Celebrian, or why none of us like the color lavender

Celebrian, perhaps the most infamous of all, requires immense willpower to get through. Sure, anyone can read something like

Quote :

She fell to her knees. The great cock loomed before her, twisted and
gnarled with its warts, bumps and pulsing veins except for the taut, smooth
knob. It was beautiful. Rough and smooth, round and long. Oh, so long.
She felt a pang in her loins, a desire to bury the rod in her loins. But
the curiosity of her mouth won out.

or

Quote :

"Cock-sucker, knob-licker, semen-drinker," she said gaining speed. "I
am a whore, a bitch who begs the least drop from a cock without parallel.
I want to taste the root of your shaft. I want to fill my mouth with your
bulb. I am cock-worshipper, ball-holder, sucker of my king’s salty gifts.
I wish to drink every drop in your cock. Feel your great seed fill my mouth,
spill down my face and on to my unworthy boobs. I am the cock-whore, the
ball-queen, the seed-drinker. The world is my lord the orc king’s great
rod. It fills my sight; may it fill my body."

but it takes a real pro to get through 21k words of rape by goblins, orcs, and wargs.

Dammit do I have to read this thing every time we move?

I'll be off ice cream and apples for months.

Trivia wrote:

Dammit do I have to read this thing every time we move?

I'll be off ice cream and apples for months.

You could just know you've already read it and skip the whole mess. 'S what I do (except I never read it to start with, but that's another story).

Trivia wrote:

Dammit do I have to read this thing every time we move?

I'll be off ice cream and apples for months.

It's why I never re-read it. I'm hoping that my notoriously poor memory will eventually scrub away the traces.

Not to mention that I like apples (and sex) and want to be able to eat them (and have it).

Trivia wrote:

Dammit do I have to read this thing every time we move?

I'll be off ice cream and apples for months.

Be glad I'm not posting "Cloud mows the lawn."

This story is impossible to finish. Not because it's awful but because I just can't fucking concentrate on it. I probably spent a good half hour staring at the monitor and daydreaming before remembering, multiple times, that I was supposed to be reading something.

I dunno... I wasn't really affected by this, I don't think. I agree with Sloth, it was mostly just kind of boring... not very erotic, a little gross in places, but not exactly awful. I suppose it depends on where your squicks lie.

'Cloud Mows The Lawn', however... :suspect:

I've always loved the end of Celebrian. Not just because I've spent an hour crawling through repetitive rape scenes broken up by a bit of ice cream, but because it's pretty much "and they all lived happily ever after". Gives it a delightfully twisted fairy-tale edge.

I once hosted a quasi-seminar at my university Tolkien society about bad fanfiction, where I played one of the audios of "Legolas by Laura" and introduced it as the second worst Tolkien fanfic of all time. Then I mentioned that the worst of all was called "Celebrian" and people shouldn't Google it. Needless to say, someone did, right then and there (on a phone). I wish I'd had a camera so I could have taken a reaction video of everyone reading it.

Ah, the power of reverse psychology. Tell someone not to do something, and it's the first thing they have to do.

Ain't it the truth.

I maintain my stance. It's not that it's so disgusting, but it goes ON AND ON. And it's so BORING. How can torture, S&M and ll that other crap be so irreocably BORING? Half the time I don't even go 'ew'. I just look at the scroll bar and think, "What? Not even halfway through? GOD!"

Actually, "Celebrian" is more like the work of Satan.

I think the answer is no, but does anyone have a name for the author?

Fairlight wrote:

I think the answer is no, but does anyone have a name for the author?

The author's name is Stark, a onetime Grey Archive staple.

Would that be "Stark" as in "Stark raving mad"?

Chris91 wrote:

Would that be "Stark" as in "Stark raving mad"?

Took the words out of my mouth, Chris.

The premise was squicky and I certainly became hesitant about eating ice cream after reading it, but it never quite freaked me out; maybe because it was just so long and the writer ran out of shit to do to her. There's only so many times you can shove massive orc cocks up an elf's ass before it gets boring.

NastyHobbitses wrote:

The premise was squicky and I certainly became hesitant about eating ice cream after reading it, but it never quite freaked me out; maybe because it was just so long and the writer ran out of shit to do to her. There's only so many times you can shove massive orc cocks up an elf's ass before it gets boring.

I tried MSTing the thing four times before finally giving up. I still have an unfinished riff with Gandalf, Elrond, Haldir, Celeborn, and Galadriel saved somewhere where they're all having a laugh at Elrond's expense. The problem is, the thing's so repetitive that even if you can come up with good cheap shots, your patience will be taxed beyond endurance and your punchlines will be exhausted very early on. It's impossible to effectively parody.

You could just end the MSTing partway through the fic with everyone giving up in disgust and leaving. I've posted MSTings of chapters of fics and not finished the entire thing before.

Keith Fraser wrote:

You could just end the MSTing partway through the fic with everyone giving up in disgust and leaving....

You might be on to something.

$elebrian is brilliant actually you're all too much of $heep$ to see the genius.

El Gotho wrote:

$elebrian is brilliant actually you're all too much of $heep$ to see the genius.

It does take a certain genius to make a story that scales such heights of magnetic awfulness. Usually stuff that sucks this much just turns you away. This is like a car crash you can't look away from.