A clopfic tries to be sexy but ends up disgustingly funny

While browsing randomly through the featured stuff on FiMfiction, I found Poking Pinkie Pie In The Pooper by KingofSquirrelz. Fortunately the title is grossly misleading, since there is no anal action with the titular pink pony to speak of. Unfortunately, the fic is written almost entirely in second person (meaning you, the hapless reader, are the observer and main protagonist) except for the occasional scene where it looks like the author has gotten a bit caught up in the excitement and switched to first-person without realizing. (Fifty bucks says half this fic was written with one hoof, er, hand.) Since I read this fic out of curiosity (and not out of a desire to clop, despite fervent claims to the contrary), I was subjected not to Pinkie's derriere, but instead to a torrid affair with Cup Cake, Cheerilee and Rarity's mum, a horrifying yet hilarious bathroom scene with Lyra Heartstrings that not even the most depraved of human porn could hope to match, a betrothal of sorts to fucking Diamond Tiara , plus shifty deals with Mayor Mare and Princess Luna, all in the first few chapters.

Oh, and did I mention this is a Human In Equestria fic? Yeah, you're a single male human with a serious ass fetish stranded in Equestria, in a relationship with Pinkie Pie who won't let you pooper her and you're cheating on her like it's going out of style. Human-on-pony action like only a dedicated clopper can make. Side note: it always seems to be man-on-mare, never stallion-on-woman. And why don't pony-centaurs ever result from all this human-equine action? Food for thought.

Quote :

You remember back in the day how it all happened, the freak magical explosion at the Como Zoo that sent you here. The thought of what happened to those poor monkeys still haunts your dreams. You were a hit though when you first were discovered on equestrian soil. Talk shows, photos with royalty, party invites to all of the best Canterlot parties.

A real human!

Lyra was thus vindicated and spent the next few weeks rubbing it in Twilight's face. Once she got bored with that, though, she wrote a few papers for the University of Canterlot and earned the recognition she craved as Equestria's top expert on humans. But oh, how she wanted to touch one...

Quote :

Alas, no matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Celestia, Prince Blueblood, Fancy Pants or even a human, eventually, nobody gave a shit.

Yeah, you didn't know enough party tricks. Stupid human, you can't even dance!

Quote :

You look down on the wood counter before you. You pick up one of the small crème tarts that you had been working on for the last fifteen minutes. It was finished but no matter how hard you looked at it, it felt like there was something missing.

There's a joke about human males and cream in there somewhere. Better ask Carrot Cake...

Quote :

“Hey Mr. Cake, does this tart look off to you?” you ask.

"I don't think she's showing enough skin."

Quote :

Mr. Cake, who was preparing to make a batch of cookies, turns and gives your work a brief examination. He stared at it for a while he mulled over, you think he seems to have the same suspicion you did that something was amiss.

I knew it. Time to drop trou and show 'em how it's done.

Quote :

“Did you remember the vanilla extract?”



“Yes,” you reply.



Before he can ask, you hand him the treat for a taste inspection. This was the common practice when you first started to learning how to bake from the baker. His eyes narrow as he looked at the very top of tart. He bit in and mulled over the sugary treat, he licked his lips as it finally descended into his gut.



“Taste fine to me; you’re really getting the hang of this.” He said as he turned his attention back to the cookies.

You shrug. If he said they were good, they were good.

Whew. Saved.

Quote :

“Thanks,” you say. You had been living there for almost an entire year. You hoped by now that your baking expertise would improve a little.

A YEAR? Son, if it was my bakery and you couldn't bake after a freaking month, I'd show you the door, regardless of whether or not you were rutting the assistant chef/babysitter.

Quote :

Then you remembered Spike taking Gummy earlier that day. You really did like Gummy; he was the only soul in the house that just seemed to always listen. Not that he had much choice in the matter.

Maybe he's just humouring you. Maybe he just stands there and does that weird blinking thing hoping you'll stop talking and go away. MAYBE YOU'RE JUST BEING A BORING ASSHOLE TO THAT POOR LITTLE ALLIGATOR, DID THAT EVER OCCUR TO YOU?

Quote :

“Order up.” You stated in a voice that drifted near the erotic side.

