Things You've Learned from Badfic

Keith Fraser wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

Tubal ligation doesn't stop periods.

I totally read that as 'tubal litigation'. Anyway...

-Siblings who don't blatantly hate each other are secretly having/thinking about having sex with each other (cf. Supernatural, Heroes, Code Geass)
-A ten-year-old cartoon character having sex is TOTALLY DIFFERENT to a real ten-year-old child having sex (i.e. being molested)
-The proper response to finding one or more persons engaged in an unusual sexual activity is to join in enthusiastically, no matter how unusual or unfamiliar to you said activity is.
-"Non-con" is the new rape.

When girls or women enthusiastically jump into the above-mentioned unusual sexual activity, they never worry about not having shaved their armpits or legs or trimmed their bush, whether they're wearing their horrendous comfort-underpants with year-old stains (hey, some people might do so when their washing machine breaks down just after they've come back from their 3 week tour through the tropics--or just because they're gross. Or poor), or anything else especially teenagers are prone to worry about all bloody day long.

Men actually love the sight and shape of a woman's vagina. As in, they find it aesthetically pleasing. I can't count the times I've read phrases like 'Oh honey, you're just as beautiful down there as you are in general' or something alike.

Right, so my face looks like a moist slit with a beard, or an afro. Thanks so much, darling!

Keith Fraser wrote:

-Siblings who don't blatantly hate each other are secretly having/thinking about having sex with each other

When adopted kids are told at age eight or later that they're adopted, their instant reaction will be, "Oh, so we're NOT brother and sister at all! HOTT SEXXORZ!"

Cactus Wren wrote:

Keith Fraser wrote:

-Siblings who don't blatantly hate each other are secretly having/thinking about having sex with each other

When adopted kids are told at age eight or later that they're adopted, their instant reaction will be, "Oh, so we're NOT brother and sister at all! HOTT SEXXORZ!"

Or, if they're the same sex "Oh we're not brothers/sisters at all! HOTT SEXXORZ!"

Twins are always sexually attracted to each other. ALWAYS. It doesn't matter what their sexual orientation is in canon, they're more than happy to have sex with their twin (I've taken to calling this 'The Weasley Effect').

Morning sickness is the only reason a woman vomits. Ever. It's never because she's sick, hung over, grossed out, suffering from motion sickness, etc. Nope. If you throw up, you're pregnant.

Lady Anne wrote:

Morning sickness is the only reason a woman vomits. Ever. It's never because she's sick, hung over, grossed out, suffering from motion sickness, etc. Nope. If you throw up, you're pregnant.

Ditto a man.

In fact, if you've had sex in the past six months, any symptom at all means you're pregnant.

Keith Fraser wrote:

-Siblings who don't blatantly hate each other are secretly having/thinking about having sex with each other (cf. Supernatural, Heroes, Code Geass)

Siblings who hate each other probably want to have sex with each other as well.

Having a Transformer on your boob is one of the most magical and wonderful experiences ever and totally doesn't hurt.

Less specific, it's OK to post your insanely elaborate fantasies about fictional characters online and then cry about how people are insulting something so personal to you. This totally isn't your fault for posting it on the internet.

No matter how much a character has his shit together in canon, he will always turn into an insecure, emo, sobbing little bitch when his TWU LUB comes along to save him from himself.

If twins or other siblings are fucking, this is not a symptom of some godawful ISSUES. No, this is a powerful statement about the depth of their love, and everyone must accept it as natural and right.

Lady Anne wrote:

Morning sickness is the only reason a woman vomits. Ever. It's never because she's sick, hung over, grossed out, suffering from motion sickness, etc. Nope. If you throw up, you're pregnant.

And morning sickness is THE one true sign of pregnancy. What lack of energy, headaches and backaches, missed periods and changes in appetite or moods? Nope, it's always the puking.

Sara Jaye wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

Morning sickness is the only reason a woman vomits. Ever. It's never because she's sick, hung over, grossed out, suffering from motion sickness, etc. Nope. If you throw up, you're pregnant.

And morning sickness is THE one true sign of pregnancy. What lack of energy, headaches and backaches, missed periods and changes in appetite or moods? Nope, it's always the puking.

To be fair, this does sometimes happen (the women in my family used to joke that the first thing we did after the egg got fertilized was get out of bed and go puke), but it's much less common than, say, missing a period. And if your someone who doesn't have regular periods, it can take missing a couple before you suspect something's wrong.

