The Bible on Crack - And then God put on this totally awsum laser show and there was much repenting...

So, like I've said before a short trip through the bible fanfic section of the Pit usually produces results. IF you can get past the hand holding, skip towards the light, Jesus saved me yes he did fics and of course the reinterpretation of the Garden of Eden songfics set to the music of the Pussycat Dolls.

This on the other hand... I don't even know what this is. If I'm interpreting the opening babble correctly it's possible the author was discussing the foundations of time and space with a lamp post when he wrote this, but the general gist is 'God is a mean fucker, who doesn't like being woken up.'

And begin.

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hail there! Welcome to the first incoming of my new series CRACK FICTION!!! Whatever i wrote shall be pure crack, do not expect more sanity when you read that, don't even EXPECT a bit of moral...Wait, i'm DOING THE MORAL!!! OMFG NOES!!! Ya you know what you want hein? I DON'T OWNS that stupid bible! *wink* *wink*

Hail there! Merry well met and skip to my lou and all that junk. As to the rest of it, well yes clearly crack was involved somewhere.

Ladies and Gentlemen, in tonight's performance, the part of 'The Moral,' will be played by the Bible. Please turn off your mobile phones, extinguish your cigarettes and assume the crash position.

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So i flew away, looking at earth like i perhaps never saw it before, the light coming from the freaking sun was STROOOOOOOOOONGH!!!! And you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS FIRING MY FUCKING LASERS!!!! I BLEW UP DA PLANET! IT WENT POOF!!!

Great, well that was six days well spent wasn't it... so now that you're destroyed earth... what next?

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AN ANGEL appeared of now where, then he said "God, come with me" I turned around and said "No" "Then fuck you"

But didn't smite him with extreme fury... yet.

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I appeared into a white fucking room, WHITE!!! ..And what did i see? "It your lair, make it as home again, you'll have to make some new life" "Wut?" "JUST DO IT!!!!"

Thus endeth the sermon of Nike...

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"I'M A FIRENING MA LASAL!!!!" I SHOOT OFF A FUCKING HUUUUUUUUUUGE BLUE STINCKING LAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Which explains what happened in Norway last week.

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"*Sniff...* I miss him

Actually you didn't, what you're smelling is burning feathers.

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Jesus was there, what the hell, was it just a myth? A simple myth from BEFORE he was Born???

So Jesus was a myth from before he was born who appeared in the now and calls God

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"DAD!"

Your guess is as good as mine.

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A HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE screen pop up, showing THOUSAND AND THOUSAND of person getting popped up "WOAH!!! ...That...BEAUTIFUL!!!!" I could feel it, my eyes were sparkling as i eat that popcorn of mine, were did i take it? From that dude earlier who was floating with his head cutted off, he was so mad that he bleed on me, guess what? I DESTROYED AND ANNIHILATED HIS LIFE!!! YAY!"

Yes folks you read that right... God is watching the annihilation of the planet on his big screen TV while eating popcorn.

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I need a way to torture new people, to kill of childrens of mine fore my owns passion, to kill and eat those who are willing,

Volunteers?

And in the grand finale, God borrows a sword.

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"Dad...What the hell are you doing?" Too late! :3 I killed him :3 HOORAY! "Peace...Peace...Peace...WOOOOOO!!!! What the hell shall i do now????"

Oh my God, you killed Jesus!
You Bastard!

Link please? I want to see the reviews for this puppy . . .

BOY, someone was trying very hard to piss off Christians. All kinds of memes, other random stupid shit and God as first-person narrator who's obviously on a sugar high. It's trying a little too hard, but the flame harvest should be plentiful. Maybe not the most refined troll, but probably a successful one.

That said, the Bible might have been more interesting with more lasers and explosions... maybe Michael Bay should make the movie version.

I found the link:

Bible on Crack

The reviews are indeed lulzy:

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You know, I often imagine what The Judgement Day would look like. I hope I will be there when you are judged... I want to see what you get for this fanfic.

A massive laser show would be my guess.

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this catagory is supposed to be for people who want to share and spread their faith, not bring it down. even if you don't believe in God and the Bible, we do, and we don't appreciate it when people make fun of our beliefs. the things you wrote were hurtful. please take a look at the author "rainpaint" 's profile.

Bawww! Somebody doesn't share my faith! You're being meen to me! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

All trolls go to Hell. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

EileenK98 wrote:

All trolls go to Hell. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Does that include me.

The reviews don't disappoint [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] !

Of 8 reviews, we have:

- 3 bawwing Christians
- 3 people criticizing the troll's writing skills (ranging from "your writing is funny but weird, work on it" to "you should go to prison you bastard!")
- 1 person going "whatevs"
- Nihilist going [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I hope there's going to be more before some butthurt idiot gets this removed.

