Interview with Severus Snape

Another one from the Harry Potter universe, The Muggle Project; an Interview. The premise of this fic, none too surprisingly, is that a young muggle girl is allowed to interview Professor Snape as part of some vague “Muggle Project.” No other details are given about this project, other than that it’s an attempt to integrate muggles into the magical world—despite this separation of magical and muggle being a huge plot point in the books. If you’re looking for nonsensical logic and irritating narration, and overall bad writing, read on! But first, a note from our author, to put things in perspective:

Quote :

Why this thing? I had to write it for school as a proof that I had read the Harry Potter books… well I really enjoyed doing it and Paulien Bosman totally belongs to me (to be honest… I AM Paulien Bosman so I think I can claim myself ^_^).

You’re seriously going to insert yourself into a Harry Potter fanfic and make yourself a muggle? My imagination weeps for you. Anyway, the scene opens with our muggle protagonist in Dumbledore’s office.

Quote :

He let me into his office and I sat down in a comfy chair in front of his desk. Fawkis, the phoenix, was beautiful at the moment. I guess it’s my luck that helped me to see him like this.

I see now, you’re one of those special muggles. Can I just call you Mary from now on? I think I will.

Quote :

…after offering me some jellybeans he gave me with a huge smile the password to his rooms. The rooms of the one that in my eyes was the most fascinating wizard in Hogwarts.

Dumbledore makes a habit of giving out passwords to other professors’ private rooms; got to keep them all on their toes!

Quote :

Not the ‘Boy Who Lived’, we all know his story.

You mean Harry Potter, the boy who defeated the greatest Dark Lord the world has ever seen? pffft He’s so old hat.

Quote :

As you can see I’m not talking about a student, I’m talking about the one and only Severus Snape, Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House. Him, I was going to interview and I guess that also explains why I am so nervous. Who wouldn’t be if you were about to interview the not known as ‘most friendly, social and Muggle loving’ teacher of Hogwarts?

So when Dumbledore decides to initiate this muggle integration project, obviously the person he would recruit to help him would be Severus Snape! Of course! Then Snape discovers Mary in his private quarters and reacts in true Snape fashion.

Quote :

"WHAT are you doing here!?!"

He sent me one of his ‘die now in front of me’ glances and a moment I wondered why I always seemed to end up in this kind of situations.

Um, because you asked to be in this situation? Intelligence isn’t one of your special muggle talents, is it? Luckily Dumbledore pops up to assure Mary’s safety.

Quote :

"Severus, I forgot to mention it," he says with a friendly voice, "but do you remember that project I mentioned a couple of days ago? About integrating Muggles into the wizarding world? Well, this is one of the first things, Muggles writing for the Daily Prophet.

So… their method of integrating muggles into the wizarding world involves conducting an interview with a wizard, to be published in a wizarding newspaper? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Well, the interview then proceeds with the dullest questions possible, with bolded text to make sure we know this is a real interview, until this particularly inane revelation.

Quote :

"Well, I’ve read that you always had fights with the Maraunders and the prank…"

"How do you know that, by Merlin’s beard!"

(A moment I think he’s going to ignore Dumbledore’s last remark and hex me)

"I’ve read the books…"

"BOOKS???"

"Yes, the Harry Potter books.”

So, if the entire muggle world has already been exposed to magic through the Harry Potter books… then what exactly is the purpose of this Muggle Project? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
But Snape seems unaware of this inanity, and somewhere amidst the dullest questions imaginable he begins to open up to our muggle protagonist, and admits something deeply personal.

Quote :

"Is that why you became a Death Eater?"

"You know that too from those Potter books?" (I nod) "Lucky me that Slytherins almost never read." (he sighs) "Probably that’s o­ne of the reasons, but of course there were others too."

"Like?"

