Tuxedo Mark: intense detergent pouring, overheating kicking robots and the world's most boring lesbian sex scenes

Tuxedo Mark was discussed in some detail on both GAFF and HoBF, principally for two fanfics: Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament (MSGT) and the Linda Danvers Fanfic Series (LDFS - note that some later chapters of this fic feature possible One Rule-breaking material in the form of a possibly underage character in sexual situations). Some of the more famously idiosyncratic (read: crap) features of his work include:

-Mindbendingly flat and unimaginative characterization and dialogue, to the extent that all his female characters (and he hardly writes about male ones at all) are almost interchangeable and nearly every conversation sounds like the characters are reading from a script and/or on Valium. Examples:

Quote :

Linda Danvers woke up and shut off her clock radio.
She got out of bed and made it. She got dressed and went to the bathroom. She combed her hair and washed her face. She then grabbed her backpack from her room, walked downstairs, and went into the kitchen.
"Hi." Linda said.
"Hi." Edna, her mother, said.
Linda sat down at the table and ate her breakfast - cereal with cold milk.
After a while, Edna sat down at the table with her daughter. "Linda, you should make friends. Talk to people at school."
"I really don't have much in common with other people." Linda said. "Most of the kids in my classes talk about sports or cheerleading or after-school activities. I'm not interested in that stuff."
"You have to make yourself interested."
"Mommy, I can't make myself interested in stuff." Linda told her. "I either like something, or I don't."
"You not interesting in anything! You like your TV shows and your video games and your cartoons. You are almost 16. You should forget this shit."
"No."
"Linda, please try to make a friend today."
"Okay." Linda stood up and picked hung her bookbag over her left shoulder.
"Have a good day." Edna said.
"You, too." Linda walked into the living room. She put on her shoes and went out the front door.
She stood in the driveway and waited for the school bus to arrive.
-Linda Danvers 01 - Linda's New Friend

Quote :

Fa sat on the couch in the living room of her and Mirai's house.
She was flipping through a photo album.
She was mostly looking at pictures of her parents. There were pictures of her mother by herself, her father by himself, her parents together, her mother with Fa, her father with Fa, and both of her parents with Fa.
Mirai walked downstairs and over to the couch.
"Aren't you coming to bed?" Mirai asked.
"In a bit."
Mirai sat down to Fa's right on the couch.
Mirai looked at the pictures. "You were a cute kid."
"Thanks."
"You're still cute."
"Thanks."
"That was a hint, Fa. I want you upstairs and nude."
"In a bit."
Mirai sighed and looked at the pictures.
The telephone rang.
Fa picked up the handset. "Hello?"
"Fa, it's your mother."
"And your father."
"Hi, mom. Hi, dad."
"Why are you speaking English?"
"Because Lucrezia requires it, mom. that's why."
"What does that stupid Canadian know?"
"She's my superior officer, dad. While I question some of her decisions, such as not allowing me to touch the Gundam until my match, I mostly trust her judgment."
"I really wish you'd live at home. You're only 18."
"I am home, mom."
"Good luck in your match on Monday."
"Thanks, dad."
"I'm sure that you'll win on Monday and make us and all of Japan proud."
"I'm not so sure, mom, but thanks for having confidence in me."
"Bye, Fa."
"Bye, dad."
"Bye, Fa."
"Bye, ma."
Fa turned off the handset and set it down to charge.
Fa sighed. "They think I'll win the match and make them proud. It's nice to know they're not already proud of me."
"What made you think of them now?" Mirai asked.
"I don't know. Maybe it's the pressure. I joined the Air Self-Defense Force against their wishes, because I wanted to get away from home. I constantly feel that I'm out of my league, though. Maybe I shouldn't have joined."
"You're a Lieutenant. That should indicate that you're doing well."
"What does the Peter Principle say? 'In a hierarchy, every person tends to rise to her level of incompetence.' Right?"
Mirai sighed. "Something like that. Don't beat yourself up, though. You're a fucking good pilot."
"I don't feel like it."
"Your parents should be proud of you. Mine would be...for taking care of me."
Fa smiled weakly. "Thanks, sweetie."
Fa closed the photo album and set it on the coffee table. Then she stood up.
"Come on. You have to exhaust me, so I can get a good night's sleep."
Mirai happily followed Fa upstairs.
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 16: Fa's Doubts

-Long, pointlessly detailed descriptions of characters doing incredibly mundane things like doing laundry, packing bags, etc. Examples:

Quote :

Linda walked into the living room and then into the bedroom. She picked up the laundry basket, turned, walked out of the bedroom, and walked over to the front door. Linda unlocked and opened the front door. She then unlocked and opened the screen door. She walked outside and over to the garage. Linda opened the small door and walked into the garage. She turned on the light. She walked over to the washing machine and set the basket on the floor. Linda opened the washing machine and put the clothes into it. She picked up a bottle of laundry detergent and opened it. She poured the laundry detergent into the cap and then poured the detergent from the cap into the laundry machine. She closed the bottle and set it on the floor. She closed the washing machine, set the dial, and started the machine. She turned and walked back over to the door. She turned off the light. Linda walked out of the garage, closing the door behind her. She walked back over to the house and opened the screen door. Linda walked into the living room. She turned, closed the screen door, locked it, closed the front door, and locked it. Linda turned and walked into the bedroom.

