So, looking at the Elfen Lied section of FF.net for bad fanfic, thinking in vain since things like Paedophillia, Guro, incest and may other tenets of badfiction are somewhat redundant since all that's all in the series. But sometimes, there's no substitute for good old self-inserts and Mary Suism.
Elfen Lied: Interruption, by cartoonpsycho888999, who self-inserst himself as a Canadian exchange student called "Richard". He claims to be bipolar, OCD and an insomniac in the AN, but this fic is so shit and full of self-serving arrogance and proclaimed internet saavy that I strongly suspect troll rather than a Chris-Chan like figure.
Incidentally, Lucy is Lucy (rather than Nyuu) in this. Now that's largely impossible in the anime since she only permanently resumes her Lucy persona in the second last episode and is forced to leave at the end, and my understanding is that she's killed at the end of the manga, making her presence even less likely. Can anyone confirm?
Anyway, let's start with that long-ass author's note I mentioned.
- Quote :
- This is actually a story I’m going to finish. I’m going to trash all my other stories and focus solely on this one. Why? I’m an egotistical prick. This is a self insert story, and as far as self insert stories go, I find the majority of them to be rather self-glorifying or having a tendency to present the author in an omnipotent light. Well, all ye who art jaded, this story is going to portray me as....well, me. It’s going to take into account all my mental and physical shortcomings, and most of all, it’s going to portray me in a rather unflattering and honest light- I actually DO have insomnia, OCD, Bipolar and general anxiety problems, and the characters will treat me accordingly, and I also actually do practice the talents I mention in the story. Also, read this well: I DO NOT ACTUALLY MINOR IN JAPANESE LINGUISTICS. IT’S JUST A CONVENIENT PLOT DEVICE .
tl;dr - "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And this strikes me as self-glorifying despite his criticism of other authors doing that. It screams "look at me!!! Look at my swings between dark basterdry and inane quirkiness!!! LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOOOVEEE MEEEEEEEE!!!!"
But the author's note doesn't end there:
- Quote :
- I have no idea where this is going to go, as I’m improvising the whole thing, ergo the plot might be a little muddy and ‘slice of life’ at first, but I’ll find a way to drive everyone into absurdist comic hell at the nearest possible chance.
Plot it (at least partly). Then write.
- Quote :
- Also, a little disclaimer: If you want to flame me, be aware that trolling a seasoned troll who is a second year minor in philosophy (currently digging metaphysics and nihilist philosophy-the latter is mostly self taught) and a specialist in psychology isn’t the smartest thing to do. I WILL tear you apart.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Anyway let's dive in:
- Quote :
- I arrived at Kamakura at about eight o’clock pm. It was a rather rainy night- the rain pissed me off to no end as I endlessly drummed my fingers in a rather neurotic fashion against the window.
Accursed rain. It falls on me, each drop insulting me and adding to my deep emotional pain! Anger! Angst!
- Quote :
- A kid right next to me was whining about purchasing Transformers. My fingers drummed even faster.
Grrrr... how dare that kid breathe oxygen. More anger!
- Quote :
- A trip as an exchange student to Japan might not have been such a good idea
Indeed. I'll just skim over the ridiculous improbability of Yuka and Kouta taking on an exchange student when they wouldn't want any attention drawn to the fact that they have Lucy and Nana in their house when they should be incarcerated in a government institution. [/canonspork]
- Quote :
- The plane ride took a little more than twenty hours in total, during which I simply played with my DS, listened to droning raw black metal, and occasionally gave annoying little children piercing glances.
ANGST!!!! METAL!!! DARK!!!
- Quote :
- My cellphone rang.
I picked it up with trembling hands and said in an unnecessarily harsh voice, ‘Hello?’
Grrrr... how dare you phone me! I'm ANGRY!!!
- Quote :
‘Oh hello, this is Yuka....you know, from Kaede house? ‘
‘Oh.’ I bit the inside of my mouth, drawing blood. Was there going to be some kind of delay? I clenched my fists and waited for the right opportunity to say something snarky.
SELF HARM!!! More angst and anger!
- Quote :
- ‘How charming.’ I said in a deadpan tone. I quickly corrected myself. It wouldn’t do me any good to get off on the wrong foot, ‘I mean, thank you.’ I said the last bit with a slight waver in my voice.
‘No problem!’ Yuka said in that maddeningly bright tone of hers, ‘We’ll look forward to meeting you at the airport!’
Yuka: *puts down phone* Jesus what an asshole.
Kouta: Was he really bad?
Yuka: Yeah, way worse than they said he'd be.