One order for Bad Porn Cliché #293 with a side of cartoon bestiality.

Quote :

Order up meant ‘sex now’. You loved being simple about it.

Sex now? As in, 'right here, right now'? I used to work in the hospitality industry as a teen and I can tell you right now that bare-assed bakery back room banging violates all kinds of health regulations.

Quote :

“Orange ducks drifting on a purple river or bright yellow ball being kick to the moon?” She replied back.

Pinkie Pie, you are so random.

Quote :

Pinkie Pie, however, made a two hundred and ninety four page book of codes. While you read through it once, you never have been able to decipher any code she had ever given you. Once in awhile though you played along like you knew what you were talking about. Last time, however, you regretted making that decision.

Although you don’t remember that night, you long since repressed that memory.

You've always wondered how you developed a fear of pineapples, though.

Quote :

You did know one thing though, something that Pinkie Pie has yet let you do, her ass. You always had a thing for butts, big, round, soft and squishy.

Quote :

There was nopony around in the entire baker save for Mr. Cake who was baking cookies. Mrs. Cake was upstairs tending to the twins. Although she had not been down all day. Normally you two would retire for the night right when the bakery closes. This left hours of reproductive fun in the top floor of the house.

"Let's make some ponytaurs!"

Quote :

She smirks at you, her left brow rising ever so slightly as she bumped your erection against her cutie mark. A faint shiver runs down your spine. You had been getting attention every day. Even a few hours now seem like an eternity for the little man.

Another porn cliché: a grown man with the recovery time of a randy teenager. Either that or the protagonist is Steve Holmes in disguise.

Quote :

Having sex in Equestria made things much easier than on Earth, the gravity it much lighter here. Although you have grown accustomed to it, there are a few perks that came along. The first of which was your strength.

Maybe with the help of the right unicorn you can try zero-g sex.

Quote :

Pinkie Pie was the only pony to have ever noticed. From her accounts from intimacy, it was like a molten crème that had the weight of lead bars. First you thought she was joking, until she stepped on a scale after one vigorous night.



She gained ninety five pounds.

Looks like Applejack isn't the only one made of dark matter.

Quote :

On a more personal level you gave a whole new meaning to ‘pissing like a racehorse’.

Yeah, but can your piss weld titanium like Chuck Norris's?

To be continued...

xerrofoot wrote:

it always seems to be man-on-mare, never stallion-on-woman.

Well, there are a lot more bronies than... girl-bronies, whatever the term for that is, right? Considering the fandom seems to consist mainly of grown men males who want to fuck brightly colored cartoon ponies, this one actually makes sense. Human women don't feature in their fantasies.

Quote :

Alas, no matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Celestia, Prince Blueblood, Fancy Pants or even a human, eventually, nobody gave a shit.

So, completely unlike the real world, then.

Quote :

His eyes narrow as he looked at the very top of tart.

The tenses in this thing, good lord...

xerrofoot wrote:

Quote :

She smirks at you, her left brow rising ever so slightly as she bumped your erection against her cutie mark. A faint shiver runs down your spine. You had been getting attention every day. Even a few hours now seem like an eternity for the little man.

Another porn cliché: a grown man with the recovery time of a randy teenager. Either that or the protagonist is Steve Holmes in disguise.

ITYM "John Holmes."

*double-checks*

Oh. There is a Steve Holmes. Not like I ever remember the names of male porn stars. I usually go by physical descriptions ("Guy who looks like Triple H", "Guy that looks like Booker T", "Guy that looks like the Blockbuster Buster" etc.)

grmblfjx wrote:

xerrofoot wrote:

it always seems to be man-on-mare, never stallion-on-woman.

Well, there are a lot more bronies than... girl-bronies, whatever the term for that is, right? Considering the fandom seems to consist mainly of grown men males who want to fuck brightly colored cartoon ponies, this one actually makes sense. Human women don't feature in their fantasies.

The term for a female brony is pegasister (pegasus + sister). You're absolutely right, though, the adult FiM fanbase is 90% bratwurst. There are still plenty of pegasisters who write fanfic, though, you'd think at least one of them would have a self-insert getting railed by Big Mac or Caramel.

