Miami police kill naked man who bit off victim's face

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Police in Miami are investigating a brutal attack that led an armed officer to shoot dead a naked man who had bitten off the face of another naked man leaving him in critical condition.

This sounds like something out of a bad smutfic.

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"I told him to get off and the guy just kept eating the other guy," witness Larry Vega told the WSVN-Fox 7 station...

Cue wanking from clueless homophobes everywhere.

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...describing it as something out of a horror movie with "blood all over the place."

Coming soon to a theater near you. The guy biting the other guy will turn out to be a vampire.

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Television footage showed the two men sprawled on the sidewalk side by side, with the victim barely conscious and covered in blood with up to 75 percent of his face ripped off.

A chimpanzee did that to a woman once. I wonder if this guy is unusually hairy and likes to knuckle walk.

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Police said an overdose of a powerful new form of LSD could have prompted the attack.

Say no to drugs, kids! They'll turn you into a flesh-eating zombie!

Why haven't we turned Florida into a massive state-sized insane asylum? It would create jobs (You'd need to have a lot of guards for a Florida-sized asylum, I think), lower nationwide crime, get rid of the religious fucktards, and probably help the economy some (provided it doesn't turn into a massive money-sink that could ultimately cripple the economy any more than it already is).

IT'S THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!1!

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Police were called to the store just before 6 o'clock because a customer was fighting with two employees. When they got to Lowe's they found Christopher Newman fighting with two men who worked at the store.

Witnesses tell police the suspect threatened to cut the victims with a knife and he also bit both of them on the arm during a fight, causing them to bleed

They're infected now, SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD!1!!

The only hope we have against this apparent flesh starved, brain dead, white trash horde of undead is to throw the women and children at them then run screaming to Canada. Zombies don't like the cold and they hate crappy beer.

But what if they like Curling?

Man, the line that really got me from this was from the Miami Herald, when they were interviewing the random dude who ran and got a cop.

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Vega said he found a police officer, who approached and told the attacker to get off the man.
“The guy just stood, his head up like that, with pieces of flesh in his mouth,” Vega said. “And he growled.”

And he continued to eat the guy's face even after being shot. He kept chewing away until he was shot to death.

USA Today wrote:

"He had his face eaten down to his goatee. The forehead was just bone. No nose, no mouth," said Sgt. Armando Aguilar, president of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police.

This really does seem like the week of bizarre and bloody crimes.

Also in Florida, a man was pulled over for speeding. He appeared to be drunk and subsequently failed a sobriety test. He turned out to be a Dr. Zachard Bird. It was probably just alcohol, but since he's an anesthesiologist, he has access to alllll kinds of fun stuff.

He had $40,000 in his pockets, plus a gun and another $18,000 in his car. Once he was put into the back of the patrol car, he fucking lost his shit. He whacked his face against the partition until blood was streaming down his face, kicked the door open, then spit blood into the officer's eyes. sauce

Then we have another cannibalistic crime. A woman in San Antonio murdered her 3 week old son, then ate parts of the body, apparently because Satan told her to.

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Sanchez ate part of the newborn's brain and bit off three of his toes before stabbing herself twice.

Sauce

Another mother, this one in Mexico:

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A 5-year-old Mexican boy whose eyes were allegedly gouged out by his mother as part of a drug-fueled ritual "to save the world" is expected to live, but has been left completely blind, health authorities said Friday... Several adults were at the home reciting a prayer, and had apparently been fasting because "the world was going to end," said Nezahualcoyotl assistant police Chief Samuel Cuevas Monroy, quoting the boy's grandmother. The mother, identified as Maria del Carmen Rios, 28, reportedly told the boy to close his eyes and when he refused, she decided to gouge them out "to clean them."

Sauce

And then the other one that I find particularly creepy was in New Jersey.

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Wayne Carter, a 43-year-old Hackensack man was rushed to a hospital on Sunday after he allegedly disemboweled himself in front of police, then threw parts of his intestines and skin at them.

Sauce

They're reporting now that they think the guy might have been high on "bath salts."

For those not hip to the world of "Will This Get Me High", someone somewhere along the line realized that smoking bath salts give you a meth-like high. Of course, since real bath salts have all sorts of not safe for human consumption chemicals in them, enterprising young chemists started coming up with "safe" formulations of bath salt-like material that can be smoked. (Note the quotes)

But of course, since the government can't do a blanket ban on bath salts without zapping actual bath salts, it's become a game of "Gov'mt bans salt formula, drug makers alter the formula just enough to make it legal again, rinse, repeat."

The real reason the government bans the stuff is that no one really knows what "salts" will do to your brain. This might be Exibit A under "Noting Good."

Exhibit A: These bath salts will allow you to become a super human flesh eating zombie, that only dies to being shot. fire will NOT work, and should not be attempted to be used due to flying firey man-hugs of death which will rip your face off.

rae wrote:

This really does seem like the week of bizarre and bloody crimes.

There's the understatement of the year. These news stories make Criminal Minds look like Romper Room.

Oh look. So it's starting on the east coast, huh?

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Have crowbar, will wander.

The CDC has denied a zombie outbreak. Conspiracy theorists may now shit themselves in terror.

god all that biting and people instantly go to zombies

whatever happened to werewolves

I think they all moved to Argentina.

Cyberwulf wrote:

god all that biting and people instantly go to zombies

whatever happened to werewolves

Don't you know? Werewolves are teh sexxy now! They all look like Taylor Lautner!

Coincidentally, there's an article on Cracked pertaining to this.

Cyberwulf wrote:

god all that biting and people instantly go to zombies

whatever happened to werewolves

Werewolves only bite when in wolf form, and when in wolf form, they can only be killed by silver bullets.

This man was killed, while biting a guy, with regular bullets. [/humorless]

no wait wait

the face-eating guy was actually suffering from clinical lycanthropy

my god i'm a fucking genius

Cyberwulf wrote:

no wait wait

the face-eating guy was actually suffering from clinical lycanthropy

my god i'm a fucking genius

And this relates to him being high on bath salts, how?

Cyberwulf wrote:

no wait wait

the face-eating guy was actually suffering from clinical lycanthropy

my god i'm a fucking genius

Impossible, he didn't try to marry a toddler

yeah yeah cyber's got it :-)

and bath salts are a government conspiracy :-)

and, yeah, I'm totally crazy. :-)

Footage of the victim. WARNING:- NOT WORK SAFE.
Really is shocking.
Linky again NSFW.

Poor, poor man.

UPDATE: As if this story wasn't weird enough: Toxicology reports showed only trace amounts of marijuana in Rudy Eugene's system. No "bath salts", no acid, no PCP. Nothing that would (reasonably) explain someone going apeshit like that.

So it still lends reason to fence off Florida and turn it into a state-wide asylum. Stuff the state with crazies and let them run rampant.