Life imitates Onion

A few years ago, the Onion did a piece about a man being arrested for acting like a romantic-comedy character: well, it turns out such behaviors get the same reaction in real life that they do in The Onion. And it's not the reaction that happens in romantic comedies.

In Dalton, Georgia, 24-year-old Jason Dean was arrested for handcuffing himself to an eighteen-year-old co-worker in the parking lot of their workplace.

The original article, linked above, claims he released her when several co-workers "talked him into letting her go". An update gives more details:

Apparently he'd been falsely claiming he was a volunteer firefighter. He'd been pursuing this woman for weeks: it had reached the point where her managers had agreed to change her shift so she could avoid him:

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The woman was leaving after her shift Monday night when Dean walked to her car and slapped a handcuff on her wrist, the report states. The other cuff was on his own arm.

The woman screamed and co-workers ran outside and tried to talk Dean into letting her go, but he said he just wanted to talk.

But when the co-workers called police, Dean uncuffed the woman and fled, the report states.

Just wanted to talk.

I can't imagine why she'd want to avoid him. After all, he's such a Nice Guy.

Nice guys. Bleah!

I wonder if this guy has spent time on Love-Shy?

Because forcibly handcuffing yourself to a woman is a surefire way to a gal's heart. Oh golly gosh, I do wish a guy did such a romantic gesture to me and lose the key in the process.

OMG, you guys! My neck of the woods made the news here and I wasn't the one who found it. I feel so...so proud! *sniffles* We can all be famous!

Actually, no. While I'm both amazed and amused at the location, on what planet was that meant to work?

maladroit_mooncalf wrote:

OMG, you guys! My neck of the woods made the news here and I wasn't the one who found it. I feel so...so proud! *sniffles* We can all be famous!

Actually, no. While I'm both amazed and amused at the location, on what planet was that meant to work?

Planet Nitwit.

Cactus Wren wrote:

I can't imagine why she'd want to avoid him. After all, he's such a Nice Guy.

Oh wow... reading through some of that stuff reminds me of a guy I knew once. =/ He eventually tried to drag me down into his depression spiral with him.

But yeah, handcuffing someone to "talk"? He couldn't have just asked "can we talk?", and if she said no, moved on?

Lady Anne wrote:

maladroit_mooncalf wrote:

OMG, you guys! My neck of the woods made the news here and I wasn't the one who found it. I feel so...so proud! *sniffles* We can all be famous!

Actually, no. While I'm both amazed and amused at the location, on what planet was that meant to work?

Planet Nitwit.

That is an insult to nitwits.

You mean real life DOESN'T work like romantic comedies?

Lady Anne wrote:

I wonder if this guy has spent time on Love-Shy?

Not likely. This man left his basement.

Lady Anne wrote:

maladroit_mooncalf wrote:

OMG, you guys! My neck of the woods made the news here and I wasn't the one who found it. I feel so...so proud! *sniffles* We can all be famous!

Actually, no. While I'm both amazed and amused at the location, on what planet was that meant to work?

Planet Nitwit.

Spotts1701 wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

maladroit_mooncalf wrote:

OMG, you guys! My neck of the woods made the news here and I wasn't the one who found it. I feel so...so proud! *sniffles* We can all be famous!

Actually, no. While I'm both amazed and amused at the location, on what planet was that meant to work?

Planet Nitwit.

That is an insult to nitwits.

KJM wrote:

You mean real life DOESN'T work like romantic comedies?

ITT: Everyone acts like Chris91

Wow. And he looks so cute too; you wouldn't think it of him. It just goes to show you can never tell.

I think... that the guy didn't mean any harm, but many stalkers don't, except then they get worse and worse and sometimes something goes horribly wrong. Ironically it's only the worst cases that hit the news, but this sounds like it could have escalated.

It sounds like the romantic rival Polian would probably have been the first victim...

The guy definitely needs therapy, to differentiate between real life and fantasy. All in all I'm not surprised the woman was scared as things got more and more out of control.

Quote :

Wow. And he looks so cute too; you wouldn't think it of him.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Are we looking at the same mugshot?

Hrm, the guy does look kind of like a hyena, so I guess I see where you're coming from now...

Yes, because attractive men / people should get away with more...

oh god harley please stop typing please stop please stop please stop

Oh Wulfie, just look away. It makes for an easier life if you just look somewhere else when she's talking.

(Turns her head to the side)

He does kind of look like a hyena.

He looks like a nobody character from 24 that Jack Bauer wouldn't even have to punch.

Raine wrote:

But yeah, handcuffing someone to "talk"? He couldn't have just asked "can we talk?", and if she said no, moved on?