Morning sickness is actually more likely to occur in the middle of the pregnancy. Back pain tends to occur later, once the baby gets big enough to start moving around. Unless you're expecting twins, in which case, all bets are off.

Also, women can always tell if they're carrying more than one baby. As someone who did, I can say in retrospect I should've known something was up when I woke up one morning during my third month and no longer fit into any of my clothes. But when they moved my ultrasound date up, I was honestly more worried something was terribly wrong with either the baby or me. It never in a million years occurred to me I might be carrying twins.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Sara Jaye wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

Morning sickness is the only reason a woman vomits. Ever. It's never because she's sick, hung over, grossed out, suffering from motion sickness, etc. Nope. If you throw up, you're pregnant.

And morning sickness is THE one true sign of pregnancy. What lack of energy, headaches and backaches, missed periods and changes in appetite or moods? Nope, it's always the puking.

To be fair, this does sometimes happen (the women in my family used to joke that the first thing we did after the egg got fertilized was get out of bed and go puke), but it's much less common than, say, missing a period. And if your someone who doesn't have regular periods, it can take missing a couple before you suspect something's wrong.

Morning sickness is actually more likely to occur in the middle of the pregnancy. Back pain tends to occur later, once the baby gets big enough to start moving around. Unless you're expecting twins, in which case, all bets are off.

Also, women can always tell if they're carrying more than one baby. As someone who did, I can say in retrospect I should've known something was up when I woke up one morning during my third month and no longer fit into any of my clothes. But when they moved my ultrasound date up, I was honestly more worried something was terribly wrong with either the baby or me. It never in a million years occurred to me I might be carrying twins.

Aaah. *nods* See, I've never had kids so I consulted this website and it lists back pain as an early symptom.

And I'd almost forgotten about the irregular period exception, whoops.

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-A ten-year-old cartoon character having sex is TOTALLY DIFFERENT to a real ten-year-old child having sex (i.e. being molested)

Yeah, South Park kind of suffers from that. When I found out about how teenage fangurlz fantasized about cartoon children doing each other, I went kind of ... ... ...

In all honesty, Trey and Matt aren't helping - It's A Jersey Thing is a brilliant episode, but the moment I saw it, I knew the fangurlz would be all over it.



Trey Parker kind of does it on purpose, I think.

AU doesn't mean an alternate take on canon such as "What if Tommy stayed evil?;" AU means "Let's fuck up the characters' ten ways from sunday with no indication that it is an AU in the summary."

Mouse wrote:

AU doesn't mean an alternate take on canon such as "What if Tommy stayed evil?;" AU means "Let's fuck up the characters' ten ways from sunday with no indication that it is an AU in the summary."

And tossing them all into High School, don't forget that

Or kindergarten. Even if they're all vastly different ages.

Anyone have a link to that one? All I remember was it was in the Star Trek: TOS fandom. And characters born, in some cases, decades apart were all magically five years old.

No matter how much people hate one another in the fandom, the author's will is enough, not to stop hating one another, but get over that somehow.

For instance: in Stargate Universe, Young (I keep forgetting what military rank he holds precisely, but he's like the head honcho) and Doctor Nicholas Rush hate one another. They really can't stand each other. Both grudgingly agree that they each have their use, but there is no love lost between them.

However, there are a few non-slash fics in which Rush is somehow hurt and Young, wracked by guilt, spends the entire 4 days-till-3-weeks SITTING NEXT TO RUSH'S BED, HOLDING HIS HAND, WIPING UP PUKE and RUBBING THE MAN'S GODDAMN BACK! I kid you not. Young is WAY too busy to babysit Rush, and if there's anyone he WOULDN'T do it for, it WOULD be Rush.

Grr.

Sharks are reptiles, or so I was informed by one of the students in my school's game-design class who is designing a game with reptilian characters, including, of course, sharks.

