A Twisted Fairytale--Featuring Chaos, Yuffie, exclamation points, and a special snark guest (NWS)

Last edited by Delcat on Wed Jun 17, 2009 11:05 am; edited 1 time in total

Guten tag, Nomads. While I've kinda-sorta done my bit in christening the new boards with my participation in "I've been waiting", a friend of many years asked if we could snark something together and the fresh material is begging to be posted. My good buddy Dap and I (known as a duo by the colloquial band name "Pterodactyl Deodorant and the Weeping Cocks") bring you A Twisted Fairytale. Is there gratuitous rape? You bet your sweet bleeding ass there is!

Dap: We should start with something momentous.
Del: You think so?

Quote :: “Well maybe if you had agreed to strip poker instead…” Barret teased. There was no doubt that Tifa was desired, if only for physical reasons, by nearly every man she met. She was beautiful, strong, kind, and amazingly well-endowed.

Tifa groped herself playfully, the alcohol obviously getting to her, “It wouldn’t be fair. I can’t find a bra big enough for these things!”

Del: Tifa's titties are always momentous. And oh my God, Barret in a fanfic! It's a blue moon AND the planets are in alignment! Well, until Sephiroth destroys them, anyway.
Dap: This is what women with large breasts think about all the time, right? Their breasts?
Del: I know I do. Aw hell yeah.
Dap: OK. Just for accuracy's sake.

Quote :: Cid, Cloud, and Barret were only left speechless given an excuse to stare, mouths agape. Even Red, not attracted to the human beauty, had to take a lingering look only out of morbid curiosity. He was still a male after all. Why not try to grasp the concept of human beauty.

Del: No, fic, we are not going there. ...again. Three times plus the one where he topped Hojo was enough.
Dap: "grasping the concept of human beauty" by staring at the drunk chick groping herself? C'mon, Red. You can do better than this. Have some pride.
Del: Note that we're refraining from "pussy" jokes, audience. That's just how classy we are.

Quote :: B-bump! B-bump!

His temples were pounding. The buzzing of the lights screamed in his ears. Their laughter, their very presence was stabbing at him. He excused himself and headed into the darkness of the corridors ahead. He slowly crept towards his room.

B-bump!

The floor came flying towards him, then blackness…

Dap: Poor guy has an awful stutter.
Del: Changing into a demon that represents inner torment and raping everything in sight isn't normal. But on Mako, it is. Mako: Not Even Once.

Quote :: There she was, his princess. She lay there curled into a ball under the blankets. Her little hands were gripping the sheets below her. Her normally glowing face was grimaced due to the unpleasant motions of the ship. He gently took her hand away from the sheet, careful not to graze her with his claw. Her tube-top lifted easily over her head revealing creamy white breasts, small but perfect.

Del: Okay, yeah, can you maybe try to write it like Vincent ISN'T a pedophile? Although he is...thirty plus twenty-seven...three times Yuffie's age.
Dap: I find it difficult to see Vincent thinking of anyone as his "princess", especially in the mollycoddling way that's presented. I sort of imagine him buying her a tiara and a wand. Also, you read between the lines and you discover that if Yuffie weren't airsick, you could find your way across the room by the light of her glowing face.
Del: Well, she is a teenager. A little cleanser will help that.
Dap: Mako hurts you. Second-hand Mako hurts those you love.

Quote :: A muffled scream! A monster, a demon! He was touching her, kissing her. He probed her mouth with an elongated tongue. She struggled to push him away, put he simply held her small wrists above her head using a golden claw.

Del: Golden claw? Oh great, it's the prettyboy Stu Chaos from DoC. When I was your age, we were raped by a hulking Judeochristianic demon and we LIKED it! ...oh hell yeah, we liked it. Unf unf unf. (Kisses, Mal.)
Dap: I'm going to make a point of singling out the moments of stream-of-consciousness poetry the author has chosen to insert into this fic.
A muffled scream! A monster, a demon!
Hideous bricks on the walls of my childhood--
They'll always be watching.
Performed with bongo accompaniment.

Quote :: With a sudden movement, too fast for the ninja’s eyes, he was upon her again, fangs grazing across every inch of exposed flesh.

Dap: That would take a while.
Del: I'm getting this mental image of him just kind of lawnmowering over her skin inch by inch until she gets bored and kicks his kidneys out his nose.
Dap: Is he making a square-inch grid across her skin?
Del: Oh, please, please tell me he's about to make Yuffie the new Pinhead. That would make this fic worth it on so many levels.
Dap: I thought she already was a pinhead.
Del: Thank you, we'll be here all week!

Quote :: “Please stop,” she pleaded. “I can’t… I’ve never… virgin,” was all she could choke out between sobs.

He gave a wicked smile, “I know, princess.”

Panic! Shorts were ripped! Screams!

Del: This is the most enthusiastic rape scene I've ever read.
Dap: He smiles wickedly.
Panic! Shorts were ripped! Then screams!
Hooray, demon rape!

Quote :: He didn’t hesitate to enter her, breaking the hymen with one simple thrust. A despairing scream erupted from her lips. This had to be a nightmare, this must be a nightmare. But the pain was all too real. With each thrust he became more violent, one claw digging into her wrist, the other her hip. Blood spilled from everywhere.

Dap: EVERYWHERE.
Del: Seriously, like the elevator scene from The Shining, but with Yuffie.
Dap: Hey, why is Yuffie like an elevator?
Del: I do not know, Dap, why is Yuffie like an elevator?
Dap: You should never have more than 12 people inside of her at one time!
Del: Thank you, folks! Try the chicken!

Quote :: Her whole body flushed, the smell of female aroma resonating from her frail body.

Del: "Calgon--take me in the ass!" was a less successful ad campaign.
Dap: All I can hear, in my mind's ear, is the cartoon "radioactive emissions" sound, as female aroma resonates from her frail body: "wom...wom...wom...wom...wom..."
Del: Hope they didn't want to have little demon babies.

Quote :: She was his. He knew that before, but she proved it when she quit fighting him, realizing it only made it worse. Her body would heal; she was strong in that way, but he had to rip apart that pride. Total and utter submission was crucial to his plan.

Del: This reminds me of a really good D/s Cid/Vincent story I read once, except with subtle little differences like it was well-written and I really wish I was reading it right now. Oh, and Cid isn't like twelve.
Dap: VINCENT'S PLAN
1) Total and Utter Submission
2) ?????
3) PROFIT!

Quote :: As he reached climax, he tore into his neck, drinking the sweet and salty elixir that flowed from it.

Del: Yuffie: Uh, shouldn't you be drinking my blood?
Chaos: I'm so tasty! God, I love me!
Dap: G-wait-- did he just--?
Del: And he promptly passes out from blood loss and dies.
Dap: Nothing sadder than a narcissistic vampire.

Quote :: She struggled to her feet, her whole body screaming in protest. She had to move forward. A blanket was draped over her as she wobbled towards the bridge. A small trail of blood followed her.

Del: Gosh, sounds like my weekend. Want some Midol, Yuffie?
Dap: He put the blanket over her head so she'd think it was nighttime and she'd fall asleep.
Del: Hey, it works with Cid.

Quote :: “You’re mine; don’t forget that,” he loomed of the shivering girl. One final word slipped past his lips then he left as quickly as he appeared.

“Chaos.”

Dap: Yuffie: How is he looming so coherently?
Del: Chaos: That's my name, don't wear it out! Ha ha, I am such a card.
Dap: It's like he was once a Pokemon, and as much as he'd like to leave that behind, he still says his name aloud every so often as a vestige of who he used to be in simpler times. Charmander and Ivysaur? They SOLD OUT, man.
Del: Oh God, don't. I'm still recovering from that Cideon debacle from '07.

