Girls Night 2: Legally Blondes!

Gather round, sleepover party-goers and put your PJs on while we start painting each others’ toenails. It’s time to watch Legally Blondes. No, that’s not a typo, it’s an extremely important S.

In the past, I myself have had a somewhat unimpressed view of the original Legally Blonde and its sequel. I accept that it is my own personal opinion, and that many people really do like the film. Whatever your thoughts were on the original, you will absolutely see it as an Oscar-worthy drama of the decade after viewing its sequel. Sorry, Threequel. Sorry, Threequel spinoff.

The movie is, unfortunately, presented and produced by Reece Witherspoon. I wonder how much involvement she actually had in the production, though, because Elle Woods never appears in the movie, despite her name being mentioned many times, mostly to assure the audience that this bizarre teen crapload is somehow attached to the original franchise. In fact, the only way I could see this movie being produced was if the writer, director and set manager* were all terminally cancer-ridden children and Reece Witherspoon was kindly granting their Make-A-Wish.

With that in mind, let’s watch Legally Blondes!

The movie opens with an interestingly sped-up aerial shot of rural England. Some scenic stock footage of fields, some sheep, and a manor or two. Flash a good stock shot of a union jack flag just to let our audience know that THIS IS ENGLAND, MOTHERFUCKERS. A castle for no reason. Westminster abbey for no reason. At the end of the stock footage, we are treated to a banner of wonderfully pasted on pink text letting us know that we are in the TOTALLY NOT MADE UP area (town?) of Kentfield because the production value is way too low to identify a known place, and would rather just substitute some stock footage and a double-decker bus as a backdrop. ENGLISH!

Also, it’s raining. Well, no, it’s not. It is absolutely clear that it is sunny outside, and the crew are dumping bathtub loads of water onto these poor B-grade actresses to make it seem like it is raining; made apparent by the multiple rainbows that made it onto the final shot as two young trollops running under matching pink umbrellas meet up to go shoppaaaaang.

Freeze frame on the first twin. Stats needed for hot twin identification methods! (Or you know, they could just dress differently or have different haircuts. Is it a law that identical twins need to style themselves the same?)

Name: Annie
Likes: soft pink
Computer code (hey, me too! Do you prefer BASIC or C++? Oh, wait, you /\/\3@|\|+ +|-| | $)
A good book

Hates: speaking in public.

Awesome, great to meet you as we will soon not really be able to tell you apart from each other anyway.

Cut to Izzy!
Likes: Hot pink
A good debate (so could Superman beat the Flash at chess?)
Anything on sale

Hates: tests

Now back to them standing in gleaming sunlight with set rain pouring down on them talking about how moving to America is going to be teh Awesome.

“It’s going to be totally worth it! Imagine, summer clothes all year round! No more jumpers and wellies for us!”

“And I’ve heard that in LA, we’ll only need these (umbrellas) to block out the sun.”

“The sun? Living in this country, you wouldn’t know there was a sun!”

Eeeexcept if you look just past Madame de Pinkadour and the clear-as-daylight cast-shadows everyone is producing from the glaring sunlight. If shooting conditions were that bad, they could have just shot the scene at night and made it rainy.

This wonderful dialogue is cut off by their distraction by a SAAAAALE!

Inside the shop Trollop A is met with the dilemma of a shirt she reeeeally wants but isn’t on sale being put onto the sale rack. But these ingenious bints have an idea! They see the strapping young lad at the counter and go for the Flip and Wave. Which is kinda like the junior version of the Bend and Snap that they’re clearly not old enough for.

Their tactic is to always read nametags, kissy up to the clerk and sparkle for a deal. Hoorah for morals!

For some reason, the script allows the girls to use one piece of British jargon in the whole movie “barrister” having Anne tell Izzy that she’s a natural.

Cut to some stock footage of a country home. With a crapload of vines growing on it. So far, I have no idea where these two live, since I’ve only see an aerial shot of Westminster Abbey, so I can’t tell if they’ve made the mistake of What a Girl Wants’ “country estate in downtown London.”

Cut to the girls “packing their bags” aka dumping pink shit in boxes. One picks up a frame with their mother exclaiming how sad she is that she “was lost” two years ago. Let’s not waste time with unimportant details or character development, please!

“I hope the sunny weather will help dad move on.”

“And up! He’ll have the entire LAU English department running in no time.” (Did you mean… UCLA? Or Like Always U made it up?)

Dad enters the room for a bit of Family-whatever.

Trollop 2: Dad, it’ll be fun! We’ll see movie-stars, drink those mocha-latte-chinos and get authentic Beverly Hills nosejobs!

Trollop 1: J/K dad, I like my own English nose. (Wait, I thought messed-up teeth was the stereotype. BRITS, GET IN HERE.)

Dad: Me too. :D and have no fear, the Woods family will fit in with the LA lifestyle like fish fit with chips. ENGLAND.

