Experienced Woman: GO CLIMB A WALL OF DICKS (NWS)

I was browsing /d/ for snarkable manga and , as usual, wasn't disappointed--someone was requesting "the name of the manga with the wall of dicks in it", which was followed by a post of said wall-of-dicks manga and someone going "Wow, a wall of dicks, only on /d/". So...yeah. Time for a wall of dicks, dudes.

Delcat: HERE WE GO

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Zeiss: Well, this looks like it's going to end well.
Zeiss: PAPER CUTS: THE SILENT KILLER.
Delcat: As you can tell, this is a long and detailed manga that spends a lot of time on foreplay and plot before advancing into actual sexual encounters.
Zeiss: Yeah, they're all like that.
Delcat: It also delves into the painful struggle of hydropcephalitis...again.
Delcat: Seriously, mangakas. Seriously. Heads are not that big.
Zeiss: That IS a big head, you are quite right.
Delcat: If my head was as big as my ass, I...oh man I cannot even picture that for snark, that is just gruesome. Granted I have a large ass, but just in general, man.
Zeiss: That photograph
Zeiss: She looks like the blonde anime girl version of Weegee.
Zeiss: And her school is apparently made out of graph paper.

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Delcat: Say hello to our protagonists, Bitchy and Greasy! Hello, Bitchy and Greasy!
Zeiss: Greasy is yet another member of the Obvious Hentai Rapist Guild.
Zeiss: Would you trust someone that looked like this.
Zeiss: MY GREASE ADORED YOU
Delcat: I generally don't trust anyone who looks like a Guess Who character.
Zeiss: THOUGH I NEVER LAID A HAND ON YOU
Zeiss: Does he have a fetish?
Delcat: Are her legs creepily long, or am I just short?
Delcat: THAT IS A SURPRISE
Zeiss: No, it's just that her feet have hooves.
Delcat: She is a graceful gazelle! ...bitch. Graceful bitchy gazelle.
Zeiss: I think she's a half-satyr, like Torgo.
Delcat: And Greasy just kind of looks like TorgOH MY GOD WE ARE SEEING THE ORIGINS
Zeiss: OH DEAR GOD

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Delcat: GET A WRITTEN CONTRACT, BITCHY
Delcat: THIS IS GOING TO END ON JUDGE JUDY
Zeiss: This right here is what we call the "Plot Page"
Zeiss: It's all you're getting.
Delcat: Those nose is bugging the heck out of me. It looks like one of the stock noses you get on a build-a-person minigame in a shitty education PC game from 1995.
Zeiss: It makes no logical sense.
Zeiss: Like it's sinking into his cheeks.
Delcat: It doesn't even have real nostrils, just a pair of indentations, like someone sunk their thumbs into a lump of clay.
Zeiss: It's like he was made with a Play-Doh Build-A-Rapist Kit
Delcat: I had that one as a kid. Never worked right. They never came out straight.
Zeiss: Mine always came out all crumbly.
Delcat: Enh, it all tastes the same in the end.

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Delcat: Well this is a perfectly vanilla blowjob sceOH MY GOD THE SCARABS FROM THE MUMMY ARE ATTACKING HIS COCK
Zeiss: Okay, AGAIN with Japan's obession with cocks lined with bumpy shit.
Delcat: To be fair, it is an actual cosmetic surgery you can get, and it's supposed to be sexy when done right and it's popular over there and all, but good GOD does it look creepy.
Zeiss: You ever seen one of those toads that carries its eggs on its own back?
Delcat: And the horror stories of when it DOESN'T go right, brrrrr
Zeiss: BTW are you fucking serious about the surgery thing? Because that just sounds NO
Delcat: O-oh God, Surinam toads? You mean...those are full of little tadpoles that are gonna... D:
Zeiss: Oh damn, did I guess the ending?
Delcat:
Delcat: I thought Surinam toads were the neatest thing when I was a kid, because I thought they were little open cups the tadpoles sat in. No one ever told me they VIOLENTLY RIP THEIR WAY OUT.
Zeiss: I can understand if it's the Yakuza, 'cause they're into all sorts of crazy shit, but for everyone else NO.
Delcat: But really, even that's better than my initial thought whenever I see that: Giant. Fucking. Cysts.
Delcat: and in my mind's eye I see them RUPTURE.
Zeiss: It looks like her hands are de-evolving in panel 6.
Delcat: Oh God, you're right. They're froghands.
Zeiss: SEE
Delcat: She's also not looking anywhere near him.
Zeiss: IT ALL MAKE SENSE NOW
Delcat: IT'S SECRET TOAD BONDAGE HENTAI
Zeiss: I guess that means Torgo is a quarter Surinamese.
Delcat: FOR THE WII
Delcat: WITH THE WRIST STRAP
Zeiss: GIVE THAT TOAD A SLIP

