Let's do the Mattress mambo! Dull style!

Heard about this Liz person on here. I decided to check up on her own works of art. This came to my mind.

Here we have Dawn, who fears getting knocked up at age 16. Fears making a choice whenever to raise it or give it up for adoption.

Shall we take a look see?

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That evening at five-thirty, we did start getting ready. We took turns taking a quick shower and finish getting ready. I kept my hair down in a headband.

How many times did you take a shower, eh?

More vapidness float in this saga until...

We get to were it gets "good".

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"Would you like to have sex? I planned on doing it since we met," said Lewis.
"I love to," I said.
"Have you had sex before?" asked Lewis.
"No," I replied.
"Let's make it interesting," said Lewis.

How intresting? How intresting?!

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We turned off my light, put on the candle, and took off our clothes. That was when we started to have sex. We were on top of each other, kissed, and other stuff.
"This is so nice," I said.
"I know," said Lewis.

"Other Stuff"? What is this other stuff you mention?

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We were doing it for an hour later, when we heard someone calling our names.

Oh noes...

Things pass as the main gal discovers that she feels ill. behold! She is knocked up!

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“Something must be wrong to make your stomach hurting you,” said Mary Anne.

Thanks Doc.

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That’s what we did. She got the milk and bread while I paid the pregnancy test and went to take it. She had just paid them after I came back out. No results showed up yet.

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“I just noticed it’s positive,” I said. “So, I’m pregnant. No wonder my stomach’s been hurting me and I was right about that.”
“Uh-oh,” said Mary Anne.
“Uh-oh is right. What am I going to do? I’m not good at math like Stacey just every other subjects,” I said.
“And how are you going to tell your parents & my dad?” asked Mary Anne.
“I know. Maybe I’ll tell them after I found out how far I was and when I’m due. I might wait after I make my decision,” I said.

I'm on the edge of my seat...

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The next day, at the Stoneybrook Women’s Center, an ultrasound technician told me I was about six weeks.

Six weeks what?

Lets skip to the grim part of the story.

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“Um, something important. First of all, I found out why my stomach’s been hurting me. I’m…,” I paused. “I’m pregnant.”
“How did that happen?” asked Mom.
“I’m not sure at all. But, since I want to get better grades in math, I already decided to do an open adoption earlier,” I said. “When I went for an ultrasound appointment yesterday, I found out I was about six weeks and I’m due on November 20th.”
“How did you do that on your own?” asked Mom.
“I wasn’t by myself. Mary Anne was with me and she was the one who helped me out on how to do an open adoption,” I replied.
They just stared at her.
“She asked me to go with her and help her out,” said Mary Anne.
“Oh, okay,” said Mom.
“When you find out you were pregnant and why you didn’t tell us then?” asked Richard.
“The day before yesterday and I wanted to wait until I made up my mind about what to do with the baby,” I told my stepfather. “Most young teen mothers do that when they’re ready.”
“Oh. That’s true. Isn’t that right, Richard?” asked Mom.
“I guess so,” replied Richard.
“I’m happy with my choice because if I miss too much school because of the baby, the grades could fall and cause me to go to a summer school or stay back. That’s why I’m giving it up for an adoption,” I continued. “I’m not taking a chance of going to summer school or staying behind.”

Blah Blah Blah... Notcied how the parents never reacted over to anything here? You think her parents would say something or be angry or whatever... screw this.

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Several months later, on November 10th, I was reading my book when I felt something. I looked down and noticed my water just broke. I went to call Mr. Olber to tell him that and was going to call the Keller couple. I went to get Mom and told her my water broke and she drove me to the hospital. Mary Anne gets to be with me.

I'm lost at what is going on here. Can someone help me?

Quote :

Three hours later, the doctor said it was time when it finally reached to ten centimeters. I pushed four times until the baby came out.

Pop goes the Crotch Demon!

This is one weird story I found anyway. It makes no sense at all. Looks like I will have to goback to Adultfanfiction.ne to find something...

OMG, Tuxedo Mark has a sister!

This exemplifies two things I've noticed that are common in the works of the banal!fanbrat:

1) An obsession with details, often related to clothes or food, and complete indifference to major events. We're treated to endless details about choosing outfits, but the Big Sex Scene is "...and other stuff", while an entire 9 months of pregnancy barely exists at all. You can get whiplash from the shifts in pacing between the slow-paced scenes of boring trivialities and the sudden jumps past important events.

2) People starting to do things. People don't do things, they start to do things.

"we did start getting ready"
"we started to have sex"
"my stomach was starting to hurt me"

How come they never finish anything? My old nemesis Lollipop used to be horrible about that (she's gotten much better, by the way). People start to walk, start to think, start to open doors, start to start ... they never just walk or think or anything else.

This might qualify as 2a) This author is big on "noticing", as if things she would be expected to look for, like the outcome of the pregnancy test, just drift across her awareness at random.