Quote :: Though Cloud carried her to the infirmary, Tifa and Aeris rushed him out. They went to nursing, cleaning, and clothing the injured girl, cursing themselves aloud for allowing something like this to happen.

Del: Tifa: FUCKING FUCKERY SHIT ASS CUNT
Cid: Damn, girl, you're gonna run me out of business!
Aerith: Um...darn?
Dap: Aeris: May a thousand, thousand burning suns wreak their sorrows upon me for all their days, yea, until I am bereft of moisture, until my bones peer through my skin, for I have brought pain and sorrow into this house by my neglect, and may I suffer for it truly, O Ancients that were!
Tifa: O.O

Quote :: “There’s no way in hell a demon could sneak on my ship!” Cid boasted with overconfidence.

Del: Cid: I have had enough of these motherfucking demons on my motherfucking plane!
Dap: OK, Redundancy Check: let's try to boast with underconfidence! "My ship is... pretty... good? It's OK. I mean, there's probably windows or something somewhere? I haven't checked it all. Geez, I'm sorry."

Quote :: “Tell that to Yuffie and her wounds,” Cloud snapped back at him. Yuffie was the token child of the group.

Del: Gosh, this author sure likes to point out how childlike the girl who was just raped and probably will be raped some more is.
Dap: Fuckin' Affirmative Action, forcing them to hire at least one child to maintain their airship.
Del: And all she gets done is mopping up her own sick, seeing as she IS Yuffie. It's a crime, really.
Dap: Well, that and be raped.

Quote :: He was hesitant to let her journey at all, but her skill was great. She proved to them that she could be a vital member of their team. Guilt pangs in his chest were unbearable.

Del: That's Vincent's job, normally. Who rapes the rapist?
Dap: Whoop, never mind, she was very useful... somehow.
Del: Hey, Yuffie is a VERY important team member. She keeps everyone going by the virtue of "The sooner it's over, the sooner she leaves".
Dap: And now she's gonna be here even LONGER, and Cloud's having a heart attack.

Quote :: Hot water cascaded down his body, and he awoke. Groggily he shook his head trying to get a grasp on the situation. He was in the shower?

“Must’ve been sleep walking.” He resolved as he turned off the knobs.

Del: Knobs? He has TWO? Sweet shit, I knew there was a reason I wanted to jump his bones.

Quote :: He slicked his hair back out of his face and grabbed a towel.

Knock! Knock!

Dap: HONK HONK
Del: Who's there?
Interrupting cock!
Interrupting cock wh--
*JIZZ*
Dap: Ladies and gentlemen, the rest of the fic, condensed by Delcat.

Quote :: “Wow,” Tifa whispered struck with the vision before her. She’d never thought of the brooding man as sexy before but damn! He was lean, but so very well sculpted.

Del: Literally. By Hojo. With a scalpel. He doesn't like to talk about it.
Dap: The nipples took DAYS.

Quote :: Vincent nodded and returned inside to dress. He slipped on a silk black night shirt, black slacks, and house shoes. He must have removed his gauntlet before he showered. His arm was greatly scarred from wearing the metal glove, but his left arm had become nearly useless in battle without it.

Del: So...he has nerve damage, and to soothe this, he wears a heavy-ass piece of bronze at all times, apparently without a support harness? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dap: Is this snarking the fic or the original premise?
Del: I've collected over half a dozen theories about how that claw works and carefully constructed one of my own, based on existing prosthetic science and common sense. THIS author threw an idea at the wall and didn't bother to see if it stuck.
...I don't have a creepy mechanical arm fancying thing going on, sh'up.
Dap: Didn't say nothin'.

Quote :: She was sitting up drinking a foreign tea that Aeris had prepared.

“It has amazing healing properties.” She insisted. She had brewed it with rue, not having complete faith in the emergency contraception Tifa had provided.

Dap: Emergency contraception by Tifa: 1 (one) punch to gut
1 (one) admonition "stop cryin' ya sissy"
Del: I had to double-check it, but I was right--rue is, in fact, an herb used to induce abortion. Sweet and innocent flowergirl or back alley hanger surgeon? You, the reader, decide.
Dap: It's sad that the ficwriter checked that fact. It bespeaks... effort.
Del: It's funny how much effort goes into fetishistic content while things like grammar are left to rot.
...this has nothing to do with mechanical arm theories, sh'up.
Dap: Still keepin' mum. Alternately, it's the emotion. In which case the recipe runs:
2 tsp hemlock
1 pinch garlic
1 batwing (powdered)
Add rue to taste

Quote :: Vincent saw her shaking. He took note of each bandage, and it hit him. Those wounds were from restraint, not attacks. It made his blood boil.

Del: Literally. Hojo again.

Quote :: It’s true she was young enough to be his granddaughter, but it didn’t seem to matter as long as he didn’t touch her.

Del: Okay seriously this is creeping me out. Vincent is
not an ephebophile, fic, stop describing him as one in lavish detail.
Dap: This seems sorta like the Five-Second Rule to me.
Del: I thought the Five-Second Rule of rape referred to the age of consent in Japan.
Dap: *ba-dum CHING* Thank you! You're a beautiful audience!

Quote :: This crime would not go unpunished.

Dap: Vincent: Yeah

And so ends the first chapter. But don't go away, kids! With five left to go, you know there are more wacky hymen-bursting hijinks on the horizon!

ETA: We actually have an emoticon for Dap's last riff, holy shit.

Hot and Botherer Join date : 2009-06-10

Quote :: A small trail of blood followed her.

You really have to discourage that early on. I know they're cute when they're small, but the bigger they get the more of a mess they make, and blood is a bitch to wash out.

I can't pick the part I like most.

WHY ARE YOU SO FUNNY AUGH

I also loved the shoutout to Malganis in there.

Sporkbender Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 34

Quote :: Dap: VINCENT'S PLAN
1) Total and Utter Submission
2) ?????
3) PROFIT!

Oh God... the laughing... I can't stop it! Pls to be continuing this snark, for great justice etc.

And This is Why I Need Medication Join date : 2009-06-10

And once again, I have baptized my computer while reading one of your snarks.

It's nice to see FFVII fandom remains basically unchanged from when I first got into it. _____ rapes____. Angst, true love, and (most likely) eventual healing sex results.

WRITE MOAR, PLEASE

I always figured Vincent had, like, a monster arm and he put the bronze claw thing on top of it to disguise it.

Join date : 2009-06-10

Quote :: Disclaimer: Own Final Fantasy and its characters, I do not. Want them, you bet you’re sweet ass I do.

Hey, don't you call me a sweet ass.

Quote :: His temples were pounding. The buzzing of the lights screamed in his
ears. Their laughter, their very presence was stabbing at him. He
excused himself and headed into the darkness of the corridors ahead. He
slowly crept towards his room.

B-bump!

The floor came flying towards him, then blackness…

Hey, is Vincent a Zelda fan? I know those flying floor tiles in LTTP always fucked me up something awful.

Quote :: Her body would heal; she was strong in that way, but he had to rip
apart that pride. Total and utter submission was crucial to his plan.

As he reached climax, he tore into his neck, drinking the sweet and salty elixir that flowed from it. He claimed his pride.

Okay, fine, you've got your pride, but I don't know what you think you're going to do with it since you've already ripped it apart.

My biggest problem with this fic (aside from continuity errors: Aeris on the Highwind?) is that everyone's acting like they don't know Vincent transforms into monsters. For a second I thought Tifa was onto something...

