Clash of the Titans - where are the Titans? And Io is a cow!

Yet another movie I was really hoping would not be shit, but was severely disappointed with. I haven't seen the original Clash of the Titans from, what was it, 1981? but I was hoping for something, well, cool.

So ok, if you watch this with zero expectation and no knowledge whatsoever of Greek myths, you should do fine. And there are some pretty cool scenes in Clash2010, but....

GODDAMN IT IO IS A FUCKING COW! She is NOT an ageless maiden who has somehow collected all of the best kept secrets in the universe! She's a COW! Zeus raped her and turned her into a COW! WHY DID YOU NOT USE THIS, Warnerbros? It would be so much more fun to see Io randomly turn into a bovine beauty instead of prancing about looking deathly pale and acting like she was so cool. Also, chemistry between her and Perseus? none. I've seen icicles shooting one another hotter glances.

Eh, the Kraken? You know, the thing that was supposed to be a Titan? It's Norse. It's not a Greek monster, it's fucking Tennyson. And if it lives in the sea, guess who's its master? Not Voldemort Hades, but Poseidon. It's not a Titan. As a matter of fact, there are no Titans in the entire movie, and they sure as hell don't clash, either.

So, what's with the Star Wars wooden soldiers? I thought Perseus was going to do this 'like a man!' as he keeps bawling. He even refuses to use the sword Daddy Zeus gives him because he wants to do this without supernatural help, as 'a man'. So why hook up with that desert guy? He's full of magic and shit. Also, he kept bringing down the 4rth wall and reminding me that I was watching a pretty shitty movie.

And THERE IS ONE PEGASUS AND IT WAS BORN OUT OF MEDUSA's NECK for fuck's sake why are we forced to watch a herd of pegasi in the woods? There is ONE, only one, and it came out of Medusa! How can you not use that? She was pregnant with a child from Poseidon, and when Perseus chopped off her head (in a btw extremely cool scene in the movie, have to admit that, even though he actually just snuck up on her while she was sleeping) it escaped her body through her neck. I mean, how cool is that? And how sickeningly Harry Potter is finding a whole herd of winged horses including foals munching grass in the forest?

Ok, I know Liam Neeson is a good actor. But how many Quigon Jin figures can he play before he decides he's up for something new? I kept expecting him to draw a light saber. And his voice is not powerful enough for Zeus.

Good things:

Scorpions growing from whatshisname's blood. Unlikely, but very Metamorphoses.

Medusa. She was awesome.

Mads Mikkelsen as Draco. Mads Mikkelsen rules. He's my new hero.

Kraken CGI. Great.

For the rest...what a bloody waste of time and money. The original myths are so wonderful. If you rape 'em right, you get something even more wonderful. This just sucks. I feel cheated. And I want a theater in my neighbourhood that still allows me to watch movies in 2D.

The Kraken was in the original film, as were Pegasus (just one, but given to Perseus before he killed Medusa), a character adapted from The Tempest, and a clockwork owl. It was a Ray Harryhausen epic (his last before he retired), so sometimes -- okay, frequently -- mythological accuracy took a backseat to stop-motion Rule of Cool.

When I was a kid obsessed with mythology, some of that bugged me. When I was older and understood more about the relevant film history, I could go with the flow much more easily.

I don't care about myth-rape if it's done well. Cool is more important than accuracy. But if the original is much better than what producers cook up, I drown in the flow and come up spitting blood.

And ok yes I'm a bit obsessed with Greek mythology. God of War (currently watching someone play nr 3 because I suck at that kind of games) is also a total screw-up of the myths, but it rocks to high heaven. God of War does it right, and Warnerbros managed to trip over every single possible thing they put in to make it look cooler.

kleine_kat wrote:

GODDAMN IT IO IS A FUCKING COW! She is NOT an ageless maiden who has somehow collected all of the best kept secrets in the universe! She's a COW! Zeus raped her and turned her into a COW! WHY DID YOU NOT USE THIS, Warnerbros? It would be so much more fun to see Io randomly turn into a bovine beauty instead of prancing about looking deathly pale and acting like she was so cool. Also, chemistry between her and Perseus? none. I've seen icicles shooting one another hotter glances.