Cut to the movie title and a travel montage of a plane landing to show that they are no longer in ENGLAND, but rather in LA. It is sunny, and stock footage of Hollywood mountain and aerial LA scenes parade along with some dude surfing, a close-up of a lifeguard’s yellow truck (???) some dudes skateboarding and a touristy drive-by of the Chinese theatre. Random shot of people rollerblading on the beach, playing volleyball, a speedboat, aaaand sunset blv’s street sign.

Pan down to our fabulous trio driving along the way extremely slowly for no reason other than the fact that they’ve piled up their mini cooper Ikea-style with sparkly pink luggage and are heading off to whatever house they live in. Lots of palm tree shots. Palm trees require no royalties.

Drive-by shots of crowded mansions to show that they live in a rich neighbourhood. Dad has a pile of cars driving behind his slow-ass mini for no reason. He informs the kiddies that his work is only a mile away from Elle’s mansion. (this is the second time they mention her name for the money connection) Dad typically swerves into the wrong side of the road in pretty much the only genuinely comedic bit in the movie if not for the stereotyping at work.

Elle’s mansion is wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling pink. And in the centre on the living, as a tribute to Tyra Banks herself hangs the most hideous larger-than-life portrait of Elle in her legally blonde 2 outfit. Seriously if you have any way to watch this movie, pause and take in the glory that is Reece Witherspoon trying to make a 4chan face.

Dad carefully explains that Elle spends most of her time in DC lobbying so the only talented actress isn’t gonna show up srry guys :< Dad also takes the girls out to the balcony pool-thing where they explain that the view of smoggy LA can’t get any better. Then, they hear dogs.

MATCHING GIFT CHIHUAHAS!

Those dogs will never be seen again in this movie.

Girls grab the dogs and run out to go school shoppaaaaaang.
Flash footage of the signs over high-end stores. And… mid-range stores? Bebe, Valentino, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Jimmy Choo, Harry Winston, De Beers, Juicy couture, and Dior.

“Ooh, look at all these stores! It's a fashion paradise! It’s so different from Kentfield!”

I cannot make a comment on this statement based on the fact that:

1) They live in a made-up area
2) They live in a hobbit-like rural country home covered in country vines.
3) They live near Westminster Abby in London, where these shops are most likely all located in some sort of high-end street.

*Excuse my interruption, but this next scene is where I must introduce Steve Fuckupington, this movie’s Set and Prop Manager. Numerous blatant mishaps happen on camera and the team either didn’t have enough money or time to do a simple prop shoot, or nobody fucking noticed. Either way, I really hope Steve was fired.

Also, after a really boring shopping montage, the girls are walking across a crosswalk when… something. I don’t know if it’s a receipt or a wallet, drops out of one of the girls hands. She doesn’t notice, she doesn’t go back, she just trots on her was as this piece of flim-flam delicately falls to the ground. Also, an extra notices it, but says nothing. Lol?

P.S. Again, I’m only 5 minutes into the movie. Hoorah.

So then they run across this store I’ve never heard of and Black Blah Blah I bet Posh practically summers in this store and blah blah, Beck’s shopping budget was north of ours by about 40 zeros…

1) David Beckham does not make 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in Pounds, Euros or Dollars* He is not a Duodecillionionaire. (Maybe Zimbabwe dollars :BBB)
2) Posh makes her own damn money, which you would do well to learn, SCHOLARSHIP KID.

So the shit in there is expensive. Right. They then have a dim-witted conversation about how one of the girls has a talent for hair-flipping to make high-school mall employees give them a discount and charge inside Karen Glass Studio, a made-up couture store, to try to jew those motherfuckers down! I give them points for gumption.

They try and fail. Apparently hair-flipping and cute smiles don’t work on uptight female employees. Also, this is a high-end store you idiots. They could reasonably kick you out for wearing jeans if they felt like it.

Upon Exit: Evett just did us a favour! She’s just telling us that we can do better! We’re in the greatest fashion shopping postal code in the world! Somewhere on these hallowed streets is a school wardrobe that’s going to stand up and make the world say….

“Crap!”

Cut to them wearing uniforms.

Um, they should be used to it? It’s usually Americans that have issues with uniforms. And posh private schools in the US either A) Don’t have them or B) the kids don’t really give a shit. I guess the girls may have dreamed about being able to wear whatever they wanted to school instead of a uniform, and were let down by the announcement, but that would require both cultural sensitivity and explanation in the plot.

Continuous back-and-forth whining from the twins about how their uniform is scratchy and not-pink in front of dad for a while allows me to mention just how slooooowly these girls were directed to speak. They must have gotten a note more than once about keeping their pacing down for the ass-slow American tweens watching this movie. The dialogue may or may not be better if it was performed at full BBC speed, but right now it takes minutes to get off just a few line exchanges.