Quote :: Surely the others would find that beast and kill it. Cloud was fuming
when he left. They were all determined, and Vincent seemed to… Vincent!

“Where’s Vincent!?” Tifa suddenly asked.

That's right, Tifa, you're the smart one here!

Quote :: “He said he was ill, remember?” Aeris replied calmly.

Aeris is not, apparently.

Quote :: “But what if that creature attacked him too?! I’m gonna go check!”

Damn it. She has a point, though - everyone rapes Vincent.

Quote :: He knew that she was a princess, a fact that she was determined to hide.

“How?!” She didn’t realize that she was screaming aloud. “How does he know?!”

I'm guessing this is before they all go to Wutai and she STEALS MY FUCKING MATERIA?! ~~Yes I'm still pissed about that.~~

Quote :: Best to just skip Wutai altogether.”

“Nope. Can’t do it. No fucking way.” Cid spoke up, “Unless you wanna
fucking die as the ship runs out of fuel and we all go crashing down
clinging to each other in our last moments before the Lifestream sucks
us all in.”

“Um, no. That’s ok.”

She was considering it for a while there, though.

Quote :: It wasn’t something you could just tell someone…

“He raped her.”

Unless you were Aeris apparently.

HAHAHA nice. Aeris is obviously fed up with all the rape fics. She's probably as desensitized as the rest of us by now.

Quote :: You were sleeping in that coffin before I wasn’t even born.

And Yuffie takes it upon herself to highlight the enormous age gap. I think the author is considering this a fetishistic selling point.

Quote :: “I understand leaving Wutai due to its current state or whatever reason
you have for not wanting to visit your homeland. Eventually, you’ll
have to make peace with it.”

And what better time than immediately after being horribly traumatized?

Quote :: “You know my secret, don’t you?” She finally spoke up.

“Hm? I’m afraid not. Please do not feel obligated to tell me.”

“I’m don’t… but I’ll tell you anyway.”

“Yuffie, don’t-”

“Shh,” she put her finger to his lips, “because it’s a secret, you have to promise not to tell, ok Vinnie?”

Yuffie: I'M GONNA TELL YOU MY SECRET NOW, OKAY? SHUT UP AND LISTEN ALREADY.

...And that's half of it. Six chapters and the rape is in the first? The author put all the buildup at the end, it seems.

*pops popcorn for the class and shares*

I likes this already. Now, to wait for the Cid/Chocobo slash! Because every ship ride has to have some of tail action!!

Quick update: The rest of this IS coming, I swear. My internet connection has just been even more FUBAR than usual recently because Alltell is in the process of updating its towers. I'm able to get online for maybe a few hours a day, maybe less, and it never seems to be when Dap is on. Thank you for your continued patience...y'know, like y'all actually care.

Delcat wrote:: Quick update: The rest of this IS coming, I swear. My internet connection has just been even more FUBAR than usual recently because Alltell is in the process of updating its towers. I'm able to get online for maybe a few hours a day, maybe less, and it never seems to be when Dap is on. Thank you for your continued patience...y'know, like y'all actually care.

A Twisted Fairytale--Featuring Chaos, Yuffie, exclamation points, and a special snark guest (NWS) 777742

Take as much time as you need, my dear Delkitten, we shall wait in breathless anticipation.

unskilled78 wrote:: Take as much time as you need, my dear Delkitten, we shall wait in breathless anticipation.

**turns blue**

**passes out and falls onto the floor, lump-style**

Dap: I talked to (girlfriend) about it and she doesn't like the idea of making fun of what is potentially someone's misguided best effort. We had a long talk about it, but the upshot is I value her more than the snark... I really am sorry. If we have the author's permission, it's all fine.
Del: ...so, how LONG have you been pussywhipped? 'Cause I know I didn't get away with this shit.

FOR THIS PERFORMANCE (AND ALL UPCOMING PERFORMANCES), THE PART OF DAP WILL BE PLAYED BY INKWEAVER. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY LULZ THIS MAY CAUSE.

Quote :: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. She was loved by all, but she loved only one: the Black Knight. Her father wouldn’t allow them to marry, so they had to meet in secret. Every night, they would meet in the garden exactly at midnight.

Delly: Ohhh, I like this story better than the last one!
Inky: Me too. I wonder if it'll involve rape. D=
Delly: Of course it won't, it is a lovely fairytale!

Quote :: A man had been watching the princess. He was entranced with her beauty. He decided to make himself known to her. He came into the city in an elaborate parade. The streets were covered in flower petals, jugglers juggled, dancers danced, musicians played music. The whole city celebrated his arrival.

Inky: Well damn. Way to make an entrance, buddy.
Delly: See? There are parades and flower petals and jugglers! It is a wonderful tale of love and beauty and possibly small animals singing twee songs!
Inky: I LOVE WHEN SMALL ANIMALS SING
Delly: ME TOO =D
Inky: That's why I do the shrooms.
Delly: Uh, no. That's a fairytale of the Very Special Episode variety.
Inky: Blast! Foiled!

Quote :: The wedding was as beautiful as her. She dawned her white dress to be worn for the first and last time. Her face smiled, but her heart screamed. Her knight would come as the ’does anyone have a reason why…’ she was sure of it!

But he never came…

Inky: She dawned her white dress? Like... what does that mean. Does... she throw it into the sun?
Delly: I think it means she put it on at EXACTLY six A.M. You know, like meeting the knight at exactly midnight. It's an obsessive-compulsive fairytale.
Inky: That's your favorite kind of fairy tale, right?
Delly: It is! Especially if I get to read it exactly four times! Incidentally, the Black Knight is across town with the chain-smoking stable boy. The thing about fairytales is they don't always focus on the one getting the happy ending.
Inky: And that stable boy sure knew how to smoke a cigarette! If you know what I mean! Actually you probably don't! 'Cause I don't even know!
Delly: Woo woo!

Quote :: The merchant quickly took her away to a foreign land. It was raining when they arrived at the black castle he resided in. As soon as he took her inside, he changed into a monster. He stared at her with glowing yellow eyes, mocking her, as he revealed that he had killed her Black Knight. Her tears blurred her eyes, all hope was lost.

Inky: ... Well. I... I must say. I did not expect that at ALL.
Delly: The end! Goodnight, Inky! Sweet dreams!
Inky: I don't wanna sleep mommy
Delly: Now, now, be good and you'll dream about having a nice husband like that! ...in the BUTT.
Inky: BUT MOMMY POO COMES OUT OF THERE

Quote :: She shot up out of the nightmare.

‘Only a dream, only a dream,’ she repeated in her mind. ‘But those eyes… too real.’

The night before came flooding back to her. There was a demon. She searched the room. The clock to the side of her read nine o’clock.

Delly: EXACTLY nine o'clock.
Inky: That is one specific-ass dream. My dreams are usually like, "Going to the museum! Look, they have giant chapsticks here, decorated by the Mayans! Wow, I have to pee but all the stalls are occupied! Look, a jelly bean dispenser that turns into soap!"
Delly: Yeah, I know. The last time I dreamt about Vincent, he had turned himself into a plant because he was tired of people trying to have sex with him. So I kept his secret so he'd be grateful and eventually have sex with me. It didn't work :<

Quote :: She forced herself on to shaky legs and made her way into the shower. Bandages caked with dry blood somehow made their way into the trash.

Delly: It's still a fairytale! The cleaning is being done by invisible singing animals!
Inky: Those bandages SOMEHOW made their way there. I would make fun of that with some sort of personifying the bandages thing, but really, I'm just disgusted by the laziness here. Like, that's not even atmospheric. How about "She peeled off her bandages" at the very fucking least here, author. NOT . HARD.
Delly: But "somehow" is even EASIER. They have to expend as little energy as possible so they'll be fresh for the next rape scene.
Inky: Good point. Always moar room for rape.

