 | Why God, Why?
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| | | Weirdest story you've ever written? |  |
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+19CaptainMcNeil Just Chipper Dimensia Cyberwulf Quijotesca Drabbler KJM myeerah neko mata Harley Quinn hyenaholic grmblfjx Azzandra the asylum Khajidu Sheba KelinciHutan Alhazred rae Tungsten Monk 23 posters | |
| Author | Message |
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Tungsten Monk
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 36
Location : Cedar Rapids, IA
| | Subject: Weirdest story you've ever written? Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:44 pm | |
| Now, we spend a lot of time snarking godawful fanfic, and loads of that fanfic is godawful simply for its plot. Many classic badfics owe their legendary status not to the particularly awful quality of writing, but to the fact that their authors were apparently snorting powdered mushrooms and oven cleaner while coming up with their premises.
The thing is, though, not all out-there work is necessarily bad. Not all crack-laced plotbunnies are created equally.
So talk to me, WGW. What's the weirdest story you've come up with? What crackfic, bizarre crossovers, and over-the-top parodies have you written? Was it something that violated the laws of physics, or just the laws of good taste?
To get the ball rolling . . . I once crossed over G.I. Joe and the Deadpool comics. This was inspired by one simple fact: both comics star characters that are mutilated, masked martial arts masters with redheaded paramours. The major difference between them was that one masked man was mute and the other was incapable of shutting up. There was absolutely no way in hell that these two universes, timelines, or sets of characters would ever coincide, but the Rule of Funny trumped everything.
Now I'm crossing over G.I. Joe and Alien vs. Predator. I think I need help. | |
| | | | rae
Contributor
Join date : 2009-06-10
Location : computer chair
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:08 pm | |
| I wrote a short story where two government agents were questioning the womb of a Seer. See, she was dead, and the womb had been known to wander through her body (she was hysterical. Ha. ha. Ha.) and listen to conversations, so it was the only way to get the information. The womb was quite ill-tempered. | |
| | | | Alhazred
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-07-21
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:34 am | |
| The very first epic (  ) multichaptered thing I wrote was a Resident Evil/Castlevania crossover. This was, like, more than ten years ago, and I still have it on my ff.net account (along with a whole host of other old crap) just because I like to remember where I came from. And how awful my writing was at the time. The inspiration was the initial thought of using Castlevania to explain why Wesker was both alive and had superpowers (canon hadn't established anything yet, Code Veronica was the newest Resident Evil at the time) and I thought it would be a fun challenge to take the "Wesker is a vampire" theory and run with it seriously. Most of my batshittery comes from Nanowrimo, where my motto is "The more batshit it is, the more words you can get out of it." My first year I did a deranged self-insert original story with an urban fantasy setting and the occasional gay sex scene. One year I did a Top Gun/Airwolf crossover that, sadly, I didn't finish, it actually worked out rather well. Last year, I did a Metal Gear/Generation Kill crossover. Tradition is looking to continue, as my ideas for this year are a) an Army of Two kinda-spoof, b) Marble Hornets/Team Fortress 2, or c) Marble Hornets/BlazBlue. - Tungsten Monk wrote:
- Now, we spend a lot of time snarking godawful fanfic, and loads of that fanfic is godawful simply for its plot. Many classic badfics owe their legendary status not to the particularly awful quality of writing, but to the fact that their authors were apparently snorting powdered mushrooms and oven cleaner while coming up with their premises.
The thing is, though, not all out-there work is necessarily bad. Not all crack-laced plotbunnies are created equally.
So talk to me, WGW. What's the weirdest story you've come up with? What crackfic, bizarre crossovers, and over-the-top parodies have you written? Was it something that violated the laws of physics, or just the laws of good taste?
To get the ball rolling . . . I once crossed over G.I. Joe and the Deadpool comics. This was inspired by one simple fact: both comics star characters that are mutilated, masked martial arts masters with redheaded paramours. The major difference between them was that one masked man was mute and the other was incapable of shutting up. There was absolutely no way in hell that these two universes, timelines, or sets of characters would ever coincide, but the Rule of Funny trumped everything.
