Love in the Time of Koopa Pox: Harley's Choice

The summary wrote:

Anybody can inflict pain, but the strongest are the ones that can take it and still get back up.

Spoken in the true spirit of WGW. Here we have a romantic hurt/comfort fic (is there any other kind? :lolinsane:) that is a veritable sea of pain, a tedious pile of angst utilizing the greatly untapped potential for character development found in the Mario franchise.

As some of you here may remember, it was this fic upon which Harley once heaped much praise back on Orange GAFF; she even described it as "proof that Bowser doesn't need to fuck Peach blind to make a good fic" (and shame on you lowlife curs for thinking this was yet another plotless pornographic romp!). I am sure this fic moved Harley to tears as it has done for me, albeit for entirely different reasons.

Without further ado:
Cyndi's Not A Monster

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Quick note: This story felt so Beauty and the Beast that I put an exchange of words from the original fairy tale into the dialogue. See if you can catch it.

Highlighters at the ready, folks! We're in for a bumpy ride.

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"Hmph!" Peach glanced at the spiked green shell of her captor. Her golden hair blew about her shoulders. She squinted her baby blue eyes against the cold wind blasting her pretty face and bare arms. The white gloves she usually wore were still folded neatly on her dresser, and she felt naked without them. Feeling naked only increased her annoyance at being kidnapped while dressing down for the night.

Which thus begins the humiliation segment of Peach and Bowser's BDSM rapestravaganz... uh.

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She felt fortunate that her kidnapper let her put her dress back on before grabbing her!

...so the fic takes the high road this time. And you said Harley didn't have taste!

So after repeatedly capturing the princess, Bowser uses his years' worth of gloating experience to attempt once again to woo the fair maiden:

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"…and the best part is all but my youngest are off making trouble, so I have you all to myself. This is gonna be AWESOME!"

And Bowser once again demonstrates his unparalleled wit.

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Bowser grinned at her and his flaming hair rippled in the breeze. "Mario's off on vacation and out of contact. I know, and it's all because my spies were waiting to give me a call on my brand new Koopa phone," he indicated the shell-shaped cell phone tucked under the Clown Car's control stick,

Speaking of wit, I suppose this is what one may call a...
SHELL PHONE?







...moving on.

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Bowser's laughter rang in Peach's ears. She turned her head away in utter defiance, not wanting him to see that the tears forming in her eyes weren't just from the wind. Bowser was a monster. A selfish, unfeeling bastard of a monster! She had no idea what he had planned for her. He never actually hurt her, though on occasion he tried to force a wedding.

He also rear-ended Peach at least three times in their last go-kart race, the bastard.

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The Koopa Clown Car stopped dead in the air.

PHYSICS!

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Bowser's phone screeched an obnoxious heavy metal song. It had ring tones, too?

My money's on this song for his ring tone:


But as Bowser answers his state-of-the-art shell cell phone, he receives grim news from his Koopa subjects.

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The Koopa king's silence scared her. "Bowser, what's wrong?"

"Junior's sick."

"I figured that much. Why is it such a big deal? Kids get sick all the--"

"It's Koopa pox," said Bowser.

In a harsh world where any Koopa's life can be cut short by hammers, flowers, fireballs, dinosaurs, and plumbers, the greatest threat of all is the deadly disease known... as Koopa pox.

Symptoms include:

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"I had eight brothers. We all got it. I'm the only one that lived." He glanced at her, "Does that tell you anything about how deadly it is?"

Deadliness with a side order of death.

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Flip's face fell. "It's not good, Sire. His airway collapsed and I intubated him just before you arrived. I've done my best to stabilize his heart rate and maintain his oxygen levels--"

"Is he gonna live or die?"

The small Koopa troopa flinched. "…I don't know. If we don't lose his heart rate we can keep him going until the swelling in his airway goes down. I know you're well aware the severe cases can cause fatal airway swelling and heart arrhythmias if someone isn't right there to defibrillate. We're on top of his heart rate, we'll know if something goes wrong."

Swollen air passageways and heart problems.

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Bowser peered across the bed, "His fever's bad."

