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 Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]

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Denethor



Join date : 2014-04-29

PostSubject: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Tue Apr 29, 2014 11:01 pm

[Website wouldn't let me post the link. The story's on fanfiction.net if you want to find it]

Here we find the sort of fic that tries. Really, it does; our author is mid-20s with a literature degree. But the thing about trying is that it doesn't make the overwriting any less hilarious.

Chapter One

Quote :

The trees bounced as the wind whistled through the scattering leaves.

Our first sentence, and already we are introduced to an arboreal basketball court.

Quote :

As Amélie approached her front door she admired the large cackling expression of the pumpkin flickering its amber eyes at her in the wind.

Our author wants to show us it's Halloween, so shows us a pumpkin. Well, and good: show don't tell. Unfortunately, the overwrought image of the pumpkin's flickering amber eyes comes across as silly and disjointed: the pumpkin is simply doing too much for one sentence. Also, why would anyone leave a lit pumpkin lantern outside in the wind when there's no-one home? Surely there's a fire hazard there somewhere, not to mention that since no-one's home, no-one gets to appreciate it.

Also, in a clear danger sign, the character has the same name as the author's username. Self-insert, anyone?

Quote :

She walked into the kitchen, brushing her windswept hair behind her ears to see if dinner was ready.

Apparently brushing windswept hair behind your ears allows you to determine whether dinner is ready. There's either a comma missing, or alternatively, the sentence needs a restructuring.

Quote :

Her hair was long, down to her chest; and the colour of wheat with natural streaks of gold and honey.

Lightly toasted hair, with extra fibre and raisins... sorry, combined with the context of food, something about this sentence evokes breakfast cereal.

Quote :

Amélie opened the fridge and found a plate of parmesan risotto which she proceeded to heat up. Amélie was quite the cook, and had a passion for creating things in general.

A passion for cooking that is best illustrated by ... heating up something from the fridge. How supremely complex!

Quote :

As Amélie began to eat, she heard the heavy rain and roaring wind beating the windows.

For extra drama, just add adjectives.

Quote :

A rumble of thunder vibrated through the cottage and the lights began to flicker. Amélie jumped as she heard a crash of lightning nearby. She was worried about her mum and sister, where they safe? "I'd better check on them, she rushed to the phone hanging on the wall but before she could dial she felt another crash! Closer than the preceding blast. The phone went dead.

Where they safe indeed? Hooray for melodrama.

The story has established that the mother is picking up the younger daughter from school. The mother thus lacks immediate access to a landline, and, assuming Amélie is calling her mother's cellphone, calling someone who is (presumably) driving is not a good idea if you want them to answer. Especially in the middle of a lightning storm, and especially if you are already concerned about their ability to navigate through said storm. Curiously, Amélie does not seem to have a cellphone herself.  

Quote :

She began to panic, one by one the the lights flickered out and dread filled her in the blackness.

If you lose power, lights don't flicker out one by one. They go all out at once. Not sure why she's feeling dread though: lightning storms happen. I'd be more worried about that bloody pumpkin outside being knocked over and starting a fire.

Quote :

Suddenly she saw headlights beaming through the water gushing down the windows.

Gloriously clumsy overwriting.

We are treated to a final crash! And everything goes black. Amélie then wakes up in bed, in Rivendell. Because this is going to be a Tenth Walker fic.

Amélie takes things pretty calmly, considering she seems to have never read LOTR or seen the movies (we need more genre savvy Sues!). Also, her full name is Amélie Defrise. Which, again, by complete coincidence is the username of the author.


Last edited by Denethor on Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:40 am; edited 1 time in total
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Denethor



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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:14 am

Chapter Two

Amélie wakes up again (convenient narcolepsy: helping bad fanfics since the dawn of time) to discover a lovingly-described ivory gown, with

Quote :
a rose gold band of ribbon under the bust.

As will be seen, Amélie seems to be very focussed on her bosom.

She then goes and has a bath in a bath with pre-poured steaming water and rose petals. Thank goodness those Elves knew she'd wake up before the water cooled down. Then she goes back and puts on the dress:

Quote :
in different lights it shimmered in white gold and the cut enhanced her bust.

Someone's having a bit of fun.

Amélie is then proclaimed as being a Lady of the Green Hills, and the daughter of a Captain Luin Defrise. Credit for settling on an actual bit of West Gondorian geography, no credit for the small problem that Gondorians haven't developed surnames yet, let alone French ones like Defrise.

Quote :

That moment there was a knock on the door, a fair and tall elf walked in. "Hello Amélie, welcome to my house, I am Elrond" he stated in a proud and welcoming manner. "You are invited to join us tonight at the gathering; I hope you will be there" then quickly he left.

So Elrond comes in, introduces himself, invites her to a gathering, then leaves before Amélie has had a chance to reply. Perhaps he was just trying to perve at her in her new dress, was disappointed, so left.

Quote :

Legolas wore a tunic of silver and his hair was long and golden, he had in his grasp a cup of red wine which he drank from

Legolas drinks from a cup of red wine. I'd have never guessed that was its purpose.

Boromir is on hand, and makes a joke about being neighbours with Amélie. I believe the technical term would be "subjects" and "overlords", seeing as the Green Hills are in West Gondor. Boromir doesn't dispute or question this woman's identity, or even how she got to Rivendell.

We are then treated to DrunkenRapist!Boromir, who tries to grab our heroine out on the balcony:

Quote :

"Just a little dance" he grabbed her by the arm and stumbled onto her proceeding to smell her hair.