Linda walked into the living room and over to the front door. She unlocked and opened the front door. She then unlocked and opened the screen door. Linda walked outside and over to the garage. She opened the small door and walked into the garage. She turned on the light. Linda walked over to the washing machine and opened it. She opened the dryer. Linda took the clothes out of the washing machine and put them into the dryer. She closed the dryer and started it. She turned and walked back over to the door. She turned off the light. Linda walked out of the garage, closing the door behind her. She walked back over to the house and opened the screen door. Linda walked into the living room. She turned, closed the screen door, locked it, closed the front door, and locked it. Linda turned and walked into the bedroom.
Linda walked into the living room and over to the front door. She unlocked and opened the front door. She then unlocked and opened the screen door. Linda walked outside and over to the garage. She opened the small door and walked into the garage. She turned on the light. Linda walked over to the dryer and opened it. Linda took the clothes out of the dryer and put them into the basket. She closed the dryer. She picked up the basket, turned, and walked back over to the door. She turned off the light. Linda walked out of the garage, closing the door behind her. She walked back over to the house and opened the screen door. Linda walked into the living room. She turned, closed the screen door, locked it, closed the front door, and locked it. Linda turned and walked into the bedroom.
-Linda Danvers: Girl of Steel 6 - Linda's Sacrifices for Love

Quote :

Sayla put a duffel bag on the bed and opened it.
Then she got a clean uniform and put it into the bag.
She also got a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a box of dental floss, a small bottle of mouthwash, a small can of deodorant spray, a small bar of soap, and a small bottle of shampoo from the bathroom and put them into the bag.
Sayla zipped the bag closed.
"Is that all that you're taking?" Fraw asked.
"We're going there just for the match. We'll be back home by tomorrow evening. Pack just one pair of clothes. It'll be enough."
"okay."
Fraw got a duffel bag, put it on the bed, and opened it.
"Don't worry about the hygiene stuff. I already packed it."
"Okay."
Fraw got a fresh set of clothes and put it into the bag.
She zipped the bag closed.
Sayla checked her watch. "We should get to the base and board the plane."
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 3: Sayla's Doubts

-Frequent but unbelievably boring lesbian sex scenes that read like two robots going at it or a transcript from a text based adventure game. Examples:

Quote :

Reccoa, Stella, and Une took off their clothes and stepped into their shower cabin.
Une slid the door closed.
"Do you want any music, Reccoa?" Stella asked.
"Yes."
"Une?"
"Yes."
Stella turned on the portable radio. "Hallucinations (Dream World Mix)" by In The Nursery started playing.
Reccoa waited in anticipation.
Stella turned on the water. She felt it with her left hand to determine the temperature. When it was warm, she turned on the shower.
Water splashed on all three women, getting them wet.
Stella hugged Reccoa.
Reccoa stared back at Stella.
Stella kissed Reccoa on the lips.
Reccoa hugged Stella.
Stella pressed her tongue against Reccoa's lips.
Reccoa parted her lips and allowed Stella's tongue into her mouth.
The two women french-kissed.
Reccoa felt warm - both because of the water and because of Stella's kiss.
Une stood behind Reccoa, pressing against her, and placed her hands on Stella's ass.
Stella placed her hands on Une's ass.
Une licked up the right side of Reccoa's neck repeatedly.

(snip – the actual scene is much, much longer)

Reccoa licked up the right side of Une's neck repeatedly.
Stella finished the kiss. "Let's relax a bit now."
Stella took her hands off of Reccoa's ass.
Reccoa took her hands off of Stella's ass.
Une let go of Stella.
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 9 - Reccoa's Doubts

Quote :

