Hello, fellow cockroaches of the Internet! This is Malganis and I'm here to bring you a special double-sporking by yours truly and my good friend, Unskilled78.
This fic belongs in Golden Oldies, as it may or may not be new to you, but it is certain not new to many sporkers around the Internet. Zeedrippyvessel's fanfics were sporked years ago on Deleterius and Orange GAFF, and this fic definitely deserves a place here, on WGW's roll of badfic 'classics'.
May I proudly present... my and Unskilled's sporking of "Use Me Once".
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- Disclaimer: I'm not Tolkien, I don't pretend to be the Great one, I didn't sell this, yada yada yada.
Unskilled: Really? I could barely tell...
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- Warnings: Het sex, character assassination (I don't kill him, he just... well, feel sorry for Faramir!)
Malganis: Oh, I do, believe me...
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- The woman stood close to the top of the White City looking out into a smoke filled horizon, fires from Mordor still smoldering months after the end.
Unskilled: Run-on, and probably incorrect, because of the Ephel Dúath moutain range between the two.
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- She was settling. She knew she was settling.
Unskilled: Just like Mexico City...
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- She wanted Aragorn, but his heart belonged to another. An Elf. She wanted to hate her, but couldn't. The Elves were beautiful and many a mortal had tried to capture the heart of one, but they were elusive.
Malganis: Elves preferred to keep their hearts in their chests. So they could live.
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- However, Aragorn was no mere mortal and Eowyn didn't blame the she-Elf for falling in love with the ranger. The she-Elf had reached him first and Eowyn stepped back with her heart before she had made too big of an idiot out of herself.
Unskilled: Why is Elf capitalized?
Malganis:*rips out Pod!Eowyn's heart before she can escape*
Unskilled, she's obviously a horny Nazgul in disguise who somehow escaped the destruction of the One Ring for the purposes of getting some Elf-booty. Only that could explain the use of the highly offensive and derogatory term, "she-Elf".
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- he has all of his teeth and they are white, she thought to herself
Unskilled: That is unlikely, given the time period Middle Earth is equated with.
Malganis: Now, now, Unskilled, Middle-earth heros always have good teeth! But Elves have
perfect teeth, because they are
perfect. Why, Leggsy here has beauteous pearls of alabaster in his jaws that Eowyn will just love to make rattle with the
perfectest Elf-gasm ever....
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- Faramir was impotent.
....
She would die a virgin. Untouched. Loved, cherished, but untouched. With no children to keep her company.
Unskilled: The Shield maiden of Rohan would be unlikely to care, even if it was the common lament of a spinster.
Malganis: Oh, I think she'd care, but I doubt she'd be as passive as this idiotic Pod!Eowyn is. I mean,
this Eowyn is just sitting back here and weeping and flailing over Faramir's little problem. It's not like she says, "Hey, use your hand, buddy", or does anything halfway
INTELLIGENT to help her man, you know? Because Eowyn actually being proactive, smart, do-it-yourself Eowyn wouldn't help the Legolas-fucking show get on the road, now would it?
Actually, I think a very interesting story could be written about Faramir going impotent from psychological issues, and Eowyn has to cope with it, and we'd see how the Healers in Middle-earth might actually diagnose or attempt to treat a condition like this (think: medieval health-care, just slightly better thanks to some Elven/Numenorean know-how).
However,
this story, is so not
that story.
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- So blinded by Aragorn, she had not paid much attention to the quiet Elf. And she realized, he was beautiful. Tall, slender, and graceful he exuded a regal composure that she wanted to get to know.
He also smelled good.
Unskilled: Ax-Dark Ages edition.
Malganis: Legolas is a perpetual teenage boy, then? Makes about as much sense as anything else, here.
Unskilled: Legolas and Eowyn flirt all through the wedding, and Eowyn asks Legolas to take her to her quarters. At this point, I am obligated to make a reference to Hot Coffee.
She starts crying, which Legolas has never experinced before.