Cut to a trumpet fanfare and an overhead shot of the posh private school these gals are attending. You know how I know it’s posh? There are fucking HORSES EVERYWHERE. Fuck those horses walking wherever the hell they want on camera. Seriously, in every cut scene, there’s someone riding a horse. Even on the driveway. Also, I think the location is a vineyard. Which makes this movie infinitely better.

Pacific Preparatory, as written on the sign in the wonderfully classy Copperplate Gothic font, is a school where the motto is: “Quidquid Latine Dictum Sit Altum Viditur Provniate Obedivnt Omnia” which actually translates to “Anything said in Latin sounds profound.” A nice easter egg, if any of the 14-year-olds watching bothered to pause the 5 second clip, and you know, could speak Latin.

Father cheerfully waves his two flaxen-haired maidens away at the front door of the school without bothering to even meet the principal. Douche move, dad, especially when this lady is like giving Ann Robinson control of a highschool. Determined to be as thin-lipped and bitchy as possible, she wears dark lipstick and a bizarre red and gold cat-eyed eyeshadow. No kidding, they gave her Maleficent-style make-up and this woman is supposed to be a hardass about conforming to standards.

Blah blah bitch bitch about how these two lesser creatures got in on scholarships and how they are second class citizens at the California Winery Where Horses Shit Everywhere. At which point this woman whips out two clipboards with a several-page contract that is the code of conduct for the school written in tiny-ass print. Trollop 2 reminds us that she is not, in fact, a barrister (yet!), and both smile sweetly while complaining that they can’t read the print. This scene makes little sense if any thought is put into it, but we’ll ignore the fact that anything legal would have to include a parent’s signature. This is a teen movie and adults only exist for ruining relationships and paying for shit.

The girls sign the contracts anyway and are handed twin paperback books the size of a phone book, which are the Pacific Prep school rules. I can’t tell if this is supposed to be funny or sad, since their beady little eyes view such massive reading with fear and disgust. We’ll go with funny.

Now, we are finally introduced to Love Interest Number One! Christopher Lopez is a work study student in the principal’s office whose talents are filing things, being unpopular for no reason and haircare. A musical upswing is heard as he faces the two for the first time and we are hammered with zoom-in-crush angles.

As soon as the twins are led out of the office by Boy Wonder, the scowling principal shrieks for the secretary to come in and stalk those two bitches because she has a gut feeling they’re bad. After, you know, meeting them for five minutes.

“Ms. Chang! Keep an eye on those two.”

“The Woods twins? Why, they seem lovely.”

“They posses the same perky DNA as Elle Woods. Elle woods made a mockery of these hallowed halls with her… Fashion arts elective!”

“Which you got rid of two years ago.” (long after Elle graduated in like, the 90s)

“And her Tai Chi Tuesdays!”

“Which you might consider reinstating.”

“I finally got this institution back on track and I refuse to let the next generation of blonde Woods nymphs destroy what I’ve created! OOOOUT!”

Bitchvillain for no reason? Check.

Cut to the three highschoolers in a rancid teal hallway discussing Christopher being a work-study student. One of them is bored by computers. The other one loves computers! They are different and unique! Also, some explanations for British slang are exchanged because everyone in this movie is an incompetent moron.

Then, for no reason, Chris’ last few lines are dubbed in while he is standing there and as he exits. Bad sound check, Steve? This movie seems to not be able to retake the simplest, most low-budget scenes.

Now we must be introduced to villain number two. Veronica Lodge Bitchy Whoever and her new Uberphone, made by Uber electronics, the company her dad owns to her…boyfriend and best friend. This girl is either really insecure, forgetful or raised to pitch her product from birth. But who cares, she’s spoiled and rich. Her new Uberphone is a phone, gaming console, mp3 player, PDA all in one. All right, standard features, how is it special?

“Oh yeah, and HD hologram technology.”

… Yeah, her phone projects images in mid-air. Sweet, this movie is officially sci-fi! Veronica Bitch goes on about her phone a bit more as her friends beg her to get them one before they are released.

Enter the twins into the History classroom. I guess it’s at this point that I need to mention the beautiful, beautiful Chipboard Chairs. These high-backed gothic-style chairs are cut from the finest chipboard, have a crude lace pattern cut out of the backs, and the insides are painted bright yellow gold. Steve’s shitty chair paintjob is shown by the zoom-in shot of Veronica Bitch’s name stamped on her expensive seat someone forgot to tape before they painted. Plot is as follows:

1) Twins scoot by Veronica Bitch before she notices
2) Trollop 1 sits down in Veronica’s paid-for seat.
3) Veronica bullies her out of it, and mentions that she owns every front-row 3-across seat in the school. (Wait, let me get this straight. Blind social ignorance of who is interested in her conversation? Repetitive and narrowly focused topics of conversation? A need for routine and emotional upset when this routine is broken? This poor girl is autistic! You dear thing, I can totally relate. I bet you don’t like to be physically touched, either.)
4) Trollop 1 moves to the back of the room and is quickly replaced by trollop 2 when VB isn’t looking.
5) VB turns around, sees trollop 2 smiling in her Designated Spot and loses her shit.
6) Trollop 1 invites Trollop 2 to the back of the class and VB realises that they are indeed twins. (It’s ok, the whole lack of emotional empathy thing and narrow focus prevented her from seeing the other girl not 15 feet away.)