Quote :: She inspected her wounds. They were minor and would heal in about a week

Inky: She inspected them. With a MAGNIFYING GLASS. And a little hat!
Delly: If it had been PROPER Chaos, they wouldn't be all pussified healing in a week. She'd be counting the number of pieces her tibias were in.

Quote :: Aeris was there with a plate of food. The flower girl did her best the make the oatmeal and dried fruit more presentable. The type of food they could carry was limited due to constant travel.

Delly: They can have up to four Chocobos on board at any given time, but they can't carry canned goods?
Inky: Okay I have a question. Maybe this is because I didn't read the first chapter, but what the fuck why is Aeris alive? And why does no one know vincent is a demon guy since, well, he fucking limit breaks at any opportunity?
Delly: It isn't IN the first chapter. She just. Kind of. Is. But now that you point it out, it is depressingly impossible. You can't even GET Vincent's fourth Limit Break until at least Disc Two.
Inky: *SIGH* Lazy author rape devices - check.
Delly: Maybe she heard her abortion tea was going to be needed and hung in there until they could revive her.

Quote :: [19:12] MemorizedMo: “Ok.” She laid it on the nightstand. “Oh, we’ll be landing in Wutai in a few hours. Be ready.”

“No!” Yuffie protested.

“No?” Aeris asked puzzled.

Inky: "I mean, uh, yeah, totally. Not like I'm gonna rob you blind or anything."
Delly: And you won't be wandering around in the mountains for TWO FUCKING WEEKS without ANY MATERIA because you somehow failed to notice the GIGANTIC SHAKING VASE in town and oh GOD those mountain monsters FUCKING RAPED ME and...and...sorry, sorry, I'm good.
Inky: And you won't be LEVELING UP because YOU DON'T HAVE ANY GODDAMN MATERIA and you CAN'T FUCKING BEAT Don Corneo's FUCKING DRAGON FUCK YOU YUFFIE UGH
Delly: But Vincent totally gets a BURN in so that's cool.
Inky: Yeah his one burn in the entire game.
Delly: ...were we...uh...doing someth--OH YEAH SNARKING.
Inky: OH RIGHT

Quote :: She thought for a moment. “Should I ask Vincent to remain on the ship with you?”

Yuffie was glad to be behind the curtain to conceal her blush. “No, he probably needs to go get some supplies or something.”

Inky: "No, he probably needs to RAPE ME."
Delly: So he's an errand boy AND fandom bicycle now? It's nice to keep busy.
Inky: What kind of supplies are we talking here? Like... a toothbrush? Mouthwash?
Delly: Lube.
Inky: ...chains? Dammit you beat me to the punch.
Delly: =D

Quote :: ‘Damn… Why Wutai? I’m not fit to even step on the soil there.’

She slid down the wall and sat in the tub until the water ran cold. ‘I can’t face him.’

Delly: Okay, you're the Yuffie fangirl and not me, but this seems overly angsty.
Inky: Dude. This is NOT Yuffie at all. Yuffie would be like, "Wutai? FUCK YEAH LET'S GO TO WUTAI. I gotta kick my dad's ass some more! Also, Vincent, quit being a douche bag. And gimme your materia."
Delly: Yes! That! ...God, it says something when *I* notice.
Inky: Yeah. I mean, I thought if it wasn't Cid and Vincent boinking, you were like CARRY ON.
Delly: It's true. It's seriously true. I can't help what I am. And what I am is horny.

Quote :: “She’s getting around ok. Still upset, absolutely refuses to go to Wutai.” Aeris responded.

Cid interrupted, “She’s probably fucking wanted for stealing the wrong guy’s materia or something.”

Inky: Not yet, Cid. Not yet.

Quote :: Cloud just walked in. “Bad news.”

“What is it?” Aeris turned to him.

“Wutai is in a state of chaos right now. Their princess has vanished without a ransom note or anything. The people think it’s an attack against both Wutai and Shin-Ra?” He explained.

Inky: Okay. MORE CANON FAIL.
Delly: Yeah I was just about to ask because I was confused and I wasn't sure if that was TOTALLY WRONG or if I was busy being mad at Yuffie and didn't notice. I spent a lot of those two weeks in the mountains just watching Vincent's ass.
Inky: Yuffie's been missing from Wutai for YEARS. They know she's gone to look for materia to "restore Wutai to its former glory" whatever the hell that means (It's Yuffie, just go with it, Wutai). She's been living in the forests, where you originally encounter her I believe.
Delly: And she steals your gil. I remember THAT part.
Inky: I think Yuffie is like the most humored princess ever. She's like...Yuffie: HEY GUYS LOOK MY UNDERWEAR IS A HAT
Wutai: Yes, princess. Now sign here, here, and here for this tax cut.
Yuffie: KAY COOL BUT LOOK IF I PULL ON THE CORNERS, IT GIVES ME POINTY CAT EARS!
Delly: ......I have to go...try something...

Quote :: “Wutai is in a state of chaos right now. Their princess has vanished without a ransom note or anything. The people think it’s an attack against both Wutai and Shin-Ra?” He explained.

Tifa was confused, “Shin-Ra?”

“Mm-hm,” Cloud continued, “Godo Kisaragi decided to arrange it to restore peace between them.”

“That creepy old man?!” Aeris exclaimed.

Inky: ...arrange WHAT? They have not even said..."IT"? Arrange WHAAAAT? A summoning of Cthulhu? I don't get it!
Delly: How does Aerith know who Godo is?
Inky: She watches the news in the slums?
Delly: Or wait, is she thinking Hojo? 'Cause Godo isn't that creepy OR old. He's just...there.

Quote :: “Bad luck for her. Don’t see many princesses…” Barret trailed off.

Cid interjected, almost as if finishing his thoughts. “Bet she’s got one hell of a body. Those girls are bred for baby-making.”

Delly: ew. EEEEEEW[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Inky: I don't...WHY DOES CID EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE? THE PRINCESS = YUFFIE, CID. ALSO. HOW DOES "one hell of a body" = MADE FOR BABY MAKING.
Inky: Cid: Vincent's all scrawny, it's hell on my hips.
Vincent: ...I can be hell on other parts of your anatomy.
Inky: ... okay so you know that bit in Kingdom Hearts 2 where Cid is like "don't go thankin' us jus' yet" and sort of... lurches toward Sora. With his hands in this weirdo position? This is what I imagine him doing when he says, "Made for babymaking." And then Yuffie walks in.
Delly: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Inky: I KNOW
Delly: Hey, I think I understand this fic now. This was actually a roleplaying thing that Cid and Vince arranged in advance.
Inky: Then how the fuck did Yuffie end up in it?
Delly: Well, Chaos may be big and strong and all, but his weakness? Dyslexia. He was supposed to be in room 210, Yuffie was in Room 201...
Inky: It SUDDENLY makes sense.
Delly: inorite? It's going to turn out to be a Very Special Episode about learning disabilities.
Inky: And obsessive compulsive disorder?
Delly: That too. I love the lessons where you laugh, learn, and bleed from the ass.
Inky: Bleed from the ass while checking the time. "And at 9:15, I sobbed once. And at 9:16, he penetrated me for the fifty-second time."

Quote :: A sigh came from the ninja. “I don’t think we should get involved with foreign politics. Best to just skip Wutai altogether.”

“Nope. Can’t do it. No fucking way.” Cid spoke up, “Unless you wanna fucking die as the ship runs out of fuel and we all go crashing down clinging to each other in our last moments before the Lifestream sucks us all in.”

