A Very Ono Christmas! (NWS)

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I’ve made a fair bit of ruckus about its sequel, but from time to time I forget just how ridiculous the original Anal Justice was. For our Christmas special, we present a chapter excerpted from that illustrious volume. ¡Feliz navicock!

Zeiss Manifold: OKAY
Zeiss Manifold: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME GODDAMN CHRISTMAS CHEER
Zeiss Manifold: OF THE DONGULAR VARIETY
Delcat: DOES IT COME IN A GLASS?
Delcat: Will it come inside ribbons?
Delcat: Will it come inside tags?
Delcat: Will it come inside packages, boxes, and bags?
Zeiss Manifold: IT CAN COME INSIDE MANY THINGS
Zeiss Manifold: JUST WATCH

Quote :

Page 1

Zeiss Manifold: ~Vintage Ono~
Delcat: Awww how cute it's a lady in a Santa OH MY GOD
Zeiss Manifold: I think this is before his Hingedick Period, but it's still entrenched in the Cubular Balls era.
InkWeaver: NOOOOO SHE HE IT IS WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT
Delcat: Wait, why does she have balls? Wasn't the point of--no, not investing any more thought in this than I have to
Delcat: I want to make a "SIT ON MY LAP HURR HURR" joke, but I feel like it would be stooping to his level. And when you stoop to Ono's level, he shoves a dick in your mouth while you're down there.
InkWeaver: Alex, from beside me: "...does she have a penis? WHY DO YOU ENJOY LOOKING AT FEMALES WITH PENISES?"
InkWeaver: Me: "I DON'T ENJOY IT! ... I just find it hilarious."
Zeiss Manifold: Del, Alex, I can assure you that there's a perfectly good reason behind all of this.

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Page 2

Delcat: Oh God...the memories...coming back...like vomit rising in my throat just high enough to taste on my tongue.
InkWeaver: "Anal-mate" - where people go to talk about their anal cancer and feel better?
Zeiss Manifold: "Analmate" sounds best when prounounced with a thick Spanish accent, ideally followed by the sound of a whip cracking and a Spanish guitar sting.
Delcat: I think it's the generic brand of Caloriemate. GUESS WHAT IT TASTES LIKE.
Zeiss Manifold: ANALS?
Delcat: What? God, no! What's wrong with you? It's bubble gum flavored! What kind of sick bastard are you?
InkWeaver: EWWWWWWWWWW ZEISS GOSH GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE ONO GUTTER
Zeiss Manifold: Del, Inky...don't you know what "original flavor" is really supposed to be?
Delcat: ...I always did suspect. Especially that godawful cleaning foam they use at the dentist's when you're a kid.

Quote :

Page 3

Zeiss Manifold: Product placement? In MY hentai?
InkWeaver: I love the doll sitting in the corner with tits and a giant balloon-animal dick.
Delcat: Battle cards? Porn battle cards? Do I want to know how that works?
Delcat: I mean, I thought only eight-year-olds understood how battle card games worked to begin with. I don't like where this is going.
Zeiss Manifold: Middle of the first panel: Is that cereal? Anal cereal?
Delcat: I want to know what the poster in the top of the second panel is advertising, myself. I'm not sure if it's a dickgirl with an egg vibe control hanging out her ass or if she's got a jump rope stuck up there.
InkWeaver: Wouldn't anal cereal just look like a hole? So... APPLE JACKS?!
InkWeaver: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Delcat: Maybe a full set of venetian blinds? That would seem dangerous if she had cats around.
Zeiss Manifold: It looks like she's got some sort of taint probiscis.
Delcat: The really creepy part is that these places more or less do exist in Japan.
Zeiss Manifold: If the bottom right panel is genuine, then this place *does* exist in Japan
Delcat: And no, I couldn't find one when I went. Probably looking in the wrong places. I did accidentally buy shota manga, though.
InkWeaver: D: again I say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Zeiss Manifold: Oh wow, you'll have to tell that one at the next campfire.
Delcat: EVERYONE WAS OF AGE ON THE COVER I SWEAR
Delcat: trying to return it speaking in broken Japanese with my mother going WHAT DID YOU BUY
InkWeaver: "NOTHING MOM I DIDN'T KNOW OH GOD THE LITTLE BOYS UGH WHAT"
Delcat: the clerk all looking like I was the hundredth stupid tourist to buy one that day
Delcat: Seiran laughing and pointing ALWAYS WITH THE LAUGHING AND POINTING
Delcat: ugh sorry flashback. Where were we?
Zeiss Manifold: Trying to figure out the giant dong banner in that first panel, I think.
Zeiss Manifold: This whole page is just...wow.
Delcat: It's like the warning colors of a poisonous trouser snake.
Zeiss Manifold: And what's Vileplume doing there?
Delcat: She was harvested from his Pokemon manga CURSE YOU ZEISS
InkWeaver: NO VILEPLUME RUN
InkWeaver: YOU DON'T BELONG HERE
InkWeaver: THE HOLE IN THE TOP OF YOU WILL BE ILL-USED
Zeiss Manifold: I would say something about the Evangelion cameos, but I think those were actually mandatory for all manga published in the late nineties.
Delcat: CURSE YOU EVEN MORE, INKY OH GOD MY FAVORITE POKEMON WHYYYYYYYYY
Zeiss Manifold: And so, we close this page by inquiring what on Earth "Ass! Ass! Ass!" is about.

