This is my first sporking for this site, and my first post overall. Let's see whether or not it was a bad idea.
I chose this one because it is much better than the first Royal Rescue, simple as that. Edited a teensy bit so I'm not sporking every single line.
- Quote :
- It was morning eve when Prince Harry was on his floating fortress in the Ocean.
Floating not in the vacuum of space but in proper nouned water? I fail to see how that works!
- Quote :
- He was doing duty of serving country of England steering ships and flying the planes. "Set sail for land ho." Said Prince Harry to his men with seamanship.
As Prince Harry was ordering soldiers messenger came with news of urgency.
Note how everything is done "with" something. The sooner you get over this, the sooner you can move on to getting a job and raising a family.
- Quote :
- "Prince Harry I have tragic news your brother has been defeated by manly force." Said the messenger with panic.
"What is your nonsense?" Cried out Prince Harry with flabbergasting words
"Well to start, you just yelled a lot of nonsense at me, and I am flabbergasted as a result." the soldiers said with responses.
- Quote :
- "It is truth see for yourself." Said the messenger as he put VHS tape on VCR for watching.
The Video tape showed recording of Prince Williams ending moments by Garfield's fists of fury. It showed Prince William crashing into Big Ben creating explosion of maximum impact.
I like how someone just so happened to be watching and filming when Garfield turned Prince William into a human pudding. Those journalists are getting to be inescapable in this age!
- Quote :
- "NOOOOO." Cried out Prince Harry in saddness anger.
Prince Harry sat in silence body and souls filled with grief and rage. He trembled like sea envious of the oceans and shook like angry babys rattle.
"GAAAARFIELD." Cried out Prince Harry with fists to the sky.
The video continued and showed Garfield taking Kate Middleton in manly arms and making sweet royal love. As Prince Harry saw Garfield romance his brother's woman like he could only dream his temperature raised with angry heat. His fist clenched shattering champagne glass and his eyes burning with fire.
I have a feeling that Garfield may have participated in one of the awesomest porn-with-plot stories in history and this is all a huge misunderstanding.
- Quote :
- "No man or cat crosses my family. I will get my revenge sweeter than fresh river salmon." Prince Harry declared to world.
Sweeter than... river salmon? When fish are known to be salty?
...I have no mouth and I must scream.
- Quote :
- Meanwhile in Middleton house Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton were having girl talk.
"Kate Middleton what is matter you look in the dumpster?" Pippa Middleton Asked Kate Middleton with concern.
I have a feeling that the author crashed Babelfish's servers translating back and forth from Russian to English.
- Quote :
- "I can not stop thinking about my one true man." Kate Middleton sighed with sorrow as she looked at picture of Garfield in manly pose.
This is a cat. Who eats lasagna. And sleeps. All the damn time. I have no doubt in my mind as to that being the absolute manliest thing anyone can do without beer and sports being involved. Aside from y'know, not being a CAT.
- Quote :
- "This problem my dear sister is you are fallen in love." Said Pippa Middleton with caring.
"Yes but Garfield could not stay for a Tiger can not be tamed and a real man can never be leashed." Kate Middleton said with truth.
While Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton were speaking their womens words figure from the shadows wooshed in with sudden wicketry.
When all else fails, bust out a neologism?
- Quote :
- "Haha You foolish women. You have betrayed my family line and the time for vengeance is at hand." Cackled the figure with evil.
"PRINCE HARRY?" Cried out Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton in unison.
"Yes the one and only however I am not the man I was before but a new man reborn from fires of vengeance with only mission to revenge my brother." Said Prince Harry with madness.
"You are after GAFIELD!" Cried out Kate Middleton in shock.
This is indeed a field of gaffes.
- Quote :
- "This is right and you will be the bait to my lure. Time for Capture!" Said Prince Harry as he launched cages at Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton.
"NOOOO." Cried out Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton as they were ensnared with imprisonment.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA." Laughed Prince Harry with madman laughing as he took his imprisoned ladies to lair for trap setting.
Every good villainous lair has imprisoned ladies and er.. traps for setting. Yes.
- Quote :
- Meanwhile elsewheres in a moonlit night Garfield was cruisin in his Red Corvette with lasagna license plate in the Big City.
I hear those expire quicker than normal plates. Being made of food and all.
- Quote :
- His wind was blowing in air
Lasagna makes the best of us gassy, no need to be ashamed!
