Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment

We all know about Foe Yay: the pairing up of two characters that are canonical enemies. We can see it in just about any fandom: Light/L for Death Note, Zutara for A:TLA, and even the inexplicably popular Draco/Harry from Harry Potter itself. However, Harrymort is much more difficult to explain than any of these. I mean, Light and L are both hot, so it's only natural for fanbrats to want to see them make out. Zuko and Katara get some bonding time and grow to kind of like one another in the third season. And Draco and Harry are... fun to ship because one is black-haired and the other white-haired? I don't know, I always figured that was the main reason.

Harrymort doesn't fit into any of these categories. Voldemort could not be described as hot by a blind man, has never shown any fondness for Harry, and doesn't have any hair at all. So why do things like THIS exist?


Yeah, I can't think of a reason, either. But we aren't here to look at the Harrymort pairing. We're here to look at one of it's most nonsensical fics, and that's saying a lot. Well, what do you expect when you read a Harrymort fic by the creature that wrote Not your normal abduction?

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Harry Potter and the Feisty sentiment

Summary: What if Voldemort's name was the one to come out of the triwizard cup when the professors had asked for Harry's most invaluable person?

I think the Suethor has gotten the Triwizard Cup mixed up witht the Goblet of Fire, as the Triwizard Cup doesn't spit out names. Also, since when does "invaluable" mean "soul mate"?

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Harry maybe a Gryffindor but his heart is of a true slytherin.

Suethor, were you absent the day that your teacher read the ending of Chamber of Secrets aloud(I refuse to believe this THING can read)? Harry could pull the sword of Gryffindor out specifically because he had the heart of a true Gryffindor. And what does being a true Slytherin have to do with falling in love with Voldemort? Draco's definitely a true Slytherin, but you don't see him and Voldemort together--


Wut.

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WARNINGS: AU,

Well, that's fortunate.

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DARK INTELLIGENT HARRY, SLASH BETWEEN OUR FAVORITE DARK LORD AND SAVIOUR, OOC

Wait, you just admitted that your fanfic had characters OOC? And not in a "I'm afraid this might be OOC" way, but in a "LOL THEY'RE OOC DEAL WITH IT" way. Why would any fanbrat admit that?

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Harry was feeling odd the summer before his fourth year. There was just something off with his moods and dreams not that he would openly admit that.

Don't worry, Harry, these feelings you're developing are perfectly normal and natural. You see, someday, when you love an evil, dark overlord very, very, much...

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In fact if one were to ask Harry how he was doing he would claim that he is perfectly normal. However much Harry would like to deny it the truth was that Harry's whole thinking process changed in a matter of a few weeks.

He suddenly realized that he was terrifyingly OOC.

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The moment that Harry had begun to change was when he found out that the "all powerful and influential" Albus Dumbledore was in fact the reason why his godfather Sirius Black never got a fair trial and was unjustly thrown into prison.

THE reason? Um, what part of canon ever said that? Oh, that's right, this is an AU with OOC, so the Suethor can do whatever the hell she wants!

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Why should Harry even believe that Dumbledore was all powerful and influential if he couldn't even save an innocent man from an unjust prison sentence?

Wait, first you say that Dumbledore is the REASON Sirius was in jail, then you say that he isn't powerful because he couldn't SAVE Sirius from jail. Which is it?

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It was July first nineteen ninety four a fairly normal day however what happened on this day was anything but normal.

All of the world's commas had been annihilated the night before leaving the populace in horror and out of breath from speaking without pauses.

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Harry was curled up as he slept in his cupboard under the stairs.

After the first book, Harry slept in Dudley's second bedroom, not under the stairs! Did you even read the books, Suethor?

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When Harry had fallen asleep on this night he assumed that his dreams would be filled of Hogwarts or something happy or even just a dreamless plane however none of these were the correct summary of what happened.

Instead, his dreams were filled with the bloody slaughter of innocent commas.

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As soon as Harry closed his eyes and fell unconscious he also happened to slip into a different world entirely. When Harry was sleeping the world around him changed drastically.

It was being warped by the creativity of a depraved Suethor.

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Harry 'woke up' only to find himself in a mysterious room. The room actually looked like some kind of study. Harry was currently lying on what looked to be a black futon bed covered with green blankets but there was also a desk, fireplace, and shelves of books in the room. He sat up slowly in this new bed as he took in his surroundings. The first thing Harry noticed however was that he was basically naked underneath the green blankets. The only thing Harry had on was a pair of silky black boxers.

I'm trying to imagine the purpose of silk boxers. I mean, they can't possibly keep anything in, can they?

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Without any warning what so ever Harry suddenly heard chuckling behind.

"Chuckling behind" sounds like a really painful fart.

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When Harry turned around to see whom exactly was making fun at his expense Harry nearly fainted in shock to see that the identity of the person just happened to be Voldemort himself. It was slightly amusing as well as embarrassing to find out that Voldemort was also in a similar state of undress. How can he laugh at me when we are both only wearing our boxers? I mean, what else could he be laughing at besides my state of undress. Harry felt unfamiliar emotions swirl around him but he had no idea what these emotions were exactly.

You are now forever plagued by the image of Voldemort in boxers. And by the way, how does Harry know what Voldemort looks like? This is before fourth year, so Voldemort isn't even back yet. Is he imagining the face on the back of Quirrel's head, or Tom Riddle?

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"Harry, my love, there is no reason to stare like you do. You have my soul forever, quite literally." Voldemort spoke softly as he moved towards Harry.

Um, isn't Voldemort not supposed to know that he attached a part of his soul to Harry? Otherwise he wouldn't have been so eager to kill him.

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"Am I dreaming this or is this all real?" Harry wondered aloud.

"Neither, it is the fantasy of a Suethor. We will most likely be trapped here until we are warped beyond all recognition.

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"For now my Harry this is but a dream but it can become real quite quickly." Voldemort responded.

Why is he calling me his love and his Harry? Last time I checked he absolutely loathed me for accidentally killing him when I was but a child. Why is he so close to me? Oh Merlin I just want to touch that pale marble chest! Wait what? Why do I have the urge to touch him? Oh to hell with it, if Voldemort doesn't want me to touch him then he can just leave because this is my dream not his.

Yep, I'm submitting this quote to WTF Fanfiction.

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Harry lightly placed his hand on Voldemort's pale lithe chest when the man had come close enough. He carefully traced every detail of Voldemort's bare torso.

Every hideous wrinkle and stretch mark.

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Harry never realized how much of an effect he had on Voldemort especially when while he was touching the gorgeous chest. This was a rather true fact until Voldemort reacted rather abruptly.

What the hell is this even supposed to say?

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Without a seconds notice Harry found himself pinned to the bed with Voldemort on top of him. Voldemort gently captured Harry's mouth with his own. Harry moaned into Voldemort's mouth. Voldemort mapped out Harry's mouth with his tongue and was honestly enjoying himself considering he had never been this passionate with anyone before. The snogging continued for a few more moments before the two broke apart. Neither of them had ever been this passionate with anyone and therefore they were unsure of the boundaries and their age difference happened to be the last thing on their minds. Together they curled up on the bed with their arms wrapped around each other. Harry somehow managed to curl himself into a bad sort of like an armadillo and while in this position he fit perfectly into the mold of Voldemort's body.

Yeah, Imma go vomit now.

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When Harry woke up for real this time he felt so alone.

"NOONE FUKING UNDERSTANDS MI!!11one" he cried as he reached for a steak to commit swisscide with.

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He looked around his cupboard in disdain as if he expected that it would look like the study his dream was featured in instead of this cramped little space. Harry faintly remembered reading something about wandless magic. He had come across the book while exploring the library in his first year however he did not give it much attention at the time. Harry decided that he would attempt to do wandless magic so he closed his eyes and focused on his cupboard before digging around in his subconscious for his magical core in order to produce the spell he wanted to happen. A few moments later Harry opened his eyes only to find that he had nearly transformed his cupboard into the study from his dream although it wasn't as large, didn't have a fireplace, and there was only one book shelving unit instead of forty.

Wow. Just, wow. He didn't even need to reread the passage where he found the info about wandless magic, he just needed to close his eyes and find his "magical core." And then he immediately turns his room into a beautiful study? I never thought of Harry as much of an interior decorator.

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The next thing Harry attempted to do was to summon his trunk to him along with some breakfast.

I'm guessing Harry is supposed to be locked in his cupboard right now, although again, that stopped after the first couple books.

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Harry grinned brightly when the things he had requested came to him.

What, did he summon them through the door? Oh, and let's not even get into how Harry is ALLOWED to do magic out of Hogwarts. That's just common sense for Suethors.

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He went about putting most of his text books on the book shelf but decided to leave his potions textbook on his bed as he wanted to do the summer homework for that class first. Harry had just finished up his breakfast and was halfway through his potions homework, which was to read five chapters and write two feet of parchment about what he read, when his Uncle Vernon suddenly opened the door to his cupboard. It seemed as if time froze even if it was for just a short time.

Please don't let this be Walking on Glass!Vernon, please don't let him--

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Harry had not expected his ungrateful relatives to visit him at all this summer

Look, there are lots of negative adjectives you can apply to the Dursley's, but "ungrateful" really isn't one of them. Harry isn't fifteen yet, so the saving-Dudley-from-Dementors hasn't happened yet, so they really have no reason to be grateful to Harry.

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due to the fact that he could possibly get his criminal god father to harm them.

Okay, so Harry got locked in his cupboard(why else would he not have his trunk with him?), but he didn't expect to see the Dursleys at all? Look, the Dursley's were never THAT cruel, they made sure Harry got enough food to survive. They would never allow themselves the bad reputation a dead body would cause.

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Vernon's face had shown pure shock at what Harry had done to the interior of the cupboard under the stairs but he also knew that if he didn't give Harry his wife's orders then the woman would threaten to take away his son and Dudley was the only thing that kept Vernon living happily at this moment.

POV switch! Wheeeee~!

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"Harry, for right now I need you to cook the family breakfast however when you are done I want you to a read a letter which I will have placed on your bed." Vernon whispered before leaving.

Harry thought that it was rather odd that not only had his Uncle Vernon called him by his first name instead of 'freak' but also the fact that he seemed to be fairly nicer than he ever was before.

Yeah, I'm thinking that's rather odd, too. Any explanations, Suethor?

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The almost fourteen year old bewildered wizard left the safety of his cupboard and went into the kitchen. It did not take Harry long to cook up bacon, eggs, and pancakes. In the end there was enough food that each of the three Dursleys could refill their plates twice. Harry waited until his relatives were done eating so that he could wash the dishes. When the food was all gone and the dishes were clean then Harry escaped to his cupboard.

RIVETING.

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Harry entered his cupboard quietly and closed the door behind him before picking up the letter nervously. Harry had absolutely no idea what the letter could be about however he did notice that it was in fact written in his uncle Vernon's handwriting. After unfolding the letter which had been folded multiple times till it was about the size of a deck of cards.

The following letter cannot be sporked. I'll just leave it in its original format for full impact.

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Dear Harry,

I understand that you are probably rather confused as to why I have acted so strangely towards you this morning as well as why I am being so kind. Well you see it is a long story. I am actually a squib. That's right; I actually have magic in my veins. I was told however that there might be a way for me to unblock my magic. You see, all squibs are simply wizards or witches with blocked magic. Once the magic is unblocked then they are just like any regular ole' wizard or witch. I do not hate you in fact it has hurt me that I have to act that way around you. My wife, Petunia, may be your aunt but she could have fooled me by the way she treats you. The only reason why I have to act like a sodding git (I am pretty sure I overheard you calling me that at one time) is because Petunia has threatened to leave me and take Dudley with her. Now I really could care less if she left but I cannot lose Dudley. Dudley is my pride and joy as well as the only reason why I have forced myself to live through hell. I hate the way Petunia spoils Dudley to the point of no return and treats you like scum. My personal opinion is that Dudley has been spoiled too much and I am trying to help him so that the negative effects will not be permanent. I do not want Dudley to be overweight and I do not want you stuck in the house all the time because it will bring the constant reign of Petunia down on you so I propose a plan for you two. I want you to help Dudley exercise by you both going on morning and evening runs. To also help you get out of the house I suggest you get a part time job. I can tell Petunia that you are 'paying off your dues' meanwhile I would only be taking thirty percent of your money. When you are done reading this letter it would be in your best interest to go clean up the yard so that Petunia cannot put you on a more severe chore.