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Page 4

Zeiss Manifold: My bad, it's not a sex store, it's merely /m/.
Delcat: guys...do you feel heavy, Cheeto-scented breathing on your neck? OH GOD HARLEY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
InkWeaver: (Delly, this doesn't have any of the fici n it. I WANTED TO SEE THE DISTURBINGNESS)
Zeiss Manifold: Nah, it'd only be Harley-esque if there were two of them.
Delcat: (Doesn't it? I didn't really re-read it before I posted. Ask Reep for that Wayback Machine link.)
InkWeaver: (Nope, one rule)
Delcat: Okay, let's bite: Why the memory card and mousepad?
InkWeaver: Strangely, the lovely pictures of a dick resting on a vagoo above the comic are appropriate in this instance.
Zeiss Manifold: Uh…HYBRID DONG EXPERIMENTSSSSSS (Warning: Link not cat-safe)
Delcat: So you can dick and fic at the same time?
Delcat: AND THE DONGS RIP APART AS THEY DANCE HORRIBLY
InkWeaver: Guys, the memory card
Zeiss Manifold: You can dick and fic AND PRICK
InkWeaver: is for recording how long a person can go
InkWeaver: it keeps track
Delcat: Oh, like the counter on a Skip-It? That makes sense!
Delcat: HEY GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT?
InkWeaver: WHAT WHAT WHAT
Zeiss Manifold: WHAT AUNT DELLY WHAT
Delcat: THOSE ANALMATES EMPLOYEES SURE ARE GIANT ASSHATS
Zeiss Manifold: ...I would not be suprised at all if that was intentional. This is Ono we're dealing with here.
Delcat: I'm absolutely sure it's intentional. And it's probably fully functional.
Zeiss Manifold: Re: The memory card - I think it's one of those things where you plug it into the computer and it dances.
InkWeaver: dances in your anus?
Zeiss Manifold: And gives you access to seven educational games.
InkWeaver: Like Reader Rabbit? In your anus?
Delcat: WARIOWARE: SMOOTH STROKES
Delcat: ROLL ON THE CONDOM! 3 2 1
Zeiss Manifold: DICK, FUCK, IT'S ALL IN THE MIND
InkWeaver: IF YOU WANNA FUCK THIS, I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND!

TO BE CONTINUED

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Delcat: Battle cards? Porn battle cards? Do I want to know how that works?
Delcat: I mean, I thought only eight-year-olds understood how battle card games worked to begin with. I don't like where this is going.

*cough* [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] *cough*


Oh, Inky, the (NWS) link is here: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] but like I said in the other thread, it it only the first chapter.

Weren't the Chinpoco the spoof of Pokemon they had on South Park once? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

That's Right, The Gundam has a penis.

