Surprise, surprise--Heidi Montag's album flops.

To the shock of no one, Heidi Montag's album Superficial is a spectacular flop. In its first week of release it sold 658 copies. In contrast, Vampire Weekend's Contra sold 124,000 copies the same week.

During her media blitz about her staggering amount of plastic surgery, Heidi was also been bragging about her new album, about how she spent upwards of 2 million dollars of her own money on it, and how it was as good as Michael Jackson's Thriller*(!) Heidi said she expected to make back her 2 million in the first week.

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658 multiplied by the download price of $9.99 equals $6573.42. I'd feel sorry for her but she's such a deluded, self-absorbed twit that I can't bring myself to.

Click here to listen to the title track in all its make-your-ears-bleed glory. According to Superficial, we're all so jealous of Heidi because she's so sexy and famous and such a trendsetter...hey, stop laughing!!

* Do you hear that noise? That's Michael Jackson doing backflips in his grave.

Fifteen minutes ago I had no idea who these people are*; I now find them both to be utterly revolting.

The fact that so few people have bought the album goes to show that there's still some semblance of common sense in the musical tastes of the masses. Or they still haven't cracked the whole 'digital downloading' thing just yet. I hope it's the former.

*her and her goofball husband, I mean.

I didn't know it was possible to get motion sickness from a song.

Quote :

“I think it’s gonna do great,” said Montag. “I have a million Twitter followers and they’re all very excited. So that’s at least a million people right there.

But Twitter, innit kinda.... superficial? I remember when I first joined, 10 people started following me and I'm a nobody who never updates. My only post was "It's snowing!"

To my ears it sounds no different from anything else in that particular pop subgenre. The only standout is how dumb the lyrics are.

Twitter, pfft, twitter is useless, get myspace

Could somebody point me to a quick rundown of who this person is, and why I should hate them?

Lysander wrote:

Could somebody point me to a quick rundown of who this person is, and why I should hate them?

The only thing I know about her is that she's all over the MSN news whenever I log off Hotmail, wailing about how she almost died during her plastic surgery, and her doctor calling bullshit.

As far as I can tell from five minutes of googling, she's on 'The Hills' (Which was listed as a reality TV show but I'm not sure I'd qualify it as such.) And she's plastic-surgery obsessed. Like, there are 'Heidi Montag's top ten plastic surgeries' sites.

So I guess I second the 'Why should I care about a surgery-obsessed D-lister? Beyond that it's hilarious that she just blew two million of her own dollars on a CD that virtually no one bought. And the people who DID buy it were probably crazy obsessed Hills fans who had to have it for the sake of completing their collections.

Miss Prince wrote:

To my ears it sounds no different from anything else in that particular pop subgenre. The only standout is how dumb the lyrics are.

Yeah, pretty much. I'm not seeing anything here that's atypical enough to warrant the hate.

The music was average, the lyrics dumb.

I don't know who this person is either, and now I'm a little scared to Google them because of Chip's reaction.

Reidmar wrote:

Twitter, pfft, twitter is useless, get myspace

u best be trollan

I do not get the cosmetic surgery thing at all. She had all of her defining features removed, she may as well not even be a person.

Whatever. I will admit to a guilty thrill at seeing her fail, but I really do not give a damn about her either way.

Lysander wrote:

Could somebody point me to a quick rundown of who this person is, and why I should hate them?

Heidi Montag and her aptly named douchebag of a husband Spencer Pratt appear on the MTV reality series "The Hills". Since then she has become the poster child of what it means to be a shameless fame-whore. Some of Heidi's more recent greatest hits include:

• Heidi's performance at the 2009 Miss Universe Pageant which she insisted was live, even though Stevie Wonder could see that (a) she was lipsynching, and (b) she didn't even know the words.
  
• Refusing to attend her sister's birthday party unless she was paid an appearance fee. Stay classy, Heidi.
  
• Undergoing a mindboggling 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day--brow lift, botox, liposuction, breast augmentation. She's 23 years old. A few years ago she was cute and pretty. Now she's your standard assembly-line Hollywood bimbo with bolt-on porn star tits and a face that barely moves when she talks.
  

Good grief, I know waaaay more about this woman than I should but I can't help it. She's the proverbial train wreck and I can't look away. When she had the gall to compare her piece of shit album to Thriller I knew the press and the public was going to let her have it with both barrels and I was right. It's with great schadenfreude that I watch her fall flat on her new nose job.

Almost everything I know about the Pratts I learned from The Soup. But yeah, she was one of the "stars" of that MTV show (and Spencer -- he of the "creepy flesh-colored beard" -- got on it by being her boyfriend), and they've spent the last couple years trying and trying and trying to capitalize on that crumb of fame. One of the earliest clips I remember was of them on Tyra -- another common Soup target -- where Spencer said something about wanting to adopt a bunch of African babies so they could one day have their own basketball team.

Can we please stop paying this fame-whore any attention. You are unwittingly masturbating her ego just by mocking her and her douche bag of a husband. The less we talk about them the better. Sure you'll develop a brain tumor by suppressing any thoughts about them, but they fade into irrelevancy and start doing commentary on VH1 count-down specials.

Indeed, the fact that I now know that these people exist is a minor victory for them, and a crushing defeat for me.

Damn you.

Penguin wrote:

Indeed, the fact that I now know that these people exist is a minor victory for them, and a crushing defeat for me.

Damn you.

So, they're like The Game?

Saleha wrote:

Penguin wrote:

Indeed, the fact that I now know that these people exist is a minor victory for them, and a crushing defeat for me.

Damn you.

So, they're like The Game?

Nah, more like herpes.

*froths in violent rage*

Guess there's a glimmer of hope for this world yet. Although, I think her bragging about her album being better than "Thriller" was it's ultimate demise. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

tachikoma01 wrote:

As far as I can tell from five minutes of googling, she's on 'The Hills' (Which was listed as a reality TV show but I'm not sure I'd qualify it as such.) And she's plastic-surgery obsessed. Like, there are 'Heidi Montag's top ten plastic surgeries' sites.

So I guess I second the 'Why should I care about a surgery-obsessed D-lister? Beyond that it's hilarious that she just blew two million of her own dollars on a CD that virtually no one bought. And the people who DID buy it were probably crazy obsessed Hills fans Heidi and her husband who had to have it for the sake of completing their collections so they could give it to their friends and family as Christmas presents.

Fixed that for you.