Such is Life: The Spark "I’m a sick, twisted individual. But someone please tell me I’m not the only Sam/Frenzy fan" NWS

This fic has haunted my dreams for years when it first appeared on the Pit. From the moment it starts it gives canon a swift twist of the nuts and does not let go.

Such is Life: The Spark by Herr Chef D.

A literally an ass-fuck of a fanfic and made me feel dirty just by reading it.

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It all happened so fast. Too fast, in Sam’s opinion. It started out so…normally.

That's how all the horror flicks start out. Why should this be any different?

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…And then, a week before the reunion, Mikaela broke up with him.

Don't mind me as I laugh my ass off.

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It was a police car. A very recognizable police car with no one in the driver’s seat.

Gee... I wonder who that could be?

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Fuck.

Not exactly what I imagined the Decepticon's name to be.

So then Barricade and Frenzy (Who some how survived his ordeal at Hoover Dam) kidnap Sam. And that Frenzy somehow got a BDSM tape out of a police evidence locker and used it as an 'instructional video' on how to torture someone. Classy.

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In all honesty, Barricade wasn’t all gung-ho about it; torture wasn’t his forte, and he had no interest in it. Turning up Metallica, he waited for Frenzy to finish his job. He wasn’t Ladiesman 217’s biggest fan, but he wasn’t about to get a voyeur’s pleasure in seeing him sodomized.

Oh...oh gawd! Is he actually doing what I think he's doing?

Chapter two and Mikaela arrives at the party and they all go looking for Sam. Meanwhile...

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“Are you DONE yet, Frenzy!?” he called over to the area where Frenzy had dragged the Witwicky boy. He heard a short screech in reply, which he interpreted as ‘up yours’, and rolled his optics. The little bastard-con had been at it for an hour; how long did it take!? He was brought out of his thoughts with a small transforming sound, and then Frenzy came into view, lazily walking up to Barricade like nothing had happened. The soft sounds from the sodomy area, however, confirmed otherwise.

Those soft sounds are the paparazzi taking pictures of the scene while Sam models what is left of his underwear.

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Sam eyed them all warily with wide, tear-filled eyes, then suddenly began to cry. He buried his face in his hands and let out a gut-wrenching sob. “Oh God!” he shrieked into his hands. “Oh God, don’t look at me…!” His body curled up tighter into itself. “…Don’t look at me…!”

"No one must know that my mom still shops for my underwear!!!"

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Mikaela burst into tears as Ratchet carefully stepped forward to do a medic body scan. When he finished, Optimus saw him trembling. “Oh, Sam…”

"Your hemorrhoids are acting up again."


Chapter three and they get on the road.

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The boy wouldn’t let anyone else but Maggie and Mikaela anywhere near him, and even then, he preferred Maggie.

Mikaela just broke up with him, the bitch! Why the hell would he want someone near him that tore out his heart and shit on it?

Anyway, they drop Sam off at the hospital and go back to the base where Mikaela has a break down and blames herself and they figure out that Barricade and Frenzy are the ones who fucked Sam up.

Then Bumblebee flips out and throws a tree.


Chapter 4 and Sam is recovering at Will Lennox's house.

And then he starts having sharp pains in his stomach. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUDDDDDD!!!

Then he goes to sleep.

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Sam found that living at the Lennoxes was a lot more calming than home. Sarah was a fan of big family meals, and he quickly became a fan of her
cooking.

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Sam gains weight and then goes home and tells his parents what happened.

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“Sam, what’s going on?” his dad said, looking worried. Sam sighed and swallowed again, feeling the urge to puke. He looked at the Lennoxes, then Mikaela, and then at the black and yellow cars out front.

“…You guys might want to sit down for this,” he said.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I was part of an interesting internship over the weekend...

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He gasped in pain and fell to his knees, one hand on his heart and the other arm around his waist. He vaguely heard panicked voices before promptly falling out of consciousness.

And he passes out again. But what could be causing these pains?

You do not want to know. Seriously...you don't.