Yeah, couldn't even get past that monstrosity. Sorry guys but YIKES!

Also, Onos work in a nutshell.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Delcat: Battle cards? Porn battle cards? Do I want to know how that works?
Delcat: I mean, I thought only eight-year-olds understood how battle card games worked to begin with. I don't like where this is going.

*cough* [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] *cough*

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Reep, WHY IS THIS NOT ON WEBSITES YET.

Seriously, either you are snarking this or I am.

Salamas wrote:

Weren't the Chinpoco the spoof of Pokemon they had on South Park once? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

"Chinpoko" is Japanese for "penis", IIRC.

@Reep's link: FUCK FUCK THERE IS NO CAP FOR ANYTHING OF THAT MAGNITUDE

ETA: I can try though

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Delcat wrote:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Delcat: Battle cards? Porn battle cards? Do I want to know how that works?
Delcat: I mean, I thought only eight-year-olds understood how battle card games worked to begin with. I don't like where this is going.

*cough* [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] *cough*

Reep, WHY IS THIS NOT ON WEBSITES YET.

Seriously, either you are snarking this or I am.

Haha, I got the link from a Something Awful ALOD, so I guess I figured it was old news?

It is pretty great though, and ALOD is so brief and not as thorough as we are at all... I suppose it really must have to WGW treatment. I can whip something up maybe next monday, or you could do it if you really want to.

ETA:

Come to think, we could do a joint-snark. Maybe one person could write and intro and/or try to explain the rules, then you, I, and whoever else wants to could just comment on each card one by one they way you guys do pages of comic books. Does that sound like a good idea?

@Reep: Sounds like a fine idea.

Quote :

Page 5

Zeiss Manifold: Mina: Only sane woman in an otaku dong-crazed world.
Zeiss Manifold: She's right, who exactly would design that thing? The only reason I can see is - uh-oh.
Delcat: ZEISS, TELL ME THIS IS NOT A VIBRATOR COMPANY CROSSOVER. NOW.
Zeiss Manifold: APPARENTLY THIS IS A PREQUEL, SET IN THE TIME WHEN THE VIBRATOR COMPANY AND ONO WERE IN CAHOOTS
Delcat: I think that bent one in the first panel is meant to emulate Chris-chan's duck.
InkWeaver: Damn, that sounds like an awesome vibrator.
InkWeaver: ...I MEAN --
Zeiss Manifold: please tell me you meant that in the pejorative sense inky
Delcat: MOVING RIGHT ALONG

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Page 6

Zeiss Manifold: GROTTY
Zeiss Manifold: That's totally the new "lewd", people.
Delcat: It's certainly more accurate.
Delcat: Minna's tongue is freaking me out in the first panel. It looks like a totally solid, immovable object.
InkWeaver: That's a pretty awesome look on that shoplifter's face.
InkWeaver: Like, "the fug? AWAY!"
Zeiss Manifold: Ah yes, the ever-menacing shoplifting-triggered stroke.

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Page 7

Delcat: ACTION NINJA ASSHAT FORCE GO!
Zeiss Manifold: "Damn, the torture chamber is locked. Someone get Judy in the anal bead department!"
Delcat: You know, she was headed straight for the theft detector bars in the last page. She may just be too dumb to live.
InkWeaver: I'm surprised her tits aren't falling out. I love when people in anime wear those shirts that let the tits fall out the bottom.
InkWeaver: She's stealing a vibrator! She's dumb.
Zeiss Manifold: I mean, can't she just make her own?
Delcat: I dunno, vibes are pretty overpriced. Especially since she's like TWELVE and has an allowance of five bucks a week.
Zeiss Manifold: Hey Del, isn't that the cat thing from Azumangah Daioh on her bag?
Delcat: I made a vibrator out of coconuts once. Got the idea off the lost episodes of Gilligan's Island. Guess what the milk was for :D
Delcat: oh son of a fucking whore CHIYO-DADDY NOOOOOOOOOO
InkWeaver: ...I... No, Delcat. I will not guess.
Delcat: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT
Zeiss Manifold: TO MAKE YOU AWARE OF ONO'S METHODS
Zeiss Manifold: HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO FIGHT AGAINST ONO IF YOU ARE NOT AWARE OF HIS METHODS
Delcat: SHE VIOLATED CHIYO'S DADDY
Delcat: I NEED A HUG

