A long time ago, in a Galaxy that has never heard of quotation marks.

Ahsoka in the Original Trilogy? Que?

How about Ahsoka in Original Trilogy?

As a memorial to all the lost quotation marks, much of the snarking shall be done via quoting the characters.

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Anakin Skywalker and his padawan learner Ahsoka Tano were returning from a dangerous mission on Naboo. They both were exhausted and neither of the two wanted to do any more work that day.

That was a very thrilling mission! Holy shit guys, I think I need to stop and catch my breath after all the excitement in this story! The massive battle between the galactic spaceships in orbit, the amazing last stand of those 300 clones on the cliffs above Theed, the two Jedi who fell deeply in love on the field of battle, were surrounded, and held each other longingly before they made their last, desperate suicidal charge against the droid army. . . and that lightsaber duel! Holy crap, that was right out of Crouching Tiger, but with the Force! I nearly came in my pants when Anakin climbed up that massive waterfall and cut two of General Grevious' arms off! Wow. Just . . . wow. That shit is so exciting that, for your own good, the author isn't going to write about any of it. Your little hearts just couldn't take it.

Instead, here is a story about Anakin falling asleep on the couch afterwards. Enjoy.

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So Anakin decided to go visit his friend Padme. Two Jedi took a cab and flew towards her apartment.

"Master? We have ships. Why don't we just fly there, and save ourselves the cab fare?"

"GUUUUH . . . SHUTUPI'MSOFUCKIN'TIRED."

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-Hello Anakin.

She hugged him and only then realized that Anakin came with another person.

-And who are you, little one?

-My name is Ahsoka Tano; I am a padawan learner to Anakin Skywalker.

-Congratulations Anakin. I did not realize that you have a padawan now.

"What? Is that some kind of joke?"

Both Ahsoka and Padmé frowned at Anakin's question.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you've already met. Don't you remember?"

Both replied with blank stares.

"Two months ago? At the Separatist biological warfare lab we uncovered? You were both exposed to contagion, and almost died. I'd think you'd remember it."

Padmé scratched her chin. "I remember a lab . . . ."

"It was horribly painful? Obi-Wan and I had to fly across the entire Galaxy to find a cure? You nearly died in each other's arms? You called it one of the most powerful bonding experiences of your entire life?! Ring any bells?"

"Nope!"

"There is no emotion . . . there is no emotion . . . there is no emotion. . . . ."

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-It was a tough one but we beat the droid army and captured their droid commander. However, that mission went badly on my troops, many died including. –Anakin sighed- including my second in command Captain Rex. Many droids jumped on him and…-he paused-I better not continue on that matter.

"Suffice it to say, clones do not make good trampolines."

:whisper: "Why is he narrating, instead of sighing?"

:whisper: "Sorry, Senator. I think the stress of the war is getting to him."

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A comlink blipped and Anakin saw that it was Obi Wan.

"Anakin, why is your ringtone 'I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie?'"

"Sorry, Padmé. That's the one that it makes when Obi-Wan calls."

"Why?"

"Well, we were assigned on Nal Hutta togther for a little while, and let's just say that I saw him do things I'd rather forget."

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-Anakin is listening

-Hello Anakin, this is Obi Wan. I was told by the Council that they think that your padawan learner is ready for trials. What do you think?

-Well, Master, she improved a lot but still she needs more perfection

"Couldn't we all use a little more perfection? You could personally stand to be slightly more absolutely without flaw, yourself, Master."

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Meanwhile Padme asked Ahsoka if she wanted to try to cook some food. Young Jedi liked the idea and the two ladies cooked for an hour or so. Soon they returned with dinner and the three sat at a table.

-Thank you for this delicious meal-said Anakin- it is really good

-Thank you Master, I tried. We never had cooking lessons really in the temple so I did not know what really to do but Senator Amidala helped me.

"So, what do you call this stuff anyway, Padmé?"

"Instant ramen noodles. They . . . uh . . . don't have many cooking lessons in the Galactic Senate, either."

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-Hey Snips, can you trust with a secret?

-Of course Master, why would not I?

"Took a laser blast to the head in the battle, huh?"

"Me lose brain? Uh-oh!"

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-Ok Ahsoka, Padme and I are not just friends; we are actually been married for a couple of years.

-Wow master, how could you! You can be expelled from the Order!

