Charlie Sheen writes Obama fanfiction

I . . . the mind boggles.

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It's a sad day when I don't know whether to post an item in News or New Releases. Charlie Sheen's all over this Truther thing, it seems, and has also been writing for Alex Jones' Prison Planet, a site which comes down heavily on the side of Trutherism. Well, in his latest missive, Mr. Sheen composes a fantasy interview with Pres. Barack Obama--and reveals his inner fanbrat.

Quote :

Charlie Sheen – Good afternoon Mr. President, thank you so much for taking time out of your demanding schedule.
President Barack Obama – My pleasure, the content of your request seemed like something I should carve out a few minutes for.
CS – I should point out that I voted for you, as your promises of hope and
change, transparency and accountability, as well as putting government
back into the hands of the American people, struck an emotional chord
in me that I hadn’t felt in quite some time, perhaps ever.
PBO – And I appreciate that Charlie. Big fan of the show, by the way.
CS – Sir, I can’t imagine when you might find the time to actually watch my show given the measure of what you inherited.
PBO – I have it Tivo’d on Air Force One. Nice break from the traveling press corps.

Let's see. Object of fannish adoration acknowledging the amazingness of author insert? Check. Author insert's exaggerated modesty? Check. Stiff and lifeless dialogue? Check.

Quote :

(He glances at his watch) not to be abrupt or to rush you, but you have 19 minutes left.
CS – I’ll take that as an invitation to cut to the chase.
PBO – I’m all ears. Or so I’ve been told.

Sadly, this is best line in the whole piece.
So Charlie-Stu gets into the conversation with the lust object president. He starts asking questions about the 9/11 commission, and the presidents' aides start whispering into Obama's ear as Stirring Information is Uncovered. Apparently, Obama has never read the 9/11 Commission Report, or lacks basic fact-finding skills.

Quote :

CS – Mr. President, we cannot move forward with a bottomless warren of unanswered questions surrounding that day and its aftermath.
PBO – I read the official report. Every word every page. Perhaps you should do the same.
CS – I have sir, and so have thousands of family members of the victims, and guess what; they have the same questions I do and probably a lot more.
I didn’t lose a loved one on that horrific day Mr. President and
neither did you. But since then I, along with millions of other
Americans lost something we held true and dear for most of our lives in
this great country of ours; we lost our hope.
PBO
– And I’d like to believe that I am here to restore that hope. To
restore confidence in your leaders, in the system that the voting
public chose through a peaceful transfer of power.
(An odd moment of silence between us. Precious time ticking away).

CS: I . . . I have confidence in you, Mr. President.
PBO: Call me Barack.
CS: And please . . . call me Charlie.
PBO: I'd be honored.
(He places his hand on mine. His fingers are smooth and warm, elegantly manicured nails almost touching the skin of my palm. I feel a surge of heat rush through me.)

Anyway, the interview continues, and Charlie pulls out more damning facts that he apparently read on the Internet. He's got all this amazing information, damning stuff--all of it from public records, mind you, which the entire federal government has apparently overlooked in its complete incompetence. Either that, or they're all still being puppeteered by Chimpy McBushitlerburton. Or something. On Charlie goes, pulling out file after file, citing common information that Obama and his staff seem to have never heard in their lives.
Obama is impressed by Charlie's "passion" (I swear to God, the exact word) and how on-the-ball he is, and asks Charlie to "brief" him. (Mind going odd places now . . . ) Charlie proceeds to trot out the usual Truther theories, complete with extra question marks ("WHO TOLD HIM THIS???") and the kind of highly dramatized language that would never actually be spoken aloud.

Finally, this masterbationpiece ends on a high, triumphant note. A hopeful note. Obama has been conveyed The Truth About 9/11, and he will go forth and Make It All Right.

Quote :

PBO
– Well Charlie I can’t say this hasn’t been interesting. As I said
earlier you’ve showed up today focused and organized. Regardless how I
feel about the material you’ve presented, I must commend your
dedication and zeal. However, our time here is up.
(the President rises from his chair , I do the same).
CS – Mr. President! One more second!
(The President starts towards the door – I follow him quickly step for step).
CS – Mr. President, I implore you
based on the evidence you now possess, to use your Executive Power.
Prove to us all Sir, that you do, in fact, care. Create a truly
comprehensive and open Congressional investigation of 9/11 and its
aftermath. The families deserve the truth, the American people and the
rest of the free world deserve the truth. Mr. President -
(He pauses. We shake hands).
CS – Make sure you’re on the right side of history.
(The President breaks the handshake).
PBO – I am on the right side of history. Thank you Charlie, my staff and I will be in touch.
(I watch as he strides gracefully out of the room, the truth I provided him held firmly by his side; in the hand of providence.)

