Author based Mary-Sue falls for the ever-so-appealing ~*~JOHN SMITH~*~

Hello there. New person is new. >.> Actually, I've been lurking around here for a while, but I decided today to join and share with you some fics that were just begging to be MST'd. And this one was actually the first I clicked on while searching for snarkable fics in the Doctor Who section of fanfiction.net. And what a find it was.

So now, I humbly present to you, the first chapter, in full, of:

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Doctor who: A gatway through: yeah yeah i have a few others that need doing but i got writers block for them so i am getting over the road block with a new one its the thenth Doctor cause i love that one

Snarkgasm!

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Doctor who: A Gate way through

I do not own Doctor who. I just own me.

Great. Thanks for that.

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She was twenty years old, blond with green eyes and wore glasses. Her name was, and is, Nichelle Marie Milkas and she is a fan of the Show Doctor who…

Is? Was? What tense is this? Who knows? Who cares?

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Chapter one: A key with no Door

Oh, yes. I completely see the logic as to what words begin with capital letters in this title.

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Nichelle stood about the local mall in her home town hunting a book story out so she could find something to read and get her mind off of things like work and relationships, the trivial things in life.

Holy carp—slow down! Take a breath, first.

Also:

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book story

-Facepalm-

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Little did she know that she would get a book to read, just not in the way she’s like to get it. A leather bound book smacked into the back of her head as she walked and sent her flying forward,

Geez, she needs to find a center of balance. Also, how would she know that a book has just smacked her in the BACK of her head? Or that it’s leather bound?

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when she landed and opened her eyes, the book was next to her and a silver key was in front of her nose . She got back up and picked up both items. “Ok…ow on the part about the book hitting my head...i wonder who through it.”

Yes, I also wonder who through it. Please, tell me who went through this book to throw it at you.

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She began walking and spoke to a security guard and said that no one in the mall reported a lost key or book, thus the two things became hers.

Because of course, as a mall security guard, it’s naturally his job to keep complete inventory of all lost-and-found queries.

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However, she kept looking for a few weeks on finding the owners of the key and book until she just decided to wear the key on a necklace, the book however was left untouched, and she just felt odd about that book.

Bookbookbookbook. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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The book was set carefully on a book shelf in her room with its own spot and space.

Wow! It’s own spot and space! Luxury!

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It just sat there bothering Nichelle night and day as she hunted its proper owner till she decided to open it and see if she could find a name in it.

Wait, I thought she said it became hers?

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She carefully opened the book and did see a name and read it out loud to herself in her room “John David Smith, a teacher…from…1929?

Fail on so many levels.
A, this plot device is so boring, and B, John Smith didn’t exist in 1929. He existed in MOTHER FUCKING 1913. LEARN HISTORY. DO YOU HOMEWORK, DUMBSHIT FANGIRL. ARGH.
…I’m getting way too technical with this, aren’t I.

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This is a journal from ….wait a minute…..” she flipped through to a second page and saw written through it and drawn along the margins pictures of Doctor who based things. “…this can’t be a prop book...”

Yes. It can. You can buy the Journal of Impossible Things on Amazon. I’m not even kidding. I own one.

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Her heart began to race a bit as she continued reading the ‘journal’, there was no denying the fact, it was indeed the journal of the human form of the Doctor.

How coincidental!

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i But

-facepalm-
Decide on a point of view and stick with it!

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just how, something like this happening was like a plot for a fan fiction…

How odd!
Or, may I say…ood?
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/i her mind

Which is it again? I can’t remember, I’m just the reader.

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spun like a top. As she snapped the book shut and held it for a moment. “Ok... I’m asleep…this is all just a dream…wake up!” She opened her eyes and looked in the book’s front again; still John smith’s name stared back at her. “Oh lord above it’s not a dream…”

I wish me snarking this fic was a dream. Hoooly carp.

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she whispered leaping up and trembling. “ B-but how…why?” She then began paceing still holding the book. “This is just too….to Sci-fi to be real…seriously...”

While she paced and tried to make sense of all that was going on, finding the book and key, reading the name, these where all connected for a reason and they where somehow centered on her.

She glanced at the book again and bit her lip. “I can’t go to anyone with this, they’d think I’m certifiable…what do I do?”

I think you’re certifiable. :3

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You could just accept that weird things are happening to you

Echoed a voice from nowhere yet at the same time from someplace in the room close by.

“Who’s there!?!” She shouted looking around terrified.

Someone who cannot be seen and must remain so…

Elohel random voice is random

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Nichelle sank to her knees wide eyed and said “no…way…you can’t be that guy,

What guy? Huh?

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its…wait I can’t say impossible…I’m holding the human doctor’s journal...”

Yes. We know.

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Now you’re getting it. Nakki

Who the hell is Nakki?

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“Ok this is getting creepy and I do not do well with creepy…” Nichelle said with a weak laugh. “So can we wrap this up and let me have a mental breakdown?”

Wit! Oh, obsessed fangirl, you slay me.