Now I'm crossing over G.I. Joe and Alien vs. Predator. I think I need help. ...can I read both of those? - rae wrote:
- I wrote a short story where two government agents were questioning the womb of a Seer. See, she was dead, and the womb had been known to wander through her body (she was hysterical. Ha. ha. Ha.) and listen to conversations, so it was the only way to get the information. The womb was quite ill-tempered.
...did it answer? | |
| | | | Tungsten Monk
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 36
Location : Cedar Rapids, IA
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:49 pm | |
| - Alhazred wrote:
...can I read both of those?
Er, sure, if you don't mind being subjected to my particular brand of humor. I'm on fanfiction.net as Totenkinder Madchen, and the stories are Silence is Golden and Corazones y Cazadores. And rae, now I'm curious too. Did it answer? What did it say? | |
| | | | rae
Contributor
Join date : 2009-06-10
Location : computer chair
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 2:15 pm | |
| It did, after some 'persuasion.' Pasting it under a cut, since it's not all that long. - Spoiler:
It wasn't every day that there was a case like this, I thought. Oh, I'd had some weird ones before, but nothing quite like this one. Before me was a jar, filled with faintly pinkish water that bubbled merrily around the contents. A uterus. Some might say the uterus. Some also read too much into things. I crossed my arms, staring at the thing.
“The fuck are you lookin' at, lady?”
I jumped, shocked, though I'd been informed this would happen. The Uterus had a deep voice, the sort that sounded like someone had been licking the bottoms of whiskey-soaked ashtrays. “You. Who else would I be looking at?”
“Fuck you. I know why you're here and I ain't doin' it.” It was amazing how much range of emotion the uterus was able to display, merely by crossing its fallopian tubes. “Why the fuck should I even help you? Do I look like a bitch? I ain't sayin' shit.” Uterus sniffed derisively.
“I hope you realize we have been authorized to get that information any way that we must,” I replied coolly. It was a uterus. How hard could it be?
“Back off! I know Kung Fu!” The uterus made punching motions with its ovaries.
I snapped my fingers. My colleague opened the jar and struggled to fish the uterus out. It flailed madly, smacking him several times in the face. He barely managed to toss it onto the table and hold it down. “It's slippery!” He looked very green in the face. The three scientists with us looked as if they might lose their lunches. “OH GOD!” Like an octopus shooting ink, it began spurting blood in self-defense. I didn't even have to say anything; he tossed the thing back in the jar, where it sank to the bottom and began cursing us all soundly.
“You fuckers, I'm going to get you fuckers. You just see if I help you now!” The uterus beat on the jar. “You ain't gonna hear nothin'! Nothin'!”
I sighed. We needed the information. It was of vital importance to national security and only the uterus knew the answers. “We will get the information. You could save yourself a lot of trouble if you simply get this over with.” I pulled up a chair. The uterus had wandered all through the body of its host, gradually driving her insane before it was removed. In that time, it had heard things. Perhaps even seen things. Better yet, its host had been a prophetess; she had been assassinated to keep something secret. I began to speak to it. It was too bad that I'd taken the forceful way first. It was now obstinate in its refusal. This was counter to what I had been taught. According to all my studies, the immediate violence should have cowed the uterus.
I finally sighed. We were running out of time. I stood up and excused myself. The uterus continued to scream at me. I whispered to my colleague past the door. The uterus pressed against the glass, suspicious now. I smiled at it and it shrank back, setting its ovaries in position to punch at me if I tried anything. There was little else it could do in self-defense, being a uterus. He returned and held up a syringe of thick, white fluid. I smiled at the uterus, “Tell us or you will be injected with this. I'm certain you don't want to be impregnated, do you?”
“You wouldn't!” The uterus pressed back against the back of the jar, making a squeaking sound. It trembled visibly. The syringe was held closer and the uterus threw its ovaries up in a sign of defeat. “Fine, I'll tell you everything!” I wrote furiously to keep up with the uterus's confessions. When finally, there was no more, I glanced at my partner, “That was a fast trip to the bathroom for that.”