Now we cut to VB’s boyfriend, Jerkass and his Douchey Blonde Friend. Jerkass, or JA for my own personal laziness, is also autistic. He cannot handle repetitive, irritating noises like a pencil sharpener, and demands that his clearly second-class friend go sharpen his for him. We are honestly treated to ominous GIANT CLUE music and a zoom-in shot of this kid sharpening pencils with very little context. Aight, information stored for later retrieval. I feel like a movie sleuth already. Cut back to JA being visibly upset by this noise. (It’s OK JA, if you need to find a quiet place to go rock, you can exit through the back door and come back in at break.)

We are now 15 minutes into the film.

Oh, man. This movie. The film rental store near my old apartment had this playing on their big-screen one day. I wanted to shoot the characters about a minute after hearing them speak. This film well deserves any snark it gets.

Keep up the good work!

Found an image of the chipboard chairs! [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Please do notice the shitty paintjob on every chair. This movie apparently couldn’t afford masking tape.

Enter bumbling male highschool teacher, who, uh, intrudoces himself to his class. Wait, was this the start of the new semester? If not this guy much be teaching the special rich kids. Oh, wait, he has two.

So in this utterly boring scene, JA makes a crack about the twins being hot, Mr Teach asks a generic USA question, and libby stands up to kiss America. And of course Trollop 2 then stands up to completely SUCK AMERICA’S COCK for 30 seconds, then sits down and smiles sweetlywhile trollop one licks up all the dangling patriotic jizz off her face.

Cut to lunch.

The twins are being followed by two highschool-movie characters of normal social standing and discussing the resident queen bee, Veronica Bitch. Oh and asking inane questions about England.

“bangers and mash sounds like hurl. Is it?”

(in unison) “sort of!”

Now we are introduced to the twins’ matching bff bracelets. This is another moment of not-so-mysterious fore-highlighting. The twins chat on amiably with the students as VB walks on the scene with BFF. I seriously don’t think BFF has a name in this movie.

VB is miffed by the fact that thse girls are, gasp, talking to people. Much folding of the arms and harrumphing is displayed to show her disgust. Also, BFF has really tiny eyes and incredibly enormous lips. Just sayin’

“Actually, the buzz say that their summer wheat number 4 haircolour is natural. Not a single highlight. And even more sick, their noses are real.”

SHOCK AND DISGUST.

(Also, hooray for our current western beauty standards, where every girl who isn’t blessedly perfect needs to fake it until she makes it.)

“Come on! That’s a Dr. Feldman #7 if I’ve ever seen one.”

…Sigh…

“Or two.” VB touches her nose to show that she, in fact, has had plastic surgery. I feel so sorry for this kid, falling under the pressure to be physically perfect and mutilating her body to see herself as acceptable. “And Jerkass is totally digging them!”

VB’s autistic boyfriend walks past the two at their table with a smooth “hey, sup?”

VB fumes about this while her friend details what the twins have accomplished after their one day at school. “As Sun Tzu said, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

“Sun Tzu? Isn’t that, like, the sushi chef at Nobu?”

Ha…. Ha.

Now we enter into every single highschool girlmovie plot ever. The evil queen be pretends to be the heroine’s friend and proceeds to humiliate her and ruin her life to varying degrees. Hoorah. VB fake apologises for flipping out earlier, while elbowing her friend to pull out her chair for her. She then starts explaining about her vision disability where she MUST sit in her spot in every classroom, because her vision is “like, 21/zillion.” (See? I told you this was a school for the disabled! Stop ridiculing them!)

Forgive and forget, the two trollops, eager to increase their social status accept VB and are about to commence talking about different shades of toenail polish when who shows up but Vaguely Latino Loser, Christopher Lopez. VB hates him especially because he is one of the scholarship kids, and shoos him to the loser table where kids who got into the school based on exceptional performance and not parental wealth are banished. (Also, have I mentioned that Chris is played by Bobby Campo, who is 27? Totally not creepy at all! Although I vaguely remember some other dude on a Disney show that was in his 30s)

VB then takes the time to Explain the Actual School Rules to these innocent waifs, enlightening them about the financially challenged club, while her BFF almost vomits at the thought of not having any money.

“Those poor kids are just one tuition cheque away from hopping on to the big… yellow… public school bus”

While sound of schoolbus brakes mysteriously plays, BFF covers her ears and runs away. (Huh?)