Linda took off her own underwear and sat to Lara's right on the bed.
Lara took off her own underwear. "What are we gonna do?"
"You'll see." Linda replied.
Linda leaned forward and kissed Lara's lips. She hugged Lara. Lara hugged Linda. The two girls kissed for a minute. Linda pressed her tongue against Lara's lips. Lara parted her lips and admitted Linda's tongue into her mouth.
Suddenly, Linda broke the kiss and released Lara. Lara released Linda.
Linda looked at her computer clock. "Tuesday, February 14, 2006, 8:05 AM."
Then Linda faced Lara again.
Linda put her left hand on Lara's right breast and caressed it. Then Linda put her right hand on Lara's left breast and caressed it.
Lara sighed.
"Does that feel good?" Linda asked.
"Mmm-hmm." Lara replied.
"Do me now." Linda told her.
Lara looked at Linda's computer clock. "8:07 AM."
Then Lara faced Linda again.
Lara put her left hand on Linda's right breast and caressed it. Then Lara put her right hand on Linda's left breast and caressed it.
Linda sighed.
"Does that feel good?" Lara asked.
"Mmm-hmm." Linda replied.
"Suck your own tits first." Lara told Linda. "I want to see you do it."
Linda cupped her own left breast with her hands, raised it, tilted her head down, extended her tongue, and licked her nipple. Then Linda sucked on her nipple. After one minute, Linda released her nipple from her mouth and let go of her breast. Then Linda cupped her own right breast with her hands, raised it, extended her tongue, and licked her nipple. Then Linda sucked on her nipple. After one minute, Linda released her nipple from her mouth and let go of her breast. She looked at Lara.
Lara was grinning. "Niiice."
"Now, you suck your own tits." Linda told her.
Lara cupped her own left breast with her hands, raised it, tilted her head down, extended her tongue, and licked her nipple. Then Lara sucked on her nipple. After one minute, Lara released her nipple from her mouth and let go of her breast. Then Lara cupped her own right breast with her hands, raised it, extended her tongue, and licked her nipple. Then Lara sucked on her nipple. After one minute, Lara released her nipple from her mouth and let go of her breast. She looked at Linda.
Linda was grinning. "Niiice."
Lara stared at her.
Linda looked at her computer clock. "8:20 AM."
Then Linda faced Lara again.
Linda put her left hand on Lara's right breast and caressed it. Linda ran her fingers over Lara's entire breast.
Lara sighed.
"Does that feel good?" Linda asked.
"Mmm-hmm." Lara replied.
Linda squeezed Lara's breast.
Lara moaned in pleasure.
Linda squeezed Lara's nipple with her thumb and index finger.
Lara moaned louder.
Linda took her hand off of Lara's breast.
"Feel the other one now." Lara told her.
Linda put her right hand on Lara's left breast and caressed it. Linda ran her fingers over Lara's entire breast.
Lara sighed.
Linda squeezed Lara's breast.
Lara moaned in pleasure.
Linda squeezed Lara's nipple with her thumb and index finger.
Lara moaned louder.
Linda took her hand off of Lara's breast.
"Do me now." Linda told her.
Lara looked at Linda's computer clock. "8:25 AM."

(snip a hell of a lot more of the same)

Linda cried out in pleasure and had an orgasm. Linda cummed into Lara's mouth.
Lara felt Linda's vaginal muscles clamp down on her tongue. Lara drank Linda's cum.
Linda's heavy breathing slowly returned to normal as she came down from her climax.
Lara moved up and kissed Linda's lips. "Did that feel good?"
"Mmm-hmm." Linda replied.
Linda sat up.
Lara smiled and sat on Linda's lap.
"Thank you." Lara told her. "This was a great Valentine's Day present."
Linda smiled. "No problem, and thank you. Now, kiss me."
Lara hugged Linda. Linda hugged Lara. They felt their breasts press against each other's. Lara kissed Linda's lips.
Linda stopped kissing Lara and smiled. "I love you."
Lara smiled. "I love you, too."
-Linda Danvers 31

(continued in next post)

-Fight scenes (in MSGT) that consist of nothing but robots alternately kicking and shooting at each other (with little or no distinction between the two, so either they can kick at gun range or they're dumb enough to shoot while in melee range):

Quote :

"Good afternoon, everyone. Welcome to Level 1, Match 02, of the First Gundam Tournament. We're here live in the desert in Kuwait. Allow me to introduce myself to those of you watching at home. My name is Bright Noa. I am the commentator for this tournament. Today's match is Kuwait versus the United Kingdom. The Kuwaiti pilot is Nasser Al-Sabah. The United Kingdom's pilot is Sayla Mass. Kuwait's Gundam - the sandy one - is 18 meters tall, 1 meter of which is taken up by the head. It is armed with a beam saber. The United Kingdom's Gundam - the white one - is 18.5 meters tall, 0.5 meters of which is taken up by the head. It is armed with a beam rifle. The match is about to begin."
"Fight!" a simulated male voice declared over a speaker.
Nasser moved his Gundam forward and punched Sayla's Gundam with its right fist. Sayla's Gundam was knocked back a bit.
Sayla made her Gundam jump into the air, then she fired at Nasser's Gundam with the beam rifle in its right hand. The shots hit Nasser's Gundam repeatedly.
Nasser swung at Sayla's Gundam repeatedly with the beam saber in his Gundam's left hand. The saber hit Sayla's Gundam repeatedly.
"Overheating!" the simulated male voice of Sayla's Gundam declared.
"Take that!" Nasser yelled.
"Take this!" Sayla yelled.
Sayla fired her Gundam's beam rifle repeatedly, hitting Nasser's Gundam over and over again.
"Overheating!" the simulated male voice of Nasser's Gundam declared.
"You won't do that again!" Nasser exclaimed.
Nasser kicked Sayla's Gundam ten times with his Gundam's left leg.
"Overheating!" the simulated male voice of Sayla's Gundam declared.
Sayla kicked Nasser's Gundam repeatedly with her Gundam's right leg.
"Overheating!" the simulated male voice of Nasser's Gundam declared.
Nasser swung his Gundam's beam saber. Sayla activated her Gundam's thrusters and flew her Gundam into the sky, dodging the saber.
"Those beam sabers aren't very effective as long-range weapons!" Sayla told Nasser.
"I don't need long-range weapons!" Nasser yelled.
Nasser made his Gundam run towards Sayla's Gundam.
Sayla fired her Gundam's beam rifle repeatedly at Nasser's Gundam, hitting it repeatedly.
"Checkmate!" the simulated male voice of Nasser's Gundam declared.
Nasser's Gundam fell backwards.
"Well done! Glory to the winner!" the simulated male voice declared over a speaker.
"Damn it!" Nasser exclaimed. "How could this happen?!"
"And there you have it. The United Kingdom has beaten Kuwait. It certainly was a close match, and the United Kingdom's win could be considered only luck. Kuwait is out of the competition, but it is allowed to assist another nation of its choice. The United Kingdom moves on to Level 2. There will be more coverage on your evening news. Thank you for joining us."
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 4: Level 1, Match 02