- Quote :
- with coolness as he was taking in sights and sounds. Garfield was wearing his shades and had his radio on for jamming to cool tunes with hot beats.
"This is big city life." Garfield said to himself while cruising.
"Up next is Mega hit smash song "Love is Lasagna" by Garfield which is topping all charts." Said the Radio DJ with rhythm and blues.
"One of my favorites." Said Garfield as he turned on radio to max volume and looked in mirror admiring his rugged handsomeness.
So Garfield is a narcissist. I have a feeling that he's more of a villain than the author is letting on. Literary genius at work here!
- Quote :
- Song begun with smooth sexy saxophone intro followed by rippin roaring guitar riffs and then led to Garfield's manly singing voice coming from radio.
"Oh Babe when I see your eyes
It is making my pants rise
The feeling is out of control
From my lovin there is no parole
Love Is Lasagna
Food that is Feeding my soul
Love Is Lasagna
It is not no casserole
Oh Babe I am at the end of my ropes
I want to taste your sweet cantaloupes
Your body is buffet of desire
In bedroom I will never tire
Love is Lasagna
We will be melting like Mozzarella cheese
Love is Lasagna
My appetite only you can appease
Oh babe you are delicious like lasagna feast
I will devour your body whole like beast
Lonely Man Walking Lonely Path Alone
Now we are together all night we will moan
Love is Lasagna
One serving is never enough
Love is Lasagna
You are knowing I like it rough
Love is Lasagna
Soft and gooey give me one more slice
Love is Lasagna
I will be taking you to paradise"
Now it may just be me, but I have a hard time imagining any voice other than Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas.
- Quote :
- "What good singer." Garfield said with approving as he puffed on lasagna cigarette.
If they actually came out with something like that, consider me a smoker.
- Quote :
- After awesome rockin song radio news person came on to deliver message of urgency.
"Extra Extra This just in. Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton have disappeared and have gone into missing. Will real man please find them?" Announced Radio News Man with urgency.
"Or a cat. Anyone who's capable of doing it, really, we don't care."
- Quote :
- "Time for investigations. I just know just where to go." Garfield said as he put his foot on gas for speeding to local English pub. Garfield drove to local English pub with speed of wheeled serpent for drink and information.
Wheeled serpents are probably trains or something and the author hasn't figured that out yet.
- Quote :
- "I am going to fill up my whistle." Garfield said as he entered pub for refreshment.
Manliness comes with the willingness to brazenly abuse idioms.
- Quote :
- After receiving drink Garfield sipped beer with relaxed coolness taking in his surrounding. Garfield knew when living life of the hero there was danger all around. Garfield saw in tavern a pool table with pool playing happening. Garfield approached pool table with strut of confidence and saw fools playing with their pool.
"Hello Fellows mind if I join for quick game?" Asked Garfield as he took pool stick.
"Yes Garfield we have 90 gallons of lasagna for betting but you will never win." Said bar hooligan with challenge.
Challenging someone to a bet for a great quantity of something they love more than anything is the most foolhardy thing one can do aside from bringing 90 gallons of anything to a bar and expecting not to lose it.
- Quote :
- "You will eat those words as I will eat my newly won lasagna." Said Garfield taking pool stick with firm grip and approaching table for playing. Garfield swung the pool stick and played the pool and got a grand slam strike winning all the jackpot.
"Looks like I got a hole in one." Said Garfield with sly smile.
I'm not entirely certain what game Garfield is playing, but he just sunk my Battleship when Simon said Yahtzee!
- Quote :
- "Damn you Garfield I have bet all of my life savings!"
You DID bet all your life savings, and you LOST them. Let's not turn back time. And if there's a way to be paid in lasagna, I'd opt for that if reeeally hungry.
- Quote :
- Said Bar hooligan with anger as he rushed Garfield with pool stick for hitting. "Seems you have also bet all of your life." Quipped Garfield as he did flying spin kick on rushing hooligan sending him flying. The Hooligan landed into Jukebox turning it on for playing of funkabilly rock and roll music for bar rumbling action. With beat thumping bar brawling music playing group of bar hooligans soon began surrounding Garfield for bar brawl bash.
SUPERRRRR SMASHHHH BROTHERRRRRS... GAAAARRFIIIIIIIEEEEEEEELD.
- Quote :
- "You have insulted your last offense! We will gut you like goat!" Intimidated Bar hooligan with anger.
