CleverUsername's Callous Collection of Crap: Someone who is

So perhaps you've noticed a new user floating around lately. Perhaps you've thought to yourself, "Well that guy sure is mildly/rather annoying but he seems dim and harmless enough"; or perhaps you're like me, with a low tolerance for memememe bullshit that he's crashed a few threads with.

Well naturally my chronic and increasingly creepy INTERNET DETECTIVE powers I decided to find out more about this apparently innocuous nuisance, as they usually yield hilarious results that get to the root of this forum's purpose: making fun of a child's horrid fanfiction and scribbles.

I wasn't wrong.

Because I found this

Look at this. This is the deviant art of someone who thinks they pass for 34 years old on this forum and 20 on his mediocre to crap newgrounds page.

How old is he really?

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LOVELY. Does your mother know you're on here, young man!

But how did this little fuck find this site?

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GOSH HE LOOKS FAMILIAR DON'T YOU THINK?

As if the avatar weren't enough to tip you off, this guy is also another furry fuck that unskilled thought would be kewl and l33t or whatever the fuck these losers call each other anymore. Just look through his favorites. He has a hard on for gay sonic art (Even though lesbianism is wrong!!!!!), in particular SonicxTails. Ew.

But Mafiosa, you say, you're a dumb shit. This is NEW RELEASES and it is for text only!

Well thankfully this bro has graced us with vomited an assortment of chunky, rank literary goodness.

Behold. Tails' Murderous Adventure

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I just stared at the pile of the bodies

Starting off with some sentence structure as awkward as CleverUsername is around girls!

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Navigating though the sprawled-out carcasses of my ex-friends, I found the still-living disfigure that was Sonic.

Judges?

dictionary wrote:

Verb


S: (v) deface, disfigure, blemish (mar or spoil the appearance of)

I'm sorry, no points awarded. Nice try though.

Quote :

I had burnt him so that all of his body that was skin was blood-red and
blistered, and 99% of what was once fur was charred black.

Trust me, it's 99%. I calculated this shit out.
Alternate response: But it's the seven herbs and spices that make him finger lickin' good!

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“Tails…” he groaned, his body enveloped in delicious pain. “Why did you do this?”
“Because it was fun,” I said, kicking him.

Oh hey, I saw The Dark Knight too.

Tails then kills a baby because he's THAT HARDCORE.

Quote :

Subsequently, I visited Shadow’s remains. As he suddenly made a slow
move to reach for a gun that lay a few inches out of his reach, I
stomped on his hand.

LOGIC FAIL: remains can't move. Drop the thesaurus and back away with your hands up.
Also, why is there a gun there for no fucking reason.

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With that, I took his gun, aimed the barrel at his head, and eradicated him.

GODDAMMIT LET GO OF THE THESAURUS

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The alleyway I turned into next is where I’m currently hiding, drenched
in blood, with nothing but a .45mm pistol, my tails, combat knife, and
my laptop…

"Hey guys I just killed all my friends and now the cops are trailing me am I cool now"- FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATED 13 MINUTES AGO
"Also: I need a shower"-FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATED 12 MINUTES AGO

Thankfully, that bit of stupidity was blissfully short, but how about the POEM that barely RHYMES or have a METER but is somehow still a poem. Tails' poem

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I’ve killed my true love
I’ve killed my best friend
My life has been Hell
And soon it will end

Imagine a very scrawny preteen reading this aloud in front of his class, teacher shaking his head in embarrassment while pouring a little more scotch into his coffee under his desk.

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If it had not have been
For a Hedgehog, who found me in a tree
Sonic saved me, the kind one he was
From Rotorbink Disease when I was 3

METER WHAT'S THAT. FUCK IT, IT RHYMES. HOMEWORK'S DONE MOM

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As I suddenly snapped
And turned against my friends
I murdered them all
And my will did not bend

OH COME ON

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As I hold myself at gunpoint
I can’t help but wonder:
Why, God, oh why
Have you created this blunder?

Oh my god, this could be our battle cry.

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Goodbye to all,
And I apologize
You will no longer be intimidated
By this Fox’s cold eyes.

More like "You will no longer be intimidated
By these awful forced rhymes"

I'm a natural, gimme favs.

There's a handful of other stupid goodies here, but I must admit I'm of two minds right now. I relish finding this sort of horrible, inexcusable crap, especially from members of a bad fanfiction forum (Not that CleverUsername would know, he and his buddies use this place as their personal dumping grounds for thier shit and the shit of other demanding heaps of praise be shat on them) and CU's annoyance is mostly explained by that fact that he is a dumb kid trying to play with the grown ups but at the same time this is a 13 year old and, while I may be heartless, cruel, manipulative, brash, crude and spiteful, I can hear the tiny screeching howl of my conscience telling me that there's something vaguely wrong about this. Most of us were underage on GAFF and can sympathize with the stupidity that is natural at that age but at the same time this kid should have 1. Known the damn rules and 2. Probably not been such an attention whore.