Fortunately, Legolas is there in time to protect Amélie from having her hair randomly smelt:

Quote :

In a flash Boromir was off her, and on the floor "Ouch" he bawled. "Get your filthy hands off her" Legolas was standing beside Amélie now. The look in his blue eyes was intense, fierce. "Thank you" said Amélie shakily "You should be more careful" Legolas spoke coldly.

The formatting has gone to hell. A shame the author passes up the opportunity for a couple of Tom Swifties.

Amélie then bumps into Elrond, who asks her about her evening. Amélie compliments the ceiling decorations, and certainly doesn't mention the Boromir incident (in fact, she doesn't even think about the Boromir incident).

Elrond then, out of the blue, decides that the Fellowship can take Amélie home to West Gondor. The fact that the Fellowship are on a deadly dangerous mission to the East, which would involve mountains and, you know, the Ring of Power, doesn't seem to faze him. Apparently the stars decree that she should go with the group. Oh dear.
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Denethor



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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:58 am

Chapter Three

Quote :

So it would be ten now, not nine who made the fellowship.

Not that the original nine had any say, I suppose. Seeing that Tenth Walker fics innately screw with the story's symbolism, you'd think someone would object.

We are also provided with a running countdown of dates. November 23rd: Boromir brings flowers to her room. December 1st: Gandalf turns up and quotes Winnie the Pooh at her (no, I'm not kidding). Early December: Aragorn gives her sword lessons five days a week. Presumably he gives her weekends off. There is no mention of the Ring, or even that Amélie knows about it.

Then she has a bath and puts on her travelling clothes:

Quote :

The clothes Imladrien gave her were similar to that of a male elf. Olive green leggings that clung to her hips and showed her figure

So male Elves wear leggings to show off their figures? I had no idea Elves were so fashion conscious.

Legolas later finds her sleeping on the way South:

Quote :

Legolas noticed how she was shivering; he moved over to her, and gently pulled her cloak over her body. Amélie stirred, and he stayed still for a moment watching as she calmed, he watched closely as her lips parted; and he felt the urge to touch her face. He began to move his hand towards her, but suddenly resisted.

That's right, Legolas. Resist the Sue!

The chapter (currently the latest one) concludes with Legolas grabbing Amélie and pulling her down to hide her from crebain. Sam gets mentioned for the first time; there is still no reference to either Frodo or the Ring. Amélie has yet to do anything to warrant Legolas' attention beyond being pretty in a dress, and is a deadweight utterly lacking in personality. Gandalf is probably wishing they'd brought Winnie the Pooh after all.
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Cunovendus
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Wed Apr 30, 2014 3:54 am

This is brilliant!

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"It's funny that you awake but three days after the halfling" the fair woman stated.

Wow, what a coincidence!! Two people were injured and in need of healing, and they both recovered within three days of each other! When does that ever happen?

So basically, they picked up a complete stranger for no reason, asked her name, found out that she shared a surname with the Lord of the Green Hills (even though Gondorians don't have surnames), and they don't even bother to validate this claim. They just immediately believe her, give her a free dress, and invite her to a secret gathering (nobody questions the fact that she was found either naked, or wearing clothes made from materials that don't exist in ME either).

Quote :
"I haven't had a woman in ages!" he whispered.

You're the son of the Steward of Gondor. You're the closest they have to royalty. Somehow I find it hard to believe that women aren't throwing themselves at you every day.

Quote :
On her way back to the party, Amélie drank some water and bumped into Elrond.

What is it with Sues and bumping into people? Does nobody ever watch where they're going, or is everybody so blinded by her beauty that they can't actually see her?

Quote :
"The road will be dangerous, however I fear sending you out any other way will lead to a worse fate."

Yes, sending her with an armed escort to Gondor will be far more dangerous than sending her with a group heading into the heart of Mordor, carrying an item that Sauron's right-hand men are personally searching for.

Quote :
On November 23rd he brought flowers to her room to whcih she opened the door and scoffed "Get away from me or I will cut you down."

He's one of the best fighters in ME. I'd like to see you try. .......no actually, scratch that. I really don't want to see you try. Rolling Eyes

Quote :
The clothes that Imladrien gave her were similar to that of a male elf. Olive green leggings that clung to her hips and showed her figure...

Because male elves always wear leggings that cling to the hips of a female figure.

In chapter three, Legolas is impressed by her 'determination', and the fact that she 'doesn't give up' when climbing a particularly steep hill (something all of the characters are more than capable of doing, since I don't remember steep hills ever being an issue in the books - apart from the Pass of Caradras maybe).

Quote :
He heard her soft voice calling "Mum, Heidi, where are you?"

But I thought she couldn't remember who she was!! How can she know that she has a sister called Heidi, but not know anything else about her life before now?

Quote :
"Why do I want to touch her? Why do I watch her? Why am I so fascinated by her?"

An excellent question, though a better one would be "why have we switched to Legolas' point of view all of a sudden, when the rest of the story is exclusively told from the author's?".

Seriously, the Tauriel/Kili romance was better written and better developed than this, and that's really saying something. I'm not opposed to the idea of a Legomance, because it could work if done properly, but there has to be something there...damn you Tauriel, why didn't you just be Legolas' love interest and put an end to this?? (actually that's probably because she was worried about suethors killing her or turning her evil)
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Wed Apr 30, 2014 3:03 pm

This fic is a good one. I'm particularly impressed by the bouncy castle forest in the first sentence and the way the author, despite the logical obstacles, managed to invoke the common dimensional transfer method of getting hit by a car.
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Denethor



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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Thu May 01, 2014 8:26 pm

Fourth Chapter is now up.

