Viruses are not amusing.

Hello everybody! Recently, while patrolling a bookmarks folder of stuff to snark, I ran across this fic, which I had completely forgotten about. It's an Iron Man fic on fanfiction.net, which means it's already set up for failure. But everything about it is pretty universally bad, so I thought I'd put it up here for (hopefully) your amusement.

Your Doctor is Here is by someone called lovelifelivelife, and is not, as I originally thought it would be, another hilariously bad sick!fic or a Doctor Who crossover. Well, it's sort of a sick!fic, but not really. It's complicated. The author's profile says they're from the Philippines, and judging by the grammar in the story I'm guessing English is not their first language. So I'm going pretty easy on the grammar, but definitely not on the plot.

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all the characters here except for naomi walters does not belong to me..this is so..my very first story..still not sure how the story goes..

Abandon all hope, even the author doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on!

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sorry about the title, can't think of a better one..so..enjoy..
CHAPTER 1: The First Meeting
KRING KRING KRING...
"Hello?"
"Naomi?"
"Yeah?"
"When you arrive here in the office, go to boss' office ok?"

“Sure, although I don’t know why you had to call me to tell me that instead of just waiting until I got there.”

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"Ok sure, see ya Sophie."
Naomi Walters, 25 years old, 5'3, has short black hair, a licensed computer hacker,

IT’S A JOB, SHUT UP

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working in one of the best agency of computer hackers.

Yes, because there are definitely “agencies” of computer hackers within the public eye. Seriously, they’re popping up everywhere.

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I rose up from my bed after the call and immediately check my clock. It was only 6:00 A.M. My office hours usually start at 7:00 A.M, so I was sure that I have at least 1 hour to prepare.

I’m pretty sure you do too, because I know how to tell time.

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I took a quick shower and grab some clothes which I thought was decent enough, and chose the first clothes that I saw inside my closet. It was a khaki colored blazer, dark brown vest, a white longsleeve, skinny jeans, and 3 inch brown stiletto heels.

Okay, typical Sue clothes. Hey, wait…

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stiletto heels.

Yes. All the computer hacker/programmers I know wear freakin’ stilettos to work.
Aside from obvious facepalm reasons, this is just impractical. If you work with computers, you’ll probably be sitting at a desk all day. And wouldn’t you rather wear comfy shoes for that? Like, say, sneakers? So that your ankles don’t fall off at the end of the day?

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After dressing up I quickly run, while I was combing my hair, to my kitchen, grab a box of cereal,

Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal…

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I poured some in a bowl and ate. I checked the time again and it was already 6:30.

I’m guessing it took her so little time to get dressed because she’s just naturally hot.

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It did not worry me that much since my drive to office is about 15 minutes only. Driving to my office this morning wasn't a hassle because it was not that traffic,

That traffic was in the other lane.

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so I parked my black mini cooper in the first parking slot I saw.
"Goodmornin' Ms. Walters"
As I heard this when I entered the building, I can't help but sigh.
"Oh common Sophie we had been friends since you first started to work here you know, so stop calling me formally."
"HAHAHA,

“BITCH WE’RE NOT FRIENDS.”

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sorry Naomi, you know that I was trained to do that everyday…"

And I’m a robot, so there’s no room for flexibility at all!

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she said smiling, while glancing to her computer in her desk and to me. "Oh, I suddenly remember you need to go to boss' office right now."
"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me Soph" I said and waved at her as I run to boss' office.
Knock, knock, knock.
"Ms Walters, come in."
"Goodmorning Sir Nash" I said, while sitting in the chair near his desk. "What is it you need from me now."

Do you really talk to Sir Nash that way all the time? I mean, come on. He’s your boss. And a Knight, apparently.

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"Well somebody hired you to cure some complicated viruses inserted in his computer, and you need to go there now"

I’m not sure she actually works as a computer hacker. Isn’t this the job description of a Geek Squad employee?

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he said this with a little smirk in his face while handing me a small piece of paper, "And that is the address, when you arrive there look for Miss Potts, and she'll tell you your terms. Understood?"
"Sir yes sir!" it sounded so sarcastically that it made me laugh and him laugh too. "Wait did you just say Miss Potts? Miss Potts as in Tony Stark's Miss Potts?"
"Yes and you better get goin' now missy."

Oh Sir Nash…always bordering right on the line of sexual harassment!

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"Oh alright then, see ya boss" I waved at him and walked to the lobby.
"Hey Naomi, you up to lunch?"
"Nope Soph, I'll pass to that for a while I have something to do.

“Also, I don’t like you. Bye!”

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So see ya!"
I headed to my car, and started the engine. I look at the paper with the address. Oh it's gonna be a very long ride.
"Malibu here I come."
After an hour of long drive,

An hour’s not so bad, especially when you’re departing from the land of No Previously Established Location.

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I already saw the big house in front of me. I'm pretty sure it was it. I park my car in the most convenient place. Then I climbed off the car and headed straight to the door and pressed the doorbell.
DING DONG!
A tall, red haired womanopen the door after the first bell. Wow she looks a lot better in the person.

Uh…thanks?

