"The Joe Luck Club" -- horrible original MPREG with the strangest 'delivery' scene yet... NWS

Malganis' note: I sporked this with gaijinguy as a joint sporking. Thanks for the sporking experience, gaijin! *salutes* Everyone else, enjoy our suffering!


*Cue soothing music. Gaijinguy is sitting in a library, holding a tumbler of whiskey with a the bottle on the table next to him. He looks up, sees the camera, and clears his throat.*

gaijinguy: Ah. Hello there. I would like to welcome you to welcome you to... *squints* Masterpiece Theatre? No, wait, Masturbates Theatre? *Clears throat nervously* Um- let me get my glasses. One second.

*Pulls out tinted glasses and puts them on.*

gaijinguy: Where the fuck did that come from? Ahem. Anyways. I would like to welcome you to Male Pregnancy Theatre, where Malganis and I talk about childbirth in ways other than nature intended it, except for seahorses.

*Drains whiskey glass in one swallow and refills it.*

gaijinguy: Alright. Tonight's story is called “The Joe Luck Club.” Please, God, let this be about men playing Mah Jongg.

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This story contains graphic descriptions of gay sex, male pregnancy and birth. It's unquestionably weird. If that offends you, please don't read it. Likewise, do not read or save it if you are under 18, or if by doing so you would be committing any sort of crime.

gaijinguy: Wow. Fuck you too, God.

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By Greyson Moore -E-Mail Redacted-

gaijinguy: I'd bet money that's not his real name.

Malganis: No, it's probably Biggs "Biggie" Dickman.

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Joe Kim wandered in to the strange little herb shop out of curiosity. His Chinese grandmother was convinced that Chinese

gaijinguy: Chinese. We GET it.

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herbalists' could cure every ill. His grandmother always said that after many years of not being able to have a child, she went to see an herbalist and he gave her an herb potion and then his father was born.

Joe's Father, who was a doctor, had always thought this was superstitious nonsense. For some reason though,

gaijinguy: OBJECTION! *Needle scratch sound effect.* Stop right there. This is what the Turkey City Lexicon calls “fuzz-” defined as “An element of motivation the author was too lazy to supply. The word "somehow" is a useful tip-off to fuzzy areas of a story.” Now back to the story in progress. *Sound of whiskey glass being drained again.*

Malganis: It's the magical "SOMEHOW", gaijin. Look at it as the lube that allows both author and reader to subsequently jerk off to the mental image of a man pissing a baby out of his penis.

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Joe had never felt entirely sure about his father's belief. Joe had never been into an herb shop and when he found himself in front of one, he decided to investigate.

gaijinguy: This is bad. The author's already established the father and grandmother as having different views- the “somehow” is just lazy writing to excuse not tying together two elementary plot points.

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The shop was very small, very dark, and filled with pungent aromas.

gaijinguy: It was when he heard “sucky-sucky, five dollah” that he realized he was in the wrong place.

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An extremely, elderly, but spry gentleman was behind the counter. "May I help you find something,"

gaijinguy: “ginseng? Powdered, rhino, horn? Tiger penis?”

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said the old man in a heavy Cantonese accent?

gaijinguy: Or not? Which accent makes you misplace commas again?

Malganis: The Faker accent, which comes from Fakelandia, an obscure and hated nation whose sole source of national income (and the only thing exported to the rest of the world) is terrible accents in written and visual media.

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"Just looking," responded Joe.

"I can see by your face," said the old man, "that you are looking for something in particular."

gaijinguy: If he says “grasshoppah,” I'm out.

Malganis: Unleash your inner urethral powers, grasshoppah.

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"Perhaps you are troubled by something and wish to have some soothing herbs?"

gaijinguy: No, but I'm starting to become troubled by your fucking pushy salesmanship. . . oh, that's how you do it.

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"Just looking," said Joe. "Let me show you what I have," said the old man. "Really, I just want to look," said Joe politely. The old man ignored Joe's remark as he showed Joe his various herbs and potions.