"I noticed there was a plus sign"
"I just noticed it's positive"
"I looked down and noticed my water just broke"

Oddly enough, the word "saw" -- which would be normally expected in such sentences -- is nowhere in the story. Not at all. Instead we get "noticed", which implies a random sort of awareness -- seeing something you weren't expecting or looking for, like noticing a discrepancy in your phone bill or something out of place on a shelf.

I'm surprised "suddenly" doesn't turn up more than once in this story. That's another word beloved of the fanbrats. Nothing just happens, it always happens suddenly. Oddly enough, that word tends to be abused by the banal!fanbrats, as if they couldn't be arsed to actually write about an event, so they just say "suddenly it happened."

Ah, Critic, you bring such light of reason into the dark word of fanbrattery.

Point 1 is true beyond belief, possibly because in school you're told at a young that detailed description is good in literature, but also undoubtedly because whilst an 11 year old girl might not know the actual mechanics of teh sexy time, she damn well knows about the tartan mini-skirt her mum won't let her buy!

I love the polite casual chitchat employed mid coitus.

'This is so nice.'
'I know.'
'Will you take me to the mall tomorrow?'
'I just came.'

Jesus Christ, Indy, get a damn spell checker.

Wandering Critic wrote:

OMG, Tuxedo Mark has a sister!

You're right, it is rather reminiscent of his stuff, particularly the Linda Danvers Fanfic Series (minus the lesbianism, tangential political diatribes, random references to the latest crappy movie to come out and scenes of the characters buying whole crates worth of anime DVDs).

It still boggles my mind how people (over the age of 12) can post stories that are so devoid of conflict. It's like reading a spelling book or something.

Quote :

"Um, something important. First of all, I found out why my stomach’s been hurting me. I’m…," I paused. "I’m pregnant."
"How did that happen?" asked Mom.

The usual way, Mom, you know; "other stuff".

Quote :

“Uh-oh is right. What am I going to do? I’m not good at math like Stacey just every other subjects,” I said.

So you're no good at maths but you are good at everything else? Well, what's the big deal there, you can't be good at everything.
Anyway, isn't finding out that you're pregnant the more pressing issue at hand here?

Quote :

“And how are you going to tell your parents & my dad?” asked Mary Anne.

And what business is it of Mary-Anne's dad's?
Oh, he's the stepfather. Well if the mum doesn't care, why should he?

I like how she just 'noticed' her water broke. Now my labor was induced, so I managed to miss that particular high point, but I've talked to enough women who've given birth to know that your water breaking is not something you just happen to notice off-handedly, like you'd notice you've got a jam stain one your shirt sleeve.

And 'other stuff' is so vague that if it weren't for the taking off clothes and kissing, they could be doing anything from playing Yahtzee to planning on robbing a bank.

I love how her reply to "How did it happen?" is "I'm not sure."

Other then that this is really boring. I'll just bookmark it for when I want to fall asleep tonight.

Rabid Badger wrote:

I like how she just 'noticed' her water broke. Now my labor was induced, so I managed to miss that particular high point, but I've talked to enough women who've given birth to know that your water breaking is not something you just happen to notice off-handedly, like you'd notice you've got a jam stain one your shirt sleeve.

And 'other stuff' is so vague that if it weren't for the taking off clothes and kissing, they could be doing anything from playing Yahtzee to planning on robbing a bank.

Strip poker, maybe? That's what I can think of at the moment.

Why on earth is it these people try to write sex scenes when they clearly know so little about how to fuck? I mean, wanting to write about sex is fine, but if, when you open up your Notepad file and sit there for 45 minutes with nothing but,

Quote :

We turned off my light, put on the candle, and took off our clothes. That was when we started to have sex. We were on top of each other, kissed, and

typed up, and you just sit there trying to work out what should come after the teasing I'm-going-to-Missionary-you-style pinning-down and heated snogging, then you're clearly not ready to write such scenes. Surely your own lack of inspiration is the stronges indicator you could get.

I'm partially surprised, with the author's penchant for dullness, that she didn't just write,

Quote :

And then it went in. And then it went out. And then it went in again. And then it went out again. And then it went in again. And then it went out again. And then it went in again. And then it went out again. And then it went in again. And then it went out again. And then it went in again. And then it went out again. And then it went in again. And then it went out again. And then it went in again. And then it went out again.

And then he came.

It would have been about as entertaining. And would have made for more scene-filler.

I have more time than you could possibly comprehend but this story is so boring I actually consider reading this to be a waste of it.

INDY. SPELL CHECKER. Seriously, you can't even spell "mattress". Or "perhaps".

Cyberwulf wrote:

INDY. SPELL CHECKER. Seriously, you can't even spell "mattress". Or "perhaps".

waht are you geting so worked up abuot?

eta: 100 pots yay

Quote :

Let's do the Mattress mambo! Dull style!