Chapter Four

We start off with an account of how the Fellowship have abandoned fires, and how it is getting colder. The Fellowship have presumably stopped using fires because they don't want to attract attention - as someone who has read the book, I know this, but it'd have been nice for the fic author to spell this out, or perhaps have the characters talk about it. You know, get them to show a bit of personality?

Quote :

She listened to Gandalf's advice about books worth reading

Winne the Pooh?

Quote :

It was twilight

Which explains much.

Quote :

on an early January day and the group felt very cold, deciding to start a fire for the first time in days. Sam caught a rabbit and thought it'd be a waste not to make a stew.

The Fellowship don't want to get caught. But what the hell, let's start one to make some stew (this makes sense with Frodo and Sam later, because they're less paranoid. Gandalf and Aragorn know better). Not sure how Sam caught that rabbit though, seeing as he doesn't have any trapping experience, and later in the book relies on Gollum.

We are then treated to jokes about bearded dwarf women, and Gimli and the hobbits are said to be very disappointed that Amélie wants a taller guy. A shame. Amélie would be much more interesting if she had a midget fetish and kept chasing Pippin.

Oh yes, and Boromir is still a creepy pervert. Poor guy always suffers the character assassination.

Then comes a dream sequence. Since Amélie doesn't have any personality beyond sleeping, dreams are all we have. Not that it distracts from this sorry excuse for a storyline...

Quote :

It was a sunny day in the cottage. Amélie's mum was in the garden watering the powder blue hydrangeas

Credit where credit is due. Nice bit of precision with the hydrangeas. Though I thought Amélie couldn't remember her real-world family?

Quote :

as Heidi was lying on a blanket and humming her own tune. Amélie felt peaceful, she looked into her teacup and jumped when she saw a black slimy liquid overflowing her cup.

That's what you get for not adding milk to your tea.

Quote :

Suddenly she looked forward, the garden, the cottage, all in black. Heidi was sinking in the black mud, Amélie tried to help her, but before she could get to Heidi she had already disappeared. On her knees she dug her hands into the gooey blackness, reaching for her sister, but her legs began sinking. Amélie screamed and shut her teary eyes, clenching her fists.

Theory = the black mud represents this story. The characters are sinking into its gooey depths, never to be seen again.

The dream then switches to Elves playing A Postcard to Henry Purce on the cello. She dreams of dancing with Legolas and feels all warm and tingly. Quite why Legolas would want her remains a mystery.
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Fri May 02, 2014 6:24 am

Might just be me, but is car accident world transfer a huge thing? I always thought it was just from sleeping or interdimensional rifts caused by the canon breaking so badly upon the Sue's entrance into the story?
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Sat May 03, 2014 4:11 am

Kakashifan727 wrote:
Might just be me, but is car accident world transfer a huge thing?

Yes, car crashes are a popular method of Middle Earth insertion. I don't know why, but I've seen it used several times. It seems to be the most popular method of bamfing into an English speaking Middle Earth, landing in the forest close enough to Rivendell to be picked up by Aragorn and his party of hobbits, and ultimately joining the Fellowship.
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Sun May 04, 2014 7:22 pm

Kakashifan727 wrote:
Might just be me, but is car accident world transfer a huge thing?

Car accidents, suicide and lightning strikes seem to be the popular ones.
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Denethor



Join date : 2014-04-29

PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Mon May 05, 2014 4:09 am

And the next Chapter now up. At least this is an enthusiastic crappy fic.

Chapter Five

Quote :

Amélie looked at the icicles hanging from the tips of her hair; she wondered how long they'd already been trudging through the snow.

Yes, how long have those icicles been trudging through the snow? Seriously though, if you're wearing your hood up, you shouldn't be getting icicles. Clearly Amélie wears her hood down in a blizzard.

Quote :

At that moment snow began crashing down towards the group, "It's Saruman!" cried Gandalf.

OK, so this confirms we're in movie-verse, not Book!Middle-earth (where Caradhras is quite malevolent in its own right). Which means that Creepy!Boromir is being played by Sean Bean. Poor guy.

The snow falls directly onto Amélie. For a Sue, she is certainly accident-prone. She now remembers stuff. Then Legolas pulls her out, and carries her:

Quote :

... "Am I heavy?" she asked bashfully "Light as a feather" he smiled down at her.

Elf or no Elf, Legolas isn't carrying an adult human female over a mountain pass. Even if it does mean we're technically dealing with Nine Walkers again.

In fact, Legolas carries her all the way from Caradhras to Moria. Talk about a character being a deadweight...

So we come to the Doors of Moria, and the lake. Note that apart from Strong!Legolas and Creepy!Boromir, none of the other characters have had any characterisation whatsoever. That's the horrible thing about Sues - they overshadow the characters we really want to read about, and twist the characters who do get a mention (in this case Legolas and Boromir) into figures who are defined only by how they interact with the Sue.

But just as we start to dread the prose becoming harmlessly mediocre, the Watcher in the Water comes to the rescue:

Quote :

At that moment a tentacle surged out of the water and clutched at Frodo, pulling him into the murky water. Aragorn took a clean swipe with his sword, cutting through the tentacle. More tentacles burst out and started pulling at Frodo again. Gimli swung his great axe, Legolas shot with his bow and Amélie for the first time felt angry.