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"You must be Ms. Naomi Walters, I'm Ms. Pepper Potts!" she said with a nice smile in her face reaching one of her hand.

Yeah. Cos that’s how Pepper greets all women that just happen to show up at Tony’s house.

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"Oh nice to meet you, and you got that right I'm Naomi Walters, well I was informed that my services are needed here"

Oh, wait…are the stilettos for something else?

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I said as I reached her hand for a handshake.
"Well then follow me, I'll show you the way to Mr. Starks office" she said as she entered the house and walk through the stairs going to the basement.

The area where he builds the top-secret, billion dollar tech is open to the public now. Cos it’s his “office”.

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I was amazed to see how huge the house was, this was not what I was expecting. Seeing what I can see on first hand was breathtaking. The view, the furniture and everything else inside the house. Then I followed Pepper heading straight down to the basement.
"Tony, she's already here, come out and be nice to her alright" Pepper called with the same tone that greeted me.
"Oh? She's here already? She's pretty fast eh"

…Please tell me Tony’s dialogue gets less creepy as this story goes on.
Yeah, probably not.

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a familiar voice was stating those words with a hint of amusement in the tone of his voice.
Then there he was in front of me. The Tony Stark of the famous Stark Industries. The son of Howard Stark. The Iron Man.
"Tony this is Ms. Naomi Walters" Pepper stated looking from me to him.
"Ms. Walters my pleasure to meet you" he stated as he reaching his hands towards me.

His…hands? Plural? Is he trying to feel you up? I really wouldn’t put it past him, but I didn’t think he was that desperate.

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"You can call me Naomi Mr. Stark" I stated with a small smile in my face as I reached his hands for a handshake.
"Alright then, come in then inside my lab."

Yep, not getting less creepy yet.

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He stated as he entered the lab.
"I'll prepare some things for a while,

The above line of dialogue is so ill-conceived that I can’t think of anything funny to say about it that would make reading it any more interesting.

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so I'll leave you just two for a while" Pepper stated as she climbed upstairs.
By that time we were alone downstairs inside his huge working area.

Can I just interpret all this as innuendo? Yes? ‘Kay.

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"Jarvis, your doctor is here" he stated.
"Oh great sir" an electronic voice answered after his statement.

Okay, I’m using this as my new signature.

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So I decided to talk, "Uhmm, if you wouldn't mind me asking who Jarvis is?"
"It's the name of my system, his the one your gonna cure"

My system. You know, my talking, self-sufficient and intelligent computer.

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he stated with a small smirk in his face, "You see somebody hacked my system and it caused my whole system to have viruses, which is rather not amusing."

The moral of this story is: get tested for STIs? Or install firewalls? Or…something?
JUST FIX IT YOUR DAMN SELF, TONY, YOU ARE A COMPUTER WIZARD

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"Oh, I see, may I ask what the terms are?"
"Well the terms are that you'll be given seven days to cure Jarvis and you'll have to stay here for 7 days starting tomorrow."

Big Brother: Marvel comics edition!

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"Okay that will be fine with me, I'll get going for now to get some things in my house."
"Alright then Naomi get going now and be safe, okay?" he stated with a smile.
"Alright Mr. Stark, I'll see ya tomorrow. Bye Jarvis!"
"Goodbye doctor!" an electronic voice answered, and with that I laughed.

FOOLISH MORTALS, THEY KNOW NOT OF MY PLANS

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I bid my goodbye to Pepper, and headed straight to door, and to my car, then to my home.
I packed everything I need for seven days, everything that is important. After I ate a quick dinner, and took a quick shower. Then I rested in my bed to take a good nights rest.

Cool story, bro.


There are ten more chapters, which I'll snark some of and try to get up soon if anyone's interested. I've skimmed through them and they bring many a lul.

I lul'ed so hard. The entire idea of this story is ridiculous. Tony should be able to fix JARVIS himself! And if he can't, JARVIS should be able to do it.


Also

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Big Brother: Marvel comics edition!

That would be hilarious.

I don't think that ye olde "English isn't my first language" excuse is a very good one. If your English isn't all that awesome, get a beta reader to help you out. It's not that hard. I did that back in the day, when my English wasn't so good and I felt the foolish need to publish my terrible stories.

Problem solved.

Oh hell no.

Get the hell out of my fandom, Suethor!

Is this set before the first movie? Tony's in a relationship with Pepper after the second one. Plus she's currently CEO of Stark Industries, so what's she doing answering his door?

I don't think the Suethor gave any of this much thought.

The Scientist wrote:

I don't think the Suethor gave any of this much thought.

Most of the Sues are Tony's daughters in this fandom so maybe she deserves points for originality.

Then again, some of the Ironspawn have decent grammar. This is just sad.

I agree, there's a disturbing number of "Tony has a daughter lolol" fics on fanfiction. No one wants to write about his awesome, y'know, superpowers? Oh, okay. Never mind then.

Anyway, Chapter 2, featuring encoded codes and lots of food.

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this is my second chapter..again i don't own any characters but naomi walters..please review and comment..give me suggestions, and tell me if i should continue the story..thanks!
CHAPTER 2: 1st Day in Stark's Lab
It so shiny outside.

No no, that’s just Edward Cullen standing outside your window. He’s attracted to the smell of Sues.

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Hmm I wonder what time it is. I checked my watch and saw that it was only 5:00 A.M. So I decided to take a shower.

Instead of going back to sleep, like a normal person.

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Chose a gray hoodie and a bit baggie sweater matched it with a black skinny jeans and a black converse. I thought I'd rather have a casual look today. After dressing up I comb my short jet black hair

Yep, I was wondering when the author was going to get to the description.

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and headed down to my kitchen, grab a mug of coffee, and a bowl of cereals without fresh milk. After eating I washed the dishes and headed back to my room to grab my luggage and my electronics suit

Her electronics suit? What does she think this is, Tron?

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for the 7 stay at Tony Stark's house. I checked if everything was complete. I locked the doors and headed to my black mini cooper.

SHE’S SO EDGY! SHE HAS A MINI-COOPER!

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2 hours of long drive to reach Malibu. So I decided to fill my car with gas.

Thank you for deciding to tell us about it.

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Traveling there wasn't a hassle. Road has a small amount of traffic so everything was fine. I turned on the CD player built in my car and it played my Taylor Swift's CD.

A computer hacker who listens to Taylor Swift? Hmm.

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After 2 hours of nonstop driving I already saw the front gate of the house. And then I park my car and headed straight to the door.
"Good morning" Tony Stark opened the door and right now he was right in front of my face with a huge smile in his face, "I saw you coming in the window so I thought I should open the door for you."

Yep, just a totally normal Tony Stark, grinning away at everyone who enters his house at seven in the morning.

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"Good morning too Mr. Stark, you're in a rather good mood this morning huh?" I said sheepishly with a small smile while entering the house.
"Oh I'm sorry I was never this excited in eating breakfast, oh and I guess I woke up in the most perfect side of the bed."

THERE IS SO MUCH FAIL HERE

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"I see I'm glad you're in a good mood, well since you mentioned that there's breakfast I think I'm gonna have the same mood as yours" it sounded so childish that it him laugh a bit.
"Well then let's get going to my kitchen, Peppers cooking bacon, eggs, and toasts."
"Oh wow."

Yeah, cos Pepper, being the CEO of Stark Industries, totally stays in Tony’s house to cook him breakfast every day.

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"Goodmorning Naomi, come eat with us" Pepper greeted me with a smile. "I think I should one more serving for you.
"Goodmorning too Pepper" I said as I sat down on the chair near Pepper's chair and in front of Tony's chair, and the next thing I know is that Pepper is serving me a plat which looks like a smile, formed by two eggs which forms the eyes, and two bacon strips which forms the mouth,

Can I just assume we’re talking about a different Pepper Potts and Tony Stark? Because I don’t know who these people are.

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"Oh wow, thanks a lot Pepper."
"Your welcome" she stated as she sat on the vacant seat near mine, "Now let's eat."
The breakfast contained short conversations between the three of us. It mostly consists of random talks about the Stark's Indutries, the company I'm working at, my job background, any anything so random and some other silent moments.

Yeah, it’s soooo random that they would want to know about the person who will be living in the house for the next seven days.

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"Pepper, please tour Naomi around the house so she'll be familiar with it since she's staying for around 7 days,"

Pepper responded with a hearty “Up yours, Tony. I don’t have time to run your fucking company for you and give your guests tours of the house.”

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Tony said as he swallowed his last bite.
"Sure, well I'll just fix everything here" Pepper said as she stood up from her chair.

Pepper Potts: Domestic Goddess…?

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"Mr. Stark may I ask you something?" I said as I stood from the table to help Pepper.
"Huh? Sure what is it?"
"I was wondering why you hired me?

Thanks for asking, we were all wondering the same thing.

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I mean you're a genius when it comes to this kind of stuff and I think you wouldn't need my assistance anymore."

“Or that you would never need it, seeing as how you graduated summa cum laude from MIT when you were seventeen.”

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"Oh that, let's just say hearing about your company is quite interesting, so I thought why not give it a try. And this may serve also as a challenge for you. And I'm gonna wait for you to surrender" he said this with an arrogance in his tone and a smirk in his face.

So really, being a superhero, director of S.H.I.E.L.D., member of the Avengers, and international celebrity was getting too boring for you, Tony?

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"Oh so that's the reason behind all of this. Well Mr. Stark I'm will never surrender from your challenge." I said it with a hint of arrogance as well.
"Oh goodie"

Oh, nice. I can file that under my “Things I Never Thought I’d Hear Tony Stark Say” list.

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after he said that he left the room and shouted, "Well I'm going of somewhere; take care of all the other things here for a while."

“I’m going to the place, with the thing. I’ll be out until a time. My cell phone number is some numbers.”
/teengirlsquadreference >.>;

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"Does he do this all the time?" I asked questionably to Pepper.
"Well it depends on his mood, his very hard to read" Pepper answered with a small smile, "Well we better get your tour started, so you can start working on Jarvis."
"Yup that's right, let's get going."
Half of the day was spent on the tour.

Nice to know she’s being very productive.

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I get to know where the kitchen, living rooms, bathrooms, bedrooms, and the room I was going to stay at. After the tour we had lunch, and then Pepper told me that she was going to her office to work on some things, so I decided to head down to the basement to start on my work, the faster I'm finished the better.

I agree.

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"Good afternoon doctor" Jarvis electronic voice called on me.
"Good afternoon Jarvis, I'm gonna start working on you" answering him with smile.

“Sexually.”

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"May I ask you one thing Jarvis; was he the one who inserted all these viruses in you?"
"I couldn't say so."

Eeeeewww geez Tony get tested for the love of god

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"Oh alright then, I'll take that as a 'maybe'."
After that I took my laptop of my bag and switch some few chords to the main PC. I started to study the root cause of the viruses in the PC.

So…you scanned it for cookies?

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I encoded few codes

Computer programming: it’s just this simple!

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on my laptop and found out that the viruses in the computer is gonna be hard to eliminate. This is gonna be a hell of challenge.
"Jarvis, hang on alright, I'll cure you alright."
"Yes doctor."

How exactly are the viruses supposed to impacting JARVIS? Because they don’t seem to be having much of an effect.

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Working there the whole time was very quiet; all I can here are the clicks on my laptop and a silent breeze of the wind.

You can hear the wind from the basement in which the windows are bulletproof and the walls are hella thick so that Tony doesn’t accidentally break them again? Skills.

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I didn't even notice the time; all that I know is that it was dinner already because I heard Pepper's heels clicking in the stairway.
"Hey, I brought you some dinner, you shouldn't miss it you know" Pepper handed me a plate of white fish and rice.

“Hey I brought you some food because apparently that’s my only role around here.”

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"Thanks Pepper!" I said taking the plate from her hands.
"You know you're working hard on this I didn't even see you climb those stairs since you went down there."
"Oh, I'm sorry I was so focused on finishing this work, and I didn't notice the time."

“I was…encoding…code…and…stuff…”

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"Well time flies so fast when you're doing something rather important."
"I know, that's really true."
"Well I better leave you here so that you can continue what you are doing."
"Thanks Pepper."
I got to say Pepper is a very nice person.

Yeah, I would say that about any person who brought me food with that sort of regularity.

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After our conversation all I heard is her heels clicking again when she was climbing the stairs. I finished my dinner, and for the first time since I started working down there I climb off the stairs and saw that it was really dark already. I checked the clock and I saw that it was already 9 PM. I washed the dishes then I went back downstairs and continued what I was doing. After a few more hours of trying different codes and programs I started to notice that my eyes were closing unconsciously, after that all I know is I was slowly drifting to sleep.

She can only bring herself to stay up until eleven? Then again she was probably giving herself eye strain from trying all those complicated “codes and programs”.

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"Good evening Jarvis" Tony said while taking of f his jacket.
"Good evening Sir, I would like to advice you to keep extra quiet, since my doctor is asleep over there near your main computer."

“She’s drooling on the multi-million dollar hardware, sir.”

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"Oh she really is here," he stated making sure that he stated it extra quietly, "What time was she here? And what time is it now?"

“M’drunk. Where…where ‘m I again?”

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"3:00 PM sir, and it's now 12:30 AM sir."
"Wow, I better leave her now, nyt'

Hip slang

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Jarvis"
So Tony left and placed his jacket on Naomi's Back.

GASP! ROMANTIC GESTURE?!


And so ends the epic chapter two. WILL TONY AND NAOMI ENTER A RELATIONSHIP? WILL PEPPER CONTINUE TO DO NOTHING BUT SERVE FOOD? WILL JARVIS BE UNAFFECTED BY THIS VIRUS? The answer to all three of those is probably yes, but I'll have to find out when I snark the next chapter.

Great snark! This is still a horrible story.

I can't get over the fact that the suethor turned Pepper into Tony's maid. I'm hoping Tony hooks up with the Sue because I can't accept this is set after the second movie and Pepper quit her job as CEO to be barefoot in the kitchen (or giving hackers tours of the mansion).

*facepalm*

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Pepper responded with a hearty “Up yours, Tony. I don’t have time to run your fucking company for you and give your guests tours of the house.”

This needs to be in the Fic.

Thel33tmaster4 wrote:

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Pepper responded with a hearty “Up yours, Tony. I don’t have time to run your fucking company for you and give your guests tours of the house.”

This needs to be in the Fic.

Tony and Pepper have been replaced by pod people. There's no other explanation!

And your signature is amazing. I really hope we'll see Hammer again in the third movie.

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I really hope we'll see Hammer again in the third movie.

Me too. He was one of my favorite parts of 2.

I think the Sue needs more black clothing and accessories, she doesn't seem to have enough.

Hey, give the poor woman a break, will ya? It's hard work, you know, encoding codes, doing stuff, fucking up the English language and drooling on the hardware! I'd like to see you being this productive and helping Tony Stark not be bored of his super awesome life! You meanies!

Happenstance wrote:

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Jarvis"
So Tony left and placed his jacket on Naomi's Back.

GASP! ROMANTIC GESTURE?!

Nah, he just mistook Naomi for a coat rack or office chair.

It would be IC for him to use her for sex, I mean if the author ignores that Tony is very careful in the movieverse about who sees the RT device and that he's currently in a "stable-ish" relationship with Pepper that he's trying not to fuck up.

If the story was pre-first movie or even in the current comic canon it wouldn't be so far fetched for Tony to hire a hacker just to seduce her. It *was* the man's primary MO for a long time.

.... why am I trying to bring logic into this?

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.... why am I trying to bring logic into this?

Because Iron Man shouldn't be ruined by some 13 year old?

I think my whole body is trying to reject this fic...as soon as I sat down to snark the third chapter, my leg developed an unprevoked and violently painful cramp, which felt as though it was trying to simulate how it feels to spontaneously combust.

Anyway.

(Before we get into this, I just wanted you guys to know that--ironically--one of the only ways I'm staying sane reading and snarking this thing without flying into a beserker rage is by listening to this on repeat. It really helps.)

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CHAPTER 3: 2nd day in Stark's Lab

Coincidentally, also the second day of horror.

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All I know is that I woke up with a jacket at my back keeping me warm. The moment I raised my self up from my position all I can feel is that my neck hurts so much.

His jacket gave her whiplash! Does this mean she can leave now?

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"Ouch, damn it" I couldn't help but mutter those words to myself while rubbing my aching neck.
"You okay there sleeping beauty?" A familiar voice said behind my back.
Shock.

…Therapy, that is. It’s what you’re going to need to get the memory of this fic out of your brain.

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The sudden voice behind me caused me too fall at the chair I was sitting at.
"Wow you do hurt yourself to much in one single moment" he said this with a smirk in his face offering one of his hands to help me stand up.

OH MY GOD! IT’S LIKE TWILIGHT, BUT WITH SOME CHARACTERS WHO WERE FORMERLY AWESOME AND (to some extent, Tony) DIGNIFIED!

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"Well I wouldn't have fall if you didn't sneak on me" reaching for his hand to get my balance back up.
"Excuse me but this is my office area and I do have the right to stay and sneak on whoever and whenever I want to"

Translation: “If you’re going to work here, you’d better get used to Tony Stark being a goddamn creeper.”

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his position as he was saying this was two inches away from me,

Also known as “a distance way too inappropriate for your boss”.

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which left him with a smirk in his face.
"Whoa can you move back a little Mr. Stark? It's making me a bit uncomfortable you know."
"Alright" Patting my head like I was a little kid,

I really don’t have anything to say here. I’ll let the beauty speak for itself.

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while moving far away from me, and going back to what he was doing,

He must be encoding code too!

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"You can do whatever you want to do for a moment, then return back here to continue what you started."
"Oh okay thanks, and by the way I didn't need that pat as an encouragement" sticking my tongue out like a kid, making him laugh, "I'll return back here a little later"

TOTALLY APPROPRIATE EMPLOYEE/EMPLOYER DIALOGUE

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"Sure go on wise guy."
I left him down there, went upstairs, bid my good morning to Pepper, went to my room, fix my stuffs in the cabinets, grab my towel, took a long shower, grab my yellow doll like longsleeves and black skinny jeans and yellow doll shoes, and wore them since I don't really know what to wear.

Well thanks for telling us anyway.

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I lay down on my bed took a quick nap.

Aren’t you supposed to be…working?

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Checked my phone if there's any important messages. Went back down stairs. Ate lunch with Pepper having short conversations. After that I helped her by washing the dishes.

Yep. Pepper’s only function is still the lunch date…hang on…

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"Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure what is it Pepper?"
"Hand this plate to Tony since you're going down there again, he hasn't eating anything yet" Pepper handed me a plate filled with food

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! AGAIN?! SERIOUSLY?! Pepper’s still handing out food?

And this time she didn’t even bother to tell us what the food was!

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"Ok sure I'll bring it down to him." I said smiling taking the plate from her and headed down to the basement.
"Mr. Stark?" seeing that I can't see him for that time
"Yeah, I'm a little busy at the moment?" answered by him somewhere underneath one of those cars.
"Pepper asks me to give you this food."

“Also, she asked for a new job.”

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"Oh", rolling from under one of his car, "Please place it somewhere there, I'll just finish something."

“I’ll just…ah, be finishing this…um…job that I’m doing. Y’know. Work. Worky…work…stuff.”

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"Sure I'll just place it here in your desk."

I wouldn’t want food in my desk.

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I headed back to where I was working last night; it was just as I left it a while ago. I started encoding some few keys

GASP! The author learned a new term! Even if she doesn’t really know what it means or what it’s used for.

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to start detecting and removing the viruses slowly and making sure that none of these viruses are returning anymore. Then I saw him grab the food I left at his desk and he grabbed a chair with it and was headed to where I was. Next thing I know is that he was sitting just in front of the desk I was working at.

Hmm…or how about this:
“Suddenly, Tony was sitting in front of me, having grabbed the plate of food I had left at his desk.”

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"How many automated doors do you have in this house?" I said not minding him there and continued on typing on my laptop.

“I need to know how many security alarms to disable.”

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"Uhmm…I think we have 10 doors" He said after swallowing his first bite.
"I see thanks" I said smiling directly at him then I looked back to the monitor of my laptop.
"May I interview you?" he asked me then took another bite of his food.

“I like to interview all the dumbass ‘employees’ who are stupid enough to walk in here thinking their computer skills will make a difference.”

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"What for?"
"Well your one of my employees so I should know everything about you, I could always search it, but this way will be better" He flashed me one of those smiles making him look like a tame innocent child.

What happened to the Tony Stark that preferred not to talk to his employees if he didn’t have to? I kinda miss him.

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"Fine, ask all you want to" I answered knowing that I gave a small smile even I'm not looking directly at him.
"Good" he placed down his plate with remaining food, while seating in a much comfortable seat and started to ask me the first question "How old are you again?"
"I'm 25"

Yay! Tony can legally bang you!

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"Ok, do you have any siblings?"
"Nah only child since my parents broke up, and I stayed with my mom, so no siblings for me."
"Hmm. Newly graduate?"
"Hmm, I graduated 2 yrs. Ago, so you decide."

I think the answer he was looking for is “no”.

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"I see…Had any other jobs rather than this?"
"Nope."

Experience!

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"Boyfriend?"
"What?"
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"What is it with you and my personal life?" suddenly losing my focus on the monitor and shot a look at him.
"I will not entertain your questions since I'm the one interviewing. So answer it." He said this with a certain amusement mix with his signature smirk.

OBEY

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"Fine, no, no boyfriend. Happy?"
"Hahaha… Girlfriend?"
"Ofcourse none. Idiot. What you think of me huh?"
"Kidding I was just kidding?"
"Good because if you were serious I could have kicked your ass."

MY GOD! NO! HOW INSULTING! How dare he ask if she’s a lesbian! ALL GAY PEOPLE ARE SO EWWGROSS! Asking someone’s sexual preference is the highest insult known to mankind!

This actually makes me more pissed than anything else in this chapter.

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"Ok ok calm down. Ever dated before?"
"Nope not ever."

A hot computer programmer like yourself? I call bullshit.

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"Do you want to go out me?"
"What?" This time I didn't know what my expressions where, let's say my face was unreadable. Is he asking me out? Nah. He's not serious about this, is he?

No. He just asked cos he likes saying the words.
And shits ‘n’ giggles. Let’s not forget the shits ‘n’ giggles.

Quote :

"Common I know you heard me? Go out with me like for a dinner or something." He said this again with the same expression like he was a little innocent kid.

Yep. Watching Tony Stark trying to get laid is just like looking at an innocent kid.
Ew, what are the implications of that? Wtf?

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"No." my answer sounded so flatly.
"Why not?"
"Because first of all, we've only known each other for 3 days. Second, I am not that interested at you, even though you're that attractive, but then again, still no. And lastly aren't you dating Pepper?"

WELL DAMN
Points to Sue.

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"But, but, but…" these three words sounded like a child asking his mommy to buy a toy.

This just gets creepier every time a child reference is made

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"No buts here mister, well give it some time that you and I get to know each other a little much longer." I said smiling at him.
"So does that mean that I'll have a chance of asking you out?"
"It's a huge maybe."
"Fine"

“I think I’ll go for a drive, blow up a fighter jet, and find someone who’ll be easier to get into bed than you.”

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he said this while he was slowly standing up from his chair, "I better leave you there for now, keep working, I won't bother you for now" he said these with such a gentle smile in his face. "Thanks anyway for answering those questions."
"Sure it wasn't much of a bother anyway."

She doesn’t find it creepy that her boss of only three days just asked her out?

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The rest of the day was very slow. I continued what I was doing. And he also continued what he was doing in his cars.

Do not. Want. To know.

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We didn't have any more conversations for our whole stay down there. The silence was broke when Pepper called us for dinner,

Fakljdakl;djakl;jiqphpiofdlk;c;cam/am SERIOUSLY

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and we climbed upstairs and had dinner. After that I left Tony and Pepper upstairs and went down to continue what I was doing. I was trying to decode the virus in three out of ten doors in the house.

What is this virus I don’t even.

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Time moves so quickly, the next thing I know is Tony was saying something to me.
"Hey, it's pretty late, continue that tomorrow, take a good rest, having a huge amount of rest will be better for you."

“I think a HUGE ‘rest’ would be best for you. This is an innuendo, by the way. A metaphor for my junk.”

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"Oh, I see, I'll just shut down this up, and I'll head straight to my room."

And I will never, never come out again.

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"Okay I'll wait for you to do that." He said sitting in a vacant chair carefully watching.

Then I’ll follow you there and wait outside the door for you to wake up!

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"Whew, ok it's done." Yawn. "Let's go up."
"Okay let's go."
The next thing I knew is that we were in front of my bedroom door. I knew that I was still awake because I heard his voice once again.

What, does she pass out often while walking up stairs to other rooms that aren’t very far away? Or is Tony’s house really just that much of a hike to get around?

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"Well take a good night's sleep alright."
"Alright."
"Goodnight Naomi."
"Goodnight."
Then I entered my room, and he left going to his room. I changed my clothes to a much comfortable sleepwear. I headed to my bed. And I drifted to sleep and all I know is that I slept with a smile left in my face.

“Hooray! This whole situation is full of shit!”


You guys are wonderful, by the way. :'D

Jesus Christ. It just keeps getting worse.

Is Pepper the maid? Or is she dating Tony and the Sue will only let him cheat on her if they "know each other" first? I'm so confused!

What is up with all the allusions to Tony being a pedophile?

How do you encode "keys"?

And most importantly WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS AUTHOR?

*rocks back and forth*

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And lastly aren't you dating Pepper?"

Hey A Legit Question in this Fic. WOAH!

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yellow doll like longsleeves and black skinny jeans and yellow doll shoes

She must be tiny...

Devouring_Time wrote:

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yellow doll like longsleeves and black skinny jeans and yellow doll shoes

She must be tiny...

That's probably why Tony keeps acting like a pedophile. No self respecting 25-year-old computer hacker would dress up like a twelve year old Gloria Tesch wannabe.

She's lying about her age and Pedo!Tony is okay with this. Pepper is too broken after being downgraded from CEO/Superhero Girlfriend to "she who cooks and gives tours of the mansion" to give a shit.

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She's lying about her age and Pedo!Tony is okay with this.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Gloria Tesch wannabe? That's harsh.

I think this suethor isn't quite as bad as Gloria Tesch.

The pedo!Tony is really pretty wonderful. :D

I was bored tonight so I decided to snark another chapter. Every time I think it can't get worse...

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I do not own any characters except for Naomi Walters. Please enjoy and continue supporting the story.
CHAPTER 4: 3rd day in Stark's Lab
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
I woke up upon hearing the knocks on my door.

IT’S THE PO-PO!

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Last nights sleep seems to last so long. Well let's just say I had a good night's sleep. I run to the door to open it.
"Oh good morning Pepper."
"Good morning, I was wondering if you will want to join me in breakfast this morning."

I’m just gonna stop commenting on this.

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"Sure. Just a second alright."
"OK I'll wait for you at the dining area."

What, do they live in a cafeteria?

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After combing my hair, I walked through the dining area and notice that Tony Stark wasn't there.

You could probably just call him “Tony” or “Mr. Stark” at this point, instead of referring to him by his full name every time.

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I occupied the vacant chair with a plate filled with food. I noticed that Pepper was looking straight at me.

She’s upset because you haven’t eaten your breakfast yet.
THIS IS WHAT SHE LIVES FOR, DAMMIT

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"Uhmm is there a problem Pepper?" looking at her questionably.
"I was just thinking about something."

Technically you’re thinking about something every second of the day. So yes, you were.

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"May I know what that something is?"
"Yeah, I'm worried about Tony. You see after we broke up, he –"
"What you broke up?"

WHAT A CONVINIENTLY CONCEIVED PLOT DEVICE!

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I muttered making my food I was about to swallow fall back to the plate.

Okay, that’s disgusting. Seriously, table manners.

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"He didn't mention it to you?"
"Nope. Tell me everything."

Dish, gurlfraaand.

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"You see we broke up because I thought it will never work out between us, and now it's worrying me seeing him go blank all of a sudden.

Ohhh, so “blank” is the new word for “painfully out of character”. I get it.

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I need to help him find a new lover.

Yeah…I don’t think Tony really needs your help in that department.

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He's not getting younger you know."
"Yeah that's right, well that was shocking." I muttered then swallowed a big bite of my food.
"I know, hey don't tell him I told you this."

“Let him continue to hit on you despite the fact that he’ll think you’ll think we’re still together.”

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"Sure, I promise." I said smiling
Kring. Kring.

Klingon ringtone?

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"Oh I need to go now,can you handle everything here for me Naomi?"
"Yeah sure thing."

Says the girl who stays in the basement literally all day

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"Thanks."
After that I saw Pepper leaving the dining room and went outside. What I heard and learned right now was a bit of a shock. I never knew that that was there status already.

Don’t you read your facebook feed? They’ve both been “single” on there for months!

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Well I need to get my mind straight for a while because I need to do a lot of things.

What a busy woman. So many things to do, all of them so important. Mustn’t underestimate the power of things.

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I finished my breakfast then cleaned the dining and kitchen areas.

At least someone other than Pepper is doing that now.

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I headed to my room and fixed my bedroom. After that I headed to shower and took a bath, then wore gray longsleeves, white skinny jeans, and a two inch gray wedge. I comb quickly my hair. And then I walked straight down to the basement.

Hipster.

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There was nobody down there so I continued to work on what I started. I already finished three automatic doors infected by security viruses, so I continue to do the remaining seven more. By doing this it will lessen my problem with the problems in the main system.

Of which we will not go into too much detail about because the author is full of shit

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I was so concentrated on what I was doing; all I know is that I've been there for hours. I just took a break for lunch. Then walk back down to continue for another few hours. I paused for a while when I heard somebody climbing down the stairs. It was Tony stark.

This surprised me, despite it being his house and all.

Quote :

"Oh you're there." He stated as he entered the room removing his jacket, grabbing a bottle of wine and a glass.
"Yeah."
"Want wine?"
"Nope. Thanks anyways."
"You sure."

He should really not have that. He is an alcoholic. You definitely need to take that away from him. Right now.

Quote :

"Yup. What time is it?"
"It's around 6:30 in the evening. Why?"
"Nothing really."
After my last statement he went and grab a chair and placed it in the position we were yesterday. But rather than food he had wine.

“Food makes me sick.”
(If you get that reference I will give a pretend cookie.)

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"What?" I looked at him with a wondering look.
"Nothing you just seem so serious in what you are doing."

“All those things we’re not allowed to talk about in too detailed a fashion must be really important.”

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"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Do something to lighten the mood."
"And what do you suggest I do?"
"Talk. Ask questions if necessary. Just to make my mind wander off."

I’ve lost track of who’s talking, but I’m too lazy to go back and figure it out. Also, I don’t really care.

Quote :

"Fine. I'll interview you like you did last night. First, are you the only son."
"Yup, first and last son of the Stark family."
"When did you start inventing?"
"Since I was fifteen years old."

Untrue

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"How old are you know?"
"35. And yes I'm ten years older than you." Taking another sip of his wine.

Maybe Tony’s decided the only way he’ll be able to have a coherent conversation with this girl is by getting super drunk.

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"How many girlfriends did you have?" ignoring his other comment.

“Uh…do one-night-stands technically count as ‘girlfriends’ here?”

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"Well all the other girls are not serious relationships, so I'll count Pepper as one, but know that we broke up I have no current girlfriend."
"Are you dating someone right now?"

Didn’t he just say he’s not dating anyone?
Although if she meant a guy, I think gay Tony Stark would be pretty awesome actually. :D

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"Nope, are you willing to be my first lucky girl again to date me?" he stated this with his signature smirk.
"Not just yet, wise guy." I said not knowing how the voice of my tone was, for it sounded flat, but I ended this statement with a smile.

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

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"Right." He said then started to stand but due to so much alcohol content, he fell on the floor.

Apparently, Tony can’t hold his liquor at all, if half a glass of wine causes him to pass out.
Or he was drinking heavily before this to try and get the pain of being in it out of his mind.

Quote :

With what I saw I immediately jump off my seat and run to his side.
"Whoa easy there wise fella, I'll help you get there in that sofa." I said putting his one arm to my shoulders and helping him lay down in the sofa.

Are you sure you didn’t have a little of that wine, Sue?

Quote :

He was looking like a little adorable young boy while he was laying there on his sofa.

NOT. SEXY. JUST. CREEPY.
Seriously author, please stop.

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I walked quietly as I could as I approached to his jacket and grabbed it. I walked quietly as I return to him to place the jacket on him to keep him warm. I left him there knowing that he'll fall asleep very well.

“What with those roofies I slipped into the wine! MWAHAHAHAHA!”

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"Goodnight Mr. Stark."
I returned to the desk I was working on and tried to continue encoding a few more codes.

That doesn’t seem to be working. Why don’t you try programming some programs?

Quote :

I finished another four of the doors so it left me three more doors to fix.

At least we know the author passed second-grade math.

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I looked at where Tony Stark was sleeping; he was still at the same position. At that moment I felt that I couldn't leave him there. So I decided to go up stairs, grab a pillow, and grab a jacket.

Have they never heard of blankets? It’s kind of sad that the only things they have to keep them warm are their jackets.

Quote :

After doing that I went back downstairs.
"Dim down the lights Jarvis." I muttered.

SEXYTIEMS

Quote :

So the lights went dim, and the shiniest light was the light coming from the computer screen. I wore my jacket and placed my pillow in the backrest of my chair. I tried to continue to do the encoding but after one more door my eyes were closing so I decided to close my PC and decided to continue everything tomorrow. I fall back the chair and fell asleep there with the pillow in my back.

I hope this means the pillow revolted and stabbed her in the back. I think the Sue needs to die soon.

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Tony woke up half awake and noticed that he was still there in the basement, and he was there lying in his sofa.

And that he was very, very drunk. Suspiciously drunk for one little glass of wine.

Quote :

He looked around half seated and found Naomi there sleeping in the office chair with a pillow at her back. After seeing this he decided to lay back down

But suddenly sprung up again, swearing. “Dammit, I’m missing my AA meeting!”

Quote :

and go to sleep.
"Goodnight Naomi."

Goodnight Sue, asleep on a chair.
Goodnight Moon, shining light so fair.
Goodnight Tony, who on his jacket will be sick,
Goodnight WGWers, barely tolerating this badfic.

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Please leave a comment or any suggestions. I need help in continuing this story any comments or ideas will be nice. Thank you!:

WHY MUST YOU TORTURE US SO?! D:

(Sorry that rhyme at the end sucks so much, I'm super tired right now and probably really need to go to bed right after I post this. Especially because I just passed out for like five seconds while typing that sentence. Gotta go get my jacket out of the closet, though...)

I am particularly fond of the "Klingon ringtone".

Seriously though, a normal adult wouldn't get this pissed after half a glass of wine, let alone an alcoholic. I don't even think it's physically possible to get this drunk after drinking so little.

Besides, what the hell is she aiming for? Cute romance? First of all, that's totally OOC. I don't see Tony Stark doing that. Second, this suethor should realise that the scenarios she's creating are nothing but totally creepy.