Let's snark! Dull style! :lolinsane:

the asylum wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

INDY. SPELL CHECKER. Seriously, you can't even spell "mattress". Or "perhaps".

waht are you geting so worked up abuot?

eta: 100 pots yay

You're such a stupid asshole.

Cyberwulf wrote:

the asylum wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

INDY. SPELL CHECKER. Seriously, you can't even spell "mattress". Or "perhaps".

waht are you geting so worked up abuot?

eta: 100 pots yay

You're such a stupid asshole.

Way to subvert the stereotype of women being petty and nagging.

Cyberwulf wrote:

stuff

I've been meaning to ask you since forever, Cyberwulf: why does your avatar wear a stole?

Cyberwulf wrote:

the asylum wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

INDY. SPELL CHECKER. Seriously, you can't even spell "mattress". Or "perhaps".

waht are you geting so worked up abuot?

eta: 100 pots yay

You're such a stupid asshole.

He isn't right now but I could definitely do something about that.

The Unoriginal wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

stuff

I've been meaning to ask you since forever, Cyberwulf: why does your avatar wear a stole?

It's actually a hi-vis vest. I wear one at work.

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"Would you like to have sex?

"Yes, but not with you."

Quote :

We turned off my light, put on the candle, and took off our clothes.

"Uh, Dawn, I've know you've never had sex before, but one doesn't typically wear a candle on their head while doing it."

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We were on top of each other, kissed, and other stuff.

1.) To be on top of each other is impossible. One of you has to be on the bottom.
2.) If the foreplay is so boring that "other stuff" adequately describes it, you may as well just skip it.

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“Uh-oh is right. What am I going to do? I’m not good at math like Stacey just every other subjects,” I said.

"OH NOEZ, I'M PREGNANT AND I SUCK AT MATH!!1!"

wat?

Quote :

“Um, something important. First of all, I found out why my stomach’s been hurting me. I’m…,” I paused. “I’m pregnant.”
“How did that happen?” asked Mom.

"Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much, a buzzer goes off in a dimly lit room. A feathered finger turns it off, and The Stork knows what he must do. He identifies and locates the target, and then he waits. When the time is right, he surprises the target with his Stork Penis.

Nine months later, he comes back with a baby he stapled together with parts he collected from the cemetery then shrunk down to the correct size with dark magics."

the asylum wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

INDY. SPELL CHECKER. Seriously, you can't even spell "mattress". Or "perhaps".

waht are you geting so worked up abuot?

eta: 100 pots yay

EPIC GET!

Cyberwulf wrote:

The Unoriginal wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

stuff

I've been meaning to ask you since forever, Cyberwulf: why does your avatar wear a stole?

It's actually a hi-vis vest. I wear one at work.

Ahhh... now I get it.

Quote :

But, since I want to get better grades in math, I already decided to do an open adoption earlier,” I said.

Haha, I love her obsession with math. "I'm preggers?! OH NOES I WILL NEVER GET GOOD GRADES IN MATH NOW!!" This is supposed to be Dawn, you would think she would be more concerned about how a baby will affect her plan to run away and join Greenpeace.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Quote :

But, since I want to get better grades in math, I already decided to do an open adoption earlier,” I said.

Haha, I love her obsession with math. "I'm preggers?! OH NOES I WILL NEVER GET GOOD GRADES IN MATH NOW!!" This is supposed to be Dawn, you would think she would be more concerned about how a baby will affect her plan to run away and join Greenpeace.

Silly girl, she'll take the baby with her! Raising an infant on a boat dedicated to fighting whalers and other evil people who ruin the environment is the perfect place for a kid to grow up.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Quote :

But, since I want to get better grades in math, I already decided to do an open adoption earlier,” I said.

Haha, I love her obsession with math. "I'm preggers?! OH NOES I WILL NEVER GET GOOD GRADES IN MATH NOW!!" This is supposed to be Dawn, you would think she would be more concerned about how a baby will affect her plan to run away and join Greenpeace.

Silly girl, she'll take the baby with her! Raising an infant on a boat dedicated to fighting whalers and other evil people who ruin the environment is the perfect place for a kid to grow up.

I think that was in an episode of Captain Planet.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Haha, I love her obsession with math. "I'm preggers?! OH NOES I WILL NEVER GET GOOD GRADES IN MATH NOW!!" This is supposed to be Dawn, you would think she would be more concerned about how a baby will affect her plan to run away and join Greenpeace.

Silly girl, she'll take the baby with her! Raising an infant on a boat dedicated to fighting whalers and other evil people who ruin the environment is the perfect place for a kid to grow up.

Well, to be fair, my dad used to take me to his med school lectures when I was a baby. HE BECAME A DOCTOR ANYWAY!! DAWN, YOU CAN STILL ACE MATH!!!!