So eh, despite myself I'm posting this anyway.

Also, unskilled you hang out with underage furries you sick fuck.

That explains everything.

Enjoy your five new assholes, kid. Wait, you can't- your momma will ground you and take away your internet! In any case, leave those assholes to fester for 5 years, come back, and we'll think of something. Until then, are you really 13?

You're supposed to be 18 to join, idjit.

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I just stared at the pile of the bodies, most dead, of my ex-friends that lay before me with a strange little smirk on my face.

I really can't make fun of this- it's like an angsty cry for help, the wail of a 13 year old full of angst, and likely doesn't have any friends IRL. It's an awkward age, I hated being 13. But it doesn't keep this from being any less fucked up.

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I didn’t care what I had done, oh no. There was unfinished business to attend to.

*zip*

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“Tails…” he groaned, his body enveloped in delicious pain. “Why did you do this?”
“Because it was fun,” I said, kicking him.

No, no it's not you little shit. Get it to your head now- the Joker's not cool at all.

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His reaction, which was coughing up a delightful spurt of blood, some of which landed on my shoes, widened my smirk.

How the fuck can hurting someone be delightful you sick piece of shit? Get it to your head, no wonder you don't have RL friends, no wonder you're awkward in real life. Take it from me, I was 13 once. Get out of this fandom while you still can, get off the computer and go play outside.

Quote :

How annoying. I wrapped my tails around his neck and gave them a sharp twist, resulting in a lovely crunch as his neckline snapped, and he was silenced.

HURR BECAUSE HE'S DEAD.

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Subsequently, I visited Shadow’s remains. As he suddenly made a slow move to reach for a gun that lay a few inches out of his reach, I stomped on his hand.

You sick, twisted son of a bitch. Don't treat death as if it was nothing like that, killing's not something you should take pride in doing.

Quote :

The alleyway I turned into next is where I’m currently hiding, drenched in blood, with nothing but a .45mm pistol, my tails, combat knife, and my laptop… But what’s the use for that? I’ll just throw it away.

Oh, but why? Your mommy is a download Nazi and you're going to need your own computer to access your furry porn and hang around other sick fucks like Unskilled78

ONLY THE SICK FUCKS UNDERSTAND MEEE

Quote :

Why did I do it? Well, I was telling the truth to Sonic. It's fun... Heh heh heh. Maybe I could go for Eggman next...

I don't care if you're 13, if anyone was like this in real life, I'd beat some sense into them. Part of me feels nothing but pity for this moronic sack of shit because he's 13. But I never wrote crap like this- sure it was crap, but it wasn't twisted, demented, and hinting that you need to occupy your time with more positive things. The internet isn't a kind place, kid- it's a celebration of everything that's fucked up- and you have to understand....

Oh wait, what am I doing, trying to level with a furry.
Yiff in hell, furfag. You have a long life ahead of you, might as well plant that hand firmly on that 3 inch cock of yours and get started.

And come here to defend yourself, you finally have a thread to call your own. OH WAIT ISN'T IT PAST YOUR BEDTIME? GET UNDER THE COVERS AND WAAAAANK

Not CleverUsername, but an equally shitty piece by his friend Ultima.

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The chains held me and forced me to watch as my own father had his way with my girl before taking his sweet time in killing her and topping it off by destroying her soul.

Lolwut.

A review:

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The darkest thing I have ever read. and the words....they ring so sweetly in my ears. that how I feel...just empty...a shell...that's all...an empty sarcophagus.

OH THE HUMANITY

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The alleyway I turned into next is where I’m currently hiding, drenched
in blood, with nothing but a .45mm pistol, my tails, combat knife, and
my laptop…

How do you fire a gun that small? With tweezers?

Penguin wrote:

Quote :

The alleyway I turned into next is where I’m currently hiding, drenched
in blood, with nothing but a .45mm pistol, my tails, combat knife, and
my laptop…

How do you fire a gun that small? With tweezers?

I would say, "Oh, but clearly it is a flechette pistol," except this kid is a fucking moron. Also, I know the first thing I grab when I want to go on a murderous rampage is my laptop. I mean, what's the point of killing someone if you don't blog and write shitty poetry about it immediately afterward? "BlUd DrIpS fRuM mAi ReD sTaNeD fInGuRs~~*... MaI sOwUl Iz LiEk BlAcK iCe.. hey guyz i told u i wuz hardkore"

You being m33333n, Mafi?

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A tiny, once-purple hedgehog was my next stop, one named Charge, Amy and Sonic’s son, and he was crying rather loudly. How annoying. I wrapped my tails around his neck and gave them a sharp twist, resulting in a lovely crunch as his neckline snapped, and he was silenced.