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Delcat: "That's surprising...I was sure you were a dickgirl. I want my money back :<"
Zeiss: A GIANT ROOM FILLED WITH LILYPADS
Delcat: HEY ZEISS
Zeiss: YES
Delcat: HOW FAR IS HE GOING TO SHOVE HIS LEG UP HER VAGINA??
Zeiss: I DUNNO DEL
Zeiss: HOW FAR IS THAT MAN GOING TO SHOVE HIS LEG UP HER VAGINA
Zeiss: "C'mon, face me. That's right, nipples, even you."
Delcat: KNEEDEEP, KNEEDEEP
Zeiss: ...
Zeiss: Dear God, Del
Zeiss: have you no shame
Delcat: it is the only frog joke I know.
Zeiss: Hey, looks like the Phantom Blot's joining in in the first panel.
Delcat: Well except for "When all legs are cut off, frog goes deaf", but I think that one would be even worse in context.
Zeiss: So lets go over some of the anatomy here.
Delcat: oh you are doing that on PURPOSE. You don't even KNOW who the Phantom Blot IS, man, you are just HOMING IN ON MY CHILDHOOD.
Delcat: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
Zeiss: I KNOW THAT HE'S A BLOT AND THAT LOOKS LIKE HIS DISEMBODIED BLOTHOOD
Zeiss: AND HE SEEMS TO HAVE STOLEN HER NAVEL
Delcat: Well duh, frogs don't have navels because they come from eggs. I learned that when I was a kid. From a book.
Zeiss: Wait, so his secret basement is the "Take On Me" video?

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Zeiss: HEY THOSE AREN'T LILYPADS
Zeiss: OR A-HA
Zeiss: Okay the chair mounted head-on to the wall just looks impractical.
Delcat: See, that right there is a pearl vibe. But not a good one, because the pearls aren't anywhere near her vagina. Either that or it's just kind of hanging and about to fall out, because Greasy is terrible at this.
Zeiss: Looks more like that dildo's a big player in the Yakuza.
Delcat: That lounge chair in the middle actually looks quite comfy. I'd nap in that.
Zeiss: I like the fact that he just has a normal kitchen chair in the middle.
Zeiss: Must be a feng shui thing.
Delcat: Or it is...THE COMFY CHAIR
Zeiss: NO
Zeiss: NOT THE COMFY CHAIR
Delcat: "Have you got all the stuffing pushed up one end?"
"Exactly what sense do you mean that in? Either way, yes."
Zeiss: Y'know, I can barely tell the rope and the shadow apart in that panel.
Delcat: I can barely be arsed to care.

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Delcat: "Or, you know, I can just say 'Honey, I decided to shave'."
"You're no fun :<"
Zeiss: Methinks he kinda took too much off the top there.
Zeiss: ATTACK THE CLIT, GREASY
Delcat: Yeah, that...that's just disturbing, I have no idea what I'm looking at.
Zeiss: IT IS OUR ONLY HOPE
Zeiss: I'm trying to make sense of that ball gag.
Delcat: What clit? He's just randomly stabbing his tongue at a vague white void.
Delcat: How so?
Zeiss: HE'S ERASING HER
Zeiss: It doesn't look so much like a sphere so much as it does Toad from Mario is stuck in her mouth.
Delcat: Oh, that's actually how they make some of them. It allows for air passage. ...and drool, if you're into that.
Delcat: DOESN'T THAT MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER??
Zeiss: WHY DON'T WE ASK GREASY MCRAPEHOFF HERE
Zeiss: HE CAN ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS
Delcat: GOLLY, MISTER GREASY, IT'S MAGIC!