Delly: Cid, did you just call Final Solution on the fic? Oh honey, always new reasons to love you.
Inky: That's extremely.... colorful for Cid. "Watch as I paint out a whole scenario. Also: GENTLEMEN."
Delly: Well, he probably has a lot of time to think about crashing while he's wondering where Chaos is.

Quote :: “Um, no. That’s ok.” He made her nervous sometimes. She excused herself to her room.

Inky: I really hate this doppelganger loser Yuffie Real!Yuffieresponse: "Ew you're a nasty old man. Like I'd cling to YOU while the ship's going down."
Delly: It's like when her cherry popped, all her character went with it.
Inky: Maybe it's a Wutainese thing?
Delly: Even I'M missing her.
Inky: Don't lie. You love Yuffie.
Delly: Sure I do. In a back alley. With a two-by-four. To the FACE.
Inky: Without her, we wouldn't have fond memories of wandering around the mountains being repeatedly penetrated by Rapps.
Delly: Those are fond memories in the same way that 'Nam flashbacks are fond memories.
Inky: what were we -- OH YEAH SNARKING THAT THING WE DO

Quote :: “Hush now!” Aeris demanded. “If you went through what she did-”

Barret interrupted, “So some monster beat her up. She’s doin’ just fine!”

Tifa was about to yell at him too, but then she remembered: they didn’t know. It wasn’t something you could just tell someone…

“He raped her.”

Unless you were Aeris apparently.

Inky: Aeris: He raped her.
Everyone: ...
Aeris: =D
Everyone: ....
Aeris: =D?
Everyone: ...O_O
Aeris: Abortion tea anyone?

(More coming in a few minutes, formatting's a bitch. P.S.: You rock, Saki<3)

Quote :: Disclaimer: Own Final Fantasy and its characters, I do not. Want them, you bet you’re sweet ass I do.

Inky: "Read this story, you will not. Stupid, why yes it is."
Delly: Yoda doesn't write rapefic...d-does he?
Inky: Yoda is Jesus. Does Jesus write rapefic? I THINK NOT.
Delly: You're so logical<3

Quote :: They stood there in silence taking in this new information.

Cid spoke up, “But she’s just a kid. Why would…?”

Inky: Yes. Because being a kid definitely stops rapists.
Delly: Hey, YOU were the one talking about her wide, child-bearing hips five minutes ago, Cid.
Inky: Vincent: Because I have an inner pedo, Cid. You know this from our roleplaying. Chaos likes 'em young, nubile, and struggling.
Delly: ...I'd call Vincent "Daddy" if he wanted me to.
Inky: *COUGH*
Delly: RIGHT WHERE WERE WE

Quote :: “We can’t let this slow us down now.” Cloud said, “Come on, let’s go to Wutai.”

Inky: Can I just say, taking a moment to grammar Nazi, that the fucking dialogue punctuation is driving me NUTS. *stabs it*
Delly: The commas are just trying to get as far away from the dialogue as possible, and the periods are slow and are left to hold the bag. Poor dears. Also, jeebus, Cloud, aren't we just the caring, noble hero. I think the truth about his innocent flower girl has made him bitter.
Inky: "Come on, we can't let this slow us down." Cloud said, "besides, we all know in Advent Children any character progress I made goes out the window. Let's go."

Quote :: [19:39] MemorizedMo: He was there, unseen, watching her through trusting eyes.

‘Soon, little girl, soon.’

Inky: What is this even about. Watched her with trusting eyes? I don't understand. I don't even know how to make a joke.
Delly: No, through. He's inside Vincent looking out. ...I hate myself for understanding that.
Inky: But still, sense it is not making. His eyes are trusting her not to get away? Like. Vincent's eyes are trusting her? WITH WHAT? I don't GET IT. STUPID ADJECTIVE. ...wait wait. Calm down, Inky. It's not the adjective's fault it's been misplaced. Hate the sin, not the sinner.
Delly: I'm just reminded that my last snark partner's girlfriend thought we were being too mean to the author. THE CREEPY PEDOPHILE AUTHOR.
Inky: But Delcat, he will never heal if we make fun of him! We must help him see his child-raping ways are wrong. BY KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF THIS PIECE OF HORSE DUNG.

Quote :: “Oh, Cloud! Look at this!” Aeris was giddy.

Since Wutai had become a tourist attraction, the girls couldn’t help but see the sights. The people were exotic, their clothes were interesting, Tifa and Aeris were just entranced. The locals were selling souvenirs left and right.

Inky: Okay. It's not a harem. They're not belly-dancing their way around. Get a hold of yourself, Aeris, jeez.
Delly: Aerith: Look, they have abortion tea in infuser bags! That makes the taste of unborn children's tears so much stronger!
Inky: But I thought the tea was MADE from unborn children's tears.
Delly: I saw every sight there was to see in Wutai over a period of two weeks. There is a tree. That is all.
Inky: Also a giant statue. Covered in monsters.
Delly: I hate that statue.
Inky: I mean, you'd think they'd take better care of that fucking thing.

Quote :: Aeris clung to Cloud’s arm. “This is so much fun.”

She drug him around the city, but he didn’t resist. This was the first time they’d gotten to go on an actual date.

Inky: Cloud slapped her off, coming to his senses. "I get it now! You're a zombie out for my brains! You're behind ALL OF THIS!"
Delly: Luckily, she had some memory-loss tea on hand. Also, uh...who did he go on the Gondola with, then? ...oh God, is THAT why Barret's in the fic? YAY!
Inky: Maybe he went with Tifa on that one. Or Yuffie, so he could child-rape her.

Quote :: Tifa, Cid, Barret, and Red went on their own.

Inky: Because they're the boring characters, remember? No one wants to hear about the boring characters!
Delly: Of course! Wait, where's Cait? Does he even EXIST in this fic? Are he and Sephy and the plot off playing Twister?

Quote :: “Well, looks like the vampire runs from the sunlight once again.” Cid joked.

“Yeah,” Barret added, “You’d better watch out at sunset Tifa. He might cast a spell on you and steal your maiden blood.”

Delly: No, no. MaidenHEAD. *sigh* Inky, refresh my memory. Did anyone actually ever make any vampire jokes whatsoever in the game?
Inky: I think...maybe Yuffie, IF you have her when you open Vincent's coffin, MAYBE. I dunno. That may be fanon. Also, DO VAMPIRES EVEN EXIST IN GAIA skdjfsdkl;fj
Delly: YES BECAUSE VINCENT OBVIOUSLY IS ONE
Inky: That is a Yuffie/Vincent writer's favorite "joke" and by "writer", I mean cliche-milking idiot. And by "joke" I mean unfunny overused piece of shit that makes me want to smack the fuck out of anyone who writes it. I especially love it when Yuffie is constantly like HAHAHA YOu"RE A VAMPIRE I'M GONNA CALL YOU VINNIE THE VAMPIRE AKJSDAKSLJ stfu I hate everythiiiing
Delly: What burns me is that IIRC, Asian vampires are like the ONE kind of vampire that ISN'T AFFECTED BY SUNLIGHT. And it's not just Yuffentine writers. If Vincent is in a fic, vampire jokes are made. It's just that in the fics I read, they're tempered by "lololol Cid lieks cigarettes" jokes.
Inky: Yeah, in Y/V they're tempered by LOLOL YUFFIE OOOH SHINY I HAVE ADD. Not even Shiny actually. Shinny. Shinnies! Yuffie collects leg bones?
Delly: Well, they don't want to get sued.