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………fine, kill the fun of it all. Look, the key is to the Tardis of the Doctor. It was Rose Tyler

Oh my god, this inanimate object was Rose? This explains a lot.

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and it still is connected to it.

Okay, I just don’t understand what this means.

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Nichelle looked at the key and gasped as it was now glowing a bright gold color that warped now and then with a silver glow. “Oh…sweet mercy…”

Huh?

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Now that you are looking, this may sting a little.

Oh, I’m fine with that.

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“Wait what?!” Nichelle looked away from the key for a split second only to find her room warp around her and vanish causing her to faint.

Wow. I just…this is a masterpiece of literature.

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When she was about to meet the ground, a pair of hands caught her and eased her down, then vanished with the sound of walking feet.

I have no words.

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Hours passed for the young lady who found her wakening

Oh, wakening! I thought I’d lost you forever!

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up on the floor of the Doctors Tardis.

#1 pet peeve: People who spell ‘TARDIS’, ‘Tardis’.

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Nichelle got up shaking her head and grabbed a near by bar for support. “Great, now that I’m here, what do I do next?”

Wait, I thought she was going to have a mental breakdown! I wanna see that!

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But her wondering was interrupted by a sudden yell and someone bursting in and slamming a door. Nichelle looked up and saw the Doctor ran in. Nichelle opened her mouth to explain her being there but he just walked past her like he did not see her.

Nichelle was used to this reaction. People tended to ignore her, due to her being so bland. Some called her a “Mary-Sue.” Nichelle ignored them, for she didn’t know what a so-called “Mary-Sue” was.

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“What in the universes...” she said confused.

Oh, gee! More wit!

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He cannot see or hear you right now miss, for I mask your presence… Said a female voice in her head. “The Tardis right?” Nichelle replied aloud. Yes the female voice said I am the Tardis…

The TARDIS only talks to the Doctor. :B
But in fics, when it’s written well, it can turn out great. The TARDIS sounds like a grammatically incorrect, whiney ass plot device.

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the Doctor is going to turn human and hide, you must meet him outside of here it is the only safe way

I am blinded by the choice of original plot device here.

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“But how do I get him to trust me?” Nichelle asked as she watched the Doctor use the chameleon device.

She felt no emotion while the 904 year-old Time Lord screamed in pain. She simply watched. In fact, Nichelle didn’t seem to feel much emotion at all. Or much of anything, really. She was just so commonplace…she could barely hold onto a thought. She didn’t even know what the Doctor looked like. Her entire field of vision was blurred, as though she was reading a story where no one had bothered to describe the characters or surroundings except for herself.

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Then a sort of wind kicked up and Nichelle found herself standing outside at a bus stop dressed in a suit and high heels you are his assistant Teacher. The Tardis thought to her. How are you doing this? Nichelle thought back.

I’ll let that last paragraph speak for itself.

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The key is special.

SPEEEEEEEECIALLLLL. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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It allows me to connect to you and your mind. But right now I must end the connection or Stratton will find you….

Von Stratton? He was arrested at the end of the one episode he was ever in. Glad to hear he made parole.

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Nichelle felt a sudden empty feeling and began walking, her feet seeming to know the way to go.

She realized she still felt no emotion, and had no reaction to her surroundings. Did she even have surroundings? She didn’t know. No one could be arsed to tell her.

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Dear god what have I gotten my self into…and what does the Tardis mean, Stratton? She stopped walking finally and found herself at a large school. “Oh…my…This is going to be an experience and a half…” She said to herself heading to the building and heading for the headmasters office.

I’m so glad that she knows just what to do and where to go! God forbid we’d need to have some dialog or cognitive thought!

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“This, I hope Ms. Milkas, will be a good learning experience for you and your new students.” Said the Headmaster as he led her into the Teachers lounge after talking to her in his office.

Oh. Oh, okay, we’re skipping that scene. Um…okay. Continue.

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“And I warn you, the students of Mr. Smith’s class can get rowdy in the worst way.”

“I hope you can talk some sense into them. I hate getting blood on my favorite paddle.”

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She smiled at the headmaster “Don’t worry about me sir, I may not look like I’m tough but I can protect my self if need be.”

She thought she heard something whisper “MARY-SUE” in the back of her mind, but not possessing the wherewithal to pursue it, she let it pass.

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“Let’s hope so Ms. Milkas…” He said opening the lounge door and leading her in. “Everyone, this is Ms. Nichelle Marie Milkas; she is the Student Teacher from America and will be with us for the next few months. Please help her out the best you can and make her feel welcome to Rosewood school.”

Rosewood school? Really?

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Nichelle smiled and said “Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you all.”

In the back a bit talking with a few other teachers she spotted ‘John Smith’ and he was looking at her a tad shocked and saw one other teacher near him lean over and whisper to him “She seems a bit young to be a teacher…barely 18 right?”

TAKE A BREATH, HOLY CRAP
Wow, I’m surprised she’s almost 18. I thought she was 12. I’m so glad we have these useful filler characters to subtly tell us useful details about our Mary-Sue!