Priceless. Amélie goes charging at the monster, as you do when you've only had a few weeks training. The creature opens its mouth, and Amélie runs back to the group. Because no-one else has charged the monster. Though at least it had the courtesy to let go of Frodo (I think - the fic doesn't specify him getting free).

Quote :

She dashed back to the group and into the door of the mines...

She ran into the door? I don't think that's quite what the author meant to say. The word is "through".

And then the ceiling and walls collapse, leaving the Fellowship stuck in Moria...
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Denethor



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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Thu May 08, 2014 3:46 am

Three more chapters to play with. Yay.

Chapter Six

The problem with this chapter, and the way the story is progressing in general, is that we're reduced to getting episodic summaries of Movie!LOTR, interspersed with the occasional account of Legolas and Amélie looking at each other. For all the faults of the earlier chapters, we were at least dealing with an original storyline independent of LOTR. Here, we get a bare-bones plot and zero characterisation.

Anyway, the Fellowship are trudging through Moria:

Quote :

The air was damp, rusty, and foul.

Musty? Or is the air metalic?

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"So now we have some time" Aragorn began "what do you remember about your family? About your world?" Amélie sat for a while thinking; "My sister is nearly 10, that's if the time here and the time in my world corresponds. She loves art, as do I, but my mother is only an artist in the Kitchen. She makes the best spaghetti you could ever imagine!" she chuckled. "What is spaghetti?" Legolas' eyes shone a dark azure in the darkness. "If we ever make it out of here, I will make it for you" she smiled.

The formatting hasn't improved, the sudden acceptance of other worlds is clumsy, and the dark azure bit is good old-fashioned overwriting, but with the spaghetti scene we are at least getting some character interaction.

Amélie goes on to describe electricity and our world. The Fellowship "listen with great interest," then fall asleep in their enthusiasm. No-one thinks of the obvious, namely that she is simply mad.

Quote :

Amélie was surprised to find that Legolas was also a vegetarian. "Elf kinds usually don't eat meat" he smiled

Yes, they do. The Mirkwood Elves in The Hobbit have meat at feasts, and there are meats at Rivendell too. Canon!Legolas very likely eats meat; he likes hunting, doesn't he?

Then we arrive at the Chamber of Mazarbul:

Quote :

Amélie wanted to comfort [Gimli] but before she could she heard a loud clang as if a loud iron ball was bouncing on stone.

But clang implies a resonant sound. An iron ball on stone wouldn't do that. In any case, an odd sentence.

It's Pippin and the well, of course. This is Movieverse.

So the Orcs show up:

Quote :

Amélie saw as Frodo pulled out his sword, glowing blue.

Is it Amélie, Frodo, or the sword that is glowing?

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Amélie saw as Aragorn and Boromir barred the large stone doors, trying to close them.

Clearly, Amélie's watching the movie. Not sure how you can bar a door without closing it though.

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With a thud the battle began;

Thud? What thud?

Quote :

Amélie swung at the orcs running towards her, cutting one head clean off a smaller orc and then turning to stab a larger one in its black heart.

Small orcs have multiple heads?

The cave troll turns up, Legolas kills it, then they all do a runner to the bridge, pursued by the Orcs and the Balrog (alas, we aren't told if this Balrog has wings).

Quote :

Amélie was terriified of falling, she looked down and saw and[sic] endless drop. Unable to move Legolas called out to her "Look at me! You will not fall!" he promised. She looked to him and his eyes did not lie. She trusted him and ran over the bridge.

Not sure why Legolas should be unable to move. Seriously though, I'd have thought that not watching where you're going would be unwise here: she's running across a rail-less bridge that spans a deep abyss.

The Balrog turns up and confronts Gandalf.

Quote :

Fire flared from its nostrils and between it's[sic] black teeth.

Moral of the story, Balrog's don't brush their teeth.

Then Gandalf and the Balrog take their predictable plunge. Give us some plot divergence, damn it. We're reduced to reading a summarised LOTR movie plot with a Mary Sue following them around, but not actually doing anything.
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Cunovendus
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Thu May 08, 2014 4:22 am

Quote :

"What is spaghetti?" Legolas' eyes shone a dark azure in the darkness. "If we ever make it out of here, I will make it for you" she smiled.

Two points here: firstly, as we're clearly in movie-verse, I seem to remember Legolas having brown eyes. When did they suddenly become blue? (I don't think an eye colour was specified in the book) Secondly, does she actually make her own spaghetti? Because buying it and boiling it in a pan is not the same as making it. Also, is she planning to make her own pasta within Middle Earth, or is she somehow implying that Legolas will be coming back to Earth with her?

Quote :
Quote :

Amélie was surprised to find that Legolas was also a vegetarian. "Elf kinds usually don't eat meat" he smiled

Yes, they do. The Mirkwood Elves in The Hobbit have meat at feasts, and there are meats at Rivendell too. Canon!Legolas very likely eats meat; he likes hunting, doesn't he?

Oh dear. She probably got that from the film of The Hobbit. IIRC, there's a scene in which the elves in Rivendell serve the dwarves food, and the dwarves complain about the lack of meat (despite the fact that no such thing was hinted at in the book), and took that to mean that all elves are vegetarians.

Either that, or she's one of those authors who likes to make sure the love interest echoes her own interests in every way, so if she's a vegetarian, Legolas must also be a vegetarian, or there can be no romance.

