Who Ya Gonna Call? Gary Stu!!!

It's been a while since I looked at the Ghostbusters section on FFN, but I figured with the recently released Ghostbusters: The Video Game, which included mention of "You will play the Fifth Ghostbuster, a Rookie added to the team", there had to be some utter shit inspired by it. "You will play the Fifth Ghostbuster" is a quintessential "Moment to Inspire Badfic"

Somebody didn't even wait until it was out...

And it starts so promisingly...

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GHOSTBUSTERS: HELLBENT O.C Submission Rules:

With Ghostbusters: The Video Game coming out next year, I have decided to do an O.C Story

with myself in it.

The promise being "Crap to follow"

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I also thought it would be good to do it with a female character (Since the Wii
version has one.) The basic rules are to leave a submission of the following profile here of your
female character.

Desperate attempt to get automatic good reviews, or pathetically inept way of trying to get laid? You decide.

"Chapter One" was all his begging for submissions for Mary Sue. Chapter 2 actually begins the story, albeit with a few disclaimers to raise our expectations further.

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There are a few changes I’ve made:

Because it needs to be more Speshul

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1. Dr. Ilyssia Selwen is someone else in the story, but Dana’s in it (I’ll try to find a way to fit her in.)

"I'm doing something based on the game, but I'm making the main new character introduced in it someone else." What's the matter? You get traumatized by Who's the Boss? reruns and break out in hives when you hear Alyssa Milano's voice?

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2. There are 2 rookies in the game, one based on myself, and another based on a character whom I owe great thanks to Winter-Race for.

I should mention, by the way, that all reviews of the story are glowing ones from someone with the user name Winter-Rae. What an incredible coincidence! That's very close to the "Winter-Race" he mentions in the notes!

If I were her, I'd have pulled out pronto. It's not a good sign when your "collaborator" can't be assed to spell your user name right.

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3. I don’t own Ghostbusters, so please don’t sue!

That’s all. Enjoy!

I would highly doubt it....

So...if the story was first posted before the game is even out, how does he deal with....you know, not knowing the exact plot and character details?

Brendan has come up with a superb idea!

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TWO YEARS LATER...

New York City

Patty Allice, walked out of the collage for her summer break. Patty was a nineteen year old
collage student with long curly brown hair and light green eyes.

Underwater basket weaving was too hard for her, so she had to fall back to her backup plan, a degree in collagé.

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She had always dreamed about becoming a model and it looked like she would soon.

That creepy old guy from the modeling agency promised her! He said that she was something special the whole time he was buttsechsing her in the back of his white van with all the shaded windows.

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She then felt something pass her. She looked behind her and saw nothing. Patty began to run until she came to the New York Museum of Natural History. Recently, The Museum was being housed to an exclusive ‘World of Gozer’ exhibit. But right now, she couldn’t care less.

Just like the readers.

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Running into the museum, Patty took a quick turn into the ‘Off Limits’ Zone. Just then, a guard noticed her.

“HEY!” He called, “This is an off limits zone!”

He turned around just in time to scream as the figure of unspeakable horror approached him.

Yes. Mary Sues are, indeed, figures of unspeakable horror.

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Patty took another turn to find she had reached a dead-end. She turned around to face her stalker.

Patty screamed in horror as the figure approached her.

Why, this sounds eerily like a reprise of Alice the Librarian being menaced at the beginning of the first movie. Huh.

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Ghostbusters 3

By Brendan Rome

Ghostbusters HQ...

A young teenage man with crazy brown hair walked into the Ghostbusters Headquarters. He
had always wondered what this place was like and now he would find out. So many damn people are here. He thought, looking back at the crowd that had gathered outside for the contest of a
lifetime, The odds of me being picked aren’t exactly with me. But I think once I show my talent’s, I’ll be good. Please, God. I need this job. Every other one has either rejected or fired me. This has to work! This man was named Brendan French.

Oh, how cute! Gary Stu just happens to have the same first name as the writer of the story! And the last name of the Activision staffer who served as the model for the Rookie character in the video game! That is soooo clever!!!

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Brendan was finished with collage and needed a job.

Brendan majored in collagé too. Nothing like making sure Mary Sue and Gary Stu have compatible interests. Now if only one of them had majored in, oh, I dunno, engineering, physics, anthropology, or history. Things that might help with Ghostbusting?

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Yet all jobs would deny him because of his interest with creativity.

"Yes, that collagé you put together showing the Hamburglar raping the Dairy Queen was very creative. But it also got the last store manager arrested."

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This was his last hope. A few weeks ago, he had seen ads for the Original Ghostbusters team hiring new recruits.

He thought maybe he could be the gorilla [/obscure joke]

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He hoped that this would accept him. He walked up to the front desk. Sitting there, was an angry looking woman with two brown haired ponytails reading a gossip magazine with Anne Potts on the cover.

"Anne" Potts? An relation to Annie Potts?

And of course Janine looks angry. They made her shag Louis Tully in the movie sequel. Then she got dropped into this badfic, which is almost as gross.

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She didn’t even notice Brendan was there until he spoke.

“Excuse me,” He said.

The woman looked up from her book and gave Brendan a serious look.

“Yes?” She asked in a shrill voice.

“My name is Brendan French,” Brendan explained, “I’m here for the ‘Help Wanted’ AD.”

So he shouted the word "ad", or is it supposed to be an acronym? "I understand you were looking for an Athletic Director?"

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“Oh,” The woman said in a bored tone, “Yes, Dr. Venkman, Dr. Stanz, Mr. Zeedmore and Dr. Spengeler are out right now, but they’ll be back soon so you can wait here. Have a seat.”

Boy, when Spengler, Stantz, and Zeddemore get back they're gonna be pissed that Venkman's been hanging around with three other guys. Still, I suspect that Stanz, Zeedmore, and Spengeler are more qualified to hunt ghosts than a collagé major.

Yeah. You're a real Ghostbusters fan alright. You only misspelled the names of seventy five percent of the four main characters

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Brendan grabbed a seat and pulled it in front of the desk. “I’m Janine Melnitz, the secretary by the way,” She said shaking Brendan’s hand, “Pleased to meet you.”

You didn't misspell "Melnitz"? Call that a pleasant surprise

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“Thanks.” Brendan said.

“You have any jobs?” Janine asked taking a clipboard out.

“No.” Brendan replied, “In fact, this job is the last option I have left.”

"collagé is a very underrated talent."

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“Oh.” Janine said, “That was the same with me. Now, do you believe in UFO’s, ghost, demons, ESP, Telekinesis, the theory of Atlantis and the Lock Ness Monster?”

“Uh...” Brendan said uncomfortably, “Sure.”

At that moment, the doors to the Firehouse opened and the famed heroes of New York rushed in and closed the doors as the people of New York tried to burst in there. The ghostbusters reacted quicker, however and managed to lock the door.

“Hey, Guys,” Janine said standing behind Brendan and putting her hands on his shoulders, “This is Brendan French. He’s here for the ad.”

“Great,” Venkman said slapping Brendan on the back, “Welcome aboard, Kid. Let’s get you suited up right away.”

You know, I guess some might argue that I shouldn't criticize them for hiring him on the spot, since that's exactly what they did with Winston. But Winston at least looked tough, mature, and capable. And in the movie script, at least, his qualifications were far more impressive than "collagé"

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He followed the famed Ghostbusters into the adjacent room as he prepared for what would become the greatest story of his life.

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Outside...

“Excuse me,” Patty said making her way through the crowd. She had looked with almost every person in New York to help her with the problem she had faced earlier and all had laughed and mocked her.

"You're a Mary Sue! You don't have real problems!" After being told that eight million times, you think she'd get the hint.

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Now, she was headed for the last place she wouldn’t be caught DEAD on. Ghostbusters International. Or at least that’s what it would be soon. She entered the firehouse and saw Janine there.

“Hi,” She said uncomfortably, “Can I speak to one of the Ghostbusters?” She asked.

At that second Brendan had walked out from the room in a plain tan Ghostbusters outfit in time to hear Patty’s question. He jumped over the desk and landed next to Patty.

He's only been here ten minutes and they're letting him handle the clients? This sounds like Venkman's idea of an initiation prank.

Or...well, he's Gary Stu. He gets to do everything.

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“Hi.” He said in an excited mood, “I’m Dr. Brendan French, new Ghostbusters recruit in charge of testing out new equipment. How may I help you?”

They offer doctorates in collagé now?!

This is also starting to sound awful familiar...

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“Well,” Patty said giggling a bit, “I have a problem and no one else believes me.”

“I’ll believe you.” Brendan said giving her a smile.

Later...

“And then I woke up in my apartment,” Patty said telling her story to Brendan, Ray, Egon, Winstion and Peter who had her hooked up to some equipment to see if she was telling the truth,
“Then I heard a voice calling my name and I opened the fridge and there was a building inside there with flames and dogs yelling a name.”

Oh for grife's sake...first you ripped off Winston's hiring, now you're ripping off Venkman and Dana's meeting almost word for word.

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“What was that name they were yelling?” Egon asked cautiously.

“They said ‘Zull’.” Patty explained.

"I was worried for a second." Venkman exhaled. "I thought for sure she was gonna say 'Zuul'."

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“But how can that be?” Ray asked, “Everyone knows we already beat Gozer. Why is Zull there?”