I'm honestly hoping the sharp pains are his body rejecting the abomination inside him and he'll miscarry. I repeat again: Humans cannot get pregnant by robots, and men can't get pregnant at all!

When we last left this story, Sam had passed out for the second time and his parents were totally OOC.

Now they have gone into comatose character land and become one dimensional characters there just to provide the emotional turmoil in Sam's life. Good work parents!

Anyway...Sam goes to school, nothing happens then he blacks out again.

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The ride home was quiet and eventless. Sam spent that time looking out the window and unconsciously flexing his fingers over his abdomen, as though just anticipating another jolt of pain. It didn’t come, and he was relieved to be home. He walked up to his room and flopped down on his bed. “My life sucks…” he mumbled into his pillow.

And that's Chapter 5. Really...

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Ratchet and his ‘sixth medic sense’ told him that something was amiss with Sam, but Sam kept assuring him everything was fine.

So apparently Ratchet reads the tarot and consults the spirits. I can totes see that happening.

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No one else but him noticed it, but even with millennia of medic experience under his metaphorical belt, he never encountered this kind of scent. It was vaguely familiar, but nothing he could place.

MOAR DEODORANT!

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“Your stomach,” she said slowly. “It’s hard. I mean, like ‘smacking Bee on the hood of the car’ hard…”

That's not the only thing that's hard...

Seriously, my head must be granite for me not to get a concussion from smacking it against the wall so many times.

Anyway...Sam submits himself to an examination by Ratchet and he gets Optimus in for a shocking reveal.

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“What the hell is wrong with me!?” Sam shouted, really getting scared.

Your in this fic. What the hell do you think is wrong with you?

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Sam stared at him. “…What…?” he finally said. “…I have a…what…?” Ratchet’s finger, still trembling, trailed lower on the picture to the smaller shape.

“…And…and that…” His voice quivered. “…is another spark…”

And Sam is...well. He has a two sparks and lots of metal in his stomach. I know lots of kids like that but that metal is all pennies and quarters and marbles the swallowed.

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“You have a spark, Sam,” he said, his voice firmer now. “It’s residing in your heart. It was probably put there by the Allspark when you put it in Megatron’s chest. The transaction was so quick, you wouldn’t have noticed it. And it’s undetectable without the special x-ray, or unless we open our chests.” He paused to let it sink in.

Okay...

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He pointed at the smaller shape in his stomach again, and this time Sam noticed a small mass of metal around it. “…what also looks like an underdeveloped…Transformer…”

Err... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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“Oh…god…” he gasped. “You…you mean to tell me I’m pregnant with a Transformer!?”

Yes...and it's your choice over whether to carry to term or terminate. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

And he can all of a sudden understand Cybertronian. Yea...no Suing here...

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“It completely explains Sam’s pains a couple of months ago. The spark in his heart was forming life, creating another spark in his abdomen. The pain in his stomach was the thin metal materializing in random intervals to house the underdeveloped spark…” He paused again. “…and the sparkling forming around it.”

Durrrr... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Meanwhile, in one corner of the base, a silver and blue CD/radio made a thoughtful clicking sound, transformed, and jumped out a window.

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So Sam moves into the Autobot's base and his parents call every day...yay!

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As winter set in, Sam began to notice strange changes in his abdomen. Much like a pregnant woman, his waistline expanded slightly, and he noticed that the area just behind his navel was warmer than normal. Ratchet told him that was the immature spark flowing life into the sparkling, which was slowly starting to take shape, as the Cybertronian x-ray showed. By the end of winter, Sam could actually make out extremely thin arms and legs, and the baby spark was becoming less visible as a body completely surrounded it.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] How cute! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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After winter left and spring came into play, Sam’s stomach had a major growth spurt of—Ratchet measured—11 inches in one month from the previous measurement of his normal 30-inch waistline, and then suddenly stopped growing. However, by that time, the sparkling inside of him grew suddenly active, turning and shifting around as it pleased. It didn’t hurt, but it was a bitch to go to sleep with it occasionally thunking against the metal in his stomach.