Your Uncle Vernon

I know, right? Who knew Uncle Vernon was so terrible at punctuation and paragraphing?

Oh, and he's a squib and all that stuff.

Why is Vernon coming out with all this right now? What makes today any different from the last several years? He could have tried to help Harry out at any time. Oh, and if I'm not mistaken, VERNON was the one who came up with most of Harry's punishments. And if Vernon wants to get rid of her so much, why can't he just report Petunia's abuse to the police? With both Harry and Dudley as witnesses, I'm sure that he could win custody. And if Vernon knows that Dudley is overweight, and he never wanted him that way, why didn't he raise him healthier when he still had the chance? Petunia never seemed to want to fatten Dudley up on purpose.

This plot might as well be a lump of Swiss cheese for all of the holes it has, at least then we could make it into something delicious.

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Harry couldn't believe what he was reading.

Neither do I, kid, neither do I.

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It was as if his whole world refused to stop turning upside down.

"Dammit, Suethors, why can't you just leave my universe alone?!"

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He went outside while he began to try to comprehend what kind of schedule he would have this summer. While weeding out the garden Harry came up with the perfect plan for his summer.

Hey, WGWers, do you enjoy reading about people's mundane, everyday schedules? Do you quiver in excitement when you see someone brush their teeth in the morning? Does the thought of someone going on a morning jog warm the cockles of your heart? Well, if so, this is the paragraph for you!

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He decided that he would wake up at six in the morning and go running with Dudley until seven, then he would cook breakfast, next he would do any yard work that needed to be done, if he finished before lunch time then he would go back to his cupboard to do his homework, after homework time he would cook lunch, then spend the rest of the day trying to find a job or working if he found one, he would afterwards come home and cook dinner as well as clean the house if need be then just before going to sleep he would go for a run with Dudley.

It's just so beautiful.

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Harry deemed that it was a solid enough plan before he returned his focus to the flowers that needed watering. He noticed how the grass was starting to get tall so he grabbed the lawn mower and started mowing the lawn.

GIVE ME MORE OF THIS WORDSMITHERY, SUETHOR!

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The problem with mowing the lawn was that it caused Harry's mind to wander and when his mind wandered he was filled with all sorts of thoughts and day dreams.

"Dear God, why must I be doomed to this fanfic?"

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Why would I want to ever kiss and cuddle with Voldemort? Why wouldn't you want to kiss and cuddle with Voldemort?

Let's see:

1)He killed your parents.

2)He has only a fraction of a soul.

3)He is incapable of love.

4)He is the reason you have to live with the Dursleys, which seems to be quite a big concern for you.

5)He hates the hell out of you.

6)For all you know, he's dead.

Oh, and:

7)He's butt-ass fugly.

Just to name a few.

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He is the reason that my god father has to be a fugitive on the run! Shouldn't you be more worried about the fact that he killed your parents? Why should care about the fact that he killed my parents? For all I know my parents probably deserved it.

EX. CUSE. ME.

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Snape is always telling me how horrid my dad was and how he hopes I don't turn out like him.

Yeah, the thing about James is that Harry had an impeccable opinion of him until the fifth book, when he finally got to witness his father's cruelty. Until then, he just figured Snape was being a douche.

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Well then if you do not care about your dad then what about your mum? I do not care about either of them and I refuse to have my subconscious force me to think about them any longer.

HOW THE HELL IS THIS CANON? Canon!Harry would have done anything to see his parents again, even for a moment, which was why he was so attracted to the Mirror of Erised. He cared about his family more than anything, and even if he had found out that they'd done some bad things, he would at least be able to respect that his mother was willing to FUCKING DIE FOR HIM.

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Oh, calm the hell down. What are you going to do about the job thing that your uncle suggested? I remember seeing that the muggle cinema was hiring on my ride home from the train station so I will go apply there. Sounds like a fairly easy enough job. Yeah, so now leave me alone so that I can focus on my chores in order for me to actually get there. Don't be feisty with me.

Was this exchange supposed to be funny? Because it was about as funny as 9/11.

Also, why did Harry specify that it was a MUGGLE cinema? I mean, wizards don't have TV or movies, so I would think that Muggles would be the only ones with cinemas.

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After Harry's small argument with his subconscious he finally got his outdoor chores done. Harry went inside and told his uncle of how he was going job searching and that we would make sure that he would be back home in time to cook dinner.

Suddenly, 1st person POV.

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On Harry's way to the muggle cinema he ran into Dudley quite literally as he wasn't watching where he was going. Dudley decided that he would walk with Harry since he had been meaning to go see some new movie that just came out. Along the way to the cinema Dudley began talking to Harry about how his mother was actually horrible and then proceeded to tell Harry nearly the exact same things that uncle Vernon had told him through the letter earlier.

What, that he always wanted to be nice to Harry, but was afraid that Petunia would take him away? Look, Dudley has been a brat to Harry since early childhood, and kids don't just beat up on others because someone tells them to.

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"Dudley, your father told me how you want to start exercising in order to lose some of the fat you gained from your mother's untalented ways of eating

Wow, I didn't realize that Petunia was so bad at eating. I guess she misses her mouth a lot. Okay, I think that was supposed to be "cooking", but why would bad cooking make you fat? Does she accidentally drop sticks of butter into things because she's so untalented? Wouldn't bad-tasting food prompt one to be thin?

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so I have come up with a plan. How about we go for a run from six to seven in the morning and then again around seven to eight in the evenings? It would work perfectly with my schedule since all I have to squeeze into the day is my homework, chores, and work." Harry explained.

Homework, chores, and work is a much more more crowded schedule than the Suethor realizes, trust me.

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"Well I guess that would be a good idea. We can start tomorrow if you would like." Dudley responded happily.

I can't imagine Dudley being the slightest bit happy about having to run for two hours a day.

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Harry noticed that they arrived at the cinema so he said, "Perfect, well this is where I leave you. I must head up to the manager's office on the second floor. If I can will wait here for two hours for you to tell you of my results."

Since when does Harry talk this way? He's more likely say something like, "Er, I guess I'll see you in a couple hours. 'Bye."

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Harry walked slowly as he was slightly nervous as to what would happen in the interview.

Interview? You didn't schedule an interview. You're just showing up out of nowhere and expecting to get interviewed right away?

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The stairs seemed to go on forever before they stopped and it turned into a small corridor. There were four doors but luckily they all had tags on them so Harry knew which one to go to. The four doors were labeled; personal, manager, film library, and film operator. Harry assumed that the door labeled 'personal' was probably the cinema owner's apartment.

Maybe I'm weird, but I've never heard of a theater's manager actually living in the theater.

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He went over to the manager's door and knocked gently three times. It was only a moment's wait before Harry could hear a man call out for him to come inside. Harry entered the dimly lit office and closed the door behind him. The manager looked to be a man in his early to mid-thirties with shoulder length orange hair and bright blue eyes. There was something off about the man but Harry just didn't know what.

He was an OC, there was always something not-quite-human about them.

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"Are you still hiring?" Harry asked softly.

"It depends on what job you are trying for." The manager said.

"What jobs do you think I could qualify for? I have no experience in the working industry however I am quite intelligent so I believe I would learn quickly." Harry stated.

Look, Harry's no idiot, but he would never refer to himself as "quite intelligent". Oh, wait, one of the warnings was "DARK INTELLIGENT HARRY." Looks like we'll have to put up with this for a while.

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"You could either do the ticket stand, the snack stand, be my sex slave, clean the theater, or be a film operator. Although I think someone as cute as you could have real potential as my sex slave." The manager listed.

What.

No, really, what.

I DON'T THINK I FUCKING HEARD YOU, SUETHOR, COULD YOU PLEASE REPEAT THAT.

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Harry's eyes went wide in fear. What the hell is wrong with this guy? I am barely even fourteen and he is already asking for sex. I really need a job to get me out of the house though…

I WILL DESTROY YOU IF IT IS THE LAST THING I DO, YOU FOUL CREATURE DEFECATED FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. YOU WILL NO LONGER BE KNOWN TO THE WORLD AS MERELY "SUETHOR." YOUR NEW NAME IS "FULLY USELESS CUTE-KITTEN-EATING RIFF-RAFF." F.U.C.K.E.R. for short.

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After a few minutes of thinking Harry spoke up. He used all of the Slytherin skills he possessed in order to con the man.

Slytherin "skills"? Like what? Show, don't tell, F.U.C.K.E.R.

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"I have a proposition for you. If you pay me thirteen dollars an hour (I am going by US dollars because I don't want to screw up the money conversion)

Look, F.U.C.K.E.R., all you need to do is type "dollars to pounds converter" and you will get several online calculators for exactly how much whatever amount of currency is worth. I did it in five seconds. There is no excuse for this laziness.

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I will do part time as all five jobs.

WHY? Why not just take one or two jobs? You don't HAVE to be a sex slave!

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My only request is that if I am forced to be your sex slave then you cannot be rough with me and no blow jobs." Harry suggested.

You aren't going to be forced, he asked you! All you have to do is say no and leave, and you'll never have to do it!

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"Hmm…I guess that would be a fair trade. You can have the job. I want you to work here from twelve in the afternoon till six in the evening.

So a shift in each job only lasts an hour and twelve minutes? That's not even the length of the average film the theater will be showing!

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You can start working here now. Come over here. By the way my name is John." The manager said.

Harry sighed mentally before walking over to John. He suddenly realized that he actually didn't really care about the sex slave part of his job because then the man would give Harry experience that he would need for his future encounters with Voldemort.

I'm going to agree with textrix's comment from "Not your normal abduction." F.U.C.K.E.R. is not human. It's some sort of fanbrat AI.

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With Harry straddled along John's lap the two had a long snogging session. Harry found that John was actually a really nice kisser however the kisses just didn't feel right. John was worried when Harry suddenly buried his face in John's shoulder.

"Did I not kiss you the right way, love?" John asked worriedly.

"I am sorry but I just don't think I can do this right now. You kiss fine but… there is something wrong and I just cannot figure out what it is that is wrong."

That's something that a robot would say.

Oh, and of course Harry can't bring himself to kiss John, they're not in twu wub!

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"We don't have to make out right now if you don't want to. I am as much of a virgin as you are. What I am really looking for is companionship but sex would be nice if we ever got to that point." John whispered.

If you wanted companionship, why did you ask for a sex slave?! Is there any rhyme or reason for anything in this fic?!

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Harry secretly smirked while his face was buried in John's shoulder. Not only had he caused John to pity him but he had also caused John to reveal his own weaknesses as well as get Harry out of the sexual nature of the job.

You just said that you WANTED the sexual part of the job!

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John however was stupid enough not to figure out Harry's sly plan. It took only two weeks for Harry and John to actually bond in a 'friends with benefits' sort of way. Harry had gone home from work for the nineteenth time on July nineteenth nineteen ninety four. It would be Harry's birthday in two Sundays time. When Harry arrived home he was in for a big surprise that he did not expect nor want.

F.U.C.K.E.R was there, asking him to have sex with Voldemort, of all people! Gosh, what was wrong with that woman?

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Harry walked into his relative's home and as he was heading for the kitchen his aunt Petunia came up behind him silently and kicked him hard in the ankle causing Harry to tumble. When Harry tumbled he heard a loud snap as his ankle broke. Harry yelped quietly in pain but otherwise kept silent. Without having much time to prepare himself Petunia slammed a frying pan down on his face and then when she went to have a round two Harry blocked the pan's path with his arm causing the pain soar to new heights as his arm stung violently from the hit.

Look, Dudley was the only one to get physically violent with Harry, and even then he never injured him in a way that would necessitate a trip to the hospital! What books did you read, F.U.C.K.E.R., 'cause they sure weren't the Harry Potter books.

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Harry escaped his aunt when she foolishly slipped on her own loose shoestrings. He ran to his cupboard and stuffed all his belongings into his trunk before wandlessly shrinking the item to put in his pocket. Harry ran as fast as he could all the way back to the cinema which was four blocks away. Along his way to the cinema Harry happened to catch his reflection in a mirror hanging on a brick wall and saw that his face was black and blue. Harry couldn't stop the whimper that escaped from his throat.

What, was there a mirror hanging out in the street? Oh, and Harry managed to easily outrun Aunt Petunia with a broken ankle.

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John heard a loud knocking on his door which was odd considering this was the door to his personal apartment.

POV switch!

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Since the knocking sounded urgent John went over to the door even though he was only in his boxers.

