Squad Broken? More like HADOUKEN MY WRISTS AND SHORYUKEN MY EYES.

You only live once, so kill yourself before it begins to hurt. This here story is actually broken into several chapters, only heaping on the mounds of corpses created in meatspace. One amusing thing to keep in mind while reading this is that it's rated T for teen, and T rated stories don't normally contain graphic sex. And so begins our march into the mouth of hell.

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Warhammer isn't mine, etc.

Holy Heffalumps, was this chick too excited to even introduce it with a proper author's note, or even mention that it is one? This is only the barbed and envenomed tip of this iceberg, which is not really an iceberg, but a physical manifestation of every dead African child soldier's vengeful necrofury.

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As soon as he heard one of his comrades scream "SQUAD BROKEN!", Eduardo the Space Marine knew that he was doomed.

Wanna know how you're already doomed? YOU TITLE DROPPED WAY TOO EARLY IN THE STORY.

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He charged forth in a panic, firing his plasma gun wildly into the air. Somehow the orks had surrounded them!

Because Orks can't fly, I assume, and being terrestrial warriors, shooting in the sky was a surefire way to hit absolutely zero of them.

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Eduardo's teammates ran shrieking into the depths of the abandoned tanker, the grunting lustful orks in swift pursuit. Soon Eduardo was alone.

Poor Eduardo, his squad is made of a buncha pussies. I guess with a little prodding by a massive gathering of orks, they were easily broken... Like a hym—

NOPE. NOPE. Not gonna go there... not today...

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The brawny Space Marine collapsed against a wall, panting raggedly. His plasma gun had nearly overheated, and his com units were malfunctioning. No use even if they worked. By now, his whole squad was surely dead.

Lost in his thoughts, Eduardo did not hear the ork creeping up on him.

Confucius Say: When surrounded by orks, one should not be lost in thought, but instead formulate an escape/battle plan.

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Stunned by a blow to the head, Eduardo was thrown violently to the floor. The ork grunted in amusement, bending down and straddling his body. Dazed, Eduardo turned his head to look up at his enemy. The ork fellow was huge, well muscled and even attractive for his species.

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You really don't wanna see one of the ugly ones!

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Right now the ork's vibrant green skin was flushing dark in arousal. Eduardo whimpered as he realized what was about to happen.

I would call it a lemon, but Orks are green, so I'll go with lime.

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Summoning up his powers as a Blood Angel, Eduardo bellowed in the Black Rage and began to flail about under the ork. The ork simply grunting, riding the panicked Space Marine like a rodeo bull. Already weakened, Eduardo simply did not have the strength to dislodge the much heavier ork.

Now I know absolute dick about Warhammer 40K, but I have to call straight pussy status if you're a blood angel and can't fend off ONE DAMN ORK.

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All that thrashing around served to arouse the ork further.

Take it away, Wordsworth.

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His name was Gurk, and the friction as the puny Marine

Wasn't he brawny before? Fuck it, we'll just do it live.

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flopped around between his muscular thighs was giving him quite a respectable hard-on. Gurk had meant to save the Marine for his own squad, but he couldn't wait any longer. Whipping out his own plasma gun, Gurk seared off the back of the Marine's armor, leaving his shining buttocks bare to the ork's lustful gaze.

If the first thing you thought was "I bet the author's just using a crude innuendo" before realizing he actually was using a gun, then congrats, you have officially been broken by fanfiction.

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Eduardo moaned in fear, his virgin asscheeks clapping firmly together to deny the ork entrance. Gurk simply laughed, ripping off his crude orkish loincloth to reveal a thick green meat pole, nearly 12 inches long.

Must be a runt.

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The ork stuck one calloused finger down his throat, bringing up a thick vomit slurry which spattered down into the crack of Eduardo's ass. Smearing the foul vomit around with one brutish paw, Gurk prepared the Space Marine's tender anus for playtime.

Notice the lack of agency on Eduardo's part here. The implications here are unfortunate to say the very least.

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Much to Gurk's frustration, his cock was simply too large to fit inside Eduardo's tight man cunt. He grunted furiously, screaming "!" in his deep orkish voice as he battered his fuckmeat against Eduardo's tightly sealed pleasure ring.

A veritable storm of coital patois, if I do say so myself. A respectable gathering of colloquialisms regarding intercourse.

