DragonForce RPS with the least plausible MPreg ever written (NWS)

Sam x Herman RP Part 1 by randysixx
Part 2
Part 3

It's Mature-rated, so you'll need a DeviantArt account to read this.

I just don't even know where to start with this one. Sam Totman/Herman Li is my guilty pleasure OTP and the only fic I know of for them defies all logic and basic biology.

Quote :

He raised the palm of his hand to his chin while leaning his arm onto
the table. Bored. Riding the bus to the next location was always the
most boring part. He was hoping for some more action soon or else he
thought he would die of boredom.

...So, I'm guessing that he's bored?

Quote :

"I...Well, I uhm...I have a confession to make...I'm bi. You know what
that is, right? And, and...I...really...really...Ahhh, I love you! More
than just as a friend, I really love you!" Sam was panting after
finally getting it out. Herman blinked, surprsed. He knew that Sam was
bi, considering the sticker on his guitar, but he never knew that he
loved HIM! Herman laughed and scratched his head a bit. "Well... I am
humble about your confession," he said nervously. He wasn't sure about
his feelings just yet. "Well, think awhile about it. If you're freaked
out or anything, that's fine, I can understand if you are...And yet, if
you feel the same, great!" Sam looked further away, cheeks bright red
with blush.

Because fully grown men have the emotional responses of a 14-year-old girl!

And yes, it really is formatted like that. Squished paragraphs of text don't make for easy reading.

Quote :

He leaned over to Sam slowly and just before his lips got too close, he
heard a "Hey!" on the side of him. He quickly turned to see Dave
smiling to them. "What are you guys doing? Talking to each other really
close? This isn't time for secrets!"

"Well, we definitely weren't about to make out. What do you think this is, some kind of badfic?"

Quote :

"Yes..." Sam sighed. Now he was starting to feel anxious, especially in
his pants. Sure, his thing was nothing compared to the one ZP had, but
still it bothered him right now.

So...he's also gay for ZP?

Quote :

He gave a warm smile. Sam looked
up a little at Herman and smiled. "Well, alright...I guess you're
right...but I'm only like 100lbs., don't you think that's a bit light
for someone like me?"

I'm pretty sure that he would, in fact, be anorexic at that point!

Quote :

Herman then started to take off his pants too. "You know... you can
play my guitar anytime you want to," he said with a wink. He hoped that
Sam would get what he just said. Sam nodded, smiling widely. He knew
exactly what Herman had meant by that. "And you can do the same with
mine!" Sam said.

...I don't get it. Could you possibly be a little less subtle here?

Quote :

Herman kissed him as well, also doing he same, but his other hand was
going more lower than that. Right onto Sam's. "Ooooh yeahhh! That's
just what I need!" Sam rolled to the side, so Herman could have an
easier time getting to Sam's.

You know, on one hand I'm relieved that the authors don't go for overblown euphemisms like "towering pillar of manhood". But on the other...is it so hard to refer to their penises directly? I mean, you're already writing a sex scene. There's no need to be so shy about it.

Quote :

Under his own hands, he could feel that Herman's nipples had grown as
pointed and hard like rocks. Herman was getting to his own point. He
didn't know how Sam would get into him, but he wanted Sam right now.
His tongue went a bit further, yet it still played with Sam's. Sam
could feel that Herman was close to that point.

Er...is he about to orgasm just from a kiss?

Quote :

Herman did as he was told, lifting himself up and flipping over. He waited for Sam to aim for his target.

Sam wondered why Herman had a giant bullseye in between his butt cheeks.

Quote :

"Oh, but it is!" Herman said as he started to lick Sam's lips again.
"And by the way, I have a gift for you as well. Tasting it or feeling
it, it's your choice." "A gift eh? Hmmm...I'll go for tasting it this
time..." Sam could pretty much guess what it would be, but he didn't
mind, either tasting or feeling was alright.

"Is it candy?"

Quote :

"So you know what it was already, hm?" he asked as he moaned a bit
more. Sam nodded. He kept on enjoying and licking it like it was a
bottle of Jack.

"That's not candy! That's not candy at all!"

Quote :

All of a sudden, Herman felt himself cumming and let it all cum out. He
moaned once again and let Sam taste it all. Sam let go of Herman and
was now focused on tasting the sticky, thick sweetness that filled his
mouth.

"Well, I guess it tastes like candy."

Quote :

Laughing, ZP said, "I thought I heard somethin' going on...I just
wasn't sure if it was only one of you havin' a wank or what...But now I
know...!" "You did it with him!" Fred said as everyone else bursted
laughing.

I pity the hotel staff that has to wipe burst bodies off the walls.

Quote :

ZP and Vadim were just standing there, watching as Sam and Herman
were getting to it again. But, Sam ignored them and tried to make
himself relax.

They just stand there and watch? What?

Quote :

"Nobody knows," Herman said. "Love is so strange..." "Yeah...People
don't need physical weapons when love is strong enough to kill..." Sam
sighed. "That's right," Herman said. "But I still love you whatever the
cost may be." "And I'll always love you too...If I had to, I'd die for
you to live." Herman smirked to Sam. He then started to kiss him again,
putting his hands softly on his lover's head.