How long does it take to throw on a shirt?!

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When the door opened it revealed a beat up Harry Potter on the other side of it. Harry didn't give John an explanation he simply threw himself at John and started to sob as his body was filled with pain. John frowned and cradled Harry's body against his own carefully before shutting the door and getting Harry to sit on the bed. He watched as Harry ended up passing out from the pain. Harry was curled up in John's bed when he woke up.

Mid-paragraph POV switch!

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He looked around for John but didn't see him in the room however he could hear a shower running from the door on the opposite wall from the bed. Harry sat up slowly in the bed. He saw that John had tried to bandage up his ankle and arm and couldn't help but smirk. It seemed as if he had gotten John to truly care about him. Harry was suddenly pulled into a vision.

For no reason, as is traditional for this fic.

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The room was lit by a copper chandelier that contained four candles. Within the room was a desk and the man sitting at the desk looked like Voldemort. Voldemort looked up from the paperwork he was reading as if he could sense Harry's presence before the dark lord once again turned his attention back to the paper in his hands. Out of curiosity Harry wandered over to the desk and peeked over Voldemort's shoulder in order to read the paper Voldemort was writing on. The paper seemed to have some sort of riddle on it.

Harry, don't you know how rude it is to read over your arch nemesis's shoulder?

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There will be two persons that will enter the world,

One will enter before the other but neither will be able to work proficiently unless they are together,

These two persons will bring the dark side to the rise,

Together forever the rulers will raise the protection of the dark arts,

Both males will come together to form a union,

And this union will be the downfall of the light.

That was the clunkiest propheccy I've seen yet.

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Harry was brought out of his vision by the sound of the bathroom door opening. He looked up at John and smiled small at the man whom was only wearing a towel. Harry couldn't help but think that the riddle from the vision would be about him and Voldemort because they seemed to fit the description as well as the dream that Harry had had earlier in the summer.

Heaven forbid there be some sort of mystery or confusion over the answer! Nope, we'll just resolve that whole conflict right away.

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John dropped the towel to the floor as went over to his dresser to get his clothes. Harry watched John with sharp eyes and shot out of the bed and over to the man before John could get the boxers on that he had in his hand. Harry pressed up against John's naked backside and leaned up so that he could whisper in John's ear.

"You shouldn't cover up such beautiful art." Harry whispered as his lips curled up in a smirk.

"Yeah, that tramp stamp is just gorgeous. Don't bother putting pants on."

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John's breath became erratic before he mumbled, "If you are sure?"

That's not a question!

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Harry tugged John over to the bed. John slowly undressed Harry and made sure to give the raven haired boy a kiss after each article of clothing was pulled off. Just as John was about to pull Harry's boxers off Harry wandlessly cast a spell over John. The spell Harry cast caused John to freeze in his movements while his mind played a fantasy in his head. Harry carefully laid John down on the bed before he started putting his own clothes back on. Harry watched amusedly as John harden only to cum and soften before becoming hard again. It appeared that John would have tried to perform two rounds continuously on Harry if he had not stopped the older man. Harry decided that he would go to work in the other sections of the cinema while John was busy 'having sex'.

Yeah, and Harry just wandlessly Confunded a guy. Look, why is there no one from Hogwarts trying to find out why Harry is using all this magic? Just because it's wandless doesn't mean the Ministry won't know about it!

And so ends the first chapter. How many chapters are there, you ask?

THIRTEEN. Each one is roughly the size of a chapter of the Emperor's Harem, and unlike that particular fic, this baby was just updated less than a month ago, so we can reasonably suppose that there will be even more. I'll admit, I only read ahead to Chapter Three, but I'm already sick of it. Anyone hoping to spork is more than welcome. May God have mercy on our souls.

Actually, the whole wandless magic is kinda believeable if you think about it for a sec, the ministry most likely has spells that track the types of magic on all wands, so if you wandlessly use magic they have no proof unless someone sees it... I guess, I dunno.

Reidmar wrote:

Actually, the whole wandless magic is kinda believeable if you think about it for a sec, the ministry most likely has spells that track the types of magic on all wands, so if you wandlessly use magic they have no proof unless someone sees it... I guess, I dunno.

Heh. What with the main premise of this fic and the execution of such, to discuss the implausibility of wandless magic is like pulling a serial killer for a busted tail light.
I wouldn't know where to start sporking this and I'd probably hit the back button before finishing Chapter 1 - kudos to SouthSimGal for the guts and endurance.

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Harry lightly placed his hand on Voldemort's pale lithe chest when the man had come close enough.

But what is the opacity of Voldemort's chest? We must know!

The whole sex slave thing is just weird. I was expecting some boring rape as soon as the phrase 'dimly-lit office' came up, but they negotiate politely and then the narration acts as though there had been coercion involved.

Where we left him last, Harry was Confunding the shit out of John(yes, I had to go back to Chapter One just to remember his name) and going off to work elsewhere.

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Harry had the entire cinema cleaned and every muggle that walked in the door happy.

But not the wizards. He made sure all the magical folk were very unhappy.

In all seriousness, why does Harry keep referring to people and things as "Muggle"? Harry in canon always referred to Muggle things by default. He wouldn't say "every Muggle" unless he was purposefully excluding the magic folk in the crowd. I'm sure it's just a mistake of the author's, but it makes Harry's narration all the more uppity.

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It was when he finished that he noticed someone that he never thought would be in a muggle place. The person had shaggy blonde hair that slightly past his ear with bright blue grey eyes. Harry went over to the familiar boy to take his order.

Wait, take his order? In a cinema? None of the jobs John listed was "waiter".

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"I think I will try cheese fries and a soda." the familiar aristocrat said.

"Will that be all Malfoy?" Harry responded.

"Yes I think- Potter, what the hell are you doing here?" Draco announced in shock.

Yup, Draco Malfoy mixing with Muggles. Get used to it, folks, the characterization will only get worse.

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"I work here obviously." Harry said in a monotone voice that was eerily similar to Snape's.

Harry would NOT be all bored-sounding if Draco suddenly showed up in a Muggle place. He would be weirded the fuck out.

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"I am just trying to blend in so if you could please give me my order then I will let you be." Draco said.

Harry nodded and handed Draco his order before whispering, "Meet me by the restroom when your movie is over."

Are they smokers? Or are they gay?

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Harry watched as Draco's eyes widen slightly before he nodded back in response. You see Harry had a perfect course of action. He was going to hand Draco a letter that would be addressed to the Dark Lord and then he would see if Draco would allow him to stay in the Malfoy Manor until everything was sorted.

Um, Draco wouldn't know how to deliver a letter to the Dark Lord, seeing as he's DEAD at the moment. F.U.C.K.E.R. keeps forgetting that before fouth year, Voldemort was dead to the world.

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It turned out two hours later that the plan was successful

Of course, we'll tell you this instead of showing it to you. Teehee!

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but mostly because of how much shock Draco was in. Harry ran upstairs, grabbed his things, and just before he left the cinema with Draco he rigged the cash register of all the money it contained.

Yeah, that's Harry Potter. Always willing to steal money from his employer.

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Draco looked at Harry oddly when he noticed his classmate's theft but Harry simply responded,

"After all the shit I have been through Draco, trust me I deserve this money even if the Potter line is rich."

Oh, of course, it's not stealing if you DESERVE the money! On what account do you deserve it, Harry? You weren't underpaid for your work, in fact, you set your own wage. And your boss never mistreated you, you acted like you wanted everything he suggested! You don't NEED the money, as you could always just stop by Gringotts to get more, and you can't even use that money, because it's Muggle money! Of course, this just ups the accusations of pride for Harry.

"Pfft, they're just Muggles! It's not like it MATTERS that I'm taking their money! I'm a wizard, so I deserve it!"

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Draco frowned and wondered what could have possibly happened to change Harry so much.

I would like to know that, too.

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What Draco thought was odd was that Harry was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Should Harry be bloody hot in winter clothes considering its fairly warm outside? Maybe he is trying to hide something beneath all those clothes... I hope he isn't a cutter because I am not very good at acting as a therapist.

WHAT?! Okay, I'll just ignore the fact that Draco shouldn't have any idea what a "cutter" is, and focus on the fact that Draco is being attentive enough to care that Harry might be uncomfortable. Of course, the Suethor has changed the character who always considered himself to be equal or lower than everyone else, and made him a self-righteous snob, while forcing the one who subscribes to an ideology of pureblood supremacy to be a worrying little gumdrop.

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Harry followed Draco to a large hill and once they reached the top of said hill then Harry could spot the Malfoy Manor.

Wait, wait, Draco's house is within walking distance of a Muggle town? And Draco WALKED to a Muggle town? Yeah, fat chance.

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If Harry had to guess he would say that the manor was only about two miles away and probably almost an hour's worth of walking.

That's a thirty minute mile. I sleepwalk faster than that!

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I wonder why the Malfoys live so close to muggle civilization. I would have thought that they wouldn't want to be anywhere near muggles.

Yeah, J.K. Rowling would think so, too.

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Why is Draco staring at me weird? Harry sighed softy and gestured for Draco to speak his mind.

How do you do that? Point at your mouth, then at your head?

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He was shocked however at the theories that seemed to spew out of Draco's mouth. How dare that moron think that I cut myself!

"Blech, the very thought that I would allow my precious blood to touch the filthy ground! Puh!"

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I would never cause self-inflicted wounds on my own body.

Wow, I was a lot closer to the truth than I thought.

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"Draco, I swear that is one of the most outrageous things that has ever come out of your pretty mouth. I do not cut myself. I am wearing winter clothes because it is always freezing inside the cinema and on top of that I didn't want to accidentally spill something on my bandages." Harry explained.

Seriously, imagine Harry saying this. You can't, can you?

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"What do you mean bandages and why do you think my mouth is pretty?" Draco said hysterically.

Wait, what? *flips back to previous paragraph* He did! Dammit, F.U.C.K.E.R., I came here for Harrymort, don't you dare give me Draco/Harry!

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"I ran away from home after my aunt gave me a rather severe punishment which involved in me harming my arm and ankle. You're a beautiful male specimen Draco so of course you have a pretty mouth. Other than that the fact I am gay is pretty obvious." Harry stated.

Wow. Just... how do you fit so much OOC into one paragraph? Just throw in "Oh, and I f&*%ing hate magic." and you'll have the exact opposite of Harry.

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"You're not looking too bad yourself but I already have a beau so your sentiments towards me are pointless. My father can heal you once we get home." Draco spoke softly.

Who is Draco's beau? Whoever it is, I want the story to immediately neglect Harry just to focus on these two! Draco may be OOC, but I'll put up with him a thousand times over before I read more of Harry!

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"My apologies I didn't mean to hit on you. I sort of have someone myself so no need to worry about me." Harry said with a small smile.

The two walked at a relatively slow pace because of Harry's ankle but they eventually reached the Malfoy Manor in an hour and ten minutes time. Draco told Harry to rest his hand on the gate in order to key him into the wards.

Magical wards: now with 100% more hand-scanning!

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After Harry was keyed in the two walked up to the manor's front door and went inside. Harry without any warning suddenly collapsed to the floor.

Man, don't you guys hate it when that happens?

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Draco yelled out to his father to come help him as he cradled Harry in his arms. Harry whimpered as he buried in his face in Draco's shirt.

Oh, come on! Don't make me start up the "Harry's whimper count" again!

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There were loud footsteps followed by Lucius Malfoy appearing in the foyer.

"Why is Potter in my home, Draco?" Lucius questioned coldly.

"Father he is hurt and he is trying to contact the Dark Lord.

"Also we're out of commas. Can you pick some up on your way home from work?"

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We have to help him. I know for sure that he injured his ankle and arm but I am unsure of the extent and what else might be wrong." Draco explained quickly.

Lucius face seemed to soften slightly. Together the two Malfoy men carried Harry's body towards the living room. They gently laid Harry down on the couch and were surprised when Harry's shirt as well as the couch he was laying on and the Malfoy men's hands were drench in a sticky warm scarlet substance.

Um, why? Harry's been able to work all day and walk two miles without bleeding a single drop! Why is he suddenly a bloodspout?

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Lucius set to work on healing Harry while Draco set a house elf with Harry's letter to the Dark Lord.

The house elf would give that box to another house elf. Then that house elf would give it to another house elf. Then the house elf would give it to an owl. Who would deliver it to another house elf. Who would run barefoot through the snow to deliver it to Voldemort.