Peach touched Junior's arm. It felt like ice! "He's cold!"

"Koopa fevers are cold, not hot."

"Oh."

And fevers. Cold fevers. Fevers that are cold.

And so Bowser delivers the princess to his palace, where a flock of Medikoopas attend to poor Junior. As the lad struggles valiantly against his troublesome ailment, his villainous father appears to be more distressed than his damsel and wears his strife on his sleeve. Peach is rightly confused as one who is more accustomed to whatever characterization Bowser had in previous game incarnations. Perhaps this display of the brute's softer side will sway the princess into seeing Bowser in another light?

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Peach left the grand dining hall and wandered out into the main corridor. Being a conceited creature, Bowser had paintings of himself lining the walls. She gazed at them in the flickering torchlight. He looked fierce in each and every picture. A few paintings had him fighting while displaying a rather shocking part of his anatomy. Well, it would be a shame if he was big everywhere except there. Oh, dear, why am I even pondering this?

Peach is, of course, unaware that Bowser frequents the /r/ board for Rule 34.

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Eventually, Peach found herself in the doorway of the medical area. Bowser sat on the floor by the bed, reading a children's book to Junior. The cover showed a Piranha plant and the title said Peter Piranha.

"…so Peter Piranha grew into the biggest plant, and he ate up all the wimpy leaves that made fun of him." Bowser closed the book and tossed it backwards over his shoulder. "The end!" The book crashed to the floor.

Okay, sarcasm aside, this part is actually kind of cute and vaguely in-character. Maybe this will make the princess see Bowser in yet another different light?

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"Junior…" Bowser's snout turned red and his eyes got puffy. As the shouting continued, none of it good, he grimaced and sank to his knees with both hands pressed to his mouth. Thinking he was going to throw up, Peach looked around for a bucket or bowl. Then she noticed the wet trails on his cheeks. His shoulders started to shake and whimpering sounds came from his throat.

Bowser, the great, arrogant Koopa king, was crying. Not just a little teary-eyed--he was sobbing and rocking back and forth on his haunches. He instantly ceased to be a tyrant and transformed into a desperate, frightened father in danger of losing his littlest child. Anybody could see that he was suffering.

If monsters don't feel…then…Bowser, you're not a monster!

Yes! At last, an epiphany!

With some more angst and Junior having making a slow journey back to wellness after a brief heart attack, Bowser starts puttin' on some moves:

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Bowser blew on his closed fist and held it up to Peach's face. He lifted his thumb and a thornless red rose suddenly bloomed from between his fingers. "This's my love for you. It'll never die."

He said it with such honesty. A statement he knew was true.

Blushing, Peach took the rose and smelled its sweet aroma. She tucked it into her hair and smiled, "Aw, how sweet! Thank you, Bowser." Her own words made her mind do a wipe-rewind. Sweet? Bowser? Well…he IS being really nice…usually he's so rude! I wonder if he could change.

So, blah blah blah, Peach helps take care of Junior, Bowser acts all sweet and fatherly, and OH WAIT IS THAT A LINE FROM THE ORIGINAL FAIRY TALE I SPY?

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"Just what I need, a plumber up my ass." Bowser grumbled. "Be right back. Gotta take a crap." He staggered into the small bathroom and shut the door.

Why, I do believe it is! The literary references in this fanfic continue to astound me.

HOWEVER. If Bowser is the Beast and Peach is the Beauty, what does that make Mario?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Mamma mia!

Sadly, there is no fairy tale ending for our star-crossed lovers. Bowser lets Peach go without a fight out of Koopa honor, and Mario heroically slings his princess over his shoulder until she's back in another castle. This leaves us with a bittersweet ending:

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Peach kept Bowser's rose on her windowsill. No vase, no water. Just the rose. She saw it first thing in the morning and it was the last thing she looked at before falling asleep.

It was red. Red like his hair. Red like his eyes. Red like his face when he cried for his son. Red like the one perfect kiss they shared in the moonlight. Red like the fire that made him so strong.

And it never died.