Quote :

The tenses in this thing, good lord...

Like I said, written with one hoof. Hand. WRITTEN WITH ONE HAND.

Freezer wrote:

ITYM "John Holmes."

*double-checks*

Oh. There is a Steve Holmes. Not like I ever remember the names of male porn stars. I usually go by physical descriptions ("Guy who looks like Triple H", "Guy that looks like Booker T", "Guy that looks like the Blockbuster Buster" etc.)

There's a very good reason why I thought of Steve Holmes: to quote Rain DeGrey, the man is a mutant. He can jizz multiple times in a single take, seemingly on command, and has a very short recovery time. If Steve Holmes was a My Little Pony, his cutie mark would most likely be some pictorial representation of boning.

I don't get it. Is Clopper snarking his own fic, or what?

xerrofoot wrote:

There are still plenty of pegasisters who write fanfic, though, you'd think at least one of them would have a self-insert getting railed by Big Mac or Caramel.

(Obviously) I have no scientific data to back this up, but my impression is that the stories we've seen of women getting it on with animals (like that one where someone watched some celebrity getting fucked by a circus elephant, who was that again? Or Snakes on a Sharapova, or whatever it was called) were written by men. I don't think it's a common fantasy for women.

EileenK98 wrote:

I don't get it. Is Clopper snarking his own fic, or what?

Yeah, so, how about we only rag on him when he's actually being annoying? Instead of seeing his username and going CLOP JOKE HURR-? If he gets railed on no matter what he does, he has zero incentive to change his behavior.

Not to mention, always going for the cheap shot is, well, cheap.

I'm sorry, it was an honest question. [/nosarcasm]

Quote :

Having sex in Equestria made things much easier than on Earth, the gravity it much lighter here. Although you have grown accustomed to it, there are a few perks that came along. The first of which was your strength.

Until your muscles go weak that is. And then you're just useless.

grmblfjx wrote:

Yeah, so, how about we only rag on him when he's actually being annoying? Instead of seeing his username and going CLOP JOKE HURR-? If he gets railed on no matter what he does, he has zero incentive to change his behavior.

Not to mention, always going for the cheap shot is, well, cheap.

Thank you.


Previously on Why God, Why?:

We've established that the reader is a human banging ponies. Let's see how much mischief we're really supposed to get into...

Quote :

Friday Evening

It's a great night for football!

Quote :

“No Booboo the monkey, don’t eat the banana, it’s a trap.”

NAKED SNAKE IS WAITING FOR YOU BEHIND THE TREE

Quote :

After taking a few minutes to compose yourself you look over to your bed mate. Pinkie Pie seemed unaffected, this was normal. Saying she slept like a log was a gross understatement and insult to trees. Although you have developed a sure fire way to wake her up, now though it was not the time.

Ah. Now I know why this fic is called Poking Pinkie Pie In The Pooper. Attempting to pooper her is a sure-fire way to wake her up.

Quote :

She looks like a doll with her mane puffed up.

A violently pink, pony-shaped RealDoll that we're supposed to enjoy the exclusive use of.

Quote :

You hear a faint familiar sound off in the distance; a long sigh escapes your lips knowing full well the muffle cries.

Does the muffle cry all the time then? What is a muffle, anyway?

Quote :

It was two rooms down, the cries of want got louder as you got near.

WAAAAAAHHHH! We want out of this clopfic!

Quote :

You turn to leave but your exit had been blocked.

Hi, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat over there?

Quote :

She didn’t answer right away, two glasses of milk were clamped in her teeth.

Cup Cake has a big mouth. I bet she puts it to good use.

Quote :

It took you all of two seconds to realize she heard Pinkie. That mare doesn’t know the meaning of quite.

Quite adj. a quantitative descriptor indicating a moderately large amount of a given thing.
Quiet adj. what Pinkie Pie is definitely not.

Quote :

She leaned in and pushed your shoulder slightly, “That’s not what I was talking about. Although I can hear you two going at it sometimes. No, Pound and Pumpkin have been waking up all night again and again.”

They're having nightmares about cupcakes again.