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It took an hour to heal all of Harry's injuries and even though Lucius was using his wand ninety percent of the time his hands still managed to become drenched with three layers of Harry's blood. It turned out that Harry had been stabbed multiple times in the abdomen recently, his wrist was fractured, and his ankle had been broken.

Wait, stabbed? Go back and read the Petunia attack scene in last chapter. She never stabbed him, she just broke his ankle and hit him in the arm and head. If anything, he should have a concussion!

Oh, and HOORAY for physically abusive Dursleys! I really should have mentioned this last chapter, but I was in such a rush to just get throught the damn thing that I didn't point out all the stuff I hated. Look, I get it, the Dursleys were lousy people who had no right to treat Harry the way they did. But they were never so violently and openly abusive! Their abuse was neglectful and emotional, not running-around-screaming-throwing-frying-pans. I feel like Suethors that feel the need to step up the Dursley abuse do so because they feel that emotional neglect just isn't good enough, no, you're not REALLY being abused unless you're being constantly beaten up and starved. It gets even worse in cases like Walking on Glass where the abuse is turned sexual, because it sounds like "Hey, kiddos! You know your parents who ignore you, make you feel worthless, sometimes hit you, and overall don't give a shit what happens to you? Well guess what? BITCH YOUSHOULDBEGRATFULTHEYAREN'TFUCKINGRAPINGYOUYOUDON'TEVENKNOWWHATABUSEISRAGGLEFRAGGLElL;IFOJWERJOJAJ;!!!!111ELEVENTY-ONE"

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The Dark Lord was sitting in his kitchen snacking on cookie dough

PFFFFTTT.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

YOU GUYS. VOLDEMORT IS EATING COOKIE DOUGH.

If anyone here can draw, even just a little, PLEASE draw me a picture of this. After this sporking, I need it.

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because it had always seemed to comfort him when things looked gloomy.

Awwww, Voldemort's having a bad day! I will forever be imagining AVPM!Voldemort in this fic's Voldemort's place.

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Right now Voldemort was nibbling on sugar cookie dough. The sight was odd to the little Malfoy house elf. Voldemort glared at the small creature however he calmed down when he noticed that said creature was holding a letter for him. The house elf handed the letter over politely before apparating away. Voldemort opened the letter and read its contents silently.

Why was a house elf delivering mail? Even people who haven't read or seen Harry Potter know that OWLS do the post work!

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Voldemort opened the letter and read its contents silently.

Dear Dark Lord Voldemort,
I am unsure if you are aware but you came into one of my dreams a few weeks ago. I believe it was July first to be exact. You told me of how romance could blossom between us in reality rather than just in dreams. A few weeks after this dream I had a vision of you reading a riddle that seemed to be about us according to my pervious dream.

You bet it was pervious.

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I wanted to tell you that I am willing to test the waters so to speak with this new development. I however have a bit of news for you. I have left my muggle relatives for their abuse has become too severe. I am currently living at a muggle cinema in Surrey however if you go there and I am nowhere tone seen then I am most likely with the Malfoys for I am in the process of trying to ask them for shelter. If you would like to meet so we can discuss this face to face then just give me a time, day, and location and I will be there.
Sincerely,
Harry Potter

"Why, the Potter boy has no sense of paragraphs! I suddenly have a much better reason to destroy him!"

Quote :

It took three days for Harry to come around even though he was already healed. Severus, whom had come to visit Lucius, checked Harry over and announced that Harry was still unconscious for the pure reason of exhaustion. Draco watched over Harry because for some reason he felt something akin to the feeling for a brother towards Harry.

DON'T YOU DARE GIVE HIM A BUBBLEBATH, DRACO. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

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When Harry awoke he found himself staring at an odd sight. Lying on the couch across from Harry was Draco curled up with none other than Seamus Finnegan.

DUN DUN DUN!

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Harry never suspected that the blonde pure blood would be in love with the Irish half blood. Draco was lying on Seamus' chest when he heard Harry moving around so he looked up and found himself staring into emerald orbs.

"How are you feeling Harry?" Draco asked softly.

"Much better, thanks for getting me help." Harry whispered in a rough voice.

Harry spent the rest of the day with Draco and Seamus. Apparently the two had met one day at the lake when both had been looking for somewhere to relax from their school work. Draco would have automatically left when he saw the Irish Gryffindor siting against the tree at the lake but Seamus convinced him to stay. Harry congratulated the two on their relationship when they told him that today was their seven month anniversary.

Okay, so they met when Draco SAW Seamus, and decided to stick around him. Well, then what happened? Did they get to talking? Did they screw? I want to know these things way more than the other plotline, F.U.C.K.E.R.!

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He had been offered a bedroom on the second floor of the manor that was coincidentally right across from Draco's. Harry found out quickly that Draco needed to learn silencing charms because Harry had the blessed torture of hearing his two friends have rather loud sex across the hall.

Well, that's nice.

Quote :

Harry lasted all of ten minutes before he cracked and went over to his friends' room and slammed the door open. He ignored the fact that his friends were naked and thrusting against each other like rabbits.

"Either shut the hell up or put silencing charms up. I can't take it anymore!" Harry screamed.

Harry's screaming causing his friends to stop in mid thrust. They stared at Harry with wide eyes and nodded. The two cast very powerful silencing charms around the room so Harry left.

If shown instead of told, this scene could have been pretty funny. But we get no details and no imagery, so why should we laugh?

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-Time skip to the next morning-

Harry woke up around seven. He yawned and got dressed in comfortable clothes which included black sweatpants and a loose green t-shirt. It may be summer time but Harry hated wearing shorts. Another reason why he wore winter clothes all the time was because he was constantly cold no matter what the weather could be outside. Harry always assumed it was just a birth defect or something.

Oh crap. F.U.C.K.E.R. just spent over a sentence explaining something. That means it will be important later!

Quote :

Harry went downstairs towards the dining room where he knew everyone would gather for breakfast. When Harry entered the dining room he found that he was the first one to wake up. He looked at the table and grinned brightly when he noticed mangos and berries, his favorite foods of all time. Harry sat down and began piling various fruits onto his plate as well as grabbing a bowl of porridge.

Yeah, because when I think of my ideal breakfast, it is always accompanied by a bowl of PORRIDGE.

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While Harry was pouring himself a mug of black coffee Severus entered the room.

"How long have you been down here?" Severus asked curiously, shocked that he wasn't the first to be up for once.

"Oh, I woke up at seven but I didn't get down here till around seven thirty. I didn't feel the need to have to rush my walk down here." Harry answered softly before eating a berry.

"Wow, usually I am the first to wake. You drink your coffee black?" Severus spoke.

Dammit, Snape, react to Harry being here! Canon!Snape would disdainfully interrogate Harry on why he was so intent on meeting the Dark Lord.

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"Umm yeah? I have always drank my coffee black. The extra sugar would make me bounce off the walls if I had added it." Harry said with a weak grin.

"Interesting... Did you do any of your summer assignments yet?" Severus said in a monotone voice.

"Yeah I finished all of them thankfully. Your assignment was the first one I did since it is my favorite subject." Harry stated happily.

Okay, I get it, Potions class is useful and probably interesting, but it doesn't change the fact that your teacher is a jerk. No matter how great the subject matter in a class is, you will never truly enjoy it when it's filtered through a teacher you hate, so there's just no way that Harry was secretly in love with Potions class. Not to mention that I was under the impression that Harry wasn't into those "studying" classes and preferred hands-on things, like DADA and Quidditch.

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"Your favorite subject? Potions is your favorite subject? How the hell can Potions be your favorite subject yet you do so poorly in my class?" Severus asked bewildered.

Just imagine Snape saying "What the hell?". Just do it.

Doesn't sound right, does it? Because very little could surprise Snape, and even when it did, he would never let on. It's called canon characterization, F.U.C.K.E.R., learn it.

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"It is a beautiful art to be a potion maker. I however have yet to fully comprehend some of the tactics for stirring and preparing ingredients." Harry answered in a somewhat dreamy voice.

GAAAAAAH, stop putting fluffy words in Harry's mouth! He is not this eloquent!

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Severus simply stared in shock before ordering, "You shall study with me for the next few weeks and then in that time you will become a pro at your favorite subject. We can start around noon today. "

Harry nodded in agreement and ate his breakfast happily. His birthday would be soon and Harry just couldn't wait. Severus watched the odd assortment of food that Harry ate. The potions master just deemed
it odd that a teenage boy like Harry would only want to eat fruits ninety percent of the time. Severus continued to observe Harry from afar- for scientific purposes of course.

What's with all the ship tease?! We know that Harry will end up with Voldemort, it's in the frakkin' description! You're not fooling anybody with all this Snarry and Haco business!

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One afternoon that happened to be a day just before Harry's birthday things became stranger. Harry didn't show up at his potions lesson

The lessons we have never seen and therefore have no way of knowing whether this behavior is odd or not.

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which worried Severus. They had been having these potions lessons for nearly a week now and Harry had not missed one and then suddenly Harry just didn't turn up.

Or you could just tell us that it's odd behavior. That's nice too.

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Severus wandered around the manor in an attempt to find Harry. When he found Harry he could not believe the sight he was seeing. Harry was lying on a furry rug in front of a blazing fireplace. The raven haired teen was asleep but Severus could hear pleasurable noises erupting from the sleeping boy's throat as he snuggled closer to the fire.

Great, now F.U.C.K.E.R. is even ship-teasing Harry with the fireplace.

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How can he stand this heat? It's nearly a hundred degrees in here! Severus walked over to the boy and gently shook him awake. Harry was sleeping peacefully when his world started to shake so he blearily opened his eyes.

Mid-paragraph POV change! Fuck yeah!

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He was surprised to find that Severus was the one who woke him up. Harry sat up slowly and stretched sleepily. Once Harry was fully awake he noticed that Severus was staring at him funny.

"What's wrong Severus?" Harry asked softly.

"You are sleeping comfortably in an oven and you are asking me what's wrong? Harry it is nearly as hot as outside in this room. How can you stand this heat?" Severus questioned rapidly in worry.

"I have always been able to stand extremely warm weather..." Harry said quietly.

Harry tugged the hood of his hoodie down so that it would cover his face. Underneath the hood Harry was crying silently but he refused to allow Severus to see him so weak.

Uh, why are you crying?

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Before Severus could interrogate Harry anymore there was a knock at the door. The door opened a second later to reveal the Dark Lord, Voldemort himself.

In canon, this would have been a really creepy and tense moment. However, since we know for a fact that this Voldemort likes to eat cookie dough and sneak into the sexy dreams of thirteen-year-old boys, I'm mostly just worried that he might start crying too.

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"What is going on in here?" Voldemort demanded.

Harry lifted his head causing his hood to fall backwards. His face now uncovered revealed slightly red eyes from crying and dry tear tracks that seemed to end just above his lips. Voldemort stared at Harry sadly while on the inside he felt as if his heart was breaking. It took all of Voldemort's inner strength to ignore his urge to run over to Harry and cuddle him close.

This couldn't be unintentional. This HAS to be a trollfic. No one in their right mind could possibly even CONSIDER the possibility of wizard Hitler CUDDLING his worst enemy. Oh, wait, F.U.C.K.E.R. also wrote a story in which and incestuous rapist with a desire for an underage sex-slave became a woobie Sue love interest. Anything is possible.

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"I am sorry milord I was just questioning Harry about his health concerning habits." Severus said quietly but in the silent room his voice was amplified.

"What is wrong with Harry that concerns you Severus?" Voldemort asked monotonously.

"He eats nearly only fruits and is constantly trying to stay over a hundred degrees. This is not normal for a teenager milord." Severus explained.

"You're right, he should be waiting until he's 18 to start eating only fruits and sleeping in boiler rooms."

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Voldemort frowned before opening his arms towards Harry. Harry ran into Voldemort's arms without a second thought.

DON'T YOU DARE GIVE HIM A BUBBLE BATH, YOU COOKIE DOUGH-EATING MOTHERFUCKER

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Harry snuggled into Voldemort's embrace.

THIS SENTENCE SHOULD NOT EXIST

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Voldemort rested his chin on top of Harry's head. Severus left soon after Harry went into Voldemort's arms for it seemed to quickly become a very passionate moment between the Dark Lord and supposed saviour of the wizarding world.

DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE, SNAPE! You still have a chance to stop this before the smut begins! Just a couple of Avada Kedavras and this can all be over!

