The Last Dances with Ferngully's Samurai Wolves in Space (wo

Oh yes. I went there.

As many of you probably know, James Cameron's Avatar is currently the film over which critics and audiences alike are jizzing their pants. Before I get to my sporking, I'll preface it with two points: One, it is visually astounding. I've never seen anything like it before and it's especially spectacular in digital 3D. Two, while I do take issue with its preachy green aesop, it is not because I'm not environmentally friendly--I am the woman that buys vegan shampoo and eats cheese free of growth hormones. I'll explain why I take issue with this movie's particular green aesop later in the review.

Avatar is a film that could be used to demonstrate that throwing money at something doesn't automatically make it better. $313 million, 12 years, 0 engaging plot or interesting characters. Let's take it from the top:

The movie opens with a voice-over narration by Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic space marine on his way to the planet Pandora. This incredibly dull blank slate of a character (imagine a male Bella Swan) explains that he is taking his late brother's place in the titular Avatar program. The humans are mining for "unobtainium" on Pandora, which is worth $20 million per kilo back on Earth. Why is it worth $20 million? What is it used for? Oh, right. Thoroughly uninteresting macguffin.

Problem? Pandora is inhabited by the Na'vi (blue people), who are understandably hostile to the humans trying to rape their planet and, according to the big bad marine corporal, are "very hard to kill". I guess I'll just have to take his word for it since later in the movie the Na'vi are easily mowed down by human guns.

Jake arrives at the avatar lab. This is where we meet Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver), a whiskey-drinking, cigarette smoking tough scientist. I like Grace. If they spent any time developing her character I might even care about her, too! The avatar program is a way for humans to take the mind of a Na'vi "avatar" body that they can use to get to know and understand the alien race and attempt to negotiate with them. This is actually a fascinating concept. Where did the bodies come from? Do they only have brains when humans inhabit them? Can humans do this with other species? These questions remain totally unacknowledged.

Jake loves his new body. It is actually fun to watch a paraplegic enjoy full physical mobility again. He gets lost on a mission because of some alien space dinosaur thing chasing him off. Because he is a dumbass. The movie doesn't really make it clear why they need the brother of the person originally intended to inhabit the avatar--why not hire someone more qualified? We're left to assume it's DNA-related.

A ferocious space creature tries to eat Jake, but then a female smurfycat played by a motion-capture Zoe Saldana rescues him and kills the animal (but not before crying over it first because she is so close to the earth nature!) He is obviously smitten and senses an opportunity to carry out his mission. She tells him to piss off, but then some admittedly beautiful CGI "pure spirits" that resemble floating white sea anemones. Because he has such a "strong heart" :headshot: smurfycat Neytiri decides to take him back to her tribe and try to make him a protegee of sorts for the tribe.

Do you know where this is going! I sure do! And I'm going to continue this thorough sporking after dinner. NO SUPRISES HAPPEN IN THE COURSE OF HIS MOVIE. But I'm going to tell you what happens and why it's so bad. To be continued...

Achtung Baby wrote:

The humans are mining for "unobtainium" [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] on Pandora, which is worth $20 million per kilo back on Earth. Why is it worth $20 million? What is it used for?

"Did you know that just one Smurf-berry is enough to power the school for six months? One Smurf-berry!"

Color me unsurprised that James Cameron would make a bloated, formulaic, dull retread of a movie who~s only selling point is (he hopes) jizz-worthy special effects.

The story was pretty cliche, but I spent the whole movie going "IT'S FULL OF SHINY THINGS". =_=

Raine wrote:

The story was pretty cliche, but I spent the whole movie going "IT'S FULL OF SHINY THINGS". =_=

. . .

You people in Australia have the talking pictures too?

AND HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE AN A-BABY TO EAT DINNER GOD DAMN IT?! :redangry:

Alright, Mikey, I'm back from dinner. Dinner is a long-drawn out affair in our household involving wine and chocolate. Plus I had to do the dishes. And watch the Nostalgia Critic for like an hour. On with the sporking!

I left off with Jake going off with Neytiri. There's this scene where she parades him around in front of the tribe and they're losing their shit because he's a human avatar. In an appalling display of awkward cultural unawareness, Jake learns that the angry chief is Neytiri's father. The chief clearly wants Jake's head on a stick, but since Jake wants in the daughter's string and bead pants so badly, he tries to shake her father's hand. Is this somehow supposed to make him relatable?

The Na'vi decide to procede with assimilating Jake into their culture. We see a training montage of him jumping around, hunting, talking about the astoundingly original concept of "energy and life flowing through all things". The viewer is also treated to his human video logs and more big bad corporate/military scheming.