...But...wait...in the introduction, it says she's twenty...oh, I give up. I'm being way too technical about this.

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He waved that teacher off so he could continue listening to the headmaster. “Now Ms. Milkas will be teaching under the guidance of Mr. John Smith…” the Headmaster motioned for him to come over and he did, a bit stiffly at first, if he was afraid of her, but then seemed to calm down.

?

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a bit stiffly at first, if he was afraid of her

Yeah right.

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“ Hello Ms. Milkas….. John Smith.” He held out a hand to her and she took it gently and shook it. “ A pleasure to meet you, I hope we can teach those students of yours a thing or two about Science and English/Shakespearian literature…those two are my favorite subjects, even when I was still in school..”

AGH TEXT BLOCK AND MARY-SUE DIALOGUE! –brain shorts out-

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“R-really? Then teaching you the curriculum will be easy.” John said with a warm smile.

Aw he is nervous! Nichelle thought letting go of his hand

No, he’s just realizing he’s made the worst mistake of his life.

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“Nichelle…as headmaster Collins said…. Well the students are going to arrive soon…so Mr. Smith, could you show me to the Class room please?”

He had been staring at her and almost did not hear her speak

Five bucks says I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.

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and belatedly said “yes…o-of course...” He led her out and the other teachers looked at him take her out.

“She’s going to soften the hard shell of a guy john is, just watch.” Said one teacher to another whom simply nodded in agreement.

I’m sorry, you said what?

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“She’s going to soften the hard shell of a guy john is, just watch.”

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
We are thinking of the same John Smith, right? Wuss? Wears a tweed suit? Can be a jerk sometimes?

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Nichelle entered the class room of John smith and looked around, things for literature and physics

Nichelle didn’t take the time to absorb what these things actually were. She didn’t know, and, quite frankly, didn’t care, as long as she got to spend some time with the ever-so-dreamy ~*~JOHN SMITH~*~

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dotted the room and the desks where all in rows and many had carvings of rather rude signs. “….Not unlike school desks back home...” She mused setting down the things she would need on a desk near John’s.

Where’d she get those? I—
…You know what? Never mind.

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He watched her for a bit then said “so what inspired you to become a teacher? The pay is not exactly wonderful and most of the time the children are little jerks.”

I have a very hard time believing that John Smith would ever refer to his students as ‘little jerks’.
And by the way, does anyone know which time period this is supposed to be? I don’t.

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She looked up at him with her green eyes

Thanks for more description of the one being in this story we’ve already gotten description of.

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and said “Because My father was a teacher and he wanted to give the one who wanted to grow and learn the chance to. Besides, with out teachers, there are no lawyers or Doctors or even firemen. I don’t care about the pay; all I really care about is protecting and shaping our future.”

Either she’s a really fast thinker/good liar, or she’s telling the truth. Either way, she’s still a Mary-Sue.

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I just hope those little monsters don’t kill that hopeful spirit of yours Ms. Milkas…He thought as the students filed in loudly and sat down still talking loudly.

John waited till all where seated and called them all to order and said “ All right, Now, I told you three days ago that I was going to be training a student Teacher so I expect all of you to show her the same respect you show me. Is that under stood.” He gave one young man in particular a hard glare. The youth gave a defiant smirk and said “what ever you say Sir.”

Nichelle eyed the boy and walked up into the view of the class, a few boys whistled

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WOOOO PERVY PRE-TEENAGE BOYS! HOORAY!
Of course, Nichelle, being self-confident and TOTALLY attractive, ignored them, sucking up all of the attention and hopes and dreams and thoughts in the room like a leech or a sponge.

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and she stood with her arms crossed and gave a very chilling stare. “ I will say this only once, I can be a stead fast ally or your worst enemy, Do your work and behave well and I will help you any way I can, But refusal to do work or behave will have you out to sea

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without a hope or payer.”

They get payed for going to school?

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John was shocked at the sudden change in the young woman and watched in awe

I’m pretty sure we’re talking about different John Smiths at this point.

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as she continued on “Secondly, My Name is Ms. Milkas, It’s a simple name to remember and spell, all you need to do is combine Milk with the word As,

Oh, sure, I can remember that. And…hang on…
Milk. As. Milk as. Milkas. Milkass. Milk-ass.
8D8

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and there you have it, its not mucus

I’m pretty sure that this is the author taking out frustration on mispronunciation of what I’m assuming is her name, now.

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or any other word that begins with m or ends with an s,

Mass?

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any remarks about my name will be handled then and there, so I suggest you get my name solid in your heads before you call it out mindlessly.” With that she stepped back and let John proceed with role call, rather impressed by her little talk with the students.

Holy damn, woman, they haven’t even done anything yet, let alone mispronounced your name. Chill.

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Later she learned that the defiant youth was known as Cole Drail and his father was a rather wealthy business man working for the American billionaire George Von Stratton. She was going to have a very hard time with that young man.

Cole is excited because he has just learned that his father, whom he hasn’t seen in an unspecified amount of time, has made bail.

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And she also new she was in for a rough couple of months with him and with ‘John.’