Quote :

Harry didn't know how long they stayed in each other's arms but they only broke apart once Harry's stomach started to make angry hungry like noises. Together Voldemort and Harry went downstairs to the dining room for dinner.

END OF THE CHAPTER HEEHEEHEE HOOHOOHOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEE

SouthSimGal wrote:

If anyone here can draw, even just a little, PLEASE draw me a picture of this. After this sporking, I need it.

And deserve it.

Spoiler:

The Unoriginal wrote:

SouthSimGal wrote:

If anyone here can draw, even just a little, PLEASE draw me a picture of this. After this sporking, I need it.

And deserve it.

Spoiler:

THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD

I WILL FRAME IT AND KEEP IT ON MY MANTLEPIECE

FOREVER

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Without any warning what so ever Harry suddenly heard chuckling behind.

How rude!! I always like a little ahead warning when people think they're going to chuckle.

Okay, guys. I'm back with another chapter. But...

Well, let's just say that I've loved your reactions. I'm very grateful for you guys and your support, and I could never have made it through these two chapters without you.

BUT...

If these last couple chapters were the consistent tone of the fic, you guys would not have a sporker here. When wading into this thing to see whether it was spork-worthy or not, I was on the fence about it until I got to Chapter 3.

To put it simply, this chapter is much, MUCH, MUCH, worse than the first two. THIS chapter is where it leaves the "Huh, this is pretty bad" level and reaches the territory of My Immortal. This chapter, and those following it, are SO DAMN BAD, they will cause you to question your faith in a loving God. So, if you aren't ready for that, I suggest you leave now before we get started.

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Chapter 3 Fallen

Is it Harry who's fallen? Off a cliff?

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Voldemort had left a few hours ago for he could only stay until dinner.

"Aww, but Voldy, can't you stay a LITTLE longer?"

"I'm sorry, but I've got enemies to kill, a ministry to corrupt, and a wizarding world to take over. I've stayed too long already!"

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Harry had talked with Voldemort about the prophecy they recently heard of as well as Voldemort's plans.

We will not get to see this conversation. We're just going to be told it happened.

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However all of this was done many hours ago and now Harry lay in his bed whimpering for he deeply missed Voldemort. Harry had charmed his room to be "abnormally" warm so that at least he could be comfortable even though he was depressed about Voldemort's departure.

Oh yeah, remember that whole "always cold unless he's in ridiculously high temperatures" thing? Yep, it's finally coming to fruition in this chapter. I bet you can't wait!

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Could this be the feeling that everyone always talked about? The feeling of falling in love or is this merely just a crush.

Well, you know what they say in Cosmo: if you're willing to stop using commas for him, it's more than just a crush.

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Harry loved the way Voldemort could hold his attention for hours even if it was talking about the most boring subjects such as politics. The way Voldemort held him close for hours on end earlier just to make Harry feel better caused Harry to presently bury his face in his pillow and sob at the loss of the inviting body heat.

Dammit, get a space heater and put a lava-lamp on top of it! That'll do just about the same thing!

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It took a long time but Harry finally fell asleep and when he did he was graced with the lovely presence of Voldemort.

KILL. ME.

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Harry was standing on a beach and he noticed a cottage close by. He curiously walked up to the cottage and knocked on the door. Harry grinned when the person who opened the door was Voldemort. He absolutely adored the man and to show Voldemort his exact intentions he leaned forward and placed warm lips on Voldemort's slightly chilled ones. The kiss lasted for a few moments before the two had to break away for air. Voldemort tugged Harry inside gently by the wrist. Harry followed Voldemort willingly. Voldemort closed the front door before taking Harry over to the living room area where the two began to snog senselessly. It didn't take long for the two to both lose their shirts and then end up laying on the couch. Harry snuggled up to Voldemort with his head resting over Voldemort's chest.

GAAAAAAHHHH IT'S IN MY EYES.

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Harry so badly wanted his dream to continue however he was abruptly woken up by severe pain that seemed to erupt from everywhere in his body.

Yeah, I can think of another thing that might be erupting from your body.

BUT SERIOUSLY. BLOOD. LOTS OF IT.

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Looking over at the alarm clock on the bedside night stand he noticed that it was twelve o' one in the morning meaning it was finally his fourteenth birthday. Why does my birthday have to be so painful?

"If it were any more painful, I might slit muh ritsz!"

Quote :

The pain Harry was feeling lasted till twelve thirty in the morning before Harry passed out.

Okay, so Harry wakes up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain... so he just lays there quietly for half an hour.

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When Harry fell asleep for the second time he was in a dreamless plane much to his chagrin. Harry's stomach felt like it flipped when he awoke causing him to stay in bed longer than he meant to.

Around eight thirty Harry went down to the dining room for breakfast. Severus, Lucius, Draco, and Seamus were already sitting at the table when he entered the room. Everyone looked up when they saw him. Automatically forks dropped to plates in shock.

"Why, Harry's been possessed by a Stu!"

"Oh dear God! Someone, hide the children!"

"Quick, get out of the house, before its gasses smother us! We can use the neighbor's phone to call the PPC!"

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"What's wrong with you guys?" Harry asked with a frown.

"Have you seen your appearance this morning Harry?" Seamus asked.

"You're covered in sparkles!"

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When Harry shook his head no Severus conjured up a mirror to show Harry what he looked like.

Here it is, you guys. You want to know what's wrong with Harry? You want to know why he's been behaving so oddly? Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

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Harry gasped when he noticed lemur ears on top of his head and a furry tail swaying lazily behind him.

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lemur ears

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lemur ears

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lemur ears

THIS IS IT. The making moment of every shitfic, where it slips from ordinary badness into horrific bowel movement central. For My Immortal, it was when Raven left. For legolas by laura, it was when Laura got raped. In Subjugation, it was when we found out Snape was a hermaphrodite. Only when a fic extends so far beyond what is considered "normal" and "right" that people can no longer register the premise as invented by humans, can a true shitfic be born.

And we just witnessed it.

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Suddenly Harry didn't feel so good and it was only seconds later that poor Harry collapsed. While Harry was unconscious Severus did research to find out what was going on with Harry. Severus found a book in the Malfoy library that was titled 'The Book of Inheritances: What you could or could not have become'Severus opened up the book and began to skim through the chapters.

Yeah, and the rest of the chapter is not so much prose as it is a fluctuating stream of diarrhea.

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It turned out that Harry was a rare creature called the lemur demon.

Yeah, not only is he a lemur, he's also a demonic one.

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According to the book lemur demons enjoyed warmth and affection. A lemur demon's diet consisted mostly of fruits but a lemur demon would eat nearly anything if it were a dire situation. Severus set the book down on the table and let out a long sigh. How could I have not known that Harry had creature blood in him?

Um...

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crea·ture [kree-cher]
noun
an animate being.

Yeah, I would hope he had some creature blood in him.

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James showed similar signs of what Harry is going through when he was the same age.

Wait, what? How would you know that, Snape? You hated James, and you were in different houses, so how did you know that he was in the habit of basking in warmth and eating nothing but fruit? Why would you pay attention to such things?

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What I don't understand though is if Harry was a half-blood that meant that there was no way that Lily could possibly his mother.

... the hell was that even supposed to mean? I think F.U.C.K.E.R.'s trying to imply that only purebloods can be lemur demons (oh god what did I just type), so Lily couldn't possible be Harry's real mother? I don't even know.

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If Lily isn't his mother then whose his other parent?

Place your bets now, WGWers, because we find out later this chapter. Yeah, don't hold on to that tension or anything, just dispel it as soon as possible.

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Harry woke up to find himself surrounded by warmth. He unconsciously let out a mewl of contentment as he snuggled further into the warmth. Harry was surprised when the warmth suddenly chuckled. He opened his eyes sleepily but he quickly became wide awake as he noticed that the warmth he was cuddling up with was actually Voldemort himself. Voldemort smiled small as gently caressed Harry's cheek. Harry nuzzled Voldemort's hand lightly before Voldemort spoke up.

"How are you feeling Harry?" Voldemort asked worriedly.

"I am kind of freaked out about my new appendages but other than that I am fine." Harry answered quietly.

That line wasn't meant to be funny. It was meant to be serious.

Harry is just fine. Other than those lemur ears and everything.

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Voldemort nodded and held Harry close. The two snuggled together for a while before Lucius came into the room. Lucius explained that in order to learn more about Harry they would have to take the lemur demon to Gringotts where they could get a lineage potion done.

You know how in Neville Gets an O, I said that the unnamed "confess-your-lust" potion was the most contrived one in the wizarding world? I take that back. The lineage potion blows that one out of the water.

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Harry agreed but Voldemort refused to allow Harry to go without eating lunch first seeing as it was already twenty minutes past noon.

"Now, now, I refuse to let you go without lunch first!"

"But Voooooldyyyyy, I'm not even huuuuungryyyyyy!"

"No buts! It's lunchtime and you're going to eat!"

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Voldemort watched as Harry ate nearly three whole mangoes before having a handful of berries and a cheese sandwich. Harry burped loudly before giggling causing the others in the room to laugh softly at the lemur demon.

Because... burps are funny?

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Voldemort scooped Harry up in his arms and together they apparated to Diagon Alley. Lucius, Severus, Draco, and Seamus effectively surrounded Voldemort and Harry so that no one would be able to see them.

Oh yeah, no one could possible spot Voldemort in a crowd. It's not like being a hardly-human snake-like demonic creature carrying the savior of the world would attract any attention.

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They quickly went into Gringotts and talked with the head goblin Griphook. Voldemort sat down in a chair that was in front of Griphook's desk. Harry sat down in Voldemort's lap while the others all stood by the door.

So NOW what's your excuse for why Voldemort is free to frolic about in public? No one's hiding him, he's right there with Harry!

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Voldemort explained to Griphook what Harry wanted and seconds later they had the results.

No word on how this "lineage potion" works. We just have deus ex machina results.

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Harry James Potter-Black (half-blood, lemur demon)

Wait, so Harry IS a half-blood? I thought that was impossible? Was Snape trying to say that a Muggleborn couldn't be a parent to a half-blood? What gave F.U.C.K.E.R. that idea?

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Father: Sirius Orion Black (pureblood, human)

Wait, what? So Harry isn't even a Potter after all?

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Mother: James Black nee Potter (lemur demon)

OH GOD.

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Godmother: Lily Evans (Muggleborn, human)

OH DEAR GOD PLEASE NO.

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Mate: Voldemort (half-blood, human)

OH DEAR GOD SAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE--

*Ahem*.

I can't continue with this chapter for now.

I'm going to have to split it in two.

Thank your for reading.

But before you go:


Enjoy.

Oh my God, I am dying laughing here. A lemur? Why? Never mind, I don't want to know.

SouthSimGal wrote:

they will cause you to question your faith in a loving God.

Oh, well, I'm sorted then.

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The lineage potion blows that one out of the water.

I would honestly see a use for that being made at some point (though not the way this story has it). I mean, come on we have blood tests here in the real world, why couldn't magic have made something a long time ago to make sure that someone's wife wasn't making him bring up children that weren't his?The pure-bloods are stuck in the 1800's, so I'd assume that they would have the same attitude towards women having children that are not their husband's.

Of course in THIS world no one really gives a shit about stuff like that because the guy in charge of the title/money can just have the damned baby himself so why WOULD they need the potion?

I think my brain just broke.

...

I'm really hoping this is a troll. I mean, lemur?

Okay, guys, I'm back, after a long day of drowning my sorrows in York Peppermint Patties. Last time, we left our heroes as they discovered the TRUTH about Harry's ancestry. Namely, that he's James's assbaby with Sirius.

Yeah, I'm just going to leave for another minute--

*gets booted back in*

Alright, here we go.

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Harry stared at the piece of parchment in front of him. He never would have suspected that his "godfather" was actually his father. While Harry was in shock there was a commotion outside of the room.

The PPC had finally arrived!

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There was a loud rapid knocking that would not cease as well as yelling.

"Open this door and put your hands in the air while we read you your list of charges!"

[quote]When Harry came out of his shock he could recognize the yelling voice as Arthur Weasley's. Harry went over to the door calmly and opened it to reveal the red headed father. Arthur came into the room and pulled Harry into a hug.

"I was so worried about you. I was afraid that your new found friends were going to hurt you.[quote]

Yeah, Arthur probably would be worried about that, seeing as his newfound "friends" are FUCKING DEATH-EATERS.