“I mean the stories that I have heard about this kind of lifestyle just sound so… middle class.”

(So what does that make me? I had to walk every day :<)

Trollop 1: Look, um, we should tell you that we-

Trollop 2: That we completely understand! We’ll do our best to respect other who have… less.
VB: Delish then! Hah! But come on, it’s your first daaaay, let’s talk about something more relevant to humanity! Liiiike… *gasp* LIPGLOSS!
Two trollops: *giggle*

Fade to ANOTHER goddamn scene of someone riding a horse in front of the girls walking on the grounds. We get it. Privilege. Guess what, no character in this movie rides a fucking horse. Also, that’s kinda dangerous riding your horse on the front lawn. They have rules for that, you know. It’s in your giant-ass handbook somewhere.

Trollop 1, feeling guilt: We could have just told her we’re on scholarships, I guess…
Trollop 2: And commit social suicide on our fist day? We’re Elle Wood’s cousins! We have a reputation to uphold.

Bitch, did you even watch the first movie? Reece Witherspoon commited social suicide by going to Harvard.

Trollop 2: And think of dad. We need to make a go of it here. For his sake.

The conversation continues on, but the sound quality becomes extremely fuzzy and bad for some reason, and I assume they were desperately trying to dial out some background noise. I will take this opportunity to mention the HIDEOUS FUCKING BACKPACKS everyone is forced to use. The bizarre thing is that they are ALL rollers, but everyone is carrying them on their back. Do you know how awkward that is? The straps are basically for decoration because the rigid frame of the rolling handle is a huge, well, pain in the back. These atrociously bulky bags take up half the screen on a simple walk-by shot.

The twins then notice that the Donohugh name is plastered over every building, including the science lap, gymnasium, auditorium in COPPERPLATE GOTHIC FONT. Shit is real, guys.

Trollop 2: They should just name the school VB prep! Haha!

BFF bamfs in out of fucking nowhere.

BFF: Pretty cool, huh? VB’s dad is the CEO of Uber Electronics!
Trollop 1: Uber Electronics!? As in one of the biggest computer technology companies in the world?

Now VB bamfs in out of fucking nowhere to knock her friend aside and hijack the conversation. Again.

VB: THE biggest. Not to brag, because I’m not like that. Just a fact. (Hurr hurr manipulativeeeee) in case you find yourselves in a conversation about my family’s incredible wealth, hey (adopts an obnoxiously fake English accent) wouldn’t wont ya to nowt hahve the fou won won, eh wot?

VB then hears the voice of her lolblack driver and huffs off to her stretch hummer-limmo. She turns and offers the two a lift, most likely for more emotional sabotage, but the twins decline, because dad is picking them up. I hope they phone ahead and tell him not to show up in that ghastly wreck of a mini. Wouldn’t want anyone to think you guys are poor. However they do accept a ride home the next day, to which VB goes into fake-chipper overload. Her nose simply twitches with delight at the thought of being a teenage bitchqueen.

Cut back to the twins and MORE PEOPLE ARE HORSEBACK RIDING BEHIND THEM. FOR A TWO-SECOND CLIP. FUCK HORSES.

Fade to sunset over a random ocean bay with boat on it for no reason. Fade back to the school’s front sign. Cut to a bird’s eye shot of the school/winery with more lawnhorses. (I told you people, every. Single. Scene.)

It’s now lunch again, or something. VB is hoitsey-toitseying down the steps to the strange outdoor cafeteria everyone eats at, talking about fancy coffees and how lesser beings keep fucking them up, when they are met by Sylvia, the Clearly Latino teacher / cleaning lady who is pissed off at VB.

VB: HOLA, Sylvia!

Sylvia: Good morning, miss VB

VB: Right after lunch, BFF and I took the time to stack those trays for you. We thought you could use some help.

(k, no idea what time it is right now)

VB, BFF and the trollops walk away to have VB tell the trollops behind Sylvia’s back that her helping the less fortunate is sometimes “met with scorn”. Turns out she stuck the trays together with massive amounts of [s]silly putty[/s] gum. VB then offers the trollops some gum from a fist-sized package and they flounce away mindlessly. Also, there is a wah-wah-wah cartoon trumpet noise.

Cut to some generic kickin’ female hip-hop music as the two trollops are now living the high life, standing out the sunroof of VB’s hummerlimo while driving up to her hotel. Sorry, mansion.

They then enter VB’s surprisingly barren foyer with a GIANT-ASS STATUE right in front of the door. There’s no mention that it’s just been delivered or anything to explain its presence, it’s just sitting smack in the middle of the doorway.

Trollop 1: This must be like living in the Victoria and Albert museum! ENGLISH.

Trollop 2: We actually studied this piece in art appreciation class last year!

Trollop 1: This is a beautiful reproduction.