-Copy-pasting of text in MSGT to the extent that many chapters are exactly the same with only a few names/scenes changed. Compare:

Quote :

At Aznable Air Force Base in Tampa, Florida, work was proceeding on the United States' Gundam.
Lunamaria Hawke, the Gundam's test pilot, was sitting in the cockpit, which was located in the Gundam's chest area.
Emma Sheen stood on the platform adjacent to the cockpit, watching Lunamaria. Standing at consoles on the platform were Nina Purpleton and Lucette Audevie, the two engineers that had designed the Gundam for the United States Government. The fourth person on the platform was Relena Peacecraft. She was interested in the proceedings but was primarily there to give moral support to Emma.
"Okay, raise the right arm."
At Nina's request, Lunamaria pulled the lever on her console that controlled the right arm. The arm slowly rose up until it was pointing straight up.
Nina smiled. "Good. Now, make a fist."
Lunamaria pressed the right fist button. The Gundam's right hand closed into a fist.
Nina nodded. "Good!"
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 2: Level 1, Match 01

Quote :

At Miyasato Air Self-Defense Force Base in Tokyo, Japan, work was proceeding on Japan's Gundam.
The Gundam was located in a hangar. An elevator was set up to take people up to various levels of the Gundam. There were also metal platforms set up for people to walk on.
Mirai Yashima, the Gundam's test pilot, was sitting in the cockpit, which was located in the Gundam's chest area.
Fa Yuiry stood on the platform adjacent to the cockpit, watching Mirai. Standing at consoles on the platform was Rain Mikamura, the head engineer that had designed the Gundam for the Japanese Government.
"Okay, raise the right arm."
At Rain's request, Mirai pulled the lever on her console that controlled the right arm. The arm slowly rose up until it was pointing straight up.
Rain smiled. "Good. Now, make a fist."
Mirai pressed the right fist button. The Gundam's right hand closed into a fist.
Rain nodded. "Good! I think that's about all that we have enough time for. Power down, Mirai."
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 16: Fa's Doubts

Quote :

The place where the Canadian Gundam was being tested was cole du Ciel in Montreal, Canada. The Gundam was in a hangar.
Asuna Elmarit, the Gundam's test pilot, was sitting in the cockpit, which was located in the Gundam's chest area.
Christina MacKenzie and Reccoa Londe stood on the platform adjacent to the cockpit, watching Asuna. Standing at consoles on the platform were Miriallia Haw, the Gundam's head engineer and communications officer, and Stella Loussier, the French Gundam engineer. Flay Allster and Catherine Bloom were also standing there, staring at the Gundam in fascination. They were interested in the proceedings but were primarily there to give moral support to Christina.
"Okay, raise the right arm."
At Miriallia's request, Asuna pulled the lever on her console that controlled the right arm. The arm slowly rose up until it was pointing straight up.
Miriallia smiled. "Good. Now, make a fist."
Asuna pressed the right fist button. The Gundam's right hand closed into a fist.
Miriallia nodded. "Good!"
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 2: Level 1, Match 01

-Bizarre, anvilicious and/or out-of-place injection of his personal opinions into his fics, e.g.:

Quote :