As Joe was ready to leave, the old man said, "I have something to help you have a child."

gaijinguy: I'm (morbidly) curious as to why the incredibly stereotypical Old Asian Sage has this lying around. Didn't China stop classifying homosexuality as a mental illness like a year ago?

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Joe's jaw dropped in amazement. Joe had wanted to have a child for a long time. But, he was gay and had no intention of having sex with a woman to produce a child. He had also thought about hiring a surrogate mother, but he worried that the mother may decide to keep the child. He didn't know why he wanted a child so badly.

gaijinguy: Joe? There's this thing called “adoption. Been around for a while now. . .oh. Right. Excuse plot.

Malganis: Now, now, heaven forfend he adopt. No, he has to crap a child out his dick to love it!

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He wondered if it was the desire to carry on the family name.

Joe responded, "I'm not married or even dating."

gaijinguy: Given that this guy can apparently read you fucking mind, he's probably figured out that you like the cock. Just saying.

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"You do not need a woman to have a child," said the old man without the least bit of self-consciousness.

gaijinguy: “Hele, just put this spidel on youl face, chop chop, and in few days, chird!”

...Don't look at me like that, it's no more stereotypical than anything else in this story.

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Joe blurted out, "right." "So, you do not believe me," said the old man with anger. "I'm sorry, but I don't," replied Joe. "I know where babies come from."

gaijinguy: . . .I'm starting to think this author is maybe twelve.

Malganis: JOE: "But... but I don't like to put my peeny in a lady's woo-woo while we do the wah-wah! How's a baby supposed to start growing in her tummy if I don't? Don't try to hand me that old line about the STORK, I just found out that was a big poopy-head lie like a WEEK ago!"

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The old man replied, "you do not know everything."

gaijinguy: “For instance, you did not notice I'm not wearing any underwear.”

Malganis: JOE: "Uhh, yeah, I did, actually. I mean, your dick's out and you're masturbating furiously over the thought of me giving birth to a child...."

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So saying, the old man walked to the back of the shop and returned with a bottle. He handed the bottle to Joe. Joe read the label on the bottle out loud, "Male Pregnancy Herbs." "And how does this stuff work," said Joe? "You must insert this potion into your penis," said the old man. "How," said Joe? "I would suggest a turkey baster," said the old man.

gaijinguy: “Don't let the 'Oleoresin capsicum' label fool you, that's just the scientific name.”

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"What," said Joe incredulously? Joe knew what a baster was and suspected that he would have to inject the potion into his urethra, but he was certain his pee hole wouldn't stretch out enough to accommodate the end of the baster.

gaijinguy: Okay, several things wrong here. First, he's even entertaining this patently ludicrous idea (though given the old man's apparent mind-reading, disbelief isn't stretched as far is his orifices are gonna be) and second, he's worried about the turkey baster not fitting and giving no thought to a BABY not fitting.

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"Buy one with an injector nozzle," said the old man. "They have them at the supermarket down the street." Joe looked at the man with skepticism.

gaijinguy: “Turkey basters are pretty new. You're having me on, right?”

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"You still do not believe that a man can have a baby, do you," said the old man? "No I don't," said Joe with a slight hesitation.

gaijinguy: “I'm not grotesquely stupid.”

Malganis: That's news to us, Joe.

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"When a baby if first conceived, it has no sex," said the old man. "As the fetus grows, it becomes male or female." "Testes and ovaries come from the same tissue and so do the penis and vagina." Joe was impressed by the old man's medical knowledge.

gaijinguy: Okay, I barely passed bio in high school and haven't had a class since. That said, I know this is wrong: yes, they form from the same tissue, but what they become is substantially different. Everything theoretically comes from the original cell- gonna say you've got an herb to turn his pecker into an extra heart, too? Sound of whiskey glass being drained again.

Malganis: I think I'll be needing some of that whiskey... to pour on Joe's dick when his urethra is snapped like an over-stretched rubber band.

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"This potion converts one testicle temporarily into an ovary," continued the old man. "A man's own sperm them fertilizes his own egg." Joe was intrigued about being both a biological mother and a father to his child.

gaijinguy: “It's Hapsburg Approved!”