Sorsa A. Jänis wrote:

EileenK98 wrote:

All trolls go to Hell. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Does that include me.

You're not trying hard enough yet to own that label, Duck. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Sorsa A. Jänis wrote:

EileenK98 wrote:

All trolls go to Hell. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Does that include me.

No, you're a friendly troll so you'll spend a few eons in Purgatory first.

The trolls have discovered the trollfic. This review made me lol:

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PhelpsManLuv
2009-12-12 . chapter 3
Allah will smit you for righting this evil fanfuc

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Lady Anne wrote:

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this catagory is supposed to be for people who want to share and spread their faith, not bring it down. even if you don't believe in God and the Bible, we do, and we don't appreciate it when people make fun of our beliefs. the things you wrote were hurtful. please take a look at the author "rainpaint" 's profile.

Bawww! Somebody doesn't share my faith! You're being meen to me! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Let us have a little thought experiment. Let's say the unthinkable happens and the worship of Jean-Luc Picard becomes an organized, Dogmatized, well-established, congealed religion. Could you imagine the fury that would arise if the Marissa Picard saga ever returned? It would be like the Muslim hatred of Judiasm and Christianity, and the western world all compressed into a single incandescent particle of rage.

Or going into the True Blood section and writing about how the vampires in that series suck ass because they don't sparkle, all with the intellectual grace and poise of a 5-year-old suffering from Tourretes, Parkinsons, and autism at the same time.

I mean, we get so upset when idiotic fanbrats use our fandoms as anal floss, imagine how you would feel if you based your life around that series.

Well, to be fair, I do think the idea of having Bible fanfiction is absurd, I still think people have a right to register their dislike, especially when they say it so calmly and without the malice of some reviews.

unskilled78 wrote:

Well, to be fair, I do think the idea of having Bible fanfiction is absurd

That's kinda the point. Bible fanfic is absurd, and arguably, forbidden by the Bible. That sort of idiocy attracts trolls. The only people in that section aren't going to be trolls are fundies who's parents won't let them read secular fiction, because having a Harry Potter book in your house attracts the invisible Satan demons from Hell dimension X.

Given the circumstances, I don't see what emotional response an onlooker can have, aside from mocking laughter.

EileenK98 wrote:

Link please? I want to see the reviews for this puppy . . .

Sorry for not putting the link in... I'm a little rusty. I see someone else already provided it.

Lysander wrote:

unskilled78 wrote:

Well, to be fair, I do think the idea of having Bible fanfiction is absurd

That's kinda the point. Bible fanfic is absurd, and arguably, forbidden by the Bible. That sort of idiocy attracts trolls. The only people in that section aren't going to be trolls are fundies who's parents won't let them read secular fiction, because having a Harry Potter book in your house attracts the invisible Satan demons from Hell dimension X.

Given the circumstances, I don't see what emotional response an onlooker can have, aside from mocking laughter.

To be fair, Bible fanfic has existed for approximately as long as the Bible has--and probably longer. All those stories in the Bible had to come from somewhere, and were undoubtedly philosophized over, borrowed from and shared with other cultures, used as symbols and for teaching (all those parables Jesus told--those weren't literally true, but they did make good examples for getting a point across, kind of like word problems in math and logic questions in philosophy). Oh, and some of the material in there is historical, though how much is factual and how much is propaganda and the sort of stories that come from word passing from one person to another (which invariably means that things get misinterpreted, exaggerated, understated, forgotten, etc., all made more confusing by the fact that the Bible has come down through many languages, cultures, centuries, copying errors, typos, and so on) is debatable. Obviously, there was a Roman Empire, for example, but as to whether the little details are true is harder to pin down. And, of course, there were all the writings that didn't make it into the canonical Bible (I don't know if those would be considered fanfic or not, but some of those writings undoubtedly were, as were some of the canon ones).

Some of the Bible fanfic has come to be regarded as great literature (Dante's work, for example). Some of it is regarded as canon by some, even if the Bible itself makes no mention of what these people so devoutly believe. Then there are a wide variety of plays, movies, novels, bedtime stories, songs, and, of course, Internet fanfic based on the Bible. Most of the Internet fanfic is either by trolls or fundies, and a lot of it is good for the lulz, though the occasional gem does pop up. As to published works, I must admit to enjoying the musical Jesus Christ Superstar and the novel Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal (I'm an agnostic, but I do like a good story).

Whoa, you just blew my mind. Dante's Inferno is fanon.

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"I'M A FIRENING MA LASAL!!!!" I SHOOT OFF A FUCKING HUUUUUUUUUUGE BLUE STINCKING LAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Whoa, sounds like God's been dipping into Azathoth's stash.