"And who the hell is Zull anyway?" Venkman asked. "We had Zuul the Gatekeeper, Vinz Clortho the Keymaster, and Zull is...what? The Lord of the Back Door?"

"Correct." Egon nodded. "Whereas Zuul and Vinz Clortho perform a heterosexual sex act to open the gateway to Gozer's realm, Zull sodomized and impregnates a male cultist. The resultant spawn opens the gate when it's born."

"So what you're saying is....Zull makes assbabies for Gozer?!" Winston summarized, looking sick.

"According to Tobin's Spirit Guide, Zull's preferred targets are young, stupid males who like to create composite works of paper art." Egon continued.

"Ah. Now I understand why we hired..." Venkman's voice trailed off. Fortunately, Brendan was too blinded by hormones to hear it.

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“Well,” Patty said getting annoyed, “If I knew the answer, I wouldn’t be here.”

“I’ll go to the library with Peter and Winstion.” Ray announced, “Maybe we can find new info there.”

“I’ll check Tobin’s Spirit Guide.” Egon said leaving.

“Tell you what,” Brendan said, “I’ll go to her apartment and check her out.”

The others stared at him.

“I mean check out her apartment.” Brendan corrected.

"That's IT!" Venkman shouted angrily. "I've listened to you copy my cheap moves word for word for the entire scene, and I can't stand it anymore! You're fucking fired!!!"

Yeah, folks, this is Brendan's brilliant way of getting around the problem that he had no real idea of what the video game was going to be like: recycling scenes wholesale from the first movie, and changing it so Gary Stu gets all the best lines (usually Venkman's)

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Later...

“Okay, ghosts,” Brendan sang coming into the apartment room, “Come out and Play! Dr. French prescribes a nice long nap in the containment unit.”

He walked in the bedroom as Patty looked at him.

“That’s the bedroom,” She explained, “Nothing happened there.”

“What a crime.” Brendan mused.

Venkman: "Hey, Fucktard, you forgot the part where you play the piano keys!"

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“In here,” Patty said leading him into the kitchen. Brendan followed and came to the table where four eggs lay on there.

“Strange...” Brendan sais, this seems like exactly what happened when the guys faced Gozer in 1984.”

Venkman: "No shit!!!"

I'm trying to decide whether it's better or worse that he at least acknowledges how badly he's ripping off the movie, but just doesn't fucking care. I lean toward worse.

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“Aren’t you going to check the fridge?” Patty asked finally annoyed.

“Okay...” Brendan said opening the fridge door slightly. “Oh my god...”

No. Fuck this. It's pretty much the exact same scene from the first movie, with Patty, Brendan, and Zull standing in for Dana, Venkman, and Zuul, respectively. Let's skip ahead to...

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Later...

“Guys,” Brendan said coming back into the firehouse, “I’m back.”

He turned to see the Ghostbusters with Janine watching TV.

“Hey, kiddo,” Ray greeted, “How’d it go?”

“Nothing.” Brendan admitted grimly, “No Gozer, No Ghosts, not even a faint trace of PKE.

Just then, the door opened again. The trio turned to see their new arrival. It was a young, slightly
tan skinned in shape woman with long and straight blond hair which was kept into a ponytail. She had dark blue eyes and wore thick rimmed glasses. Brendan also noted that she was wearing
jeans and a loose Ghostbusters tank shirt.

“Winnie?!” Ray exclaimed happily to the woman who reminded Brendan of that chick from Tristan and Isolde (His Mother had dragged him to see that when he was Cool, “What are you doing here?!”

“I’m here for the job.” The woman explained in a serious tone.

“Well,” Ray said trying to explain what happened, “It’s taken...but we can actually have two positions.”

Dammit, I wish Venkman had said that. Venkman probably knows way more than two positions.

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“Great.” She said smiling.

And here we meet Winter-Rae's self insert. As you'll see, she's not quite as awesome as Brendan French, but then again, she's not writing the story!

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“Better get a suit ready for her,” Janine called emerging from the room, “Sledgewick hotel called. Said they have a problem.”

"The Sledgewick, huh?" Venkman chuckled. "That rundown dump that all the crack whores hang out at? At least it wasn't the Sedgewick again. That Grout asshole is always complaining about the mess we made when we caught Slimer."

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“I’ll get a suit ready for the both of you.” Ray said leaving.

One suit for the two of them? See, Ray's kinky after all. But then again, he was the one dreaming of getting blow jobs from ghosts, so I guess this shouldn't be a surprise.

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“This is Brendan French, by the way.” Venkman pointed out, “He’s going to be your leader. Brendan, Winnie.”

Leader?! The guy was hired only two pages ago, and now he'll be the Leader?! What qualifications does he have to be...

Oh, right, Stu-age. That's all that's required.

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“Hi.” Brendan introduced shaking her hand.

She stared at him with a ‘Sure. Whatever.’ look on her face.

Oooh! Tension! And here we were all convinced he was gonna shag Patty!

But he's Gary Stu--he gets to shag all the girls! I'm sure he'll fuck Patty, Winnie, Janine, Dana Barrett, the New York Giants Cheerleaders, and Ray's Aunt Lois before the story's done.

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Later...

Sledgewick Hotel...

Brendan and Winnie stepped into the hotel with the Ghostbusters. They were both now dressed in the tan flight suits like the others except their name tags had ‘ROOKIE’ on there because of ‘Job Reasons’ as Venkman explained.

Because giving them tags with bullseye designs would be too obvious.

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But here they were. Now both armed with unlicenced nuclear accelerators on their backs and ready. Peter and Winston decided to stay back to do some more research so it was just them, Ray, Egon and Venkman.

Wait...what? Peter is staying doing research, while Venkman is going with the other Ghostbusters and the Sues? So where in the hell is Peter Venkman supposed to be, anyway? And isn't research Ray and Egon's thing?

Oops...there I am yammering about those things like "continuity" and "character integrity" when Brendan's got showing off to do.

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Brendan and Winnie followed Ray and Egon who were discussing something with the manager.

Ray said something to him as he left and he turned to them.

“All right, kids.” He said explaining everything, “I don’t know how, but Slimer’s here in the hotel.”

"Indeed troublesome." Egon nodded. "I thought he preferred to hang out at the Sedgewick."

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“Who’s Slimer?” Brendan asked.

“A ghost we caught here on our first bust.” Ray explained, “But that’s not important.

No, of course not. Why make sure the new recruits have an idea of what kind of possible danger they might be facing? That'd be boring

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The fact is: he’s here and we gotta catch him again. We’ll go search the other floors up to 11. You and Winnie take 12.”

“Why 12?” Winnie asked.

“That’s where we caught him the first time.” Egon explained, “There’s a high chance he’s there.”

That dumb old Slimer. Mixing up the Sledgewick and the Sedgewick again. (eyeroll)

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“All right.” Brendan said heading toward the stairs with Winnie, “Good luck.”

Ray and Egon nodded before heading with Venkman to the elevator.

As Brendan and Winnie climbed the stairs, Brendan had a question.

“Hey, how do you know them?” Brendan asked.

“I went to the University they taught lessons at before they were fired.” Winnie explained, “I was
interested in the supernatural as a kid. In school I was taking history but on the side, I was taking classes about the paranormal. I attended their lessons as their ace student.”

"It wasn't because I was any good." Winnie explained. "I just sucked Venkman off every time he asked. I was his favorite student--until that Jennifer bitch showed up..."

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“Oh.” Brendan said satisfied.

Just then, their walkie talkies kicked in.

“Kid! Kid!” Ray’s voice squawked over the radio.

Brendan picked up.

“Ray. What is it? Over.” Brendan asked.

“We’re stuck in the elevator.” Ray explained, “We need you to catch Slimer. Over.”

“Check, Ray.” Brendan said, “We’ll do our best. Over.”

“We’ll keep you posted if anything happens. Over and out.” Ray said turning off.

“10-4.” Brendan said as they continued.

Uh...Brendan...didn't it say Ray turned his walkie talkie off (or close enough to it)? Why are you responding?!

I think Brendan just likes to hear himself talk.

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“You know it’s just occurred we really didn’t try this stuff out that much.” Brendan noted as they neared the top.

“I blame you.” Winnie said.

“No sense worrying about it now.” Brendan commented, “We’re both wearing unlicenced nuclear accelerators on our backs.”

They approached the 11th floor.

“Better get ready.” Brendan said stopping, “Switch me on.”

Winnie turned on his proton pack as she did the same to his.

Oops...another rip off failure. Brendan forgot to have Winnie back away like six inches would make a difference if a nuclear backpack exploded.

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Finally they reached the 12th floor and stepped into the hallway.

“All right,” Brendan said checking the surroundings with his PKE meter, “I’ll check the front way, you check the back way.”

Winnie nodded as they split up.

Venkman: "Good idea...they can do more damage that way. Jesus Motherfucking Christ!!!! And we thought Ghostbusters 2 photocopied the original movie's script!!!

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10 Minutes later...

Winnie looked around carefully and cautiously.

Damn, She thought, It’s harder than I thought.

Nothing has happened!!! She's looking at fucking walls!!! If this is too hard for you, QUIT NOW!!!

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Her thoughts were then interrupted by burping, munching and gulping noises.

She then turned to see a green blob eating food on a service cart. She quietly took out her walkie
talkie slowly.

“Come in. Brendan.” She called.

