My boyfriend is a night elf warlock and kidnaps me, YAY!

Yo people. I'm an oldtimer but I haven't contributed much through the years. This, though? Hooboy.

About six million people play World of Warcraft. That's a lot of OCs for the fanfictions. More than half the time, the characters in WoW
fic hardly even interact with canon characters, for better or worse.

I posted this on an LJ community the other day (in a slightly altered form), but put it under Members Only since it's a fic that's being updated right now and I find that author rages are more bothersome than amusing most of the time. Now, this thing is an epic case of, well, everything that's wrong with bad romance and bad fanfiction. While still being grammatically correct and such.

We've got a Mary Sue who's the sister of a canon character, and gets kidnapped by a wicked wicked, uh, old friend or something of said canon character. Very unpleasant "romance" follows. Yehaaw!

Oh yeah, and the villain is based on the author's boyfriend's character. Since the main char is a Mary Sue, I'd assume this is her daydreaming about said boyfriend acting like this. Considering what happens here, that's... disturbing to say the least.

(Well, it's still better than that Warcraft/Naruto crossover with such stellar lines as "Then the Orcs started mixing with the humans and Dwarfs, followed soon after by the Tauren and the elves, the Forsaken [Nevvy: the Undead] never entered this mix and no one knows why.")

Right then. It starts with a summary, of course.

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Alcmene, the sister of Prince Kael, is taken prisoner by his old acquaintance Amathan, a powerful Night Elf warlock. What will unfold as Kael attempts to rescue her from harms way? Will she remain proud or succumb to her master's will? M for adult sits

...

Sorry, I had to right my slack jaw there. I mean, it's... beautiful. You don't see summaries like this often. It's so packed that it has my lore fanatic side howling.

I mean, right off the bat we have immediate Sue point for being the non-existant relative of a canon character (because yes, that's Kael'THAS). Second, we have lore implausibilities with him having been pals with a nelf, something that never would have happened for various reasons (prime being that the nelves were climbing in trees like gay monkeys on another continent for the last ten thousand years, and belves and elves not exactly having a good history). Also this nelf has managed to take on a class that he'd be strung up and quartered by his own kind for even studying.

(For those who aren't into WoW, night elves practice druidism and abhors demons and arcane magic. Blood elves (which prince Kael'thas is one of) are addicted to magic and munch on demonic energies to satiate their hunger since their original source of it, the Sunwell, was destroyed by the undead Scourge.)

And then there's that last question. Oh dear, this just can't be good. Are we smelling bondage? Master/slave "romantic" rape/pseudo-rape? Time will tell. (Future Nevvy: The answer is yes. Sortof. I dunno, I got to the middle of the third chapter and couldn't go on.)

Let me go off tangent for a sec and express how sick and tired I am of those kinds of questions in blurbs anywhere - because the answer is ALWAYS the same. "Will they find love or will their social class/family war/pet mandrils keep them apart?" There's no use posing the question, when it comes down to it.

Anyway. We've got a random relative going to get her pretty princess ass kidnapped and tapped by a wicked ol' purple treehugger. Hooray!

But first, a word from the author.

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This
is my first WoW story, so I am sorry if any of the Lore is a little off. PLEASE no flames. I did a lot of research, but I know slip ups happen! Obviously this never happened nor did Kael really have a sister (that I know of) but that's why its FanFICTION. lol

Oh, the old fanFICTION excuse. Haven't seen that in a while. I'll give her credit for admitting that this couldn't happen. Minus points for the "lol", though, so we're still talking zero points. Let's move on.

Psst. His name is Kael'thas, by the way.

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I am also aware that in the game, Night Elves cannot be warlocks. But for the sake of my story....pretend. Thanks =)

Okay, so then... why does he need to be a nelf? Or a warlock? Can't he be a random demon-munching pink-skinned elf instead of a random sleepy tree-hugging purple one?

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Amathan- my boyfriend's character, although in the game he is an Orc, not Night Elf, but I changed it with his permission for the story.

Again, WHY does he need to be a nelf? Loathe as I am to say it, an (evil) orc acting like this would actually be more realistic. Rrrgh.

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As the young sister of the esteemed Prince Kael’thas Sunstrider, Alcmene was sheltered beyond imagine. Since she had been a small girl, her very existence and identity had been kept secret.

No kidding. I have to admit, point for giving some shadow of plausibility to why nobody's ever heard about her.

