R2-D2 and the Great Ass Elevator

Spring is here, bringing with it wind and rain and fucking darkness, so to while away the afternoon (and absolutely not procrastinate about doing the housework), I’m going to review a Star Wars/Transformers crossover by the delightfully trollish ComicsNix. The story is called Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh. It’s set during Return of the Jedi, between Princess Leia getting captured by Jabba the Hutt and subsequently being freed by Luke Skywalker.

We start with the Transformers half of the crossover. Optimus Prime (or “Potimus” as the author sometimes likes to call him) is captured by Megatron and sold to Jabba the Hutt for a million spacebucks. Now what do you think Jabba the Hutt, an intergalactic gangster, would do with a twenty-foot tall, sentient war-machine?

Why, make him the star attraction of his new sex show, of course!

Quote :

"Greetings dear customers. Welcome to the first Luxury Multi Species Colloseum of the galaxy! Here, our first slaves will have pleasures beyond imagination, and will please you too. Don't feel ashamed, put your clothes off and jerk at will. No extra expenses are charged by cleaning the place. Toilet paper is at your right side of your chair. Codoms are charged separately. Have safe sex...and let the show begins!"

With no choice other than to “please that hautingly audience of pedos”, Leia gets Prime to show her what’s under the hood:

Quote :

A hatch opened, and slowly, a cilindrical monster of lead and gold emerged from the opening crotch gate. It was shinning and was totally waxed. But was to big to Leia to be fucked. Forty inches of diameter and and six feet of height. Jabba was not pleased:

"How that stupid robot can penetrate Leia now? His dick is taller than me! Megatron fooled me!"

Jabba ponders how to provide his audience with all the hot girl on truck action they could ever want, Leia covers herself in graphite and gives Prime a handjob, and R2-D2 decides to boldly go where no Artoo unit has gone before – straight up Prime’s ass.

Let us pause to remind anyone who has never heard of Star Wars or Transformers what R2-D2 and Optimus Prime look like:

R2-D2

Optimus Prime

R2’s initial nervousness at losing his robot virginity soon vanishes, as Prime’s ass is a magical wonderland, built with visitors in mind. Which makes perfect sense. Why build a giant robot if you don’t make sure that its ass is a nice place to be?

Quote :

Optimus bowels lights got on. Everything wwas iluminated and R2 really saw what it really was. A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place. A camera apppeared from a wall and photographed R2-D2, and immediatelly put a portrait of him on a the bowel wall.

It’s so classy, it even has its own state of the art Ass Elevator.

Quote :

R2 looked around and found a button. It was an elevator button, that raised him up in the bowels. R2 arrived at a tight place, where his metal body got stucked. At first R2 got scaried, but them, the elevator got down, and got up, and down, and up, making a sine wave pattern movement with R2-D2.

But that’s not all!

Quote :

Optimus bowel's walls were made of carbon nanotubes covered with soft pinky pillows of pure petunia's cotton. They ajusted on the fly the pressure over R2 body and the elevator speed, acording to R2-D2 willingness to go deeper with his innermost sexual fantasies. At first R2 wanted togo slow, to fell the texture on his metal cover. But latter, his inhibition got away, and the elevator got faster, and Optimus got a surprise for him. Neon gas tubes apeared on the walls, and a range of different colors illuminate inside Optimus's ass with all colors of the spectrum. It was a really shame R2-D2 couldn't smell the daisy fragance permeating Optimus Prime's anus. R2 had no nose.

Carbon-lined, neon-lit and daisy-scented...for your pleasure.

While R2-D2 embarks on an exciting new career as a vibrator, Jabba finally solves the problem of Leia not being able to take Prime’s VadgeWrecker 4000. His solution? Grafting on Jar-Jar Binks’ penis.

Quote :

After a while, it's done. The penis is active and Optimus can control it. His entire life he has been praying for a small penis, and now, he have one, given by his owner Jabba. Leia looked Optimus eyes and smilled tenderly. The Jar Jar penis got attached on the top of Optimus metal penis. It looked like a small phimosis.

Normally I’d ask how that even works, but, you know – TINY ROBOT GOING UP AND DOWN ON AN ASS ELEVATOR. Anyway, Leia mouths Luke’s phone number to Optimus while they do it, and Optimus contacts him on the invisible phone he keeps in his head. But then, disaster!

Quote :

The Jar Jar penis is ready to cum...Leia's pussy is getting tighter...R2-D2 is already cuming his cumming liquids. ..and them...it fails. Jar Jar's penis get flacid and not a small drip of juice get out. It simply failed.

Jabba’s all set to execute them for being crap at putting on sex shows (when it’s really his fault for not grafting on Jar-Jar’s balls, too), but Luke conveniently arrives to save the day and Optimus conveniently escapes undetected, with a love letter from Leia in his pocket. And Jar-Jar’s dick still attached to him.

This fic is brain-breaking, riddled with typos and one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. It’s filled with instant classics, such as:

Quote :

"Leia, your leather clad bikini lighten up my boron buttocks!"

and

Quote :

"Granted my fellow cilindrical pal, you can enter my dark caves of mystery." said Optimus.

Check out the rest for yourselves. Check out the rest of the author's work, too.

Thanks, but I can think of more enjoyable ways to pass the time...like defusing land mines.

I have to say the ass elevator is my favorite.

Although the scent within the ass was nice, I thought it would have been funnier if there was a hanging pine tree somewhere, like one would have on their mirror in a car. Pine scent or "new car"....

As a long-time lover of the original Star Wars trilogy, my reaction to this may be summed up thusly:

Though I will admit the 'ass elevator' made me snicker. Right up till we got into the author's fixation with Optimuses' 'bowels'.

God this is hysterical and sad at the same time.

Optimus Prime has PICTURES decorating the inside of his rectum? He even HAS a rectum? WTF?

How did the pictures get there? Who was the unlucky sod who drew the short straw on that job?

"I have to put them WHERE?"

EileenK98 wrote:

How did the pictures get there? Who was the unlucky sod who drew the short straw on that job?

Whoever it was, they must have needed a stiff drink afterwards.

EileenK98 wrote:

How did the pictures get there? Who was the unlucky sod who drew the short straw on that job?

"I have to put them WHERE?"

A camera takes the picture automatically and puts it on the wall. It's right there in the parts I quoted.

From the sounds of it, he has several pictures of humans in there. Is this some sort of greeting ritual for him?
"Nice to meet you, now come see what my anus looks like. I can assure you that it is quite luxurious."

I guess it isn't too surprising, I know that whenever I see a giant robot I immediately wonder what it would be like to hang out in its ass.

Cyberwulf wrote:

EileenK98 wrote:

How did the pictures get there? Who was the unlucky sod who drew the short straw on that job?

"I have to put them WHERE?"

A camera takes the picture automatically and puts it on the wall. It's right there in the parts I quoted.

Ah, yes, I see it now. And it doesn't make any more sense.

WHAT. I...WHAT. THE. GAAAAAH.

Brain bleaaaaach...