VB: Reproduction? *scoff*

Yeah, without pictures, this scene isn’t nearly as funny. As with the chipboard chairs, this statue is made out of spraypaint and foam. It looks like it was rejected from a mall fountain for being too cheaply made. Not even Meryl Streep could convince me this giant copper prop has any worth whatsoever.

Now we get to the most bizarre part of the movie. I know every Queen Bee must somehow prove that she is far superior to whatever Newgirl traipsing in on her personal movie, but the length and comical extremity that this scene overextends itself to just makes the viewer go “Buh?”

Trollop 2: Your estate is amazing! Stables! Pools! Heli-pad! Tennis courts!

Trollop 1: The only thing missing is…

Both turn to gasp.

Trollop 2: TWO trampolines!?

Yes, VB owns two standard olympic trampolines in her back yard. Which is… not really that impressive since trampolines aren’t that expensive.

VB: Yeah, one for me and one for my personal trainer. Dolf swears that it is the best workout you’ll ever have. You ever been on one?

YEAH, DUDE, I’VE BEEN TO CHUCK-E-CHEEZE ONCE OR TWICE.

And… I… Oh, look, here’s the clip. Enjoy.

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YOUR CHUCK-E-CHEEZE HAD TRAMPOLINES?!

Oh man, I gotta know. Does rich-bitch have a ball pit?

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

YOUR CHUCK-E-CHEEZE HAD TRAMPOLINES?!

Oh man, I gotta know. Does rich-bitch have a ball pit?

Actually, it was a similar childs-play facility that we have in Canada known as Go Bananas.

Also: Unknown, but I presume so. And it's filled with candy.

After fainting, and leaving me disappointed by the lack of dizzybirds floating around VB’s head, we fade back to the California Winery Where Horses Shit Everywhere. The students receive their results back from their same previous teacher, fundamentally proving that this is indeed a Two Teacher Highschool. Trollop 1 gets 95%! Trollop 2 gets 50%. They are different and unique!

And now, the students have the golden opportunity to recite the US constitution in front of the class, beginning with the student who got the highest grade… TROLLOP 1! No pressure or anything. Ohnoes! Trollop 1 hates public speaking! Trollop 2 is very well-spoken! They are different and unique!

Trollop 1 stumbles and acts nervous!

Cut to Jerkass hitting on one of the trollops and an excellent showcasing of the Fucking Ugly Backpacks. Jerkass cannot tell them apart. Neither can I. Also, there is a huge motivational poster behind Jerkass asking, “Do you impact?”

Jerkass tries to keep his moxie up, but it is significantly drained by a student near him clicking his pen with an obsessively vigorous force. Great, now we have an OCD student, too. Another ominous zoom-in shot with ominous music to go with the ominous pen-clicking.

Now Jerkass is stumbling in front of the Fish ‘n Chips hottie he wants to impress and this just ain’t good. He loses his shit in a manner similar to his autistic girlfriend and tosses the other kid’s pen in the trash. Yeah, that’ll learn ‘im.

He then goes straight back to mackin’. Aw, yeah. JA asks the Trollop to the school dance, only to find his girlfriend around the corner in an odd foam neck brace (but nothing else, I guess she merely sprained her ego with that fall) JA refutes his connection to VB. VB fumes some more.

VB then announced to her spiritually conjoined twin that she will pay the trollops a “visit” tomorrow to “study.” In fingerquotes. And the only thing she is going to “Study” in them. There’s gotta be a skeleton in their pink, perky closet.

She then rips off the neck brace that I guess she didn’t really need.

Cut to VB’s comically large vehicle arriving at Chateau Pink. VB is dressed head to toe in stuff from Claire’s. That’s some expensive shit, right there.

“Oh, come on in! We were just getting to the battles of concord and Lexington.”
“Mmm. Yeah. I would rather hear about the battles between Armani vs Versace.”

OH SHIT SHE BE SLINGIN’ LABELS, BITCHES. I BET SHE’S BEEN IN THOSE STORES. Also, grammar, ho. That’s just awkward sentence structure.

Blah blah boring filler dialogue, school is hard. Now dad pops in for (MOTHERFUCKING ENGLISH!) tea time! Dad is also dressed for no reason in a hot pink candy striped apron with a pink demon Chihuahua on it. Just trust me here.

VB implies that the family is poor and/or common through snotty dialogue. Now the trollops conveniently have to leave to take their matching giftdogs out to the bathroom. At the same time. Apparently twins shit in unison. Magical.

VB points out random stuff to dad, and dad lets slip that, ohnoes, they’re actually poor and the girls are scholarship kids. Oh, VB has her dirt now. Now walking down the driveway for no reason, VB invites the girls to the movie’s major humiliation scene. A school dance where they will be humiliated publicly. They are instructed to wear swimsuits to the alumni ball. Key word: ball.