Somehow I imagine some kind of demon spawn growing inside of Sam. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Ratchet, not really seeing the joke, said she could take Sam’s ‘Autobot Anatomy 101’ when her school let out. (Ironhide groaned when he heard that)

Autobot anatomy... For some reason I have this image of Mikaela falling into Ironhide's chest and getting ground into a paste in all the gears.

And them Sam goes into labor... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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All the Autobots came racing in at Mikaela’s—and Sam’s—screams. Ratchet took one look at Sam and picked him up carefully. “Everyone, stay put!” he shouted urgently over his shoulder. “I’ve got to get Sam properly strapped down, and—!”

“Strapped down!?” Sam yelled through his pain. “For what!?”

Ratchet ignored him and carried him into the lab, where he gently laid him down on the metal gurney and gently secured a soft strap just over his protruding belly and another over his legs.

“This is just a precaution, Sam,” Ratchet said softly, but rushing all the same. “I’m going to inject painkillers in you, but this is to make sure you stay perfectly still and I don’t make a mistake.”

“Mistake!?”

I can just imagine this scene in E.R.

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The sparkling had overlarge optics a deep golden color that must’ve been from his brown-eyed genes. Its body was small with pencil-thin limbs and long, spider-like fingers splayed from small palms. The sparkling had a small mouth that opened and closed a few times as though to figure out how it worked, then let out a light, soft wail that sounded sweet. The thin arms reached out for Sam just as Ratchet moved to put it in a small metal basket to clean.

This...this just...my brain... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Sense? Where we're going we don't need...sense

So the tenth chapter has no other purpose than to showcase the parent's OOCness.

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“Is it, like, a proven fact that no matter how much of a grease monkey a girl is, she’ll always have a cuteness weakness?” he said jokingly. Mikaela smacked him in the back of the head.

I like to imagine Honeydew going berserk and ripping Mikaela to shreds...

And not only can this kid climb walls, she is calmed only by Cradle of Filth. This kid is a demon spawn.

Anywho...Sam gets a call from his parents to come and visit and then Bumblebee goes back to base and finds Sam's parents at the base and then it all goes to shit for Sam.

Barricade and Frenzy chase Sam into a stand of trees and then...share a tender moment.

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“My sparkling,” he said slowly, just two of a few words he knew in Cybertronian. If Frenzy could blink, he would have. Sam looked down at Honeydew, who was looking between both her parents at the gigantic Decepticon, who had yet to do anything but stare. He looked back up at Frenzy and struggled through his get-by Cybertronian.

“Your…sparkling…as well…” He paused. “…Honeydew…”

Dawww...

Wait a minute! Frenzy raped Sam and now their going to be a happy family? Bullshit...

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“By that sparkling,” he continued, “you are connected with Frenzy in a unique—but not unheard of—spark bond. I’m sure you’ve felt his emotions and even thoughts in the spark in your own heart.” Sam nodded. “Then you should be able to meet me halfway with what I’m saying.” He paused again to look at his partner. “Through this connection, you and Frenzy are bonded spark mates.”

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

And then Barricade drove both of them back to the Autobot's base. That has got to be one of the longest awkward silences ever heard.

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Ironhide wasn’t faring any better. He and Barricade went at it like rabid wolves nearly every hour he happened to come over to make sure Barricade wouldn’t kill anyone. That led to Optimus’s dilemma—keeping the fucking peace. He felt like he was going to burst a few circuits at any given moment.

If that means anything close to how that read, I think were in the wrong fic...

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“I’m just saying, Sam,” Bumblebee said offhandedly. “Before the month is over, we’re going to have at least one ‘bot’s worth of spare parts.”

Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor...

Things get quiet and then...The Twins arrive.

Not the twins from the movies, these are Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Or as Sunstreaker calls him self:

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“Primus’s most beautiful creation, in.”

Yea...they crash into the Auto Show in Tranquility. Because it would be too much to have them actually go out and look for the two most notorious troublemakers this side of the Milky Way.

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“Well,” Ratchet said, turning away from the screen. “Let’s go meet the spawn of Unicron, shall we?”

Yes...lets.

