The Purest Love of All: Falling for a lioness

So, I told myself I'd make at least one useful contribution to the new boards before slipping back into lurkdom, and dove straight into the pit, where I found this... gem in The Lion King section. I'm hoping it's the work of a dedicated troll, or a parody, because there's no other way I can cope with 26 chapters of happy-childhood-memory-ruining fail. Oh, and I'm not that funny. :<

Falling for a lioness by sindragon
Well that title doesn't sound promising. Let's take a look at that summary, maybe the author's just not that good at titling things.

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a human tennager was flying to afica to do his dream when sudling it crashing killing his freind making him sole survier when he finds pridelands and certion lioness what going to hapen

Wait, what?

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this has cross spices paring ok

Excuse me? You'd better not be crossing Paprika with Thyme, or I swear I'm hitting the back button! :evil:

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A Xl plane above the famous aficans planes most of the afican birld thew out the way of it not knowing what this strange creature was.

"I look out the plane loving thew view of the plaines untoched by mankind. Miles to they eyes could see of the golden grass with few blue dot where the water wholes where.

No, seriously. What? Is this even English? Do I need a decoder ring to read this story? At any rate, this is our main character Stuart. Better get used to him, you'll be seeing quite a bit of the guy.

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Iturn around to the sound and smiled look at Colin one my close freind from childhood a fellow Manchester united fan

And meet Colin! He's a pretty cool guy, and by that I mean that out of all the dialogue in this chapter, his sounds the least likely to come out of a lobotomized chimp's mouth. I'm pretty sure that the fact that he's a Manchester United fan is a very, very important detail that'll come into play much later on, during the story's final, dramatic twist.

But before we can get any further, we're treated to the most exciting description of a plane exploding in mid-air you'll ever read. It's so great, I can't even print it here. You're just going to have to witness it for yourself.

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2hr later my eyes opened up moaning trying to move out my seat then i rember colin.

Oh, sure. Just forget about your awesome friend and take a two hour nap. I'm sure he'll understand. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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" colin i shouted to him" i said to my freind hoping he say somthing when i turn to look at where he sat i burst into was in his seat but had a pice of long metal pole had gone thew him killing him.

Well that's pretty redunda-- Wait, what?! Colin?! Nooo, not Colin! You were the only one that kinda almost sort-of sounded vaguely of average intelligence! Aw, Colin. I'm gonna miss you and your two lines of dialogue. =(

So Stuart buries his friend, grabs his food, water and sword from the plane wreck, and sets off toward a "poiting rock", but five hours into the trip he faints. Fortunately, there's some talking lionesses to save him!

Chapter two, aptly named "talking lions wtf" is an info-dump of headache-inducing proportions. The only thing of note is that it introduces us to Sarabi, Nala and Scar, as well as Scarfina, Sacarfina and Scaefina, who are either all Sarafina with mangled names, or Scar's lesser-known, triplet siblings.

But more importantly, instead of eating this easy meal alive, the lionesses have dragged him right into their den in Pride Rock. One can only hope this is the lion equivalent of picking up a pizza on the way home from work.

It's around chapter three, when Scar sends three hyenas to kill Stuart (smart man! ...er, lion!), that my blood starts to boil. Stuart, having been in a plane crash and knocked out for two hours, buried a guy, walked for five hours and fainted again, kicks one hyena to death, then headbutts another several times before snapping its neck.

Don't believe me? Here's some choice bits of a fight that goes on too long:

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One jump in the air i smrik he was doing as a hope as he open his jaws to bit coming down i swung my left leg with froce it the hyenas neck sending flying into the wall much harder hering the cracking sound of his skull smahing killing him. [...] The hyena wasent leting up as i dug in deep as i moved my head up headbuting the hyena repeadly intill he yelled in pain leging go of my arms Ithen kick him off me. [...] I so my chance grabing my arms around the hyena neck twisting till isound they hyena neck brake killing him.

Sensing that if he stays in this badfic any longer he'll lose all that's left of his dignity, Scar does the smart thing and runs away. Suddenly! Zira appears out of fucking nowhere and doesn't murder anyone or act like the crazy nutjob she is. I call it quits, because I skimmed ahead and the human/lion frenching is just skeevy. ...And makes the child in me quite sad.

mennat wrote:

So, I told myself I'd make at least one useful contribution to the new boards before slipping back into lurkdom, and dove straight into the pit, where I found this... gem in The Lion King section. I'm hoping it's the work of a dedicated troll, or a parody, because there's no other way I can cope with 26 chapters of happy-childhood-memory-ruining fail. Oh, and I'm not that funny. :<

Falling for a lioness by sindragon
Well that title doesn't sound promising. Let's take a look at that summary, maybe the author's just not that good at titling things.

Quote :

a human tennager was flying to afica to do his dream when sudling it crashing killing his freind making him sole survier when he finds pridelands and certion lioness what going to hapen

Wait, what?