Quote :: “It’s obvious. You’re of Wutain descent. I already knew from the first time I saw you.”

“But how could you? You were sleeping in that coffin before I wasn’t even born. There’s no way you saw me.” She started to ramble.

“Are you ok? I don’t quite understand.”

She nodded, and he sighed.

“I understand leaving Wutai due to its current state or whatever reason you have for not wanting to visit your homeland. Eventually, you’ll have to make peace with it.”

Delly: Yuffie: Yeah, YOU'RE one to talk about making peace with things.
Vincent: Lucrecia thinks I am :<
Inky: Yuffie, not to be racist, but you're like... one of the only characters in the game with a definite "Asian' cast to you--OH I MEAN WUTAIN CAST. ...I hate the "Wutain" word thing. It's just... awkward in my mouth. ... like Chaos when - NO NO NOT GOING THERE
Delly: ALSO BARRET MAY OR MAY NOT BE OF...OF...why is that Asia gets a word parallel and black people are just black?
Inky: 'cause this is made by Japanese people
Delly: Oh yeaaah. Also Barret isn't in fanfiction.
Inky: WHO IS Barret
Delly: IDK SEPHIROTH'S COUSIN MAYBE???

Quote :: He took out a bento lunch box. “Here I brought some traditional food for you, just in case you were homesick.”

She took it gratefully. “Thank-you.”

They ate peacefully together, neither one breaking the silence for the longest time.

Delly: ...Vincent...eats? I mean, something other than semen and tears?
Inky: And blood since he is a vampire. Also, please imagine Vincent in an apron making a bento box for Yuffie.
Delly: Done. Wait, should he be wearing more than just the apron?
Inky: Actually, it says "Rape the Cook" on it.

Quote :: “You know my secret, don’t you?” She finally spoke up.

“Hm? I’m afraid not. Please do not feel obligated to tell me.”

“I’m don’t… but I’ll tell you anyway.”

“Yuffie, don’t-”

Inky: Vincent: No seriously. Don't care.
Yuffie: You're sure?
Vincent: Yep. Absolutely.
Yuffie: Positively?
Vincent: I could not be ANY MORE sure.
Yuffie: I can tell you anyway. If you want to know. If you're not sure.
Vincent: I will throw this abortion tea on you and then push you down the stairs.

Quote :: “That’s my full name: Kisaragi Yuffie.”

His eyes widened, “Then you’re…”

Delly: Vincent: ...still an obnoxious little twat and I care even less.
Yuffie: You've been hanging around Cid too much.
Inky: I like to play the guessing game here.
"A turkey buzzard?"
"Richard Simmons?"
"My long-lost sister?"
"A man?"
"Fuzzy socks?"
Delly: "About to get raped?"
"Wait, what was that last OW OW OW"

Quote :: She continued, “Thanks for listening. I kind of need a friend right now.”

He then, surprising even himself with his actions, pulled her to his chest into a protective hug.

Vincent whispered into her hair, “Thank-you.”

Inky: ...no. No he didn't. In fact, I refuse to believe that he did. That string of dialogue sentences did not happen. He did not hug her. He did not "whisper" thank you. They did not put a FUCKING HYPHEN BETWEEN THANK AND YOU. SERIOUSLY WTF WHY DOES NO ONE UNERSTAND HYPHENS. NOT. DIFFICULT.
Delly: Urgh, this is more nauseating than the rape. I SAID IT, CYBERWULF, BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. Also, the protective hugging and the hair-rustling and all that...it's underlining AGAIN how young she is. Fucking rancid.
Inky: I just. That is so grossly out of character for Vincent it just actually made me angry. ... how lame is that. I physically reacted to that. I leaned back and scowled.
Delly: It actually made ME nauseous. I mean, dude. I'm a hopeless Vincent fangirl. We ALL know this. But I can't even begin to IMAGINE him hugging me, not even in my shmoopy teenage daydreams, because VINCENT DOES NOT DO HUGS.

Quote :: To be continued…

Author Note to Tank: Haha, that's my puppy's name. And shh! I KNOW; don't give spoilers away. I'll bop you!

Delly: Aw, gee, isn't this fun? It's a FUN rapefic! I wonder what the spoiler is? Sodomy?
Inky: Bop you. Like Little Bunny Foo Foo. ...hoppin' in the forest, scooping up the readers and rapin' 'em in the ass.
Down came the good fairy!
"Little Writer Foo Foo, I don't wanna see you"
"Scoopin' up the readers and rapin' 'em in the ass!"
"I'll give you three chances. But then I'll turn you into snark material!"
Delly: SPOILER: Snarkers give no one three chances.
Inky: Foiled!

More to come within the next day or two, complete with a very special revelation! When you see it, you'll weep bitter blood tears.

Quote :: Inky: "Read this story, you will not. Stupid, why yes it is."
Delly: Yoda doesn't write rapefic...d-does he?

Oh damn you...you made me remember a post on RPG.net a while back.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :: My players know that wouldn't work. I'd just pull out the Jar-Jar/Yoda slash I have hidden away to trump it.

...Oh, I've said too much again, haven't I?

Quote :: "No! Donta looka meesa! Meesa hideousa!"

"Hideous, you are not. Beautiful, your wings are."

I just had to inflict that on everyone else.
...

Er, sorry, end digression.
Smile

Join date : 2009-06-10

Delcat wrote:: P.S.: You rock, Saki<3)

<3 <3 <3

Quote :: LEMON WARNING!

Uh. I think we could've used that a bit earlier.

Quote :: Tifa sat up from her bed. She wouldn’t be getting much sleep that
night. Restlessness took over, and she began to wander the halls
aimlessly.

Her feet took her to Vincent’s door. Her hands forced her to knock.

SEE SHE WAS FORCED TO DO IT SO THIS FITS IN A RAPEFIC

Quote :: She groped clumsily to undo his pants, his arousal obvious through the
thin material. He patiently allowed her to remove his clothing

Tifa: I swear, just give me one second and I'll have this undone...
Vincent: Oh, no hurry. I get this all the time. *Yawn*

Quote :: Tifa took her time lowering herself down onto Vincent’s eight inches.

Why do they always have an exact measurement? Are we supposed to believe they're carrying around rulers for this purpose? And why would we care?
Tifa: Hmm, I've never fucked anyone smaller than twelve inches, but I guess you'll do.

Quote :: He could feel himself loosing control to his inner demons. He had to finish it.

Did anyone else hear the Mortal Kombat theme in their head, or was it just me?

Quote :: The young Rufus Shinra was on the television.

“Oh, he’s handsome.” She said teasingly.

“Shh, listen.” Vincent was serious.

The young heir on the screen spoke, “It’s been months since the disappearance of my fiancée, Yuffie Kisaragi.”

BYE BYE CANON! WE'LL MISS YOU!

Quote :: “Yuffie, you don’t want to involve yourself with him.”

“I know,” she sighed, “Will you protect me?”

Vincent: Protect yourself. *Goes off to brood*

Quote :: “What am I going to do?” she was at the point of tears.

Vincent thought for a moment, “I’m going to kidnap you.”

She laughed half-heartedly. “Come on. We need a real solution.”

A note for any authors: When Vincent's being a moron and Yuffie's being sensible, you're doing it wrong.

Quote :: They’d now all seen the program and were debating on what to do.

Cid was the first to speak up, “She’s been nothing but goddamn trouble since we met her. Let’s take her home!”

So much for being the "token child."

Quote :: On the back of a chocobo, that’s where she woke up. Vincent was walking
alongside the giant bird guiding it through the woods. Her arms were
tied to the chocobo’s saddle to prevent her from falling off and for
restraint.