A lot of celebrity tabloids are founded on the premise of "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" Well, apparently, Charlie Sheen isn't just like us. He's like the fanbrat authors we snark here every day, writing RPF where he changes the course of history and impresses the hell out of his idol. If this is the quality of the work he produces, I hope he never goes into screenplays.

And I thought Two and a Half Men was already as stupid as it could get...

I'm almost disappointed this didn't finish in rampant buttsexings. Charlie Sheen, if you're going to do this crap, at least go all the way with it.

ZoZo wrote:

I'm almost disappointed this didn't finish in rampant buttsexings. Charlie Sheen, if you're going to do this crap, at least go all the way with it.

You want to send him the letter or shall I?

Verandering wrote:

ZoZo wrote:

I'm almost disappointed this didn't finish in rampant buttsexings. Charlie Sheen, if you're going to do this crap, at least go all the way with it.

You want to send him the letter or shall I?

I don't know, maybe I'll just leave him a bad review on his ff.net profile.

You know Alex Jones probably wouldn't want this Obama worship-wank on his site, since he considers Obama a 'wicked, wicked devil'.

ZoZo wrote:

Verandering wrote:

ZoZo wrote:

I'm almost disappointed this didn't finish in rampant buttsexings. Charlie Sheen, if you're going to do this crap, at least go all the way with it.

You want to send him the letter or shall I?

I don't know, maybe I'll just leave him a bad review on his ff.net profile.

Someone should actually post this on ff.net.

Actor-Script=WTF.

This is why screenwriting should be left to the big boys.

Further proof that he has a hand in the script for Two and a Half Men. Seriously, what woman would want to have sex with Charlie Sheen?

Mafiosa wrote:

ZoZo wrote:

Verandering wrote:

ZoZo wrote:

I'm almost disappointed this didn't finish in rampant buttsexings. Charlie Sheen, if you're going to do this crap, at least go all the way with it.

You want to send him the letter or shall I?

I don't know, maybe I'll just leave him a bad review on his ff.net profile.

Someone should actually post this on ff.net.

You can if you want. I don't want to get sued for plagiarising his masterpiece.

Code:

I can't help but read that script in Sheen-as-Topper-Harley's voice in my head.

Wait a minute.

Charlie Sheen played Topper Harley
Harley Quinn Hyenaholic is our local Troofer
Charlie Sheen is a Troofer

Charlie Sheen is Harley.

(I was gonna try and find a suitable "egad!" type macro and instead stumbled over the Gentleman's Emporium, which I will probably wind up blowing money on before the year is out. I hope you're happy.)

...the hell?

Quote :

I’ve been a Charlie Sheen fan for years. I’ve always been afraid that he was a Commie, like his father. The last several years have shown that nothing could be further from the truth! Go Charlie! Your self-respect is more important than your career!

As usual, the comments can be more nutty than the article itself (and that's really saying something).

Take this shit over to New Releases and spork it! Celebrities are like the rest of us...or at least like 12-year-old fanbrats. They write badfic, too!

Also, someone should totally create an account on FF.net and post this thing...just for the lolz.

Mafiosa wrote:

ZoZo wrote:

Verandering wrote:

ZoZo wrote:

I'm almost disappointed this didn't finish in rampant buttsexings. Charlie Sheen, if you're going to do this crap, at least go all the way with it.

You want to send him the letter or shall I?

I don't know, maybe I'll just leave him a bad review on his ff.net profile.

Someone should actually post this on ff.net.

Or better yet, Ripley's Believe It Or Not. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I mean, you could drive Horatio Caine's Hummer through the holes in Sheen's theories about 9/11.

Can we get a mod to move this into New Releases? This needs a better sporking than I can give it.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I just uploaded it. Check in a few hours; it's under parodies and spoofs.

I checked a few moments ago, and it seems to have been taken down.

Dammit. I'll have to try again.

Wait, no there it is. Second one in the List.

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....dammit. It has been taken down. Back up it goes!

There, now it's under TV crossovers. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Sheba wrote:

Dammit. I'll have to try again.

Wait, no there it is. Second one in the List.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

....dammit. It has been taken down. Back up it goes!

There, now it's under TV crossovers. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Put it under Two and a Half Men. Or better yet, keep the script but change the character names to something else.

Mafi, you're brilliant! Moving it to Two and Half Men--where there's only like 12 stories anyway--but changing the names removes some of the sheer WTFery. There, Two and Half men crossovers. Bwaha. now it's up at least two places.