New to the motherfucking Moon

Yes it is nearly half past two in the morning, yes I am still quite drunk and yes I have just got back home from the midnight showing of New Moon in town, an experience improved by getting pissed up before hand. I was there to review it for the University paper. Do not judge.

To be fair I can't really give a full review because we only stayed long enough to see Bella faceplant off a cliff. After that the film might have suddenly become a genre defining epic with beautiful cinematography and breathtaking dialogue.

Before that it was not. Bella tells poor Charlie to fuck off for having the temerity for getting her a birthday present on her fucking birthday and proceeds much as you would expect from there. Jasper makes rape-eyes at Bella; Sexward objects to this by frowning and not looking directly at anyone. Bella has terrifying night orgasms once Edward has left her and gets a happy when she sits on a motorbike because his pale brooding face appears before her when she does anything a good clean Mormon might see as 'reckless'. Also the werewolves are just kind of indescribable and need to be seen to be believed. The trailers really don't do them justice, although it is true that none of them have any body hair at all. Apart from when they work their wolf mojo. Bella is whore with Jacob, natch. Michael Sheen of Frost/Nixon fame has found his way in there somehow. I actually blurted out 'But you're a serious actor!' and was hushed.

High point of the film for me was Bella and Edward summing up the entire Twilight Saga in one brief exchange of dialogue thus:
Bella: I'm coming!
Edward: I don't want you to come!

I 'd when I saw Michael Sheen in a screenshot from the movie as well, because I think of him as Tony Blair from The Queen. Although if Tony Blair was a member of a vampiric royal clique, it might explain a few things...

Just say the movie was full of awkward areas. Yeah...

Keith Fraser wrote:

I 'd when I saw Michael Sheen in a screenshot from the movie as well, because I think of him as Tony Blair from The Queen. Although if Tony Blair was a member of a vampiric royal clique, it might explain a few things...

Nope, I'm fairly sure I've seen pictures of him in the sunlight, with not even a hint of glitter about his person.

Fitchsticks wrote:

Also the werewolves are just kind of indescribable and need to be seen to be believed. The trailers really don't do them justice, although it is true that none of them have any body hair at all. Apart from when they work their wolf mojo.

I... what? o_O How does that even work?

Quote :

High point of the film for me was Bella and Edward summing up the entire Twilight Saga in one brief exchange of dialogue thus:
Bella: I'm coming!
Edward: I don't want you to come!

...So sigging this.

My first sig, I feel so proud!
Honestly though, it was a kind of hellish experience. At least Twilight provided some lulz. There are precious few in New Moon to get you through it. I felt sorry for Jacob though. As soon as Edward leaves she starts throwing herself at him and then gets angry whenever he tries to make a move.

Also the audience wouldn't shut up. The went 'WOOOOOOO!' when the bbfc classification came up, as if to say 'I love it when films are rated 12A! Woooooo! David Cooke, that guy is so awesome!'*


*this joke only applicable to residents of the UK.

The cheering was probably for the first appearance of the title. I remember people doing that the first time I saw The Fellowship of the Ring (in New Zealand, no less).

If I end up watching it, I'm going to provide my lulz by yelling out "Team Cedric" whenever Edward comes on screen.

Raine wrote:

If I end up watching it, I'm going to provide my lulz by yelling out "Team Cedric" whenever Edward comes on screen.

Or even 'Potter Stinks!' although that might be too confusing for the little fans.

There's a commercial of sorts announcing the movie in these parts... it's hard to describe how it feels to watch it.
It features a girl and her mother, and the mother is like "In the beginning, I was afraid to let her go see them movie, because vampires and shit, and then she got me to read the books they're so beautiful that is true love sniff"
Seeing a mother in her forties almost giggle and squee at Twilight is kinda disheartening.

Fun things to shout out during New Moon:

"Hey, where the fuck is Megatron!?!"

"Worst gay furry porn ever!"

"Screw the rules, I HAVE GLITTERY SKIN!"

"Hey, that's not Megan Fox!"

As hilarious as it was, watching the first movie among a shitload of Twihards, I think I'll wait for the Rifftrax this time.

Ugh...this is what 2/3 of the students at the school I work for ditched Friday to see.

My shop recently got in a load of Twilight merchandise including his 'n' hers ring sets in a bronze finish which are pretty tacky, I tried to find images to show you but they're not showing up on Google.
Instead I found these ones which are even worse, they say Lion and Lamb. I can't believe any girl worth her salt would want to be labeled a "lamb" but then maybe Twilight girls aren't worth their salt. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Lady Anne wrote:

Ugh...this is what 2/3 of the students at the school I work for ditched Friday to see.

So...all the girls, and the boyfriends of the ones who have them? (And any gay boys.) Bloody hell. Isn't that against the rules, or did they all just say "screw the rules, we're sparklepires/Twihards!" as suggested above?

Someone on another message board mentioned she was going to see "New Moon".

I responded with "You have my condelences." [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Just seen on livejournal.

Quote :

Have you seen New Moon? If so, how do you think it compared to the book? Was it better or worse than Twilight? Please, no spoilers!

View 666 Answers

Well, I thought it was amusing anyway.

Keith Fraser wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

Ugh...this is what 2/3 of the students at the school I work for ditched Friday to see.

So...all the girls, and the boyfriends of the ones who have them? (And any gay boys.) Bloody hell. Isn't that against the rules, or did they all just say "screw the rules, we're sparklepires/Twihards!" as suggested above?

I don't see what exactly gay guys would get out of it, except possibly shirtless werewolves.

Miss Prince wrote:

I don't see what anybody would get out of it, except possibly shirtless werewolves.

Edited for ya.

Miss Prince wrote:

I don't see what exactly gay guys would get out of it, except possibly shirtless werewolves.

I had the impression there were quite a lot of shirtless werewolf scenes, like a teen version of one of Vladimir Putin's Siberian holiday videos. (Edit: Putin should do a video where he shoots teen werewolves, and maybe blows up sparklepires with a rocket launcher. All while shirtless and riding a horse.)

Keith Fraser wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

Ugh...this is what 2/3 of the students at the school I work for ditched Friday to see.

So...all the girls, and the boyfriends of the ones who have them? (And any gay boys.) Bloody hell. Isn't that against the rules, or did they all just say "screw the rules, we're sparklepires/Twihards!" as suggested above?

Pretty much. Some of the girls actually asked the principal for permission to miss school so they could see New Moon. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

"The world won't end if you have to wait until Saturday, you dumb little twerp."

That's what I'd say if I were their principal. Well, except maybe the "dumb little twerp" part (but I'd be thinking it)

Penguin wrote:

Keith Fraser wrote:

Miss Prince wrote:

I don't see what exactly gay guys would get out of it, except possibly shirtless werewolves.

I had the impression there were quite a lot of shirtless werewolf scenes, like a teen version of one of Vladimir Putin's Siberian holiday videos. (Edit: Putin should do a video where he shoots teen werewolves with an AKM, and maybe blows up sparklepires with a rocket launcher RPG-7. All while shirtless and riding a horse and pounding vodka.)

Bahahaha! Yeah there is a lot of shirtless werewolf-ing around. In fact they all wear clothes until they discovered their werewolf powers, at which point they have to get a crew cut, wax their chests and flounce about in the rain looking very buff and intense. It's like the law when you're a werewolf to have homoerotic underovertones.

Bum Reviews New Moon - Possibly the best review I've seen of this movie to date... though it's kinda the only review I've seen so far...