Why God, Why?


 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Silent Hill: Rebirth

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Shakeda

avatar

Join date : 2012-07-25
Age : 25
Location : Tu Madre's Casa

PostSubject: Silent Hill: Rebirth   Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:28 am

First off, I really must emphasize how much of a Silent Hill fan I am. It was the first series of games I ever willingly wanted to finish playing with the best endings. I even have a long running fanfiction of my own for the series. However, apparently I have a bit of competition, since SH hasn't had many new fans for some time.

This story just...I guess you can say ignores what I hold near and dear about the series. The key psychological aspects aren't there, the characters are horribly OOC, and dear god, the grammar and punctuation are headache inducing.

Let me note that I hope I do this right because the story is still being updated, there are just so many things so far that I want to desperately say about it. This is my first snark of possibly many to come, sadly enough.



Alright, so, let me start right away with the name. Silent Hill: Rebirth. Oddly enough, there are about a good five or six other stories with the same title. This is, however, the worst of them all. I'll leave a link on the second chapter review if anyone asks for it.

Now I might as well start quoting this. Bare with me, please.


Quote :
Authors Note:

It's been a while since I've written a fanfic and this is my first silent hill fanfic. This story is based on Silent Hill 3 and takes place 1 year after the events of SH3. But this time there will be new places and new monsters and maybe just maybe some old characters will return. The story will get better and I already thought of some awesome fight sequences.

Ok, so...it's both based on SH3 and takes place a year after. Am I wrong here, or can it only be one or the other? I've never heard of a sequel of any film, game or spin-off show both being based on the original and taking place a year later. And the fact you include your own places and monsters? This makes it original work. So, we have three inconsistencies and it's only the damn Author's Note!


Quote :
Disclaimer: I do not own Silent Hill.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I know they put this for legal reasons and they don't wanna end up getting sued in some obscure fashion, but seriously, it irritates me sometimes. If you do happen to own a franchise like Silent Hill, Harry Potter, Twilight, etc., then WHY ARE YOU ON FFN?!


Quote :
Blood leaked from her forehead she didn't know if it was her own blood or the blood of….Heather woke up from one of the many nightmares she had gotten since visiting Silent Hill. Heather looked around and saw she was still on the bus and was at her apartment building.

Just the first sentence makes me regret ever starting to read this...Let me say right now, I'm such a stickler for commas. I'm sure I'm not the only one here like that. I tend to complain on stories overusing them...this story rarely has any. Just saying that now because if I quote all the sentences without proper commas, I'd post the whole goddamn thing.

Also, the way the author words this confuses the hell out of me. 'She was still on the bus and was at her apartment building' makes me think the bus is in her goddamn apartment.


Quote :
Since been to silent hill Heather had moved out of daisy villa and moved to a new apartment building called Blue valley.

'Since been' is wrong. Now that that's over with, let me move on.

Capitalization is your friend. Use it when you're talking about places and people. This author flip-flops like this so much. Also, that one sentence is half of a 'paragraph' to this person. I'd call the author a he or she, but even that's a brain-boggle. How often does a male author on FFN have a female Resident Evil character as their display picture? But I digress. More of the story.


Quote :
When Heather opened her door she saw a shadow behind her but when she turned around she just saw a girl 8 maybe 9 years old running across the hall.

COMMAS. Ok, I promised I wouldn't do this, that sentence just pissed me off too much.


Quote :
"Douglas" Heather was surprised sure Douglas has been checking up on her you know a phone call now and then but why was he here and at 9pm.

"Heather, it's good to see you, how have you been."

So much has to be said here...first, never...never say 'you know' in a story unless it's someone saying it to someone else. Why should we know something about your canon? In this instance, what, are we watching in Heather's window or something?

Second, the quote "Douglas" doesn't sound very surprised. This happens quite a bit in this story, the sheer lack of emotion. Just because you say how the person said it after the fact doesn't give the right feel for the reader. Add a damn exclamation point!

Third, the second line is another instance of such. There are rarely any instances in this story where quotes end with proper punctuation. I know I'm talking a lot about the punctuation and such in this and not so much on the story, but TRUST ME. THAT'S YET TO COME.


Quote :
"I'm fine Douglas and it's good to see you to but I think a better question is why are you here I mean I don't think you would drive 1 hour just to check up on me. (The drive from Heathers apartment to Douglas's was about an hour.)

...Uhh...did Heather say the parenthesis passage or am I just having a psychic moment?


Quote :
You could see the expression on Douglas's face, he practically had a glowing neon sign over his head that said: "I'm worried, and I'm stressing I'm stressing a lot."

I promise, this is the last time I do this. If a name ending in 'S' or multiple people are in a possessive of something, the apostrophe doesn't end with another 'S'. I'm done with noting all these, because like I said, that would be the whole story.


Quote :
"Douglas I can see something's bothering you, you know you can tell me what it is it's not like I'm going to have a panic attack or something. Now you can either tell me what's up or we can go ride ponies and talk about how much we love rainbows and act as though we don't have a problem that we can't fix with ice cream."

Yes, because Heather's witty personality is so vast that she doesn't even need to be clever anymore. She can just be a prissy little princess and solve anything with colors and candy. Vomiting a god doesn't make her tough, not at all.


Quote :
"Well it looks like you're still the sarcastic type Heather and fine if you're going to stress about it I'll tell you."

"Yeah I'm the one that's stressing" Heather said in her favourite sarcastic voice.

"Ha there's that sarcasm again.

WE GET IT. SHE'S SARCASTIC.


Quote :
Well Heather the reason I came here was to tell you that…that it's happening again."

"What's happening again?" Heather knew what he was talking about but maybe she heard wrong she wanted to hear wrong.

"Heather you know what I'm talking about. There was a long pause in the room and then he said it.

"Silent Hill"

This is common in SH fics as a way to introduce the author's version of the town. To do this properly, the main character would wander blindly somewhere and encounter the fog, static and strange creatures. In this case, Douglas should then be the main character, because he, NOT Heather, was the person to encounter such. And you might be thinking, 'Well, he just said it, it's not like he saw anything'...

Quote :
"Heather 3 days ago the wave mall it rusted"

"So you almost gave me a heart attack because a mall got rusted!"

"Not only that Heather but there the walls are soaked in blood and god knows what else, and Heather on the rooftop there was one of those things."

"What things"

"You know the big things that are all covered in flesh and block your way so you can't get pass them, (closers, if you want to know what they look like Google this: Silent Hill 3 Closers.)

...yeah.


Quote :
FLASHBACK

Heather walked into a clothing store and saw a closer devouring a man's face. The closer saw her and started walking towards her. Heather saw a gun on the ground, picked it up and aimed.

"Stay back"

It continued walking

"I'm warning you"

It kept on walking

"Ahh Heather shouted out as she fired her gun. It kept on walking and Heather kept on shooting.

Heather ran out of bullets but she was still shooting hoping that the gun had at least one bullet left in it. And just as the closer was an inch away from Heather it froze and suddenly collapsed onto the floor

"What the hell is this thing?" Heather said out loud still scared but a little relieved.

Heather sat back down trying to forget about that "thing"

END OF FLASHBACK

This is the author's attempt at writing a flashback sequence from the original game, people...


Quote :
"So what are we going to do?"

"Hmph what can you do" Douglas said knowing that their lives were over.

Because it's not like she saved your ass a year ago.


Quote :
"Well we can't just sit here and wait until silent hill comes knocking at the door." Heather remembered the freaky guy from the amusement parks haunted house

Flashback

"Or maybe we could come and visit you instead." Those words she remembered them if though that announcer guy was telling them to her right now.

End of Flashback

Right now meaning in the flashback? Well, yeah, that would make sense. Of course he'd say them to you at the same time in the flashback as when the flashback happened. Apparently we're supposed to believe Heather is now some sort of a time traveler.


Quote :
"Douglas I came home and found my father sitting on his favourite chair with his face mutilated. Douglas, coming home and finding the only family you have gone…Heather paused on the verge of crying. "This time I'm not waiting for anything like that to happen, what if I come home one day and find him sitting there and…

"...I find he's dead again..." Come the fuck on, Heather...


Quote :
It was about 3 in the morning and Heathers phone started ringing.

Heather got up in no mood to be woken up by someone who had no life that had to call at this hour.

Cause that's immediately what you think when someone calls at 3am, not that there might be some sort of serious emergency. No, they obviously have no life.


Quote :
And that's it for chapter 1. Guys please read and review and tell me if you guys like my story. Cause someone told me I'm not a good writer

And you refused to listen to them...why?


I know this started off pretty slow with only complaints of the grammatical and punctuation errors, but there's 13 chapters of this story so far. I wanted to get the major complaints out of the way right away, and from here on out, it'll only be what's wrong with the story itself.
Back to top Go down
Sutremaine
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
avatar

Join date : 2009-11-14
Age : 32
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: Silent Hill: Rebirth   Sun Sep 09, 2012 7:04 am

Shakeda wrote:
Ok, so...it's both based on SH3 and takes place a year after. Am I wrong here, or can it only be one or the other? I've never heard of a sequel of any film, game or spin-off show both being based on the original and taking place a year later.
I vaguely recall the SH series having a continuity in which the individual games weren't direct sequels or prequels to each other.
Back to top Go down
 
Silent Hill: Rebirth
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Silent Hill: Alchemilla Source
» Upcoming Roleplay: Mai-X-Project [FAQs and promotion thread]
» That Sounded Dirty [v1.5]
» Silent Hill 2 Thoughts and speculation
» Beyond The Quiet, by Brenda Hill

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Why God, Why? :: The Sporking Table :: New Releases-
Jump to: