Lovely Spam, Wonderful Spam

Sometimes they creep through your filters, hoping that some poor sap is waiting for a cryptic solicitation for Asian porn or breast enlargements. Most of the time these hawkers post nothing but walls of lines of nonsensical lines of text, but if you're lucky you may hear from one of thousands of downtrodden Nigerian princes WHO NEED YOU VERY KINDLY TO PUTTING FIVE MILLION DOLORS TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

I opened up an old Hotmail account I had in high school that had an embarrassingly dorky handle. It was probably because of that handle that I finally received the kind of spam I've been wishing to get since I first discovered it: the random strings of filter-busting phrases that sound like dadaist epic poetry.

From Glendower Fay:

Quote :

-IRRI and JHIQUI, two Dothraki girls, sixteen, sort who come along once in a thousand years
enough.
The only way to settle his sort is with steel. He drew his longsword.
though she did not remember drawing it. nothing of any use.Three
questions may you ask, the crone said, once shed had her drink. You
will not like m

Well dangit, Glendower, don't leave me hangin'. Luckily, Matvei Avery and Coriander Oneal took up the torch:

Quote :

-SEPTON TORBERT, SEPTON RAYNARD, SEPTON LUCEON, SEPTON OLLIDOR, of th

hurt me scrubbing. Why Runestone? Petyr mused. Why not Ironoaks or the
Redfort? Don't ask me, my money was on the Flyers. Why not Longbow Hall? it was hard to tell one color from
another. Others had badges sewn on their breasts. Ouch. Brienne spie

Quote :

There is no more time. Jon sounded sad. You need to get your things together, Sam. Your

disapproval. This one still has her maidenhead, Ill wager, Cersei
thought, Gasp! Could this be the prelude to a saucy Eragon rapefic? though by now its hardIronborn must not spill the blood of
ironborn.The Citadel is not what it was, complained the blond. They
will take anything these days. Dusky

Fascinating stuff.

What's your favorite brand of spam?

For a while I was getting some really amusing ones.

From: Subject
Nell Overton: Gain a huge cannon for love!

Dannon: Juicy Weiners get the dates!

Polidario: Brad was amazed at my trouser snake!

Jame Koch: Fondle all her internal nerve endings!

Paasisalo: Too much sperm for sperm bank!

Due: Over the rainbow my juice fly!

Kubas: Used G-Strings for sale

Dale Richardson: Immeasurable Wand of Pleasure

rae wrote:

For a while I was getting some really amusing ones.

From: Subject
Nell Overton: Gain a huge cannon for love!

Dannon: Juicy Weiners get the dates!

Polidario: Brad was amazed at my trouser snake!

Jame Koch: Fondle all her internal nerve endings!

Paasisalo: Too much sperm for sperm bank!

Due: Over the rainbow my juice fly!

Kubas: Used G-Strings for sale

Dale Richardson: Immeasurable Wand of Pleasure

I'd say those would fit well in the euphemisms thread. :D Certainly unerotic to me.

Unerotic, but I am so waiting for the chance to use 'Immeasurable Wand of Pleasure' in conversation. It sounds like a D&D item I'd have come up with at age 15.

There was a time when I was getting emails from dead actors. Got one from Melvin Douglas.
I guess the spammers figure most people under 60 or so wouldn't know who he is. But I am not your typical X'er.

I keep getting ones warning me to 'Beware of Hudlooms.' I'm assuming they mean hoodlums, but I now have this mental image of a hudloom being some strange contraption from the Middle Ages that was used to spin wool. I suppose I need to beware of them so I don't prick my finger and fall into a coma, like Sleeping Beauty did.

I've also gotten several claiming that one of my friends has paid whoever the writer is to kill me. Silly people, since if they knew as much about me as they claim to, they'd know I don't have any friends in real life.

I also get a lot of 'Your ex has searched for you'. One tiny problem. My ex is quite dead.
Shit, plot bunny attack. Die, plot bunny, die.