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“Demolisher. Soundwave…” He looked at two in particular. “…my Seeker brothers…” The four Decepticons nodded in acknowledgement. Starscream gave them a cruel smile.

“Welcome to Earth.”

Seriously? Of all the Decepticons you could have chosen you went with Demolisher from Transformers: Armada? Dear god...

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Sideswipe was all right, but the worst asset of Sunstreaker’s, Sam found, was his rude bluntness. The first thing out of his mouth when he found out how Honeydew came into being?


“Wow. Bet that had to hurt.”

Is it a bad thing if that was the first thought in my head? Well damn...

The entire base gets all butt hurt about it and they start yelling and screaming...again. Sam, being such a delicate flower, runs out and into the safety of the open woods where he is quickly attacked by Decepticons. If the Autobot base is this easy to find, I wonder why the Decepticons don't just bomb it. Seriously...

Frenzy is ripped a new one and they all go back to their respective bases for repairs.

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When he was thoroughly assured of Sam’s well-being, Bumblebee proceeded in seeking out Sunstreaker and beating the energon out of him until
Ironhide, who had come when he’d heard, felt like pulling the pissed off Camaro off of him. Even Sideswipe didn’t object—that much—to his brother’s aft-kicking. Barricade did Ratchet a favor by volunteering to put Sunstreaker back together, albeit roughly and purposely leaving out a few details.

Wow... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Anyway...Barricade donates his parts to rebuild Frenzy which seems to usher in a new twist on Sam and Frenzy's relationship. That would make one too many tropes that I care to link to.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] <--- would be putting it lightly...

Rabid Badger wrote:

I'm honestly hoping the sharp pains are his body rejecting the abomination inside him and he'll miscarry. I repeat again: Humans cannot get pregnant by robots, and men can't get pregnant at all!

Yes they do! This is the second evidence!

Damn Myth, you just beat me! I really need to snark something even worse now.

Also, does the author have something against Sunstreaker and Sideswipe?

Sorsa A. Jänis wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

I'm honestly hoping the sharp pains are his body rejecting the abomination inside him and he'll miscarry. I repeat again: Humans cannot get pregnant by robots, and men can't get pregnant at all!

Yes they do! This is the second evidence!

Damn Myth, you just beat me! I really need to snark something even worse now.

Also, does the author have something against Sunstreaker and Sideswipe?

Personally, I think this person has something against all the Transformers for putting them in a shit fic like this.

For the next few chapters nothing much happens. Sam and Frenzy go to a movie with Bumblebee and meet Mikaela and her boyfriend. The Autobots have a reunion, Frenzy is horny and Barricade turns into an emo wangst ball.

Then Sam gets kidnapped by Thundercracker and Skywarp. Think of them as Starscream's ever disobedient clones.

Then Sam cries like a baby.

Cool story, bro.

Anyway...Starscream wants Sam to 'breed' for the Decepticons and I suddenly get the image of Sam splitting down the middle like a tapeworm or something.

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“I am not going to ‘breed’ for you! How the hell would that work, anyway!?”

“Simple,” Starscream said smoothly without missing a beat. “The same way Frenzy did it—sexually, you call it. Oh, size wont be an issue,” he added, seeing Sam’s aghast expression. “We have…ways to overcome that difference.”“How…?” Sam asked carefully. Starscream grinned cruelly.
“Every hear of a spark transplant?”

Lovely images in my head. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Apparently Starscream wants to transfer the spark in Sam's chest to a larger vessel. I never knew they made Fleshlights in Decepticon sizes...

And it seems that Frenzy was in on this from the get-go.

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Sam kept looking over at Frenzy with betrayal in his eyes.

You might want to get that out. It could cause in an infection.

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“All you need removed is your shirt,” Frenzy said huskily, his fingers already playing with the hems. Sam sat up slightly, allowing Frenzy to take his shirt off and bunch it up to let Sam use it as a pillow. “Now just relax,” he said. He stroked his fingers over his chest and it opened, revealing a brilliantly glowing spark. Sam’s eyes glued to it, not remembering seeing such beauty before. Even with the small distance between them, Sam could feel it gently pulsating, the butterfly-light throbs making his own spark react with pulses of its own. The simple pulsation was pleasing in and of itself; Sam rested his head back on his shirt pillow as pleasant warmth flowed through his body.

