Here's a fic by Akinaria, an author who I sporked a year ago on Deleterius. Akinaria ended up getting pissy at me for sporking her crap, and took everything down in a huff off of her adultfanfiction.net account. I thought I'd lost her fics forever, until I found two of her atrocious stories still out there...
Here's one called "The Bargain" one in which Snape becomes...
A MOMMY. No, seriously, THAT IS WHAT HE IS CALLED.
Anyhow, the setting: War's over. Snape is sad. Dumbles is dead. Waaah.
- Quote :
- Now, standing before the White Tomb, Severus had even less understanding of it all
That is, why he had to be in horrible slash mpreg fics.
- Quote :
- He had torn the Dark Mark from his arm, in a fashion.
He used a razor blade while he was CRAAAAAWLING IN HIS SKIIIIIIIN.
- Quote :
- When Harry had finally conquered Voldemort, it had been Severus that had trapped and destroyed that seemingly omnipotent soul.
*Ghostbusters theme song plays*
- Quote :
- He didn’t know when he had fallen to his knees before the tomb and for this moment he was less concerned about his image that ever. It was unlikely that he would be seen, in the dark depths of the night.
Well, except by the would-be poser Goths and FluffyBunny!Wiccans, off to their Dark Midnight Revels
, where they will be Naked Under the All-Seeing Eye of the Moon
.
- Quote :
- School was not something that was currently on the agenda of the wizarding world, it would be soon but for the moment the wizarding families were snuggled in their homes counting their live blessings and mourning their dead. But if there had been anyone to see him, he wouldn’t have cared
that his black mascara was running down his corpse-painted face. Or that his black lipstick was all smudgy. Or that his nails needed a fresh coating of black paint. Or that his My Chemical Romance t-shirt needed to be washed.
- Quote :
- He tried to refuse the tears,
"No, tears, go away! I don't want to cry today!"
- Quote :
- but as sob-free as he remained, the saltine droplets slid down his cheeks unchecked. He had kept the barriers up for so long, hidden himself behind his defences to the point where he wasn’t even sure himself about who he really was.
*sobWAAAH*
- Quote :
- The bitterness and anger that ate him up when there were no more actions to direct himself into had almost convinced him that that was who and what he was – a cold, calculated manipulator destined to outlive those whom he manipulated.
Sorry, Snape -- you're only a cold, calculated manipulator destined to DIE BY SNAKE in the last book.
- Quote :
- But that wasn’t remotely true, he had always been the on who was being manipulated,
*Snape's weedy little fists clench feebly as he SOBS*
- Quote :
- he had always been the one trying to maintain an air of dignity and control in a life where he had no control and no choices either.
*Snape SOBS and cuts himself to Evanescence*
- Quote :
- With freedom came choices and making those choices necessitated bringing down some of the barriers. To make a choice he had to have a preference.
Cake, or death?
- Quote :
- There was no power to be sought, but power hadn’t been his craving since he was a teenager.
So learning all that Dark magic crap was just for the lulz, then?
- Quote :
- So his choices were about what he wanted. Emotions. Breaking free of his shell to properly feel again.
SNAPE: (voice quavering) "how can you see into my eyes like open doors/leading you down into my core/where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold...until you find it there and lead it back hooooome..."
- Quote :
- It was unusual and difficult and did not feel remotely good, but that was a choice too – to go through this or decay in bitterness.
Why don't you just go decay in dirt? That spares everyone the smell of your rotting body.
- Quote :
- He leant forward and stuck his trowel deep into the earth at the base of the tomb. Smoothing it over with his bare and soiled palms, he checked that no-one would be able to tell that he had filled a herb pouch and desecrated Dumbledore’s resting place.
For the lulz, of course.
Snip snip. Snape goes to a library to look at
restricted texts Mpreg pr0n:
- Quote :
- Diagon and Knockturn Alley were even more uncharacteristically quiet than usual. .... The shop that Severus was headed for would not be closed though. His intimate knowledge of the persons proprieting down this predictably shady street informed him that this particular shopkeeper would make profit from anything – Severus wouldn’t put it past him to return as a ghost and sell tickets to his own funeral.
That last sentence is the closest this asswipe excuse for a fic gets to the actual HP novels, so I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.
- Quote :
- He was not disappointed. Utilis Fungor
Oh, and that name is pretty good, too. Other than that, this fic has all the merit of a phelm-filled wad of soggy tissue, except that it's almost 30% funnier.