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Suddenly the Space Marine's portal gave way, and the swollen head of Gurk's cock popped through into the forbidden halls of his anus. Gurk's pleased snort was drowned out by Eduardo's scream of agony.

The ork began to pump away in earnest, his bulging muscular hips and thighs slamming brutally against Eduardo's ass. His heavy, furry balls slapped against the human's ass merrily, creating a calypso that pleased Gurk mightily.

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Sounds about right.

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Blood, a thin smear of feces, and Gurk's own oily yellow pre-cum lubricated Eduardo's asshole until it was as hot and slippery as Gurk's own mother's cunt.

I hate myself for finding the fact that Gurk's pre-cum is yellow and oily to be the most disgusting part of this sentence.

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Poor Eduardo was swiftly going into shock from the pain. His mind growing dim, he screamed "SQUAD BROKEN! SQUAD BROKEN!" over and over as the ork thrust brutally into his bruised insides.

Is "squad broken" the equivalent of a rape whistle in war-torn universes?

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The ork's massive cock had caused a large degree of internal damage, and Eduardo was close to passing out from blood loss and fear.If his squad didn't find him soon, Eduardo knew that he would soon die. His poor plasma gun discharged into the floor one final time, overheating from a mix of pleasure and agonizing pain.

Does plasma gun mean penis this time, or can the gun somehow feel the same thing as its owner? As an English/Linguistics major, I'm angrier at the clumsy writing than the traditional Rape Begins To Feel Good trope.

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The Space Marine had been a good fuck for Gurk, but he needed something special to truly finish. Gurk's heavy balls drew up close to his body, and he felt himself tensing, about to cum. As Gurk's thick semen roiled up out of his cock and into Eduardo's battered body, the ork slammed his powerful hands shut around the Marine's neck. With a vicious jerk up and back, the ork crushed the Marine's windpipe and vertebrae, swiftly ending his life. Eduardo's anus clamped shut around Gurk's cock, the painful tightness almost causing the ork to pass out.

And Gurk is one of the more gentle Ork lovers.

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Gurk roared out as he climaxed in the dead Marine, his beautiful green cock pumping load after load of thick ork jizzum into Eduardo's lower intestine. The ork pulled out as Eduardo's anus slowly relaxed, releasing Gurk's cock with a wet sucking sound. Gurk used the sleeve of the Marine's uniform to wipe the thick scum of blood, shit and cum from his swiftly withering ork meat. With a satisfied grunt, Gurk walked slowly away from the Marine.

Another job well done by the Minneapolis Mosh Police!

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Eduardo's corpse lay cooling on the floor of the tanker, the charred remnants of his uniform stained dark with the foul fluids of both the ork and himself.

Squad broken.

Sadly, this is not the end, but merely the first of a trilogy. More abysmal torment to come soon, my pretties.

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Eduardo the Space Marine

Is that like Dora the Explorer? Daffy the Duck? Bob the Builder? Is that train of thought what you were going for, author?

SeanyGenovese wrote:

If the first thing you thought was "I bet the author's just using a crude innuendo" before realizing he actually was using a gun, then congrats, you have officially been broken by fanfiction.

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I hate myself for finding the fact that Gurk's pre-cum is yellow and oily to be the most disgusting part of this sentence.

With you on that, though... I'd like to propose a challenge wherein people try to list as many yellow and oily foods as they can think of, to make sure I never eat again. I've been wanting to lose more weight >.>

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the ork crushed the Marine's windpipe and vertebrae, swiftly ending his life. Eduardo's anus clamped shut

Okay, so, anyone with first-hand experience on the matter is welcome to correct me, but- snapping someone's neck kills them instantly. Like, bam, lights out. Where the hell does the "clamp shut" command come from? Because it sure ain't the brain anymore.

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Eduardo's anus slowly relaxed

The whole point about having to relax, for sexual purposes or otherwise, is that all our muscles are, at all times, tensed a tiny bit (some more than others). This is due to "unconscious nerve impulses". The guy is dead, what the hell is keeping his muscle tension going in the first place?


Awful find (and I mean that in the best way possible), good snark, where's the link?

grmblfjx wrote:

Where the hell does the "clamp shut" command come from? Because it sure ain't the brain anymore.

Yeah, also not a doctor or anything, but I could have sworn the opposite thing happened to your anus when you died.