Quote :

He would never tell anypony how he did it. Maybe he was the world’s greatest lover, or a master with words. How Carrot Cake found his way to Princess Celestia’s bed chambers you would never know.

Like an extremely skilled royal stalker, perhaps?

Quote :

That nice big flank of hers, the alicorn showed off to all. You knew you could never get a chance at it. Still you wanted to, who wouldn’t. You knew full well if Celestia asked to sleep with you, it wouldn’t take you three heart beats before you would pound her royal hole.



Carrot Cake did get that chance and took it.

Can you honestly imagine him
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
banging her?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Quote :

Although when the paternity test came back for the twin’s, Carrot now had real proof he was the father. By then though it was too late. Now Carrot sleeps in a motel several blocks down and commutes to work. Never allowed to see his children and paying half his wages in child support.

Personally, I'm amazed he still works there.

Quote :

Expect one thing; Carrot Cake never did talk about Cup Cake. He talked about Celestia; it would be his crowning achievement until the day he died. He never spoke about Cup Cake at all.

OK, I suppose if I got into a princess's knickers, I'd be proud of myself too. It wouldn't be my crowning achievement, though, jeez. There are plenty of greater aspirations in the world.

Quote :

“Oh, just how he can’t stop looking at it, longing to touch those sweet cheeks again. Looking to mow down your back yard. Scoot down the poop chute. Grab those cheeks and cram your dam.” You continued on with the butt puns for well over five minutes. You could have gone on forever with anal references.

PLEASE DON'T

Quote :

“So, what do you think of my butt?”

Quote :

“We used too but the twins never drank the milk. I learned a few techniques from my cousin Milky in Trottingham on how to milk myself. Although I forgotten how to be honest, Carrot used to be the one to milk me.”

>mfw I read that bit
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

You didn’t live on a farm but you have seen enough movies to know how to milk a cow. This couldn’t be that different.

This can only end in tears.

Quote :

A guy can fantasize; Pinkie does, although she is a little bit more open about it than you.



You still want to punch whoever this ‘Shining Armor’ guy is.

Twilight Sparkle might have a fair bit to say about all that.

Quote :

“How she was in the sack.” You recited from memory. “From the way she blew your balls to when she use an anti-gravity spell to have sex on the ceiling. Not to mention the blowjob wereyou felt like she sucked out your soul. This would be the third time today you told me.”

Quote :

He always said that when you had to go made hard candies. It wasn’t all that hard making them. They aren't your forte at making them but you still tried your best. Moreover the reason why he wished you good luck was because I had to work on the side of the kitchen that had his wife.

Here's the first instance of slipping from second person into first. I think the author/narrator/pony sex fiend is getting just a wee bit excited at this point, given how much he likes the idea of ass-ramming Cup Cake.

Quote :

The counter was completely covered in powdered sugar. She must had been up far before you did to get all this done. Yet she still had time to make you and Pinkie breakfast.

That's not powdered sugar.

Quote :

“Rainbow Cakes?”

With extra Rainbow Dash?

Quote :

Well, I don’t want to sound like a pervert or nothing but I notice that you been walking a little funny

She accidentally sat in some molten sugar. That stuff burns like napalm, just ask the Mythbusters.

Quote :

“I can milk you.”



She blinked, “What?”

GIVE ME YOUR SWEET SWEET MILK

Quote :

She smiles and spreads her legs wider for you to begin, giving you a even better view. You glide your hands over one of the swollen tits. They had not seen any attention in a while. From the base, you lightly squeeze with your pointer finger and thumb.



And was rewarded with a blast of milk in your eye.

Luna damn it, I'm such an amateur.

Quote :

“Call me a good filly.”



“What?” you question as you slow down.



“Don’t stop, call me a good filly.” She repeated, her breath barely registered as a whisper.

Oh boy, here we go with the fetishizing. I'm helping Cup Cake relieve mammary pressure and now the author makes her get turned on by it.

Quote :

You asked the all-knowing one, your cock.

WHAT

Quote :

You almost laugh, like you really were going to go gallivanting over and telling him how you just serviced his wife. Right, that was the top of your to-do list.

Well, considering how much he brags about getting busy with Princess Celestia, I'd call that a pretty good way to take him down a notch.