Meanwhile...

Brendan heard Winnie’s voice on his walkie talkie and picked up.

“Winnie!” He asked quietly, “What is it?”

Back at Winnie’s location...

“It’s right here, Brendan.” She said trying not to disturb Slimer who was staring at her curiously,

Probably having an intense feeling of deja vu, and wondering why she wasn't smoking a cigarette for her to have fall off her lip at a comedically appropriate moment.

Actually, what's more surprising is that, for the first time in this entire story, Brendan isn't getting the exact same scene Venkman had in the movie. That seems kind of odd...

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“It’s looking at me.”

“Don’t worry.” Brendan reassured to her, “Don’t move. It won’t hurt you.”

Winnie let out a scream as Slimer approached her.

Brendan’s Location...

“WINNIE!” Brendan screamed headed to where Winnie’s voice was coming from. He turned
a corner to see her struggling on the ground covered in slime.

“Winnie!” Brendan asked helping her up, “What happened?”

“He slimed me.” Winnie answered disgusted.

Well, of course!!! Brendan couldn't be Venkman in this scene because Slimer slimed him in the movie---so instead, for this story, he slimed Winnie. Gary Stues are too cool to be slimed!!!

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“Brendan. Brendan come in.” Ray’s voice called from the walkie talkie.

“Ray!” Brendan exclaimed into the walkie talkie, “I’m with Winnie. She just got slimed.”

"Dammit!!!" Venkman snarled. "I told the Spud to kill them, not slime them! Leave it to him to screw that up! No Frosty Cake for him!"

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“She’ll be all right.” Ray assured him, “You two gotta get down here right away, it went past us and it’s heading into a ballroom downstairs from the sound of the people outside.”

“Right.” Brendan said helping Winnie down.

“Oh and save a sample for me. Over.” Ray said.

Egon glowered at Ray. "It's bad enough they're stealing lines from the movie. Quit stealing mine!"

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10 Seconds and One explanation later...

“Okay, Sir.” Brendan said to the manager before he entered the ballroom. “If you and your staff could give us all the time we need, we’ll be with you shortly.”

Wait...what...what the...I can't go any further until I figure out what he just said!!!

Dammit...no...if I think about this too hard blood will start to shoot out of my ears...

"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in collagé..."

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He gave him a smile before locking the door. He stood closely next to Winnie before letting her
take the lead.

Nah, fuck this too. It's all exactly like the movie, with Winnie, Brendan, and the Sledgewick standing in for the three original Ghostbusters and the Sedgewick. They even do the flower gag.

We return to our copypasta after Slimer is safely sucked into the trap.

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“It’s in there.” Brendan said happily.

“Busting makes me feel good.” Winnie said

Taking those two lines out of context provided the only real laugh in this story.

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as the two went off to fetch Ray, Egon and Venkman before the Manager cut them off.

“The Alhambra Ballroom!” He cried, “The Bar Mitzvah! What have you done?! The guests are arriving in 15 MINUTES!”

“That seems to be your problem now.” Brendan laughed, “Thanks to me and my newly exclusively assigned recruit here, the festivities can now begin in an entirely Ghost-Free Environment. So: ‘Your Welcome’? Hmm? And to the guests: Lechaim from the Ghostbusters

"Yutz..." the Sledgewick manager snarled under his breath.

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Let's see...next up I anticipate a big montage where things get busier, Brendan making a date with Patty, and then Peck opens the Containment Unit, and then....hm. I admit I'm actually wondering now. Is he actually gonna let his beloved Patty do the nasty with Louis Tully?

Maybe Winnie will be Vinz Clortho and we can get some lesbian action.

I suspect whatever really happens will be even stupider.

(Special thanks to my buddies Ogre and Vrash, who proofread the snark and contributed a few of the gags)

I realize it's a stupid and obvious question, but I'm going to ask it anyway:

HOW IN THE EVERLOVING HELL DO YOU WRITE FANFIC FOR A GAME THAT HASN'T EVEN BEEN RELEASED YET!!!!

It'd be like writing Torchwood fanfic based solely on what you knew about Captain Jack from his appearances on Dr. Who. You'd have had no idea who the other members of the team were, their personalities, or how they interacted. So you'd get all the supporting characters wrong, fuck up the premise, and then the series would air and your 'fanfic' would be a laughing stock.

Also, NEVER let your 'friends' write you into their fanfics. I don't care what they promise you.

Can't . . . snark . . . must . . . rid . . . mind . . . of . . . badfic *bang bang bang!*

Nope, all the headdesking in the world won't erase this memory. Can someone make me a nice tall bleach cocktail, please? That might do the trick.

Here you go, Eileenk98. Just relax and let the bleach wash everything out...

I don't like sounding pedantic, but technically this is an SI and not a Gary Stu. The author does admit this is himself. Not that it makes the story any better.

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Patty Allice, walked out of the collage for her summer break.

Walking out of a piece of artwork? How surreal!

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Patty screamed in horror as the figure approached her.

"AAAHHHH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU GARY STU!!!!" Patty shouted.

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This man was named Brendan French. Brendan was finished with collage and needed a job.

In this economy? Good luck on finding one.

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“Hey, Guys,” Janine said standing behind Brendan and putting her hands on his shoulders, “This is Brendan French. He’s here for the ad.”
“Great,” Venkman said slapping Brendan on the back, “Welcome aboard, Kid. Let’s get you suited up right away.”

Only Gary Stu or an SI could get a job without being interviewed.

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“That’s the bedroom,” She explained, “Nothing happened there.”
“What a crime.” Brendan mused.

*Rimshot*
*Crickets chirping*

Man, this is a good find. Lots of snarking posabilites. For the sake of my sanity, I'm gonna stop here though.

I guess the Gary Stu/Self Insert thing is a valid point, but "Who Ya Gonna Call? Brendan Rome's Self Insert!!!" doesn't have quite the punch as a thread title, does it?

Recap: Dana Barrett Patty Allice is being stalked by Zuul Zull, The Lord of the Back Door For Gozer. Peter Venkman Brendan French, PhD Collagé, has fallen madly in love with her. Ray, Egon, and Venkman Brendan and fellow new Ghostbuster Winnie catch Slimer at the Hotel Sedgewick Sledgewick.

Now the fun continues...

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One Week Later....

Things were going extremely well for the Ghostbusters.

But something was happening. Recently, they had been meeting up with (and busting) a lot of old enemies that were escaping and placing them back in the containment unit. They had beaten the Library Ghost at the New York Public Library, Conquered Vigo in an attempt to return at the Museum of Modern art, and even The Stay Puft Marshmallow had returned to wreck havoc on the streets of New York and try to kidnap Patty Alice for some reason. But with the addition of Brendan and Winnie to the team, the paranormal investigators managed to come out on top.

"Meeting up with (and busting) a lot of old enemies". See? Montage? Did I call that or what?

I'll leave aside the WTF with Vigo, because that comes from the game itself. How in the hell did Vigo pop back into the painting when at the end of GB2 he was clearly destroyed, and replaced with a painting of the four Ghostbusters and Oscar?

But again, that one isn't Brendan's fault...

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Not that anything was easy of course. Recently, The Ghostbusters arch-nemesis, Walter Peck, had returned as well the Ghostbuster’s new “Paranormal Oversights Commission”. He knew that

after 1989, the Ghostbusters had risen to international fame after halting the resurrection of Vigo The Carpathain. The new mayor of New York had then risen to election on a pro-ghostbusters

platform so he must have wanted some security check on the damage they were doing.

Enter Walter Peck. Though again, not Brendan's fault.

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But right now, Brendan was watching Patty Alice modeling. He had gotten the info on the Zull

situation and was ready to give it to her straight. But as of the moment, he was waiting here for

Patty to finish. Enjoying the pictures of her on the TV screen in her make-up room.

:viley:

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Finally, she entered. She was wearing a skimpy-looking skirt that was completely velvet black and had make-up on her to make her face look like it was an angel almost.

:viley:

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“Hi, Bruce.” She said warmly with a smile.

"Gaah!!!" (sounds of pants quickly being zipped up)

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“Brendan.” Brendan corrected.

Patty made a face like she had stepped on a frog.

“Brendan.” She repeated, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Brendan said, “Bruce Campbell and I get confused all the time.”

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He then noticed a necklace on her.

“What’s this?” He asked interested.

The necklace was pure gold with a bright red gem in the center. It looked like it cost millions of

dollars to afford something like that.

"My pimp gave it to me." Patty replied.

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“Oh,” She said noticing, “This was my mother’s. My parents were archeologists and they brought

it back for me after a trip one night.”

“It’s beautiful as your eyes and body are.” Brendan noted.

"Get the fuck out of here, pervert!" >SLAP<

Quote :

“All right,” She said taking a seat next to him to switch gears, “What do you want?”

“I have some more info for you on the disturbance in your house.” Brendan said reaching into his

bag and taking out a book. The cover read: ‘Ian Shandoor: A look at his life’ and showed a picture of a bald man with a goatee on there.

“Ian Shandoor?” Patty asked confused.

Exactly what we're asking. It sounds ever so vaguely like Ivo Shandor, the guy who designed the building Dana and Louis lived in in the first movie.

Quote :

“The guy who built Dana Barret’s Apartment where Gozer originally first materialized.” Brendan

explained as he started flipping over some pages.