-I knew that you will never think highly of me again.

-On the contrary I admire you even more now. You showed courage in disobeying the Council by doing what you thought was right.

"You're absolutely right, Ahsoka. I have strong moral convictions about banging hot, wealthy brunettes."

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-Lets open this bottle to celebrate a new victory for the Republic-said Padme

"Whelp, guess I'm gonna get my 13 year old padawan drunk."

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She opened the bottle and put some drink into the glass, but Ahsoka was faster and took the cup and drank it all at once (not the whole bottle- the cup). Suddenly, Ahsoka fell on floor and was looking badly.

"The ruffies are taking effect!"

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Anakin did not know what to do. He contacted Obi Wan and said that his padawan is very sick. Padme helped Anakin to pick Ahsoka and they brought her in a cub.

"UGGGH! Y'know Ani, you could carry her by yourself. Hell, you could lift her with your mind. Why are you making me help?"

"Because I'm incredibly lazy. You're paying my cab fare, right? Jedi kind of don't have any money."

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Bariss Offee was sleeping in her room and enjoying her dream. Suddenly, she got woken by Luminara and was little bit angry because it was night time.

"I'M TRYING TO FUCKIN' SLEEP! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO ACHIEVE FUCKIN' INNER PEACE WITHOUT ANY FUCKIN' SLEEP?! WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO DOZE THE FUCK OFF DURING MY FUCKING MEDIATION ON THE FUCKING ENERGY THAT FUCKING BINDS ALL FUCKING LIVING THINGS TOGETHER IN A SINGLE FUCKIN' HARMONIOUS WHOLE?! FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M GOIN' DARKSIDE! SITH DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT!"

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-This bottle has very dangerous venom in it. Person who drank it would die in 24 hours.

Ahsoka felt very sad.

Anakin started acting like crazy and then he dropped on the ground.

"I just wanted to get laid tonight! Just once! It's been forever! We were on the same planet, and everything, and my stupid padawan had to go and get herself poisoned!"

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-So you are saying I am dying, Knight Offee?

Ahsoka cried. She wanted to become a Jedi all her life and now she was dying.

"If only Senator Amidala didn't keep a bottle of instant horrible death in a wine bottle her kitchen, for some reason!"

Excellent sporking, Lysander. I can't wait to see what contrived plot device gets Ahsoka to the time of the Original Trilogy.

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"If only Senator Amidala didn't keep a bottle of instant horrible death in a wine bottle her kitchen, for some reason!"

Well, a Senator's always gotta be prepared, right?

Maybe it's there in case the Seperatists try to kidnap her again. "Oh, okay, you're about to drag me off to be held hostage and possibly raped by General Grievous or Dooku or Nute Gunray or that purple Hutt. Well, okay, maybe not the purple Hutt. Want some wine before we go?"

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Millenium Falcon was flying in space.

This is a good sign!

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The battle of Yavin has just ended and Rebels were very happy with their victory. Luke learned that Emperor would be out from capital for a week, so that it provided them an opportunity to get to Coruscant. The ship flew to the capital and descended in its atmosphere. Funny enough, there were no guard ships present there because Emperor had a lot of hubris and he could not possibly imagine that a small Rebel ship would go to the capital.

"What is thy bidding, my master?"

"The Rebels have destroyed the Death Star, killing millions and denying us the use of the ultimate weapon that we spent twenty years preparing for. The blockade around Yavin 4 goes poorly, as more and more Rebels slip through. The Alliance has grown exponentially since the destruction of the Death Star, and no end to this conflict is in sight. Our government is in chaos, as the dissolution of the Imperial Senate takes effect. Prepare to abandon the capital!"

". . . why? They aren't here."

"What? No, no. Not to the Rebels. I was thinking about taking everyone on vacation!"

"What?"

"NUDE BEACHES OF ZELTROS, HERE I COME!"

"But my master, there are no women or homosexuals in the Imperial Navy."

"What's your point?"

"I'm uncertain that the all-male, all-heterosexual Counscant Home Fleet would want to spend the weekend naked on a beach together. That is simply not how they would want to spend their vacation."

"It's not their vacation. It's mine."

". . . sometimes, I think I died when I fell into that lava pit."