Daww...virgin Sam. As though that has not been done a million times before.

I will spare you the next dozen paragraphs of descriptive Frenzy on Sam smexing for no other purpose than its wordiness. And my sanity.

Then Frenzy possesses Barricade who pops out of his emo wangst long enough to be a plot device before collapsing from the effort.

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Moving on, he lowered his gaze to his legs, and then his peripheral caught something on the small table next to him. He looked over at it and felt his spark recoil.

All that came to his mind—scream.

I hate to say it...but Sam screaming like a little bitch is canon. So depressingly canon.

But I suppose anyone would freak out if they suddenly woke up with a giant metal body and saw their old body laying open on a table. But somehow...Sam just pussifies it even more.

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“I’ll do it,” he said, slowly folding the skin back to the center of the chest. “You take him to your room. Try to escape, and I’ll let Soundwave and your brothers have free reign over your remains.”

I am imagining Ravage coughing up a Frenzy sized scrap ball in the same manner a cat coughs up a hairball. Lovely. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] (Why does the cat float?)

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Frenzy gave him a dirty look and then turned back to his mate, who swung his legs over the edge of the table and stood up, only to fall right down. Frenzy immediately jumped down off the table and touched Sam’s head. “Are you okay, Sam?!” he asked urgently. Sam raised his head off the floor and gave Frenzy a pitiful whine noise before trying to get up.

I understand that Sam is supposed to be the Decepticons' bitch. But does he have to act like one all the damn time? It's almost embarrassing. Almost.
Thundercracker, who seems awfully accommodating, carries Sam to his room with Frenzy trailing behind like a little puppy dog. Yea...I wanna name him Mojo-Jojo, too.

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“Where is everyone, Frenzy?” Sam asked softly in Cybertronian. Frenzy shifted in his arms and also looked around.

“I cant say,” he said. “If I know what they’re thinking, maybe they’re torturing some humans in the nearest town.”

Or, maybe they're trying ambush you for a Trans-train. Or, maybe they want to throw Sam a party! Or...wait! Or maybe...

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“Or maybe,” said a voice behind them, “they’re just being nice and letting you look around undisturbed.”

Well...that too.

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Skywarp was waiting for him outside the meeting room, his arms crossed and leaning against the wall. “You’re being too kind to the breeder,” he said crossly. “What is the point of pleasantries? He’s a breeder—breed with him!”

That's what SHE said!

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“You don’t get the point, Skywarp,” Starscream said quietly. “I need to gain his trust if I intend to breed with him. If I only cause him pain and intent of harm, he will fight back, and eventually find a way to escape back to the Autobots. Being nice to him will make him feel more comfortable here, if only fractionally.” He turned away from Skywarp. “Be sure to extend your most sincere courtesy to our new addition. You never know when it will be your turn to breed.”

Creepy is Starscream because Starscream is Creepy.

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Skywarp looked slightly disgruntled at the very thought of breeding. He grunted and pushed himself off the wall. “Whatever you say, ‘Scream,” he muttered. “Where are Soundwave and Demolisher, anyway?”Starscream made a small noise of amusement. “Probably torturing humans in the nearest town,” he said, walking away.

*facepalm*

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A hand clamped over his mouth, silencing him, while the other arm of Starscream wrapped around him, pinning his arms to his sides. He let out muffled screams and thrashed, but Starscream’s greater height and strength kept him still. He felt Starscream bend a little lower to put his head next to his own. “I have so little self-control,” he said in a low voice next Sam’s audio receptors. “It has always been one of my faults…I fully intended on getting you to trust me before I made my move…but no…” Sam felt Starscream’s hand around his body stroke whatever was in his finger’s reach. “I had to make you so attractive…so alluring…and your personality just adds to the delectability…”

Ladies and gentlemen...Sam is a French pastry.