Christina picked up her gavel, banged it, and set it down. "Okay, let's get down to business. Relena Peacecraft of the United States of America has the floor."
Relena stood up. "Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a list of complaints regarding society that need to be addressed. We should install cell phone jammers in movie theaters. We should make English the official language of the United States. Illegal immigrants - with the exception of those that arrived as minors - should be deported immediately. Tobacco products should be banned worldwide. Hybrid, electrical, hydrogen, and other alternative-fuel vehicles should be mandatory. We need to reduce our consumption of oil and pollution of the Earth. Store customers should be required to use cloth bags. There should be stricter standards for keeping driver's licenses, and there should be mandatory licences for having children and parenting. We need to reduce the Earth's average stupidity. We need to be smarter. That's all that I have for now. As we move forward in this new era, let us not repeat the mistakes of the past. Let us not suck. Let us be awesome, now and forever. Let us be friends, now and forever. We are 1 world. We all depend on each other and are affected by each other. Let us be the best that we can be and always strive to be better than we are. Let us meet all of our challenges head-on. Let us do all of this and more. We are the human race. We are the human family. Let us love each other and not fight anymore. That is my wish: total pacifism."
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 50: Paradise

Quote :

"Li, you've agreed to live with a man for the rest of your life! You shouldn't do that unless you've lived with him for at least a few years! That way, you'll know his manner of living. You'll learn to do things like household chores together. You'll also have to share your belongings, like the TV and video games. If you marry him without living with him first, and then you find out you can't live with him, too late; you're stuck."
"I can't believe I didn't take that into consideration!" Li said. "But I'm sure we'll be able to work things out."
"And don't forget spousal abuse." Lana reminded her. "It's quite common."
Li gasped. "Simon would never abuse me! He's so sweet!"
"Li, you never know. He can be the sweetest person before you marry him. Then once he's got you, he'll be domineering. He'll want things done his way. He can hit you, mentally abuse you, rape you, or even kill you!"
"No!" Li yelled. "Simon's not like that!"
"I hope you're right." Lana said. "But still, it's a gamble. I just want you to realize that. Also, there's a chance that the marriage simply won't work out. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Personally, I think those are crappy chances. I'd rather be unmarried than divorced."
"Is that it?" Li asked.
"I'm sure there's a lot of things I've left out," Lana said, "but yeah, that about covers it." Li turned and walked away.
-Wholly Crapimony

To sum up: Tuxedo Mark's writing frequently transcends mere badness and ventures into uncharted realms of strangeness in its head-scratching refusal to follow any kind of sensible writing conventions - it is the textual equivalent of staring at Cthulhu. When it's not doing that, it often gives the uncomfortable impression that it's telling the reader more about him than they really want to know (I haven't dwelt on this above much). For more of my thoughts on Mark's work, see about half the reviews posted for MSGT - I spent quite a lot of time trying to get some insight into his bizarre writing style and attempting to explain why the fic is bad and how to improve it. Interestingly, unlike your typical fanbrat, he has rarely if ever engaged in BAWWWing or other drama, indeed his responses to feedback tend to be about as flat as his fics. When asked why people kept calling out the time in the middle of sex, he said it was for their personal records so they'd know when they first did particular sex acts. When asked if he considered this unusual, his reply was a nonchalant “I don't know, but I'd certainly do it.”

Tuxedo Mark can apparently be viewed and heard in the flesh on YouTube (link to profile), where he has posted a number of video game reviews, fanvids and slideshows which I'm told are not much better than his fanfics.

Tuxedo Mark posts on YouTube?! OH DEAR GOD!

And he opens a can with great deliberation. I forget what he was drinking, though. Some kind of energy drink? If so, that's terrifying. If he's that boring while hopped up on sugar and caffeine, what's he like without it?

I don't want to know.

It reads like something written by a low-grade artificial intelligence. The words are in the right place and there's stuff going on, but there's no life or soul there. Nothing to engage or excite the reader on an emotional level, which is after all what writers try to do. Give us a reason to care who wins the robot fight or sleeps with whom or whatever, and try to make the scenes less like listening to a skipping record playing the same 10 seconds over and over. I've read lab reports written with more passion. This is beige prose in its purest form.

szaleniec! Please post warnings when linking to TV Tropes, I nearly ended up clicking and losing several hours!

Keith Fraser, I'm still impressed you managed to crawl through this fic. If there were special prizes for "endurance of intolerably boring fanfics", you'd win hands down.

ZoZo wrote:

Keith Fraser, I'm still impressed you managed to crawl through this fic. If there were special prizes for "endurance of intolerably boring fanfics", you'd win hands down.

Which reminds me to post this thing I made for the old boards:

Spoiler:

I'd forgotten about that award.

I think he's still a virgin. No partner would put up with him interrupting sex to call out the time to the camera. If anything they would be creeped out.

That seems more than possible. He says he has a girlfriend at one point in one of his author's notes in MSGT, but that doesn't preclude him being a virgin. To be honest, when I consider the stuff he says about his personal life, I feel kind of bad for him. It's not the standard over-the-top "I have AIDS, my dad locked me in the cellar, my puppy was turned into sausages" fanbrat crap; he's just stuck (at age 30ish) in a crappy job, still living with his mother who sounds somewhat overbearing (this gets alluded to more than necessary in his fics). It doesn't really excuse or even explain his crappy writing or strange attitude to the things he's supposedly a fan of, of course (unless he has a really weird form of emotional repression).