Quote :

“I bet forty bits that fat ass is up stairs eating again. She just was pushing all the work on us because she can’t fit through the damn doors!”



Your mouth nearly drops, he may never have talked about her ever, but he never deliberately insulted her either. Part of you wanted to defend her honor like a true hero, go off and bust him one in the jaw. You however were covered in her cum and heat, you needed priorities.

My jaw really did drop IRL, that was harsh, man.

Quote :

You set her down on the table, thanks to Pinkie your gallery of positions now far exceeded your partners. You didn’t know what to do; you wanted to start things off slow. Some things you learned would scare her off.

And some things would just fucking kill the poor mare.

Quote :

She eyes over the piece of alien material that was almost begging to be swallowed up.



“It’s smaller than I thought it would be,” she says.

OH SNAP

Quote :

“I’m a good little filly, I get a treat, right?”



Her voice was almost completely different; almost twenty decibels higher, she really did sound like a little filly.

Quote :

“What the fuck is going on here!” Carrot Cake yelled.



Both looked at the enraged stallion. Cup Cake tried to get up but she was literally being weighed down by your load.



You blink several times, “Well… I fucked your wife.”

Quote :

You always did believe honesty was the best policy.

Sure it is. Just ask Applejack.

xerrofoot wrote:

Twilight Sparkle might have a fair bit to say about all that.

I've heard the moon is quite nice at this time of year.

xerrofoot wrote:

Quote :

“Rainbow Cakes?”

With extra Rainbow Dash?

Now available in Tesco.

xerrofoot wrote:

Quote :

“What the fuck is going on here!” Carrot Cake yelled.

"'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!' It was......................................Carrot Cake!" doesn't exactly have the same ring to it.

If only the Train Wreck Explorers were still around...

GeorgeUK wrote:

xerrofoot wrote:

Quote :

“Rainbow Cakes?”

With extra Rainbow Dash?

Now available in Tesco.

*brohoof*

Well played, George. Well played.



We begin Chapter Two where we left off: facing off against Carrot Cake after just having railed his estranged wife.

Quote :

You wanted to say something else, something to rip into Carrot Cake’s pride.

Nothing came to mind.

Don't worry, that last burn was plenty.

Quote :

At your feet was Cup Cake, laying flat on her back. Her body was still quivering from sex; her fluids were still pouring out freely, then pooled onto the wooden floor. Her mane was disheveled, the pink, glossy strands jutting out in every direction.

I don't think your average horse shampoo is going to get all that gunk out of her mane and tail. You'll need something specially formulated for semi-liquid dark matter.

Quote :

“Well…” you say as you try your best to slip on your stained briefs, “it seems you and I now share a very special bond. That bond would be your wife. So, now we should be calm and rational since now we're like brothers or something—“

Quote :

Now, with a steady river of blood pouring down your chin and dripping onto your torso, you looked at Carrot with an expression that visibly frightened him to his core; a smile. An electrifying tingle spread across your body, your adrenaline rushing as you neared the terrified stallion.

Smile. Always smile. It makes them wonder what you're planning.

Quote :

“Two weeks,” you said with a sadistic smirk. You wanted to get him mad, to get a rise out of him. “Every day since your separation we’ve been doing it. On the counter, on your bed, hell, even in the kitchen.”

Reader Avatar has got balls of steel.

Quote :

Carrot looked down at Cup, “I could've had any mare of my choosing, and this is the way you treat my generosity? By trying to replace me with some… human?”

Wow. Somepony's got a fucking ego, all right.

Quote :

Carrot stepped back nervously. “Y-you want me to fight you… for her? I’m not going to fight you. You will leave this house right now, and I'll forget this all happened. She is my proper—“

I would expect Cyberwulf to rage at this, but since it's ponies, I don't think she will.

Quote :

“Did… did he run away!? What the hell! Where is the manly battle?” Now you stood there more disappointed than anything. You wanted a hero’s battle, a fight to end all fights. One, that at the end of the day you could drink too with friends and regale the tale too.

I feel you, bro.