...Please, please, please don’t let that be an innuendo.

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She just hoped that when all was said and done, she’d be able to go home.

So do I. So do I. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


-hits author over the head with the Time Traveler’s Almanac-


So there you have it...I found out today that there's another chapter of this now, but I didn't have the energy to make fun of it tonight. I guess I'll do it tomorrow.

I took a while to get around to reading this 'cause Doctor Who is not my fandom at all, but I thought your snark was quite good. I hope you do more.

Ugh, and this is why I stay away from Doctor Who fanfiction.
It's not the worst thing I've ever read, but it's definitely boring. Is this setup used often in the fandom? I mean, out of all the plots to choose from, wanting to get with the Doctor when he's human is pretty...lame.

Also: Nice first snark.
Also also: Your avatar made me laugh.

Thank you for the compliments. They make me feel reassured. :D

So anyway, I snarked the next chapter of this crap!fic a couple of days ago. Here it is.

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Also, I do not know who this "Von Stratton" she speaks of is. I know of a "Van Stratten", though. Hmm...

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Second chapter: An unwanted visitor

Nichelle M: hey peeps of D.A or (i am posting on both sites this tale) here is part two!

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Nichelle sat waiting in a small café for John smith, every Saturday that month since she first arrived they would go out as friends to eat.

Sure. Whatever you say.

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Since it was john’s way of apologizing for an impromptu flat warming instigated by two other teachers.

...He apologizes by buying her meals on Saturdays? Hey, John, I think some of your friends broke into my apartment last Friday!

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She laughed a bit as she remembered it, she was wearing a pair of Doctor Pepper pajamas and some green fuzzy slippers and eating some ramen for it was around lunch time. Her door bell to her flat rang and she opened it only to be attacked by two other teachers she meets that week by the names Rossi Pandora and W.H Sir, who had John smith by the arms. After the little party the two other teachers threw, John invited her to lunch, which she accepted after getting dressed.

I just. I don’t even. Wut.

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He would not stop saying sorry

WHAT?! SOMETHING VAGUELY IN CHARACTER?!

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the whole lunch until Nichelle playfully bopped him upside the head saying “Say sorry again and I will slap you John” and john did stop,

Nichelle: I AM BEING LIKE ROSE AND MARTHA, SEE? HURRR

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for someplace deep down inside him, the phrase Slappy hand popped up and made him shiver.

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Slappy hand

HEHEHE

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John snapped her out of her memory lane trip by arriving and sitting down.

BREAKING: Brisk trip down memory lane shamelessly interrupted by rude man in ancient suit.

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“You’re rather cheerful Nichelle.” John commented as he sat. Nichelle looked up and said “Well, it’s been a month since I started working as a student teacher and I was thinking about my first weekend here…” John winced a bit “Yes the surprise flat warming.”

OH THANK YOU FOR THE TIME LAPSE REFERENCE, IT IS VERY USEFUL
Um…I thought that the flat warming was the entire reason that they were even going out to lunch? He acts like he’s surprised she mentioned it. Then again, she is a Mary-Sue. This explains everything.

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Soon the two got to enjoying lunch when an unwelcome visitor appeared, the Student Cole Drail and his father. “There she is Dad” the little brat said as they walked over.

“Excuse me, Ms. Milkas was it?” Mr. Drail said leaning on the table. “My son here says you failed him on a test of his…Why?”

Nichelle gave him a dirty look. “Bitch!” she cried, standing up and jabbing a finger into the man’s face. “I AM THE GODDAMN SUE.”

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Nichelle looked up at him and said “Because he is an idiot who thinks his fathers money will get him anything he wants, like a passing grade in a class and so he does not study.”

This could be a legitimate reason if any evidence was given that he actually does think this.

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Mr. Drail did not like her answer and swiftly slapped her across the face

While clearly inappropriate and uncalled for, I have to say I’m rooting for him here. Go Van Stratten!

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, but that did not go over well with John and he clocked Mr. Drail square in the face.

…John Smith doesn’t hit people. John Smith is a wuss. John Smith only teaches schoolchildren how to fire guns.

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“Ow...” John said rubbing his hand as Cole helped his father up. “You’ll regret that, the both of you...” The man shouted leaving.

“I’LL BE BACK!”

Or

“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling Sue and your hidden Time Lord!”

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John just glared saying “Hmm… Nope I don’t feel an ounce of regret punching an arse like you sir.”

Hehehe. I’m picturing John Smith saying the word “arse”.

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The two stormed off and John sat back down nursing his hand. “Well, I can say Cole’s father has just a think a head as his son.”

Um…would you mind repeating your sentence in a language someone might understand?

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Nichelle Smiled and said “That was rather gallant of you John...Thank you.”

GASP! LE TWU WUV! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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“A true gentleman does not hit a lady.” He said firmly as they got back to their meal.

...Uh.

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Nichelle could not help but blush a bit, then she began having little thoughts of a romance between them then sharply stopped thinking i ohhhhh no, do not start. You are gonna find a way home, you can’t get into a relationship with him....even if he is cute and hopelessly adorable…Oh to heck with it. I’m going to enjoy this till the end. /i

I’ll let that kind of…speak for itself.