Malganis: Yeah, look, it even has King Carlos the Second's signature on the bottle! Bitchin', dude!

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"How much for the potion," asked Joe suddenly?

Malganis: *sings* How much for that potion in the window? The one that's made of bio-log-gic-cal phaaaaail?

gaijinguy: WHERE IS BABBY GROWN? This is one of the worst things about these stories- trying to dress up the “explanation” for whatever fucked-up fetish fuel happens in some sort of scientific babble. If this story had just called it “fucking magic,” I'd have been a bit more kind. You're fooling nobody but yourself, wanker.

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"A thousand dollars," said the old man with no sense of shame. "Too much," said Joe. "Come now, is a thousand dollars too much to pay for a desired child," said the old man? "Beside, I guarantee it will work or your money back."

gaijinguy: If it works, you're going to have a child grow up inside you, tear you open inside because there's nowhere for it to grow, and you will both die in a way that makes Mr. Hands' passing look peaceful.

Malganis: Well, buyer beware.

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Joe shook his head as he walked out of the store with the potion.

gaijinguy: He was gonna need those 50 HP.

MOAR coming soon...

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He could not believe he gave the man a check for a thousand dollars. He wondered if he was loosing his mind. He was also amazed at how desperate to have a child he appeared to be.

When Joe got home he went into his bedroom and removed his clothes. He looked over his middle-aged body in the mirror on the wall and was proud of what he saw. His muscle tone was still high; no middle aged spread had take over his body.

gaijinguy: Uh. . . why do we need to know this?

Malganis: Well, the people reading this fic need something to jerk off to, gaijin.

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He wondered if he did get pregnant would he have a son that looked exactly like him since he would be both mother and father. He had know doubt that he would produce a son if he did get pregnant.

Malganis: He knows doubt? What, he just regularly invites Doubt over for a beer on Sundays while they watch the big game on TV? Maybe he and Doubt have some nachos?

gaijinguy: *Headdesk.* This is the other portion of the pseudoscientific explanation: when it goes wrong. This stuff works, allegedly, by turning one testicle into an ovary. Never mind the part where testicles are outside the body for temperature reasons and ovaries aren't. And ignoring, for a moment, the part where there's no place for an actual baby, this is STILL fucking stupid. He's going to self-fertilize; when his testicle magically becomes an ovary, either it will stay as it is (half of the cells with an X chromosome, half with a Y) or they'll all magically turn into eggs (all X.) In the former case, he'll have four possible outcome- X and and sperm meet to form a daughter, Y sperm and X egg or X sperm and Y egg meet to form son, or a Y egg and a Y sperm meet to form a. . . something. Specifically, something that will end up in a jar of formaldehyde on a shelf at Johns Hopkins with a label saying “WTF?”

And if his ovary starts producing proper eggs, he should have a fifty-fifty shot of getting a son or a daughter, just like in real life.

*Empties glass again.* And FUCK YOU story for making me go through that in my head.

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He had purchased the turkey baster with a nozzle like the old man suggested. He screwed the nozzle onto the end of the baster and threw it on the bed in disgust.

gaijinguy: How credulous is this fucker?

Malganis Enough to believe that testicle-turning-into-an-ovary shit.

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"I am not putting that thing inside of me," he said to himself. He sat down on the bed and looked at the baster. "Maybe if I put a lot of lube on the tip, it won't be so bad."

gaijinguy: So he's a gay man who hasn't figured out the part where lubrication aids penetration. No wonder he's so desperately alone.

Malganis: Yeah, that's just sort of sad.

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He went into the bathroom and returned with a towel and a jar of petroleum jelly.

He removed the rubber bulb on the end of the baster and put his thumb on the end of the nozzle. He opened the bottle of potion and slowly poured it into the baster tube. He squeezed the rubber bulb and put it back on the baster. He let go of the bulb, which caused the potion to be sucked up into the bulb itself.

gaijinguy: I will never look at Martha Stewart the same way again.