- Quote :
- slithered over the counter, his eyes immediately penetrating to Severus’ core.
What?! How presumptuous! At least take Snape out to dinner and a movie first!
- Quote :
- He laughed, although it sounded more like a fat muggle wheezing asthmatically through mucus-ridden lungs.
Wizards never get mucus, except when it is used to self-lubricate their own assholes.
- Quote :
- Severus didn’t move, he didn’t even need to speak – Utilis sloughed around his shelves gathering ingredients into a small wooden crate. After an interminable period he slid the crate onto the counter and raised lice-infested eyebrows to indicate that Severus should check the contents. Severus checked, nodded and waited as the legilimatic creature chewed on his yellowing tongue – apparently an important aid to addition. He rung up a figure on the till and Severus paid the extremely extortionate quantity of galleons to the shopkeeper who charged – not by item value – but by silence value. Utilis mentally read your shopping list but he also read “why”.
Why? For MPREG, of course!
Second chapter begins and the real horror of the fic unfolds!
- Quote :
- Breaking into the empty silent Hogwarts was nowhere near as difficult as the Ministry of Magic might have supposed. They left the restoration of the school and it’s re-opening to its temporary headmistress, but they took on defence of the vacant property themselves. Therefore, although the wards were almost as strong as they were when Dumbledore was there – there were many things about Hogwarts that they were not to know.
Like all the gay centaur orgies and Hippogriff bestiality porn.
Snip snip. Snape does some crap that he read out of a "Wicca for Teens" book and saw on
Charmed once.
- Quote :
- Sweeping back the furniture with a flick of his wand, Severus poured a precise circle of salt onto the floor around him and after removing his robes he sat cross-legged and naked on the floor. This was not his forte,
lounge-lizard singing was,
- Quote :
- but it was dark enough for him to excel at it. This would succeed.
O RLY? I'll let the next few paragraphs be the judge of that.
- Quote :
- He took up the silver athame from the selection of objects which he had laid out before him. There was a brief rush of air from behind, forcing him to check over his shoulder. There was nothing there; he assumed that the elements were making themselves known in his working.
Don't worry, the elements were just tryin' to goose your bare ass, Snape.
- Quote :
- This was new to him; he may have worked with the dead but he had never raised them himself before.
Attention to anyone who knows Latin: Please let me know if these are bullshit. Thank you.
- Quote :
- “Incidere per vicis” (Cut through time)
Steam filled the room
“Tutis phasmatis” (Secure the spirit)
“EGO dedi meus vitualamen” (I offer my sacrifice)
The steam receded and blood seeped from his chest from beneath the phoenix feather. He heard an indrawn breath and assuming it was his own, he tried to control his breathing better.
“Meus vita pro suus vita” (my life for his life)
Severus felt his body become frozen, Petrificus Totalis unspoken – yet also unfalling, he remained upright and capable of speech.
“Restituo mage” (restore the mage)
Now the real bullshit starts.
- Quote :
- He sucked in his breath as one of the symbols he had invoked rose up and became Goddess – naked, present and solid before his eyes. He briefly and inappropriately thanked the other Gods that he was gay or the meeting might have been more than a little embarrassing. She was astonishingly beautiful.
Harry Potter fanon paganism, I see. *headdesks*
- Quote :
- “For fuck’s sake, has there not been enough death already?”
Aradia, White Goddess, supreme female amongst all Pagan gods, purest symbol of magic swore at Severus, put her hands on her naked hips and frowned at him. He was more than bemused; this was not at all what he had expected.
"But... but I wanted to die and be out of this fic! Noooo!"
- Quote :
- In the (hopefully not) unlikely event that this succeeded, Severus had expected to have his life swiftly taken in exchange for Dumbledore’s resurrection. That is what all the texts stated, that was the sacrifice demanded of him. Well, technically it didn’t have to be his life, but that was what he was most comfortable with. Now, here was the supreme Goddess, naked, defiant and arguing with him. He was completely non-plussed.
...
When she spoke again, her voice was surprisingly soft.
“There has been enough death.” Her statements held no room for disagreement; it was not an opinion, merely a fact.
“There has been enough loss. Not merely of life, but also of opportunities. It is not the time for more loss, even if it is offered in trade. It is time for life to breath again, to breed again. This ritual demands an offering of life and that cannot be changed, but I do not accept your life as forfeit for this action.”