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I also wanted to invite you to come to the world quidditch cup with the boys, Hermione, and myself." Arthur spoke as he lightly touched Harry's lemur ears.

No surprise about the lemur ears? None at all?

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"I would love to come to the world quidditch cup with you guys. What day is the tournament?" Harry asked.

"Actually the tournament is tomorrow. We would have to leave early in the morning but the actual game doesn't start till later in the day." Arthur explained.

"I am taking Draco and Seamus to the tournament tomorrow as well so it is up to you which one of us you go with." Lucius spoke up.

NO. No, Harry, you are not going to choose your worst enemy's family over your best friend's. YOU. ARE. NOT.

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Harry turned to Voldemort and whispered, "Will you be coming to this tournament as well?"

Voldemort took one look at Harry's puppy eyes before nodding in agreement. Harry decided that he would go with the Weasleys

THANK YOU!

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and then the night of the game he would spend it with Voldemort.

I take that back. NO thank you, F.U.C.K.E.R.

Oh, and half of the rest of the chapter is ONE PARAGRAPH. Fortunately, there's no dialogue in it, but it's so compact it's ridiculous. Seriously, the rest of the chapter is the brainstorming notes you would take while PLANNING a chapter, not prose!

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After Lucius going back to get Harry a bag of his belongings, Harry went with Arthur to the burrow. Harry was greeted by Fred and George. The twins hugged Harry close to him.

Well, if they were hugging him, I would gather that they were pretty close to him.

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All of the Weasleys except Ginny, Percy, and Molly accepted Harry.

What, and they didn't? DON'T YOU DARE BASH MY WEASLEYS, F.U.C.K.E.R.

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Since Harry was scared of these three family members he hid in the twins' bed.

SCARED?! Look, I could see Harry trying to avoid Percy, because he's so boring, or Ginny, because she tends to freak out when seeing him, but Molly? Sure, Harry was intimidated by her presence, but no way would he be scared! Besides, Molly would most certainly NOT allow Harry to stay the night without her talking to him. She would search the whole house for him!

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Fred and George curled around Harry protectively which made it look like Harry was inside a cocoon.

I think F.U.C.K.E.R. secretly ships World/Harry.

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The next morning everyone woke up at seven and left the burrow by seven thirty.

Ooh, schedule enthusiasts, ahoy!

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After meeting up with Amos and Cedric, the portkey traveled them all to the world quidditch cup tournament. Everyone settled into their tents by eight in the morning. The day passed by boringly but after the game was anything but.

Yeah, Harry would NEVER find the freakin' Quidditch World Cup BORING. Have you SEEN a soccer enthusiast watch the World Cup? They are NOT bored.

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Harry met up with Voldemort once the game finished. Once inside Voldemort's tent things quickly became passionate.

EW NONONONONONONO

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It started off as a kiss which turned into a heated snogging session

GAAAAARRRRRR GET ME THE BLEACH

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which happened to turn into them undressing and laying together nakedly while still snogging.

STAAAA--hey, "nakedly" is a funny word--AAAAAAAHHHPPPP

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Voldemort and Harry began to make love with screams in the background.

Screams in the... background? No, no, no, F.U.C.K.E.R., you're not going to...

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Just as Harry screamed out Voldemort's name in pleasure everything and everyone became silent. As it turned out while the two had been making love the death eaters attacked the others.

Um, the Death Eater attack was not a "blink-and-you'll-miss-it" thing. It lasted a while and destroyed a hell of a lot of stuff.

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Voldemort made sure that Harry's friends were not harmed.

How? Did he fly around and check on them? Did he apparate? Did be use the telekinesis that he hath? What?

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The only ones that were remotely attacked were a few muggleborns and ministry authorities.

"Remotely" attacked. People were "remotely" attacked. Yeah, that's the word that came to my mind when I read/watched that scene.

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Voldemort may not like muggleborns be he didn't want them dead

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

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yet because he could turn them into useful allies and sometimes muggleborns could be just as powerful as purebloods for instance Hermione Granger.

Yes, they had that intriguing ability to punctuate their sentences. That was the power that he wanted.

Okay, now I'm going to get serious here. There's been a lot of stories about how Voldemort only hates Muggleborns as long as they're disobeying him, and how the moment a Muggleborn Sue joins his side and "proves" to him that she's just as devoted as any pureblood, he will immediately dissolve into a puddle of melting goop in her palm. Yeah, I can't make much of an argument against OOC here, since that area in canon is slightly murky(after all, he supports pureblood supremacy, yet has no problem with loyal half-bloods), so I'll make an allegory argument instead.

Most adult Harry Potter fans know that Voldemort is an allegory for Hitler. The Muggleborns are the "racially impure". Here's something for you: Hitler didn't give a shit how "good" a Jew was. He didn't care if they were willing to give their lives for his cause. He didn't care how brilliant they were and how well they could serve him. He wanted them all dead because he felt that they, as a people, not as individuals, were evil. There was no "redeeming yourself" in his eyes. You were immediately less than human no matter what you did.

We have been given no reason to assume that Voldemort is any different, so I'm just going to say that this fic's characterization of Voldemort is a pile of steaming camel shit. Of course, you all probably figured that out when he started eating cookie dough.

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Harry woke up the next morning in Voldemort's arms.

Wait, so Voldemort checked on the Weasleys and Malfoys, then just went back to bed? They're laying there in the middle of the burnt campground?

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He vaguely realized that the two were naked and that last night they had made love to each other for the first time. Harry at first was silently panicking before he decided that what had happened was over and it couldn't be changed besides Voldemort had not hurt him once during the entire night so he relaxed and snuggled into Voldemort's lithe chest. Voldemort felt Harry's half hard cock against his thigh and couldn't help but grin in his daze. Voldemort couldn't believe that his young mate actually allowed him to make love. The bond that was formed between them last night caused a delicious sensation that ran through both of their bodies.

Yeah, they're destined "mates" or something. Or should I say, "mate's".

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Voldemort cleaned up the mess that their cum and sweat had caused. Harry couldn't stop grinning which actually made Voldemort grin brightly. The two shared a gentle kiss before they got ready for the day. Voldemort and Harry got dressed before they carefully took the tent down. Harry looked around and saw the destruction that was surrounding him but it still could not get rid of the grin on Harry's face.

"Yeah, fuck all those people and their pain and suffering! I got laid!"

Oh, and is Harry going to acknowledge that it's the followers of his lover that did this? No? Okay.

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Voldemort wrapped his arms around Harry's waist gently before kissing Harry's neck lightly.

"You ready to go home?" Voldemort asked curiously.

"Yeah, I think so." Harry said before lifting his head and kissing Voldemort full on the lips.

Harry had fallen and he had fallen hard for the one and only Voldemort.

No, he had fallen hard for a mysterious cookie-dough-eating doppelganger of his. Common mistake, though.

Well, I'm done here. Only eleven chapters left~!

How much you wanna bet Molly not accepting Harry was really her worrying over him? As in "Why are you sleeping with someone who wants to kill you?" and "Well are you at least using birth control dear?" But she's sooooo not accepting of him and hiz tru luvvvvvvv!!!

Harry/Voldemort? We'll be seeing Crystal/Ron Raper fics next.

This story officially gets

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The Stamp of Heresy

Ugh, I'm back.

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Chapter 4 Hogwarts

Finally it had come, the day when Harry could go to Hogwarts.

Does that mean he'll be any more in character?

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It was September first of nineteen ninety four. The day was sunny and the train station was bustling with Hogwarts students.

This sounds like the opening narration of a 9/11 documentary.

"Little did Harry know that this lovely day would be interrupted by the most audacious attack on Harry Potter canon in history!"

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Since Harry had been with the Malfoys, Voldemort, and Severus this summer he got to take the wizarding world entrance to the platform instead of going the muggle way.

Um, how's that? When Harry went with the Weasleys in Book 2, he went the same way he did the first time. No exclusive wizard entrance was mentioned.

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Harry loved the great red train with a fiery passion. Did anyone catch the joke there? Because Harry certainly did as he soon found himself chuckling quietly.

...whaaaaaaaaaaaat...

Does ANYBODY get this joke? I mean, is the train supposed to be a phallic symbol? How is this funny?

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Voldemort was wearing a black cloak which was large enough for the hood to cover half of his face in order to avoid causing terror at the train station.

Because some random pedestrian with a cloak covering his face isn't suspicious at all.

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Harry shared a warm gentle kiss with Voldemort before hugging Lucius and Severus. Together Harry, Draco, and Seamus boarded the Hogwarts Express and sat down in the nearest empty compartment that they could find. It did not take long for Fred, George, Ron, and Dean to find them and soon their trunks joined the others on the rack as well as under the seats when they needed more room. If one were to look in the window of their compartment they would complain about how packed it was but if you were to ask the people within the compartment they would explain that it was simply cozy. Sure, there wasn't much room for their trunks but everyone was just skinny enough to sit comfortably on the seats and the floor while still having an immense amount of elbow room.

I counted seven kids there. I don't know much about the size of real train compartments, but in the movies, I'm pretty sure each one had only four seats. I mean, yeah, they COULD fit, but not with an "immense amount of elbow room".

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"So, what crazy thing do you think will happen this year?" Ron asked out loud.

"Haven't you been paying attention? I'm obviously going to keep falling in WUB with Voldemort, just as F.U.C.K.E.R. wills it."

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"Well, My father overheard the minister talking about the Triwizard tournament being held at Hogwarts this year. I am not sure if we will be allowed to enter because as far as I know there is an age restriction on the contestants but it should be quite a thrilling show to watch throughout the year." Draco spoke softly.

Ugh, the nonchalantness with which he discusses a huge event that hasn't been held in centuries is killing me.

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"I hope they allow us to join!" Fred and George exclaimed at the same time.

Wow, spot-on characterization, F.U.C.K.E.R.! You must have true mastery of the personalities of the Weasley twins to have gathered that they would want to participate in a Tri-Wizard Tournament! At least, that's what I'd say if they hadn't spent half of the actual book talking about it.

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During the rest of the ride those that were couples snogged when they thought no one was looking.

What?! There are seven people in a compartment meant for four, there is not a moment when no one can see them!

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Dean and Ron felt left out as they didn't have a significant other to snog with and Harry was too busy reading to talk with them.

Since when does Harry really like to read?! The only times we see him enjoying reading in canon were when it was a major plotpoint! He certainly wouldn't prefer it to talking to his best friend! Speaking of which, where's Hermione?

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Ron pulled Dean out into the corridor and told him of a plan to find their own lovers.

Uh, is this sounding sociopathic to anyone?

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As they traveled down the corridor of the train they passed by many possible candidates as well as definite no's however once they reached near the end of the train the two desperate Gryffindor teens found themselves exactly what they wanted.

"Some people in my compartment have boyfriends! Well, if they can get it, I can too!"

*pokes head out into the hallway*

"Hey, anyone wanna make out with me?"

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The compartment that they stopped in front of contained only two people, two Slytherin teens, Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott. Ron knocked lightly on the compartment door and waited for the occupants to allow them entry.

To their compartment, or to their... *cough*

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Just as the boy known as Blaise opened the compartment door the train jerked causing Ron to fall onto Blaise. Blaise managed to catch Ron as well as hold them both up by cleverly catching the edge of the door with one of his hands while the other rested on the middle of Ron's back. Ron looked up at Blaise shyly as Blaise smiled down at the angel in his arms. Blaise stood there with Ron in his arms for nearly ten minutes before Dean and Theo told them to "sit there arses down morons."

Oh oh oh, one character just got into a clumsy accident with another! According to Suethor Law #2345742, these two are destined for TWU WUBBLES!

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When the train ride finished and everyone headed towards the carriages Harry noticed that Ron and Blaise were holding hands while Dean was walking closely with Theo.

Yes, the... what, hour? of train riding gave them all they needed to know to enter in to TWU WUB!

Okay, one could make the argument that it's no different from Ron and Harry becoming bestest buddies on the train ride in Book 1, but that's not true. For one, Harry and Ron had a huge conversation-starter; you know, the whole "you're the savior of my world" thing. And two, Harry was somewhat starved for friendship after spending a childhood without any true friends to speak of, not just randomly going out to try to find someone to snog with him. Third, Harry and Ron were forming a platonic relationship, much easier to form than a romantic one. Fourth, their relationship was still in its early stages at the end of that train ride, and over the course of the rest of the series, we got to see it develop and change a lot. This relationship will always remain at the exact same stage of OMGTWU-ness throughout the fic. Fifth, and most importantly, JKR actually bothered to SHOW us the conversations and interactions they had on the train ride that allowed them to become so close, while F.U.C.K.E.R. just says "LOL THEY'RE IN LOVE NOW" and leaves it at that.