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“Nichelle are you all right?” John asked, again snapping her from her thoughts “you seem to be rather spacey today” Nichelle gave a slight nod “yeah I noticed…something’s have been on my mind lately.” “What kind of things?” John asked curious. “Well, what I will do when I become a teacher, where I will work…here or back home in the U.S., someone I’ve met while here.”

SUE WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE? YOU ARE NOT A TEACHER. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE COGNITIVE THOUGHT.

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All John heard was ‘some one I met while here’ “And who is it you met?” He sounded a little jealous which surprised Nichelle. “Well, he’s tall, about six foot one, brown hair and eyes, a bit thin, but it’s a good kind of thin, and he’s smart and very dashing and has a very charming smile.”

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John had to think a bit about that then realized she meant him. He flushed a red shade and said “Me?” Nichelle nodded “yes you. Your fare more a gentleman then any man I’ve met. Plus, you just punched a man that could get us sacked because he slapped me.”

1. How would you get sacked because somebody else slapped you?
2. *commits suicide*

…*coughs* Never mind the fact that John Smith would have run the hell away by now because he’s more than a little shy around most women *coughs*

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John looked at her for a moment then said “ Well…then this means I can say what’s been on my mind since you came here…I l-“ but before he could say anything two sacks went down over each person’s head and they where dragged away.

NO! HE WAS ABOUT TO PROCLAIM HIS TWU WUV WHEN THEY WERE INEXPLICABLY KIDNAPPED IN A LAME FASHION!

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Hours later after their kidnapping, Nichelle and John found themselves tied to chairs then waited a bit more and the bag where removed to reveal a Karaoke bar and Rossi with W.H. before them.

Their friends made them wait hours before untying them? Their friends suck.

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i (you thought it was some thing bad didn’t you!)/i

I was hoping. But, you know, this is a badfic. We don’t get what we want.

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Nichelle gave them an unamused look and said “We where in the middle of something!” Rossi tilted her head a little confused “really? I thought you two where just making gaga eyes at one another.”

“Plus, you could have gotten back to it in the time you had whilst tied up.”

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John flushed red as did Nichelle and they looked away from each other. W.H. shook his head and walked up saying “this is all Rossi’s doing. I said no. She is a force of nature.”

Nichelle sighed and wiggled a little in her chair and was suddenly out of her bonds.
“Ok…I told everyone when they asked me, that I can do martial arts…rope is easy to break if ya know how.” She held up her arms and the ropes dangled off as she
walked over to untie John.

I love snarking this. Most of the time I don’t even really need to say anything. Like now.

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“Look Rossi, John and I were eating lunch and I pray that you paid the bill for us since you kidnapped us, but I still would like to finish a meal with him all the same”

“BECAUSE WE ARE IN SUPER OSUM TWU LUV AND STUFF.”

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Rossi gave a pout as the two walked out.

Wait, what was the reason for this kidnapping?

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She had to delay them long enough for W.H’s invisible firend to find out the location of the Doctor’s Tardis

What?

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and to reestablish its link to Nichelle,

What?

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and they also had to explain to her what was going on.

Please, explain to me, too! I’m so lost and confused. D:

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“ John you head out first I need to talk to Rossi and W.H” Nichelle said showing a side of her self to John that was quite rare, a very firm and very angry side that reminded him of somebody, he just could not place who.

1. If I have to read one more sentence in which the author practically proclaims herself to be a Sue, I will explode.
2. I would make a guess as to who she reminds him of, but I’m not sure when this story takes place in terms of the show or in terms of actual time.

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He left as she said and waited outside.

“…….I has finally figured you two out.” Nichelle said her eyes flashing with anger. “You’re the Characters from one of my stories…Rossi Pandora and what sir…But you’re not a fact…your something different what sir.”

Lolwat.
If anybody has a clue what’s going on at this point, please tell me.

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W.H, or what sir sighed “Yes we are…and there is some one who asked us to fill you in on the why and what of all this.” Nichelle gave him the irritated ‘I’m listening look’ and he continued “Your stories…where all dreams and ideas placed in your mind via telepathy to prepare you to come here. Then our invisible firend as Rossi calls him gave you the means to come. We are sorry, but we really need your talents as a writer. You can create things that can do many wonders.”

OH, THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE NOW.
IT’S ALL BECAUSE SHE’S SO AWESOME.

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He gave her a cheerful wink “So don’t go and give a grouchy face like the Doctor gives, and enjoy time you get to have with him as a human ok.” He patted Nichelle on the head and Rossi hugged her “Give him a good snogging for me!”

*throws up*

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Nichelle flushed red and gave Rossi the Shut up glare for friendship and walked out quickly.

What sir looked at Rossi and said “Did you have to embarrass her like that?”

“bYes/b” Rossi replied with a happy yell. What sir shook his head? Indeed his firend was a force of nature…

D:

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Nichelle walked out the doors to see john and sighed “We have the most bizarre friends in the universe.”