It seems to me that he just doesn't want to grow up. Emotionally, he's at age 5 and rather detached from everything.

I'm somewhat tempted to write a parody fic in which a female character yells "Overheating!" while having lesbian sex.

Ask and ye shall receive!

Quote :

"Good afternoon, everyone. Welcome to Level 1, Match 02, of the First Lesbian Tournament. We're here live in a sultan's harem in Kuwait. Allow me to introduce myself to those of you watching at home. My name is Bright Noa. I am the commentator for ther tournament. Today's match is Kuwait versus the United Kingdom. The Kuwaiti lesbian is Nasirah Al-Sabah. The United Kingdom's lesbian is Sayla Mass. Kuwait's lesbian - the dark one - is 1.6 meters tall, 0.2 meters of which is taken up by the breasts. It is armed with a beam vibrator. The United Kingdom's lesbian - the white one - is 1.85 meters tall, 0.3 meters of which is taken up by the breasts. It is armed with an Orgasmatron. The match is about to begin."
"Fuck!" a simulated male voice declared over a speaker.
Nasirah moved forward and groped Sayla's left breast with her right hand. Sayla moaned a bit.
Sayla jumped into the air, then she fired at Nasirah with the Orgasmatron in her right hand. The shots stimulated Nasirah repeatedly.
Nasirah swung at Sayla repeatedly with the vibrator in her left hand. The vibrator hit Sayla's cooch repeatedly.
"Overheating!" Sayla declared.
"Take that!" Nasirah yelled.
"Take this!" Sayla yelled.
Sayla fired her Orgasmatron repeatedly, stimulating Nasirah over and over again.
"Overheating!" Nasirah declared.
"You won't do that again!" Nasirah exclaimed.
Nasirah stroked Sayla's thighs ten times with her left hand.
"Overheating!" Sayla declared.
Sayla stroked Nasirah's thighs repeatedly with her right hand.
"Overheating!" Nasirah declared.
Nasirah swung her vibrator. Sayla jumped up to the ceiling, dodging the vibrator.
"Those vibrators aren't very effective as long-range sex aids!" Sayla told Nasirah.
"I don't need long-range sex aids!" Nasirah yelled.
Nasirah ran towards Sayla.
Sayla fired her Orgasmatron repeatedly at Nasirah, stimulating her repeatedly.
"I'm coming!" Nasirah declared.
Nasirah fell backwards.
"Well done! Glory to the winner!" the simulated male voice declared over a speaker.
"Damn it!" Nasirah exclaimed. "How could this happen?!"
"And there you have it. The United Kingdom has beaten Kuwait. It certainly was a close match, and the United Kingdom's win could be considered only luck. Kuwait is out of the competition, but it is allowed to assist another nation of its choice. The United Kingdom moves on to Level 2. There will be more coverage on your evening news. Thank you for joining us."

...I think I just imploded my brain.

Nice one, Keith...
And in Tuxedo's style, too...
But do any chicken products make a appearance in the post-victory meal...?
(This post has been brought to you by Mom's Robot Oil, Tesco Value Gundams, & Fieendish Farms...).

Re: The fight scenes
Yes, Keith, prolonged exposure to Tuxedo Mask's fight scenes, given their (lack of) content can result in accelerated brain rot, reviewing them, even more so...
As a laugh, I've decided to rewrite one of his fight scenes, in a less boring manner..
-