SeanyGenovese wrote:

He charged forth in a panic, firing his plasma gun wildly into the air. Somehow the orks had surrounded them!

And then he remembered that he was a space marine - an astartes warrior, genetically modified to be an eight foot tall muscle bound killing machine, decked from head to toe in power armour. He did not fear death, and he certainly did not panic in the face of danger.

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Eduardo's teammates ran shrieking into the depths of the abandoned tanker, the grunting lustful orks in swift pursuit. Soon Eduardo was alone.

Oh...sorry. For a minute then, I thought this story was about space marines.

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Lost in his thoughts, Eduardo did not hear the ork creeping up on him.

Because orks are known for their stealth and subtlety. They don't simply depend on size, brute force and sheer numbers to win battles...oh wait, yes they do!

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Summoning up his powers as a Blood Angel, Eduardo bellowed in the Black Rage and began to flail about under the ork. The ork simply grunting, riding the panicked Space Marine like a rodeo bull.

That's why it didn't work...he's using the wrong ability. It's the Red Thirst!

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Whipping out his own plasma gun, Gurk seared off the back of the Marine's armor, leaving his shining buttocks bare to the ork's lustful gaze.

And then it overheated and blew up - because that's what happens when you fire a large concentrated burst from a plasma gun!

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He grunted furiously, screaming "!" in his deep orkish voice...

He screamed "!"? How do you scream a grammatical mark?

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As Gurk's thick semen roiled up out of his cock and into Eduardo's battered body, the ork slammed his powerful hands shut around the Marine's neck. With a vicious jerk up and back, the ork crushed the Marine's windpipe and vertebrae, swiftly ending his life.

I'd just like to point out here that space marines are big. Very big. Almost as big as orks, in fact. He would not be so helpless against it!

Also, I should point out that "squad broken!" is NOT a common saying that space marines habitually yell when they are routed. In fact, I have never come across that phrase anywhere outside the RTS game Dawn of War (which uses such alerts to notify you of the fact that one of your squads has been broken). Why would they even yell that? It makes no sense!

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I'd like to propose a challenge wherein people try to list as many yellow and oily foods as they can think of, to make sure I never eat again.

Olive oil? Mustard? Custard? Banana flavour yoghurt/milkshake? ;-D

Behold.

Well from what I can gather from your responses, either Mangogirl is more twisted than we could fathom or she knows less about a franchise than I do, which shouldn't be possible if she took the time to write a fic about it. The depravity is deep on this one.

So we left off with a charming ork named Gurk killing Eduardo the Space Marine as easily as a drunken father would their unsuspecting month old child, and it only gets weirder from there. Since the second chapter's rather short and chapter three isn't much longer, I'll just finish it up. For America.

Chapter 2: Regrets

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Ever since meeting the handsome space marine, Gurk had been feeling decidedly un-Orkish.

Once again, my lack of WH 40K knowledge may be a hindrance, but do Orks normally rape and kill everything they meet? Stupid question, I know, orks/orcs are brutes in any fantasy setting aren't they? Moving on.

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He often found himself writing poetry and weeping black salty tears.

Cum Yellow, Cry Black, the new smash single from Gurk.

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Much to the dismay of his fellow Ork fellows, Gurk even began to wear mascara. A lesser Ork would have been torn to pieces for showing such weakness, but Gurk's extraordinary horniness and sorrow lent him the strength of a dozen Orks. Still he sulked, thinking regretfully of his too-brief encounter with Eduardo.

Gurk had never known the meaning of regret, but the fact that he had killed his lover tore at his oozing black heart. It was only now, some time after the act, that Gurk realized his only chance at happiness had died along with Eduardo.

This is where the Trollfic alarm usually sounds, but really, could a troll put this much effort into headfucking you? Normally trolls try to at least make it funny, but this is just draining. Though the idea of an Ork viewing his discarded fucktoy as an ideal lover just warms my cold soul.

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Orks weren't supposed to be capable of love, but emotion had finally begun to flower in the garden of Gurk's withered breast. And it had all begun with the sight of a young man's pale buttocks, gleaming coldly in the starlight...

Gurk wept himself to sleep every night.

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The horror here is Lovecraftian!

