Most of you have no real love for Dan Brown. With his formulaic plots, dull pacing, protagonists who are all alike and all equally wish-fullfillment Stus, and a grip on historical and artistic fact about as tight as the vagina of an 80-year-old fan of Balloon-intercourse. If not, I suggest you read this. Anywho, this is a fanfiction staring Robert Langdon and a special Mary Sue.
The title? Arcane Bloodline
From the first sentance, we are instantly barraged in a veritable hurricane of shit.
- Quote :
- Author's Note: This takes place at Harvard University, and I have no idea how things work in a university, because I'm a sophomore in high school.
Then do research. If you learn anything from Dan Brown, learn that throwing details on the page is the best way to cover for shitty writing skills.
- Quote :
- I am no Dan Brown but I tried my best to make this a good story. I do not own any of Dan Brown's work, only my own characters. I'm really sorry if I get any of this wrong!!
Perhaps I'm just a softie, but I feel kinda sorry for the lass. Were I a better writer myself (& it not mildly creepy), I would take her under my wing to show her how to write well. As it stands, I will have to just snark from a distance. :lolinsane: darn
Her name is Avalon Benvolio Howard.
This is going to hurt, isn't it?
Required description of clothes,
goooooooooooooooooo - Quote :
- Avalon Benvolio Howard read silently at her seat in Harvard University’s symbology department in lecture room 03. She was clad in a solid, thin grey hoodie with its zipper down, revealing her solid blue burnout peasant. She wore silver jeans that were slightly baggy at the cuts, but not enough to hide the frame of her legs, and on her feet were black girl size skate shoes
Meh, I've read worse. Still, I can't help wondering why she is attempting to smuggle a serf in to class under her jacket. Is the author implying that the average Harvard fresh
man person sees anyone not at Harvard or better as being like a kitten, to be carried where one wills?
I should also point out that "Symbology" is not a department at Harvard, but Dan Brown has declared it to be, so we are helpless to resist.
So, apparently her parents had promised to take her to Italy if she is accepted to Harvard, and....something happens. It's obviously a painful memory, but is quickly submerged by her book,
The Hound of the Baskervilles. - Quote :
- She watched as he (Langdon) placed a small binder at the desk and actually smiling at the students’ failure to notice him.
Because most students on their first day of their first year of Harvard would be so cavalier about somebody hanging around the teachers desk.
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- He’s just laughing at them now, isn’t he? Avalon thought wryly before returning to her reading.
given that she just turned right back to her novel, I'd say he's laughing at her, too.
Also, maybe it's just me, but I was scared stiff my first day at college, and that was just your local run-of-the-mill Community Colleges. I don't think reading a book is a great way to start the semester.
- Quote :
- She failed to see Mr. Langdon pull out a remote and click one if its buttons, causing the lights in the lecture room to dim. All of the students become surprised, voicing their confusions as well.
OH-NO NOT THE DARKNESS! NOT THE DARKNESS AHH MY EYES MY EYES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :panic:
- Quote :
- “Now, I assume you are all new to this subject, so I made a little slideshow of religious artwork to see if any of you recognize them.”
Why, yes, a group of Harvard students would be completely ignorant about Italian Rennissance and perhaps the single most common subject-area of the time period.
- Quote :
- Avalon smiled. She was practically in awe of the artwork in Italy, where most religious artwork originated from and are on display.
Everyone except Europe just had pagan artwork. :lolinsane:
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- “Now, can any of you tell me the title of this painting?”
Bueller. Bueller. Bueller.
- Quote :
The painting was of many people in robes, gathered at a dining table, all centered around one man in the very middle. All of the figures had sharp hand gestures besides two, the man in the middle, and the woman to his right. Avalon blinked, and looked at Professor Langdon before looking back to the screen. Is he serious?
No, Langdon just likes to mess with his prospective students by giving them one easy answer before grinding their souls to make his lingerie.
- Quote :
- She quietly sighed as the silence among the students drew longer as Langdon scanned the room. He was smiling, despite the fact that everyone in this class were totally clueless of the painting. “Well? Anyone?” The students looked unsurely to each other, and Avalon inwardly rolled her eyes at them as she opened her book again. Honestly, if they signed up for this class, how could they possibly not know the title of this piece of art? Much less the name of the painter. Unknown to the young girl, Langdon noticed her movement and he raised an eyebrow, wondering if this student wasn’t paying attention. Might as well start picking random children with this one, he thought happily. He pointed to her with a endearing smile on his face and called out, “You! The young woman with the book!”