"You fools are gluttons for pain but do not be of worry for I am the buffet and it is all you can eat!" Garfield said with taunting hand motion to bar hooligans.
I missed the Garfield comic strip where he goes to the Chuck Lee Chan Diesel School Of Kicking Ass.
- Quote :
- "Buffet this!"
...THAT IS NOT A COMEBACK, NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO INTERPRET IT! AAAH. Then again, guys who carry their life savings around to random dive bars probably aren't the brightest.
- Quote :
- Shouted one hooligan as he took bottle and broke it on table. The hooligan then rushed Garfield for stabbing but Garfield dodged broken bottle with ease and grabbed hooligan and lifted him above head.
"You look sweaty here take a dip." Garfield said as he body slammed hooligan on pool table.
"That is what I am calling a pool party." Garfield quipped with cleverness.
After clever quips Garfield saw hooligan rushing from behind. Garfield twirled like ferriswheel and thrust pool stick into hooligan with impaling make blood spurt like Yellowstone geyser.
"You are too stuck up." Said Garfield with wittiness as he pulled out pool stick from hooligan body.
Garfield saw across bar hooligan thug taking out handgun for shooting but Garfield did not beat a sweat and threw pool stick at thug with aerodynamics making it go through thug and stick him on the dartboard.
"You got a bullseye your prize is first class ticket to hell." Garfield said with congratulations. After thug sticking Garfield then approached Hooligan ring leader to finish was has been started the way a real man does.
"Garfield please do not hurt me I am sorry." Cried the hooligan ring leader with begging.
Garfield ignored pathetic pleas and grabbed the hooligan ring leader by the neck and dragged him to the bar counter.
"You are looking worried. Why not drown your sorrows in drink?" Garfield asked has he shoved hooligan leader under beer tap and forced his mouth onto it.
"Drink up it is happy hour." Garfield said he as he turned on tap to max.
"URGLEGURGLE" Gurgled the Hooligan ringleader as his mouth filled with alcohol making him choke. Soon his head was filling to brim with alcohol blowing up like blowfish. His head then exploded into bits.
"I guess the drink went right to his head." Garfield joked with hilarity.
CAN'T... STOP... THE CLIMAX!!!!!!! There was too much badass packed into those sentences for any mortal man to contain or succinctly comment on.
- Quote :
- "Bravo you fight like fiery dragon." Said voice with impressment.
Then out of shadows came figure dressed in bar maid dress with sultry walking. It was Sarah Ferguson!
Yeah, real plot twist. So Sarah decides to allow herself to be "interrogated" by Garfield's penis.
- Quote :
- "I am going to bask you like thanksgiving turkey and stuff you." Garfield said with sexiness.
Quantum reality has broken down. So Prince Harry is being evil, blahblah. Let's get back to the moment of "truth", and by "truth" I mean multiple orgasms.
- Quote :
- Meanwhile in Sarah Ferguson's bedroom, Sarah Ferguson was recovering from intense love making which was like thunderstorm in her body. Garfield was not tired at all.
I imagine he had himself a lasagna cig or two.
- Quote :
- "Garfield my body is exhausted with pleasure." Said Sarah Ferguson with catching breath.
"Yes but enough fun time. Now it is time to give me the information I need." Garfield demanded with sternness.
"Very well Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton are kept in Prince Harry's castle of Dread and Agony in land of Wales." Said Sarah Ferguson with information.
"Of course." Garfield said with revelation.
"But now that I have told you this truth I must die in flames of glory. Farewells to you Garfield my one true man." Said Sarah Ferguson revealing explosion vest and pressing button on it.
I have a feeling she feels quite bad after having sex with a CAT who is more manly than actual human adult males. Am I the only one who feels that's a rational explanation?
- Quote :
- "No." Said Garfield with protest.
Manly declaration, or is he just feigning interest?
- Quote :
- "Time to be one with explosion." Said Sarah Ferguson as she exploded. As Sarah Ferguson exploded Garfield jumped out of window for escaping.
"You are now explosion but you will always be woman to me." Said Garfield with remembrance.
I don't think someone necessarily stops being a human after dying, nor absorbs the characteristics of their cause of death. Also, remembrance... doesn't that happen later? I'm just nitpicking.
- Quote :
- Garfield then hopped into his Red Corvette to drive to Prince Harry's castle of Fear and Sorrow where ladies were being held for captive.
I THOUGHT IT WAS ON THE FUCKING OCEAN! CONSISTENCY DAMMIT!