Chapter 3: Romance Blossoms

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For weeks now, the foul magic of the Necrons had clouded his mind. When they reanimated him with their life-giving skelecum, he couldn't even remember his name. He had vague memories of fighting and dying, but he had no idea of who he had been in that other life. The newly-risen Necron didn't even know what he had looked like.

Way to establish context. I'm completely following this.

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Also, skelecum? I'm sure the author's having a laugh at anyone who actually took a few seconds to wonder how a skeleton can cum. And someone get our poor hero a mirror!

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The awakening of the young Necron had unexpected consequences. Unfortunately for the Necron Lords, their experiment was doomed to failure.

"I knew we shouldn't have skipped the animal testing phase."

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The nameless one had been risen too quickly. As the Necron magics brought his soul back to his body, they also quickly undid the damage, leaving him perfect.

And this is why you don't put faith before reason.

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He was no shambling skeleton, but a fully-fleshed human being. To all appearances, the fellow was human. Black magics had given him a second life without turning him into a mindless zombie soldier.

It wasn't long before the traces of undead magic vanished even from Eduardo's mind.

Someone get Marty Stu on the line, Mary's out sick.

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He was on a nameless planet, hunting Orks through the wilderness and dispatching them. The Necrons had destroyed the main Ork force here and the green-skinned survivors were left to fumble their way through the woods. Escape was futile. Eduardo knew this. He and his Necron masters would destroy the last of the Orks and claim this planet in the name of Death.

Slow your roll, Mango, when did Eduardo get all his stuff back? When did he start hunting Orks again? Is he teaming up with the Necrons? Will we ever know who shot JR? Does anyone my age even watch that show? why did I reference it if I myself haven't watched it and never plan to? So many unanswered questions.

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When the burly Ork fellow Eduardo had been hunting burst from the trees, the scales began to fall away from Eduardo's eyes and heart. Literally. The silvery flakes of Necrodermis which had fouled his humanity rotted and flaked away from him.

I THOUGHT THE EXPERIMENT FAILED. AM I MISSING SOMETHING!?

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His heart began to pump with the sweet-sour juices of love. Love is stronger than death, so they say. Eduardo's love was.

Well ain't that touching, maybe someday I'll learn to love someone who attacked me too. Except they didn't exactly succeed in killing me, so maybe we could just fool around for a few months.

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The Ork, for it was indeed Eduardo's swarthy lover, fell to his knees with a howl of anguish. Surely Eduardo must be a ghost! As Gurk babbled his apologies and wept for Eduardo's forgiveness, the Space Marine fellow knelt and embraced Gurk in his strong magical arms. The two fellows clung together in a massive pile of man-brawn and sweet tears. Their relationship had been forged out of violence, but the love that blossomed in their hearts was true.

The gay community's credibility has nothing to do with this story, yet I'm sure that it's taken a massive hit regardless. MangoGirl's taking the rainbow back for crazy people.

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As the Ork and human held each other, the heat of their bodies merged and began to intensify. Eduardo and Gurk felt strange stirrings at their groins, and grinned at each other lustily. Eduardo shoved Gurk back onto the ground, ripping at the Ork's loincloth with his supernaturally strong fingers. "I forgive you for killing me, Gurk," he breathed, "But this time I get to be on top!"

I hope to Pazuzu that means Eduardo's gonna use his super zombie powers to necrorape Gurk to death. And then maybe he'll turn his sights to me, and do the same because I actually read this putrid triptych of human sickness.

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Once again, my lack of WH 40K knowledge may be a hindrance, but do Orks normally rape and kill everything they meet?

Kill, yes. Rape...not to my knowledge.

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He often found himself writing poetry and weeping black salty tears.

No. Just no.

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A lesser Ork would have been torn to pieces for showing such weakness, but Gurk's extraordinary horniness and sorrow lent him the strength of a dozen Orks.

How would that even work?? Why am I even asking that question anymore?

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the fact that he had killed his lover tore at his oozing black heart.

Lover? When did this happen? I thought he raped and killed someone, where does love come into this?

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When they reanimated him with their life-giving skelecum...

No! No! Just no! The necrons do NOT re-animate people by jerking off over them!! I'm not even sure they re-animate people at all, I thought they were made in their great pyramids.

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The newly-risen Necron didn't even know what he had looked like.

Which is normal, considering necrons are mindless zombie-like creatures.