TALE AS OLD AS TIME
WRONG AS OLD AS RHYME
BOWSER AND THE PEEEEEEAAAAACH

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I love that song!

Seriously, I was here for the reading and it still cracks me up how OOC Bowser is.

Mae.

MAE.

I fucking love you, Mae.

I lol'd so goddamn loud at Bowser and the PEEEEEEEEEEEEEACH and narwhal's shoop. Good goddamn I love you people.

Mae, you totally made my day. I was loling so hard by the end. :D

YOU FORGOT THE PISSY SHEETS

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He sniffed, "I remember when I got the pox…I was your age. I had to be on a machine like you are now, but they had to cut a hole in my throat because they couldn't get the tube in my mouth. Everybody thought I was gonna die, even me. And back then they didn't know you only got it once, so they didn't even let my parents come in and sit with me. I got so lonely that I'd pee all over my sheets on purpose just so the nurses would pay attention to me. Heh, heh, heh, don't get any ideas, though. Nurses get mad when you do that, even the pretty ones. They got so tired of cleaning me up that they stuck a diaper on my ass. Talk about embarrassing. Kids get beat up for that kind of stuff."

AND SPEAKING OF PLUMBERS:

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The toilet flushed and made the tell-tale gurgling sound of a hopelessly clogged drain. Bowser threw the door open and walked out with a satisfied smirk on his snout. "Sucks to be whoever has to go in there next. I dropped a fat one that clogged the damn toilet!"

LOVELY

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"In the moonlight I felt your heart
Quiver like a bowstring's pulse
In the moon's pure light, you looked at me
Nobody knows your heart…"--Princess Mononoke theme

Mario hesitates, well-hidden in the bushes. On the riverbank, Peach kneels by the enormous Koopa, lips pressed to its gaping wound. She sucks the pox out and spits them into the river one by one, then stands, mouth rimmed with blood, and gazes in Mario's direction. A fireball quivers on the end of his hand as he loses his nerve to shoot.
p.s. I love you Mae

I...actually liked this. Well, found it tolerable at least. I knew it was OOC going in, but the idea intrigued me and I feel so ashamed! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

oh dear god i remember this

i should have saved my snark on this from the House

I'M CUCKOO FOR KOOPA POX

CUCKOO FOR KOOPA POX

Delcat wrote:

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"In the moonlight I felt your heart
Quiver like a bowstring's pulse
In the moon's pure light, you looked at me
Nobody knows your heart…"--Princess Mononoke theme

Mario hesitates, well-hidden in the bushes. On the riverbank, Peach kneels by the enormous Koopa, lips pressed to its gaping wound. She sucks the pox out and spits them into the river one by one, then stands, mouth rimmed with blood, and gazes in Mario's direction. A fireball quivers on the end of his hand as he loses his nerve to shoot.
p.s. I love you Mae

*Imagines the feeling and the taste of sucking out the pus from the pockets of infection*

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Fuck you very much for that.

Aw man, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that D: I was kind of picturing the pox as, like, those spike balls that the little big-lipped dudes throw in Super Mario Bros. 3. 'Cause it's funnier that way.

man usually I gross people out on purpose I'm off my game today

Oh yes - I remember this, and the Harleywank it started. A story that proves that "Bowser doesn't need to rape Peach blind to make a good story", or something like that, wasn't it?

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"In the moonlight I felt your heart
Quiver like a bowstring's pulse
In the moon's pure light, you looked at me
Nobody knows your heart…"--Princess Mononoke theme

Oooh, nice - Princess Mononoke! So when are the giant boars going to burst out of the forest and go from RAAAAAGE to compost in thirty seconds? That was awesome.
No, wait, I've read this fic before. I should know better.

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Bowser grinned at her and his flaming hair rippled in the breeze.

Yes, but did it ripple evilly?

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"Mario's off on vacation and out of contact. I know, and it's all
because my spies were waiting to give me a call on my brand new Koopa
phone,"

"The brand new Koopa phone - for all your communication-needs! Buy now and get the first three months free of charge!"

Sorry, I was blindsided by SUDDEN INFODUMP YAY. Let me just get that out of the way and we'll move on.

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Bowser was a monster. A selfish, unfeeling bastard of a monster! She
had no idea what he had planned for her. He never actually hurt her,
though on occasion he tried to force a wedding. And the way he'd look
at her…it scared her that his russet eyes could meet hers in love, then
look into Mario's with complete hatred. Maybe that was just the light.
Monsters didn't feel.

.... I love how she goes from "Bowser = MONSTER!" to "Oh, but he never hurt her" in the span of a single sentence.

It makes perfect sense how Peach would wax poetical about her lifelong enemy's "russet eyes" (this here is one of them "romance stories", which means average colours like brown, blue and and plain ol' yellow need not apply - you need to be at least sparkling or golden to get in the door) and then switch right back to BOWSER = MONSTER, again in the span of a single sentence. Character development? Who needs it!

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"Huh?" Bowser glanced over as if just remembering her presence. She
repeated herself. He blinked, "No. Only Koopas get it, and they're
immune afterward. Kinda like your chicken pox…but…"

"But?"

His face lost all expression.

"Sillier," he said, in a scary voice, and then chucked her in prison for being too nosy.

...No? I can hope, can't I?

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Peach took a small step back. Monsters don't feel, she reminded herself.

"I had eight brothers. We all got it. I'm the only one that lived." He glanced at her, "Does that tell you anything about how deadly it is?"

"By the way, don't trip over those boxes labelled [Wangsty Backstory: Some Assembly Required] - they won't let me take it back to the store if I smash the boxes."

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Bowser peered across the bed, "His fever's bad."

Peach touched Junior's arm. It felt like ice! "He's cold!"

"Koopa fevers are cold, not hot."

"But how - "

"The power of science, now shut up! Important wangsting is taking place!"

And then follows page upon page of Sudden Medical Drama followed by Oh By The Way BACKSTORY which somehow ends with Peach feeling all cuddly on the inside when she thinks about Bowser. And then, just when you think you're safe, out rolls this:

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"Oh, yeah. You can pop my shell off my back if you pull it just the
right way. It's only on there by suction, you know. It's pretty funny
that Mario hasn't kicked it off yet. You've gotta get your fingers
under the right spot or it won't come off. You could push and pull all
day and it won't budge. Come over and try. I dare you."

"Oh yeah, Princess - come touch my shell!" *eyebrow wiggle*

There's... a lot of things wrong with this fic, but none of them are of the brain-bleaching variety. It's just... dull. Cracky pairing, yes, but so boring at the same time. I mean, look at the riveting dialogue:

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"Mornin'," his voice sounded husky, heavy from sleep, "how's Junior?"

"The same."

"Mmkay."

The leaps of logic in Peach's brain are weird, yes, but that's about all.

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He didn't do anything to her against her will--aside from the
kidnappings and attempted weddings, of course. But he never once tried
to physically force himself on her.

"I mean, he kidnapped me and attempted to force me into marrying him so he could lock me up in his castle, but at least he never tried to RAPE me, you know? I'm sure that makes him a good guy."

I guess that the one thing it does get a lot of plus points for is that there is no Koopa-sex, and Peach and Bowser don't end up together at the end. But that's it - it's not extremely offensive, but how Harley could recommend it as an Antidote is just weird.

I've officially been away from these boards too long. XD I'm playing Super Mario RPG and I'm at the "rescue Peach from Booster" arc, I dunno what that says about the timing of me finding this.

Man, though, this is sure a classic. You know how some authors cop out of actual medical research via Soap Opera disease? This girl takes the opposite approach by adding too MUCH detail. I almost want to suspect her of having a fetish, but I also know she's an Ill Girl so I guess it's sort of cathartic for her to write about this stuff? I dunno, either way this kind of medical melodrama doesn't belong in a damn "Mario" fic. D:

OH OH and I almost forgot this little gem:

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"Women always fix the best food when you get sick. Better listen to her."

Gee, I always thought mothers and grandmothers fixed the best food when kids were sick. But no, apparently all women do, even the ones who don't actually know how to cook!