"You are for too curious for your own health Miss Bosman… let’s just say that I didn’t want to loose the feeling of having a family around me…"

Aww, the Death Eaters were a family! Remember all those Death Eater groups hugs, like right after Voldemort murdered Cedric Diggory in a graveyard and they all gathered around, and it just gave you a warm, fuzzy feeling... Wait, no one else remembers that? Hm.

Quote :

On that moment we are interrupted by a soft knock o­n the door.

"That must be Mister Potter," he glances at his clock, ‘just in time… Get Inside!" A young
boy, with messy black hair, round glaces and the famous scar enters the room. He stares at me as if I have two heads, but doesn’t dare to say a word.

Probably wondering why his evil creep of a professor is having a private conversation with a young girl; I’d be pretty disturbed too if I were him. We conclude the interview with yet another inane revelation.

Quote :

Although I must say; without the brilliant idea of Dumbledore of giving Snape the Veritaserum I would have been thrown out of his rooms as soon as Dumbledore left…

Well isn't that convenient! I'm pretty sure that's not how Veritaserum works, but I'm going to pretend it explains this whole godawful mess.

LOL

Paulien, is that a special Sue way of spelling Pauline? Maybe to make it less of a Granny name.
Wow, this kid does lack imagination. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Fairlight wrote:

Paulien, is that a special Sue way of spelling Pauline? Maybe to make it less of a Granny name.
Wow, this kid does lack imagination. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I wondered that myself actually, and I have no idea. If that's her way of making it "special," lack of imagination is an understatement. What do you think are the chances that the author misspelled her own name twice? lol

...I almost pity that poor kid for the "D" she's going to get.

The only thing worse than a terrible self-insert is a terrible self-insert that throws out the Celebrity Paradox.

It should be, at most, completely uninteresting, throwing in a character who sees through the work's fourth wall by virtue of having read/watched/jerked off to the entire thing, and is thus able to provide perfectly accurate insight into any character, plot point or future twist.

Instead, they're usually much worse because they somehow never manage to think of this knowledge after being bamfed into their favorite 'verse evar, and instead look ridiculously stupid as things they should know fly right over their heads. It's like a Ratliff time-travel story every single time.

Fairlight wrote:

Paulien, is that a special Sue way of spelling Pauline? Maybe to make it less of a Granny name.
Wow, this kid does lack imagination. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I think it's the Dutch spelling, or maybe South African. Bosman sounds pretty Dutch as wel. Cute eh? Dutch muggle is invited to interview a Scottish wizard prof. for British wizard-world newspaper.

If I were to insert myself into my favourite books...okay, I wouldn't last a day in Mid-World, but that is beside the point.

The point is, I would make myself less lame and boring, and more like, I don't know, cool? Doing cool things? Kicking butt? Stuff like that, I guess.

This is just sad.

In terms of the concept, I can give her some leeway, since it seems to be a school assignment (hence all the contrivances? Idk). However, that's what makes it seem like it shouldn't have been posted.

When I look back to 'stories' I submitted in class during my badfic phase (which I think is over, but the point is moot now that I write engineering reports for school), I usually got fairly high marks and tepid praise that encouraged me to keep writing. Since this girl's grammar and spelling appear to be decent, I'm sure she'll get similar results. At this stage, teachers are just relieved to have some sort of technical profiency, plus they don't want to discourage kids from doing educational, creative things like writing. I don't doubt this will get at least a B, much as that idea may alarm the denizens here.

Call me weird, but I have a thing for Inserts and Sues that lack fantastic powers. It's so cliche to have a normal person get sucked into their television set and suddenly discover that they can shoot energy bolts out of their hands.

As for getting sucked into the television set and knowing what's going on, it does take a bit of skill. I think one of the problematic Sue hangups is that they automatically hate the bad guy while everyone else still trusts him. I think Pleasantville did it well, where Bud was really subtle as to not disrupt anything.

I get that it's a school project and whatever, but this is mildly ridiculous. Also,

Quote :

"Lucky me that Slytherins almost never read."

That's hilarious.