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Page 8

Zeiss Manifold: She's the most bored-looking bondage victim I've ever seen.
InkWeaver: As this page started to load, i noticed the ads weren't explicit, then a giant ass and tits filled my screen.
Zeiss Manifold: "Oh yeah, a spanking, great. I EAT SPANKINGS FOR BREAKFAST YOU DUMB BITCH."
InkWeaver: "Are we done yet? I have some nipples to twist."
Delcat: Oddly, this is also the punishment for shoplifting at Wal-Mart in Florida.
Delcat: Her fishnets are on way too tight. Look at those arms. She's rocking the flabnets.
Delcat: wait what the fuck are those weird dots on the kid around her breasts does she have smallpox
Delcat: or should I say SMALLCOX??
Zeiss Manifold: Maybe it's just one of those things where her forearms split into chunks and spank the girl in rapid succession.
Delcat: One of...which things, exactly? Please, enlighten me. Because I think you just channeled David Lynch's Japanese doppelganger.
Zeiss Manifold: Looks more like an allergic reaction to latex to me. I SMELL A LAWSUIT.
Zeiss Manifold: You know how in every old robot show, the robots fists would detach, blow stuff up, and come back? I think it's kinda like that.
Delcat: That explanation does not heal the mental images, Zeiss.
Zeiss Manifold: FROM HER ARMS CHUNKS FLY, SCORING A ROCKET SPANK

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Page 9

Delcat: Oh no, she smacked her so hard she's...dripping egg white?
Delcat: Dude, just get one of those little strainer cups, separating the yolks should not be this hard.
Zeiss Manifold: That's a natural consequence of being transported to a featureless spank dimension.
Delcat: She looks kind of bored and distracted in the last panel. I feel her pain.
InkWeaver: She looks sort of like she threw up in her mouth a little.

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Page 10

Delcat: I like her bondage sock-hand. She looks like a Closer from Silent Hill 3.
Zeiss Manifold: SHE'S REACHED THE CHANDRASPANKAR LIMIT, HER VAG IS GOING SUPERNOVA
Delcat: PISSOVISION, FROM OUR URETHRAS TO YOU
InkWeaver: "I have to call your parents and tell them you tried to steal a vibrator. What's the big deal?'
Zeiss Manifold: awwwwwkwaaaaard
Delcat: The REALLY awkward part is that she shoplifted all that bondage gear, too.
Zeiss Manifold: "Not only did you steal, you stole a vibrator. Vibrators are not kosher, not kosher at all!"

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Page 11

Zeiss Manifold: They could afford the vibrators, but not a decent Fat Albert mask?
Delcat: Why does it have little booties? Why is it talking? Are these a vital part of the experience?
Delcat: Does Ono seriously sit around going, "You know what would make a horse better? IF IT WAS A BOYTAUR."
Zeiss Manifold: I think this thing is like Ono's bodyguard or something.
Zeiss Manifold: Nah, it doesn't have enough wristfeet.
Zeiss Manifold: You need like two pairs to qualify as a full-blown boytaur. Any less and you're a Boytyr.
Delcat: That makes it sound like a state-of-the-art luxury car, so I guess that works.
Delcat: Blondie is way too into it in the third panel.
InkWeaver: Oh god, is this going to be like the Christmas Shoes, only with a vibrator?
Zeiss Manifold: It looks like she's on a run on the bodyguard herself.
Delcat: "Sir, I wanna buy this dong for my sister, please..."
InkWeaver: "It's Christmas Eve, and it's JUST her SIZE..."
Delcat: I don't know what religion states that you have to have a dildo with you when you die, but it does sound like one that Ono would be a devout follower of.
InkWeaver: And i know this vibe will make her smile
InkWeaver: And I want her to look satisfiiiied
InkWeaver: When Sister meets Ono toooniiiiiiight
Delcat: guys I think I'm about to yark up Christmas cheer all over Ono's stockings
Delcat: Although Christmas Shoes generally does that to me regardless of horrifying sexual content, so