He refers to them as “we” because they are a couple in WUV FILLED TWU WUV.

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John chuckled a little at her frazzled nature, her hair was a mess she was fuming and looked perfect. So he took a change and grabbed her arm Nichelle looked at him and realized what was going on.

Half of her yelled No don’t do it girl or you’ll never be able to leave, the other half screamed yes! Kiss him you get to do what all fan girls can’t do!

I realize I don’t need to say anything for this passage, because nothing I can say can make it any worse/better, depending on your point of view, but she does know that all of this has just been explained away as some stupid figment of her imagination, right?
…At least, I think it was. I’m not really entirely sure…

And “grabbing her arm” makes it sounds like he’s about to rape or hit her, not kiss her. It seems more forceful than a kiss.

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And then pretty much anything after those thoughts was a very big but happy blur.

THIS IS THE ONE TIME IN THIS STORY WHEN I AM ACTUALLY GRATEFUL FOR THE LACK OF DETAIL.

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That following Monday John and Nichelle where surprised that they where not sacked, and that everyone cheered the once stoic and silent mister smith in his valiant ways, for Rossi told them all.

Uh…yay?

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Later in their class, true trouble brewed, Cole was Absentee and John, from past experience knew that to be a very bad sign that the boy was planning to do something dangerous to someone that made him mad, and he had a feeling that Nichelle was his target.

That kid’s one evil son of a bitch.

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“Nichelle, may I speak to you for a moment?” John asked while they let the kids work on their homework. Nichelle gave a nod and said “Sure.” He took her aside and said “I’m worried that Cole may have a dangerous plot in his head and is going to use it on you. He’s done this before and trusts me; it is not pretty what he does.”

Oh, really. Well. That’s just fascinating, John Smith.

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“I’ll keep an eye out John, thank you for letting me know” Nichelle said with a smile. Some of the students who actually liked to learn and listen to the teachers watched and a few went aw,

THOSE STUDENTS REALIZE IT’S TWU FREAKING WUV

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others who had finished their work began doodling little drawings of the two holding hands and little hearts all over the place.

They all did? What the fuck is this? Nichelle really does sap everybody’s thoughts.

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John still was worried and began fiddling with a watch that never worked but he kept with him as a good luck charm. Something just didn’t sit right in his heart.

So of course he starts fiddling with his magical concealing watch.

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Later that day, Nichelle walked to her flat unaware that some one followed her. They got closer till she was at her door to her flat. She got out her keys to open the door but the stalker tackled her away as it suddenly blew.

OH GOD SOMEBODY EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE PLEASE

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Nichelle looked at her savior and it was a man in a black world war two great coat with black hair and a face of an angel and beautiful blue eyes.

i Hoy….It’s jack…sweet mother of our lord…He is much hotter in person…not as hot as the Doctor…but good enough. Wait why am I thinking this?!/i

JACK, RUN WHILE YOU CAN! SHE HAS JOHN SMITH!

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“Thank you for saving me sir…” Nichelle said as he hoisted her up to her feet. “John did warn me about Cole

Holy frick, did that kid just try to blow up her apartment? Is that what we’re saying here? That kid is badass. I support his cause. O.o

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…dang it…my cloths were in there…now I’ll have to get new ones...and a new place to stay, shoot.”

The man grabbed her arm a little roughly and had her look at him “Dang it, you’re not Rose…

I’m one of the biggest Rose-bashers around, but even I would be disappointed if I was looking for her and found Nichelle instead.

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but the hopper picked up on something belonging to her…” Nichelle locked eyes with

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Him

Jack is a god, dammit.

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and said “I think you mean the key…look, I can’t explain now but what I can say is go back to torch wood,

I’m not sure he can. He might be able to get back to Torchwood, though.

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I’m being targeted by a George von Stratton because I failed one of his goon’s kids on a test,

Holy competitiveness, Batman!

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he is also after the doctor who is hiding right now.” She held up the key which sparkled once

That key isn’t Rose, it’s Edward Cullen. Duh.

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to help her point “so please get going I’ll call the cops and figure out what to do from here…”

Jack stared at this girl for a moment and replied “…why should I go back?”

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR SANITY! RIGHT? RIGHT?

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“Because Ianto would not want you to mourn him by drinking your self to death every night for the rest of time that’s why,”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT *brain explodes*
THAT IS NOT CANON. THAT “JACK GETS REALLY DEPRESSED AND DRINKS/COMMITS SUICIDE A LOT AFTER IANTO DIES” IS SO REALLY, REALLY, NOT CANON. DON’T YOU DARE MOCK THE DEATH OF MY FAVORITE PAIRING EVER LIKE THAT. AKDLAJLAJOPIUEQREFN;FL

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Nichelle continued “And that would make Ianto weep

...Lots of things tend to make Ianto weep.

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if he knew, that boy really cared about you Jack, please don’t let it go to waste.” Nichelle turned away and got out a phone and called John.

I HATE YOU, NICHELLE MILKAS. *takes deep breath*

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Jack watched her for a bit longer then left.