“I thought the abduction was a joke.” She said groggily.

Yuffie's rather unconcerned about Vincent's sudden psychopathic behavior. Does this mean that he's her Edward?

Quote :: “Of course I do,” Rufus said with a smile. “Without her, I can’t gain Wutain’s power so easily… or friendly.”

Rufus's attempt to sound villainous: Failed.

Quote :: “You have news?!” Godo impulsively expressed his concern for his daughter.

"Impulsively." That makes it sound like he just felt like being worried, but probably won't bother again.

Quote :: How did they get there? Why were they there? What happened last night? Why the fuck was she tied up?!

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I thought that...

Quote :: Vincent Valentine was all over the news. He was labeled things like:
kidnapper, monster, terrorist, vampire, killer. The nation was in an
uproar. Their hatred being manipulated by the media and the imagination
of the young Shinra.

...And thus we see how AVALANCHE sells out. So, I guess this is before the group heads to Wutai, and also before Rufus decides he wants the group dead. Before they left Midgar, then? It's like the author smashed the whole plot into pieces, threw a handful at a wall, and kept the ones that stuck.

Last edited by InkWeaver on Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:59 pm; edited 2 times in total

Quote :

Delly: You know, if he was dreaming about Tifa the entire time, I'm less inclined to
feel bad for him about being asleep for thirty years.
Inky: Tifa: "Who are you? I'm looking for Vincent, not James Bond."
Delly: ...mmm...Vincent and James Bond...
Inky: DELLY! *snaps fingers*
Delly: I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT SPY PORN

Quote :

Inky:I ...what the hell is she babbling about. Tifa, I know this may seem strange,
but go to Barret, he's much safer. He may call you foo' when he climaxes, but he's much safer than Monster Man.
Delly :Tifa: Fuck me, but not in a loving way, but not in a NOT loving way, okay?
Vincent: ...I'm gay.
Tifa: Really?
Vincent: If it involves me going back to sleep, I am.
Cid: :D

Quote :

Delly: Men like having sex forced on them. It's not rape, because they're MEN. ...Inky, you think it'd work? --I MEAN
Inky: He's not so manly that his body doesn't crave a woman, though. So he's
gonna break her open and devour her innards, right?
Delly: Seriously, I kind of like the concept. Sues have tried to impress,
angst, bully, and seduce their way into Vincent's pants, but nobody's
ever just asked nicely. Perhaps he'd appreciate the novelty.

Quote :: Her large breasts molded themselves to his hard chest.

Delly: what.
Inky: Okay, okay, so you know how some people have pianist hands? Well...Tifa has sculptor breasts.
Delly: I'M a sculptor and MY breasts don't BOND WITH MEN ON THE MOLECULAR LEVEL.
Inky: She has...nuclear physicist breasts...? HER BREASTS ARE A-BOMBS
Delly: Whatever the case, there's going to be screaming here and not of the sexy
kind. Come to think of it, this is probably Hojo's doing. It's ALWAYS
Hojo's doing.

Quote :: Vincent took that moment to admire the woman before him. Never had he seen such a shapely woman.

Inky: He had, however, seen such a shapely man before.
Delly: I think I'm willing to give the author that one. Hourglasses are less shapely than Tifa.
Inky: You'd be surprised what Barret could hide in that large-black-man suit
Delly: Oh, you were at that New Year's party too?
Inky: ...we don't talk about that.

Quote :: Her legs, though covered by pajama pants, were insanely long.

Inky: Them were some CUH RAZY legs, they were like WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE LEG FLAILING TUBE MEN
Delly: They reached the ground and then started going up again. In fact, he IS
dreaming and Tifa has just turned into a Lovecraftian horror. Sorry, Vincent, maybe next time!

Quote :: He picked her up easily and laid her gently on his bed. She was drenched from anticipation. He knew he wouldn’t have to prep her.

Inky: Of course he doesn't, 'cause every good author knows that foreplay isn't sexy!
Delly: Cripes, she decided to bang him fifteen seconds ago! Does she have waterslide equipment down there or something?
Inky: Lucky freak.

Quote :: Something hit him in that instant.

Inky: An anvil?
Delly: Cid: YOU'RE CHEATING ON MEEEE
Vincent: OW OW OW SPEAR IN MY BACK

Quote :

Inky: Okay. I first find myself blinking and wondering what trust has to do with the pill. Does trust activate it? And then I find myself wondering where the fuck she'd get birth control on a world-saving adventure, then I find myself wondering does Gaia even have that...
Delly: Hang on a second...okay, I've got mine. Lemme check the little
stickers they put on it. "Do not use if pregnant or breast feeding"..."antibiotics may alter effectiveness"..."do not smoke"..."useful as bullshit plot device"..."take with small meal if stomach upset occurs"..."use exactly as directed"...huh, says right
here, trust-activated! Just goes to show how little attention the average American pays to their prescription medication. Also, why is she on it if she's not fucking Cloud? Does she have polycystic ovarian syndrome too, or is the author just THAT lazy?
Inky: Probably just lazy. I mean I dunno why she has that, when she can just use
Aeris' tea. That's what all women do, right? They use abortions as a contraceptive! Or so the media tells me.
Delly: Seriously, Tifa, man up and take your lumps. Two lumps, to be precise.

Quote :: He could barely see her face past her enormous breasts, but decided the
view was pleasant either way. Tifa took her time lowering herself down
onto Vincent’s eight inches.

Delly: Enormous breasts, giant cocks...our cast has officially been replaced
with porn stars. Who's filming this? Cait? Is that why he's not around?
Inky: Is it bad that the first thing i took issue with was "LOWERING herself
DOWN"? No shit, author, you can't lower yourself up.
Delly: She's lowering herself down, down, down into a burning ring of fire!

Quote :: It was the best kind of torture.

Delly: As opposed to the worst kind of torture, which he was also intimately familiar
with. Oddly, that ALSO involved his penis. ...sigh. It says something about this fic that I'm almost missing Hojo.
Inky: Yeah srsly. This is almost...boring. where is the rape.

Quote :: She knew just how to tease him slowly reaching the tip of his shaft, not quite
pulling off, then slamming herself back down.

Inky: That doesn't sound very... nice.
Delly: Yurk, "torture" is right. EXCUSE ME SIR, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW LADYBITS WORK.
Inky: Yeah, SLAMMING HIS PENIS sounds sexy.
Delly: When she's done, it's gonna look just like a hammerhead shark.
Inky: EW

Quote :: His sped up driving her to her first orgasm.

Delly: C'mon, c'mon, we don't got all day!
Inky: HE FLOORED IT PUT THE PETAL TO THE METAL ...this is one boring sex scene.
Delly: Seriously.
Inky: can we skip ahead? bored.
Delly: Whoa wait look at this

Quote :: He grabbed a fist full of her hair and jerked her head around so their eyes
met.

Delly: He just SNAPPED HER HEAD AROUND 180 DEGREES. This is why you don't go doggy-style with an assassin.
Inky: An assassin with demons in his head and tendencies toward rape.
Delly: ...this doesn't bode well for my future relationships, does it?
Inky:...probably not.

[20:46]“That was amazing!” she exclaimed.

Vincent couldn’t look at her;[/quote]
Inky: WHY DID THAT MAKE ME LAUGH. " 'That was amazing!' Vincent couldn't look at her."
Delly: Oh God, I didn't notice XD HE'S GAY, TIFA,GET USED TO IT.

Quote :: Vincent couldn’t look at her; he had to keep the demons at bay.