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Zeiss: Monorail
Zeiss: MONORAIL
Zeiss: Mono-D'OH
Delcat: Monorail cat! ...er, pussy.
Zeiss: I TRIPLE-DOG DARE YA
Delcat: vroom vroom buhbuhbuhbrummmm vroom
Delcat: I wonder exactly where he got that suit made.
Zeiss: Panel 1 is the worst version of American Gothic I've ever seen.
Delcat: You can't exactly shop off the rack for crotchless-monorail-bondage-hip-waders. ...I mean, unless you know the right size in advance, and I don't think he did.
Delcat: What is it with hentai and this iron pole thing, anyway? They did the same thing in that godawful loli manga we decided was too rancid to snark.
Zeiss: Same thing with bumpy dicks and foreskin, man.
Zeiss: Japan.
Delcat: Japaaaan!
Zeiss: JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN
Delcat: 'least that's the halfway point.

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Delcat: And THOSE are the same weights they use in Nippon Heroine 3. Maybe there IS an off-the-rack sex shop where you get all this stuff in Hentai Japan.
Zeiss: Did the rail just spring up another foot?
Delcat: There's a midget with a crank ramping it up eight inches every page. For ~*SPICE*~
Zeiss: Those damn midgets and their spice.
Delcat: How is she going to get off at the other side? It goes straight into the wall. Does she just...fall sideways, like a cowboy with his foot caught in the stirrups?
Zeiss: It's the bondage version of the Paradox Of Xenon. She'll never reach the wall, no matter how hard she tries.
Delcat: ...I feel stupidly proud of myself for actually getting that reference and I only got it because of Neil Gaiman, GO ME.
Delcat: Note that the iron rail is entirely and completely smoove. The manga forgets this on the next fucking page.

(Intermission: Break for Antidote Movie Night, convened next day)

Zeiss: ready when you are
Delcat: let me put on my robe and wizard hat
Zeiss: Let me get my grease bucket
Zeiss: Actually it's more of a tub

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Delcat: THAT WAS A PERFECTLY BARE POLE ONE PANEL AGO
Zeiss: This is the worst Double Dare obstacle course ever.
Zeiss: Say, Del, you have a clit
Delcat: Didn't you always wonder where the slime came from, though?
Delcat: They key word is "came".
Zeiss: How does this measure on the accuracy scale?
Delcat: Well, I can't say that I have ever done this
Delcat: And I know that clitoriseseses are highly variable
Delcat: But I am scenting the fragrant scent of bullshit
Zeiss: It looks like some mother dinosaur laid her eggs in a trench and has attracted the ire of a giant vulva.
Zeiss: Work was tough for the remaining Pac-Man ghosts after the arcade business fizzled out...
Delcat: Also, I can't see that being all that stimulating. Despite contrary belief, the clit will not explode into happy confetti given the slightest glance. You can't just randomly stab vague mini-Blothoods at it and expect results.
Zeiss: So there's this giant enemy clit...
Delcat: If anything, depending on how tight those gaps are, we're talking bruising or more serious damage, both of which would numb sensation.. Not sexy.
Delcat: Dangit, Zeiss, stop making me crack up when I have my Science Lady hat on >(
Zeiss: I thought you had your wizard hat on
Delcat: It's on top of that.
Zeiss: the two are not interchangable Delly
Delcat: I'm a complicated woman. I have layers. Layers of hats.