Do you really want a movie starring Hathor? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Penguin wrote:

kleine_kat wrote:

GODDAMN IT IO IS A FUCKING COW! She is NOT an ageless maiden who has somehow collected all of the best kept secrets in the universe! She's a COW! Zeus raped her and turned her into a COW! WHY DID YOU NOT USE THIS, Warnerbros? It would be so much more fun to see Io randomly turn into a bovine beauty instead of prancing about looking deathly pale and acting like she was so cool. Also, chemistry between her and Perseus? none. I've seen icicles shooting one another hotter glances.

Do you really want a movie starring Hathor? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Io is sometimes seen as the Greek version of Hathor, yes.

But with 'bovine beauty' I actually meant 'Big whopping white mooing cow' I think I'd have preferred a charming cow over this actress. There was something about her I really couldn't stand. Also, imagine the love scene with Perseus lovingly stroking her udders...

Oh, god, was it that bad? I was considering going to see it, for the special effects and a good way to waste a few hours, but being a huge Greek mythology geek, it'll probably just be painful.

...from the way you worded your rant it sounded like, well, Io and Perseus were together. P-please tell me I read that wrong? Please?

Max III wrote:

...from the way you worded your rant it sounded like, well, Io and Perseus were together. P-please tell me I read that wrong? Please?

Pretty much unspoilered: Yes. Sort of. In a completely non-believable and unsexy way.

Spoilered: Well, yes, after suddenly turning Matrix-Trinity in the bowels of Charon's Ferry (which is very cool, btw), Io instructs Perseus on how to kill Medusa. She herself can't enter Medusa's cave because she's been conveniently enchanted never to be able to hurt women. At the end of the instructions, Perseus' baser instincts take over and he almost kisses the one woman he's ever seen apart from his mother. Unfortunately, they arrive at Medusa's cave before he can mount her. (moo).

Later, she dies horribly. Sam Worthington does his utmost to make the viewer believe he is racked with grief, but in the end he justs mounts his ( non-Medusa-born) Pegasus and goes off to kill the Kraken. After he's done that (Day 10. Killed Kraken. Still not king--but I don't want to be because Andromeda not that hot, really) Zeus congratulates him on this wonderful feat and brings Io back from the dead (which he CAN'T, because she's in HADES, and if Hades would do one thing to spite both the brother he wanted to topple and the man who defeated him, it would be throwing Io as deep into the pits of Tartarus as he could) so they can live happily ever after and Io can bear Perseus many calves babies.

I was very upset at the treatment this movie gave Andromeda, she's one of my favorite heroines from greek mythology.

Also fuck Io and her all knowing, immortal Mary Sue bullshit. I wish she'd been an actual cow. She was only there as eye candy and to provide Perseus and his gang with constant infodumps. Augh!

I hear they're making a trilogy too *facepalm*

It was hilarious that Poseidon was constantly told to STFU so Hades and Zeus could keep bickering like an old married couple. And Medusa was pretty cool, other than that this movie was a waste of time.

Necroposting because I watched this movie on the movie channel last night.

Holy balls, this story hates women. I'm not 100% savvy on mythology, so I can't tell entirely what artistic liberties were taken, but damn, don't be a woman in this.

Perseus' mother:
- found dead in a coffin with no thought giver to her
- raped by Zeus for revenge against her husband
- Killed by her husband for revenge against Zeus

Cassiopeia: - Boasted about her daughter being pretty, and so she was punished with old age.

Io: - Cursed with agelessness because she wasn't raped by a god.
- Just kinda follows Perseus around with no backstory or personality
- Becomes Perseus love interest for no reason

The witches: - Evil, ugly old hag trope

The Whole Team of Manly Men: "We love being men in the age of men! rah, rah manly men stuff testosterone penis balls, yeah!"