Quote :

You grab Cup Cake under her forelegs; you took note of the weight difference immediately. You would guess she clocked in at around one hundred or so pounds. Well within your weight limit to cradle her with one arm. Although, her soft pudgy bottom just needed two firm hands to hold it.

It was for safety purposes. You always did believe in safety first.

LOL OKAY PLAYER

Quote :

“Stop.” You say taking in a breath. “Carrot Cake… had a herd of mares after him?” No matter how hard you tried you just couldn’t fit that image into your head. You couldn’t picture him sleeping with Celestia either, but damn, this was making no sense to you.

Yeah, I call bullshit.

Quote :

Cup sighed, “He didn’t, my dad changed his mind for him. Two years later I was able to marry and we did. I was the happiest mare in Equestria. A year later though, one night he got too drunk, he told me that he was forced into it and if he didn’t my dad would have gelded him.”

A... machete wedding?

Quote :

You shot back immediacy, “Sorry Pinkie, my penis accidentally fell into her vagina. Yeah, that might work.” You laced every word with sarcasm.

"It was an accident! She tripped, fell and landed on my dick! Honest!"

Quote :

“Stop downgrading yourself.” You look at her straight in the eye, “You’re very beautiful.”

Yeah, she needs at least 4GB DDR3 to look that good, a downgrade is not an option.

Quote :

You didn’t speak out of lust, even though her ass felt amazing resting on your groin. Thankfully you could control the lustful beast. He had shown his skill and got a gold metal.

White gold? Electrum?

Quote :

“I can’t be,” she murmured, “there is no way… it’s probably just gas.”

PONYTAURS

Quote :

Pissed off, enraged, spiteful and yellow.

Yellow in more ways than one.

Quote :

He had gotten a bad reputation; once it had gotten around that he cheated on his spouse. A holy and sacred event in Equestria, where one stallion completely dedicates themselves to one single mare. Now, no mare would so much as even look at him.

Cup Cake has internet-fu and she made a profile for him on Don't Date Him, Girl.

Quote :

Although now there was a hitch, a wrinkle, a spot of black ink on the pages of the book that Carrot so masterfully devised. Cup Cake was having sex, in his house, with a human.

A human with a smaller dick, no less.

Quote :

The door creaked open and slammed shut as Ponyville’s residential dragon pressed himself against the frame of the door. He was breathing hard and his body was covered in scratches and on his tail was Gummy, gumming away on his scales.

Petsitting time again.

Quote :

Carrot rolled his eyes, “Sure just hurry up about it. I need to talk to my lawyer.”

"I'm innocent, man! I didn't kill that changeling hooker! I can't do hard time!"

xerrofoot wrote:

While browsing randomly through the featured stuff on FiMfiction, I found Poking Pinkie Pie In The Pooper by KingofSquirrelz.

Quote :

KingofSquirrelz

You gullible idiot.

I'm ignoring you Penguin I'm ignoring you tralalalalala

You sure suck at it.

What exactly is it that's going on here

let me in on the hilarity

I feel left out

How can this even be sexy sallimaskin

grmblfjx wrote:

What exactly is it that's going on here

let me in on the hilarity

I feel left out

I'm not reading their posts so I have no idea, but they're probably doing what I blocked them for yet again.

grmblfjx wrote:

What exactly is it that's going on here

let me in on the hilarity

I feel left out

If I had to guess: "KingofSquirrelz" is a known trollfic author.

Why would Penguin know 'known' MLP trollfic authors?

...Penguin?

King of squirrels, squirrel king... Not ringing any troll fic bells?

I don't know any trollfic authors, but even if I did I don't recognize this as a trollfic. It's just a sick, kinky and somewhat funny clopfic.

Penguin wrote:

King of squirrels, squirrel king... Not ringing any troll fic bells?

Clearly I'm behind on my trollfic lore. I notice he has an ED page, though.

grmblfjx wrote:

Clearly I'm behind on my trollfic lore. I notice he has an ED page, though.

Link?

I'm not sure that's the same person. Very different fandoms, very different grasp of English. That's just at a superficial glance, though.

Although I'm under the impression that KingofSquirrelz isn't very popular, either.

Damn, this sounds entertaining. When's the next chapter?

javascript:emoticonp('') necropost