Quote :

Amélie swung at the orcs running towards her, cutting one head clean off a smaller orc and then turning to stab a larger one in its black heart.

Just a quick question: has anybody ever read a Tenth Walker fic in which the Mary Sue self insert doesn't suddenly have proficiency in melee combat? In the book, it doesn't even state that the hobbits got involved with that fight, the implication being that Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli and Legolas are the only ones really proficient in combat, since they've had...you know...years of practice and experience. A few months of friendly sparring isn't going to give you that.
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Sun May 11, 2014 1:04 am

Can now link to the story. Here it is:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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Denethor



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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Sun May 11, 2014 1:45 am

Chapter Seven

Quote :

Eight reached the sunlight and felt the sunlight on their faces. One left in darkness of Moria, fell into shadow.

8 + 1 = 9. What happened to this being a Tenth Walker fic? Have the Fellowship ditched our Sue? Please, please, please...

No such luck, unfortunately. Our protagonist is still there.

Quote :

As she looked upon the flowers she picked one and held it tight; she missed her family and she missed Gandalf.

This is where the lack of character development in this fic comes back to bite it. You see, we aren't shown Gandalf. We aren't shown why he is loved and appreciated by everyone else. Certainly, anyone familiar with the wider story knows these things, but in the context of this particular fic, we have barely seen our Sue interact with Gandalf. In this fic, he's just some guy who talks about books with her and quotes Winnie the Pooh.

This lack of development means when he falls, there is a disconnect between we as readers and the emotions of Amélie. She's showing emotion beyond that which is justified by the action. In short, the fic has become a melodrama.

Anyway, the Fellowship turns up at Lothlórien, and gets intercepted by Elves. The Lothlórien Elves disappoint a bit by giving themselves away with rustling in the branches. More curious though is the lack of precision in language:

Quote :

After much negotiation, and mostly due to having a dwarf in the party, the elves agreed to bring the party to Lothlórien.

So the Elves decided to let the Fellowship in because Gimli is there?

The Fellowship is blindfolded, and led onwards. At last they are told to take the blindfolds off:

Quote :

Tall trees with white and silver trunks the size of houses, carved staircases spiraling[sic] around them.

Tree trunks the size of houses? Bearing in mind, Amélie isn't talking one room medieval huts - she's talking about modern (Western) houses. Apparently the widest real-life tree is in Mexico, and is 11.62 metres in diameter. That gives an area of 106 square metres - smaller than average new house size in France (112 square metres), but larger than the UK (76 aquare metres). So yes, depending on country, a house could fit into the interior of the world's widest tree. Not sure about the Lothlórien trees though.  

So they meet Galadriel:

Quote :

"Welcome to Lothlórien, you have travelled far and are weary. Your quest stands on the edge of aknife[sic]. Stray but a little and it willfail[sic], to the ruin of all...

Except that there hasn't been a single mention of the One Ring in the entire fic. What Quest? The Quest to take our protagonist home?

Our Sue gets herself a separate room and facilities "because she's a lady". The facilities include a furo bathtub, because evidently Lothlórien Elves are part-Japanese.
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Sun May 11, 2014 7:05 am

Quote :
Frodo was weak from the wound inflicted by the troll

Oh dear lord...he was bruised and winded! The spear didn't wound him because he was wearing mithril mail!! Or did you forget the part in the film where he says "I'm not hurt"?

Quote :
She felt that at that moment she could have done it. She could have just told him how she felt and kissed him. 'He is weak right now' she reminded herself.

Luckily for her, Legolas has been reduced to a state where he needs Mary Sue to comfort him. How convenient.

She also seems to have missed the part where the elves were so silent that they took everybody by surprise, even Legolas himself! Did we even watch the same film??

Quote :
Amélie thanked Haldir and walked outside with him as he left, she saw Legolas from the top of the trunk 'Is he watching me?' she wondered. Haldir laughed softly "it seems someone is envious that I have taken you here."

Poor Legolas has become a creepy jealous stalker as well. Why are people who are obsessed with Legolas so ready to destroy his character in order to make their own character love him? Why not just write a new elf character and make him resemble Orlando Bloom, who fits the character that you want, and romance him instead?

eta: It gets worse. In chapter 8, she looks into Galadriel's Mirror, sees an image of her and Legolas getting married, then Legolas dead on a battlefield. Galadriel tells her that:

Quote :
"You have time, you are here for a reason Amélie, and you must follow your heart."

She suddenly realises that she is in love with Legolas, and that she "needs to tell him how she feels". Apparently this will somehow avert his death.

Quote :
He turned and looked at her "Amélie" he whispered softly. "I need to tell you" Amilie choked, stopping in front of him shakily. "Your cold" he took her hand.

I don't remember her suffering from a cold. (that's probably not what she meant to say)

Quote :
"Legolas…. I…" she trembled. Their eyes met, his azure eyes melting into hers.

His eyes melted? How did they do that??

Quote :
"Last night, when I came to your room, I wanted to tell you how I felt about you. I have wanted you since the moment I first saw you in Rivendell" he sighed "I have been such a fool, keeping quiet, being unfriendly; I thought that a love like ours would be impossible. A human and an elf! My father would never agree to it."

And here we have the Twu Wub confession. Although she did get the part about his father never agreeing to it right.