Andromeda: - Threatened with death for no reason

Before Medusa: The one dude mentions he had a daughter taken from him on her 16th birthday. And we're just supposed to feel a bit of pity for him

Medusa: - Her fault was being really pretty, so she was raped by poseidon
- Ran to Athena for help, and her punishment was being turned ugly
- Now Perseus needs her head to kill the Kraken when... medusa never really did anything wrong in the first place, but is made to be evil because she's... ugly?
- Called a bitch for no reason. She never did anything to Perseus or his crew.

All the female gods: Just... not there. At all. We have shots of Hermes and Aries, but all the women are in background shots of Zeus.

Also, teh movie was incredibly condensed, and that made me sad. They didn't even have enough time to make the comic relief hunters (THE ONLY DUDES WITH ACTUAL GREEK ACCENTS WTF) into comic relief.

Oh yeah, Accent rape. English =/= foreign.

I was pretty miffed about negating the Andromeda/Perseus story to accommodate Gemma Atterton because she's an "up and coming starlet".

Actually, I was so repulsed by the plot change that it completely ruined the whole thing for me. I couldn't even enjoy hating the terrible 3-D conversion.

Sakurelf wrote:

Holy balls, this story hates women. I'm not 100% savvy on mythology, so I can't tell entirely what artistic liberties were taken, but damn, don't be a woman in this.

Being a woman in ancient Greece, even without the mythology, wasn't very cool anyway. (Part of why 300 is so laughable: In ancient Sparta, men were for fun. Women were for babies. Seriously, Spartan women were executed or exiled once they aged past their childbearing years).

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Perseus' mother:
- found dead in a coffin with no thought giver to her
- raped by Zeus for revenge against her husband
- Killed by her husband for revenge against Zeus

That manages to be worse than the actual myth, where her father kept her imprisoned so that she wouldn't bear any children (an oracle had told him that he would be killed by his daughter's son)... and Zeus just happened to notice and gave her a golden shower* and knocked her up. Depending on which version of the myth you read, Perseus either wound up killing him in an embarrassing sporting accident, or he came back for revenge after he found out that his grandfather tried to kill him and his mother by casting them in the sea, and turned him and his court to stone with Medusa's head.

*Seriously, "Zeus came in the form of golden rain, and impregnated her."

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Cassiopeia: - Boasted about her daughter being pretty, and so she was punished with old age.

Well, for bragging that she and Andromeda were prettier than Nereus' daughters (Nereus being a sea god), she was basically tied to a chair forever. In orbit.

Quote :

Io: - Cursed with agelessness because she wasn't raped by a god.
- Just kinda follows Perseus around with no backstory or personality
- Becomes Perseus love interest for no reason

Odd, since Perseus wound up marrying Andromeda in the mythology. Also that's arguably better than her canonical curse, which was to wander the earth forever, as a cow, being stung by a gadfly until she went mad, because Hera was mad that Zeus banged her. Zeus eventually turned her back into a human, and had a kid with her.

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The witches: - Evil, ugly old hag trope

Well, yeah.

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The Whole Team of Manly Men: "We love being men in the age of men! rah, rah manly men stuff testosterone penis balls, yeah!"

That's ancient Greek athletic man-worship, yep.

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Andromeda: - Threatened with death for no reason

Don't know how it played out in the movie, but Andromeda was supposed to be sacrificed to a sea monster as divine punishment for Cassiopeia's boast.

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Medusa: - Her fault was being really pretty, so she was raped by poseidon
- Ran to Athena for help, and her punishment was being turned ugly

Originally Medusa was punished by Athena when she found her having sex with Poseidon. Apparently later versions of the myth changed it to the scenario in the movie. Because, you know, that somehow made it better.

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- Now Perseus needs her head to kill the Kraken when... medusa never really did anything wrong in the first place, but is made to be evil because she's... ugly?
- Called a bitch for no reason. She never did anything to Perseus or his crew.

Considering that Perseus and company showed up to kill her, name-calling is the least of her problems.