HARDCORE!!!

Hot Cancer wrote:

You being m33333n, Mafi?

I can say with complete and utter certainty that I am getting coal tomorrow.

WHY DID HE GO ON HIS DUMB KILLING SPREE?!

So far the only reason I can see is to write and recite angsty poetry - BAD poetry, btw - before blowing your head off.

Tails, WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!

It's the sort of thing that seems edgy and cool when you're 13.
(Well, for some 13-year olds.)

What's amusing is they have a character like Tails act like this.

Yeah, at least it's CANON that Shadow goes around blowing the shit out of things.

Is this the guy that keeps appearing and making one line comments that are like, super edgy and shit?
Oh dear. Merry Christmas, child. Gawwwwh, he even did a 'Creatures of Myth' personality test! Vampire, natch, because that is soooo dark.

This is why /b/ died, isn't it.

Also WE AWAIT YOU, SIRIUS-THE-WOLF.

Also also, what the dick Skillet?

Nihilist wrote:

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“Tails…” he groaned, his body enveloped in delicious pain. “Why did you do this?”
“Because it was fun,” I said, kicking him.

No, no it's not you little shit. Get it to your head now- the Joker's not cool at all.

I wouldn't worry about this - those who don't have the guts to do, post on dA about it, after all. The real crime is how boring, lazy, and derivative this is, and how it's reliant solely on a cheap gimmick to try to produce any kind of reaction from the audience. It's the textual equivalent of using MSPaint to add poorly-drawn penises to official artwork and being like "lololol 'adult theemz' look how edgy i am gaise".

Dear God, I wouldn't go back and be 13 again if you paid me. Kids take themselves so seriously at that age, it's a wonder most of them live to grow up.

Oh baby honey, I remember how naive and stupid I was when I was your age, and I say this with all sincerity: There is still a chance. Get out of the Sonic fandom. You will never regret it. Or if you stay in it, stay away from other fans. It's the failiest, batshit craziest fandom out there, get out while you still can. And take this thread like a man and accept that you did something wrong, it's the most mature way to deal with it and it's much more impressive than throwing a BAAAAW fit. Trust me on this one.

The real blame here, of course, falls on Unskilled. Way to go you creepy inappropriate fuck, way to fucking invite an underage kid to a board where we regularly discuss horrible porn with little to no warning. You are an asshole and an idiot and I wish you would just leave already. Ultima, stop hanging out with Unskilled. He is terrible to women and he will forever taint your social skills. I'm not kidding, do not listen to anything he tries to teach you.

Phew...the Sonic fandom is such a black hole of creepiness. I mean, A Sorceror, A Demon, And Emeralds was bad enough, and it just keeps going. What the hell is wrong with Sonic fans, anyway?

Because you asked for it, Mafi!

I present my sporking of CleverUsername's "Coming Out" fic.

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Sonic and Tails were, as usual, frolicking and playing in a meadow in the majestic forests of the Mystic Ruins. Tails, however, was troubled. But he did a good job of masking his troubles as he rolled and tackled Sonic.

Unfortunately, his raging boner was harder to hide.

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Going back to why Tails was troubled... The fox's hormones had begun to act up. He had “accidents” in his sleep every few nights

He pees his bed?

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(which no one knew about but him) and began having feelings for a certain person... It is here where we come to the problem:

Which would be this fic.

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That person was Sonic.

Oh well, the above was an educated guess, wasn't it?

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“Sonic?” he called from his room. “Can you come in here a minute?” Sonic was standing in the doorway of the small room in moments.

“Yeah? What is it, lil' bro?”

Yeah, that doesn't make this scenario any creepier at all, does it.

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Tails began to sweat. “Well, uh... I-” He stumbled over his worlds as Sonic gave his 'I'm waiiiiiiiiiting~' look that he always gave. “Uh... Sonic... I love you!” he blurted out and immediately looked to the floor, blushing heavily.

Sonic frowned. “Well, of course you do, lil' buddy. I love you too. You know that.”

Tails shook his head. “No... I mean.... I... I really love you. Like... Like boys love girls; that kind of love.”

"Like... boner-love, Sonic! I love you thiiiiiis much!" *tugs on dick, stretching it*

Quote :

Sonic grasped his brother's shoulder. “No. Listen, Tails. You are not a freak. It's perfectly okay to like other guys. Sure, not many others do, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.” He grabbed Tails' face and turned it toward him. “Listen to me. Love whoever you want to. To tell the truth... The real reason that I run from Amy... Is that I love you, too.”

Um, then maybe you should tell her that, Sonic.

Quote :

Tails was shocked. “R-Really?” he asked, sniffling. “You really mean it?”