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this has cross spices paring ok

Excuse me? You'd better not be crossing Paprika with Thyme, or I swear I'm hitting the back button! :evil:

You've never tried my cornflake-crusted chicken, have you? That's the seasoning mix ya use--plus salt, depending.

But yeah, the potential beastiality made me throw up in my mouth a little.

This is so horrifying I had to go find the skeevy bits.

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It took me a second of surprised before accepting her tongue in my mouth ,I then work my tongue in her mouth as we French kissed each other. This kiss was magic it was like I was in heaven with a angel looking at her beautiful body,I didn't care what people would think ,I don't care I wanted Nala as my mate.

Yes, because there's lots of people in the African wilderness. Isn't the point of the plane crash that he's the only one around?

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I couldn't stand seeing Nala like this I then picked her up cuddling her deeply letting her cry on my shoulder, I kept telling her it would be ok.

Wait, how big is she? Is this actually underage furry porn where the animal is underage? Does he not know that lions aren't the size of house cats?

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It had been 2 weeks on from my birthday, Nala had been acting up wired, she been throwing up and had got more a hunger and temper problem. I winced at claw mark I had received from Nala rage.

No. Please no. Don't make me break out the alcohol.

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“Well rember our love we made together on your birthday, well let say your goner be a daddy, I’m pregnant” Nala said proudly to me.

OUT OF CHEEZE ERROR

What's wrong with me? After reading his profile I had to check out his human in a lion king world. It's all sorts of wrong, and not just in the concept itself. (A lionness uses her own claws to masturbate? HELL NO.)

Oddly enough, the fact that they're Manchester United fans makes this make more sense to me. The author's stupid. It all makes sense, now.*

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this has cross spices paring ok

I'm down with this as long as it's ginger/cardamom. They're MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!



*What? I haven't seen Mikey here yet, so I thought I'd lower the tone talking about sport.

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One jump in the air i smrik he was doing as a hope as he open his jaws to bit coming down i swung my left leg with froce it the hyenas neck sending flying into the wall much harder hering the cracking sound of his skull smahing killing him. [...] The hyena wasent leting up as i dug in deep as i moved my head up headbuting the hyena repeadly intill he yelled in pain leging go of my arms Ithen kick him off me. [...] I so my chance grabing my arms around the hyena neck twisting till isound they hyena neck brake killing him.

Well he IS training to be a fake TV wrestler. Obviously, that makes sense.

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"i need a good fuck! My heat is driving me mad!" Nala said to herself.
Nala couldn't see anything to please herself with, so she pushed 2 claws into her pussy.

Gah.

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"Hmm, seems I'm not the only one who wants it." Nala smirked, looking at his dick.
which was the size of a large dog's. Slowly, Nala gave it a small lick which caused...

...the bristles on her tongue to scrape his willy right off! Sexah.

And then randomly:

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Mufasa had to do one thing, handing over the crown as King.
"Simba, you have to mate me to show dominance." Mufasa said smirking, lifting his
tail.Simba nodded his head,
climbing onto Mufasa. Smiling, he had been done by his dad and loved
it. Now, it was his turn. Simba's cock had gone stiff and slowly
entered his dad's love hole. Moaning from the tightness as he push
him in further."Oh Son!" Mufasa
moaned in pleasure as he was pounded hard by his son.
Sarabi walked in, smirking at the scene."Having fun are we?"
She smirked, making both lions blush.

I'm kind of disturbed that the thing that bothers me most is the lions blushing. How the fuck does that work, huh? HUH?
Been here too long, et cetera et cetera.

You know what I find amazing about that fic? The piece of shit has 26 chapters.

Twenty-six fucking chapters. Literally.

There are some things the author of this seems to be unaware of:

A lioness weighs about three hundred pounds, on average. More, for some subspecies.
Her tongue is designed to strip flesh off of bones; a friendly lick by a tame lion can draw blood.
A lioness in heat wants to mate. A lot. A whole lot. Like 30 times a day. And she's insistent about it.

Wandering Critic wrote:

There are some things the author of this seems to be unaware of:

A lioness weighs about three hundred pounds, on average. More, for some subspecies.
Her tongue is designed to strip flesh off of bones; a friendly lick by a tame lion can draw blood.
A lioness in heat wants to mate. A lot. A whole lot. Like 30 times a day. And she's insistent about it.

Ah, there you go applying logic! I'd like to see this played out. His mouth in the Frenching scene would have been a bloody mess.

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Good chapter man, keep it up, can't wait for next chapter.

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Oh I love this chapter. I have been having fun and enjoying this great story. This is fun!

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Thanks for updating! 2 Nalas. Wow.

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i like it i like it oh oh i do man keep it up i like to be in you next TLK story and i like to fall in loved with anna you cheetah friend.

WHAT THE FUCK I DON'T EVEN

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“You have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.” Mufasa said to his son looking down at him.

Simba looked at him like a helpless cub trying to say something to his dad.“How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.” Simba said to his dad shaking his head.