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Harry couldn't help but smirk at how his silent plan of action worked. You see, Harry had been planning to get his two roommates their own lovers and by doing that he decided to ignore them on the train in order to get them to go explore the other compartments.

Yeah, he just knew that the sheer mortification of not having anyone to talk to would force them to form meaningless relationships with two random characters that F.U.C.K.E.R. pulled off of the Harry Potter wiki.

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Harry, Draco, Seamus, and the Weasley twins all got into one of the carriages that would take them to Hogwarts. All the reading on the train had caused Harry to become quite tired. Harry barely ate anything at dinner before sluggishly walking up to the Gryffindor tower. At dinner not only did the first years get sorted but Dumbledore told of the Triwizard tournament and two different institutions came to Hogwarts for the year. Durmstrang was a school mostly for boys but a few girls could get in if they could pass an intelligence test and the same way was with Beauxbatons but with men.

This is of no surprise to anybody. No element of wonder at meeting hundreds of new people, seeing them enter on ships and flying horse-drawn carriages?

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Harry drifted asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow.

Harry felt warm arms wrap around his torso. His naked body leaned into the equally naked embrace of Voldemort.

"I love you baby." Voldemort whispered.

Voldemort and Harry shared a sweet innocent kiss. Instead of having sex like one would expect of two naked male lovers Voldemort and Harry simply cuddled nakedly on a rather comfy couch.

"Did I mention that they were NAKED in this scene? Because they were both completely STARKERS! They had NO CLOTHES ON!"

...

"NUUUUUUUDIIIIIIIITYYYYYYYYY~!"

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After they finished cuddling for a while they began to discuss military tactics.

Why is that line so funny to me? I just keep imagining two hardened generals, seriously discussing their moves for the next day...

"Hey, wanna CUDDLE?"

"I was HOPING you'd ask!"

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It was oddly a relaxing dream even though not much occurred. Voldemort decided that for the last event in the tournament he would appear to give everyone a shock of their lives.

Oh yeah, because that's our Voldemort. Always the incurable prankster!

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Harry was about to ask Voldemort if he ever thought of running for the minister of magic when the dream suddenly ended.

How about because the Minister doesn't hold enough power to satisfy him? And that not many people would be willing to vote for a notorious murdering villain?

Snip Harry waking up, being cold, and taking a shower.

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Harry stayed in the shower for nearly an hour before he heard his roommates wake up and start moving about. He quickly shut off the water, dried off with a black towel, and got dressed. Today Harry went with a black sweater and dark skinny jeans underneath his school robes.

He was also wearing a purple top with corset stuff on the back that showed off his belly and a leather miniskirt that made his ass look good. You may think he's a slut, but he's really not.

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Harry waited for his friends to finish getting ready before they headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast. When they reached the Great Hall nearly half of the tables were already filled with students from all three institutions. Harry sat down and started gathering his breakfast. For breakfast this morning Harry went with blueberry pancakes covered in blueberry syrup along with a mug of black coffee.

He was also having Count Chorkula with blood instead of milk and a glass of red blood on the side.

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He was eating his breakfast and drinking his coffee when Professor McGonagall handed him his timetable for the year.

Snip Harry's schedule. Yes, F.U.C.K.E.R. wrote out Harry's ENTIRE SCHEDULE. As far as I know, it holds absolutely no significance, so you're really better off not knowing.

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Ron was watching Blaise from afar and said Slytherin just happened to be watching said Gryffindor as well. When the two noticed that they were staring at each other they blushed and looked away.

WUBBLE WUBBLE WUBBLE

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Ron did not eat like a pig anymore in fact he was actually eating like a normal person which was a shocker to a great deal of the people in the Great Hall that were known for being the victims of having to see Ron's half chewed food whenever the red headed boy talked.

Yes, Blaise was so ~*AMAZING*~ that Ron immediately gave up all his undesirable traits, like, you know, his characterization.

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Actually Ron was in a state of shock because he had just received a note that worried him greatly. The note held great power over Ron and therefore was why he ended up being late to Herbology.

Wait, where are we? I thought we were at breakfast?

Quote :

This note that Ron had mysteriously gotten caused him to hide in the bathroom for twenty minutes because he couldn't get his tears to stop.

Wait, the reason Ron wasn't eating normally was that he was shocked by the note? But then he didn't need to cry about it until he needed to go to Herbology?

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Ron decided that he would show Harry the mysterious note to see if he would be able to help him. After apologizing to Professor Sprout Ron handed the troublesome note over to Harry. Harry unfolded the note and quickly skimmed the contents.

"Why, it's a fanfic with us written out of character! What sick bastard would do this to us?"

"I don't know, Harry, it was all I could do not to lock myself up in the bathroom all day!"

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Ron, I know you are dating a Slytherin and for that you will die. ~ TheBlackRose

See, I told you it was a crappy fanfic! Look at that Suethor name!

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"It will be okay Ron. We can tell Severus and he will be able to help us find who has done this." Harry whispered calmly.

"J-just don't leave my side today Harry. I am terrified and there is not much I can do because I really like Blaise." Ron whispered scaredly.

"Yeah! Our love is so twu that other big fat meanies just can't help but want to destroy it!"

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"I will be here for you Ron now and forever. We need to get back to work but stay close to me and you will be fine." Harry whispered soothingly.

And that's where I leave you for now. Next chapter is entitled "Ron". Guess what's going to happen!

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Instead of having sex like one would expect of two naked male lovers

...because only male lovers have sex when they're naked. I've been doing it all wrong! D:

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Chapter five Ron

I'm actually kinda glad to be back right now. I can't wait to rip into this chapter!

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Warning: Ron is an extremely submissive character in this fic therefore he is rather extremely OOC

WHY WOULD YOU ADMIT THAT?! Are there seriously fanfic writers who think OOC is just another trope they can use? What's the point of fanfiction if the canon characters have been warped beyond recognition?

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-In the story line: Last chapter was Monday but this chapter is on Thursday so that's a two day time skip-

That absolutely HAD to be in an author's note; there's just no way to inform us of the setting in prose!

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Ron's hands were constantly shaking and he flinched every time someone or something moved around him. Everyone that called Ron a friend was worried about him but Blaise Zabini worried most of all for the red headed teenage boy.

After all, he had met him early this week, and had been dating him from an hour after that! That completely merits him caring about the guy WAAAAYYYYY more than those silly three-year friends and brothers of his!

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Ron wouldn't look at Blaise and for that Blaise frowned.

When? What, is this supposed to mean that Ron has refused to look at Blaise since he got the note? And Blaise has been frowning about it the whole time?

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If Ron wouldn't tell Blaise what was wrong well then Blaise would just find out all by himself. The dark skinned Slytherin stared at his red headed Gryffindor lover and tried to find out what was wrong.

"If I gaze at him long enough, I will find out what's wrong!"

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It did not take too long for Blaise to notice the flinches and the shaking.

"Oh no, my lover has been uke-fied by a Suethor! Well, I suppose I have no choice but to put him down now!"

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Class lasted for another half hour before Blaise got a chance to corner him. Blaise had sent a note to Harry during class so that he wouldn't have to deal with a fight from Ron's friends.

How do you guys think that note went?

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Dear Harry,

I'm going to corner Ron after our unspecified class today. Don't worry about it. It's not like I'm planning to rape him or anything.

Not at all.

There will be no raping going on when I confront him.

Totally Sincerely,

Blaise Zabini

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Ron was packing up his rugged canvas book bag when Blaise came up behind him. Blaise lightly placed his hands on Ron's waist. Ron jumped slightly as the movement startled him so bad that his heart was now beating rapidly in his chest. He looked up at his dark skinned lover and smiled ever so slightly. After taking a deep breath Blaise slowly lowered his head before gently covering Ron's lips with his own in their first kiss. The kiss lasted for nearly a minute before Blaise pulled away from Ron. Ron gripped Blaise's robes in his hand as he turned around and unconsciously dropped his glamour which revealed a large bruise covering half of his face.

What-? Ron's... glamour? Okay, I know a bit about glamours from other canons, but some other readers of this thing might not. And, most importantly, THERE AREN'T ANY IN CANON. If glamours were so simple that a fourth year could pull them off, why would Polyjuice Potion still exist?

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"Who hit you? I'll kill 'em." Blaise whispered worriedly.

"I-it was no one-e." Ron stuttered scaredly.

Scaredly? Also, whatever happened to Harry reporting ~*~TheBlackRose~*~ to Snape? Shouldn't there be something going on to track the guy down? Or at least something mentioned about how Harry had a talk with him, but Snape couldn't do anything due to lack of clues to the kid's identity?

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"Don't lie to me love. I want to protect you from whoever is harming you." Blaise murmured as he pulled Ron closer to his chest.

"I will protect you, because as you know, you enjoy taking it up the ass, which means you might as well be a woman! And women most certainly cannot defend themselves from bullies, they must quiver in the arms of a significant other! We learned that from "Mate's"!

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"I-it was some b-boy I don't know his name only t-that he is from Ravenc-claw." Ron stuttered once more before burying his face in Blaise's chest.

Okay, you saw the kid, at least well enough to know that he was wearing a Ravenclaw tie, and are completely powerless to report him?

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"Has anyone else harmed you or threatened you?" Blaise asked in anger.

Ron was a whimpering mess but he managed to nod against Blaise's chest. Blaise bit his lip in order to calm himself down as he could tell that his anger was scaring Ron. Since there were no classes left for the day Blaise carefully lead Ron out of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Together they went up to the Room of Requirement.

"Don't worry now, Ron, now that we're in Deus Ex Machina-land, everything will be fine in a jiffy!"

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The Room of Requirement turned itself into a mix of a bedroom, common room, and library. There was a large fluffy bed, a fireplace, a table, and hundreds of books littered on book shelving units.

Book shelving units? Again, F.U.C.K.E.R. is some sort of fangirl supercomputer.

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Blaise carefully laid Ron down on the bed before joining him. Ron snuggled into Blaise's side and fell asleep. When Ron woke up a few hours later he explained to Blaise that he hadn't slept in the last two days. Even though Ron didn't have much of an appetite he allowed Blaise to drag him down to the Great Hall for dinner.

Remember kids, if a friend of yours is being physically and emotionally threatened by your classmates, don't bother reporting it to people in authority! You can fix it all by yourself with food and cuddles!

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Ron whimpered when he was forced to depart from Blaise.

"Nuuuu! What wiw I do wiffout my twu wub to protect me fwom da bad guys?"

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As soon as Blaise's hand left Ron's the red head began to freak out.

"AAAHH! No, if I cease to touch my seme, I will completely lose all ability to function as a human being!"

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Harry wrapped his arm around Ron's shoulders in a friendly yet soothing gesture. Ron calmed down slightly and buried his face in Harry's shoulder instead of eating.

"Well, you're not the one who'll be boning me up the ass soon, but I guess you'll do."

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Everyone watched the red head oddly, well, except for one boy whom was smirking, Blaise whom was staring worriedly, and Harry whom was trying hard to comfort the scared boy. It took a half hour but finally Harry convinced Ron to eat. Ron ended up eating two buttered bread rolls and a small portion of pasta before he gave up on eating.

He was trying to starve himself to death, in order to escape this fanfic. True, he would have prepared a quicker, more painless method, but F.U.C.K.E.R. had advised the other characters to keep him away from sharp objects, and his wand had been mysteriously confiscated. Why, he couldn't even drown himself, due to F.U.C.K.E.R.'s request that he be given daily bubble baths by Blaise.

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-After Dinner with Harry, Severus and Voldemort-

"Voldemort, you have to do something. Please, for me? I can't stand to see my friend so terrified that he won't sleep and eat. I worry for his safety especially after the threatening note he received on Monday." Harry explained.

"And obviously the people who run the school are completely powerless to punish bullies. We have to leave that up to an inexplicably alive Dark Lord."

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"I will see what I can do but I can't guarantee that my methods will work… I will go to every house and examine the minds of the students in each house.

"I can do this because, as you know, I hath telekinesis."

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I can only do so when they are asleep so it will take a while." Voldemort suggested.

"Just do the best you can." Harry stated before giving Voldemort one long slow kiss.