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Sam remained still and silent, glaring with anger and fear at the despicable creature on top of him. Starscream took that as submission and pressed his fingers into something on the inside of Sam’s left thigh. Sam felt something between his legs rearrange and he suddenly felt exposed. His suspicions were confirmed when he felt Starscream stick a finger inside of the exposed area.

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“Quiet now,” he said. Sam—like he experienced with Frenzy almost three years ago—felt and heard rearranging in Starscream’s own nether
regions and felt panic run through him. “Calm down…” Starscream hovered over Sam predatorily, his eyes glowing a brighter shade of reddish orange. “This is just a break-in,” he said. “I’m not planning on you conceiving the first time, so don’t you worry your pretty little spark.”

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“I decided to take my name and add it to my ancestor’s,” he said. “It makes an…interesting name.” He paused. “SAW.”Starscream looked interested. “Sam…Archibald…Witwicky…Am I correct…?” he asked. Sam nodded. “…It is acceptable. And since it is not too different than your human name, it will not be too drastic a change. I approve.”

SAW? Seriously! Of all the names you could choose! Like Whiny-Emo-Winnona-looking-Leather-Wearing-Fuck-Tard? WEWLWFT. That seems more sensible than SAW.
Then they get rescued and SAW *Snicker* feints.

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SAW groaned. "Fine," he muttered. "Just dont ever say the word 'interesting' when looking at my crotch again."

"While looking at your what!?"

SAW and Ratchet whipped around to see Sideswipe walking in, obviously missing a good chunk of information. "Jeeze, Ratch," he said in a pseudo-dissapproving voice, "with Frenzy right there, too? I thought you had better morals..."

And I thought this could get no worse...

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"I dont think I've seen you around here," Sunstreaker said, his voice lowering slightly. It took SAW a moment to realize that he was getting hit on. But before he could react, Sunstreaker reached down groped him. Dead silence resounded in the base.

"Aw, slag," Sideswipe said, putting a hand to his head. He didnt need to see as SAW brought his fist back and drove it into Sunstreaker's face.

I will admit it. I laughed. But this is the first instance that Sam...I mean SAW has grown some hairy ones. I find it ironic that it happened when his real hairy ones were removed. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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“Um…Sam…SAW…” Barricade said slowly, “…I know you’re not…familiar with Cybertronian custom as a whole, but…” He paused as though collecting
the right words. “…By our standards, you are very—and I mean very—attractive.”

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] If you say so...

And moar wangst as Sam feels the need to tell his parents RIGHT NAO!!! That's not obvious at all...nope.

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“Mind if I call you ‘Dad’?” he said jokingly. Optimus shook his head.

“Not at all,” he said, putting a hand on SAW’s shoulder. “Call me what you want…” He paused. “…Just not ‘Big-O’, like the twins have taken to calling me.” SAW let out a snort of laughter.

No...just no.

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Mojo had been sniffing a little too ‘interestedly’ at his feet as SAW sat on a Transformer-sized couch-like-thing in the main base while the twins and Ironhide were for a visit. SAW nudged the Chihuahua away slightly. “Back off, Mojo, and don’t even think about it!”

The other Autobots looked at each other, and the twins got an evil look on their faces. Quick as a flash, Sunny and Sides had their ‘little bro’ pinned back to the couch, effectively holding him in place.

“Guys! What the hell!?”

“This is your right of passage into the Autobots!” Sunstreaker said while trying to keep SAW from thrashing him off. The other Autobots knew what they were getting at and sat back to watch the show. “If you wanna be an Autobot, you’ve gotta…huh…hey, Sides, what’s a good way of putting this?”

“You’ve gotta be baptized in the ritualistic lubricant of Mojo!” Sideswipe finished.

Ironhide burst out laughing and Bee and ‘Cade had to support the other from falling down. Ratchet and Optimus just looked politely amused, thought they were busting circuits on the inside.“Oh, fuck no! Come on, guys! Bee! Help me out here! Mojo, you get away from me right this—MOJO!!!”

Baptized in the ritual lub... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]