Esnovelotoris Amateuris: How to raise Snarfs for fun and profit. A Thundercat's fic...NWS

Esnovelotoris Amateuris by Abraxas

I actually found this gem several years ago while working at a secretarial job. I nearly got fired for reading it and it was lost to the wastes of cyberspace until I went a searching for it today. And what a gem it is!

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Prepared By:
The Council for Law and Government (CLG), By Order Of CONTROL & The 15th Tribunal of the USLO

Copyright C3F8D
The CLG Press
“dedicated to making our laws understandable”

coming soon: The Illustrated Snovelor

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Now, before you ask what the hell this is about; this fine fic is a guide to breeding and raising Snarfs.

You read right. Snarfs. As in the lovable but ultimately full of fail dog thingy from Thundercats. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

The first chapter is the table of contents and the entire fic is put together like a matter-of-fact manual. It's just awesome that way.

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In the beginning, snoveling was a practice preformed only by those dedicated to the love
or admiration of the art and not by those inclined on gain or profit.

Then came the Snarf-Mills and we got a plague of toothless bat-shit Snarfs on our hands! Which, incidentally is where the Thundercats picked up their two rejects from.

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Is the amateur needed?

The answer, of course, is YES. Amateurs are needed now more than ever. For it is the
amateur who raises the prestigious stock and holds the roots of the longest lines of continuous
snarf breeds. It is the amateur who cultivates the best characteristics of the breed and weeds out
the traits less desirable to the species. It is the amateur who carries on his back the burden of
providing for his local community when the professional supplies are few in number and great in
cost.

I wonder if this is anything like the Fancy breeds of Hippogriffs with their neon colors and fluffy but useless tails?

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This work is part of the USLO’s aim to standardize the practices of snoveling the galaxy
over, so that the same level of quality can be reproduced from place to place. It is my hope, as it
is that of my colleagues at the CLG, that this guide sheds light on this very ancient and very
important practice. It is our pleasure to be helpful.

Dr. Niles Erwin
Chair of the CLG

Me thinks that someone likes to watch Snarves breeding a mite too much.

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Bitch -- the female snarf.

Buck -- vulgar for the male snarf, the male snarf will be referred to as ‘snarf’.

Youngling -- a sexually immature snarf.

Glad we got those complicated terms out of the way.

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The Bitch Hut -- the bitch hut is the primary structure in a snovel and as its name implies
it is where the bitches are housed in cages. Also, it is where the act of natural breeding takes
place.



The Black Box -- the black box is the officially recognized form of snarf euthanasia and
is the most important part of the snovel. (Seriously. This turns out to be a box with a huge blender in it to make the Snarves into gooey chop-seuey.)



Cross breeding with other snovels must be videotaped. Semen collection and the
necessary statistical data associated with AI must also be recorded.

Suspicion: Confirmed

Then the manual goes into how to set up the field, and how breeding Snarves go ape-shit in cages.

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Notes on Black Boxes

The black box is the proper way to dispose of dead or dying snarves. In the days before
automation, snovelors would have to build black boxes from scratch or hire an expert to do so.



For the first-time snovelor models A or B should be used. Both work the same way,
much like a blender or juicer.

So I guess no one is drinking the smoothies served at your party, huh?

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Notes on Language

It cannot be stressed enough the importance of keeping snarves from speaking or
mimicking the language ability of higher life forms. Snarves that have been trained to talk, either
by accident or malicious intent, raise in the snovelor and others the erroneous notion that they are
sentient, self-aware and thinking beings. It has always been the policy of CONTROL and the
USLO that they -- language-enabled specimens -- should be put to the black box.

Good thing that CONTROL has not visited Third Earth yet. I would love to have seen that episode. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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NOTE: if by chance a snarf is spoken to while still a youngling, the proper method of
memory cleansing is a full-body beating that culminated with the release of blood. Snarves have
hardened bodies so a simple beating alone will not suffice. The bloodletting, however, will
engrain in memory an association between ‘talking’ and ‘pain.’

I already know people who associate talking with pain. Their called Emo. Perchance would the Black Box be punishment or reward? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Bitches come into heat once a month according to a well-established thirty-one day cycle.
The week of ovulation is indicated by noticeable mood changes characterized by: loss or
gain of appetite, harshness and irritability, late-night or pre-morning yowls or both and sudden
and unsanitary fascination with their excrement. They tend to smear their bodies with their feces
or fling it to other bitches or to the snovelor.