Kouta: Okay. Lucy, you can kill him. Tear him into really small pieces so we can throw the body in the trash. We'll say we never met him at the airport.
Lucy: Yay...
- Quote :
- ‘Sir, I’m afraid we’re going to have to get you to turn off your cell phone.’ The stewardess chirped, as if copying my copy of Yuka’s voice.
I closed my cell phone and glared at the stewardess with bloodshot eyes.
‘There. You’re happy bitch?’ I snapped.
She backed away a little and said in a self righteous tone, ‘Sir, there’s no need for that kind of language.’
Grrrr... how dare this contemptous hostess DARE to want to do her job without being insulted by some cuntish little prick like me. Self-righteous uppity whore!
- Quote :
- A girl of middling height and brown hair was waving to me. I guessed it was Yuka, judging from her hyperactive disposition. A guy of around my age was sombrely standing next to her, looking at nowhere in particular. He had matted black hair and a fashion sense that literally screamed unkempt otaku
Says Mr. Angsty Black Metal Fan.
- Quote :
- She was stunningly beautiful, but in my /b/ tard wisdom, I would not hit that, because she carried a murderous gleam in her eyes that said, ‘If you touch me, I will rip off your penis and stuff it in your ass.’ Her face was literally emotionless and unreadable, even to me.
I hope she does. Really. And yes, he said /b/ tard.
- Quote :
- Yuka was waving her arms like a teletubby on crack. I felt the immense need to throw something at her.
ANGER! DARKNESS!!! HATE!!!
- Quote :
- What a motley crew I had for a host family. I thought at the very least that it would be a normal family structure, but apparently there was some kind of strong surrogate dynamic going on with the group.
Because you're so fucking normal, aren't you.
- Quote :
- And with that, I found myself sitting in a cramped taxi smelling of expired lemon air freshener and misery heading for a destination half an hour away. The insomnia was causing me a great bout of constipation, and my face showed it.
I farted.
Lucy smirked in a rather disturbing way.
Something moved around in my colon and caused my long restrained bowels to let loose, causing a monster log of a shit to spew forth from my ass and onto ratty leather seats.
So, Lucy now uses her vectors to make people shit for the lulz? Okaaaaay.... Still, nice to see him getting comeuppance.
- Quote :
My face turned beet red. I could have sworn something was massaging my insides. Was it some kind of previously unknown parasite that acted like something with opposable thumbs grabbing your innards?
I stuttered and said in a basso voice I picked up from Jabba the Hutt, ‘Sorry.’
Yuka looked just as embarrassed as me, ‘We’ll-we’ll clean it up when we get there....’
Yuka: Yeah, definitely going to get Lucy to kill him. Tonight preferably.
Lucy: Yay...
So there's a stupid dinner where they talk about what everyone's studying. Minor canonsporks:
- Quote :
- I decided to take charge, ‘So, Yuka....what are you studying?’
‘Molecular Biology.’ She said with a hint of pride, ‘Kouta’s double majoring in Evolutionary Biology and Chemistry! Isn’t that right?’
Isn't Kouta not very bright and that's why he moved towns to go to stupid college?
- Quote :
- But enough about me, Lucy, what are you taking?’
Kouta suddenly cut into the conversation, ‘Yuka, can you pass the teriyaki chicken?’
Lucy kept on staring into my eyes. Her voice suddenly became rather frigid, ‘It’s none of your concern.’
I was quite taken aback. I spun my chopsticks around my thumbs again and again, ‘Ah. So, erm....okay....’
I diverted my attention to Nana, ‘What are you-
‘Let’s talk about something else, shall we?’ Yuka said rather strangely, ‘Mayu, tell him about your writing.’
Yes, if you want to hide the whole Diclonius thing, you might have been better off not taking on an exchange student [/canonspork]
Our hero discovers that Maya writes fanfiction and asks her has she ever been on 4-chan. Maya is 14/15.
- Quote :
- Kouta’s eyes suddenly brightened up from its previous feverish state, ‘Oh, you’re a b-tard too?’
‘Oh. My. God.’ I said in my best impression of a gay voice, ‘Give me fucking five.’ I leaned over the table and high fived him. His voice rose two pitches, ‘Nevar forget!’
Just let that mental image sink in.
- Quote :
- ‘I assume that you two are talking about that horrible board Kouta always frequents.’ Yuka said with a roll of her eyes, ‘The spin-offs of that board are quite disgusting....’
‘Yeah, like guro chan!’
A dead silence fell over the room. Nana’s face turned sheet white.
‘Erm. Nana’s a bit, erm....’ Kouta said in a wavering voice.
‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ I bit my cheek in embarrassment and made it bleed. ‘I didn’t realize-
‘Don’t worry about it.’ Nana said in a small voice, ‘The amputee stuff on there....’ The amputee section drifted off into a blur of incoherent mumblings. I knew it. My caffeine fuelled rant got me into trouble once again. I felt a burp coming on. I suppressed it.
LOL making jokes about Guro-chan in front of a quadruple amputee. Lolariously awkward.
- Quote :
- ‘I think it’s time we got ready for bed!’ Yuka said in her usual icebreaker tone, ‘Erm. Richard....you don’t mind sharing a room with Nana, do you? It’s the only room with a spare futon....’
Having your new, unstable guest share a room with what appears to be a young teen. Genius. That difficult to move Nana and Maya into the same room, Yuka? Or do you just want to see will he molest her and get his arms torn off?
- Quote :
- ‘So, uhh.....’ I scooted closer to her, ‘
"I have a packet of chewing gum in my pocket!"
- Quote :
- Can you tell me why Lucy’s so.....uptight about everything?’
Aw...
- Quote :
- Nana’s striking red eyes fluttered a little, ‘She’s quite the character. Once you get to know her, she’s okay though....let’s just say our relationship’s a little bit complicated....’
"I was about to break her legs, but I got distracted and she ripped my arms and legs off... but we laugh about it now!!!"
- Quote :
- ‘Aren’t you going to....take off those cat ears? ‘
Nana’s body seemed to visibly stiffen. She stopped humming.
‘Never mind then.’ I glared at the closet with killing intent and thought to myself, ‘What a fucking weird bunch of people....this is going to be long three months....’
LOL more silly awkwardness (they're part of her skull for those not familiar with Elfen Lied, btw). And again, you're so normal you couldn't judge someone with a nuclear powered judging device.
So, shitforbrains, because he can't sleep, goes for an early morning run, (barefoot so to wake him up), and discovers Lucy about to go on her own early morning run (where she probably kills a few people to keep the urges in check). It gets very dialogue heavy here.
- Quote :
- The ensuing torture was almost unbearable. The pink haired sociopath seemed to possess unlimited stamina and explosiveness, leaping and flipping over obstacles with no apparent effort. I gave up on my fourth flip over random garbage cans due to a stubbed toe. My lactic acid threshold was at its limit.
But he puts up with the pain for 15 minutes to try and show what hard shit he is.
- Quote :
- I laughed weakly, ‘Are you an ace runner or what?’
‘Not really.’ She stretched out her arms and rotated her neck, ‘I just do this for fun.’
‘Are you freaking serious? You’re a monster.’
Uh oh...
- Quote :
- WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY!?’ She grabbed me by the collar and shook me.
Kill! Kill! Come on, Lucy, kill!
- Quote :
- Lucy’s death grip on my sweat drenched t-shirt loosened after a few seconds. She muttered several calming mantras to herself before taking in several deep breaths and finally letting me go.
‘Just...don’t say that ever again.’ Lucy breathed, ‘I’m kind of....averse to that word....’
Aw....
Inevitably they start bonding, of course.
- Quote :
- To my utter surprise, she actually complimented me, ‘You know, your physical condition’s not too shabby for a human. Do you train a lot?’
‘You bet.’ I was grateful for a conversational opening, ‘I run almost every day.’
‘That’s good to hear. Running helps you take your mind off things.’
‘ I heartily concur.’
blah blah blah...
‘I know I was....rather rude to you at first.’ It seemed one of her good personalities was rearing its head.
‘It’s nothing.’ I said quickly.
‘No, I’m actually sorry.’ Her previously cold and homicidal eyes were completely changed.
A lot of boring dialogue to skip, where they identify with each others oddness and sociopathy. Lucy's stems from watching someone kill her puppy, being used for live experimentation, being shot in the head, and post-traumatic stress, Richard's stems from..?
They eventually move on to the subject of Kouta.
- Quote :
- ‘You really love him, don’t you?’
‘Damn straight.’
‘So I don’t really have a chance, do I?’
She suddenly blushed and stammered, ‘ Y-you’re actually attracted to me?’
Awww... he touched her cold heart.
- Quote :
- Author’s ending note: Well, there you have it, my monumental masturbatory manufacturing of a masterpiece of a manuscript. (See? I did some alliteration there. I should have majored in English!) No, but seriously, review this. I would like to see some feedback, as I am actually going to go serious with this story.
He says he's a seasoned troll (which I suspect means he made some thin skinned kid cry once) in the intro but wants proper concrit here? Whatever man.
Anyway, I'll regenerate and go at chapter two in the next couple of days. I briefly skimmed it and I reckon that's going to be even more awful.
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