What I've learned from bad fanfic (sorry it's a bit long, but I'm new and it's the first place I found where I can share it, and also first 'venting' after years of reading fanfiction):

1. there's nothing wrong with naming your baby Adrianna Lucretia Emmanuela Saraea Potter-Black-Snape-Lupin-Malfoy-Riddle

2. all women have long hair, at least to the middle of their back, it's genetic (even if you are a man and somehow get turned into a woman, you will automatically have long hair)

3. old people do not exist (except for one or two, but they are evil and/or perverts)

4. there is a very important diffrence between 'maroon red' and 'dark red' as is between 'green' and 'emerald', if you do not know what it is, then you are evil, but there is no diffrence between 'affect' and 'effect'

5. your friends are stealing from you, but don't worry, you will soon overhear them talking about their evil plan

6. your friends must always agree with you, if they don't, they are evil

7. marital problems do not exist, if there is a problem, your husband is not your true love and you should leave him

8. you can have many lovers, your lovers can only sleep with you or it is cheating

9. english is a universal language, everyone understands it, and no matter if it's a remote village in China or France or Russia, they all have a Jamaican accent

10. if you want to show the world that you are mature and independent, you should get a tattoo and get your tongue pierced, also a minor does not need their guardian's permisson to get a tattoo

11. all tatoo artists are asian-looking girls

12. every rich person needs to have at least 10 diffrent houses around the world and each one has to be a diffrent 'kind', so only one manor, one cottage, one villa, one apartment, one bungalow and so on

13. every teenager is trained in withstanding torture, they never cave, never cry and never scream, because that is a sign of weakness and it gives their abusers satisfaction

14. a human can lose 5 gallons of blood and survive, biology is not important

15. when someone is beating and/or raping you, they do not get tired, ever, they can only get bored

16. based on previous notion, overweight, ugly people have an incredible stamina

17. sex counts only when there is penetration (penis in a vagina/ass), so that blowjob, rimming, fisting and so on do not count as sex

18. when having sex, you will always have an orgasm at the same time as your partner, always (or their contractions will cause you to cum few seconds after they did, never later)

19. when you cum, you will always scream your partner's name, if it's a three- or foursome, you will scream the names of every person there, in a correct order or it is cheating and they will get mad at you

20. threesomes and orgies are awesome, everyone always knows what to do and where to stand, there is absolutely no awkwardness involved, they are planned with military precision, but they are always spontaneous

21. a child can biologically have more than one father, without any genetic engineering involved

22. it's okay to have a man pregnant, but it's not okay to call him a 'mother'

23. you are fertile all the time (sometimes except 'your special time'), if you have sex, you will get pregnant

24. the only exception to the previous rule is if it was an arranged marriage and you 'need' to have a baby, then the law says that you need to have sex everyday, but you will get pregnant only a short time before the given time runs out

25. one day after you get pregnant (goes for both sexes), you will have the beginnings of a bump, so will start showing and you will be glowing, but you will find out that you are pregnant only after you vomit everyday for a few weeks

26. one-night stands lead to true love

27. high-school sweethearts = true love = eternal happiness

28. wanting to have sex with a 120-year-old corpse is mentally healthy

29. mental illness does not exist, same goes for all psychological issues

30. abused teenagers are the most psychologically healthy and emotionally stable people in the world

31. it's not abuse unless there are whips involved

32. arranged marriages always lead to true love

33. you can be 1/2 elf, 1/8 goblin, 1/16 vampire, 1/3 dragon, 1/5 werewolf, 1/7 dinosaur and not even know it, but it will affect your life (note that the numbers don't have to add up to 1, it can be anything up to 5)

34. if you don't know how to spell a word, guess, and if somebody tries to correct it, call them a troll

35. always ask for reviews and then get mad when you get them, because somebody doesn't like your story

36. remember to review your own story, it's yours after all, so you know best if it is good or not

37. answer all the questions in your reviews with: 'because I said so!'

38. it doesn't matter if a challenge or a plot was done thousands of times already, your take will always be original and your story better than all the ones before, if someone tells you that it is derivative or even similar to something else, call them an idiot and a troll

39. your first story should be a 50-chaptered fic

40. you don't need to plan your story, it's best to make stuff up as you go along,

41. it is perfectly acceptable to have your character change their name few times in a story, but you need to remind your readers who it really is, so after you change the name, for the next few chapters you should always use a convention: 'Kian(a.n. it is really Xander) left the room. Later that day Kian(a.n. remember that it how I am calling Xander now) came back.'

42. if you don't know a fandom, write a story in it, what better way to get to know it?

