Alright, I'm sitting here waiting for NWN2 to finish downloading all the updates (sigh), and reading the boards and I thought... hey, I should do a snark. I have some time. Ink and I had discussed The Hollows series earlier by Kim Harrison, and started perusing some of the fanfic thereof (ew, lots of femslash, but honestly, to be expected given the books), and I found this little gem which turns Rachel into and OMG VALLEY GIRL who uses lots of exclamation points!
The Things I Can't Say
Alright. To sum up, Rachel is a witch. Her partners are Jenks--a pixie--and Ivy--a living vampire. They run a "runner's" firm called Vampiric Charms, and what runners do is basically arresting nasties which humans can't really handle by themselves. Evidently, Jenks and Ivy are out on a run, and Rachel's at home alone.
- Quote :
- I had a very special run.
That involved me, my looks and being a silent observer... Yeah, I know not really my piece of pie!
Like, Oh my god!
- Quote :
- I put on my special perfume Ivy got me to hide my scent. Tonight I was passing as a human. As an extra cover I would use an amulet to hide my redwood scent.
Redundant things are redundant.
So, Rachel's in the kitchen admiring it and herself, and she gets a call. It's Jenks on the line, and some trouble is brewing!!
- Quote :
- “Ivy is hurt! She got attacked! I was able to get away. They don’t know I was there!”
“ Can you follow them?”
“I did! We are at the zoo! They took her inside. I’m going to go and see where they went! Get your ass here so you can save Ivy’s ass!”
"Like OOH MY GAWD, REALLY?!"
"Ya, really!"
"No wai!"
"Ya wai!"
"Lyke, OOOH MY GAWD!"
- Quote :
- The phone went dead. I looked at it.
LIIIIIVE, DAMN YOU!
And so Rachel races across town to go rescue Ivy and Jenks. When she gets there, Jenks fills her in. Evidently someone got the drop on Ivy and knocked her out. And put her in the tiger cage. Rawr.
- Quote :
- “ The tiger cage!! Where they put that wild tiger they found last month?”
No, the other tiger cage where they put in the polar bears!
- Quote :
- The tiger had seemingly come out of nowhere a month ago! He had attacked four people and killed one of them! It had taken four attempts to get him to sleep and put him in the cage!
Like, no way! ZOMG!
And even though Rache spent a lot of time admiring her looks, she neglected her feet:
- Quote :
- I was running around looking like a human diva, with charms and a gun and slippers on my feet!
Hon, you don't look anything like a diva if you have slippers on. Trust me.
She gets attacked, by the EVAL ley line witches. They attempt to break her circle of protection, but Rachel won't give up!
- Quote :
- If they where going to try I was going to burn their chi’s to ash.
If they were where what, she was going to burn their what? *scratches head*
Ok. I'm sure there are some more snark-worthy lines in here, but the syntax is horrible, the spelling is bad, the story is laughable, and the exclamation points are driving me crazy! Crazy! LIKE OH MY GOD, IT BURNS!