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When he was certain the priceless potion wouldn't leak out of the nozzle, he slathered the nozzle with the petroleum jelly. Joe looked down at his stiff penis. He had become rigidly erect from the thought of what he was about to do.

gaijinguy: That clinches it. This author does not have a penis.

Malganis: Or is a man who's wildly into sounding.

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His pee hole seemed to gape open in anticipation of being filled.

gaijinguy: As opposed to to retreating into his body from the horror, like mine is doing RIGHT NOW.

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Joe put the greasy nozzle head at the end of the hole and gently pushed it in. He urethra resisted being penetrated, but Joe was determined to continue even if it caused him some pain.

gaijinguy: *Crosses legs, empties whiskey glass again.*

Malganis: Joe, that pain, that resistance? THAT'S YOUR BODY TRYING TO TELL YOU THIS IS A BAAAAAD IDEA!

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He was surprised how once he got a small portion of the nozzle in the rest of the nozzle slid in.

gaijinguy: Ow ow ow ow OW!

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He gently squeezed the nozzle, which expelled the potion into his phallus. Joe thought it would burn, but it was extremely pleasurable. It was like he was ejaculating in reverse.

gaijinguy: Lolwut?

Malganis: Sounds more like peeing in reverse. Maybe this author has a douching fetish.

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Joe wanted to masturbate, but he was afraid he would squirt out the precious potion before it could do its work. Joe went to bed that night very horny.

gaijinguy: Okay, basic biology time again. There's a muscle that regulates flow through the urethra; that's why guys don't pee when they stand up.

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When he awoke the next morning he felt a little strange.

gaijinguy: Like some advanced tumor was inside him, tapping his blood flow and with nowhere to grow to.

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He disrobed and looked at himself in the mirror. Nothing about his body appeared different. He was disappointed until he noticed his nipples. His diminutive nipples had swollen up a little bit overnight. He could now actually get a hold of them and pull.

gaijinguy: Joe, if you're anorexic, you probably shouldn't be getting pregnant anyways.

Malganis: I like man-nipples and all (they're normally cute as buttons), but those sound like dick-nipples. Which are NOT cute as buttons. Or cute as anything else.

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That was enough to thoroughly arouse Joe. He began to pump his dick for all it was worth and pull on his nipples until he had an unusually strong series of orgasms

gaijinguy: Author's female, that clinches it.

Malganis: Well, s/h/it made the main character into a female, that's for sure.

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and shot a large creamy load.

Malganis: A large creamy load of... cream? Reddi-Wip?

... BIOLOGY IS FUN!

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His penis expelled it with such force that it hit the ceiling. After Joe rested from his orgasm he decided to get a mop so that he could scrub his sperm off of the ceiling before it dried. As he walked into the kitchen to get the mop, he felt an unusual heaviness between his legs.

gaijinguy: Okay, minor detail but mop? To get stuff off the ceiling? Why not a sponge, or something a bit less unwieldy?

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He looked down and noticed that his scrotum had doubled in size.

gaijinguy: And screamed like hell, since it hadn't been that way when he checked himself out five minutes ago; at this rate, he'll be able to use it as a beanbag chair by lunchtime.

Malganis: *Hops up on it and bounces up and down* Hey, nice beanbag chair!

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He was suddenly hard again and horny. He forgot all about the ceiling and the mop. He had to get off. He sat down on one of the chairs and masturbated furiously until he had another series of orgasms and shot another voluminous load.

gaijinguy: Just to recap: author is female and probably a virgin; they obviously have no idea how the male bits work.

Malganis: Or they just miss the teenage years of getting hard and coming at the drop of a hat...

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Joe cleaned up the spermy mess he had made in the kitchen and the bedroom. He was a little reluctant to clean up the mess though because he was very pleased with himself for making it.

gaijinguy: Is it horrifying that this is the most believable characterization thus far in the fic? Yes. Yes it is.

Malganis: No wonder this guy is alone. So very, very alone.

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After the mess was cleaned-up he cleaned himself up then went to work.

gaijinguy: at his job.

