: I HAVE NEVER DONE SO IN MY LIFE, SIR
Meiss Zanifold: OH MAN, YOU'RE MISSING OUT
Meiss Zanifold: NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY THIS SILLY 'LESSON' IS
Delcat: Harley's been in my room again. STAY OUT OF MY ROOM, HARLEY, I ONLY JUST CHANGED THE LOCKS SINCE UNSKILLED LEFT.
Meiss Zanifold: WHENEVER YOU SEE FURRIES, TELL AN ADULT
Delcat: Can't I just kick them in the nads and run?
Meiss Zanifold: TELLING ADULTS WILL GIVE THE FURRIES TIME TO RECOUP
Delcat: WHAT IF THEY ZAP ME TO THE EXTREME??
Meiss Zanifold: AND THEN CWCVILLE SHALL EXTEND TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH
Delcat: !
Delcat: Man, I never get tired of that thing.

*applause*

I think this comic's secret agenda is to make using the Internet sound so mind-bogglingly dull that kids won't want to bother with it. Apparently the most exciting thing you can use it for is looking up extremely generic info you're about to find out anyway, and you have to harass your parents practically every time you want to click on a new URL. (Although they shot themselves in the foot with the mysterious naughty tiger page. Kids everywhere will be Googling 'Tiger' and scrolling down till they find something unsettling. It's like a horror movie trailer that doesn't show the monster; everyone will want to go and see it.)

Good job, I laughed quite a lot. Pretty much made up for my being sick at the moment.

BTW - damn, all those Brave Little Toaster references - I had totally forgotten about that movie. Now I need to see it again.