Yes, because he suddenly cares nothing for the now apparently endangered John Smith.
BUT AT LEAST HE GOT OUT WHILE HE COULD, EVEN IF IT WAS HORRIBLY OOC.

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“Hello, John?” Nichelle asked when someone picked up the phone. “Hello Ms. Milkas, I regret to inform you but John smith is now in my ‘ownership’”

I think I’ll let you keep him.

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Said a clearly American voice “And he will not stay among the living unless you tell me where you got that key Cole kindly told me about….”

OHEMGEE THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF IN CHARACTER 8D
The whole blackmail thing. But George Van Stratten is definitely not a murderer without cause. Thus, his son is a creepy murderer-in-training.

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Nichelle Gripped the phone and said “Hurt him and Stratton I will find some way to destroy you...So Very…Very Slowly.” Nichelle hung up and dialed Rossi and W.H.

I am laughing very hard right now.

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Rossi answered “Hello?” Nichelle gulped and said “George Von Stratton has The Doctor. I’m going to get him back...” Nichelle said before starting to walk “You’d better get ready to be back up Rossi.” Nichelle then put the phone away and kept walking.

i I wish I knew where they were though.../i she thought walking briskly

i or they will come find you/i said the thoughts of the Tardis

i it’s about time you contacted me again. I was worried. /i Nichelle replied stopping.

i Glad they have not gotten in you. /i

…That’s what she said. >.>;

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i yes, but they are after you know and will trace your phone…/i The Tardis responded.

i Then let them find me, I am beyond angry and they will find out what happens when I am made mad…/i Nichelle thought breaking the connection so she could get ready.

Uh, okay, ditch the thing that could help and keep wandering aimlessly, see if I care.

…You know what, I think the real Doctor/John Smith took a leave of absence at the beginning of this fic. Or maybe he was kidnapped by someone else. Either one is better than being a character in this dreck.

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Stratton sat in his office looking at the Tardis

He got it on eBay.

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smugly feeling that he would soon have everything and revenge.

I really hope that his motivation for this entire thing is getting his kid’s assistant teacher to change a grade. Man, his villainy has really gone downhill.

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A few guards dragged John into the office and slammed him down into a chair. He grinned and said “You are the perfect bait to draw out the Doctor and His apparently new assistant.”

An intercom beeped and Stratton said “Talk.” A male voice answered “S-sir…there is a young woman hear with two others who wants to speak to you…AHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“IT’S WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT, SIR! IT’S A SUE AND HER HORRIBLE SIDEKICKS!”

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Whack sounds and a thud. “He was knocked out Stratton, YOU won’t be so lucky” Said Nichelle’s voice angry. The inter com bleeped off and Stratton felt a little scared.

Yet again: YEAH RIGHT. The guy’s an evil mastermind. He’s not about to be scared by one of his many guards being knocked out by a group of idiots.

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He sent his men to stop the girl only the guards found just a man in a top hat and Hawaiian shirt with an insanely tall girl with red hair that grinned like a mad woman. She spoke “So sorry lads but she is already half way to your boss”

I am so confused. D:

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The guards rushed the two and a fight began.

This reads like a Dragonball Z episode. Maybe it’ll take another twelve chapters for anything to actually happen.

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Nichelle kicked open the doors to Stratton’s office and walked in very mad, the key glowing about her neck. Stratton stood up and walked over to her smiling ‘kindly’ “Welcome Ms. Milkas, what can I do for you?”

“Step closer and you will get a serious butt whooping. Now let John go.” Nichelle said glaring hard.

“Oh he is over there” Stratton said pointing to a chair near by. “Cozy as can be, but I half expected the Doctor to be here…but instead it’s just you and two other teachers.”

This story is starting to make me seriously depressed.

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“I told him he had to sit this out. “ Nichelle said looking back at Stratton.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS MY BRAIN CAN’T TAKE IT D8

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“Really?” He then pulled out a gun and aimed it at Nichelle “Then if I kill his new assistant….he will surely come.”

If you shoot it, who will come? Aliens.

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“Flaw, I am not his assistant. So killing me won’t be much of a difference, sorry to disappoint Stratton, so I’d i watch/i what I say when making Threats.”

I don’t think you’re in the position to be threatening him at the moment. Also, how does one make a Threat? Please teach me.

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John had been watching in fear the whole time

There is honestly nothing to be afraid of here.

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the two talked and picked up on the Watch quip. It was like she directed it at him, he grabbed his watch out carefully from a back pocket

What’s happening here…? Aw, screw it. I’m off to go cry for a minute. Tell me if it gets good.

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and it clicked open, a gold light flowed from it and entered him while Stratton shot Nichelle in the arm out of anger at her not being the Doctor’s assistant.

…Back, because that sentence made me laugh really hard. :D

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She fell back and looked at the bloody arm only to see it spit out the bullet and close to a graze…. “Well this is odd” she murmured

You’re telling me.

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as the Doctor cold clocked Stratton.