Quote :
As they lay there in each other's arms, under the cherry blossoms, as if by magic the blossoms began to fall; landing on the sleeping lovers as they lay, blissfully content.

Does Lothlorien even have cherry trees? Or just magic ones that drop their leaves on sleeping lovers?
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Tue May 13, 2014 10:35 am

Chapter 9, in which the relationship between Amelie and Legolas develops...They snuggle a bit, and Legolas names her "Lady Elothia". Why he is so fascinated by her is still not made clear.

Quote :
As they reached the dock, the party saw them and cheered, clapping their hands, apart from Aragorn, arms crossed, smiling from afar. Boromir did not look too impressed at all.

Why did they care?

Also, why is it so common in fiction for female characters to be lusted after by everybody? Is it every woman's dream to be squabbled over by several guys, or do women actually have to contend with this in real life, and are therefore bringing their own experiences into the story? I don't actually know, so if somebody can clarify this point, it'd be appreciated.

Quote :
After Galadriel gave all the men gifts, they began to get into the boats. "A moment Miss Amélie" Galadriel reached for her. "I have not yet given you your gift"

Why does Amelie even get a gift? She's supposed to be going to Gondor...at least that's how this story has been telling it. The others got gifts because they were out on a quest to save the world, and Galadriel wanted to help them succeed. She doesn't just give out rare and expensive magic items to anybody who happens to pass through her domain.

Quote :
"...When the star turns green, it is a warning that something evil approaches, it may turn other colours but that is for you to decide what they mean"

Shouldn't it be glowing quite brightly when in constant proximity to the One Ring?

Quote :
They rowed for a while before Amélie's arms began to ache; she passed the ores to Gimli.

Did I miss something here? When did they go mining?

On the boat trip, she suddenly becomes an expert at origami, and makes Legolas a flower. The entire trip down the Anduin is condensed into one paragraph during which she jokes with Gimli about Saruman wearing women's underwear, while Legolas continues to admire her for reasons still unexplained, and we suddenly skip to the scene where the breaking of the Fellowship happens.

Quote :
She walked over the fallen leaves, no longer green but brown and grey, crunching beneath her feet and suddenly heard shouting between Frodo and Boromir. She ran towards the sound of the quarrel and noticed a green glow emitting from her pendant.

Of course, it sensed Evil Boromir. Rolling Eyes

Quote :
"The question I should ask is what are you doing here, little elf's bitch" She suddenly realized that this situation was dangerous, and decided to run back to the party.

He was supposed to state quite clearly that "a madness took me but it has passed!", but instead he tries to rape her, for some reason. Never mind Frodo, who's just run off as a result of his actions. He's more concerned with telling her that she's "not supposed to do elves".

Quote :
Adrenaline filled her body and suddenly her eyes turned wild, and with all her strength she bit Boromir's hand. She bit so hard that it pierced through his gloves and deep into his flesh.

Bite through leather...yeah, good luck with that.

She then escapes from Boromir's grasp and runs straight into the grasp of an uruk hai.

I also love how we never read this from Boromir's point of view. It's either hers or Legolas', but we never see Boromir's perspective, or find out why he's so obsessed with her. I suppose we're supposed to simply read it as "evil Boromir tries to rape her all the time because he's so evil".
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Fri May 16, 2014 3:09 am

I seem to have inadvertently taken over this one, sorry! In chapter 10, Amelie wakes up, having been kidnaped by orcs. They're about to bet her and rape her and give her posion. Wink

On a side note, can we give the author brownie points for actually allowing herself to be captured, and not fighting off the entire uruk hai scouting party with her 2 months of martial arts training?

Quote :
She saw behind her both Merry and Pippin had been taken too. 'Legolas!' she worried what had happened to him, but was afraid to make a sound.

She's been captured by orcs, and she's concerned only for what might have happened to Legolas? Not what might be about to happen to Merry and Pippin, or herself? Also, you don't do italics and quote marks!! It's one or the other...if the character is thinking, you do italics, and if he's speaking you do quote marks.

Quote :
Amélie froze for a moment, but felt something in her back pocket 'The leaf paper!' She began slowly folding the paper leaf, making the origami flower that she had given Legolas before. Once it was done she dropped it. 'That should show him I am okay' she thought.

Hey! That was Merry's thing, the dropping of the elvish brooch as a message to the others!

Quote :
Legolas couldn't find her anywhere and began to panic. "The Uruk Hai have her" Aragorn watched as Legolas fell helplessly to his knees. "I have failed her" he looked to the ground in despair.

Legolas simply gives up? I guess he didn't care for her after all. Wink Also, never mind about Merry and Pippin.

Quote :
Amélie's headache throbbed and body ached as the gruesome orc dropped her to the ground like a bag of sand.

This is just me being pedantic, but headaches don't throb, they cause one's head to throb!

Quote :
She shivered as the orc grunted; looking at her with its horrible yellow eyes, picking at its teeth with ghastly talons.

Orcs have talons now? This must be a new breed of flying uruk hai!!

Quote :
The orcs began complaining before the head orc sliced another head off leaving the group of uruks to feast on the raw flesh of their own kind. Amélie followed suit of Merry and Pippen, cutting her ropes and running towards the forest.

She doesn't seem to have spotted that there were both Morgul and Isengard orcs there, and they didn't get on. Hence the arguing/fighting.