"Ek, do that when I am not in the room.

I second that.

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I do not even understand why they are targeting mister Weasley considering Seamus is also a Gryffindor that is dating a Slytherin." Severus said softly.

Good point.

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"True, however Seamus is a dominant in that relationship meanwhile Ron is a submissive making him more of a likely target." Harry explained.

What?! How do Seamus's housemates know whether he prefers to catch or to pitch? Don't you dare tell me it's due to his personality.

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"I best be going. I shall let you know of my progress in the morning." Voldemort said before kissing Harry on the cheek and kissing Severus on the top of his head.

Since when is Voldemort so kissy with his Death Eaters?

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-After Dinner with Ron, Blaise, and (unknowingly) TheBlackRose-

Blaise was walking with Ron towards the Gryffindor tower. His arm was wrapped around Ron loosely. Ron snuggled into Blaise's embrace. Without so much as an alarm the lights in the corridor went out.

Obviously, a strong draft had blown out the torches. You know, since that's what "lights" mean in Hogwarts.

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When the lights came back on Blaise was standing in the middle of the corridor alone.

All the torches were simultaneously lit? Does ~*~TheBlackRose~*~ carry around Dumbledore's Deluminator?

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Ron's distant scream filled Blaise's ears and soon Blaise was racing in the direction of the noise.

Yeah, someone managed to pull Ron away from Blaise's snuggling and far away, without Blaise hearing or feeling anything. Why? BECAUSE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT, SILLY.

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TheBlackRose dragged Ron into an empty classroom in the third corridor and locked the door behind him. Ron was thrown to the ground and he felt an immense pain erupt from his ribs.

"Who are you? What do you want from me?" Ron yelled.

"I am TheBlackRose. You will be my prisioner because I refuse to allow that Slytherin and you reproduce." TheBlackRose shouted.

I agree! We must not let you mpreg creatures keep breeding!

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TheBlackRose turned out to be a boy that had pale skin, dark blue eyes, and chocolate colored hair. Ron watched as the boy shed his Ravenclaw robes before moving towards him.

Shed his... robes? No, F.U.C.K.E.R., you're not going to...

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TheBlackRose had a glint in his eyes that terrified Ron so badly that Ron attempted to crawl away but the dark haired boy merely laughed evilly and then grabbed Ron so he could not move.

He then twirled his handsome handlebar mustache in childish glee.

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Ron watched wide eyed as TheBlackRose thrusted against him and whimpered pathetically as he tried to get away once more.

Dammit, Ron, do I have to modify HARRY'S WHIMPER COUNT to include you, too?

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TheBlackRose merely laughed and kissed Ron hard while unbuttoning Ron's jeans. Ron whimpered as he struggled and finally he pushed the boy away long enough to catch a breath.

"Tell me, if I am being forced to get fucked by you, then at least tell me your real name." Ron said while trying to buy some time.

TheBlackRose sucked on Ron's throat before saying, "Terry Boot."

Wow, this guy is SOOOO CLEVER. Letting your rape victim know your full name for no reason other than them asking. That's just... wizard Einstein.

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*warning the next paragraph gets slightly graphic but not too badly though it might make weak stomachs kind of queasy*

Oh boy, what a treat!

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Ron gulped as he felt the urge to moan at Terry's ministrations but he withheld the urge for he had a stronger sense of disgust. I belong to Blaise damnit not fucking Terry Boot.

Yeah, that's the problem with rape! Not that it's incredibly painful and ridiculously degrading, but because it might make you stop wanting your beloved partner!!!1111

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How the hell am I going to get out of here? I will have to try to charm him while I try to get my wand. Ron played his part by –disgustingly- caressing Terry's sides while he slowly maneuvered himself.

Wait a minute...

Nowhere does it mention that Terry took away Ron's wand. Why does Ron have to move around to grab it? Why would drawing his wand not be his first reaction the moment he got pulled away from Blaise?

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It took a good hour before he could reach his wand which was lying on the floor.

WHAT?! Terry was raping him for AN HOUR?! How long does Terry take to get off?! And more importantly, why hasn't Blaise arrived by now, or gotten one of the teachers to start a search?

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Ron was about to grab his wand when Terry suddenly thrusted into his hole without any preparation whatsoever.

Oh, so that hour was spent on rape-foreplay? WHAT IS THIS?!

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While Terry was thrusting mercilessly into Ron, Ron was screaming loudly in pain. Ron could feel blood run down his legs but he ignored the blood as well as the pain in order to grab his wand.

*queasy part is over*

Oh, so F.U.C.K.E.R. is done with the fic? Thank goodness, I was worried this might go on for a while...

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Ron pointed his wand at Terry and shot off a hex which caused Terry to fly backwards and hit a wall. Without too much thought Ron quickly shoved his boxers and jeans up from their position around his ankles and ran out the door after he countered the locking charm. Ron ran and ran and ran until he was in the dungeons. The next moment Ron was pounding his fist on the door to the Potions master's rooms. Severus whom had been lightly dozing off on his couch woke with a jolt as he heard loud knocking so he ran over to the door and opened it. Ron ran into Severus' arms and began to sob. Severus could smell blood and something else but he couldn't identify it was radiating from the boy.

YOU LIED TO ME, F.U.C.K.E.R. You told me I wouldn't have to be queasy anymore.

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"Shh, calm down. Tell me what's wrong." Severus said calmly.

"Terry B-boot." Ron whispered before passing out.

Ugh, that's it for now. Seeya later, WGWers.

Last time on Harry Potter and the Suethor from Hell Feisty Sentiment:

Ron was raped by "Terry Boot", who we earlier knew as ~*~TheBlackRose~*~. Now he's in the hospital wing.

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Severus fire called Albus, Minerva, and Poppy immediately after he laid Ron down on his couch. Fifteen hours later Ron woke up groggily.

Now I'm imagining the scene from Back to the Future:

"Mum? Is that you?"

"There, there, now, just relax. You've been asleep for almost fifteen hours now."

"Ugh, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamed... I was in a horrible fanfic and was ridiculously OOC."

"Well, you're safe and sound now, back in good old Feisty Sentiment."

"WHAT?!"

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Ron could feel a dull ache between his legs and up his spin. As Ron glanced around he found that he was lying on a hospital bed with Blaise, Harry, and Severus surrounding him on chairs.

They'd all been there for fifteen hours. It's not like any of them had anything to do.

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Blaise had his head resting against the edge of the bed as his fingers were laced with Ron's. Ron shifted in his bed causing his lover to stir. Blaise yawned as he sat up sleepily but he was soon wide awake once he noticed Ron was staring at him. Ron smiled small as Blaise hugged him. The hug kind of hurt though because it caused the dull pain to become less dull and more painful.

"What happened to you beautiful?" Blaise whispered as he caressed Ron's cheek.

"Some bastard pinned me down and stole our life's savings of commas! I'm so sorry!"

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"The person who threatened me was the same one who attacked me last night. TheBlackRose is actually Terry Boot of Ravenclaw. He- He said that he couldn't allow us to reproduce and then he r-r-raped me. I am so sorry Blaise. I am so sorry that I couldn't be stronger, that I couldn't give you my virginity because of him."

Guh, I won't get on to F.U.C.K.E.R. for saying this, since she doesn't seem to believe it, and refutes it in the next paragraph. However, I will get on to her about how Ron could NOT be subdued by anything less than a full-body bind, and he would never say any of these things either.

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"Shh, Ron it's okay. I am here now. You won't ever have to see Terry Boot again. I should be the one who is sorry, I promised that I would keep you safe and I failed. Please don't ever think that this is your fault." Blaise spoke softly before kissing Ron heatedly.

That's exactly what your boyfriend wants right now; making out on his hospital bed right after being raped! All you need to do now is schedule a bubble bath later on and everything will be just as before!

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Ron at first didn't respond to the kiss but then slowly began to kiss back. Soon the kiss was as searing as fire.

That is to say, their faces began to blister and flake away as their nerve endings singed, leaving them unable to feel a thing.

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Blaise's lips pressed hard yet at a gentle pace causing Ron's lips to quickly become swollen. After five minutes and some light tongue action the kiss ended. Ron and Blaise panted hard as they rested their foreheads against each other. Harry smiled at his friends and coughed lightly to gain their attention.

How long has Harry been awake and watching them? I understand allowing your friends a moment to kiss without interrupting them, but five minutes is WAY beyond that.

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Both lovers blushed and turned to look at Harry. Harry smirked before saying,

"Well it would seem that you are feeling better."

"Mhm… Just a little bit Harry. Blaise here was doing a fabulous job of keeping my mind off the pain between my legs and up my back side." Ron responded as he snuggled into Blaise's embrace.

I might need a SNUGGLE COUNTER.

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"I hope you know that you scared the shit out of all of us. Severus nearly had a seizure because he was terrified about your health.

Snape: known for his concern for the health of Gryffindors.

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Oh don't look at me like that Ron; Severus actually does care for ninety percent of the student body. The ten percent he doesn't like are the dunderheads, rapists, and bullies." Harry stated.

Don't forget the non-Slytherins.

And I love how Harry has to differentiate the "rapists." Are there really enough of them hanging around Hogwarts to merit their own denomination? I guess they don't fit in with the "bullies".

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"Love, do you have creature blood in you?" Blaise suddenly asked Ron curiously.

Again, I should hope that Ron has a bit of relation to SOME living being. As much as F.U.C.K.E.R. may have attempted otherwise, he appears to be at least partly organic.

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"I don't think so, why?" Ron said.

"Love, you have fox ears on your head and a fluffy tail curling around my thigh." Blaise explained amusedly.

Breaking news: Rape triggers magical transformations!

Well, a fox isn't NEARLY as bad as a... *shudder*... LEMUR.

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Harry laughed along with Blaise and Severus when Ron screamed in a very girly way.

Oh, come ON! Ron does girlily scream a FEW times, but not at something as small and harmless as some freakin' fox ears!

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Ron glared playfully at them all before throwing his pillow at Harry's head. Harry pouted as the pillow bounced off his face and into his hands. The four of them ended up having a huge pillow fight with the pillows from various unoccupied beds.

Oh yeah, and why are there no other patients in the hospital wing? It is now my headcanon that someone is there waiting for their skin to heal after spilling potion on themselves (that's why Snape happened to be here, by the way; he was just on his way out after escorting his student), and now they're sitting there, very annoyed and somewhat put out that they weren't invited to join in the pillow fight.

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After twenty minutes of fighting with pillows the room was covered in feathers. Blaise and Ron curled up together on the bed as they giggled at the mess. Voldemort walked into the room and his eyes widened. So many feathers…

Oh, COME ON! You CANNOT just bring VOLDEMORT into the room so nonchalantly!

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"What the hell is going on here?" Voldemort demanded loudly.

THANK. YOU. VOLDEMORT!

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Everyone stopped moving and turned to look at Voldemort. Suddenly Harry came out of the feather wonderland and attacked Voldemort. Voldemort caught Harry in his arms easily. Harry let out a small giggle before he snuggled deeply into the lithe chest.

Just imagine this. No, wait, you don't have to. Here:


There you go.

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Severus sat on the floor amongst the feathers sadly. He knew that he would most likely be forever alone because of his personality

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so he simply closed his eyes and began counting quietly. One…Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten…Thirty…Thirty one…Thirty two…Thirty three…

Um, I think your counting may be a little off there, Severus.

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"Severus!?" Voldemort shouted.

Severus' eyes snapped open before he asked, "What milord?"

And that's where the chapter ends. I wish I were joking. Well, I'll see you guys next time.










There, now. Shoo, shoo.











Oh, alright, Harry got one, so it's only fair:

I would read Fantastic Mr. Ron. In fact I think someone should write it, and he gets to trick the people who've been acting like his friends but are really assholes who hate gingers.

LEMUR EARS? Suethor is a furry? I lost it at this, literally dying. So having sex means you grow animal...parts? I don't even...and Voldemort eating cookie dough. This has to be a troll, please. PLEASE. Good luck sporking this though; I thought you had given up.

and what's with the bubble bath references? Another MST'd fic I probably have not yet read.

Kakashifan727 wrote:

and what's with the bubble bath references? Another MST'd fic I probably have not yet read.

It's from one of my less successful sporkings, Walking on Glass. In it, Harry is brutally beaten and raped by Uncle Vernon his whole life, then runs away. Draco kind of adopts him, and Harry's lifelong trauma is relinquished by a single bubble bath.