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Kael had received and declined several offers for her hand in marriage, though the authors never knew to whom they were truly addressing.

Pick your favorite!
Joke 1: Freudian slip there, author person?
Joke 2: Kael'thas being a woman should be more surprising than this...

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Though she was a fair maiden now, she was treated more like an infant. [...] Kael had recently allowed her to begin training whichever class she desired. She had chosen the ways of a paladin, believing it to be her calling.

Must be difficult to get into all that plate armor while wearing diapers, though.

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Kael wrote to her often, sometimes sending flight paths or routes being taken by nearby Alliance forces.

Is he packaging flight paths (that does take skill that demands respect) or is he sending letters THROUGH flight paths?

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The letter warned of a possible Night Elf attack on the city, which Jahnin promptly dismissed

All I can say is at the moment from the first chapter is "Come on! Bubble and hearth. You'll make it to the inn down in the Forsaken City!"

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Let me go off tangent for a sec and express how sick and tired I am of those kinds of questions in blurbs anywhere - because the answer is ALWAYS the same. "Will they find love or will their social class/family war/pet mandrils keep them apart?" There's no use posing the question, when it comes down to it.

You know, every time I see that, I'm always tempted to write some epic love story for some popular ship with a question like that in the summary, gather as many readers as I can, and then at the very end have the characters break up or say "rocks fell and everyone died. The End"

I mean, how hilarious would that be?

That will be the best ending ever!

The reaction with the readers will be a complete riot though.

It's not quite as bad as "Which girl will Harry choose? Harry/Hermione" I'm not kidding, I've seen summaries just like that.

Narwhal wrote:

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Let me go off tangent for a sec and express how sick and tired I am of those kinds of questions in blurbs anywhere - because the answer is ALWAYS the same. "Will they find love or will their social class/family war/pet mandrils keep them apart?" There's no use posing the question, when it comes down to it.

You know, every time I see that, I'm always tempted to write some epic love story for some popular ship with a question like that in the summary, gather as many readers as I can, and then at the very end have the characters break up or say "rocks fell and everyone died. The End"

I mean, how hilarious would that be?

DOOOOO EEEEEEEEETTT!!

Anyone else imagining Mr. T saying, "He's a Night Elf Warlock!" when they saw the title? Just me?


If she had to make him something Alliance, she could've simply gone with a human. [Or a gnome. Now that would have been almost interesting.]

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Obviously this never happened nor did Kael really have a sister (that I know of) but that's why its FanFICTION. lol

As opposed to the amazing true-life story of the World of Warcraft canon?

Alcmene is really really really close to the name of my night elf hunter. :/

You didn't just take the name and put in accents or an umlaut or something in it, did you?

Narwhal wrote:

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Let me go off tangent for a sec and express how sick and tired I am of those kinds of questions in blurbs anywhere - because the answer is ALWAYS the same. "Will they find love or will their social class/family war/pet mandrils keep them apart?" There's no use posing the question, when it comes down to it.

You know, every time I see that, I'm always tempted to write some epic love story for some popular ship with a question like that in the summary, gather as many readers as I can, and then at the very end have the characters break up or say "rocks fell and everyone died. The End"

I mean, how hilarious would that be?

I wrote a story once where the OTP did not wind up together in the end. The readers were furious! Bawwing ensued.

"You're going to write a sequel, right?"
"That can't be the end!"
"They're supposed to end up together!"

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And it goes downhill very fast from there. Plz to not be sharing your and your boyfriend's Gorean RP with the rest of us, kk?

This x1000. Why do these authors think we have any interest in their sex lives?

Lady Anne, you win the internet for your executing a grand master plan against clichés.

In honor of Wandering Critic taking the time to write a sane review for this story, I'll disinfect my hands and give the second chapter a go.

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As the days lingered on for Alcmene, lost in her mana-deprivation
induced slumber, [...]

Mana-deprivation doesn't induce slumber. It induces a desperate hunger for arcane energies followed by, if it cannot be controlled or sated, bodily and mental degeneration into what is known as Wretched. Also it apparently instills a hatred for pants in those who suffer from it.

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[...] her brother Prince Kael’thas, Lord of the Blood Elves
continued to linger in his wary home away from home in the realm of
Outland.

Well, I suppose that standing on a crumbling piece of land floating above the Twisting Nether would make any building nervous.

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His palace was filled with pleasurable company of all sorts, as well as various “friends” from time to time

They also carried a lot of nice loot.