...And Ivo is gonna be pissed when he finds out this Shandoor guy is taking credit for his building.

Quote :

He stopped at one and showed it to her. It showed Shandoor outside of the New York Public Library which was under construction.

Right before he was arrested for flashing tourists.

Quote :

“As you know,” Brendan explained, “We’ve been receiving a lot of old friends lately. I did some

research with Egon and learned that Shandoor not only built Dana’s apartment, but virtually almost every location in New York. That’s why we’re getting the ghosts. Each location as a hold

on it to link it to hell.”

"He also owned the Brooklyn Bridge, and kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby."

Quote :

“Then what the hell is Gozer doing in my fridge?!” Patty demanded getting confused, “It’s not the World Trade Center or even New Jersey!”

“I’m working on it!” Brendan explained, “I’m thinking we can get together around 8:00, Monday at your place, exchange info....”

"And body fluids"

Quote :

He started to see Patty was losing interest in him.

Which is the first rational thing Patty has done this entire crapfic.

Quote :

“Look,” He reasoned with her, “I know good girls when I see them. And I want to do this because...” He stopped and looked her seriously in the eye, “I respect you. You’re a good girl.”

Stu Charm Powers Activate!!!

Quote :

She looked at him smiling.

“Monday.” She said.

Brendan shook her hand with full glee.

“Thank you, Ms. Alice.” Brendan said walking out the door, “I’ll see you Monday!”

He spun around happily. Brendan French was now in love.

"I knew that voodoo love potion Dr. Venkman told me about would work!!!"

Quote :

Later, Ghostbusters Firehouse...

“All right,” Egon said showing the team the map, “As I’m sure you all know, all my recent data

has been pointing to something big on the horizon.”

"If the next line is something about a Big Twinkie, I'll break something in half." Winston growled.

Quote :

“Not another Vigo alert again, I hope.” Winnie commented.

“Not exactly...” Egon said realizing something, “Wait a minute? Where’s French?”

Because the Ghostbusters can't possibly do anything without Brendan French, Doctor of Collagé!!!

Quote :

“He’s upstairs.” Janine called from her desk bored, “I don’t know what he’s doing.”

It's called Fapping, Janine

Quote :

“Yes.” Egon said adjusting his glasses, “Well. Basically, all my data shows that the ghost world has been recently trying to push through multiple cross-portals and push their dimension into ours. The highest concentrated area seems to be coming from one location.”

He pointed to a spot on the map.

“The Wellington Bay.” He finished.

“Oh boy.” Venkman said, “So we gotta go there?”

“Precisely.” Egon answered.

Well, okay. Some actual bits of pre-released info about the game actually peek into things here among the ripping off of the first movie.

Hey...wait a second...I realized we've gone one whole scene without...

Quote :

Just as those words left his mouth, Brendan came trailing down the stairs. He was wearing a black tux with a red tie and his hair was slicked back.

“Well,” He said heading out the door as fast as he could, “I’m late for an important date! Via Busting!”

With that, he slammed the door and ran as fast as his legs could carry him to Patty Alice’s Apartment.

Oh, silly us. We thought maybe we could convince you to stay here and do your fucking job, Dr. French.

And unless Patty lives real close, running the entire way should leave Brendan quite sweaty, gross, and non-Stuish.

Quote :

Patty Alice’s Apartment...

Patty Alice slipped on her best outfit. It was a checkerboard-style glam dress she had gotten when

she first started modeling.

Suddenly, she heard a noise.

“Hello?” She asked.

Join us, my host....

“Hello?” She asked worried, “If it’s you, French, this isn’t funny!”

Since French hasn't been funny yet, this would totally be in character.

Quote :

Without warning, her carpet came to life and warped around her completely. She tried to scream and move, but the carpet was too strong for her.

Just then, her door opened and revealed some kind of demon dog there. From the looks of it, it

looked EXTREMELY mad at her. She tried to scream again, but only let out a muffled noise as

the dog lunged at her.

Wow! Who saw this coming?

I mean, other than everyone who saw the first movie?

I'm telling myself that this is an incredibly subtle troll or crackfic. I know it's not, but it's more bearable this way.

I wonder if Egon can set Brendan's proton pack on explosive overload.

I mean, this is like a mish-mash of the movies, the TV series (the "nice long nap in the containment unit" line was from "Citizen Ghost"), and the video game all tossed into a blender and then pureed into an ectoplasmic residue.

And now back to Winnie and those other guys...

Quote :

“Is it me, or does Jersey really hate New Yorkers?” Winnie asked as they got on their ship.

"All the Sues live here." Venkman answered.

Quote :

Ray, Egon, Winnie, Peter and Winston had taken a rental boat known as ‘The Ocean View’ down the Jersey rivers and were finally making their way to their destination.

“I dunno about this, guys,” Ray said looking at his PKE meter, “This looks...looks...”

He stopped and stared in front of him. Peter, Winston and Egon were reminded ever so slightly of when Vigo had possessed him two years earlier.

Or maybe Ray's just seasick?

Quote :

“What, Ray?” Winston asked looking ahead of him as his jaw dropped.

Egon, Peter and Winnie looked ahead and did the same as well.

Rising up from the waters was a castle that looked almost like it was from the original ‘Dracula’

movie. Only thing was, it wasn’t black and white, but dark. Very dark.

"Unghshgh!!!" they all cried (because their jaws had fallen off).

Quote :

Patty Alice’s Apartment...

Brendan finally reached Patty Alice’s apartment.

He quickly stopped to spray some Axe Body Spray on himself. Because he knew from the commercials that it always turned women into wanton sluts.

Quote :

All righty, He thought looking at his watch, I hope she’s ready. Otherwise we’re going to miss that showing of ‘Army of Darkness’ I had planned for us.

He took a deep breath and knocked at the door. A few seconds later, Patty answered. She was dressed in an orange toga and her hair was flung out.

The Axe worked?

Quote :

“Are you the keymaster?” She asked dreamily.

“Not that I know of.” Brendan answered.

She slammed the door on him. Brendan knocked again and she answered again as if he was a new person.

“Are you the keymaster?” She asked.

We're gonna skip a bit, because what happens next is, word for word, the scene with Venkman talking to Dana/Zuul replaced with Brendan and Patty/Zull.

Quote :

Meanwhile, A new creepy structure somewhere in The Wellington Bay...

Tim Burton's building a new house there.

Quote :

“You know,” Venkman said as they parked the Ocean View right next to a stone road, “There’s nobody who likes diving head-first into action more than this guy.”

“Hmm...” Egon said taking out the PKE meter, “According to the scans, the PKE is off the scale.”

“Right.” Ray noted nodding, “Okay, I think it’s best we split up.”

“Great,” Venkman said, “We can do more damage that way.”

"Dammit, Peter, we used that gag already!!!" Ray shouted

Quote :

Later...

“Egh!” Winnie exclaimed shaking the slime that she had examined off, “What the heck is this

place?”

“My best guess,” Egon explained looking at the PKE, “Would be hell. It seems there’s one last

structure in the city...but the PKE isn’t reading it.”

Just then, Winnie’s cell phone started to vibrate. She reached in, pulled it out and turned it on.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Winnie?” Brendan’s voice asked.

Wait...your phone service gets a signal to and from Hell?! Mine fades out when I drive under a bridge!

Quote :

Winnie put the phone on speaker and motioned Egon as the two listened.

“What is it?” Winnie asked.

“I’m with Patty Alice.” He answered, “It appears the Zull has been putting the moves on my would-be girlfriend. I just knocked her up with enough Aspirin and Tylenol to keep a horse down

for hours.”

“Okay,” Egon said planning things out, “Where are you?”

“I’m at her place, Egon.” Brendan explained.

"And man, is my butt sore. I thought chicks like that only existed in Toshihiro Ono comics..."

Quote :

“Okay,” Egon said, “Listen very carefully: Take her back to the firehouse and wait there. We’ll

be back as soon as possible.”

"Also, take some of the morning after pills in the medicine cabinet." Egon added. "You may have been infested with a Gozarian Assbaby."

Quote :

“Okay,” Brendan’s voice replied, “I will. Thanks, Egon.”

With that, he hung up. Egon took out his walkie talkie and turned it on turning in the opposite direction he was standing in before.

“Ray, Peter, Winston, do you copy? Over.” He spoke.

While his back was turned, he didn’t notice unlike Winnie was that some of the materials behind

him were forming together. Winnie tried to warn him, but she was so freaked out, she couldn’t

speak and only came out with gibberish.

"i'mavirgininmyvaginalavendarwillyoubemyboyfriendthisistheskinofakiller!!!"

Quote :

“Please, Winnie.” Egon said not turning, “I’ve seen your Shemp before.”

Now the materials behind him had formed a gigantic walking monster. Winnie tried once again

to speak and once more gibberish came out.

"puckereddracoinleatherpantsmpregzutaragontermanmyimmortal!!!"

Quote :

“I’ve seen your Curly too.” Egon said annoyed .

Oh, man, Janine is gonna be pissed.

Quote :

turning around before gasping

They both screamed as the moved just in time to dodge the behemoth’s fists.

Meanwhile, ECTO-1...

Brendan stared at his girlfriend sleeping like a baby in the back seat. It was nice of the guys to loan him the ECTO-1 for a change.

Well, yeah, they were only going out and doing their job. It was much more important that you have it to help you get laid.