Malganis: I wonder if his co-workers will notice anything different. "Joe, did you get a new pair of pants? They look a little big in the front..."

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He didn't believe any of this had to do with the potion. He thought it was all do to being excited by the idea of being able to get pregnant.

gaijinguy: Hope your insurance covers “massive internal bleeding!”

Malganis: If they cover "acts of God", do they also cover "acts of stereotypical Chinese shop-keep who is a walking, talking plot device"?

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For the next four months Joe did nothing but work long hours at his job and masturbate to relieve all of the tension. Another company had bought the company he worked for and the new management was changing everything.

gaijinguy: Whoa? Plot development not related to the wank material? God damn!

Malganis: Enjoy it while it lasts.

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For a while Joe felt sick every morning. He attributed this to the stress of having to work seven days a week. He had also noticed that he was beginning to get a middle-aged spread because he wasn't able to work out like he had in the past.

gaijinguy: This from the guy who said “I know where babies come from?” No, Joe, you obviously fucking don't.

Malganis: *nods*

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One night as he lay in bed tugging on his nipples while he masturbated, he noticed a discharge coming from one of his nipples. It was only a slight discharge, but Joe was aroused by it. He wondered if his constant tugging on his nipples while he masturbated has caused them to continue to grow and begin to lactate.

gaijinguy: Okay, it's official: Joe is retarded. He starts lactating, but doesn't attribute this to the fact that he's fucking pregnant. And despite not making the connection, he's turned on, not, oh, say, wondering why his nipples are oozing fluid. Hint, hint guys: oozing fluid is usually a bad sign.

Malganis: If only it meant he was going to die horribly and painfully.

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He wondered if he kept tugging on them if he could get them to be huge. Big nipples on other guys had always turned him on and now that his were big he wanted them huge.

Malganis: This guy must really love dick-nipples. After all, they combine two of his favorite things: dicks, and huge nipples!

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After about six months his gut was enormous. "I've got to get to a gym," said Joe in disgust as he looked at his big belly in the mirror. The rest of his body was still hard and firm. His pecs also were still hard and firm but nipples that looked like Playtex nursers now crowned them.

Malganis: Seriously, you'd think he'd have gotten a clue by now....

gaijinguy: Thank you, ladies, thank you for coming to our focus group- you're all about six months pregnant, correct? Good. First question. How many of you would like to go to the gym for some intensive- OW! It's just a question, don't- wait, is that OH GOD MY EYES!

MALGANIS, HELP!

*static crackles*

Malganis: Man down! Man down!

Gaijin, come in!

*moar static*

Malganis: *shaking voice* I... I guess I'll have to continue the spork alone... Oh, gaijin... look what they did to you...

*drops to knees, throws head back, stares into the cold and uncaring sky of a meaningless world* NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I WILL AVENGE YOOOU, GAIJIN!!!!

To be continued... *dramatic music plays*

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One night a the gym a good-looking and well-muscled guy walked over to Joe and said, "what's with the gut?"

Malganis: "Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gut in your hand
Heeey Joe, I said where you goin' with that gut in your hand

I'm going down to shoot my creamy load
You know, I've injected a Chinese potion into my dick, man
I'm going down to shoot my creamy load
You know, I'm suddenly a hermaphroditic M-pregnant man
And that ain't too cool ... "

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He then touched Joe's sweatshirt, which barely covered his bulging belly. Joe felt a sudden twinge in his stomach. The guy felt it. "If I didn't know better," said the man, "I would say you were knocked-up cause I could swear I felt a baby kick."

Malganis: No one 'knows better' in this fic, buddy. Not even the author.

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Joe was sweating like pig when he went into the showers. He began to slather his body with soap. Suddenly, he heard a deep bass voice say, "need some help buddy?" It was the tummy toucher.

Malganis: Bad touch! Bad touch!

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Before Joe could respond, he began to soap up Joe's back. "Ya know, I like men with big guts," he said as he soaped. "I really get turned on by men with big guts," he said as he exposed his erection.