He chuckled, “Liquid soap.”
“You tricked me! NO!” The screams of the uterus was music to my ears as we walked away.
Sadly, all I can find is this first draft. The later version, which detailed the confession a bit, has apparently been lost. | |
| | | | KelinciHutan
Global Nomad
Join date : 2009-06-03
Age : 39
Location : USS Enterprise
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 2:39 pm | |
| My two weirdest offerings are both crossovers. One is a Batman/Kim Possible crossover that would not leave me alone until I wrote it. Oddly enough, that one has been getting a lot of favorites lately, so apparently somebody likes it. The other is a Batman/Jurassic Park crossover where Bats rescues Ian Malcolm from getting eaten by velociraptors. You may read them, if you wish, here and here. The first one is a drabble and the next one is a short one-shot. | |
| | | | Sheba
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 36
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:01 pm | |
| Start scribbling out a YuGiOh/ .//Hack crossover once, then lost interest and it died. | |
| | | | Alhazred
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-07-21
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:19 pm | |
| - rae wrote:
- It did, after some 'persuasion.' Pasting it under a cut, since it's not all that long.
- Spoiler:
It wasn't every day that there was a case like this, I thought. Oh, I'd had some weird ones before, but nothing quite like this one. Before me was a jar, filled with faintly pinkish water that bubbled merrily around the contents. A uterus. Some might say the uterus. Some also read too much into things. I crossed my arms, staring at the thing.
“The fuck are you lookin' at, lady?”
I jumped, shocked, though I'd been informed this would happen. The Uterus had a deep voice, the sort that sounded like someone had been licking the bottoms of whiskey-soaked ashtrays. “You. Who else would I be looking at?”
“Fuck you. I know why you're here and I ain't doin' it.” It was amazing how much range of emotion the uterus was able to display, merely by crossing its fallopian tubes. “Why the fuck should I even help you? Do I look like a bitch? I ain't sayin' shit.” Uterus sniffed derisively.
“I hope you realize we have been authorized to get that information any way that we must,” I replied coolly. It was a uterus. How hard could it be?
“Back off! I know Kung Fu!” The uterus made punching motions with its ovaries.
I snapped my fingers. My colleague opened the jar and struggled to fish the uterus out. It flailed madly, smacking him several times in the face. He barely managed to toss it onto the table and hold it down. “It's slippery!” He looked very green in the face. The three scientists with us looked as if they might lose their lunches. “OH GOD!” Like an octopus shooting ink, it began spurting blood in self-defense. I didn't even have to say anything; he tossed the thing back in the jar, where it sank to the bottom and began cursing us all soundly.
“You fuckers, I'm going to get you fuckers. You just see if I help you now!” The uterus beat on the jar. “You ain't gonna hear nothin'! Nothin'!”
I sighed. We needed the information. It was of vital importance to national security and only the uterus knew the answers. “We will get the information. You could save yourself a lot of trouble if you simply get this over with.” I pulled up a chair. The uterus had wandered all through the body of its host, gradually driving her insane before it was removed. In that time, it had heard things. Perhaps even seen things. Better yet, its host had been a prophetess; she had been assassinated to keep something secret. I began to speak to it. It was too bad that I'd taken the forceful way first. It was now obstinate in its refusal. This was counter to what I had been taught. According to all my studies, the immediate violence should have cowed the uterus.
I finally sighed. We were running out of time. I stood up and excused myself. The uterus continued to scream at me. I whispered to my colleague past the door. The uterus pressed against the glass, suspicious now. I smiled at it and it shrank back, setting its ovaries in position to punch at me if I tried anything. There was little else it could do in self-defense, being a uterus. He returned and held up a syringe of thick, white fluid. I smiled at the uterus, “Tell us or you will be injected with this. I'm certain you don't want to be impregnated, do you?”