The girls show up to the party, at some harbour, at night, in nothing but swimsuits. Now, that’s just their own damn fault. You could have at least worn clothes overtop. Also, there are no valets, or front of house staff to tell them what they’re wearing is inappropriate.

After walking around for a bit in hot pink swimsuits, the trollops are met by one of VB’s lackeys telling them to go into the SECRET SPECIAL ENTRANCE JUST FOR THEM. No, really. It’s safe, now get in the van.

Lackey then turns around and just for good measure, whips out all the cash VB paid him and flashes it while cackling maniacally.

After walking behind curtains and stage lights, the trollops are still not fucking aware that they are back stage at the event.

“VIP entrances are so dark!”

So are you.

“That VB, always looking out for her friends!”

What do you know, they walk on stage in swimsuits into a formal gathering. A spotlight turns to them, they get blinded and fall off the stage. Shocked gasps and whispers!

Now VB gets up and whips out the S-WORD on them just to drive home how evil she is.

“Izzy, Annie, you faces are just as pathetic as your scholarship applications!”

I wonder if anyone else in the room, including all the faculty would connect any of those points. Anne Robinson the Principal points her icy wrath at the two trollops. The one that sucks at public speaking fails to give an answer. Blackout.

Quote :

So in this utterly boring scene, JA makes a crack about the twins being hot, Mr Teach asks a generic USA question, and libby stands up to kiss America. And of course Trollop 2 then stands up to completely SUCK AMERICA’S COCK for 30 seconds, then sits down and smiles sweetlywhile trollop one licks up all the dangling patriotic jizz off her face.

With such wonderfully colorful description, I know the actual scene can't live up to it but... I still have to know what was said!

Knight wrote:

Quote :

So in this utterly boring scene, JA makes a crack about the twins being hot, Mr Teach asks a generic USA question, and libby stands up to kiss America. And of course Trollop 2 then stands up to completely SUCK AMERICA’S COCK for 30 seconds, then sits down and smiles sweetlywhile trollop one licks up all the dangling patriotic jizz off her face.

With such wonderfully colorful description, I know the actual scene can't live up to it but... I still have to know what was said!

Cut from the bizarrely ominous pencil sharpening to the bell ringing in the start of class.

Mr Golden: Uh, welcome back, I am Mr Golden, your history teacher. I would like to extend a special welcome to Annie and Izzy Woods, they’re new here to Pac Prep and they are…

Jerkass: COUGHHOTCOUGH

Mr. Golden: …from the UK,

The girls smile delightfully.

Mr Golden: …Mr Whitley. Which is, actually, quite ironic when you consider how much class time we have spent, uh, discussing one of their country’s greatest upsets. Would you care to guess what that subject is?

(The stupidity of this scene is not only in the dialogue. The only thing written on the blackboard in this poverty-stricken school during what I assume is part way through a semester is the teacher’s name and ‘American History’. No homework corners, no notes, not even graffiti. Those four words are also underlined for effect. I hope you are taking notes, because this will be on the test.)

Mr Golden: How ‘bout you, Annie? (The one that sucks at public speaking)

Annie: Uh, the… the…

Izzy: Don’t be shy, Annie.

Annie: The… the… the…

Mr Golden: America… England… (waving hand gestures) Everybody was upset…?

Izzy: David Beckham joining the Galaxy? :D

Slight giggles from the class.

Mr Golden: Uh, no, no… Actually, we were actually talking about the American revolution.

(That does it, this is the special needs prep school)

Mr Golden: Now, uh, does anyone have any thoughts about what advantages the patriots had that allowed them to defeat the English?

VB raises her hand.

Mr Golden: Ms. Donohugh?

VB stands, so as to call as much attention to herself as possible: Our forefathers biggest advantage was to keep the war well-inland where Britain’s massive navy posed… little threat.

VB turns to stare directly at the trollops: My forefathers crossed “the pond” on the Mayflower, so, we know a little bit about this sort of thing.

Mr Golden: Yes, well, thank you.

VB sits back down and licks her teeth with pleasure.

Mr Golden: Anyone else? Any thoughts? Yes, Izzy (The one that likes public speaking)

Izzy: Well, we came across recently, on Virgin Atlantic! But I once read this brilliant paper (Annie looks up at her with stars in her eyes) that claimed that the arrogance of the British military may well have been the colonists, I mean, the patriots biggest advantage. You see, our daft ancestors totally underestimated the keenness of you yanks mostly civilian force. And so failed to dispatch England’s best soldiers.

Mr Golden: That’s wonderful, Izzy! Thank you! Now, you see class, this is exactly the kind of fresh insight I’m always looking for.

Annie to Izzy: You never told me you thought my Colonies paper was brilliant.

Izzy: And it was! Not my fault you can’t speak up!

They giggle and stare at each other. End scene.

Quote :

VB sits back down and licks her teeth with pleasure.

I LOL'd IRL

Oh, hey, I found the scene on youtube!