F/X: Studio Interior
"Good afternoon, everyone. Welcome to Level 1, Match 02, of the First Gundam Tournament. We're here live in the desert in Kuwait. Allow me to introduce myself to those of you watching at home. My name is Bright Noa."
(The legend "Bright Noa" appears below the image of a smiling attractive young woman, dressed in robes)
I am the commentator for this tournament. Today's match is Kuwait versus the United Kingdom. The Kuwaiti pilot is Nasser Al-Sabah. The United Kingdom's pilot is Sayla Mass. Kuwait's Gundam - the sandy one - is 18 meters tall, 1 meter of which is taken up by the head. It is armed with a beam saber. The United Kingdom's Gundam - the white one - is 18.5 meters tall, 0.5 meters of which is taken up by the head. It is armed with a beam rifle. The match is about to begin."
(While Ms.Noa is speaking, virtual graphics appear, beside her, showing both Gundams in detail, & their technical data, including Height, Weapons & Model Designations...
The Kuwaiti Gundam is a RX-59 Mk. 3, while the British Gundam is revealed to be a modified RX-63 Mk. 1. The Graphics then change to give a biography of the 2 contestants, including their blood groups).
"I've just been told that the match is about to begin"
F/X: The audience is given a view of the Battlefield from various remotely controlled cameras. The Battlefield appears to be a bleak expanse of concrete & sand...
"Fight!" a simulated male voice declared over a speaker.
Nasser charged his Gundam forward towards Sayla's Gundam & punched it with its right fist, knocking Salya's Gundam back a bit as a result of the hit.
"Right" Sayla thought, "So you like to get "Close & Personal", don't you... Let's see about that, then...".
Sayla stomped on the foot mounted pedals, that controlled her Gundam's movement, & as a result, made her Gundam jump into the air, while firing at Nasser's Gundam with the beam rifle in its right hand. Luckily, for Sayla, her somewhat unaimed shots hit Nasser's Gundam repeatedly.
Nasser meanwhile swung at Sayla's Gundam repeatedly with the beam saber in his Gundam's left hand.
Unfortunately for Nasser, the saber's violet blade hit Sayla's Gundam but once.
However, Nasser was not dismayed by this, as his strategy to make Salya's Gundam overheat & shut down, was apparently working...
"That's it, Sayla", Nasser thought. "Carry on like this, & you'll overheat & shut down, making you a helpless, immobile target for me later on...".
"Warning... Systems are Overheating!", the synthesised male voice of Sayla's Gundam declared.
"Take that!" Nasser yelled.
"Take this!" Sayla yelled.
Sayla fired her Gundam's beam rifle repeatedly, hitting Nasser's Gundam over and over again.
"Warning... Systems Are Overheating!", the simulated male voice of Nasser's Gundam declared.
"What the..." Nasser thought as his systems display revealed, that Salya's beam rifle had scored several hits, on his Gundam's internal structure, damaging his engine shielding, & causing his heat levels to spike as a result...
"This ends now..." Nasser thought "before I get crippled by overheating...".
"You won't do that again!" Nasser exclaimed.
Nasser kicked Sayla's Gundam with his Gundam's left leg, in a attempt to cause her Gundam to fall.
"Warning ! Systems Are Overheating! Shutdown in 5 Minutes !" the simulated male voice of Sayla's Gundam declared.
"So, that's your game, Nasser..." Salya thought. "Get me to overheat & shut down, eh... Well, something must have gone wrong with that plan, judging by your attempt to get to fall... Needless to say, two can play at that game...".
Sayla kicked Nasser's Gundam repeatedly with her Gundam's right leg.
"Warning! Systems Are Overheating! Shutdown in 2 Minutes, 30 Seconds", the simulated male voice of Nasser's Gundam declared.
Nasser swung his Gundam's beam saber at Salya's beam rifle, in a attempt to destroy, or at least, damage it.
In response, Sayla activated her Gundam's thrusters and leapt her Gundam into the sky, dodging the saber.
"Those beam sabers aren't very effective as long-range weapons!" Sayla told Nasser.
"I don't need long-range weapons!", Nasser yelled over the comlink.
Nasser made his Gundam run towards Sayla's Gundam, in a attempt to knock it over, thus rendering it immobile.
Sayla fired her Gundam's beam rifle at the charging Gundam, hitting it repeatedly.
"Checkmate!" the simulated male voice of Nasser's Gundam declared.
Nasser's Gundam fell backwards, as a result of heat induced shutdown & damage inflicted by Salya's beam rifle.
"Well done! Glory to the winner!" the simulated male voice declared over a speaker.
"Damn it!" Nasser exclaimed. "How could this happen?!"
F/X: The Image switches back to the studio & Ms.Noa
"And there you have it. The United Kingdom has beaten Kuwait. It certainly was a close match, and the United Kingdom's win could be considered only luck. Kuwait is out of the competition, but it is allowed to assist another nation of its choice. The United Kingdom moves on to Level 2. There will be more coverage on your evening news. Thank you for joining us."
-Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament Episode 4: Level 1, Match 02

The story was not that bad, and far from the worst thing I've seen on fanfiction.net. The Gundam story was trying to set up to be something greater, and just fell flat of reaching that goal. But, just trying to read past all that plodding text just was not going to happen. :headshot:

I don't know how you did it Keith, but my hat goes off to ya.

I added Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament to the So Bad It's Horrible (Fanfic) page on TV Tropes (it's just under halfway down, the fics are listed in alphabetical order). I had to skim the whole thing again really fast to put together the list of pairings. Believe it or not, the fic contains:

-19 different couples shown having sex at least once
-7 different threesomes
-2 different foursomes
-1 fivesome

I honestly hadn't realized there was so much variation, because the character names all blur together when their personalities and the actual scenes are so indistinguishable. Tuxedo Mark apparently either couldn't be bothered to keep track of who was sleeping with who, or (most likely, in the majority of cases) gleefully threw them together without considering how realistic or suitable it was for them to be so nonchalantly promiscuous. This might at least have made sense if the whole thing was structured like a porno, but when lumped together with supposedly earnest declarations of love, not to mention the attempt at a serious action/political plot, it just makes no sense whatsoever.

My eyes... :hell:

I'm reading it, so far it looks like one big porno is coming up.