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The crew, which consisted of Luke, Leia, Han and Chewy as well as two droids, went to see the ruins of the Jedi Temple. There were no guards standing there because Vader thought that only Obi Wan was alive and he killed his former Master just a few days ago.

"So, I guess we've taken Courscant? Does that mean we just won the war?"

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The crew, which consisted of Luke, Leia, Han and Chewy as well as two droids, went to see the ruins of the Jedi Temple. There were no guards standing there because Vader thought that only Obi Wan was alive and he killed his former Master just a few days ago.

"Chewie, you can load the Falcon up with priceless artifacts. Han, you take the lightsabers and Jedi training equipment. Leia, go see if there's a functioning computer in the Archives, and copy everything on it. I think I'll go loot the Grand Holocron Chamber. We'll be as rich as kings!"

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After a walk in the library Luke spotted a big box, which looked like a coffin although it was not one. It was a glass container and the group saw that a person was lying in there. It was a Togruta girl and she was immobile. Only after a better check did the group see that the girl was in a frozen state.

"Look guys! I found a free slave just laying in the library! This place rocks!"

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-Han, could you help me lift her? I think she was imprisoned here in this freezer.

"She couldn't possibly have been imprisoned in there for a reason, so let's just take her out. She might know where we can find more valuables to steal!"

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Men agreed and carried the girl to the Falcon. Han Solo decided that he saw enough of this planet and they all left to Polis Mossa.

"She must be terribly injured to have been left in stasis."

"Should we call an ambulance?"

"Nah, let's fly her halfway across the galaxy for a while, and then call an ambulance."

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-Hello, my name is Ahsoka Tano, I am a Jedi.

"Which explains why you found me in the Jedi Temple, and why I have a lightsaber, and why I'm wearing these padawan beads . . . I'm sorry, one of the side effects of the poison is the inability to quit stating the incredibly obvious."

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-Hello, my name is Ahsoka Tano, I am a Jedi. Could you please tell me where am I? This place does not look like Coruscant.

"Ugggggh, this is the last time I drink anything Anakin gives me."

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-Last time I was awake I was in the last year of Clone Wars.

"At least, that's what Chancellor Palpatine told me. Isn't it funny how he acts like he knows when the war is going to end, as if he was somehow in control of it? Hey, wait . . . ."

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-So you were frozen for about twenty years. Why were you frozen originally?

"I ate a piece of poisonous Fugu fish that had been prepared improperly, and it's poison left me with only 24 hours to live."

"Isn't that an episode of the Simpsons?"

"Yeah, but it makes as much sense as what actually happened."

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-All Jedi were killed. Only Obi Wan and Yoda survived as he told me. I really hope that someone survived as well.

"Didn't the Battle of Yavin just recently end? How the hell do you know about Yoda? You don't find out about him until Episode V!"
:whisper: "Shh, it's a plot hole."

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-I will miss him always. He was the best Maser ever.

When it came to Microwave Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, nobody beat Anakin Skywalker!

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-I was also said Ahsoka when I heard that because he was my father. My name is Luke Skywalker.

-You are his son? Well, how silly of me, you look so much alike.

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"Essentially identical!"

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-Hey, what is your name?

-My name is Leia Organa

-You look like a Senator I knew. Her name was Padme Amidala. I don’t know if she is alive know but probably Darth Vader killed her too. She would be very anti Imperial.

Ahsoka looked in the force. Then she realized a thing.

"OH GOD YOU KISSED LUKE?!"

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-Luke, Leia is your twin sister!

"SICK, MAN! SICK!"

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The two were surprised. They could not imagine that they were twins.

FOUR YEARS LATER:

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BEN: that is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous.

LUKE
Leia! Leia's my sister.

BEN
Your insight serves you well.


LUKE
The Force is strong in my family. My father has it . . . I have it . . . and . . . my sister has it. Yes. It's you Leia.

LEIA
I know. Somehow . . . I've always known.

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-Luke, would you like me to be your Jedi Master?-Ahsoka asked-

"Awesome! 14 years old, and I already got me an apprentice! Take that, thousands of years of tradition! Okay Padawan, your first lesson is to buy me liquor and cigarettes . . . ."

Re: Last Post
I bottle of Jabba's "Special Reserve", & a packet of 20 Deathsticks later...

"Well done, my padawan... You have learned your first lesson well.
(Ashoka hands Luke a broom) Your second lesson is to clean the floor using this..."