Anyway, with Rohan's horse archers conspicuously absent, the orc who almost catches Merry but gets flattened by Treebeard almost catches Amelie instead, and she pretends to make a deal with him to lead him to the hobbits. Of course, he instantly believes her, and she secretly does more origami to leave a trail through Fangorn Forest. Eventually, she tries to make her escape, but the orc stabs her...with a poisoned blade? When did orcs carry blades around that are permanently poisoned? Or don't tell me that you think all orcs carry Morgul blades now...please don't!

Quote :
Amélie squealed in pain before pulling the knife out and running with the last of her strength, impaling the orc directly through its throat.

And it just stood there and let you do that, did it?

Quote :
Legolas saw her under the tree, fear filled his heart. He thought for a moment that he would rather die, than live a life without her.

We still don't know why Legolas has so much emotional attachment to this woman. All we know is that he fancied her when he first met her, but if that's enough to want to die rather than live without someone then I officially died in November 2012.

Quote :
They had already found Gandalf, and in their group they quickly searched for athelas to put on her wound.

"they had already found Gandalf". No shock and awe as she realises that he's not actually dead. This is almost as bad as "we came to help and also we got rid of the ring"!

Quote :
"I am so sorry! I should never have taken my eyes away from you! Stay with me"

How about "I am so sorry, we never should have taken you on this incredibly dangerous quest!"?

Quote :
He held her in his arms until they reached their horses (gifted from the riders of Rohan) and then carried her onto his horse...

A group of people with whom the reader has not yet been acquainted are referred to simply in parentheses, as a 'by the way'? Stories are supposed to be self contained, you have to either mention the fact that there were Riders of Rohan prior to this, or have Aragorn mention that a group of Rohan horse archers slaughtered the orcs and gave them two of their horses...or something that indicates their role in the story! You can't write stories that assume everybody reading it knows the film inside out. It's like that Half Life fic where an antagonist is referred to simply as "the bad guy from the game", it doesn't work!
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Mon May 19, 2014 4:45 am

Chapter 11: It's just getting silly now.

Quote :
After Gandalf the White brought back Theoden from darkness, Legolas then brought Amélie to a chamber to recover from her own darkness.

Who is Gandalf the White? Who is Theoden? Why was he in darkness? This story isn't exactly self-contained. Also, isn't the fact that the King of Rohan is in darkness supposed to be in some way significant?...of course not. The only thing the reader cares about is Legolas' woman. The thing about Lord of the Rings is that the whole story was bigger than just one character. Yes, Frodo was the big hero, but other stuff was happening all around the world which was just as significant. Only half of each book dealt with Frodo and his quest.

Quote :
He removed his cloak and grinned at her. She couldn't believe it. "Dad?" her eyes filled with tears. Amélie's father had gone missing when she was 16. He had left one night for a run and never returned, all assumed he was dead.

So...apparently her father really was a Gondorian noble? Apparently, he bamfed in to Middle Earth some time ago, and didn't go missing after all. That at least explains why they recognised her. But wait...how did her father suddenly become a Gondorian noble?

Quote :
"I awoke in a place, Pinnath Gelin; and there I met a man who claimed I was his brother. He made me Captain."

...ah. That's how. Because that happens all the time...strangers show up and get promoted to Captain, because they resemble somebody's brother. Does he even know the first thing about being a Captain?

Quote :
"What news from my father and how does he?" Legolas smiled. "I am afraid I have come with ill news" the elf not looking directly into Legolas' eyes "He has told me to tell you to refrain from courting this mortal … a Miss Amélie Defrise"

Aw, the old forbidden love tale. Surely this will mean a lot of character development, as both characters struggle against the customs of their world...and by the way, how did Thranduil even know??

Quote :
Legolas had thought about this indeed, but he knew he loved her only. Why would his father not give consent?

He's just told you why!

Quote :
"You may return to Mirkwood and tell my father that I will ask her to be mine, that I love her. And if he does not consent, then I shall give up the throne!"

He's willing to give up everything for this woman whom he barely knows, and still has no reason to admire. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised...after all, this seems to happen a lot in films and tv shows, so people who watch these films/shows like to think that that's how it works in the real world. I'm not saying it doesn't, but it generally takes a bit more than 5 minutes of poorly written dialogue (Tauriel, I'm still looking at you!!).

Chapter 12, in which the Battle at Helms Deep happens.

Quote :
It had been decided that the party would pack their things and leave Edoras. They would make for Helm's Deep to fight Saruman's army.

When did they decide that? I thought they went there for protection against Saruman's army, not to fight them! If a country that relies heavily on horse archers wants to fight an army of mainly foot, doing it inside a fortress is probably the worst option one can think of! They went there to keep the people safe, not to fight.

Quote :
Amélie rode Dancer along the road to Helms Deep, Legolas and Gimli to her left; her father to her right.

Gimli!! I'd forgotten about him! How has our dwarf companion been these last couple of chapters where he hasn't been seen at all?

Quote :
Young boys not yet thirteen dressed in chainmail that dangled on their juvenile bodies.

Mail does not dangle! It is made from rings that are interlocked with the rings above, below, and to either side of it. There's no room for dangling, it doesn't dangle any more than a wooly jumper dangles!

Quote :
She looked at Legolas and saw the same sad expression that was on her own face. Above all, she would protect him.

Because he needs protecting, you know. It's not like he's a great elf prince who's a total badass in combat, or anything.

Quote :
"You are to stay in here with the women and children" Amélie's father said seriously.