I got my first Nigerian scam yesterday. Actually, the lady in question "Professor Reverend Juliet Williams", was from Sierra Leone, but the principles applied.

In my spam folder I have an absolutely delightfully titled message: "Use the newest weapon to fight epilepsy--make her feel your wang".

I also have the rather depressing "Something inadequate about you" and "I am disappointed". Then there's the frankly terrifying "Give her gut locker more". I have no idea what a gut locker is. I don't think I want to know.

I once got an email titled "Tell us about your bathroom". Dude, you do not want to know about my bathroom. There's something growing in the sink and the tub won't drain right.
I thought about sending it to Spamusement, but was afraid of what they would come up with.

I got one a while back with the subject line "THE OWNER OF THIS E-MAIL ACCOUNT IS A FOREIGNER". I still regret that I never opened that one to check what that was about.

I occasionally get those 'ATTENTION MY DEAR FRIEND!' things from Nigerian/ Saudi-Arabian princes--or refugees from some dictator who need my help to smuggle their vast fortune into the US in preparation for their arrival--oh, and I can keep 3 milion USD as thanks for my help.

This one almost seems like it's about GAFF!

tinman resale canny comma!
chatty knobby.
blithe iron gaffer.
yaw event infect aged!
tinman room style calyx?
dumdum insole gaffer.
jehad iron jehad devout?

Subject: You weep so that even a stone would show pity
Message: Weeping stone cock

And some where only the subject was funny:

Take the blue pilule and she will show you how far the rabbit hole goes. Power up your gun and conquer ladies' hearts!
Make your King-Kong twice larger
ENERGY FOR YOUR DUDE-PISTON
Virilizing! Be proud while naked!
Get meat in pants pumped
Pimp for your weenie
Become a mating champion! Get yourself the breast of your dreams!
make your zipper knight the best in town!

And my favorite
Get an omnipotent porksword!

omnipotent porksword
immeasurable wand of pleasure

RLOL! I usually get the boring ones that try to sneak past the spam filter by using special characters (|_0|\|ger p3|\|1s). Or phishing messages that pretend that some company or other thinks I bought some expensive item or other so that I'll contact them with my credit card number to prove it wasn't me. Or 1,001 fake eBay alerts.

Mae Bedlam wrote:

Sometimes they creep through your filters, hoping that some poor sap is waiting for a cryptic solicitation for Asian porn or breast enlargements. Most of the time these hawkers post nothing but walls of lines of nonsensical lines of text, but if you're lucky you may hear from one of thousands of downtrodden Nigerian princes WHO NEED YOU VERY KINDLY TO PUTTING FIVE MILLION DOLORS TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

I opened up an old Hotmail account I had in high school that had an embarrassingly dorky handle. It was probably because of that handle that I finally received the kind of spam I've been wishing to get since I first discovered it: the random strings of filter-busting phrases that sound like dadaist epic poetry.

From Glendower Fay:

Quote :

-IRRI and JHIQUI, two Dothraki girls, sixteen, sort who come along once in a thousand years
enough.
The only way to settle his sort is with steel. He drew his longsword.
though she did not remember drawing it. nothing of any use.Three
questions may you ask, the crone said, once shed had her drink. You
will not like m

Well dangit, Glendower, don't leave me hangin'. Luckily, Matvei Avery and Coriander Oneal took up the torch:

Quote :

-SEPTON TORBERT, SEPTON RAYNARD, SEPTON LUCEON, SEPTON OLLIDOR, of th

hurt me scrubbing. Why Runestone? Petyr mused. Why not Ironoaks or the
Redfort? Don't ask me, my money was on the Flyers. Why not Longbow Hall? it was hard to tell one color from
another. Others had badges sewn on their breasts. Ouch. Brienne spie

Quote :

There is no more time. Jon sounded sad. You need to get your things together, Sam. Your

disapproval. This one still has her maidenhead, Ill wager, Cersei
thought, Gasp! Could this be the prelude to a saucy Eragon rapefic? though by now its hardIronborn must not spill the blood of
ironborn.The Citadel is not what it was, complained the blond. They
will take anything these days. Dusky

Fascinating stuff.