Oh, and here's what you look like now:

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The nameless one had been risen too quickly. As the Necron magics brought his soul back to his body, they also quickly undid the damage, leaving him perfect.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

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He was no shambling skeleton, but a fully-fleshed human being. To all appearances, the fellow was human. Black magics had given him a second life without turning him into a mindless zombie soldier.

How in god's name did they do that?

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When the burly Ork fellow Eduardo had been hunting burst from the trees, the scales began to fall away from Eduardo's eyes and heart. Literally. The silvery flakes of Necrodermis which had fouled his humanity rotted and flaked away from him.

Wait, so the necrons somehow encased his rotting corpse in their endoskeleton-like structure, which perfectly preserved him?

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His heart began to pump with the sweet-sour juices of love. Love is stronger than death, so they say. Eduardo's love was.

Again, where is the love? Where was the connection, the conversation, the return of affection? The only conversation I remember is "squad broken!" and "!". How does raping someone while yelling punctuation at them, then murdering them, constitute love? I don't think I'll ever understand Fanfiction logic.

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The Ork, for it was indeed Eduardo's swarthy lover, fell to his knees with a howl of anguish. Surely Eduardo must be a ghost! As Gurk babbled his apologies and wept for Eduardo's forgiveness, the Space Marine fellow knelt and embraced Gurk in his strong magical arms. The two fellows clung together in a massive pile of man-brawn and sweet tears. Their relationship had been forged out of violence, but the love that blossomed in their hearts was true.

Oh my god. I think I'm going to be sick. 'massive pile of man-brawn'? 'sweet tears'? 'relationship forged out of violence'?

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Eduardo shoved Gurk back onto the ground, ripping at the Ork's loincloth with his supernaturally strong fingers.

Is there any point in mentioning that orks do actually wear armour, not loincloths, or will that be redundant at this point?

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"I forgive you for killing me, Gurk," he breathed, "But this time I get to be on top!"

Again, this is probably redundant, but when did the ork tell Eduardo his name?

Cunovendus wrote:

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Once again, my lack of WH 40K knowledge may be a hindrance, but do Orks normally rape and kill everything they meet?

Kill, yes. Rape...not to my knowledge.

My 40k lore is a little rusty but... Well... Orks don't have penises... Or females. They don't have sexes. They're effectively a fungus - they breed by budding. Fully formed adult Orks just pop right up out of the ground. This is why their armies can replenish so quick and why their spaceships are so shit. Ork ships are designed more for blunt-force trauma planetfall rather than, say, an Imperial Settlement Drop. Once an Ork is on a planet - there'll be an army there soon after - The ship only needs to keep one ork alive - and provide scrap metal to make armour and weapons out of.

So... Orks cannot rape in the strict sense of the word - They are capable of sexual assault, of course... buuuuuut They would have no reason to. There is literally nothing in their physiology or mentality to make them even aware of what this sort of thing is.

WD40 wrote:

So... Orks cannot rape in the strict sense of the word - They are capable of sexual assault, of course... buuuuuut They would have no reason to. There is literally nothing in their physiology or mentality to make them even aware of what this sort of thing is.

Plus, don't they get bigger as they get older with some of the oldest orks being bigger than entire planets? how would that even work in a rape-fic.

WD40 wrote:

My 40k lore is a little rusty but... Well... Orks don't have penises... Or females. They don't have sexes. They're effectively a fungus - they breed by budding.

Ah, that makes sense.

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So... Orks cannot rape in the strict sense of the word - They are capable of sexual assault, of course... buuuuuut They would have no reason to. There is literally nothing in their physiology or mentality to make them even aware of what this sort of thing is.

Obviously you don't know the power of twu wub! This Gurk was clearly struggling with the conflict within himself - the part that wanted to be an ork, and the part that wanted to experience love - which manifested itself as a violent sexual assault. Having realised that he had crossed the line, and gone against everything his species stands for, he was forced to deal with the situation in the only way he knew how: by killing the person in a display of manliness, to re-assert his masculinity. Clearly, if the space marine is dead, and nobody ever knows, he can pretend it never happened, right? Of course, he didn't realise just how strong his newly developed emotions were, and found himself struggling to come to terms with his new identity; on the outside he's a violent, rampaging brute, but on the inside he's a soft, deeply emotional being of sentient energy. This led to him continuing to do what orks do, while at the same time wearing make-up (god only knows where he got it from!) and writing poetry (apparently ork grunts are now able to write). Come on, it's simple logic! Everyone knows that all rapists are, deep down, complete softies who are merely struggling with their feminine side and trying to re-assert their masculinity in the face of conflicting emotions...