Quote :

Janine was sitting next to him as they drove. Brendan had called her to pick them up since Egon

wasn’t answering his cell.

Clearly he needs the same service as Winnie. Her provider has towers in Hell!

Quote :

“Hey, Brendan.” Janine said, “You know about the last days of earth stuff that we discussed back

when we first beat Gozer, right?”

“Yeah.” Brendan said.

“And you know about what Vigo said before he died, right?” She asked.

“Yes.” Brendan answered looking at her confused.

“Well,” Janine said looking at him cautiously, “What if Vigo wasn’t referring to himself?”

I'm having a shooting headache now. Underneath all the blatant copying from the Ray and Winston scene from the first movie (Note: Go to any of the Ghostbusters boards and ask about the music cue from that bit! They'll love you for it! Follow it up with a question about what kind of car ECTO-1 is!!!) is almost a germ of an insight.

It will pass quickly.

Quote :

The ECTO-1 made the turn and drove into the firehouse where it parked. Janine exited as Brendan cradled Patty in his arms.

“Janine,” Brendan laughed walking up the stairs as she followed, “Are you insisting that one of

your Boss’s old enemies was actually giving a 2-for-1 end of the world preview to a ghost he probably never even met?”

“It could be possible...” Janine said as they reached the sleeping quarters as Brendan laid Patty in

his bed.

“Bad news, Hon.” Brendan said to her, “I’ve gotta work downstairs. You’ll be all right here, right? Yeah, I thought you would.”

With that he kissed her on the forehead as he went downstairs with Janine to await for the others arrival. But Janine couldn’t help but wondering:

Why is it that I seem to be recalling my love for Egon?, She thought, Do I still care about him?

I really hate to say this, as I strongly support the Egon/Janine relationship (I think the only ones with any opinion at all who don't are Harold Ramis and the Egon Fanbrats who want him out of the way for him to sex their Mary Sues--or Venkman), this really came off rather hamhanded and out of nowhere.

Worse, it...>gasp< Took attention from Brendan for half a second!!!

Quote :

A creepy new structure in the Wellington Bay....

“We can’t hold them much more!!!” Winnie called as she pulled the head off of one of the re-animators.

She had to say that a lot when Venkman was "tutoring" her back in college.

Quote :

They had made it to the boat, but Ray was having problems re-activating the systems again. He was almost done when they realized something.

“Where’s Venman?!” Winnie shouted.

"He's off with Stanz, Spengeler, and Zeedmore!!!"

Quote :

“We have to go!” Winston noted.

Just then they heard someone screaming as the engine started up. The team looked to see Venkman running toward the boat at full speed with a literal army of Ghosts behind him.

Taking a huge jump while trying urgently not to wet himself, Venkman took a leap of fate and landed on the boat just before it was out of range.

“You all right, Peter?” Ray asked.

“Fine,” Venkman retorted in between breaths, “Just buy me some Dramamine and I’ll be perfect.”

“What took you?!” Winston asked helping him up.

“Found....this...” Venkman said handing Egon some papers.

Egon took them, and almost fainted.

Yeah. That's good old stoic, repressed Egon. Fainting when Venkman gives him paperwork.

Wait...where the hell did Venkman get paperwork? He come across a file cabinet at the spooky castle to ransack while the zombies were chasing him? "I was hoping to find some porn, but instead..."

Quote :

The blueprints belonged to Ian Shandoor, (It had his signature on them,) and featured something Egon never expected to see in his life.

A picture of Ian Shandoor's vagina.

Quote :

“Egon?” Ray asked confused as he snapped out of it.

“We need to get back to the Firehouse now!” Egon said plotting a course for New York, “If what Peter found is true, it may seem that we were wrong about this the whole time!!!”

Ghostbusters HQ...

At that moment, in the firehouse, the doors burst open and Peck entered followed by police and

some men in suits.

“YOU!!” Janine roared as Brendan came downstairs from his check up on Patty, “What do you want now, Peck?!”

“Cease all this, Miss Melnitz,” Peck said calmly, “I’ve finally found what I needed to shut you people down for good.”

“Oh, no!” Brendan said, “I’ve seen this before, you can’t come here without a warrant or something!”

The next thing Brendan knew, he was picking himself off the floor as an angry Brooklyn voice rang in his ears. "You do NOT start stealing MY fucking lines!!!"

Quote :

Peck smiled and pulled out a folder opening it and scanning it’s contents.

“Funny you should mention that, Mr. French,” Peck smiled, “Because this is a warrant for you. According to this, every job application you filled out, sans this, failed you because of your creative, silly, and imaginative beliefs. Meaning that Ghostbusters foolishly allowed an unqualified man to walk the streets with a proton pack, thus giving me the opportunity to shut down this operation.”

Oh...

Oh crap.

Oh shit.

I'm suddenly on Walter Peck's side.

Go Peck!!!

Quote :

“Those guys were assholes!” Brendan roared as he was restrained along with Janine by the policemen.

"They didn't appreciate my doctorate in collagé!!!"

Quote :

Peck then led them down to the containment unit as Brendan and Janine still struggled.

“You’re still foolish enough to do this, Peck?!” Brendan demanded even though he had not been

here the first time the containment was blown, “Have you forgotten what happened the last time you did this?!”

“I perfectly do!” Peck answered looking him straight in the eye, “And I remember what I did wrong. I foolishly chose to let somebody do this unsupervised. Which is why this time: I’m doing it myself.”

With that, he pulled a switch on the containment and everything went dark.

“You see that?” Peck laughed triumphantly as Brendan began counting the seconds down out loud silently, “Nothing happened.”

"out loud silently"?!?!

Quote :

Then, just as Brendan counted 0, red lights began flashing everywhere as smoke erupted from the containment.

“RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!” Brendan demanded.

Yeah. He's demanding this. Two people who've been there before, one of which knows it's about to happen again...and Brendan is the one demanding things.

Quote :

And everyone did so. But upstairs, Patty finally awoke and began descending the stairs, oblivious to everyone running for their lives, just as everyone was oblivious to the fact that she was up.

But it didn’t matter.

Just as she exited the building and began walking away from the scene, the roof was torn off as a

ray of bright light shot up from there.

Janine could still remember Louis Tully the day this all happened.

No matter how hard she tried to blot all memory of Louis Tully out of her mind.

Quote :

Just then, the Ecto-1 pulled up and Ray, Peter, Winston, Egon and Winnie emerged and ran to Brendan and Janine.

Wait...what? Didn't they loan Brendan the ECTO-1? I...oh dammit....this is starting to give me a headache...

Quote :

“Brendan!” Winston called, “What happened?!”

“Peck happened!” Brendan yelled over the explosion, “He shut down the containment unit. Again!”

“Hey, where’s Patty?!” Ray asked.

Brendan looked behind him.

“Shit!” He cursed running to get back inside before he was cut off by Peck.

“HOLD IT!” He roared, “THIS IS JUST WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME!!!

Yeah. Funny that. You do the same thing and get the same result. What did you expect? Candy and teddy bears to fall from the sky?

Quote :

THEY MUST’VE

RECONSTRUCTED THE SYSTEM BEFORE I GOT HERE!! ARREST THEM!!!”

Great! Brendan thought, Just terrific!

Aw, man. They cut the part where Egon Brendan insults Peck's mother and tries to strangle him.

Quote :

“Please, Winnie.” Egon said not turning, “I’ve seen your Shemp before.”

Quote :

“I’ve seen your Curly too.” Egon said annoyed .

Now the author is ripping off The Simpsons (both these lines were from an early Treehouse of Horror special - I think it was the one with vampire Monty Burns...)?

Wasn't mangling one fandom enough for them?

Spotts1701 wrote:

Now the author is ripping off The Simpsons (both these lines were from an early Treehouse of Horror special - I think it was the one with vampire Monty Burns...)?

You know, I had the feeling that this was too close to actually being funny for Brendan to have come up with it himself. But not being sure I didn't say anything. It's a relief I was right.

Quote :

Wasn't mangling one fandom enough for them?

Oh, just wait...

Quote :

New York Museum of Natural History...

Patty Alice now stood outside the entrance for the Museum of Natural History. Unlike the last time of the containment blow-up of 1981, the City was peaceful...at least for now.

Slowly, she began to walk toward the exhibit unaware of what she was going to do.

Which is pretty much in-character, posessed or not.

Quote :

New York City Police Department...

“Guys!” Brendan called to the guards, “This isn’t fair! You’re supposed to say that I have the right to remain silent so come over here!”

“Brendan!” Winnie called, “You HAVE the right to remain silent.”

You just don't have the sense to exercise that right!

And considering it's YOUR fault they're in jail, they'd have probably kicked you in the balls by now if you weren't a Gary Stu.

Oh, and I won't belabor the point that for some reason Winnie is in the same cell as the boys and, presumably, a number of muggers, carjackers, thieves, rapists, and hedge fund managers. I'm sure they'd all be perfect gentlemen to her.

Quote :

She turned back to the others who were studying a blueprint on the table.

“What is this, anyways?” She asked as She and Brendan walked over to see what it was.

“Something very bad.” Egon answered.

"It's a script for a fan fiction in which most of the events of the first movie are reenacted word for word, with a Gary Stu getting most of Venkman's lines..."

Quote :

Brendan then noticed it was for a necklace. More importantly....