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Delcat: PERFECTLY. FUCKING. BARE. POLE. Look, it's even bare on the other side! THEY JUST DO NOT CARE.
Delcat: Either that, or it's actually one of those bar ghosts from Super Mario Brothers 3 with the little ghost heads running along them.
Zeiss: I think the pole just has a localized infection.
Zeiss: QUICK LADY LOOK IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF THE POLE
Zeiss: THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
Delcat: (>///<)
Delcat: THAT DID IT
Delcat: NOW GO BACKWARDS
Delcat: ...hey Zeiss?"
Zeiss: yes?
Delcat: How do Boos have sex?
Zeiss: Budding.
Delcat: That or permanent doggy-style.
Delcat: Man she is just gushing like a stuck pig
Zeiss: Y'know, all this weird custom S&M equipment and this guy still can't afford a better nose.
Delcat: Maybe it's just the ghost thing, but I swear she's covering that pole in ectoplasm. Is...is this a Twilight Zone episode? Has she been dead all this time?
Zeiss: She's gushing like an incompetently-prepared corn dog.
Delcat: Zeiss, how did you know what the next sex toy is? Are you flipping ahead?
Zeiss: ...no
Zeiss: does it involve corn dogs?
Delcat: MAYBE

(Continued)

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Delcat: Or...whatever the hell those are.
Zeiss: They look like popsicles.
Delcat: Honestly, why doesn't she just scoot over them and rest between?
Zeiss: Still in county fair territory, but a world away from corn dogs nonetheless.
Delcat: She's never gonna get the flag at this rate.
Delcat: I also have absolutely no handle on how big they are. I swear they're changing size between panels.
Delcat: This continues to support my "ghost head" idea.
Zeiss: And for our next page, Greasy will tie Bitchy to the railroad tracks.
Delcat: ...my "extremely pissed off ghost head" idea.
Zeiss: But if she was a ghost, she could just go through the pole.
Delcat: Do ghosts go through other ghosts? That would support your budding theory. And explain why they're always so pissed off at the living.
Delcat: Hey, look at the bottom left! So THAT'S where the censor bars went!
Zeiss: I don't know, man. We're on the frontiers of ghost physics.
Zeiss: Yes, like ghosts, the censor bars have all just joined together as well.
Delcat: I wanna go to the censor bar party. It looks like more fun than this entire manga.
Delcat: ...am I the only one wanting to get a picture of a tiny motorcycle and make it jump the ramps of Greasy's eyebrows?
Zeiss: I went to a censor bar party once.
Zeiss: It was fun until the PMRC music labels and Mr. Yuk showed up.
Delcat: Man, Mr. Yuk is such a narc.
Zeiss: Drinks like a fish, though.

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Zeiss: *Shrug and wah-wah music*
Delcat: Hey, man, going outside the boundaries of the agreement here. Not cool. Don't make her get her pimp on your ass.
Delcat: I would totally forgive this manga if the last page was Greasy getting the shit kicked out of him by a pimp.
Zeiss: This guy lives in a goddamn Looney Tunes cartoon.
Delcat: You don't exclusively give oral on top of trapdoors?
Zeiss: The last page is going to be Toshihiro Ono looking up from his drawing board.
Zeiss: "Ehhh, ain't I a stinker?"
Delcat: Oh God, it is. Except we'll finally see his face and it'll just be the Something Awful smiley.
Zeiss: I know Ono didn't write this, I just imagine him as the patron god of bad porn.
Delcat: ...did you just suggest that Bugs Bunny is a patron god?
Zeiss: ...
Zeiss: I've said too much
Delcat: There was a guy in my crazy fundie school that was suspicious of Bugs Bunny because he was constantly crossdressing. MAYBE HE WAS RIGHT??
Zeiss: And I'm also sensing a severe disconnect between the area of that trapdoor and the area of that floor.
Delcat: OH MY GOD THIS IS ALL TAKING PLACE IN HOUSE OF LEAVES.
Zeiss: Now there's going to be instructions on how to build a clitpole in Old Norse or something.