Malganis: Ooh, turn me on with your sexay redundancy, baby!

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"I like to think I am so fertile that I got them pregnant," he said as he began to play with himself. "I must of stuck it in your butt without a rubber," he said as he stroked himself more rapidly.

Malganis: Damn, that's some boring jerking-off.

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"Do your titties give milk," asked the guy as he rapidly beat his meat? "Sure do," responded Joe as he began to stroke his own dick. "Wanna see." Joe began to pull on his nipples like he was milking a cow. "Come on babe," said the guy, "milk those titties for Papa." "Yeah milk those titties for me." The guy soon shot his load all over Joe. He quickly washed up and left the shower leaving Joe all alone.

Malganis: Leaving with not even so much as a wham-bang-thank-you- ... uhh... sir-or-ma'am?

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The guy had excited Joe.

Malganis: Oh, come on, a tree falling in the woods with no one to hear it would excite Joe these days. He's perpetually horny!

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He had to drain his balls.

Malganis: I can help out with that! *Takes thin metal pipettes with sharpened ends and rams them deep into Joe's scrotum* Attach pumps and behold, drained balls!

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He began to pull harder on his tits until they began to leak. Feeling the warm milk dribble out of his tits caused Joe's cock to explode.

Malganis: ...Taking the entire gym with it, tragically. The newspapers released the story the following morning, with suspected 'Chinese penile terrorism' being fingered (lulz) as the culprit....

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That night in bed, Joe wondered if he was really pregnant.

Malganis: HE'S WONDERING AGAIN?

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As he pondered, he felt another twinge in his stomach and he knew the answer.

Malganis: As Joe: "Damn, I shouldn't have eaten all those chili corn-dogs!" *hoists up leg and looses a five-minute-long fart*

Anyhoo. Joey boy goes to a cabin in the woods to birth his Spawn of Satan. Sadly, he is not killed and eaten by crazy backwoods cannibals. WHERE ARE YOU WHEN WE NEED YOU, CRAZY BACKWOODS CANNIBALS?

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One day as Joe was outside chopping wood for the fire, he felt like he felt an incredible need to urinate. He didn't think he could make it back to the cabin. He pulled down his sweatpants and let it rip into the snow. He wizzed more than he had ever wizzed in his life. He felt he had sprayed out at least a gallon.

Malganis: Shouldn't his bladder have exploded by now?

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He also noticed that his penis had begun to swell up.

Malganis: Rather like a balloon?

Hmmm....

*hefts pin*

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Joe forgot about the firewood and headed quickly back to the cabin while his exposed penis grew larger and larger. By the time he got back to the cabin and shut the door it was as big around as a five-pound coffee can and showed no signs of stopping.

Malganis: If you've ever wanted a doomcock....

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His stomach suddenly began to spasm. Joe knew it was time.

Malganis: ... For tea and crumpets?

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He was scared. He wondered how his baby was going to get out. He hadn't even thought that he might need a doctor to perform a caesarian on him. He wondered if he and the baby were going to die, because he had no way to call for an ambulance. And even if he did he would be too embarrassed to explain to the dispatcher what was happening.

Malganis: ...This is the stupidest protagonist in the history of ever, amirite?

HE THINKS HE MIGHT HAVE A BABY GROWING SOMEWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF HIS PELVIS AND HE MAKES NO PLANS FOR HOW IT MIGHT GET OUT???

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His penis was now as wide as his hips and the end was leaking.

Malganis: What was it leaking? Blood, I hope.

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He felt a sharp pain in his penis. He thought his penis was going to explode.

Malganis: Oh, Joe, I thought you liked your penis exploding....

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He looked down and saw the head of ababy coming out of the end. It then occurred to him that his baby was conceived through his urethra maybe it would be born through his urethra.

Malganis: I just have nothing to say to this, except that it is a crime against humanity that this man's stupid genes would be passed on to the next generation.

Blah, blah, baby is born, Joe strangely doesn't die...