FOR THE LAST TIME, THE DOCTOR DOESN’T PUNCH PEOPLE. HE’S PRACTICALLY A PACIFIST, EXCEPT FOR THAT WHOLE INDIRECT KILLING OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE HIM AND HIS GENOCIDAL STREAK. The man has one hell of a messiah complex.

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He then turned to Nichelle who sat on the ground with a small sheepish smile “Hi…I’m Nichelle Milkas….and well…I can explain but can we do it outside?”

Does this mean it’s over and I can go home? Please say yes. Please, please say yes.
...*coughs* Also, Time Lords can remember whatever happens to them if they have to turn into humans. That actually is canon. *coughs*

I love Doctor Who, but I'm new to the fandom and so when I imagine "John Smith" and "Nichelle" I end up thinking of these two:

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brb fappin'

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and it isn't amusing at all. Well at least the second half of thinking about this.

When you picture John Smith, just think of the Doctor, since they're technically the same person. But I tend to not think about the people so much when I read this story, and so I try to think of it as a different John Smith that she's talking about. I think if I didn't then my brain might explode. D:

John Smith

That picture is quite terrifying, actually. They both look weird. D:

The only other picture I found was even worse than that.
Oddly enough, this was one of my least favorite episodes.

Like Nihilist, every time I see the name Nichelle, I think of Nichelle Nichols, who played Lt. Uhura on the original Star Trek. I kind've doubt Nichelle was that common of a name when she was famous, so I would imagine someone in the early 1900s with that name would get more than a few odd looks. On the other hand, Martha had a name that were quite common for the time period.

At least Jack got out while the getting was good. Run, Jack! Run far away from the Sue!

Happenstance wrote:

…John Smith doesn’t hit people. John Smith is a wuss. John Smith only teaches schoolchildren how to fire guns.

Ooo, burn. I hereby dub thee Davros.

This is probably a bad sign, but the only issue I continue to have with this fic is: why van Statten? He was an uncharismatic and forgettable one-episode character who was uncermoniously disposed of at the end of said episode. He's also a century out of place, but ehh, that's badfic for you. Maybe he's the real van Statten's identical great-grandfather.

I'd also ask: why John Smith?, but Twilight shows that there is a market for defanged and declawed forces of nature.

Mind you, what happens if "Mary Sue" had fallen into the original 1990's Virgin "Missing Adventures" Novel version of Human Nature, instead of the T.V remake/adaptation...?
And how would she have reacted, after she found the Sylvester McCoy version of "Doctor John Smith", rather than the David Tennant version...?

Grimley Fieendish wrote:

Mind you, what happens if "Mary Sue" had fallen into the original 1990's Virgin "Missing Adventures" Novel version of Human Nature, instead of the T.V remake/adaptation...?
And how would she have reacted, after she found the Sylvester McCoy version of "Doctor John Smith", rather than the David Tennant version...?

I've never read the novel, so I don't know the details, but if Ace was still around, she'd hopefully have blown her up the minute she appeared and solved the problem.

And she never would've fallen in love with the Sylvster McCoy Doctor because he's not 'cute' like David Tennant. Mind you, he's one of my favorite Doctors (him, five and six), but I grew up watching Old School Who and honestly didn't view the Doctors as sexual beings. Especially not where humans were concerned.

I really would have like to see that plotline happening instead of the one we got. I think I need to write that now...it can end with Ace kicking the shit out of the Mary Sue. Good fun will be had by all. Except...you know, the Mary Sue. Who will have died a painful death. :D

Happenstance wrote:

I really would have like to see that plotline happening instead of the one we got. I think I need to write that now...it can end with Ace kicking the shit out of the Mary Sue. Good fun will be had by all. Except...you know, the Mary Sue. Who will have died a painful death. :D

It was no less than she deserved for meddling with time. The Doctor would've told her that when he was in one of his Messianic Time Lord phases.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Happenstance wrote:

I really would have like to see that plotline happening instead of the one we got. I think I need to write that now...it can end with Ace kicking the shit out of the Mary Sue. Good fun will be had by all. Except...you know, the Mary Sue. Who will have died a painful death. :D

It was no less than she deserved for meddling with time. The Doctor would've told her that when he was in one of his Messianic Time Lord phases.

Re: Alternate Plotlines
Unfortunately, the Doctor's companion in said book, was not Ace, (She had left some 2 books earlier) but Bernice "Benny" Summerfield (basically a female, & somewhat alcoholic version of Indiana Jones) who in the book, acted as Dr.Smith's younger niece...
The School in the book gets Nuked, with a low yield tactical weapon, by a shape shifting race called the Amberstides, that want his regeneration ability...
The Doctor goes to a alien "Bodysmith", to get himself downgraded to "John Smith", using Nanotechnology to do so, rather than using a "Chamelion Arch"...
Perhaps the key difference between book & adaptation, is the deletion of the "Alternative future" sequence, where Dr.Smith gives "The Doctor's" biodata up, to protect Joan...
As a result, the now augmented Amberstides invade Gallifrey, & puts the High Council to the Sword....