In the first bit, be sure to get a good look at the Fucking Ugly Backpacks.

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Sakurelf wrote:

Found an image of the chipboard chairs! [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Please do notice the shitty paintjob on every chair. This movie apparently couldn’t afford masking tape.

GO TEAM VENTURE!

The trollops are now back in their room pouting about their humiliation with much arm folding and unfolding. A distinct lack of tears or trauma makes me not feel so bad for them. The twins then come to the conclusion that the only thing to do is pack, uprooting their father form his current position at the university because they were stupid. Dad wanders in and gives them a pep talk about believe in yourself or some shit.

New solution: The trollops go kissey up to the loser table because they are losers too, now. Also, the loser table is filled entirely with racial minority students. Vivic is Indian, Marcy is black, Rainbow is Jewish with hippie parents, and Christopher Lopez is some shade of latino. They are different and unique.

Cut to a pool party with the new loser table friends who are much more accepting. It turns out 30-year-old-totally-not-creepy CL has a crush on one of the trollops, but it doesn’t really matter who. He is too shy to talk to her, but can totally talk to her human clone. Trollop 1 gives him a pep talk about believe in yourself.

Fade to them studying, and the trollops happily gasping, “I never knew the Boston Tea party was all our fault! :D” Oh, America. You’re your own self-insert.

Now trollop 1 talks about not being able to speak in public. CL takes her hand and gives her a speech about believe in yourself while all the othr group members arrange themselves uncomfortably close to her. They hatch a plot to becoming popular by altering their uniforms. Because they obviously don’t stand out enough.

SHOPPING MONTAGE!

FREEZE-FRAME SHOT OF EVERYONE JUMPING IN THE AIR!

Now we’re in another Fashion Shop, Guyz, and Christopher Lopez has picked up a “totally sick” pair of Mutts. Platform. Cherry red. Sparkling, sequin-covered clown shoes. Rad. CL goes on about the shoes while Trollop 1 tells him that 400 bucks is a total rip. Well, yeah, if you’re buying fug shoes like that.

Trollop 2 whines to her sister again that something NOT ON SALE has been put ON THE SALE RACK. Only one solution to that! Go finagle the clerk with your tits. Pip pip eh, whot, young bint?

Haha, turns out the clerk wasn’t a dude, it was just a dykish chick. Well, that’s not going to stop a good young ho-in-the-making. These girls just crank up the sparkles and give it to Ruth full-on, with choreographed hair-flips and pearly-teethed grins. Poor Ruth finally bends under the pressure, as long as the girls promise to do that weird-ass hair-flip thing they keep doing.

Cut to SEWING MONTAGE!

The Trollops are now at home attaching a lot of pink shit to things that shouldn’t be made pink.

AAAAAnd the big reveal. The trollops and their new Losergroup line up to show off their fugly new clothes.

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These are the uniforms. Let it be known that Trollop 2 has pink felt pom-poms glued on her skirt.

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For good measure and because I found it, a good shot of the Fucking Ugly Backpacks.

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Seriously, I can’t get over how ugly they are.

Back to the scene, we’re treated to a very awkward shot where each actor steps into the frame and then says their line in a very contrived manor. I wonder how many takes this scene required to get a good shot.

Cute to a legs-only shot of them walking in unison. The girls have ditched their slightly-classier knee-high socks for electric orange and pink leggings. Oh, highschool. Also, the Jewish kid, whose name is Rainbow, is covered in rainbow motif decals. Because clearly he does not get made fun of enough at this school.

Pan around to other students looking at them with incredulity. I like to pretend that they are looking at them with derisive mockery with an appetite now fuelled for merciless bullying and social ostracizing.

Now Principal Anne Robinson steps out of the front door to meet these young rebels because she is psychic! She can sniff rebellion out of the air and pursues it like a bloodhound seeking out an escaped convict. She whips on her cheap sunglasses and confronts these young upstarts.

“My office. Now.”

Then she takes off her glasses in a strange reversal of the David Caruso gag.

I dunno, those "fucking ugly backpacks" look a lot like what most kids at my high school had (well, those that didn't have messenger bags). Though they do seem out of place at a super exclusive private school.

Man, this movie has a misleading title. Here I was all set for a review of a lesbian porn knockoff of Legally Blonde.

I see by that transcript they had to do the obligatory "footie" joke that comes about when the main character is British.

Knight wrote:

I dunno, those "fucking ugly backpacks" look a lot like what most kids at my high school had (well, those that didn't have messenger bags). Though they do seem out of place at a super exclusive private school.

Most of my annoyance, I admit, comes from working backstage in theatre as a costume and prop designer. Such bulky bags bags are so cumbersome they just don't allow for subtleties in the interactions between actors and are generally a giant clusterfuck on stage. Props like that are visual nails on a chalkboard for me.

Oh, horrors of "direct to DVD" sequels...

Awesome snark, tho!