Malganis: Whut?
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- the scent of flowers hung in the summer air.
Unskilled: at least the author got this right. Arwen & Aragorn were married on June 22, 3019 of the 3rd Age.
Malganis: Actually, those flowery scents are Legolas' farts. What, you thought his shit smelled like shit? Perish the thought. HE'S PERRRRFECT.
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- "Tonight, Arwen and Aragorn consummate their love and I know I will die untouched and unused. I will dry up and I don't want to pass this world without knowing the touch of a lover."
Malganis: So, what? Faramir is totally shit as a lover just because his dick can't get hard for you at just the drop of a hat? WTF? Ever heard of COMMUNICATION? As in, COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU WANT FROM THE OTHER PERSON?
And how the hell do you KNOW you will "die untouched and unused"? Frickin' attention whore drama queen.
You selfish, spineless, STUPID bitch.
No way is this Eowyn.
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- Legolas pulled back from her and looked at her tear stained face. "Eowyn! You are engaged to Faramir! You will marry in a year and he will give you many years of pleasure and many children. You will be well loved and have a full, happy life."
Malganis: FIGHT THE BADFIC BITCH, LEGOLAS!
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- "Legolas! Faramir is unmanned." She spit it out without thinking. She continued on without taking a breath.
Malganis: That is a really stupid expression.
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- "Something happened when he passed through the flames of the funeral pyre.
Malganis: *Creepy whispery child's voice*: "They came through the blackness..." /
300 reference
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- We kiss and rub each other, yet his manhood does not stir and I am left bereft and frustrated.
Unskilled: Jeez, even I had heard of dildos.
Malganis: And I'm sure Middle-earth has heard of them, too. The phallus ain't too hard an object to imitate, after all.
Also, fingers? Lips? Tongue? Does Faramir not have control of these parts as well?
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- Legolas had been taught well by his father.
Unskilled: Ah, that classic tale....it stirs up memories best left forgotten.
Malganis: I wish I could forget Zee's horrible writing.
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- He gently plundered her mouth's delights
Unskilled: She woke up the next morning to find herself missing her teeth and tongue.
Malganis: Legolas is like a horror villain? I like the sound of that....
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- She reached up and slowly drug her fingers down his chest.
Malganis: Shouldn't that be dragged?
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- The feel of her cool hands on his nipples nearly unmanned him. Her body burned with anticipation.
Malganis: Wait, what? All throughout this shitfest, the author has been bouncing back and forth like a Mexican jumping bean from her POV to Lego-boy's POV and back again. How do we know that her hands nearly 'unmanned' Legolas but also that her 'body burned with anticipation'? Are these characters both mind readers, so that they can so intimately sense each other's physical sensations and feelings? After all, Eowyn is incredibly clueless about how her own damn body works.
Also, I love this:
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- The feel of her cool hands on his nipples nearly unmanned him.
As compared with:
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- "Legolas! Faramir is unmanned."
So, is Eowyn totally ruining these guys' erections, or what? I don't blame them, she's a huge bitch here.
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- His fingers brushed against the side of a pert nipple and she strained to fit herself into his hand.
Malganis: Because her nipple was so damn huge.
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- His fingers slid through the deep folds of her hidden pearl.
Malganis: ...in her bearded clam?
She's a veritable seafood buffet table, ain't she?
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- She opened her legs again, trusting him with her soul.
Malganis: Does the soul regularly leave the body through the vag?
PLUG IT UP, PLUG IT UP!
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- His fingers swiftly flicked over her swollen clitoris and moved down to the hot core of her desire.
Malganis: It's a porno version of
The Core!
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- She was wet beyond reason and he slowly inserted one finger.
Malganis: What, is she putting out more moisture than the average water-fall?
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- He expected her to be tight, but not this tight.
Malganis: And so she promptly broke his finger.
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- "Open for me, lirimaer."
Unskilled: Apparently, that word is an onomonapeia for the sound a chicken makes when it sits on a nest.