“Hey!” Brendan said, “That’s Patty’s necklace!”

“Then my worst fear has been confirmed,” Egon said, “This is the blueprint we got from our trip last night to hell. Ian Shandor designed this necklace for his wife originally, but once it was completed, she died.”

“Egon,” Brendan said sternly, “What the hell does this have to do with my girlfriend?”

“The necklace,” Egon said sarcastically, “Was then given a curse by Shandor to ‘improve’ his

plan when building Dana Barret’s apartment.

Shandor? What happened to "Shandoor"?

Quote :

The necklace could then be used to rip portals from

the Ghost World anywhere it’s user wished and grant it the power of ghosts. Meaning, your ‘Girlfriend’, Ms. Alice, absorbed the power of Zull meaning she is going to rip open hell and bring it into our dimension.”

So that's the way around having Patty make the Terror Dog With Two Backs with Louis Tully?

Quote :

“Thank you Egon.” Brendan said sarcastically, “That was really helpful because now, she’s god-knows-where, while we’re stuck in here!”

"Thanks a lot, um....me..."

Quote :

“Well,” Winnie said, “We gotta go!”

There's a tiny toilet right over there.

Quote :

“The question is: How?” Venkman asked.

I said, there's a tiny toilet right over there.

Quote :

“Ghostbusters!” One of the guards said unlocking the door, “The Mayor wants to see you.”

Venkman: "Right on cue..."

Quote :

The Museum of Natural History, Earlier...

The World of Gozer exhibit was finally open. It was a gala unlike any anyone had seen before.

Peck was speaking to some of the ladies of a new job, when Patty walked in.

"Of" a new job? Sounds like a pick-up line to me. "Despite what you've heard, Ladies, I do, indeed have..."

Quote :

“Ah,” Patty’s manager said, “Ladies and Gentleman, here she is, Patty Alice!”

Everyone, including Peck applauded as Patty ignored them and began speaking in some sort of Summarain language.

Applaud for what? She show up naked or something?

Quote :

Just then, the pillar behind them began glowing blue and a pulse of energy covered all of New York in blue as millions of Ghosts appeared.

"And for my next trick, I advance the plot to the Exciting Climax!!!"

Quote :

New York City Hall, Now...

“All right,” The mayor said looking at them, “The Ghostbusters. Unfortunately Mr. Peck is not here right now, but that doesn’t mean I want an explanation of what’s going on.”

Ray: "But if you don't want an explaination, why are we here?"

Venkman: "If you want us to star in a campaign ad, you'll have to do better than that."

Quote :

“Mr. Mayor.” Venkman said, “I regret to say that there isn’t much time to talk right now, so I have to cut to the chase. Once again, New York City is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions and we’re the only ones who can stop it.”

"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, total...wait. He didn't rip off that line, too?"

Quote :

“And why should I believe you?” The mayor asked.

"We were right about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? We were right about Vigo the Carpathian? All the times we also saved the city's ass in the cartoon?"

Quote :

“Because I did.” A new voice said.

Everyone turned to see who it was.

“Lenny!” Venkman exclaimed at the former mayor of New York, “What are you doing here?!”

"My agent lost a bet."

Quote :

“First off, it’s Senator, now, Mr. Venkman and second, to restate my belief, I trusted these men when I was in office and look what happened to me.” Lenny explained.

“What are you saying Senator?” The New Mayor asked.

“If they can stop this thing: kid, you will have saved the lives of million of registered voters.”

Venkman smiled.

Who's surprised that line made it in?

Yeah, Lenny may not be Mayor anymore, but he still gets to be the Deux Ex Machina to get the Ghostbusters out of legal trouble.

Fun Trivia Note: Lenny's last name is Clotch. People actually voted for someone named "Clotch"? Only in a movie...

Quote :

“All right,” The Mayor said, “What do you want from me?”

"A lot of money. And to keep Brendan in jail."

Quote :

Fun Trivia Note: Lenny's last name is Clotch. People actually voted for someone named "Clotch"? Only in a movie...

I think that's supposed to be a pun on Mayor Koch. Remember him?

The only way to save this fic is for the Ghostbusters to change careers and become Suebusters.

EileenK98 wrote:

I think that's supposed to be a pun on Mayor Koch. Remember him?

Well, yeah. But the corruption of his name to "Clotch" is funny, because it sounds like a venereal disease, or a stereotypical Japanese person trying to say "crotch"

Anyway, in a story full of WTF moments, this next chapter, the penultimate one, contains what is, without a doubt, the biggest W. T. F. moment in the entire suckfest story.

Quote :

Ghostbusters HQ...

“All right,” Venkman said, “Winnie, Brendan and Janine, you’ll wait here until we get back.”

“WHAT?!” Brendan asked, “Why?”

1. You're a fucking Stu

2. You guys are brand new and aren't up for this.

3. You're a FUCKING STU

Quote :

“Because if something bad happens to us,” He explained, “We’ll need you to run the place.”

Because Brendan has proven to be an excellent decision maker so far.

In the cartoons, at least, Janine was not unknown to strap on a proton pack and help out. But getting her to help would make too much sense, so we'll leave her behind too.

Quote :

“But what if something REALLY bad happens to you?”

"It already has, Fuckwit! It can't get much worse that this!"

Plus of course it sets up the inevitable "They told us to stay behind but I ignore their orders and save their asses and they respect me now because I'm a Gary Stu and that's what we do!" plot twist.

Quote :

“Don’t worry!” Venkman said hopping into the Ecto-1, “We won’t let it happen.”

With that, he took off leaving Brendan, Winnie and Janine in the firehouse.

Later, New York Museum of Natural History...

Ray, Peter, Winston and Egon finally entered to find Patty Alice holding everyone in the air while repeating some Summarain language to the glowing blue pillar in front of her.

“Hold it right there, Ms. Alice!” Ray demanded as she turned to face them.

“YOU!” She declared in a voice not her own, “YOU ARE THE INTERLOPERS WHO STOPPED MY MASTERS PLAN THE LAST TIME!”

“Yeah, Yeah,” Ray said as he and the others started up their proton packs, “Look, Zull, why don’t you just get outta that girl’s body so we can all go home and go to sleep.”

“FOOLS!” She roared again, “DO YOU THINK I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS?!”

“Uh,” Venkman said as they got their wands set, “Yeah.”

With that, they fired away, but Patty reacted quicker forming some sort of force field between her and the streams blocking it.

“I’ve learned so much since last we met,” She smiled, “Allow me to demonstrate...”

Uh oh. More Gozarian Assbabies are about to be conceived...

Quote :

Back at the Firehouse....

“That’s it,” Brendan said getting up, “We’re going.”

“What?!” Winnie asked, “They said to stay back!”

“I don’t care!” Brendan said strapping his pack on, “If she’s down there and this may be our final moment, I want to see her....even if she is currently possessed by some sicko. Are you with me?”

**Ahem**

Trioculus wrote:

Plus of course it sets up the inevitable "They told us to stay behind but I ignore their orders and save their asses and they respect me now because I'm a Gary Stu and that's what we do!" plot twist.

Nailed it!!!

Quote :

There was something in his voice that Winnie could not say no to.

The voice of a trained doctor of collagé.

Quote :

“All right.” She said.

“Wait.” Janine said, “I’m coming with you!”

“Janine,” Brendan said, “I think it would be for the best if....”

“No.” Janine said, “Nuh-uh. No way am I doing this. Just like Patty’s your responsibility, Egon’s mine.”

Brendan looked at her and sighed.

“All right,” He said, “Let’s get you suited up.”

I really want Janine to cold cock this son of a bitch. The real Janine (the one from the first movie and the early episodes of the cartoon) wouldn't take this patronizing crap from some n00b. This is more befitting the drugged out skank in GB2 or the airhead cheerleader in later seasons of the cartoon.

Quote :

One quick change later...

Janine finally emerged from the bathroom. She was now fully dressed in one of Egon’s tan flight suits, proton pack strapped to her back, ghost trap strapped to her belt, and ready for action.

“You look great Janine.” Brendan smiled.

“Come on,” Janine said leading them outside, “We’ll take my car.”

What? No extra ECTO-1's floating around this time?

Quote :

With that, the two rookie Ghostbusters got into Janine’s car and took off unaware that they had left the firehouse open and that someone was coming in there.

WTF? There isn't enough going on already?!

Quote :

New York Museum of Natural History...

“IT’S NOT WORKING!!!” Ray shouted.

“LET’S MAKE SLIME!” Venkman retorted.

The Team Nodded and quickly switched their packs to slime mode, firing away with a trail of slime. Patty tried blocking herself again, but this time, the ooze penetrated her force field, sliming her completely as she struggled in pain.

“IT’S WORKING!” Ray shouted.

That was when Patty broke free creating a pulse that knocked them back.

The Ghostbusters tried standing, but couldn’t.

“It didn’t work.” Winston groaned.

“Now,” Patty said turning her attention back to the pillar, “Let’s continue, shall we?”

"But my ass is only one way!" Ray whined.

"That's all right..." Zull smiled. "I got some new ideas from the internet. I will implant my spawn in your urethras!"

Quote :

Outside the Museum...

Janine’s Car pulled up right in front right next to the Ecto-1. Everyone who was waiting for the heroes to reemerge suddenly turned their attention to the car that had pulled up...and cheered once Brendan, Winnie and Janine emerged.