Jake eventually has to prove his manhood by bonding with a flying dragon creature in a sequence that is perhaps the only immersive one in the film. Honestly, I got sucked into it, obvious "majestic" music and all. After this, Jake goes through some sort of confirmation ritual, and then goes off to the magical prayer tree with Neytiri. Cue smurfycat sex which apparently also "mates" them for life.

Remember how I mentioned big bad military scheming? Yes? Well, Jake and the viewer have been aware of this the whole time. Instead of carrying out his mission (which is to negotiate the Na'vi into relocating), he stays completely silent until the bulldozer interrupts his morning afterglow with Neytiri. He breaks the cameras on the thing and they manage to stall it while running back to the rest of the tribe, where Jake promptly and unnecessarily blows his cover by ADMITTING THAT HE KNEW ABOUT THE PLAN THE WHOLE TIME. He tries to make them move, no avail.

So far, the viewer has been asked to empathize with a character who is so dazzled by his new surroundings that he jeopardizes the lives of the beings around him that he supposedly so adores. Sensible, non?

Colonel Big Bad's main motivation is to be as much of a bastard as he can be. Honestly. The viewer never gets a sense of what makes him tick and why he is hellbent on being so destructive. He's just evil for evil's sake. His aggression combined with corporate greed causes him to, for whatever reason, override the authority of the scientists he played a part in hiring and leading an assault on the Na'vi sacred tree.

The assault on the tree is clearly designed to be 9/11 for the Na'vi. It is supposed to be emotional and upsetting. It falls flat on its face for two reasons:
1)It begs the question "why"? Honestly? Why do the humans need to destroy the tree so badly? We guess there's unobtainium in the vicinity but why that tree and why is destroying it the only way to get it?
2) The Na'vi, well, just aren't that likeable. The viewer never feels emotionally attached to them. More on this later.

It's worth noting that prior to this scene, Dr. Grace, in a desperate bid to prevent the attack, tells Colonel Big Bad that the entire planet is connected through some sort of electrochemical gradient that collects thoughts, spirits, information. This is another fascinating scientific and ethical concept that is barely explored. Instead of really creatively working with this, the film pulls a "OMG ALL LIFE BLAH ENERGY BLAH MOTHER GODDESS EARTH BLAH BLAH BLAH".

After the small group of humans- Grace, Jake, a couple of nerdy dudes, and a helicopter pilot played by Michelle Rodriguez- attempt to sabotage the attack and make their intentions known, they wind up in jail, and escape on Michelle's helicopter- but not before Big Bad shoots Grace. They find the Na'vi chanting in a prayer garden that seems vaguely to be the center of the electrochemical network or some shit. They unsuccessfully try to move the dying Grace's soul from her irreparably damaged human body to her Na'vi avatar. No dice for them!

Aaand the time for the climax has come? What will happen? You probably know the answer but I'll fill you in on it tomorrow. Before I sign off, I'll explain exactly why I don't particularly care for the Na'vi or the way they're portrayed. And this is all before their jaw-droppingly uncompassionate actions at the end of the film.
1) For such a peaceful creature, Neytiri sure seemed ready to off Jake when she first met him.
2) They're xenophobic and entirely impossible to negotiate with even when the humans ("sky people") are desperately trying.
3) Hive mind much? They basically all have the same personality: fiery, aggressive, and honestly, not all that bright. Frankly, I'm sick of the whole "noble primitive savage" angle.

That's all for tonight, folks. Tomorrow it's on to the visually stunning and logically impaired finale.

Attention people - being rare doesn't make something valuble. I mean, it sure helps, but it needs to be either really pretty or really useful too. Like diamonds, or oil.

Atchung, are you serious? Do they really never tell us what Unobtainium (good name, guys) is used for?

Also, why are humans portrayed to be the good guys? You know, apart from the corporate bastards? If on another planet some aliens decided how rare oil is and wanted it and told us to relocate, would we just up and leave? Jesus CHRIST we're bastards.

(goes to Wiki) What, only five Na'vi ever tamed a dragon? And this human who has just spent a mere three months around them and is a total git manages to do it? That's MARY SUE fodder. In fact the whole character is Sue fodder.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

(goes to Wiki) What, only five Na'vi ever tamed a dragon? And this human who has just spent a mere three months around them and is a total git manages to do it? That's MARY SUE fodder. In fact the whole character is Sue fodder.

Because apparently the Na'Vi never thought catching it by surprise might have been a good idea.

Sounds like it's pretty much exactly how I'd imagined it to be.

And I'm sure I'll still end up seeing it.

Since they used so many years making this movie, you would almost think they would be able to come up with something a bit more original in the meantime.

It was cliche as hell, and I knew every turn as it came, and I predicted everything that would happen an hour before it actually happened, but DAMMIT, it was shiny and there was FLYING and... and...

