I've been reading a couple from this author and even though I'm fairly generous when it comes to some aspects of author personalization (aka the raping of canon) there comes a point where the air brakes turn on all by themselves and I'm heard BRA-A-A-APPPING about three apartment doors down. This one just smashed the easy button for me.
Bed Shopping or better known how to fail at making a well educated purchase.
A few key notes to understand here, the author has deluded themselves that Rude is EPICLY HUEG and Reno is EPICLY MINIATURE, regardless of the plethora of screencaps I was able to easily track down. As quoted from On Top of a Car:
- Quote :
- In fact, shoes off, the redhead only came up to just an inch or two above Rude’s elbow.
Seriously? I know the boys don't have any hard facts published, but THAT takes the cake for me. (Where's my portal gun, I want it back now ktnx.) Enough of the bitching, more snarking! Let us commense in 3... 2... 1... *tweet*
- Quote :
- Rude, however, couldn’t stop thinking about something kind of strange Reno had said earlier during a conversation with Elena:
Considering the mystery of his 'zuto' catchphrase, I seriously wonder if 'strange' things aren't more common than the Author believes.
- Quote :
- “I do not recall that,” Reno said.
Wait, what? Reno knows proper English? You mean the millions and millions of untranslatable slang phrases were all a ruse?? I'll be damned!
- Quote :
- “No,” Reno said, as if it were the dumbest question anyone had ever asked him. “Wow, though, you’re a lot nicer than me. If you cheated, I’d rip your left ball out and make you
eat it.”
Really now. Just the left. In-teresting. *thoughtful pose*
- Quote :
- “Aw, Reno, you wore underwear today!”
...well that's one fanon factoid correctly nailed. Wonder what the special occasion was. No wait, I think I really don't.
- Quote :
- Reno sighed happily, but his feet and legs didn’t seem to agree.
Wait, wut? I never did see Happy Feet so perhaps this is the antithesis?
Insert more gratuitous clothes removal, porn noises, and more of the ever present and free flowing precum.
- Quote :
- They felt their balls clench tightly, their bodied going rigid for a full twenty seconds before releasing.
I'm free to admit, I'm a (somewhat) proud owner of a pair of tits, but 20 seconds? Wouldn't that be more in line with a cramp than something pleasurable?
Throughout their frotting, there are several lines that characterized the bed's complaints, culminating with:
- Quote :
- The bed settled again and creaked a few more times. It suddenly let out a very loud ‘snap’ and collapsed.
Now, having claimed tit ownership, I will also admit to having broken a bed in the throws of passion. Dependent upon the age and construction of said bed, I can tell you that under their 'exuberant' actions (a) wood boxframes don't put up a fuss like that and (2) old bed frames don't put up a fuss like that. They may teeter totter, but they certainly don't go out all drawn-out like that. Just sayin'.
- Quote :
- “I’ve had that bed since 1986,” Rude glared. “It has sentimental value.”
Excuse me? I might have odd shit from my childhood, but that's just disturbing.
- Quote :
- Reno lead Rude over to a chart posted in the middle of the showroom. It had a listing of what type of mattress people should buy based on their weight.
Wait. WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. Just who, or what store, sells their mattresses in accordance to a person's weight? Alright, say there are guidelines, but with Uber!Rude coming in at a quoted 270 and Micro!Reno at 118 that still doesn't make any sense when the BIGGER lunk needs a firmer mattress and the lighter one needs a softer one. I've had no less than three new mattresses in my lifetime, and every last one of 'em has told me that for my lard ass I needed a softer pad. Because the ladies hips and junk filled trunk, we gots to have the squish.
- Quote :
- A clerk was giving them an odd look.
“You got a problem, pizza-face?” Reno snapped.
The clerk wisely shook his head ‘no’ and moved on.
This clinched it for me, explained absolutely everything that's an obvious objection in my eyes. This person's never been to a Mattress Mart (or what have you.) Those fuckers don't take anything but your credit card number for an answer.
- Quote :
We’re going to be out over four-hundred-thousand gil by the time we leave here!’
Following their notation at the bottom, gil is loosely based on yen. So we're looking at about 4 grand. Um. Someone apparently lives on the rich end of town.
- Quote :
- “Relax, I have a coupon,”
Oh, well that fixes everything. Or wait, maybe they were calling into one of those infomercial beds, the ones that raise up and down and fold you like an American Eagle shirt!
- Quote :
- They hugged and kissed. At this point, they’d managed to move almost the entire floor to tears. Some applauded, others cheered.
After the prissiest of arguments that could ever be imagined. To which we find out that the argument was simply a ploy for a better discount. Someday I'll have to try flaunting my secretly gay lifestyle and see what kinds of bargains I can score.
I suppose I can leave you all guessing as to the fate of the new bed. Not that hard of a reach, but it carries on for a bit longer than really is warranted for a R/R fic, and the name of the piercing is a Prince Albert, it's okay to call it by that, seriously.
~fin~
I already know this is on the weak side, but my internal Muse was already vomiting profusely. I think it might have been an allergic reaction to the amount of suck. Alas, comments always welcome, feel free to share the trauma <3
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