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Delcat: *puts on Eye of the Tiger*
Delcat: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A WALL OF DICKS
Zeiss: IT PUTS THE DILDO IN THE BASKET
Delcat: OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Delcat: And you do not want to know where the hose goes
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: LET ME RIIIDE ON THE WALL OF DICKS
Zeiss: ONE MORE TIME
Delcat: THE TUNNEL OF LOVE MIGHT CONFUSE YOU
Delcat: *amuse
Delcat: *which is even better
Zeiss: YOU CAN GO WITH THE GREASY PEOPLE IN THE GREASY HOUSE
Zeiss: YOU CAN TEST YOUR JUNK ON THE CLITPOLE OR SPIN IN THE MOUSE
Zeiss: You can waste you time on the other vibes
Zeiss: This is the nearest to being alive
Zeiss: Whoaoaoa, let me take my chances on the Wall Of Dicks
Delcat: Why Zeiss, how did you know what I had planned? :D
Delcat: *TRAPDOOR*
Zeiss: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Zeiss: CURSE you delcat
Delcat: Man, I knew having that Il Palazzo bellpull installed was gonna be worth it.
Zeiss: Jesus Del, I thought the rumors of your dong collection were exaggerated
Delcat: Careful, some of them have gone feral down there!
Zeiss: Well, might as well climb up
Zeiss: "OW!"
Zeiss: "YOU HAVE INSULTED MY DONG HONOR"
Zeiss: Del what the
Delcat: Hey, it's kept him out of the way, hasn't it? You didn't REALLY think Melissa and Quamp left, either, did you?
Zeiss: Del you magnificent bastard
Zeiss: I always thought there was something off with Melissa...
Delcat: Hey, I throw 'em scraps. ...occasionally. ...when I remember it.
Delcat: I tried it with Harley, but she always manages to pile her own crazy high enough to hop out.
Zeiss: Goddamn Del, these keep going limp
Zeiss: I think there's a flaw in your deathtrap
Delcat: Maybe you're just unnaturally skilled in that area, did you ever think of that?
Zeiss: Pointing out flaws in deathtraps? Why yes, it's a specialty of mine.
Delcat: Quickly, Zeiss! Build a ladder out of screencaps!
Zeiss: *Pulls self up with inordinate amounts of yanking*
Delcat: Enjoy yourself?
Zeiss: Shit, Del, I think I broke your quamp.
Zeiss: Then again, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: That's okay, I've got bland insurance.
Zeiss: Okay, let's get back to business.
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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Zeiss: All in all, she's just another dick in the wall.
Delcat: How long were you waiting on that one, Zeiss?
Zeiss: Substantially long.
Delcat: Don't lose your grip on the dicks of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive
Delcat: It's the cock of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fuck
Zeiss: I just have the image of Greasy going to the local porn market, grabbing armfuls of dongs at the checkout counter.
Zeiss: "NO, I DON'T WANT THESE WRAPPED."
Zeiss: QUICK
Zeiss: IT'S TIME FOR A COCK MEDLEY
Zeiss: Chicks and ducks and geese better MALICE, when I take you up on the phallus
Delcat: We were merely fuckmen
Delcat: Oh, Susanna, oh don't you cum for me
Zeiss: 'Cause I come from Alabama with a dildo on my kneeeeeeee
Delcat: TOSS!
Delcat: okay seriously why doesn't she rest her feet on those
Zeiss: High on the hill with a lonely dongherd, ladee yodellally yodelay heehoo
Zeiss: TUSK
Zeiss: She's not that bright, Delly.
Delcat: I've got a brand new pair of bondage cuffs, you've got a brand new key
Zeiss: Admiral Greasy notified me, he had to have a clitpole or he couldn't get to sleep
Zeiss: I like how we both immediately launched into the Werewolf Medley
Delcat: And the cunt's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Balls Blue and the girl getting mooned
Delcat: It seems the natural choice.
Delcat: I think the problem now is stopping.
Zeiss: Bitchy, the dildowall girl, loved all the plastic cocks on the wall
Delcat: although I think you just topped out there
Zeiss: I think we ran out of songs.
Delcat: One more
Delcat: WE WILL, WE WILL COCK YOU
Zeiss: Somehow, I knew you were going to do that.
Delcat: Oh they fucked in the briars and they fucked in the brambles and they jammed it in the places where a dildo couldn't go
Zeiss: Greasy, walls and dongs, we heard it from the people of the town
Delcat: In your Easter bonnet, with all the balls upom it
Zeiss: ONE NIGHT WITH GREASY MAKES A STRONG CLIT CRUMBLE
Delcat: okay now we really ARE out
Zeiss: I think we've looped back, yeah
Delcat: And we're gonna get requests to sing the entire thing
Delcat: In German
Zeiss: EIN NACHT MIT GREASY MACHT EIN STARK KLIT ZERBROECKELN