“Hello, New York!” Brendan called, “We’re still ready to believe you!”

The crowd cheered as Brendan and Winnie stood for a few photos before Janine pulled them away.

“Gotta run,” Brendan called, “We got a date with a ghost!”

..sigh...We'd gone a whole page or so without any movie quotes.

Quote :

The crowd’s cheering continued until Janine, Brendan and Winnie were fully in the museum.

“All right,” Janine said as they switched their packs on, “Where do you think they are.”

“Best guess would be the Gozer exhibit.” Brendan said as they took their wands out, “Better hurry, by now, Zull could as well be starting the ritual by now.

They quickly made their way upstairs, eventually passing by a tree and stopping for a second to catch their breaths.

“All right,” Janine said, “Where are we Brendan?”

I mean it. Janine's been with the Ghostbusters since Brendan French was still making his collagés in grade school or something. This is getting on my nerves almost as bad as the script plagiarism.

Quote :

“Well...” Brendan said taking out a map so the others could look at it, unaware that the tree behind them was coming to life and slowly creeping toward them, “We parked on the front, took a left to the stairs, went up....which puts us.....here.”

As soon as he finished, the threesome found themselfs suddenly being held upside down. They were turned around to see that the tree had come to life and was looking VERY pissed at them.

"It's sticking vines in my pants!" Winnie shouted.

"Aw, man, I've already been raped once today all ready!" Brendan whined said in a manly, heroic manner.

Quote :

The living tree’s roots then ripped out from the ground they were planted in and started to make their way toward the exit.

But then it stopped.

I don't think I've been giving Brendan enough credit, accusing him of "writing" a story by just ripping off scenes from the first movie. Here we see he's broadening his horizons, and proving himself quite capable of rippin stuff off from Night At The Museum

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Brendan, Winnie and Janine couldn’t see what was happening, but at that moment, something blasted through the back of the model as it fell releasing the remaining Ghostbusters. They turned to see another person, dressed in a tan flight, suit and proton pack, who Janine thought she wouldn’t have the time to see again.

If they mean fucking Louis Tully...

Quote :

“Dana!” She cried happily as the two embraced each other.

...

...

Jesus fucking Christ. Brendan said at the beginning he'd "work Dana in somewhere" but this is retarded. Ham handed, out of nowhere. An appearance just for the sake of making an appearance.

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“Is that...” Winnie asked Brendan who nodded.

Even though he had not met her, he had known plenty about Venkman’s wife and would-be avatar for Zull back in 84, Dana Barrett.

"Um, no, I was the avatar of Zuul, the Gatekeeper of Gozer."

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Janine pulled away and looked at her.

“What are you doing here?!” She asked.

"Making an unnecessary appearance."

Quote :

“Oscar was having some nightmares so I thought I’d stop by the HQ. Of course by then, you were gone and I knew pretty much that the first place you’d go to is the Museum since that’s where Peter told me you were going.”

“Uh,” Brendan said pointing behind them, “As much as I’d hate to break up your Opera moment, Gal-Pals, we’ve got company!”

"Oh God..." Dana rolled her eyes. "He's even more of a pushy, full-of-himself asshole than Peter said he was."

"And when it comes to pushy, full-of-themselves assholes, Doctor Venkman is the expert." Janine nodded.

I promised you a massive WTF. Here it comes...

Quote :

The threesome turned just in time to be bathed in an expanding wall of light.

Location, Unknown...

The Four current Ghostbusters looked to see they were on a golf field. However, the sky was neither blue, nor dark, but white for as far as the eye could see.

“What the hell is this?!” Dana asked.

Read the fucking text! They just said it was a golf field! Which I presume is something a lot like a golf course!

Does it make me a bad person to wish that Bob Barker will appear and beat the shit out of Brendan?

Quote :

Brendan took out his PKE reader and looked at it shocked.

“What is it?” Winnie asked.

“Another dimension.” Brendan answered, “But unlike the other ones we’ve recently visited, the PKE isn’t reading any high-powered threats in any of the area!”

Winnie sighed. "I am so glad I pay for the premium plan on my cell phone."

Quote :

“Meaning?” Janine asked.

“I think we just walked into heaven.” Brendan answered simply.

No, Brendan, if you're here this is probably the other place.

Quote :

“Winnie!” A voice called.

The four turned and saw a young man in short grey pants and Hawaiian shirt run up to them.

“Uncle Scott!” Winnie cried trying to hug him, only to pass right through him and fall on the ground.

“Uncle?!” Brendan asked confused, “Will someone please tell me what the heck’s going on?!”

If your father or mother had a brother, he's your Uncle, Brendan.

Quote :

Just then, a golf ball hit him on the head. He turned to see a man in his late 20s wearing sunglasses and golfing clothes walk up to them.

“Hello, Brendan, Winnie, Janine and Dana.” He said.

“Hold it, pops!” Brendan said, “How’d you know our names?”

It would have been funnier if he said "Hello, Rookie, Rookie, Spengler, and Venkman."

"Hold it!" Brendan said. "Why call us that?"

"Those are the nametags sewn into your jumpsuits, Retard."

Quote :

“Simple.” He said, “I’m God.”

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

Quote :

“Really?” Brendan laughed as Winnie took out her PKE and saw the scans on ‘God’ went off the chart, “If you’re really god, then how many fingers am I holding up?”

Prove you're God. Fucking smite Brendan and get it over with.

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“Brendan,” God said sternly as Brendan placed his hands behind his back, “You know that you will not tempt the lord.”

Smite him smite him smite him...

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“C’mon.” Brendan said still not convinced.

Smite him smite him smite him...

Quote :

“2.” God sighed.

He was correct.

“Okkkaaay....” Brendan said, “But why have you summoned us here, your worshipfulness?”

You didn't know God already? I thought for sure you'd say Brendan French was Jesus's half brother on his father's side.

Quote :

“Simple.” God said, “To show you what will happen next.”

"Wait, so if You know what's going to happen next, what about free will? And if there's no free will, then why throw people into eternal torment for making decisions they had no say in making? And if there's no eternal torment, why don't You please clue in the most self-righteous assholes among Your followers so they'll shut the fuck up? And if there is free will, what about the fact that throwing people into torment over petty stuff makes you a bigger asshole than Satan?"

Quote :

Just then, the four Ghostbusters found themselves looking at an apocalyptic New York. Brendan

was ever so slightly reminded of those old ‘End of the World films’ he had seen as a kid. Just then, they saw somebody in the middle of the street. They floated down closer and saw it was Patty.

Her hair was long and her clothes decaying. But the weirdest part was that from the looks of it...

“She’s...pregnant?” Brendan asked surprised.

“You dog!” Winnie said looking at him shocked.

“What can I say?” Brendan retorted, “I give up for the girls who get up.”

So if you're not smiting Brendan right now, can we surmise that sex outside of wedlock isn't as unholy as aforementioned self-righteous assholes keep yammering?

Quote :

The female busters sighed as they soon noticed a shadow shooting straight up from the ground.

Patty stood still looking angrily at it as the shadow shot daggers right back at her.

From the middle space between them, an energy ball of fire formed growing larger and larger until finally, it exploded creating a blast the size of that which could be if New York was bombed by 2 nuclear missiles.

Or is this Hell on Earth because of the fornication?

Quote :

The Ghostbusters then found themselves back on the golf field staring at God again.

“As you can see,” God said, “That is what will happen if you fail.”

“Why can’t you do it yourself?” Brendan asked.

Yeah. Good question. I guess that thing about broken watches is right.

Quote :

“I don’t have time, so I’ll be brief,” God said, “Years and Years ago, before mankind was born, Gozer and I had a battle of unspeakable power. My forces won, but she tried to do it again. Now, if you fail, what you saw will happen. That cannot happen otherwise, it will create another big bang, thus rewriting everything.”

Memo to self: God is not omnipotent, if an obscure Sumerian god and a couple of Terror Dogs are so hard for him to poof out of existence he has to trust a Gary Stu to do it.

Well, that and the fact that God just waving his hand and fixing everything would make the story even more boring than it already is. Why the fuck involve God at all if He ain't gonna do shit for the story?

This whole scene also feels like it was trucked in from some other story, which would be par for the course here >>rimshot<< About the only good thing about it is that it would no doubt make a Christian Fundie pee themselves with rage. I mean, sheesh, that Melnitz woman is a Jew, and she got to meet God!

Quote :

“Okay,” Brendan said, “We fail, World goes bye bye. Got it.”

You're already full of fail, Brendan.

The world is fucked.

Quote :

“Good.” God said patting him on the shoulder, “Well, good luck you four. I gotta finish my game.”

With that, the world became light once more and the Ghostbusters found themselves in the Museum again.

As soon as he noticed, Brendan took off as fast as his feet could carry him.

“Brendan, wait!” Winnie shouted, but she was unheard by all of Brendan’s rushing thoughts.

“I’M COMING, PATTY!” He called.

Well, that's how you got in this mess in the first place >>rimshot<<

Wait...he meets God?

You know, most self-inserts tend to be satisfied with saving the day and upstaging the canon characters.

I don't think I've heard of any that have had divine conversations on some eternal vision of Pebble Beach.

Where's the Phantom Linker when we need him?

And now time for the conclusion...

