Subject: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:50 pm
After my review of Terror Toons, I became incredibly interested in finally getting around to watching Silent Night, Deadly Night 5, arguably the worst, and oddest movie in a particularly bad, bizarre series.
First, a little bit about Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. For the uninitiated, Silent Night, Deadly Night (the original) is probably one of the more well-known Santa-as-serial-killer movies, and also one of the more infamous B-Grade, 80's slashers. This is partially due to the second installments now internet-famous scene...
Yeah. This is the film series that spawned "Garbage Day". But that fame didn't come until later. Before /b/, SNDN (because, goddammit, I'm sick of typing the whole title already) was a movie that could have very easily slipped away into B-slasher obscurity, if it wasn't for the moral outrage that surrounded the release of the first movie. Apparently, people were a bit upset about a Christmas movie about a psychotic man dressed in a Santa costume going on a killing spree. Because of this publicity, SNDN has managed to keep a small cult following behind it since the day it came out.
Now, I consider myself a fan of SNDN (as big a fan as you can be of a B-Horror), and every Christmas, while everyone else is watching Dick Van Dyke or Macauly Culkin, I'm watching Robert Brian Wilson in a Santa costume, impaling topless young teenage girls on Reindeer heads (nice rack hurrrrrrrrrr).
Now, don't get me wrong, SNDN is not a good movie. It's a mediocre slasher flick, with the added bonus of letting you watch Slasher Santa kick down someones front door, wielding an axe, and yelling, "NAUGHTY!", which is why I like to watch it. It's certainly better than most sub-par slashers.
Shortly after SNDN 1 though, things started to get weird. SNDN 1, 2, and 3 all center around the first movies theme of a Killer Kringle. They all (more or less) center around the original killer (or, in #2's case, his brother), and are all connected to a central plot. Number three began to hint at the weirdness to come when it featured a psychic, but it was still about a killer Santa.
#4 is when things really took a turn for the strange. #3 ditches Robert Brian Wilson's character entirely in favor of a story having to do with some Satanic Wiccan Coven killing people with skin infesting worms. I'm not even sure if this one took place around Christmas. This movie was so far removed from the original concept and direction that, in some places, they didn't even market it under the SNDN name (they called it Bugs). #1 was mediocre, #2 was lame, I haven't seen #3, and #4 was just horrible.
So... Silent Night, Deadly Night 5. How does it compare? Well... this one is... special. I'm not quite sure which one is worse, #5 or #4, it's a definite toss-up. #4 was typical atrocious, while #5 gets so mind-numbingly weird and wrong that... well...
What would you say if I told you that this movie ends with an android dry-humping a woman while calling her "mommy", all because he has a Oedipal complex and an Elektra complex, all at the same time?
Moar revuu later.
Reepicheep-chan Important Person
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 38 Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:17 pm
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:20 pm
Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Is this excitement?
Anyway, Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: the Toymaker...
So the movie begins in a time that is vaguely around Christmas, we open with a small child...
Excellent. Last time this series opened with a little boy around that magical time of the year, we got to watch his Christmas hopes and dreams get corrupted by a crazy grandpa telling him that Santa was going to cut him up and feed him to his reindeer. I wonder how this little boy is going to be scarred? Say, what is he looking at anyway...
Wow. The movies barely begun and we're already seeing a little boy watch his parents have sex. WARNING: there is a trend developing here. Out of all the SNDN movies, #5 is probably the most... Freudian. You'll see what I mean later.
Also, there is another trend starting. If a good deal of the characters in Terror Toons were mentally damaged paint huffers, than I guess it only fits that a number of characters in SNDN 5 are autistic. At least they seem that way. People in this movie don't seem to react as much as they watch. Particularly little Derek here, and a character not yet introduced. Though, more or less, this rule applies to nearly everyone in this movie, they all give wooden-sometimes-bordering-on-sociopathic performances.
... Because you're not going to see much else out of this character.
Anyway, Derek hears the doorbell ring and goes downstairs to find a package on his doorstep. Still in sociopath android mode, Derek takes the present inside, where he is greeted by his father in a bathrobe, all post-coital and wondering what his son is doing answering the door in the middle of the night. He scolds Derek for being up so late and for answering the door in the middle of the night, than sends Derek off to bed. Thinking that his son has gone upstairs (he's really just hiding behind a corner), Derek's dad does the fatherly thing and...