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Page 12

Delcat: Good God, what kind of hospital allows their patients to use a vibrator?
Delcat: I know we're in Crazy Dickgirl Japan, but come ON
InkWeaver: If I were in hospital, I think the last thing that would make me laugh is watching my sister pleasure herself with a vibrator that looks like a giant fighting mech.
Zeiss Manifold: That's how so many people end in the hospital in the first place.
Delcat: This also raises disturbing questions about what Ono's Santa is like. I'm just picturing this huge bara guy with eight tiny bondage slaves pulling his sleigh.
InkWeaver: You think you're getting a normal vibrator from a neat place in japan, and then BAM
InkWeaver: it's firing missiles into your rectum.
Zeiss Manifold: "Every single missle hit the prostate! AAAARGH"
Delcat: And instead of leaving out milk and cookies, you have to leave out Astroglide and chocolate syrup.
Delcat: And naughty v. nice is judged on how often you masturbate.
Zeiss Manifold: But which way does it swing?
Delcat: ~He knows when you've been wanking, he knows when you're erect...
InkWeaver: "Mommy, why is Santa touching his no-no places?"
InkWeaver: I SAWWWW MOMMY JACKING SANTA OFF
Delcat: ~I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus' Christmas tree
Delcat: Actually, that song was always pretty objectionable in my mind but dear God
Delcat: I'm going to be blocking off my chimney this year
Zeiss Manifold: ~Look, there's no dongs! Something is wrong! Carrying vibes, Ono arrives!
Zeiss Manifold: ~Dildos to shag, there in his bag! Futas at play, pulling his sleigh!
InkWeaver: ~I want a giant dildo for Chri~istmas
Delcat: ~We need a little buttplug
Right this very minute
Orgies on the stairwells
Shagging on the spinnet
Delcat: guys we could potentially do this all night
Zeiss Manifold: i think we will
Delcat: THANK YOU FOLKS, WE'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, TRY THE K-Y

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Page 13

InkWeaver: 2nd Panel: What we're thinking every time we read an Ono comic.
Delcat: *laughtrack, freeze frame, credits*
Zeiss Manifold: Anal Justice is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Delcat: Why did they wait until she was however old as she is now to do it, anyway?
Delcat: And why do it at Christmas?
Delcat: I FEEL LIKE THIS PLOT IS A LITTLE FORCED SOMEHOW
InkWeaver: Not that, you know, it's any stranger than Ariake.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh, you can never be to old to be circumsized in Onoland.
Delcat: Panel 3: Blondie and I have the exact same looks on our faces, it's uncanny
Zeiss Manifold: Wait...I thought Ono loved the penis? Doesn't circumsision count as defacement of the penis, and therefore open blasphemy, in his religion?
Delcat: Maybe in Onoland, the foreskin regenerates into a new dick, like when you cut an earthworm in half.

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Page 14

Delcat: YAAAAAY I LIKE THIS MANGA NOW
Zeiss Manifold: "IT'S A GIANT DILDO SHAPED LIKE A ROCK"
Delcat: ZEISS ZEISS DID THEY GET HER A PUPPY AND A GAME BOY AND A STUFFED AARDVARK?
InkWeaver: OOOH SANTA CLAUS WHAT DOES HE HAVE FOR ME IN HIS SPECIAL BAG
Delcat: OH HOW DELIGHTFUL THIS IS

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Page 15

Delcat: aaaand I hate everything again
Zeiss Manifold: EXCITING
Delcat: Man, that dick like doubles in size between panels.
Delcat: Or else her head shrinks, which might actually be preferable.
Zeiss Manifold: That tends to happen a lot in Onoworld. I think they just use a stunt cock.
Delcat: A stunt cock apparently owned by Marty McFly. Check out the fade on the head.
Zeiss Manifold: So judging by the costume, this whole "Chinpoko W" business is about a group of foppish Frenchmen that pilot dong robots. Sounds good to me.
Zeiss Manifold: SADLY, THE GIRL NEVER LEARNED HOW TO GIVE HANDJOBS, ONLY FLIPPERJOBS
Delcat: Maybe that's why they're circumcizing her, is to use the foreskin to create new fingers?
Zeiss Manifold: Or maybe due to the rubberband shortage.