Avalon blinked in surprise as she lowered her book to her desk, ignoring the looks the other students gave her, and looked to the professor. He nodded and asked,
“Do you know what this painting is called?” Avalon inwardly exhaled, knowing what would happen if she answered.
We don't like Smart kids 'round these here parts.
- Quote :
- Begrudgingly she nodded, leaning back into the desk wall behind her. It was silent, as Langdon raised an eyebrow. “Good, then can you tell us all what it is?” Avalon hesitated before replying,
The Last Supper, Professor, painted by Leonardo Da Vinci in 1498 A.D.” Oh yes, just put in the year for good measure, just like the nerd you are, Avalon! she scolded herself mentally. She watched as the rest of the students stare at her, before Langdon suddenly claps his hands.
However, my dear, you neglected to mention the medium, and its location. Your grade for the semester is an F Triple Minus. However, the rest of you have already been expelled. Your parents have been summoned and your bags are being packed.
Seriously, a group of Harvard students were mystified by This painting?
In another 'fic, this would be a "biting wit" attacking Harvard for its disrespect for Christian and Western art. In this 'fic, it just shows our main character is teh smart without our poor author having to look up something more obscure (Like the
Mona Lisa or
David)
- Quote :
- “Yes, that is correct! And who is the man in the middle?” Avalon was baffled; why was he suddenly questioning her? Already looking for star pupils? The last thing I need is attention!
Bitch, this be Harvard. We don't need no Smart foo's in our hood.
- Quote :
- Giving in to the temptation to answer an easy question, Avalon replied,
“That is Jesus Christ, at His last meal shared with His Twelve Apostles and disciples before His death, hence the title of the painting.”
Robert Langdon was truly impressed with this student, seeing as she is the only one with knowledge of religious art in the entire room. That, or the only one with the guts to be brave on the first day of college and go into detail about the image. He smiled became truly pleased, and he nodded.
Or the only student not brain-dead
- Quote :
- “Excellent! Now...” Here’s the million dollar moment, Langdon mused playfully as he pressed another button on his remote. The image zoomed in on the woman to Jesus’ right, capturing only her neck up to her head. “Do you know who this woman is?” He could tell that the young girl was getting rather conscious about the attention she was getting, and perhaps worried about it as she answered,
“That is Mary Magdalene, who was one of Jesus’ followers, and the most important woman in His movement.”
:law:
Artistic tradition usually had John (AKA, the desciple whom Jesus loved) as a young, clean-shaven, lady-like man.
None of the 4 canon accounts place Mary at table and certainly not in the "place of honor" To suggest otherwise so brazenly would have had Da Vinci in a cell at best, and burned in a fire at worst. The Catholic church did not take well to heresy back then. Especially on the wall of a monastary. Also, to suggest that it must be a lady because they all look more masculine than him is met with :nws:
- Spoiler:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Note the hint of a bust, the lady-like expression, the womanly grace and poise......and the
ZOMG! errect phallus. Unless Langdon is implying that the Archangel Gabriel was a Futa, it should be assumed that he's talking out of his asshole.
- Quote :
- Robert Langdon was chuckling in his mind at the student’s dilemma. One more question, and I’ll leave you alone. He knowingly urged once more, “And what is she claimed to be?”
Avalon blinked at this and she leaned forward.
"Well this one crackpot author I know of suggested she was the Holy Fucktoy, but he's about as trustworthy as this farmworker I have stashed in my breasts.
- Quote :
- “Well, a couple of things, sir. A prostitute, a penitent, but most importantly the wife of Jesus Christ, as well as the mother of His child.” Suddenly Prof. Langdon pointed at Avalon, causing her to flinch in surprise as the students watched their professor begin to walk on the platform.
"Are you looking to lose that Triple-F-Minus? How about a letter grade of "Idiot"?"
- Quote :
- She remembered reading about Langdon’s adventures in Italy when he saved the Vatican City from its destruction, and about his escape from the Paris police when he hunted for the 9 Templars graves in search for the Holy Grail, Mary Magdalene’s resting place.
Now available in all fine booksellers.
- Quote :
- She was very interested and in awe about his adventures, and had even read his books, which she found very helpful in her art studying, for personal reasons, of course.
Of course
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- The young brunette tensed slightly when she noticed a few students were watching her, and she could see the devious intents beneath their gazes. Great. First day of college and I’m already being chosen to do a stranger’s schoolwork...
Your disguise is melting. Your Suevian glory is shining through.
Well, that's chapter 1. I cannae take no more.
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