Severus would have moved, would have grabbed hold of the deity and shaken her, explained how his life was worth nothing, how Dumbledore’s was worth anything – but he couldn’t. She had taken speech from him too for the moment and he could do nothing but sit frozen and listen.
Awesome! I wish I could make bad fanfic authors do the same!
- Quote :
- “I demand a life,” she stated simply. “But the balance between living and dead is already out of kilter and I cannot take another life from this world, not even in replacement of another. My price is this; you will bear life. I will make it possible for this to occur. You will conceive a child, bear it to term and birth it. You will raise the child in the light; it will be a beacon by which others set the store of their behaviour. This child will not be taken from you, will not be given away and will never be subject to the darkness which you have endured, it will be loved. Conceive this child and I will fulfil my obligation to this ritual. Do you accept?”
Severus felt the magical restraints around him relax. He never even thought about the proposition before answering.
“Yes”
NOOOOOOO!
Anyhoo, Snape is understandably freaked out by all this:
- Quote :
- He did not permit himself a single “Why me?” as he sprinted across the grass. Instead, he was just screaming wordlessly in horror. He wanted to outrun the situation he now found himself in. He had been completely prepared to die for Dumbledore, had been expecting it for years, almost felt that it was required of him – but this? He didn’t know what to think or feel or do?
He especially didn't know that that sentence shouldn't be ended with a question mark! Oh, wait, that's the author.
- Quote :
- How was he supposed to do this?
With your self-lubricating ass, Snape.
- Quote :
- “SEVERUS! WAIT!”
If it was possible to freeze whilst still running, that is what Severus did then. Who the fuck..........
"What the fuck", indeed. And the punctuation abuse deserves another round of "What the fuck", too.
Snip snip. It's Remus!
- Quote :
- Severus released him and sat back on his haunches as Lupin rubbed his neck and gained a more upright position himself.
This is either a really awkward wrestling match or a really awkward prelude to a really awkward sex scene.
No, actually, it's the really awkward prelude to an even more awkward Snape-I-love-you scene, just so we can get the good ol' Mpreg ball rollin'.
Snip snip. Remus confesses that he saw the whole dark-ritual thing (and nearly busted a gut trying not to laugh).
- Quote :
- Severus didn’t respond. Remus saw him try to curl a sneer.
No, no, you gotta crimp it.
- Quote :
- Watched as his eyebrows tried to rise in contempt and fell again, failing. Severus was wrung out, emotionally flailing and totally lost in circumstances of his own forging.
Aw, just let him cry and wank over Lily, and he'll be fine and ready to be stabbed in the neck by the fangs of a giant serpent in no time.
- Quote :
- Remus leant forward and brushed his damp hair from his face – when did it start raining?
When that black (BLACK LIKE SNAPE'S SOUL!11!!) angst-cloud started hovering over both your heads so that it could dump down the distilled salty tears and wank of a thousand gothic Snape-fangirls.
- Quote :
- “Are you really going to do this?” Remus asked at last.
"Crap a baby out your ass, I mean."
- Quote :
- Severus met his eyes again and tried to speak, it was becoming increasingly difficult to function, but he would be damned if he would let Lupin see that.
“What else am I supposed to do?"
Remus cradled Severus’ face in one hand and wrapped the other around his shoulder, pulling him into what he hoped was a consoling embrace.
...
“What have I to live for? My death would do more good than my life, but I can’t even get that right. Anyway, who would care?” Remus thought he could see the moonlight reflecting off tears on Severus’ cheeks. One thing he never questioned was what the moonlight showed him.
Everyone looks better in moonlight, anyway. It's the werewolf equivalent of beer-goggles.
- Quote :
- Unwelcome as he felt it might be, he reached up a hand and brushed away the tears.
“I would care!”
Severus didn’t respond at all. He allowed Remus Lupin to pull him into the comforting embrace, why did he make that choice?
Because the author needs you to be OOC so that Remus can bone you up the butt and sire a batch of m-preg sprogs on you, Snape.
- Quote :
- Severus ran out of steam as he allowed himself to lean physically and emotionally on another person and lapsed into the unconsciousness that had been threatening him since his draining encounter with Aradia. Remus didn’t consider the same question though. He was thinking that Severus had made a promise to a goddess. He had agreed to bear life, to become pregnant. Remus wasn’t sure what to make of it all, but he knew that Severus would not break his word and some part of him knew that involving himself now would mean something.
It means your dick in Snape's self-lubricating ass, that's what.
More to come soon.
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