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He had resorted to arcane drugs, meditation, training, and women trying
to find comfort, but had not truly succeeded. Though he had given up
harmful substances,

Apparently demonic energies offered by Lord Kil'jaeden himself are perfectly harmless! Definitely won't turn you into a half-demon, grey-skinned, sunken-faced creature able to walk around with a huge crystal stuck in his chest or anything.

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his taste for fine weaponry and females had remained.

A disturbing combination. Also note it doesn't say what kind of females, which offers a lot of combinations on a world like Azeroth. Then again, I've seen pretty amusing (humorous) Kael'thas/Lady Vashj.

There's some mentioning of the two (young, it's important to notice that they're a lot younger than he is, apparently. Bleurgh) elf ladies sleeping on the bed behind him, and a brief note about Jaina breaking his heart. Oh wow. Savour the bits of lore as much as you can!

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As he was preparing to start his day calmly devoted to the service of Illidan, another servant, a runner, burst through the doors.

YOU ARE NOT PRE-
I'm sorry. I really am.

Really, I'm sure that a day devoted to serving Illidan can be described with a lot of words, but "calmly" is not what comes to mind if you ask me.

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“Sire! I have an urgent message! It’s from Darnassus!”

Prince Kaelthas, I write to inform you that there are a number of very confused and scantily clad blood elf ladies milling around Teldrassil. This is most disturbing and has us all in a state of disgusted shock. I implore you to quickly remedy this situation, lest we be forced to drive the giant spiders to hunt the girls into the ocean.
Ande'thoras-ethil
-High Priestess Tyrande Whisperwind

Noo, it's a smug letter from Amathan, of course, saying that blahblahblah, I've got your sister, gonna whore her out, come and get her, muhahaha. After reading the letter aloud...

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the servant glanced up to see his ruler the most frightened, angry, and confused he had ever been in his life.

"Why are you wasting my time - that could be spent preparing to summon Kil'jaeden and usher in the end of Azeroth - with letters about a sister I don't have?"

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“How dare that little mongrel! Years after I beat him and he still taunts me for more!

Must... not... make... man sex... joke...

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All morning, Kael organized a team of ambassadors to travel to
Darnassus on the princess’s behalf. His advisors warned against the
prince himself traveling there, as many would make attempts on his
life. It would be safer for all of them if he did not go at this
particular time.

"Next Tuesday will be fine, though, Your Highness. We've managed to aquire information from their website that Ensidia plans to raid Darnassus that evening, so if you just sneak in while all the NPCs are dead..."

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After all, Amathan had not specifically requested Kael be the one to retrieve her.

... except he did. The letter says "I hope that your excursions in the Outlands do not prevent you from fetching her."

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For reasons all his own, Amathan despised the Blood Elf race more than
any other of the Horde. Ever since he had been a boy, his father had
bred him to believe they were a subordinate species while Night Elves
were the more distinguished. He had always viewed the Blood Elves to be
magic obsessed fiends who could not control their inner desires

In short, he upholds the views of pretty much every other nelf in existence.

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They lacked the discipline necessary to persue druidism, as most of his
own people did. Amathan had been unique, like Illidan, in his pursuit
of magic similar to their lesser kind.

Which makes you better than them because...?

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After all, he was one of Malfurion Stormrage’s greatest captains and commanders, appointed Lord General some time ago.

A warlock who enjoys making use of belf whores is a Lord General of the Darnassian forces. Uh-HUH.

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Amathan had worked hard from a young age to achieve his status as such
an esteemed Night Elf, especially with his supposed and undisclosed
disadvantage…

Too bad everyone knew about said disadvantage since he kept flaunting it: that he was a warlock, thus putting him on the same level of that blind dude who they kept locked up for ten thousand years for being a traitor using demon magic...

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Alcmene held her head as she walked

What, she's an undead now?

Blahblahblah, descriptions of their clothes...

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He watched her movements and noted that she had elegance and poise, something his people generally lacked.

You're talking about people who spend their days (when they aren't battling baddies and trying to beat the crap out of orcs for stomping all over their lawn) gracefully slinking through the moon-kissed shadows of the forests while communing with nature itself, silent as a whisper of the sweet wind blowing through their ancient- OW I punched myself!

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He made slight fists under the table as his thoughts widened,
remembering he had more in common with this girl than he cared to
admit. Amathan was not ready to share that with her just yet.