Malganis: OPEN SESAME! *hears echoes down Pod!Eowyn's cavernous cunt*
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- He shook his head. "I would not wish to do anything you would regret, my lady." And with that, he took the top of each leg where it met her body in each hand and spread them.
Unskilled: Possibly IC turns to OoC.
Malganis: That, and it sounds so complicated a maneuver thanks to the awkward description that I'm surprised Captain Obvious here doesn't need a manual or something.
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- With his thumbs, he spread her wet woman's mouth open to his view, exposing her sweetness and did to her clitoris, what he had done to her nipple.
Malganis: "woman's mouth"....
Woman's MouthWOMAN'S MOUTHAlso, if your vagina is sweet, go see a doctor. No, on second thought, Eowyn, just die, dammit. You and your damned sweet woman's mouth.
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- She bucked, banging her pubic bone against his brow and he saw stars fly around his eyes.
Unskilled: Oww.
Malganis: Legolas was KO'd and landed face-first in her genitals, where he suffocated on her skanky skunk stank.
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- His mouth returned to its work at her nubbin and she reached her climax, legs locked around his head, his nose in her damp curls.
Unskilled: Nubbin. :hrm:
Malganis: Pencil eraser. *rubs the nubbin on a piece of paper to remove pencil lead*
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- She floated gently back to earth and he took her into his arms.
Unskilled: It's Superman!
Malganis: Hey, Legolas, do us all a favor and take her into space so that she suffocates, please? Be a Superdick, just this once, man. C'mon.
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- "You have not found release." she whispered.
"I will not seek it. I do not wish to take advantage of you and cause you grief tomorrow morning."
Unskilled: That seems....logical.
Malganis: Oh, he's totally gonna just go wank after this.
LEGOLAS: "Okay, my fair sweet Eowyn, you have found release! Or, your clit. Whichever. Now..." *turns dramatically* "I must... go."
EOWYN: *with heaving bosom and flushed cheeks* "NO, LEGOLAS, DON'T GO! YOU NEED RELEASING! FROM YOUR.... PANTS!"
LEGOLAS: *with a Single Tear
running down his face* "No... I must go."
(Minutes later we see Legolas in his bedroom, hunched over a copy of 'legolas by laura', weeping hysterically with his pants around his ankles)LEGOLAS: *with one hand moving frantically up and down while he snogs his other hand, its fingers cupped like lips* "I
WILL BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, LAURA! DON'T EVER... LEAVE MEEE!!!" *sobs and rams his tongue into his hand, drooling everywhere*
Unskilled: So, in return for his cunnilingus, she fellates him. I think the way I put it is sexier than the way this author does.
Malganis: Anything would be sexier, really.
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- She nibbled on the ridge of his cock...
Unskilled: OUCH! being bit on the penis, even if it's by an ant, HURTS A Lot!
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- If I take you and he recovers, how will you explain away your maidenhead?"
Eowyn's tears slid down her face. "What if he doesn't recover, Legolas? What then? I am a Shield Maiden of Rohan. I ride horses. Use me once."
Unskilled: After pondering that sentance, I interpreted it as she will blame a horney horsey, or the friction of riding for the destruction of her hymen. Yea, that could have been much clearer, but I suspect the author was thinking with his mini-head by this point.
Malganis: Her mini-mini-head, actually.
Unskilled: So, they spontaneously climax, by him licking her, than sliding in just as she starts to go....I think...
Somebody else would question the possability of that happening, but I have no experince with sex to draw from.
Malganis: Meh, it's porn!fic. Expect the ridiculous and urple.
Unskilled: He's gone the next morning, but left a lock of hair and a lily, and she is bloodstained.
A year later, they go to Gondor, and she has a blond, pointy-ear babe, which she will lie and say was the child of another, who died and gave a shield maiden of Rohan the baby to care for.
Yeah, I got nothing.
Malganis: Because starting a marriage off with a lie is a GOOD THING!
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