“You wouldn't!” The uterus pressed back against the back of the jar, making a squeaking sound. It trembled visibly. The syringe was held closer and the uterus threw its ovaries up in a sign of defeat. “Fine, I'll tell you everything!” I wrote furiously to keep up with the uterus's confessions. When finally, there was no more, I glanced at my partner, “That was a fast trip to the bathroom for that.”
He chuckled, “Liquid soap.”
“You tricked me! NO!” The screams of the uterus was music to my ears as we walked away.
Sadly, all I can find is this first draft. The later version, which detailed the confession a bit, has apparently been lost. I have to say, the uterus first crossing its fallopian tubes in defiance and then kung-fu punching with its ovaries is probably the most insane mental picture I have ever had in my life, and god bless you for it. | |
| | | | Khajidu
Sporkbender
Join date : 2010-04-20
Age : 42
Location : on a tall ship far away from the bullshit, on the port side of course
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:43 pm | |
| I wrote a crossover between RPF of U2 and Star Trek. The guitarist was part Vulcan. | |
| | | | rae
Contributor
Join date : 2009-06-10
Location : computer chair
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:04 pm | |
| It was a dream I had, though less with the uterus getting tortured and more with me getting my ass kicked by my own uterus.  I blame this avatar [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] | |
| | | | the asylum
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-14
Age : 39
Location : O Canada
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:31 am | |
| I once wrote a half-finished Gundam Wing/Zelda crossover.
Don't ask me how I thought it would work. I was 16. | |
| | | | Azzandra
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-10-10
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:25 pm | |
| Back when I was trying out the whole "keep pen and paper next to your bedside in case you get ideas in the middle of the night" thing, I once wrote a rambling, non-sensical story about two terminally ill lesbian astronauts. It was much less interesting than you'd guess by the description. Needless to say, I now keep my pen and paper in the desk drawer, as I should have from the start. | |
| | | | grmblfjx
Hot and Botherer
Join date : 2009-06-10
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:54 pm | |
| - Quote :
- Uterus sniffed derisively.
For some reason, this bit is what threw me.  | |
| | | | Harley Quinn hyenaholic
Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-06-12
Age : 39
Location : Taking that picture...
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Fri Oct 29, 2010 5:12 am | |
| The weirdest? Well, there's the shortest, the longest, the worst, the most filthy, the most angsty and the one with the most rape. But the weirdest?
Well, it rates somewhere on my 'most dirty' scale pretty high, except it's not long enough. See, I actually LIKE Alien Ressurection, and one night after watching it I had this dream...
Anyway, it's called "Hives" (Yes, I'm aware of the alternative meaning) and because of the filth it's on AdultFanFiction. It's a one-shot where Call gets raped by a Xenomorph.
Which explains the dream and me quite well... | |
| | | | neko mata
Join date : 2011-01-22
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Sat Feb 05, 2011 9:56 pm | |
| Well, it have to be a tales of symphonia and Naruto crossover I did three years ago. I only did one chapter for it, and gave up on it. | |
| | | | myeerah
Contributor
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 46
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Mon Feb 07, 2011 10:53 am | |
| I once attempted some xeno-porn for a friend; I think I ended up with a schmoopy romance with blood. I was too squeamish about the whole thing to go into any detail, instead lingering on the reasons the literal immortal wasn't too worried about the damage that a fully-grown dragon would inflict on a squishy human mage. There was a self-inflicted stab through the heart to prove the point. In retrospect, I think I must have been channelling Highlander for that moment. | |
| | | | KJM
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 45
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:49 am | |
| I'm having a hard time deciding between Cowboy Bebop At His Computer and Tenchi's TARDIS Adventure. | |
| | | | Drabbler
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 134
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:58 am | |
| Weirdest thing I've written? Ever? Or just this week? | |
| | | | KJM
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 45
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:40 am | |
| - Azzandra wrote:
- I once wrote a rambling, non-sensical story about two terminally ill lesbian astronauts.