Why would the Lord General EVER share something like that with a lowly prisoner he only intends to have sex with and make money off of?

He demands that she makes conversation.

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“I…I am sorry...my Lord. Forgive me, I was not sure if you desired me to speak,” she said softly.

This is BEFORE that whole "this knife is only for encouragement, now call me Master!" thing I quoted in the previous part of this. Where he, if you'll recall, instructs her to always adress him with a title and show respect for him. Something is off, here.

While still speaking meekly, she mentally concludes that she hates him, "But something about Amathan was unusual and unlike the others. Alcmene just couldn’t figure out what that could be." He's more smug and somewhat subtle in his assholery.

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“Its for the best [that you stay in your prison], I assure you. Many people come and go here and you
don’t want any more negative attention than necessary, do you?” he
asked.

Also he's obviously PROTECTING her.

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The elves who had asked for her had said they would ravish her nightly
and keep her locked in a cellar when she wasn't being used. He knew
they would beat her and treat her title as though it meant nothing as
far as their place in the Alliance rivalry against the Horde. They
would terrorize her, all the while paying him handsomely for the
opportunity. It made him slightly sick, yet he hadn't completely ruled
it out of the question if Kael decided she was not worth saving.

Amathan paused, then reached for the pills beside his glass of water. His split personality was acting up again.

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Amathan did not pride himself on being a man of force upon women, but
he also did not foresee her agreeing so readily if he simply asked or
made an attempt. Perhaps in time when her morale was lowered and her
reserve weakened, she would give in to his advances.

Slowly breaking her down mentally until her despair overcomes her is of course completely different from forcing himself upon her. He's such a gentleman.

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He wanted to see her desperate, practically begging to come spend even
five minutes with another being, preferably him. Surely it would take
some time to break her due to her race and upbringing, but he did not
rule it impossible. Not only would this be an advantage over Kael, but
a victory for his own ego.

Yeah. Gentleman. This isn't rape at all. You sure know how to stay on the higher moral ground, Amathan you sly devil you!

The messengers arrive, and Alcmene is brought to Amathan's chambers while he's still dressing. Oh brother.

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Seeing him without a shirt made her blush and she was unsure of what to
do or say. In a very unladylike display, she found herself stunned and
mouth agape. She couldn’t seem to look away from his toned and muscular
chest, as well as his bulging biceps.

She seems to like that word. Though I must say he's skilled to have a toned chest when he normally wears a robe and lives in a land of eternal night.

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“Prince Kael’thas offers a vast array of wealth for you, Sir. He sends
gold, gems, women, slaves, and is willing to negotiate trade agreements
or territorial offerings.

Oh yeah, Amathan will surely be delighted about a summer home in the Ghostlands or the Netherstorm. And also, nelves do not keep slaves.

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Several fine women of various races made up the assortment.

He especially liked the murlocs and the arakkoa.

Amathan, however, subdues his love for slime and feathers and demands Kael'thas comes and gets Alcmene himself. Because, y'know, it makes the plot longer. Also it offers up the possibility for threesome.

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“Very well, I will submit your terms to His Highness, though I can
assure you he will seek to negotiate further, as these territories are
not ideal for his safety,” he said regretfully.
“That tells me all I need to know about his character and your pathetic excuse for a race!” spat Amathan.

Yeah, him not wanting to march into the middle of an enemy capital city tells us that he's actually sane even at this point! Who knew?

Amathan lashes out at the emissaries and chases them out. Alcmene starts crying from this violent display, so he kindly sends her to her room again. So thoughtful.

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Perhaps she had angered her master and now he would no longer look upon her with the least bit of compassion.

Again, THAT SCENE is one chapter away. Why the hell is she calling him master now?

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Her tears had no effect on Amathan's decision to leave her in her room
for several days, but he planned on calling for her again eventually.
Amathan hoped his plan would make her even more receptive to his
desires. He wasn't entirely sure why, but he wanted her to want him.
Badly.

It was so much more fun to watch her squirm.

End chapter. Thank GOD.

Everything about this is schizofrenic and erratic. The logic is lost, characters don't act with much consistency, and the author is apparently so giddy to get to the knife-play that she forgets that it hasn't happened yet. I might give the third chapter a shot, but I dunno if I can stomach it.

Drabbler wrote:

You didn't just take the name and put in accents or an umlaut or something in it, did you?

Haha, I'm not that lame.