He probably did ask, and ask, and ask, and ask again, before he pulled out the handcuffs. To him, "talking" means convincing her to say yes even if he had to resort to illegal and abusive means; he would not take no for an answer. My guess is this guy's got serious mental problems to boot, in addition to being a plain old loser.

Goddammit, I wasn't talking about the 24-year-old Jason Dean who has a face like a kicked dog (I'm not that desperate), I was talking about The Onion's crazy article on the guy who was in the romantic comedy behaviour article. Jesus christ, do you think I'm blind as well as stupid?

Can't help but notice that you ignored every other part of my post too, you know like when I mentioned Polian from the Onion article... Which probably means you agree with me on that but just wanted to get at me for the little confusion.

I'm afraid a lot of Onion stuff is pretty convincing (just like when I act like an idiot). There ought to be a rule against linking to it, especially when I'm tired and not paying attention.

But see, this is what stalkers do; they start off as lonely guys who get it into their heads after a quick conversation with a girl that she's in love with them, and then try, and try again, and try and try and try some more, their measures becoming gradually more weird, until the response is either the one they want (which it almost never is), or they totally lose it and do something that gets the cops' attention.

And if they don't get stopped and get some therapy, they end up as those very, very highly publicised guys who stalk then kill, then the papers go around and ask why the police didn't do anything.

In this case, the woman was pretty lucky it didn't get further than her being handcuffed. I just hope she can be sorted out too; being stalked can range from uncomfortable to really terrifying, depending on how far the stalker gets. Women sometimes need some post-traumatic therapy to get over these things.

All stalkers have mental problems, or they wouldn't be going about things the way they are.

And attractive people do get away with more, in case nobody had noticed.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Goddammit, I wasn't talking about the 24-year-old Jason Dean who has a face like a kicked dog (I'm not that desperate), I was talking about The Onion's crazy article on the guy who was in the romantic comedy behaviour article. Jesus christ, do you think I'm blind as well as stupid?

Can't help but notice that you ignored every other part of my post too, you know like when I mentioned Polian from the Onion article... Which probably means you agree with me on that but just wanted to get at me for the little confusion.

I'm afraid a lot of Onion stuff is pretty convincing (just like when I act like an idiot). There ought to be a rule against linking to it, especially when I'm tired and not paying attention.

Harley, there were nine posts, NINE, between the OP that mentioned the Onion article, and your post. Any normal person would have made it very clear that they were back-referring to the OP and not to what everyone else was talking about. Also, you've made sufficient moronic posts in the past for us to believe just about anything of you.

The moral of this story is: Harley, think before you post, then don't post.

Really, Dixie? Let's take a look at some of those deep, insightful posts that I should be paying attention to...

Quote :

Nice guys. Bleah!

Quote :

I wonder if this guy has spent time on Love-Shy?

Quote :

Because forcibly handcuffing yourself to a woman is a surefire way to a gal's heart. Oh golly gosh, I do wish a guy did such a romantic gesture to me and lose the key in the process.

Quote :

OMG, you guys! My neck of the woods made the news here and I wasn't the one who found it. I feel so...so proud! *sniffles* We can all be famous!

Actually, no. While I'm both amazed and amused at the location, on what planet was that meant to work?

Seriously, Dixie. What kind of supposedly intelligent person refers back to posts like that as if they're worth making a comment on?

Lady Anne wrote:

maladroit_mooncalf wrote:

OMG, you guys! My neck of the woods made the news here and I wasn't the one who found it. I feel so...so proud! *sniffles* We can all be famous!

Actually, no. While I'm both amazed and amused at the location, on what planet was that meant to work?

Planet Nitwit.

Ooops! My bad! What insightful one-lined responses! I should have paid more attention to them instead of ignoring them altogether!

Each one of those "deep, insightful" posts were referring to the actual, real news, Jason Dean story, not the made-up, fake and not real in the slightest Onion story.

And when did I say anything about you paying attention to the other posts, or how deep and insightful they were? All I said was that there were several posts before yours THAT DID NOT REFER TO THE ONION STORY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM.

Reading comprehension = a good idea.

Hey, I said I was tired, and Mr Dean has a face like a kicked dog. And nobody paid any attention to my post when working out who I was talking about. This is stupid. I can say a dozen things in one post but the only part anybody pays attention to is where I called somebody cute, they insult me over that and they're not even thinking of the right person.

Or something.

Harley, please, just quit while you're ahead.

Quote :

oddammit, I wasn't talking about the 24-year-old Jason Dean who has a face like a kicked dog (I'm not that desperate), I was talking about The Onion's crazy article on the guy who was in the romantic comedy behaviour article. Jesus christ, do you think I'm blind as well as stupid?

Harley, are you actually trying to get us to take you seriously?

Us?

You?

Ha.

Ha ha.

Ha.