You don't mind me borrowing this story idea, do you? | |
| | | | Quijotesca
Sporkbender
Join date : 2010-10-01
Age : 41
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:21 pm | |
| Writing some troll fics off and on. They're conversion fics in a really outlandish fandom. (Yeah, very few fandoms are good for that in the first place, but at least some have more human characters than this one.) The worst part is I have way too much fun with them because try as I might, I just can't keep the characters out of character for the whole thing. They're not good by any stretch, but they do have some genuinely funny moments and I kind of hate that. | |
| | | | Cyberwulf
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
Join date : 2009-06-03
Age : 42
Location : TRILOBITE!
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:26 pm | |
| Trapeze sex.
God fucking damn you. | |
| | | | Dimensia
Join date : 2011-02-13
Location : America
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Sun Feb 13, 2011 7:15 pm | |
| Well, I haven't written it down, but about a week or two ago, rule 35 attacked me in my sleep and now I have this fully-formed, graphic, and very bizarre story sitting in my head. I'm hoping it fades away before not letting it out starts hurting, because I am not going to bother typing it unless I'm going to upload it.
It's a Legacy of Kain fic, and somehow Janos, Vorador, Kain, and Raziel are all still alive in the post game time even though Kain is the only one who is supposed make it. Kain buys a cream that is absolutely guaranteed to fix his sterility problem. In the process of raping a dozen women, Janos bursts in and tries to stop him. However, the cream also had powerful aphrodisiacs in it, and Janos ends up pregnant too. The part that is really wedged in my mind good is Janos' expulsion of the ass-baby. There's also a part where Raziel tries to rescue Janos and gets pregnant in the resulting three-way. (And it was the "too ugly to live" version of Raziel.)
Fortunately, it's just that particular combination of elements that haven't been done, and I can say "nuts to you, rule 35." | |
| | | | Alhazred
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-07-21
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Mon Feb 14, 2011 2:33 am | |
| - Dimensia wrote:
- Well, I haven't written it down, but about a week or two ago, rule 35 attacked me in my sleep and now I have this fully-formed, graphic, and very bizarre story sitting in my head. I'm hoping it fades away before not letting it out starts hurting, because I am not going to bother typing it unless I'm going to upload it.
It's a Legacy of Kain fic, and somehow Janos, Vorador, Kain, and Raziel are all still alive in the post game time even though Kain is the only one who is supposed make it. Kain buys a cream that is absolutely guaranteed to fix his sterility problem. In the process of raping a dozen women, Janos bursts in and tries to stop him. However, the cream also had powerful aphrodisiacs in it, and Janos ends up pregnant too. The part that is really wedged in my mind good is Janos' expulsion of the ass-baby. There's also a part where Raziel tries to rescue Janos and gets pregnant in the resulting three-way. (And it was the "too ugly to live" version of Raziel.)
Fortunately, it's just that particular combination of elements that haven't been done, and I can say "nuts to you, rule 35." Congratulations, you have thought of something worse for this fandom than Raziel/a horse. | |
| | | | Dimensia
Join date : 2011-02-13
Location : America
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:53 am | |
| - Quote :
- Congratulations, you have thought of something worse for this fandom than Raziel/a horse.
Does that actually exist? Please don't believe there was any intention behind coming up with that. Damn plotbunny bit me and won't pry off. | |
| | | | Alhazred
Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-07-21
| | Subject: Re: Weirdest story you've ever written? Mon Feb 14, 2011 3:22 pm | |
| Yes, yes it does. Against my better judgment I spent a few minutes looking for it but, sadly(?) couldn't find it. It was long-winded, somewhat purple, and all about pre-wraith Raziel finding a horse in distress on his way to a meeting of the clans, getting covered in mud (and the horse's urine) trying to drag it out of the riverbank it was half-drowning in, and then screwing it silly.
Which is still not half as bad as this girl, who insists Kain/Raziel is totally canon because Michael Bell and Simon Templeman made a gay joke in the recording booth. Seriously. She's like a Twilight fan born before Twilight, so she latched on to the first vampire fiction she saw instead. | |
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