The light got brighter around Mufasa as he look back at his cub.

“Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king.” Mufasa say to his son with pride his voice, as Simba look up with ,aw ,pride ,fear and sadness all round up into one combine emotion

After few seconds the face of Mufasa Starts to break up and disappear right in front of Simba eyes.

“ No. Please! Don't leave me.”

“Remember...”

“Father!”

“Remember...”

“Don't leave me.”

“Remember. . .”

Simba ran yelling for his father to come back to him, but it was no good Mufasa had disappeared back to kings of the past leaving a distorted Simba in an empty field.

Out of know where Rafiki appear behind Simba too look at sky with a bit of amazement.

“What was THAT? The weather-- Pbbbah!, Very peculiar. Don't you think?” Rafiki laughed at the crazzyness of the weather.

Bad fanfic! We do not blatantly plagiarize!! No cookie!

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“Well rember our love we made together on your birthday, well let say your goner be a daddy, I’m pregnant” Nala said proudly to me.

"Welp," she said, spitting a wad of tobacco-tinted saliva off to the left. It hit a spitoon with a satisfying ping! "You's goner be a daddeh. There's a bun in the oven, if'n ye know what Ah mean."

God. I hope it doesn't turn out to be some horrifying man-lion thing. I'm to afraid to look.
With messed up fiction like this it'll probably have the body of a lion and the penis of a man, so it can ride everything left right and centre.

Fitchsticks wrote:

God. I hope it doesn't turn out to be some horrifying man-lion thing. I'm to afraid to look.
With messed up fiction like this it'll probably have the body of a lion and the penis of a man, so it can ride everything left right and centre.

Horrible... images... in my head. It's too early to read this shit!

I... I read the entire story.

I'm going to go curl up in a corner and hold a mass funeral for all the braincells I lost while reading this tripe.

Wandering Critic wrote:

There are some things the author of this seems to be unaware of:

A lioness weighs about three hundred pounds, on average. More, for some subspecies.
Her tongue is designed to strip flesh off of bones; a friendly lick by a tame lion can draw blood.
A lioness in heat wants to mate. A lot. A whole lot. Like 30 times a day. And she's insistent about it.

Also, why did he think a sword would be a useful thing to bring along and, more importantly, how did he get it onto the plane?

At least it's not a nubile celebrity being screwed by animals for a change. Remember Snakes on a Sharapova, that Anna Kournikova/Dolphins fic, etc.?

Fairlight wrote:

Wandering Critic wrote:

There are some things the author of this seems to be unaware of:

A lioness weighs about three hundred pounds, on average. More, for some subspecies.
Her tongue is designed to strip flesh off of bones; a friendly lick by a tame lion can draw blood.
A lioness in heat wants to mate. A lot. A whole lot. Like 30 times a day. And she's insistent about it.

Also, why did he think a sword would be a useful thing to bring along and, more importantly, how did he get it onto the plane?

I was wondering that myself. Last time I flew, they wouldn't even let me take my fingernail clippers past the check point. And this kid walks through with a freakin' spear?!

Rabid Badger wrote:

Fairlight wrote:

Wandering Critic wrote:

There are some things the author of this seems to be unaware of:

A lioness weighs about three hundred pounds, on average. More, for some subspecies.
Her tongue is designed to strip flesh off of bones; a friendly lick by a tame lion can draw blood.
A lioness in heat wants to mate. A lot. A whole lot. Like 30 times a day. And she's insistent about it.

Also, why did he think a sword would be a useful thing to bring along and, more importantly, how did he get it onto the plane?

I was wondering that myself. Last time I flew, they wouldn't even let me take my fingernail clippers past the check point. And this kid walks through with a freakin' spear?!

But he's special.

Seule wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Fairlight wrote:

Wandering Critic wrote:

There are some things the author of this seems to be unaware of:

A lioness weighs about three hundred pounds, on average. More, for some subspecies.
Her tongue is designed to strip flesh off of bones; a friendly lick by a tame lion can draw blood.
A lioness in heat wants to mate. A lot. A whole lot. Like 30 times a day. And she's insistent about it.

Also, why did he think a sword would be a useful thing to bring along and, more importantly, how did he get it onto the plane?

I was wondering that myself. Last time I flew, they wouldn't even let me take my fingernail clippers past the check point. And this kid walks through with a freakin' spear?!

But he's special.

Of course he's special. He's a Gary-Stu after all, and airport securities never feel the need to check the baggage of Mary Sues and Gary Stus when they attempt to go someplace by airplane.

...and the ones with wings wouldn't even need no stoopid plane in the first place.

However, I can't work out whether they'd have their own special Sue ports so they could check in/check out or whether they'd be too special even for that, though.

I was planning on sporking this to death, but I can't, it's just too disgusting and, frankly, stupid.

This has a fucking sequel. I call troll!

A sequel? Dear God in Heaven! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

T.S.Orr wrote:

This has a fucking sequel. I call troll!

Where?

It could still be a dedicated weirdo...