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Delcat: Oooof course.
Zeiss: Geez, talk about abrupt.
Zeiss: It's like the artist got done drawing the Wall Of Dicks and went, "Oh fuck, I can't top this."
Zeiss: ...Wait, doesn't Greasy now have to climb the Wall Of Dicks as well?
Delcat: OH GOD ZEISS THE MENTAL IMAGES
Delcat: Also they seem to have disappeared
Delcat: Is the wall a ghost too?
Zeiss: They must be retractable.
Delcat: Man, it'd be fuckin' sweet if guys had retractable dicks.
Delcat: Just sayin'.
Zeiss: I honestly do not know whether it would be sweet.
Zeiss: I suppose it could in some circumstances.
Delcat: After all of that, is he even getting anything out of it at this point? It's gotta be just like fucking a hairy barrel by now.
Delcat: Oh wait, he shaved her, forgot. Just like fucking a SMOOTH barrel.
Zeiss: A hairy barrel covered in pizza sauce.
Delcat: Aaaand it turns out that he was gonna keep her in his dungeon and rape her forever whether she liked it or not. Sexy.
Zeiss: Well, he thought this out well.
Zeiss: BUY A GODDAMN LADDER DUDE
Zeiss: THINK THINGS THROUGH
Delcat: *sigh* You know, for all its faults, I honestly did appreciate that Ono's stuff is consensual. Nonsensically consensual, but utterly consensual.
Zeiss: See, if they hadn't wasted their money on bondage outfits and clitpoles, they could have just bought a ladder and this never would have happened.
Zeiss: Ono does have that going for him, I'll say.
Zeiss: Unlike many hentai artists, he explicitly forbids raping in the classroom.
Delcat: Although it's fine anywhere else.
Delcat: Fuck, Zeiss, am I getting nostalgic for Ariake now?
Zeiss: Geez, that is worrying.
Zeiss: Oh, to be with hingedicks once more.
Delcat: Hey, did she ever get the flag?
Zeiss: Yeah, we never found out if she finished the clitpole or not.
Zeiss: Stupid porn.
Delcat: Aw, the prizes are never worth it anyway.
Zeiss: And exactly what kind of experience did she get in the end?
Delcat: in-the-end experience?
Zeiss: Thank you folks, we'll be here all night.
Delcat: You might, I'm getting out of this dickhole right now. Oh, and Zeiss?
Zeiss: Yes?
Delcat: *TRAPDOOR*
Zeiss: CURSESSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Delcat: That'll never get old.
Zeiss: I'm going to have to break quamp again, aren't I


ETA:
Zeiss: ...we forgot Here Comes Santa Claus and Give It Away
Delcat: Give it Away speaks for itself.
Zeiss: well yeah
Zeiss: HERE COMES GREASY GUY HERE COMES GREASY GUY
Delcat: RIGHT UP BITCHY GIRL'S BUTT
Delcat: there.

All I can think of saying is WTF, DONG LADDER.

Ok, two things:

Her feet are untied, why exactly is she not climbing out using her feet?


WTF IS IT WITH THE KUH KUH KUH I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE BEFORE THIS oh hey, it's over.

I was under the impression that her feet was tied to her hips. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Zeiss: Okay, AGAIN with Japan's obession with cocks lined with bumpy shit.
Delcat: To be fair, it is an actual cosmetic surgery you can get, and it's supposed to be sexy when done right and it's popular over there and all, but good GOD does it look creepy.

I don't know whether I'm mad at myself for not knowing about this or if I'm mad that you brought that horrorshow of a cosmetic surgery to my attention.