Yep. The cute little Santa music box flashes it's scary face, plays a funeral march, than shoots out strings from it's hands and feet that wrap around the dad's neck and face. Don't be too afraid, though, it doesn't seem to be doing him much harm. In fact, the toy doesn't even kill him. Derek's dad dies because he begins thrashing about like an idiot, clocking himself on the head, than falling face first on a fireplace poker. This isn't the only person that dies more from bad luck and accidents than by the killer toys doing any actual damage to the person, which makes the mastermind behind this evil plot either a genius, or just really, really dumb.
Moar revuu later...
Reepicheep-chan Important Person
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 38 Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Mon Jan 10, 2011 8:23 pm
Mr.Doobie wrote:
Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Is this excitement?
Damn straight!
InkWeaver Harriet Tubman
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 33 Location : Home of the peanuts.
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Mon Jan 10, 2011 11:15 pm
Oh... Oh dear god...
WHY IS HE WATCHING HIS PARENTS BANG WTF
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:54 am
InkWeaver wrote:
Oh... Oh dear god...
WHY IS HE WATCHING HIS PARENTS BANG WTF
Little Derek's a bit of a voyeur. He's actually a very creepy little kid.
Anyway, Derek's dad is mauled by a little Santa ball, everyone is horrified, that's the beginning.
Let's review...
1 - 9 year old boy watches his parents have sex. 2 - Little boy gets a mysterious Christmas present. 3 - Little boys dad opens his present. 4 - Daddy is attacked by a transforming robot Santa ball. 5 - Little boy watches his dad land eye first on a fire poker.
We're not even a quarter of the way through this, people. This movie is amazing.
It gets more amazing. The next scene, it is revealed that little Derek was so traumatized by watching his father's death, he has become a mute...
Shut up.
Thus freed from the burden of acting for the rest of the movie, little Derek is free to...
For the rest of the movie. Not that talking would have stopped him before. I have a feeling that this whole "mute" thing was something that was written into the script shortly after the writers found out their child star had the emotional capacity of Jell-O.
Derek's Mom (Sarah) is upset that Derek is so unhappy and traumatized, so she decides that she's going to take him to the local, family-owned toy store to get him a shiny new toy to cheer him up.
...
Wait a minute. How much time has elapsed since his dad friggen died? No funeral? No burial? If Derek's family has a Christmas tree up, and Derek was getting a Christmas present, I assume it is at least the day after Thanksgiving, and because this all takes place around Christmas time, I'm assuming this story all happens in a relatively short time frame. Thus, this whole movie's time frame can't be much more than a month. Unless this town is really avid about Christmas, and start preparing for it sometime in late June. The way this movie is paced it's as if Derek's dad just died yesterday, and now his mom is already saying, "Whelp, time to move on! Dum-dee-dum-dee-diddleee-dee!" My, she gets over fast.
Anyway, Sarah takes Derek to what appears to be "Slappy the Janitor's Toy Basement". I call it that because this is the most ghetto toy store I've ever seen. It's like a combination Dollar Store/Salvation Army, and is pretty much the exact opposite of charming and delightful.
In the store, we are greeted by the three possible killers. Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets! Who is the killer toy-maker? Is it...
Holy shit, it is Mickey Rooney. What? Why? What is he doing in this piece of crap? Aren't crappy B-grades a bit beneath Mickey Rooney? Not only that, but here's an ultra-extra dose of irony in his performance, Mickey Rooney was one of the most outspoken moral guardians opposing the first Silent Night, Deadly Night. So... why is he in this movie. I mean, Mickey Rooney easily gives the best performance in this entire movie, but his performance is still the most troubling, if only because you just keep asking yourself over and over, "why?". Rooney's not in too many horror movies. You end up just hoping for a scene where Mickey Rooney just stops the entire movie, faces the camera, and calmly explains his reasoning behind doing this. Sadly, this scene never comes.
Anyway, Mickey Rooney plays the owner of the toy store, and elderly gent named "Joe Petto" (hurrrrrrr). He's an angry alcoholic that sells robot larvae toys that burrow into peoples faces and eat their eyeballs.
This is Joe Petto's son, Pino (who wants to bet his middle name is "Chio"?). Judging by the look on his face, it seems like he's teenage Derek from the future, come back to the present. After watching this movie the entire way through, it would make just about as much sense as anything else that happens.
Anyway, Pino's hobbies include having no facial expressions, giving people creepy looks, breaking into peoples homes and hiding in their closet, getting beaten by his alcoholic dad, and trying desperately to get a 9-year old boy to buy a robot larvae toy that burrows into peoples faces and eats their eyeballs.
By the way, if you've ever wanted to watch Mickey Rooney get shitfaced-drunk and smash a bottle of Jack Daniels over the head of the lost member of A Flock of Seagulls, you need to see this movie now.
Noah? The creepy guy whose hobbies include stalking Derek and Sarah, giving his landlord a robot larvae that burrows into peoples faces and eats their eyeballs, and telling said landlord that said robotic grub is "to die for".
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:41 am
Speaking of robotic, face-burrowing grubs, meet Larry the Larvae...
In the toy store, Pino tries to convince Derek to buy this little guy, getting suspiciously insistent that Derek buy this toy larvae. However, Derek declines his friendly offer, and the toy is instead bought by Noah. Later, back at Noah's apartment/hotel room, Noah gets a visit from his landlord, where the landlord tells him that his rent is due. Noah doesn't have the money to pay his rent, so he instead strikes up a deal with his landlord to give him Larry the Larvae instead. I don't know why larvae toys are suitable replacements for currency in this town, but ok, I'm going to roll with it.
Anyway, the Landlord gets into his car with the larvae and begins driving, when...
What you see here is Larry the Larvae burrowing into the Landlord's face and eating both his eyes, causing him to crash his car and die. I'm not sure if the car crash kills him, or if the toy digging through his skull does him in first, but it doesn't really matter now, does it?
Meet Derek's next door neighbor, stock character Twerpface McDouchebag. And don't laugh. All kids dressed like this in the 90's. Just ask Moonshoes...
Anyway, Derek has started to catch on that someone is trying to do him in with Christmas gifts, so he has decided the time has come to trust no gifts, and so, throws this package out. Twerpface McDouchebag finds the package and, because he is Twerpface McDouchebag, needs to open it up, put on the roller blades that are inside, and proceed to roll around annoying the loving hell out of two people. And the audience. He's pretty much an annoying little jerk in every scene he's in.
It is than revealed that the roller blades have secret rockets on them that suddenly deploy and cause him to lose control and skate around slowly in random directions until...
This is another case of the toys killing people more from bad luck and less from any actual devilishly brilliant planning on the part of the inventor. If they want to kill Derek so badly, why don't they just send him a pipe bomb or something?
What? Twerpy doesn't even die? The first movie had a kid getting his head cut off by Santa Claus while going for a sleigh ride! This movie begins with a little boy watching his parents have sex? And now the movie grows a sense of class?
Dammit, out of all the characters that get attacked by the killer toys, this is the one I wanted to die the most.
Which brings me to something, there are very few deaths in this movie, and very few of them are even meaningful, because most of the deaths happen to minor characters that appear only so that they can be killed less than a minute later. No character with a screen time longer than 30 seconds dies in this movie, which makes it kinda hard to feel any emotional impact for anyone that does die. Not that I would have much emotion for the death of the walking cardboard cut-out that is Derek, but still...
Also, in the hospital, Sarah (Derek's mom, remember?) says what a horrible accident it was, when some other woman (I really don't know who she's supposed to be) says incredulously, "Sarah, you think this is an accident?" Yeah, because it's so obvious that some evil mastermind attached the rockets to the roller blades, knowing that they would go off, cause whoever wore them to teeter about aimlessly, than wander into traffic, where they would be hit by a car. I mean, duh, it's such an obvious plan.
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:59 am
Oh, hello. I had almost forgotten about Noah. Yeah, it turns out Noah is Derek's real dad, that's why he's been stalking them. Apparently, Sarah lost contact with Noah shortly after he went into the military for six years, whereupon she married someone else (Tom)...
Fuck off.
It's said that Sarah had no feelings for Tom (Mr. Poker-to-the-face), and that she only married him for his money, and so Derek could have the stability of a father figure in his life. So here she is, less than a week after her husband died, fucking her long lost boyfriend in the back of an SUV in a parking garage.
Meanwhile, back at the house where a babysitter is taking care of Derek...
Apparently, Derek, the dirty little voyeur that he is, was watching the teenage couple have sex. So, Joe Petto puts him into his sack and carries him away. Why doesn't he just kill him? Shut up, that's why.