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Page 16

Zeiss Manifold: SOMEONE'S THROWING EGGNOG CURDS AT US
InkWeaver: "I'm dreaming...of a whiiiiite christmass"
InkWeaver: you know, somehow, I don't think you can make snowballs out of that.
InkWeaver: Imagine, if you will, a snowball fight with splooge.
Delcat: Fun fact: I actually considered using this page in that presentation I did in Ethics about porn and censorship, as my loli example. I chickened out in the end.
InkWeaver: LOL
InkWeaver: That's okay, lots of people chicken out in the face of... ONO
Zeiss Manifold: You totally should have, btw. Even if the rest of the class looked on in disgust, I'd be there in spirit going ONO YAY
Delcat: Gawd, I skidded on some black ice yesterday and ended up in the ditch with all four wheels stuck in jizz. Took ages to shovel it out enough to drive out again.
Zeiss Manifold: Now I really want that wreath.
Delcat: I want that wreath, but with an erect raptor dick, like those wall hangings from Bad Products.
Zeiss Manifold: I think the real question is whether it sings if you press the button.
InkWeaver: I want no part of that wreath, OR your erect raptor dick! D:<
Delcat: Nope, just vibrates.

EPILOGUE

Delcat: Well, guys, I think that's it. Before we go outside and make a jizzman, I...I prepared a little something for each of you. This one's for you, Inky, and this one's for you, Zeiss.
Zeiss Manifold: *shakes box* Ooh, what is it?
Delcat: IT'S MY PENIS :D
Delcat: AND MY OTHER PENIS FOR YOU, ZEISS
Delcat: MEEEERRY DICKMAS!
Zeiss Manifold: IT'S DEL'S DICK IN A BOX
InkWeaver: EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY A DICK IN A BOX
Zeiss Manifold: Now guys, do you have any Christmas messages you'd like to give the folks at home?
InkWeaver: WGW, if you throw jizz at me, I'll never ever talk to you again.
Delcat: Happy holidays, everyone, and don't forget to be safe--drive carefully when the weather is bad, and always use a condom!
Zeiss Manifold: And always be protective of your eggnog.

You know, for a minute there, when the girl announced they were having her sister circumcised, I had a total disconnect and was wondering "How in the hell do you circumcise a 12-year-old girl?" Then I remembered this was Ono we were talking about, and it made perfect sense.

Ilu guys. Merry Christmas. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

Delcat: ~I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus' Christmas tree
Delcat: Actually, that song was always pretty objectionable in my mind but dear God

It gets worse.

Delcat wrote:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Delcat: Battle cards? Porn battle cards? Do I want to know how that works?
Delcat: I mean, I thought only eight-year-olds understood how battle card games worked to begin with. I don't like where this is going.

*cough* [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] *cough*

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Reep, WHY IS THIS NOT ON WEBSITES YET.

Seriously, either you are snarking this or I am.

That's actually kind of cool. I'm not a furry, but hell, I'd play it (if I had the first clue how to play battle-card games)

Quote :

That's actually kind of cool. I'm not a furry, but hell, I'd play it (if I had the first clue how to play battle-card games)

I don't have any reaction faces available but I'm staring so blank faced at my laptop right now.

Mafiosa wrote:

Quote :

That's actually kind of cool. I'm not a furry, but hell, I'd play it (if I had the first clue how to play battle-card games)

I don't have any reaction faces available but I'm staring so blank faced at my laptop right now.

Um yeah, same here. o.o

All I can think is 'These must've been the Deluxe Edition 'Special' cards they kept hidden under the counter.

DarthDarthington wrote:

That's actually kind of cool. I'm not a furry, but hell, I'd play it (if I had the first clue how to play battle-card games)

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Seriously, dude.

What.