And another thing...

Cunovendus wrote:

I'd just like to point out here that space marines are big. Very big. Almost as big as orks, in fact. He would not be so helpless against it!

They're beyond just "big". Physically they are fucked up. Like Rob Liefield on crack fucked up. Like this level fucked up. I remember an old poster who used to love his/her supermuscled nazi dominatrixes? That level fucked up. Hell, you could make the argument that their armour does more than protect them, but has a fair bit to do with holding them upright.

And beyond that... I'm pretty sure they're impotent. Space Marines don't have sex either, who the fuck could they even have sex with? No, instead they have special dudes in white armour called Apothecaries. These guys know first aid and stuff but their main purpose is to flit about the place, finding dead space marines and collecting their "gene-seed" - basically a blood sample.

This "gene seed" is then injected into some poor weedy teenager to turn him into a space marine.

And by "injected" I mean hypodermic injected, so you can't even stretch a metaphor there. (Well, I suppose you could - but you shouldn't, and I don't want to hear it.)

SeanyGenovese wrote:

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His name was Gurk, and the friction as the puny Marine

TIME OUT

Wasn't he brawny before? Fuck it, we'll just do it live.

Maybe the author mistook this for Super Mario for a moment.

SeanyGenovese wrote:

This is where the Trollfic alarm usually sounds, but really, could a troll put this much effort into headfucking you?

Yes.

And not all trolls are funny. If this is a troll fic, it wouldn't be the most unfunny thing I've seen.

Space Marines don't have sex; the whole drive was removed because it is unnecessary when making a 9-foot-tall killing machine. The only way Space Marines can "reproduce" is the process WD40 mentioned.

In case you're wondering.

WD40 wrote:

Hell, you could make the argument that their armour does more than protect them, but has a fair bit to do with holding them upright.

Well, according to the books, they are capable of not only standing upright, but training - even sparring - without their combat armour. But...yeah, they are pretty ridiculously big. If you want an idea of how big these guys are, take the biggest bodybuilder you've ever seen, and imagine him being 8 feet tall, with the same relative proportions, and you'll come close.

Also, IIRC, there is a pretty big chance that the body won't be able to cope with the injection, and the poor sod will die as a result of it. Hence, deciding to become a space marine is not a decision to be taken lightly. The resulting person is brave beyond brave (we're talking "will willingly walk into a hail of bullets to protect the emperor" brave), and tough beyond tough. Having one whimper at the thought of being arse-raped by an ork pretty much beggars belief. The fact that any kind of feeling will develop from it is even more farfetched, and indicates that the author either hates space marines, or knows nothing about them. Or is a troll, and is merely trying to piss 40k fans (especially Blood Angel players) off.

It's not just an injection, it's a whole series of implants. And you only get them AFTER you've killed all the other 12-year-olds who've competed against you for a shot at being a Space Marine. That is, if your trial is combat against each other rather than reaching the base after a ridiculously dangerous journey.

Cunovendus wrote:

Olive oil? Mustard? Custard? Banana flavour yoghurt/milkshake? ;-D

Ah, yes, thank you. Made me nauseous all over again.

WD40 wrote:

I remember an old poster who used to love his/her supermuscled nazi dominatrixes?

Vilecorp.


e: Unironically my favorite drawing of his.

Are we talking about Viley?

I fucking loved that guy he needs to come back.

The more I look at this fic, the more I suspect that Mangogirl wrote the first chapter herself, then told someone else she was writing a story where an Ork has sex with and accidentally kills space marine, and then that person decided to take the liberty of hacking Mango's account and finishing where she left off with no further knowledge of what actually went down. This is unhealthy.

Lurv wrote:

SeanyGenovese wrote:

This is where the Trollfic alarm usually sounds, but really, could a troll put this much effort into headfucking you?

Yes.

And not all trolls are funny. If this is a troll fic, it wouldn't be the most unfunny thing I've seen.

I think the two falling in love in the cheeziest possible way is a pretty great punchline to the joke that was the first chapter.