Sonic guffawed. "Ah, hell no, kid; it's just a bullshit explanation the author of this fic pulled out of his tookus!"

"AAAAHGGGHHH!" Tails screamed, and ran away to craaaaawl in his skiiiiiin some more.

... Unfortunately, the above does not really happen in the fic, and they end up kissing.

Quote :

They eagerly explored each other's mouths, pushing as deep as they could, their game of tonsil hockey only ending when they needed air.

...Tonsil hockey? I think that's going a little deep. How long are their tongues, anyway? And wouldn't that trigger a gag reflex.

Hell, I know the thought of Sonic-sex has already triggered mine.

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“I've read some books... And it says that sometimes, people like us... They... Uh...” Sonic nodded.

"They yiff in Hell, Tails. That's what they do."

Quote :

LEMON ALERT – SONTAILS – LEMON ALERT

AWWWOOGAH AWWWOOGAH MAN YOUR BATTLESTATIONS, SNARKERS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. EVEN THOUGH SONIC'S BEING DRILLED...

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Sonic and Tails both kicked off their shoes, tossing them aside. They kissed passionately once again as Tails reached down, feeling for Sonic's growth that was beginning to poke out of his fur. Upon contact, Sonic's eyes widened, and he gasped. “Ah!” he breathed. “Tails... Th-That feels so good...” Tails broke the kiss and knelt down, conviently at about mouth level to his erection, which, under Tails' administrations, had grown to a good 8 inches.

HEDGEHOG DOOMCOCK, Y'ALL

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Tails cautiously stuck his tongue out, running it over his partner's head, swirling it around and moistening the entire tip. He moved on to lick around the sides, down under, and back up the sides, until he had effectively covered Sonic's member in natural lubrication. Satisfied, he positioned his mouth at the head and, without warning, engulfed the entire thing in his mouth, bobbing up and down.

How the hell is a virgin doing deep-throating at first try? A virgin with sharp teeth, no less.

Anyway, Sonic then gives Tails head. Heh. Tails... Head... Tails? Geddit?

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Sonic continued, faster and faster, until he got the first tastes of pre. He squeezed the last drop out of him and laid him down on the bed.

What, is Tails a cow being milked? Is he mooing dangerously?

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He positioned his entrance at Tails' erection, mounting him slowly, grunting in slight pain as he slid onto him.

“Oh! Sonic... This is incredible... Please, go faster...” Sonic slid up and down after he got used to it, and was amazed at the feeling when he slid himself down so that he hit his prostate, making him scream in pleasure. He pounded down on Tails, bouncing on him, up and down.

“Tails... I'm gonna- Nraagh!” He cried out, slowing down as he tensed in orgasm, shooting his seed all over Tails' chest. “Oh... Tails... That was amazing... You have to finish too... I know just how to do it.”

If Tails is a virgin, and he's the one penetrating, he should be done by now. Honestly.

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“Tails, I'm- I'm gonna come again-”

“Me too, Sonic... Aaaah!”

^The above is when WGWers burst into the scene and brutally, mercilessly killed the Pod!canon characters.

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They both screamed in climax and Tails collapsed on top of the blue hedgehog as both fell limp on the floor.

*THUD*

I will wade into the murkiest political battles and fight to the bitter end.

I will battle trolls and other internet dreck with the intensity of a raging berserker.

But this is no way in hell I would wade into Sonic fandom - there are way too many of those folks who are just not right.

I must tip my cap in salute to those who do slog in and do this dirty, dirty business.

Delcat wrote:

The real blame here, of course, falls on Unskilled. Way to go you creepy inappropriate fuck, way to fucking invite an underage kid to a board where we regularly discuss horrible porn with little to no warning. You are an asshole and an idiot and I wish you would just leave already. Ultima, stop hanging out with Unskilled. He is terrible to women and he will forever taint your social skills. I'm not kidding, do not listen to anything he tries to teach you.

After checking out some links Mafi has put up here and the chatbox, I am concluding that Unskilled is meeting these underaged kids at Garry's Mod. It makes sense since on one site CleverUsername is on, he linked to his page or membership or whatever on Garry's Mod. I remember Unskilled saying before that it's basically his new addiction. Way to go, Skillet.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Yeah, at least it's CANON that Shadow goes around blowing the shit out of things.

Didn't you write a fic where Tails rapes Amy

First of all... That as written a long time ago.

Second... Bye. *gets the fuck out*

CleverUsername wrote:

First of all... That as written a long time ago.

Deviant for one year? Then you're 14, or you were 12 last year. Not that much of a difference.

Nihilist wrote:

CleverUsername wrote:

First of all... That as written a long time ago.

Deviant for one year? Then you're 14, or you were 12 last year. Not that much of a difference.

He gives his age here as 34. Multiply 3x4 and what do you get?