Never mind that his reaction a few hours ago was "Oh, you're in love with me? Neat! Let's make out!"

Quote :

"I know this is a little random, but I don't feel good. And it's not
from too much drinking...it's like from something I ate..." Sam
whispered. His stomach now felt like someone was squeezing it from the
inside. "Wow. That's rare," Herman said as he laughed. "I never would
of guessed that! Well, sorry for that. Shall I take care of you?"

Quote :

"Well... maybe my cum was weird..." he laughed. "I think I know what
happened...but it couldn't be possible because it can't happen to
men..." Sam whispered. What he was thinking of now was the only
solution he could come up with. Herman's smile was now a look of shock.
"Y...You're kidding..." he said as he stared at Sam.

Morning sickness? Already? But Sam couldn't possibly be pregnant, could he?

Spoilers: ...Yes. Yes, he is.

Quote :

Sam sighed. Now he was starting to feel anxious, especially in
his pants.

I don't know much about Dragonforce beyond enjoying their music, but based on that I would have thought that if they were to have sex with each other, it would involve a lot more black leather, charging across apocalyptic battlefields on a chariot built for two, stuff exploding, and so forth, than this generic adolescent slash-cliche-fest.

Keith Fraser wrote:

I don't know much about Dragonforce beyond enjoying their music, but based on that I would have thought that if they were to have sex with each other, it would involve a lot more black leather, charging across apocalyptic battlefields on a chariot built for two, stuff exploding, and so forth, than this generic adolescent slash-cliche-fest.

THIS. XD;

Also, now that I know this exists, it may enter my mind whilst watching them in concert in a few weeks. That scares me D:

I left the author a review giving my opinion of what Dragonforce slash should probably involve. We'll have to see how they react. :D I leave you with this thought:

"Dragonforce don't do slash. But if they did, it'd probably be the most loud, explosive and epic slash in the world."

Keith Fraser wrote:

I don't know much about Dragonforce beyond enjoying their music, but based on that I would have thought that if they were to have sex with each other, it would involve a lot more black leather, charging across apocalyptic battlefields on a chariot built for two, stuff exploding, and so forth, than this generic adolescent slash-cliche-fest.

Also everything is on fire.

And it gets worse. Much, much, much worse. Here follows my feeble attempt at snarking chapter 2.

Quote :

"No I'm not, I have the symptoms...Weakness, throwing up...overall just
feeling like something isn't right...." Sam said. "Hmm..." Herman said,
but he couldn't think. "....Let's have a beer!" was the only solution
he could think of. "But...I...I'm gonna have a baby! I can't!" Sam
sobbed. His thin cheeks were shiny with tears. "You don't want us to
have to raise a retarded baby, do you?!"

I can't help but notice that no one ever, ever suggests that it's something besides morning sickness.

Quote :

The message read " Fred… que je dois vous voir maintenant. I'm venant…
mais Max et Nick, ils ne viendront pas avec me." "Hmm..." Fred was so
used to speaking in English. He decided to open up the Google language
tool. In English: "Fred...I need to see you now. I'm coming...but Max
and Nick, they will not be with me".

I'm pretty sure language acquisition doesn't work that way. Fred's very, very French. As French as baguettes and unconditional surrender. He does not need Google to translate the text you ran through Google in the first place!

Quote :

"Say no more, Pierre," Fred said as he looked down. "I have to do this.
And it's because of my own destiny..." He then swiftly turned around,
grabbed Pierre in his arms, and gave him a romantic kiss.

He's...destined to spawn a litter of assbabies?

Quote :

He then swiftly turned around, grabbed Pierre in his arms, and gave him
a romantic kiss. Pierre's hazel eyes were wide. So...Fred DID feel the
same after all!

Why does everyone in this fic automatically fall in love?

Quote :

Pierre tugged at Fred's shirt, wanting it to come off. "I want this,
you...very bad...You tell me that Sam is to have Herman's
children...Well I want to have yours..." Fred nodded. "If you like," he
said as he stood up, taking his shirt off and then his pants.

Because a little nausea a few hours after oral sex is an undeniable sign of pregnancy, especially in a man!

Quote :

"You enjoyed that, huh?" he asked warmly. "Definitely," he replied.
"Now all there is to do is wait..." "Yes," Fred said as she smiled once
again. "But should I put my pants on now? I don't want any of the
others to come in here and find out...!" "Right, right," Pierre agreed.
He got up and also began putting his clothes back on.

I cannot get over how they all automatically accept that it's possible to get pregnant through oral sex. I mean, there's some flimsy narrative justification (and I'll get to that in a minute), but it still makes absolutely no sense!

Quote :

"So..." "A name...Actually, two names; one if it's a girl or the other
if it's a boy..." "Hmm... if it's a girl..." Fred repeated as he
scratched his beard. "...She'll be named Renee. And if it's a boy,
he'll be named Jaq." Pierre nodded, agreeing.