Penguin wrote:

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Andromeda: - Threatened with death for no reason

Don't know how it played out in the movie, but Andromeda was supposed to be sacrificed to a sea monster as divine punishment for Cassiopeia's boast.

it's more than likely just specific to this movie, then. The way it's told in this show (and I restate that I know the basic story, but no fine details) is near the beginning of the film, this dirty-looking shaman-pagan-whoever dude is wandering around, clearly an outcast, clearly his opinions are out of favour with the general public. Ominous music and sunken-eyes make-up. Then, in the turning point of the movie, after the gods get all petty and jealous and smitey, he decides that they need to kill Andromeda to make everything right. Not that she really did any of the boasting and god-hating that her parents did. Just that she needs to die. This is ramped up through various short scenes throughout the film, showing the pitchfork-ey riots slowly going over to the shaman guy's side and demanding Andromeda's head. For no reasonable explanation. None is given for why she needs to die. Just "because it's the cool thing to do" all of a sudden.

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- Now Perseus needs her head to kill the Kraken when... medusa never really did anything wrong in the first place, but is made to be evil because she's... ugly?
- Called a bitch for no reason. She never did anything to Perseus or his crew.

Considering that Perseus and company showed up to kill her, name-calling is the least of her problems.

Again, movie-specific thing. It did the whole ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE TO SHOW HOW SRS HE IS. And then a CUT IMMEDIATELY TO BLACK TO SHOW HOW GOOD OF A ONE-LINER THAT IS, which just leaves the non-brain-dead viewers going, "Wait, why's she a bitch? She didn't do anything."

I thought that Andromeda and Perseus had much more chemistry than he had with Io.

Seriously, Gemma Whatsername has no chemistry with anyone. Whatsoever. Just remember The Prince of Persia. That chick's just a terribly bad actress, and utterly unremarkable. Bleh.

It would not have bothered me at all, had they at least stuck to canon regarding the pairing. Andromeda and Perseus made sense. Io and Perseus...not so much. Epic fail.

The Scientist wrote:

Seriously, Gemma Whatsername has no chemistry with anyone. Whatsoever. Just remember The Prince of Persia. That chick's just a terribly bad actress, and utterly unremarkable. Bleh.

In her defense, Gemma Atterton has complained quite loudly and publicly about Hollywood's treatment of female characters and women in general. Even being a blockbuster darling doesn't mean you actually get treated with respect. During the filming of Prince of Persia, she felt like she was just supposed to be there, standing and being a pretty face. I can relate to that with directors and writers who treat female characters only as a second thought.

"Ok, so your love is now dying. React to that! Do something a woman would do! Gasp or some shit! You have five seconds of screen time to show all this at once."

"Hold the phone, why am I in love with him? He's treated me like shit for the entire movie."

"Because that's the plot. Now react."

Sakurelf wrote:

The Scientist wrote:

Seriously, Gemma Whatsername has no chemistry with anyone. Whatsoever. Just remember The Prince of Persia. That chick's just a terribly bad actress, and utterly unremarkable. Bleh.

In her defense, Gemma Atterton has complained quite loudly and publicly about Hollywood's treatment of female characters and women in general.

That's, like, the complete opposite of a defense.

"I'm going to accept this gigantic paycheck for acting in this movie, but I'm going to completely phone it in because WELL HOLLYWOOD SUCKS DAMMIT."

Penguin wrote:

Sakurelf wrote:

The Scientist wrote:

Seriously, Gemma Whatsername has no chemistry with anyone. Whatsoever. Just remember The Prince of Persia. That chick's just a terribly bad actress, and utterly unremarkable. Bleh.

In her defense, Gemma Atterton has complained quite loudly and publicly about Hollywood's treatment of female characters and women in general.

That's, like, the complete opposite of a defense.

"I'm going to accept this gigantic paycheck for acting in this movie, but I'm going to completely phone it in because WELL HOLLYWOOD SUCKS DAMMIT."

My point being: You can't do well if you're not given anything to work with to begin with. (whether that means proper direction, support from other cast members, a comfortable costume, a script that's not brain dead for your character, etc) and that's not always made clear when you sign on to the movie. The experience of actually shooting the movie can vary greatly from just reading the script. Sometimes you haven't even had the chance to / aren't allowed to read the script before being cast.

People seem to think that actresses and singers who sing shitty pop songs have more options than they do.