- Quote :
- "Apples do not fall far from eachother and these apples are rotten in their cores." Garfield said with philosophy as he drove on to rescue.
Only roadblock to philosophy is the fact that I'm assuming most apples on the same tree are relatively close... being on the same tree.
- Quote :
- After driving Garfield came upon Prince Harry's castle of Misery and Shame. Garfield wasted no time and rammed through front door with his Red Corvette smashing through with ease.
"This is the delivery man I have first class package of fist ready to be delivered to your face." Garfield roared as he hopped out of his Red Corvette.
As Garfield explored castle guards came for attacking but they were no challenge to the man.
"Go home and buy kittens to dress up." Garfield said as he tore through guards like lawnmower through warm cheese.
That simile is something I wish to adopt into my store of online responses to internet fight challenges.
- Quote :
- Soon after exploring Garfield came to empty room filled with more lasagna than eye can see.
"Now this is treasure of one of kind taste." Garfield said as he prepared himself for feasting.
Garfield ate and ate the lasagna. While there was more lasagna to feed continents of armies Garfield ate it all like real man with no problem. When he was done though sudden feelings of strangeness overcame him.
"I am feeling like windmill." Garfield said as he saw world spinning around him.
Because real men eat poisoned bait without hesitation!
- Quote :
- Garfield then fell down deep into slumber. In his dreams he had nightmares of beautiful babes being kidnapped and he could not save them. As he woke he found himself chained to stone. He was at Stonehenge chained to stone! The chains were made of adamantium and magic and there enough chains to hold 40 speeding trains and 80 rampaging elephants.
To those who saw "adamantium" and hoped the X-Men would get involved, sadly that doesn't happen. Also, I'd like to see the strength tests performed on the chains to find out those exact qualifications...
- Quote :
- Surrounding Garfield were wicked druids. Drum beats were being played and in the distance he saw Prince Harry in chariot of bones and blood being pulled by flaming hell steeds.
This story just got METAL, AS, FUCK.
So Harry commands the druids to whip Garfield nonstop, and surprise surprise,
Marty Stu Garfield is unharmed due to the shields of manliness and valor working in concert to keep him perpetually hardened and warlike. At some point, I would switch to another torture method, but that's just me.
- Quote :
- Hours and days went by with whipping but Garfield did not show sign of fatigue or tiredness. His face full of masculine stoicism he showed no pain.
A-HAH! So Garfield is slightly injured! Probably only took 1 HP from 9999 with the highest DEF possible, but it's progress damn you!
- Quote :
- "IMPOSSIBLE. No man can take such abuse!" Cried out Prince Harry in disbelief.
"Puny whips make no dents in my body of iron." Garfield said with cool confidence.
"Very well it is about time to be ending this show with encore. The Grand finale is your death. Prepare the lava!" Ordered Prince Harry to his druids.
Did it take so long to get the lava because it takes a long time to come through the mail or is Harry a little slow in coming up with new ways to hurt demigods?
- Quote :
- Druids brought out large pot of lava with skulls be poured on Garfield but suddenly familiar voice was heard by all.
"AMAKOOOOOOOO."
It was Jon Arbuckle on the hillside with hair blowing in wind and sun blazing behind him! Jon Arbuckle took out his flaming lasagna electric guitar and started playing cords of power. The rockin metal began giving power to Garfield muscles recharging them with rock. The power of metal ran through Garfield's massive muscles and he broke free of chains with ease.
Lava full of skulls? Guitar solos, massive muscles? BREAKIN' THE CHAINS!? This story IS metal as fuck. Dokken and the 80s commends you, ShakespeareHemingway.
- Quote :
- "The metal of your chains is no match for the metal in my veins." Garfield said with rock and roll.
"Get him you fools!" Ordered Prince Harry to is druid minions.
Druid whipmaster ran to Garfield with his whip for attacking but Garfield grabbed his arms.
"Give me helping hand." Quipped Garfield as he tore off the Druid Whipmasters arms off and made a nunchacku out of them.
I'm betting the chain is pure spirit energy.
- Quote :
- "Now I am ARMED and DANGEROUS." Garfield said wielding arm nunchaku with ferocity.
Steven Seagal is watching and learning.
- Quote :
- Garfield plowed through druid army with his arm nunchaku as Jon Arbuckle shredded his guitar with awesome playing. As Garfield smashed druids to bits of druid goo Prince Harry began ranning to escape.