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Joe fell asleep that night with his baby next to him in the bed. When he awoke the next morning he was back in his own bed. His body covered in his own semen. Joe swore as he realized that all the potion seemed to have done was produce one incredible wet dream. He didn't even notice his swollen nipples and enlarged scrotum.

The End

Malganis: WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Okay... let's see, people, what do we have here? A badly written story that leaps about with character motivation and characterization like a Mexican jumping bean, horrible 'eroticism', quite possibly the STUPIDEST main character ever, and an incredibly cringe-worthy birth scene. Not to mention the cop-out ending of 'it was all a dream'.

*sighs, turns to audience*

Well, people, that's it for Male Pregnancy Theatre. Thank you for joining us for this messy tale, and be sure to join us next time for some more stories that will be sure to horrify and disgust you.

*drinks the rest of gaijinguy's brandy*

Oh god how did you two ever manage to read this whole thing?

WTF just happened here?

Also:

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Joe swore as he realized that all the potion seemed to have done was
produce one incredible wet dream. He didn't even notice his swollen
nipples and enlarged scrotum.

I read that as meaning he's actually still pregnant.

Mal, pass me the whiskey...

I might need the whiskey as well. I think this is the first MPreg I've ever read that the baby comes out of the penis.

Well, urethra babies are certainly a change from assbabies, but it's not quite as weird a way for a man to give birth as in that one Harry Potter fic where Snape gave birth through his nose. Does anyone remember that one? I think it was on the orange GAFF boards during the time that said boards were rarely functional, so it's quite possible that not many people will.

Malganis and gaijinguy, you had me in stitches with the snark. THIS IS WHAT THIS BOARD IS ABOUT, GUYS!

You found something truly spectacular: the exact opposite of erotic. There should be some kind of Nobel prize for such a splendid discovery.

Congratulations on having made it all the way through that pile of crap.

That was truly, horrendously, awful.

But the snark was hilarious.

And some people wonder why Yahoo! is contemplating shutting down Geocities. (Are they actually doing it? I have heard it go both ways.)

quamp wrote:

And some people wonder why Yahoo! is contemplating shutting down Geocities. (Are they actually doing it? I have heard it go both ways.)

They're going to shut down the free Geocities web sites and start charging for web space. I'm surprised it's taken them this long, really, since you don't make money off free websites.

This is... wow, How did you two manage to find this?

King Bee wrote:

This is... wow, How did you two manage to find this?

I found it. I can't remember why or how, though. I was probably searching for badfic and landed on this.

'I have morning sickness and a pregnant stomach and have started to lactate and I took a potion to make me pregnant. What could possibly be happening?!'

Where did the baby actually come to term though? Because he got a big preggers tummy but then pissed the baby out through his urethra. So... so where was teh baby all those months? The biology, it burns.

I don't even know how one's penis can swell up to be as wide as one's waist. Is it like a balloon or something?

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"Ya know, I like men with big guts," he said as he soaped. "I really get turned on by men with big guts,"

YOU ARE PREGNANT
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS

Wow, this has to be the most crack-tastic MPREG I've ever seen. That snarking, however, was epic - I was literally doubled over and in tears by the halfway point. Malganis, gaijinguy, you each win two and a half internets

Soo... if I'm reading this right... he inserted the turkey baster into his urethra and squirted the stuff right into his testicles?

Is that even possible?

I thought maybe the child was gestating in his bladder (could be worse- urine is sterile), but if the potion never went into his bladder, that's right out.



Also, the vagina and penis are not formed from the same bits, and I've never heard of a woman giving birth via her clitoris.





WHAT HAPPENED TO GAIIIIIIIIIII WHY DOES HE KEEP DYING

IT'S A BAD HABIT

grmblfjx wrote:

Also, the vagina and penis are not formed from the same bits, and I've never heard of a woman giving birth via her clitoris.

I've read that hyenas give birth through the clitoris. I have no idea how accurate it is, though.

Sort of. Lady hyenas have great big protruding genitals that look a bit like a cock.

Well, so much for the days when I stumbled upon mpreg and thought "at least the fic doesn't have the guy birthing a baby through his dick".