43. you can never find any reliable information on the internet, so when you are posting a story on a website, you have no way to check how to spell canon names: Ascher, Netheniel, Grimulds, Lascious

44. you don't have to spell a character's name in a consistent way throughout your story, your readers will know that Luscious, Lasius and Lucius is the same character

45. all scars are sexy and automatically become erogenous zones, especially humiliating words carved into your skin, so if you have a word 'whore' carved on your back by your abusive stepfather, you will get instantly aroused when your true love touches it, they can even make you cum just by looking at your scars

46. women have prostates (and as mentioned somewhere before - anuses have hymens) - this one always gets me

ok, vented enough for now, but learned a lot more things than mentioned above

oh, there is one more, very important thing:

47. vaginas and anuses have an infinite capacity, there is always room for one more penis in there

All goths like Evanescence, and shop at Hot Topic. They also cut themselves on a regular basis.

Sex heals everything. It is even the perfect cure for the trauma brought upon by rape.

Studying Japanese martial arts in a dojo can give you the equivalent of years of proficiency in the martial art, and will allow you to safely and confidently fight anyone. Western martial arts, however, do not exist.

No matter who you're talking to, or what their position or status, you can get away with being incredibly rude and obnoxious to them without fear of repercussions, since your attitude will be regarded as "spunk".

Should you be unfortunate enough to bamf into Middle Earth, you will ALWAYS end up in a random forest somewhere near Weathertop, where you will promptly be picked up by Aragorn and his party of hobbits. You can then guarantee that Boromir will be evil, and at least one member of the fellowship will fall in love with you.

If two people share similar traumatic experiences in their past lives, this is a sign that they are perfect for each other.

And finally, "of" actually doubles as a verb, and can replace "have" when used in the context of "should", "could" etc. Therefore, "I would of done it" is a perfectly legitimate sentence. (yes I know this isn't restricted to fanfiction but it's such a pet hate of mine!!)

Two people who have hated each other since their first day at school and are both heterosexual are actually gay and in twu wub with one another.

Severus Snape is not an arsehole who did all he could to keep the Carrows at bay to atone for the death of a loved one. He's either a supersexy hunk who has affairs with female students or a complete psychopath who makes Voldemort look tame and just happened to be working for Dumbledore.

--the hot male character’s canonical girlfriend is the source of all evil and must be destroyed as painfully as possible

--it doesn’t matter what the Sue/Stu or the horribly warped canons do, we’re supposed to root for them because they’re the main characters and therefore everything they do is automatically right and anyone who questions them is the source of all evil and must be destroyed as painfully as possible (if this overlaps with the hot male character’s canonical girlfriend, it’s a plus).

--if Mary Sue/Gary Stu isn’t involved, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if you defeated the Big Bad or got your planet blown up or watched the king get assassinated, if Mary Sue/Gary Stu was too busy screwing their hot canon character of choice/angsting/whatever to attend, it isn’t important.

--any reviewer who suggests that a) you are writing the canons horribly OOC, b) your plotline is somewhat unbelievable, c) you need a beta/need to learn how to use spellcheck, d) your original character is a Mary Sue, or e) any combination of the above is just jealous and hates you and has no life and should be ignored, no matter how reasonably they made their points.

--a headache is a perfectly good reason for an otherwise mild-mannered (well, -ish) old headmaster to call his students “motherfukers”

Good snark. If I may add my two bits:

neris wrote:

2. all women have long hair, at least to the middle of their back, it's genetic (even if you are a man and somehow get turned into a woman, you will automatically have long hair)

This. I once read a fic set in the Edwardian era where a woman was trying to pass for a man, so she pinned her hair up. Didn't cut it, didn't put a wig over it--just pinned it up.

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4. there is a very important diffrence between 'maroon red' and 'dark red' as is between 'green' and 'emerald', if you do not know what it is, then you are evil, but there is no diffrence between 'affect' and 'effect'

Or college and collage, angle and angel, aloha and hola...

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8. you can have many lovers, your lovers can only sleep with you or it is cheating

Or if you ever date anyone but your true love, even if it was way before you met them, it's cheating.

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9. english is a universal language, everyone understands it, and no matter if it's a remote village in China or France or Russia, they all have a Jamaican accent

And the dollar is the universal currency.

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14. a human can lose 5 gallons of blood and survive, biology is not important

And then, if they're male, they can ejaculate five gallons of semen.

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23. you are fertile all the time (sometimes except 'your special time'), if you have sex, you will get pregnant

Birth control doesn't exist in fanbrat land.

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32. arranged marriages always lead to true love

Alternately, arranged marriages are always hell.

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40. you don't need to plan your story, it's best to make stuff up as you go along,

Then whine that you ran out of ideas after two chapters.