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Tue Jan 11, 2011 10:40 am
Now, the madness begins, as Joe Petto's Dollar Tree army begin to sneak up on the unknowing teens...
What the fuck is that? I don't think that's a toy, but if it is, I want one. I mean, what other toy comes equipped with circular saws that it uses to slash out peoples hamstrings right before ripping their face off?
Robot. Firing a cannon. I told you guys this scene is madness, and this part right here is kinda the cherry on top of the sundae. You can't go much further than this, once you've put in a robot firing a cannon, you're entering this weird "robot-zombie-pirate riding a unicorn" place that no one wants to get too far into.
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Tue Jan 11, 2011 10:51 am
So anyway, Noah and Sarah come back home and the babysitter comes stumbling outside, covered in blood. Wait. She lived? What? First Twerpy, now her? C'mon! Look at this!
And when she comes out of the house, she's just rattled and covered in (fake) blood?
Fuck it. This WTFery pales in comparison to the finale coming up next.
Anyway, long story short, the babysitter tells Sarah that Joe Petto kidnapped Derek. Wait a second, she saw Joe kidnap the kid while her boyfriend and her were fucking and didn't stop to do anything about it? What a horrible babysitter!
Sarah goes to Joe Petto's shop, and apparently, Joe Petto is really stupidly predictable (though, what else do you expect with some of the killer toys he's designed?) because he's there. That's kind of like killing someone, than hiding from the cops by going straight home. Only it's exactly like that, because the toy shop is also Joe Petto's home. Whatever, here's the part you guys all wanted, the ending that you will never forget. The time has come to take a breath, and drink deeply from the cup of WTF...
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 Fri Jan 14, 2011 9:11 pm
Alright, boys and girls, time to finish this. Beware, this ending will drill into your brain, liquefy it, than proceed to drink it through a straw.
So, Sarah gets into old Joe's toy shop, and finds what is apparently the real Joe Petto lying dead on the ground. The one in the Santa costume is a fake! AHA!
... or a robot with a detachable face. I guess that's perfectly plausible too.
Seriously, what? I mean, I know this entire movie had robots, what with Decepticon-Santa and Larry the Larvae but, I dunno, maybe it's just me, but those seem a lot more plausible than face stealing android. Watch well folks, this is probably going to be the only Christmas movie you'll ever see where a highly advanced, intelligent robot kills people with an army of toys.
This is probably the only holiday movie you will see that will feature intelligent, face-stealing robots, and it will sure as hell be the only holiday movie you see where the villain reveals his lack of genitalia as the reason why he's been trying to kill a little boy with an army of killer toys.
Shit. This is probably the only movie where the villain reveals his lack of genitalia as the reason behind his killing spree, period.
ROBOT CROTCH! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS! GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE!
Pino wrote:
My father could invent anything...
*close up of his Ken Doll crotch*
Well. Almost anything.
I kind of find it hard to believe that old Joe could make an android, long, long before such technology is available to anyone, yet it is just beyond him to equip said robot with a mechanical dick.
Hell, the guys invented a disembodied arm that molests people! I find it pretty hard to believe that he couldn't have made a robot dick. Judging by the fact that he invented this arm, he's probably made at least a dozen robot penises. He probably just kept them hidden from Pino. Because he's a dick like that.
So, Pino begins to monologue, talking about how he was invented by Joe to replace his dead son, and how he wants Sarah to be his mommy, and he wants to kill Derek so he can replace him. Or some shit. Honestly, I'm still just trying to get over the fact that the movies big reveal is an oversize Ken doll with an Elektra complex.
Hey wait, Pino has just reveals that he is a robot, a genius creation decades beyond the capabilities of science. A technological marvel! A breakthrough! I wonder what Sarah's reaction to this is...
I am watching a holiday movie about a robot that wants to rape his "mommy" but can't because he doesn't have a robot penis. I... I don't think it gets any stranger than this, folks. I just... no. No, movie.
The first movie had a woman getting raped and killed by Santa. I guess the writer figured the only way to top that would be to have a big Ken doll dry hump his mom.
Disembodied molesting arms. Robot crotch. Doll rape. This movie is amazing.
During the course of this truly horrifying scene, Sarah stabs Pino in the head, Noah comes in with an axe, chops Pino in half, and ends his dickless reign of dry-humping terror.
Noah, Derek, and Sarah all gather together, the day saved, and walk into the sunset. Happy ending. Oh, and by the way, Derek, Noah is your dad.
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