Delly: It would suck to try to have sex with demons making suggestive comments the entire
time.
Inky: "Oh, yeah, baby, harder!"
"Move, Hellmasker, I can't see anything!"
"Oh, god, Death Gigas, please, put that back in your pants."
Delly: All tossing peanuts at the screen

Quote :

Inky: Why does he have a private restroom? Oh god it's 'cause he's fucking Cid.
Delly:
You want the perks, you fuck the captain. He has a private restroom
because Cid kept leaving the top off the toothpaste. There was an
Argument which devolved quickly into a Fight and then a Trip to the
Emergency Room.

Quote :

Delly: ...Inky. I say this in the same tone that I said, "It's aliens,
isn't it." during The Forgotten. He's a vampire, isn't he.
Inky: ...NO HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY. I MEAN. WITH ALL THOSE JOKES. AND.
I. ... ...yes.
Delly: ...there are mojitos in the fridge. I'm going to assume you want one too.
Inky: YES.
A brief pause later...
Delly: Urmph. There. Let's do this thing.
Inky: WOO!

Quote :

Inky: Vincent: Mmm mm I'd like to get me a piece of that
Tifa: What?
Cid: Yeah, WHAT?
Delly (at the same time): Vincent: ...why are you still here?
Cid: Yeah, why are you still here?
Vincent: Oh, and Cid wanted sex. You seemed peaceful, I didn't want to wake
you.
Delly: ...we both just ASSUME he's fucking Cid during all the chapter breaks.
Inky: Well. You do it. I thought I'd follow the crowd.
Delly: Fuck Cid during all the chapter breaks? I do! ...did I type that out loud?
Inky: ...where are you keeping Cid? I want in on this.
Delly: In my head :< He thinks I suck :<

Quote :: “Shh, listen.” Vincent was serious.

Inky: Vincent is ALWAYS serious.
Delly: The sky was blue. Gravity attracted objects to the center of the Planet. God
made little green apples.

Quote :

Delly: ...what hair? Don't tell me she cut it all off during an intense musical number like in Mulan.
Inky: You know, I dunno why Yuffie ran away from Rufus. Have you SEEN that man? Phew.
Delly:
Rowr. Well, it's a purely political wedding, is the thing. When she
found out that he was fucking Tseng and she didn't get to join in, she
split.
Inky: ...everyone's gay in your world. Is that
right?
Delly: In the branch of fanon I hang around, anyway.
Inky: You disgust me. WHAT DO ALL THE GIRLS DO? TWIDDLE THEIR THUMBS?
Delly: Inky. EVERYONE'S gay.
Inky: Oh. OHHHH. Fair enough.
Delly: Additionally, nothing gets done. Ever.

Quote :: Rufus
continued, “No ransom notes or demands have been made. There is no sign
whether she is alive or dead, but it is imperative that she is found!
All of Wutai is
aware of a reward, but it’s not enough. I broadcast
now, worldwide, to ask any and all of you to watch for the princess. A
ten million gil reward will be given to anyone who returns her to us
unharmed. Any other helpful information will also be rewarded. I want
her safely back into my arms.”

Delly: So he'll take her back alive or dead? I didn't know he was into that kind of thing.
Inky: It's Rufus. I wouldn't be surprised if he was freakishly kinky.
Delly: Point. I guess he did kinda die a bit, too, but that was in a universe where
they had a plot.

Quote :

Inky: "It's not what YOU did, dear. Rather what was done TO you. And by that I
mean rape."

Quote :: She
went to the sink, after figuring out that spitting wouldn’t remove the
foreign taste from her mouth, she squished around a shot of mouthwash
before releasing it into the drain.

Inky: Mouthwash: Hey, quit squishing me around like that!
Delly:
He's been going in there and mouthraping her as she sleeps every night,
and all she needs is a shot of Listerine in the morning? Gives a whole
new meaning to the 30-second challenge...

Quote :

Delly:Just
the one? Is she an Amazon, or does she just not care? "Oh no, don't
look. Please. I am so embarassed. *titwiggle* So are we gonna go at it,
or what?"
Inky: CANCER DELCAT. IT'S A SENSITIVE SUBJECT. Mako cancer.
Delly: Oh God, I-I didn't know! I'm sorry! Aw man, this is a solid six hundo to set
things right here...

Quote :: “You’re on the news!” he blurted out, not being one to blurt in any direction.

Delly: what. is. is that. sexual? what.
Inky: I don't. I. ...but why
Delly: ...I have a vague feeling that I agree with the general statement, but I am not
keen on giving any further approval to the matter as of this time.

Quote :

Inky: Vincent: Well Yuffie. I could fix this problem for you. I could turn into Chaos
and hideously maim you.
Yuffie: Vincent, why do you sound so eager.
Delly: Vincent: You stole my claw arm to cut said hair.

Quote :

Delly: Oh, God! The burning distaste! The vicious anger! The...polite suggestion that she might do something else.
Inky: He also could not hide his disgust for Shinny-Ra Fo-Shizzle-Ra, Ruf-dawg Shinra, or The Shiners.
Delly: Wait, anything to do with Shinra must be evil? What about Lucrecia? She was a Shinra scientist.
Inky: Vincent: Who the hell is Loo-Kretz-Ee-Uh?
Delly: Oh, right, another tidbit from Canonland, sorry.

Quote :

Delly: Vincent: With RAPE! :D
Yuffie: Oh, Vincent, you're so big and strong and non-consensual! :D
Inky: All we need to make that better (worse?) is the word "orbs" tossed in
somewhere.

Quote :: Author Note: Haha sorry about that pairing. It was kind of just for me. Tifa’s not a slut!

Delly: Author: I just choose to make her play one in my fanfic.
Inky:Author: You'll never see this again because it was just for me to fap to.
Delly: I wish that was true of the rest of the fic.
Inky: It IS for her to fap to. We'll just keep seeing it DX

And This is Why I Need Medication Join date : 2009-06-10

Quote :: Delly: ...what hair? Don't tell me she cut it all off during an intense musical number like in Mulan.
Inky: You know, I dunno why Yuffie ran away from Rufus. Have you SEEN that man? Phew.
Delly:Rowr. Well, it's a purely political wedding, is the thing. When she
found out that he was fucking Tseng and she didn't get to join in, she split.
Inky: ...everyone's gay in your world. Is that right?
Delly: In the branch of fanon I hang around, anyway.
Inky: You disgust me. WHAT DO ALL THE GIRLS DO? TWIDDLE THEIR THUMBS?
Delly: Inky. EVERYONE'S gay.
Inky: Oh. OHHHH. Fair enough.
Delly: Additionally, nothing gets done. Ever.

I CAN ATTEST TO THIS!

Also, Reno and Rude are a LOT more than just partners...

Rabid Badger wrote:

Quote :: Delly: ...what hair? Don't tell me she cut it all off during an intense musical number like in Mulan.
Inky: You know, I dunno why Yuffie ran away from Rufus. Have you SEEN that man? Phew.
Delly:Rowr. Well, it's a purely political wedding, is the thing. When she
found out that he was fucking Tseng and she didn't get to join in, she split.
Inky: ...everyone's gay in your world. Is that right?
Delly: In the branch of fanon I hang around, anyway.
Inky: You disgust me. WHAT DO ALL THE GIRLS DO? TWIDDLE THEIR THUMBS?
Delly: Inky. EVERYONE'S gay.
Inky: Oh. OHHHH. Fair enough.
Delly: Additionally, nothing gets done. Ever.

I CAN ATTEST TO THIS!

Also, Reno and Rude are a LOT more than just partners...

Well with what happened to Rude after Chelsea, I wouldn't blame him. Such the sensitive soul... <_<

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