I liked it. I fully recognize that it was the same old bullshit only with pretty smurfycats and Native American ripoff themes, and I still liked it. It was dumb as hell, and I liked it.

AND THE FIGHT SCENES WERE AWESOME. SUE ME.

InkWeaver wrote:

AND THE FIGHT SCENES WERE AWESOME. SUE ME.

Nah, considering the ration of grief I get for liking the new "Star Trek" I'm not one to talk.

Raine wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

(goes to Wiki) What, only five Na'vi ever tamed a dragon? And this human who has just spent a mere three months around them and is a total git manages to do it? That's MARY SUE fodder. In fact the whole character is Sue fodder.

Because apparently the Na'Vi never thought catching it by surprise might have been a good idea.

There's two different sort of "dragons", actually. Only five - six if you count Jake Sully - tamed the Last Shadow dragon. Taming the small green dragons, and making the bond for life, was a rite of passage that many Na'Vi did.

Personally, I loved the movie, but it was just a terribly overdone plot. Basically, the graphics and character designs kept my attention when the plot became too boring.

.

I feel like a huge amount of why you didnt like this movie was because you didn't really pay attention to it. For instance, it's explicitly stated that John Smith Jake has to be the one to man the avatar because he is a perfect genetic match to his brother, and the reason why they have to bulldoze the tree is because all of the Unobtanium is directly underneath it.

Also, really? Blaming the OMG SAVAGE NATIVES for not welcoming the invading Humans with open arms? Yeah, they're xenophobic, but they have very good reason to be. They're being slaughtered en masse and having their land and resources taken from them.

The movie was really lackluster for a number of reasons, but you haven't stated any of them yet.

InkWeaver wrote:

AND THE FIGHT SCENES WERE AWESOME. SUE ME.

They were alright...

Oh, who am I kidding? THEY WERE EPIC.

I just liked the giant kitty.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Do they really never tell us what Unobtainium (good name, guys) is used for?

...It is totally the cure for Incuritis.

Raine wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

(goes to Wiki) What, only five Na'vi ever tamed a dragon? And this human who has just spent a mere three months around them and is a total git manages to do it? That's MARY SUE fodder. In fact the whole character is Sue fodder.

Because apparently the Na'Vi never thought catching it by surprise might have been a good idea. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

It's piss-easy and they were totally having him on with the whole "rite of passage" thing.

I'd see this movie, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to hear any of it over the sound of all the Otherkin jizzing themselves into oblivion.

It's actually got some atypically strong female characters, Wulf. I'd give it a go.

Bamshalam, that (strong female characters) is actually one thing I will credit the movie (and James Cameron in general with). A sexist pig the man is not and I'm always for strong female characters. You are correct- the movie is lackluster for a variety of reasons that will be delivered tomorrow as my Christmas gift to WGW

Much love and Merry Christmas, all.

One thing I'd like to put out there: The one original thing you might point out about the plot? The whole "Avatar" concept?
It's been done. Complete with bitter, crippled protagonist.

Freezer wrote:

One thing I'd like to put out there: The one original thing you might point out about the plot? The whole "Avatar" concept?
It's been done. Complete with bitter, crippled protagonist.

I don't clearly remember The New Adventures of Johnny Quest, or whatever it was called, but did they have something like that rolling with the bad guy? The otherwise quadriplegic man regained his physical ability in that virtual reality thingy.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Achtung Baby wrote:

The humans are mining for "unobtainium" [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] on Pandora, which is worth $20 million per kilo back on Earth. Why is it worth $20 million? What is it used for?

"Did you know that just one Smurf-berry is enough to power the school for two months? One Smurf-berry!"

Fix'd.

The thing is, the new Star Trek was missing the preachiness that Star Trek is known for in addition to having awesome fight scenes. From what I've read, Dances With Ewoks is a confused mess as far as the message goes. Live in harmony with the global world-consciousness? Um. . . OK.

From what I understand, this is just George Lucas's Princess Mononoke.

My parents are taking me to see this in about two hours. I'm just going to get fucking RIPPED and enjoy the visuals, because I'm a picky bitch when it comes to dialogue and acting and I have a feeling that going sober would be nothing short of torturous.

Freezer wrote:

One thing I'd like to put out there: The one original thing you might point out about the plot? The whole "Avatar" concept?
It's been done. Complete with bitter, crippled protagonist.

Oh, it's much older than that.

Wouldn't be the first time he stole an idea for a movie.

Narwhal wrote:

Wouldn't be the first time he stole an idea for a movie.

He stole Terminator from a Harlan Ellison book IIRC. Ellison sued and got a mere mention in the credits.

Cameron is an ass.