"Do not be running from the fate of justice you insect." Said Garfield as he pursued with chasing.
Garfield followed Prince Harry into cave leading to underground tunnels. Inside there was vast underground maze but Garfield kept on the chase like squid on the hunt. Soon Garfield came on underground area with waterfall. On walls were Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton chained in imprisonment. Prince Harry was waiting there for final battle.
"GARFIELD!" Cried out Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton in unison.
"Silence you she women!" Yelled Prince Harry in anger.
Indeed, silence you XX chromosome owning females!
- Quote :
- "No need for worrying my captive cuties the man is here for rescue." Garfield consoled worried women.
"We will be seeing this. Garfield now we will settle this score. I challenge you to one on one manly fighting." Prince Harry challenged with audaciousness as he tore off his shirt to reveal English Rose tattoo.
"I accept your challenges." Garfield said with studdly braveness as he tore off shirt showcasing massive manly muscles and a tattoo on his back of lasagna breathing dragon.
One time I was a blueberry pancake breathing dragon, but that was only because I drank way too much whiskey one night.
- Quote :
- Garfield and Prince Harry Circled eachother preparing fists of fighting. Prince Harry rushed with flurries of fists and kicks but Garfield blocked them all with his hurricane like reflexes.
I feel like he copy pasted a Dragon Ball Z fic and simply swapped out Goku and Vegeta's names for this part.
- Quote :
- "Your blows are like wet noodles to my muscles of concrete." Garfield said with dismissal.
"Silence!" Said Prince Harry with crying as he continued to kick Garfield with out effects.
Ever since AutoTune came out, fighting has just gotten so cheap.
- Quote :
- "It is my turn. Time to make your face match your hair."
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]I think it already does.
- Quote :
- "Garfield my heart is bursting with the vengeance and hatred my soul is consumed with darkness you must end the misery of my life." Prince Harry said as one tear of blood ran down cheek.
"So be it. My fist delivers mercy as well as justice. Feel my mercy!" Garfield said as he reared fist and punched Prince Harry in the heart. Garfields punch caused blood to burst out of every pore in princely body and eyes to pop out until his body bursted into explosion of blood.
I feel really bad for the janitor on duty that day.
- Quote :
- After defeating of Prince Harry Garfield went to free Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton from chains.
"Thank you Garfield I knew you would come for us." Kate Middleton said embracing him.
"Sister do not be hogging up this man meal for I want tasty bite." Said Pippa Middleton as she rushed to also embrace Garfield.
"Okay, but only one. You can't just get cat meat any time you want."
- Quote :
- "Do not be fighting ladies there is more man meat here to keep you ladies filled." Garfield said with reassurance.
At which point Garfield introduces his traveling troupe of well-hung studs.
- Quote :
- "I am looking for two loaves of woman for my lady sandwich. Are you two chickies game?" Garfield asked with flirting as he put his arms around Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton.
Notice how Garfield is probably still bloodied from the last battle. Would a courtesy wash kill ya?
- Quote :
- "Yes Garfield we give you sisterly pleasure." Said Pippa Middleton as they went to bedroom for lovemaking. Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton then took off their clothes showing supple bodies and approached Garfield for pleasuring.
"Hey sexy sisters you should kiss eachother for my viewing pleasure." Garfield suggested with excellent idea.
"Anything you want Garfield." Said Kate Middleton as she kissed Pippa Middleton with mouth full of passion.
WINCEST!
- Quote :
- Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton kissed eachother and made eachother out with passion and force rubbing eachother all over. As sisters pleasured eachother Garfield watched with approval eyes as he smoked lasagna cigarette.
Er... you know what, I dare not question this, but normally one smokes AFTER the act. Maybe he's catching up for lost post-coital smokes since he forgot to after boning miss Ferguson?
- Quote :
- "Very good you ladies put on good show but now it is time for main event." Garfield said as he leaped into pleasure pile to make loving to Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton. Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton lay down as Garfield crawled on them like sexual salamander licking their bodies with tongue of love. He then thrust into their bodies with manly force of galactic proportions. As nights came into evenings they made love like bees make honey sweet gooey and full of nutrition.
Yeah, that'll really turn the audiences on, a metaphor about BEES. BEEEEEEES. A CHAINSAW. MADE OF BEES. OF GALACTIC PROPORTIONS.
And thus concludes my first fic sporking. Feel free to kill me.
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