Quote :

Finally Brendan entered the Gozer exhibit and saw Patty reciting some sort of gibberish to the stone pillar in front of her, while the Ghostbusters lay on the floor frozen.

“GUYS!” Brendan called.

Ray: "It's Brendan! He's here to save us!"

Winston: "We're fucking doomed!"

Quote :

Patty spun around and looked at him angrily.

“YOU!” She spat throwing a bolt of purple lightning at him which he dodged at the last second.

“Uh,” Brendan said nervously, “No hard feelings about lying to you before, right?”

As soon as he said this, Janine, Dana and Winnie entered just in time to hear that last comment and catch Brendan dodging another bolt of lightning.

“You lied to her?!” Dana asked shocked as she, Janine and Winnie powered their packs.

He made up the doctorate in collagé?

Quote :

“Wow.” Winnie commented as she and the other girls readied their neutrona wands, “That’s not a good way to start a relationship.”

“Neither is trying to take your head off!” Brendan retorted firing a stream at Patty which she blocked.

...

I hate admitting this, but I found that exchange to almost be funny. Brendan had to have stolen it from somewhere.

C'Mon, Brendan, give us some epic fail to restore my faith in the order of the universe.

Quote :

“Try the slime!” Egon exclaimed.

He didn’t have to tell them twice. Quickly switching to slime mode, the unanalyzed Ghostbusters let loose a trail of slime hitting her and freeing the frozen Ghostbusters.

“All right!” Venkman commented, “Let’s remind this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.”

Recycled movie lines. Now it feels like a Brendan Rome story again.

Quote :

The others nodded and let loose another stream of slime on Patty who now struggled helplessly.

The combined forces of the Ghostbusters seemed to be working as they noticed her eyes were starting to change back to normal.

Only to then glow with electronic energy again and blast all of them to the floor.

Fake out!!!

Quote :

“FOOLS!” She roared, “This Time I will NOT let you stand in my way!”

Brendan thought quickly. Something had to be done now, otherwise, Zull would open the doorway and then he’d defiantly loose Patty forever. There had to be some weakness. But what?! Then it hit him.

“PATTY!” he cried out, “I KNOW YOU’RE SOMEWHERE IN THAT NECKLACE AND EVEN IF YOU AREN’T, WHEREVER YOU ARE! I LOVE YOU!!!”

Leaving aside the fact that this is one of the oldest, hoariest cliches around ("Hero breaks the villain's spell on his beloved through the power of Twu Wuv") J. Micheal Stracynski already did it far better in an episode of the cartoon.

Quote :

Patty turned to him ignoring the statue as her eyes started to return to normal.

“You...” She said, her voice slowly starting to sound like her old self, “Love....Me?”

With that, the Ghostbusters were free as she dropped like a rag doll.

“I got her!!” Brendan said rushing over there and extending his arms.

Brendan slid across the floor and caught her right before she hit the ground.

He looked at her body.

"Thank goodness..." Brendan thought. "All the body parts I really care about are still there."

Quote :

It was still for a few seconds. Then slowly, she started to open her eyes.

“Br...Brendan?” She said weakly.

“I’m here for you, kid.” Brendan smiled.

Quote :

“Uh,” Egon said breaking up the moment, “Guys....”

They turned to see a portal suddenly rip open and a figure step out of there.

It was a large human skellington with parts of slime on it’s body with glowing purple eyes in it’s eye sockets.

Skellington? Now he's throwing in stuff from The Nightmare Before Christmas?

Quote :

It was Gozer.

Wait...what happened to Jack Skellington? He was just there!

Quote :

“HOW DO YOU DO IT?!?!” Gozer roared, “I have lived for one billion years! I have feasted on the bones of Gods! Yet you return to thwart my plans and others over and over again! WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!”

With that, Gozer slammed her foot on the ground as the others dodged it.

“EGON!!!” Brendan yelled, “WHAT DO WE DO NOW!?!?!”

Okay, Brendan, it's the bottom of the ninth. You've got a great idea, right? A way to make this long exercise in epic suck come through at the end? A neat twist that will elevate it from the mere self-insert fantasy wank it is?

Quote :

“Only one thing to do!!!” Egon yelled as they dodged another foot stomp, “Cross the streams!”

Or, you know, you just give up and, once more, do the exact same fucking thing they did in the movie.

Quote :

“EGON!!!” Brendan screamed, “WE CROSS THE STREAMS AND WE DIE!!!”

“THERE MAY BE A SLIGHT CHANCE THAT I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT!!!” Egon said, “EITHER WAY, WE TRY IT, OR GET STOMPED BY A PREHISTORIC GOD!!!”

Brendan quickly got far enough away from Gozer to get Patty from the exit.

“You get out of here.” He said to her.

She nodded as he started to go back.

“Brendan...” She said as he stopped.

She walked up close to him so that way, she was eye-to-eye with him.

“In case this doesn’t work out, I want you to have this.”

With that, she took him off guard and kissed him. It was so sudden and fast that as they kissed, Brendan felt as if time was stopping long enough for him to have this moment. He took a few seconds to embrace it before pulling away.

“Thanks.” He said as they went separate ways, “Now I’m ready to show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.”

Jesus Fucking Christ...you ripped off that line twice in the same chapter of the same fucking story.

Quote :

He quickly ran to the others and started up his pack as they formed a line.

“See you on the other side, Winnie.” Brendan said as he fired at Gozer.

“Nice working with you, Dr. Rome.” Winnie said.

Um...I thought we'd established he'd lied about that doctorate?

Quote :

He smiled back at her as she started up her own pack. Gozer began to place her foot down, but hissed and backed away in pain as Brendan and Winnie combined their streams together

Bah, fuck, it, you saw the movie, you know what happens next. Big explosion blah blah blah.

Quote :

One quick rush later...

Patty saw only smoke. She couldn’t make anything else out until she saw the outlines of eight figures. Even before they were visible, she cried happily and imminently embraced Brendan.

“Oh, Brendan!!” She laughed.

“We came, we saw, we blew it’s f**ing ass up!” Brendan said triumphantly.

Brendan and Patty embraced each other while Egon looked uncomfortably at Janine.

“Janine....” Egon stammered, “Normally under the circumstances.... I’d say it would be wrong to use the pack without our permission, but...”

“Just say if you love me or not.” Janine snapped.

“Uh,” Egon said blushing, “Yes....Yes I do.”

“That’s all I need to hear today.” Janine said before kissing him.

Quit trying to ruin one of my favorite pairings, Brendan. You fail at this.

Quote :

“Hey, guys!” Dana called.

The other Ghostbusters came up to where the pillar had been and saw it had been replaced by something else.

“Wow!!” Brendan commented, “I hope this is okay for your first gig gift, Pat.”

“I like it.” Patty said staring at the pillar which was now as statue of an angel Brendan kissing her in a toga.

Well, okay, another bit of horizon broadening. Brendan instead rips off Ghostbusters 2. Gotta throw us off once in a while.

Quote :

Epilogue:

And so, a few weeks later, Ghostbusters International was finally formed, franchises were swarming in from all over the world and the Ghostbusters were once again back to save the world if ever needed. This time, as New York’s official Paranormal Professional Eliminators. But the highlight of what had happened the few weeks after the second defeat of Gozer was the wedding of Brendan French and Patty Alice.

Oh, how cute. And of course because they're Gary Stu and his beloved, they get married right away. I mean, sure, Venkman and Dana had setbacks and broke up for a while, and I won't even get started with Egon and Janine, but Brendan can't have any of that bad stuff happen to him!

Quote :

Well, Thanks for reading folks! Just one last chapter to do which is my second “Behind the Scenes” commentary on the chapters plus a look at the casting list.

Oh Jesus...

What kind of fun can we have now?

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With the opening, I wanted to introduce a different kind of love interest because I didn’t really like the fact of putting a new love interest for Venkman in the game.

Well, okay, I agree with that part.

Quote :

The part where Brendan was thinking about the past weeks was actually the homage scene where they play the Ghostbusters song in the films.

See? I told you it was the montage.

Quote :

Now about Janine. We all know about her *ahem* relationship with Louis in the second film. But during a recent interview with Harold Ramis I found, he said that he looked back at the film

and was sort of disappointed with how that turned out (If you watched the Real Ghostbusters/Extreme Ghostbusters, you probably know how I feel.) So I thought I’d try to get them back together.

Your heart's in the right place on this one, Brendan, but you failed. It felt out of place and hamhanded, like just about everything you did that wasn't copypasted straight from the movie script.

Quote :

The ending was the highlight. The crossing of the streams was something I wanted to do from the start and this one went off with a bang (no pun intended.)

Plus, you know, it was how the first movie ended.

Quote :

Also, keep an eye out for my upcoming tales of Brendan and Winnie with the original team in

a RGB/EXGB storyline featuring new and old fan-favorite episodes.

Well, sounds like the sporking material will continue...

As soon as the mental scars from this one at least scab over.

Oh, it's over? Thanks, Tri, I really enjoyed this thread.

... God dammit. This was the first one i read... I was laughing so... fucking.... hard... i think i'm gonna be hooked on this site now.

brendon rome?
i know that kid.... i think [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

he's a nasty rude kid

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

FUCKING WHY

Trioculus wrote:

Underneath all the blatant copying from the Ray
and Winston scene from the first movie (Note: Go to any of the
Ghostbusters boards and ask about the music cue from that bit!)

Eh?