Because Pierre has no will of his own beyond being a convenient place for Fred's babies to gestate.

Quote :

Pierre looked down, thinking. "...Could I come with you? You know, like
we do a double...both Dragonforce and Maladaptive?" "Of course," Fred
said with a smile. "But we have to make sure no one knows. I told
everyone I wouldn't be seeing you because I wasn't that way. Now... I
can't explain how I really feel about you. I...It's too difficult to..."

...So he doesn't mind bringing a pregnant man on tour as long as no one thinks he's gay?

Quote :

"That's fine," Fred said as he took him to his room, locking the doors to make sure no one would come through.

Quote :

"I think I hear something...Is there one or two people...?" Sam
whispered. "I think two..." Herman whispered as well, trying to get an
ear of who and what they were doing. "What if...Could it be...Was I
actually right?" Sam said. "If only we could get this door open!"
"Wait... the door doesn't have a lock...?" Herman said as he swiftly
opened the door. "Aha?"

...Fred just locked a door that has no lock?

Quote :

"What do we do with this awesome knowledge now?" asked Sam. "What we
always do with it," Herman said as he laughed. "We tell everyone!" Sam
giggled quietly and ran off to go find Dave, ZP, and Vadim. "Wait Sam!"
Herman called, running after him, laughing like a little kid.

Quote :

Once the two of them burst into the main room, Sam yelled, "Fred and
Pierre are together!" "We saw it!" Herman said with a laugh. Vadim
freaked out a little, but he recovered and said without thinking, "I
got to see this...!"

Sam...does not giggle. Or squee like a teenage girl. Ever. Not even over hot French guys having sex!

Quote :

Herman said as he bowed his head and started to suck on Sam's as much
and as hard as he could. Sam leaned back and enjoyed this to its
fullest. "That's right...!" Herman kept on doing so, wanting him to
make an explosion in his mouth.

You know, you should try sucking on cocks instead of dynamite...

Quote :

"Ah yes, the one where I told that I wanted to have his children...I
remember. And now you know I was serious about that...It will happen."
"It will...? Hah! And how are you going to do that?" Herman asked with
a laugh. "You don't have female sex organs!" "Yes I know that...But
there's only one I really need in order to have babies..." "And what's
that?" Herman asked with a smirk. Like Pierre would have one. "All I
needed was a womb..." Pierre lifted his shirt and pointed out a light
scar on the left side of his stomach.

"W…What!?" Herman
shouted as his eyes began to grow wide. Now he wondered if Sam had one
too for if he did, Herman too would have a child. "What the....?!" Sam
was just as surprised. "Yep, you can actually get stuff like this done
in Paris if you know where to go for it..."

That is the official explanation for all the pregnant guys in this fic. French womb implant surgery.

Quote :

"Uhm...the last time we were in France...did I...?" Sam asked. He knew
that Herman knew the rest of the question. "I don't remember..." Herman
said as he shook his head. "If it's something you're thinking of and I
wasn't there, I'm not sure..." "OK..." Sam said. He looked down at his
stomach, looking for a scar like the one Pierre had. Unfortunately...he
found it. "Uhm...Herman...We have a problem..." Sam pointed to the
scar. Herman looked and his eyes were wide.

...French womb implant surgery that Sam does not remember having. This will never stop being funny, ever. Ever. And probably not even then.

French womb implant surgery.

French womb implant surgery.

FRENCH WOMB IMPLANT SURGERY.

:knorg:


Edit: God, I just want to sig the fuck out of this whole fic.

Seule wrote:

Quote :

Sam sighed. Now he was starting to feel anxious, especially in
his pants.

Anxious in his pants?

This is a truly epic line, and I'm going to see if I can find a way to work it into everyday conversation. :roflmao:

Seule wrote:

French womb implant surgery.

French womb implant surgery.

FRENCH WOMB IMPLANT SURGERY.

:knorg:


Edit: God, I just want to sig the fuck out of this whole fic.

You forgot :headshot: and :tmi:

French Womb Implant Surgery = the title of Dragonforce's next album Y/N?

Starbright wrote:

...Fred just locked a door that has no lock?

Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
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Not sure I can coherently express an opinion about the second chapter of the fic. Like a lot of slashfic, especially RPS, it just seems to be a parade of non-fandom-specific cliches, including the obligatory mpreg. Why? Do people write this kind of swill because they genuinely think every character/celebrity on earth behaves the same in a romantic relationship? Are they writing 'original' fiction masquerading as fanfic? Gaaaaaaah.

Link: discussion of RPS at the Ficbitches LJ.

Imagining epic Dragonforce slash is pretty amusing, though. No doubt it'd end with the band riding out against the forces of homophobia in a battle that would devastate half the planet, after which they would turn into dragons and fly into space or something. Edit: It might also look like a genderflipped version of this.

Dragonforce don't do French womb implant surgery. But if they did, it'd probably be the best French womb implant surgery in the world.