Keith Fraser wrote:

I added Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament to the So Bad It's Horrible (Fanfic) page on TV Tropes (it's just under halfway down, the fics are listed in alphabetical order). I had to skim the whole thing again really fast to put together the list of pairings. Believe it or not, the fic contains:

-19 different couples shown having sex at least once
-7 different threesomes
-2 different foursomes
-1 fivesome

I honestly hadn't realized there was so much variation, because the character names all blur together when their personalities and the actual scenes are so indistinguishable. Tuxedo Mark apparently either couldn't be bothered to keep track of who was sleeping with who, or (most likely, in the majority of cases) gleefully threw them together without considering how realistic or suitable it was for them to be so nonchalantly promiscuous. This might at least have made sense if the whole thing was structured like a porno, but when lumped together with supposedly earnest declarations of love, not to mention the attempt at a serious action/political plot, it just makes no sense whatsoever.

It's a sign of how boring the sex scenes were that I can even remember who the couples are (the only name I remember is Linda). And I must've slept through the fivesome (though the idea of Tuxedo Mark trying to five a five-way has a certain horrific fascination to it, what with his tendency towards recording the exact second something happens).

Rabid Badger wrote:

It's a sign of how boring the sex scenes were that I can even remember who the couples are (the only name I remember is Linda). And I must've slept through the fivesome (though the idea of Tuxedo Mark trying to five a five-way has a certain horrific fascination to it, what with his tendency towards recording the exact second something happens).

Well, the names are all listed for your convenience now on the TV Tropes page - it took me a good hour to go through the fic writing down every coupling and then wiki-ing/Googling the names to find out which Gundam series they came from. The fivesome was between *checks page* Emma, Relena, Matilda, Sayla and Fraw in *checks fic* Chapter 37:

Quote :

Emma pressed Relena against a wall in their bedroom and held her arms against the wall.
Emma kissed Relena passionately on the lips.
Relena opened her mouth. Emma used the opportunity to slip her tongue into Relena's mouth. Emma and Relena french-kissed.
After a moment of this, Emma released Relena's arms and placed her hands on the wall. Relena moved her arms around Emma and placed her hands on Emma's ass.
Matilda walked into the room. "Oh! I'm sorry!"
Emma broke the kiss, looked at Matilda, and smiled. "No worries."
"I'll leave you 2 alone."
Emma looked at Relena, smiled, and nodded at Matilda with her head.
Relena smiled. "Care to join us?"
"What?!" Matilda exclaimed, surprised.
"Why not?" Emma asked her.
Emma and Relena took off their clothes and let them fall to the floor.
Relena hugged Emma and kissed her passionately on the lips.
Matilda stared at them for a moment, then she closed the door.
Matilda took off her clothes and walked over to Emma and Relena.
Emma finished the kiss, faced Matilda, hugged her, and kissed Matilda on the lips.
Matilda hugged Emma.
Emma shoved her tongue into Matilda's mouth. Emma hugged Matilda. After a moment of this, Matilda frenched Emma.
Matilda ended the kiss. She turned to face Relena.
Matilda hugged Relena.
Relena shoved her tongue into Matilda's mouth. Relena hugged Matilda. After a moment of this, Matilda frenched Relena.
Matilda ended the kiss.
The door opened.
Sayla and Fraw walked into the room.
"Emma, may we borrow some toothpaste?" Sayla asked. "Oops!"
Emma, Relena, and Matilda looked at Sayla and Fraw.
"We're so sorry!" Fraw apologized.
"Yeah, we're sorry!" Sayla added.
Emma, Relena, and Matilda looked at each other. Smiles from each of them confirmed their agreement. They looked at Sayla and Fraw.
Emma smiled. "Don't be sorry, girls."
Relena smiled. "The more, the merrier."
Matilda smiled. "You interested?"
Sayla and Fraw looked at each other. They smiled.
Fraw kicked the door closed.
Sayla and Fraw took off their clothes and walked over to Emma, Relena, and Matilda.
Sayla and Fraw hugged each other. Sayla kissed Fraw passionately on her lips. Sayla frenched Fraw, then Fraw frenched Sayla. Fraw finished the kiss.
Sayla and Fraw faced Emma, Relena, and Matilda.
Emma, Relena, and Matilda each took turns frenching and being frenched by Sayla and Fraw.
Emma was confused. "Wow, there are 5 of us. What do we do?"
Sayla smiled. "5 is perfect for a fucross."
Matilda was confused. "What the fuck is a fucross?"
"It's a combination of 'fuck' and 'cross'. Essentially, 1 girl lies on her back, and the other 4 girls form a cross pattern - with the first girl as the center - and orally stimulate her."
Relena smiled. "That sounds like fun."
Fraw smiled. "We'll take turns, so each of us can taste each part of everyone else and be tasted by every girl in every place."
Emma smiled. "This'll take a while, but I'm not complaining."
Matilda smiled. "We should probably use the floor for this. There's more room."

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

(Incidentally, the word 'fucross', at least as used in this context, appears to be of Tuxedo Mark's own invention. Googling it does not throw up a million porn sites, even with search filtering off.)

How can someone combine giant robots with copious amounts of lesbian sex and still make the dullest fanfic on Earth?