Who wants to bet that she'll actually sit out the entire battle? Also, Eowyn is suspiciously absent from this scene too. In fact, I haven't seen mention of her, or Eomer, or Theodred, or Gamling, or Grimbold, or Erkenbrand, or any other characters from Rohan!

Quote :
Outside Legolas stood with Gimli and felt the rumble of marching orc as they approached. He could sense the distress of those who surrounded him, though he was extremely relieved to have the aid of fellow elves.

What fellow elves? When did they turn up? Clearly she's referring to Haldir and his Lothlorien contingent, but no mention has been made of them at all in this story. Those who know the book but not the film are going to wonder what the hell she's talking about.

Quote :
Amélie stood up and beamed "Do you not hear that the elves have come to our aid!, they will fight bravely and save us all. But only if we continue to hope!". She saw that all the women and children watched her and the panic in the room lessened.

Of course it did. Mary Sue can sooth one's greatest fears in just a few words.

Quote :
The women knew this song and all began to sing; the song filled the room with hope and courage. She decided to take opportunity of this moment, seeing as the old lady had been so distracted by singing she had not noticed the keys hand fallen on the floor.

  

Quote :
..panicked at the realisation that he had run out of arrows...

Take some from the dead bowmen all around you!!

Quote :
He turned swiftly to the fifth orc who was just about to strike when suddenly it fell to the ground. Behind it Amélie stood with a bloodied sword in her hands. He grabbed his arrows quickly before pressing his back against hers, working in unison to fight off all the approaching creatures.

Well who didn't see that coming?

Quote :
After much fighting and just as they had become almost too weary to fight; they saw a gleam coming from the East.

That's it? No heroic sally by Aragorn and the Rohirrim (Eomer in the book, Theoden in the film)?

There are two more chapters, but I'm getting bored now. Apparently the next one has "sexual connotations". I think the author's note is the best thing about this chapter:

Quote :
found it fitting to follow the film version instead of the book for this part of my story; this chapter is pretty long and involves a lot of romance and at times was difficult to write because of the sexiness thus consumption of wine was needed.

...yeah. I'm sure it was. This whole story has been one 13 chapter long Legolas fantasy fuck-fest, and she needed wine to write this chapter because of the Legolas fantasy fuck-fest. Plus, it's been so true to the book so far that she felt the need to comment that this chapter - not the others, just this one - would follow the film version.

Anyway, they fuck (again), and for some reason, she turns into an elf...apparently Galadriel has the power to do that but couldn't (or wouldn't) do it for Aragorn, yet is perfectly willing to do it for Amelie.

Can somebody else pick this up? I've had enough.
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Mon May 19, 2014 8:39 am

Denethor wrote:
Website wouldn't let me post the link....

Not entirely a bad thing, I suspect.
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Sat May 24, 2014 9:29 am

Sorry for delay. Had a busy week (I see our story has progressed!)

Chapter Eight

Here the melodramatic love story starts to, er, blossom. Literally.

Quote :

Amélie heard an urgent knock at the door; she hurriedly went to answer it. Legolas stood there; he seemed restless as he fidgeted with a leaf in his hands.

Hopefully not a figleaf.

Legolas is smitten with our Sue, an experience that makes him quite tongue-tied..

Quote :

Amélie was puzzled, what had this encounter meant? She had never seen Legolas looking so out of sorts.

Our Sue doesn't quite recognise what is going on, even if it is as subtle as a brick through a window.

Quote :

Another knock on the door, she opened it to find this time not Legolas but Galadriel stood there.

If Galadriel were lusting after Amélie too, thereby setting up an awkward bisexual love triangle, this fic would be greatly improved. Alas, it is not to be.

Galadriel takes Amélie to the Mirror. Quite why she does so is a mystery: Amélie has no relevance to the Ring, which is the entire reason the Quest is passing through Galadriel's realm at all.

Quote :

Suddenly the water seemed to move and she saw a white light fill the mirror. She saw her mother and sister standing on a boat, waving to her and smiling. The image changed quickly and she saw woman[sic] in a white dress running through an arch of flowers, hand in hand with someone. The man she saw was Legolas, only he looked so happy, smiling and laughing as she had never seen. He lifted the woman in his arms and kissed her; on closer inspection she saw the woman was herself. "How?" the image faded and another image showed. She saw Legolas lying on the floor of a battlefield. A knife in his heart, his beautiful face devoid of life; expressionless. "No!" Amélie gasped and stumbled back from the mirror.

Told you it was the stuff of melodrama. I note that whomever decided to put the knife in Legolas' heart decided to leave it there for some reason. And "floor" of a battlefield? Were they fighting indoors?

Galadriel gives Amélie a message about following her heart (at least she's not quoting Winnie the Pooh), and Amélie decides that she needs to tell Legolas how she feels.

Quote :

Their eyes met, his azure eyes melting into hers.

Would it kill our author to use the word 'blue'?

We then get a petting scene, with Amélie and Legolas kissing, and the former running her fingertips over the latter's "hardness in his trousers". Very romance novel.

Quote :

As they lay there in each other's arms, under the cherry blossoms, as if by magic the blossoms began to fall; landing on the sleeping lovers as they lay, blissfully content.

It's not magic, it's gravity. But 10/10 for cheesy romance motifs (are the cherry trees supposed to be symbolic of blossoming sexuality and hymens, or am I overanalysing and giving the author too much credit?)
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PostSubject: Re: Falling Leaves [LOTR - Legomance]   Sat May 24, 2014 9:56 am

KILL IT WITH FIRE!
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