I already feel the burgeoning urge to buy a bitch and watch it smear poo all over my neighbor's yard. (Seriously, it would be an improvement.)

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Twenty-four hours to ovulation the bitches will cleanse their lower intestines with
repeated and violent bowel movements. Generally they remove as much as one-tenth of their
total body mass. And as soon as the last of it is excreted breeding is set to begin.

Nothing sets the mood like Explosive Diarrhea! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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In Nature, these would have been the sings that advertise to males their need
to mate. Once estrus culminates in ovulation, the urge to couple becomes almost unquenchable
-- bitches that pass such a period without mating do well from manual stimulation of their sex
organs or the insertion of a heated catheter into their vaginal canals. The simulation, even if
preformed only once, is enough to satiate their appetites.

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Male Snarves

In the older literature, male snarves are referred to as ‘bucks’ or ‘buckers.’ It traces back
to the days when snarves were naturally reproducing creatures but its exact origins are unknown.

So, I suppose Buckaroo is out of the question? Ok then.

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Normally, penises are pea-sized masses of deep-red flesh that are hidden under special
folds of skin called ‘hookers.’

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Snovelors must examine the erections, their
sizes, textures and conditions. If there are wrinkles, slime, flakes, sores or odors medical
attention maybe required.

Yep...I so wanna do this now. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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The snarf -- that must be isolated from the bitch at least an hour prior to mating -- is
brought into the breeding chamber on a leash. Upon seeing the restrained bitch and depending
on age, erection will be near instantaneous. It is important for the snovelor to have a good grip
on the leash for once aroused it is the natural tendency of the inexperienced snarf to rush to the
bitch and forcibly penetrate it. A well-trained snarf, however, will be eager to approach but only
so far as there is slack on the leash.

The same goes for husbands apparently... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Younglings are born one at a time. Only when the last of the litter has emerged can the
common placenta and embryonic sack be safely extruded. [CONTROL recommends extruding
the excess birthing materials with a hook no longer than a foot long.]

I can almost hear Cyberwulf wake up with a snort at the mention of 'hook'.

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The snovelor must be careful not to show too much attention to one particular individual
or to any group of snarves lest the hierarchy kills the ‘favorites.’

Wait, wait? Is this a breeding manual or a fic about Snarf in high school?

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Natural Breeding Statistics

In general, if A is the total number of litter that survives into sexual maturity and B is the
total number of litter birthed, then:

p = A/B
where p represents a ratio. If p falls to 0.85 the bitch can be euthanized or taken out of
the breeding process.

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In general, if A is the total number of successful mates, B is the total number of couplings
divided by the total number of mates, C is the total number of successful litter divided by the total
number of mates and D is the total number of produced litter that reaches sexual maturity, then:

p = CD/AB

where p represents a ration. If p is 0.5 or greater then the snarf can be euthanized or
taken out of the breeding process. If p is 0.1 then the snarf is a good candidate for AI and
crossbreeding with other snovels.

Too much math for Snarf porn!!!

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Notes on Over Population

If A is the snovel land area in square feet, R the optimal rate of fifty snarves per square
feet and P the actual number of snarves in the snovel, then:

P' = P - A/R

where P’ is the number of snarves to be euthanized.

If Q is the number of youngling bitches, then:

P'' = Q(PR/A - 1)

where P’’ is the number of youngling bitches to be euthanized.

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Thus endeth Part One.

Join me again when we will discuss Artificial Insemination, The Prop-Bitch and Manual Stimulation!

Somewhere a 13 year old girl is bouncing up and down about how she was all SCIENTIFICAL AND STUFF!!11!! while she furiously jills off.

LOL this reminds me of something...

Reading this, I suddenly get a (somewhat deranged, I admit) mental image of Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall, showing how to prepare "Free Range, Organic Snarf", as opposed to the mass produced battery farm version, for the table...

Mythandariel wrote:

I actually found this gem several years ago while working at a secretarial job. I nearly got fired for reading it

After I read this sentence I couldn't bring myself to read the fic itself. That must have been the worst conversation in the world and so unbelievably humiliating.

Narwhal wrote:

Mythandariel wrote:

I actually found this gem several years ago while working at a secretarial job. I nearly got fired for reading it

After I read this sentence I couldn't bring myself to read the fic itself. That must have been the worst conversation in the world and so unbelievably humiliating.

I was kept on for the lulz. Seriously...my boss, who happened to own the company, was laughing so hard at it that he had to go home. Nothing else came of it and no one else said anything. I came in the next Monday and found that I was still employed. So...go me.