What's your favorite brand of spam?

WHY IS IT QUOTING SONG OF ICE AND FIRE AT YOU

I get some pretty interesting things in my Gmail spam inbox (a lot of which are spammers pretending that they know me with ominous subject lines like "Is the plan still on for tomorrow?"). I think my favorite was "ATTENTION: your pants are on upside-down".

I've still got a spam mail saved somewhere because it was just so wonderfully impossible to actually understand.
Let's see...

Ah! Yes, found it.
It was in my old mail, which I long ago abandoned to spam. I only keep it because it's nice to have when some webpage (which I don't REALLY care about, but want to check out anyway) asks for an email adress.

Forwarded from someone named "Yoshiko".
First there was something about "ladies book OFFICE" (and I'm a guy) followed by a few prices for computer programs, like Photoshop and Norton with a promise to deliver to my doorstep, but what really made me keep the mail was the cryptic "message" at the bottom of the mail.

history change rain sometimes? besides kitchen plan forced.
aware guilty brought thing supposed ask neighbor is need news" bicycle likely reference height listen, worse weeks visit like slowly receipt deal giving thought,
drew swimming reach this true hall take" destroy fallen going opposite stretch!

I have NO idea what it's supposed to mean, if anything. ^^

rae wrote:

This one almost seems like it's about GAFF!
And my favorite
Get an omnipotent porksword!

"THE MIGHTY PENOR KNOWS ALL. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE FROM THE MIGHTY PENOR. HE WILL FIND YOU. THERE IS NO ESCAPE. HE KNOWS WHAT YOU DO. HE WILL COCK YOU TO DEATH IF YOU DISPLEASE HIM. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MISLEAD THE GREAT AND OMNIPOTENT BONER."

Some spam I've gotten:

"For the defendant sat down. The jury decided in that macleod
should give the men a renewed warning pitris, dig wells,
(and dedicate them to universal flapping in the wind. She
had known tom since by heart. There are so many glittering
and vague talk, but that it was obvious to all that the
fierce, o bull of bharata's race, like the encounter men
with false reputation of learning will contract."

It sounds... almost poetic, really.


"Subject: Hassocks

Hoi,


Present unforgettablle night to your belloved one,
imaginne yourselff as a Macho!
[link removed]

Acting in this way, i shall, by betaking myself observing
that everything worldly is evanescent, blocks, are fastened
to the axletree, which turns with wrath, shot hundreds and
thousands of whetted come along with me for i'll be hanged
if ever make no answer, or will say that is my business!
biocpkgipmis thick shower of weapons falling upon the head followest
in the wake of this wicked wretch of across the sea, and
maggie sighed despondingly god had won a spark of divinity,
so might the still, the city of caen extends itself from
side staircase. She led the way with the candle. The areaaachgifl
the continent from the northern frontier of mexico thee.
go thy way from henceforth sin no more.john testify against
the revolution constitution and."

I tried imagining myself as a macho. I am 5'3" and I like frilly dresses sometimes. It did not work out so well. At least I can work out a revolution constitution in areaaachgifl, which is somewhere around Mexico.

Sparrow wrote:

rae wrote:

For a while I was getting some really amusing ones.

From: Subject
Nell Overton: Gain a huge cannon for love!

Dannon: Juicy Weiners get the dates!

Polidario: Brad was amazed at my trouser snake!

Jame Koch: Fondle all her internal nerve endings!

Paasisalo: Too much sperm for sperm bank!

Due: Over the rainbow my juice fly!

Kubas: Used G-Strings for sale

Dale Richardson: Immeasurable Wand of Pleasure

I'd say those would fit well in the euphemisms thread. :D Certainly unerotic to me.

And me. I'm regularly bombarded with these kinds of spam when I go online; I have to delete this crud from my Yahoo! account at least five times a day. :redangry: